I figured I would use one Thursday to feature some of my old old stuff … back when no one read … and I was a bit younger.
I always thought this was a powerful concept to dating and affect both men and women equally. Hopefully ya’ll can see some truth in it.
One thing I have to emphasize is that every FCF is not a dealbreaker! You have to learn to be tolerant of other’s imperfections … and also realize that some are here to stay.
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Fundamental Character Flaw (FCF). It sounds simple, but this is a very interesting topic/theory (to me at least). I devised it several years ago back in college while thinking about “Laws of Attraction”. Its also a system that is good in determining whether or not a person is really good for you, and if you can stand this person.
First, the definition
Well … no one is perfect (no matter how much you think you are). Everyone is f*cked up in someway shape or form. Sometimes you have legitimate reasons (Dad beat you, you watched your brother die, your girlfriend left you for brother … you get the idea), but in some cases your just an a**hole or a b*tch! These f*cked up characteristics are defined by me as a Fundamental Character Flaw. Its a permanent, ingrained, problem with your character that someone will have a problem with and there is no real chance of it changing.
*Clarification* – Not every problem with a person is a FCF. Certain things are temporary or may improve with time. If your potential wife is a little messy, that may not be an FCF because it may improve over time or she may care about you enough to make efforts towards improving. FCF’s are not getting fixed. Their deep in the core of this person’s belief’s and values. There is a good chance their mama had it, her mama had it, and that sh*t is not going away!
Now … once you have discovered the FCF’s of the person you are dating/talking to/stalking … and truly verified they are true FCF’s … then you have some decisions to make.
Some FCF’s aren’t that bad and can be dealt with. Realistically, your going to have to deal with some FCF’s no matter who you end up with, so just pick the combination you can live with. Here I introduce the concept of the “Dealbreaker”. A common enough term, but here I use “Dealbreaker” to mean a FCF that you just can’t deal with (read: time for this chick to go).
Examples of FCF’s
- Nail Bitter
- Selfish
- Gold-digger tendencies
- Doesn’t like sex
- Doesn’t give head
- Lives with mom with no plans to ever move out
- Puts career above everything
- Puts everything above career
- Worships Devil
- And the list goes on …
Potential Dealbreakers:
- She loves to have money spent on her and exhibits gold-digger tendencies.
- He thinks that b*tch is a term of endearment.
- If you sleep with someone else in a different area code, its not cheating.
- He doesn’t see the need to work if you already got a “good” job.
So really, you have to ask yourself when you find a FCF if its really a Dealbreaker. Sure she has a little lisp … but are you going to find anyone who can do the things she does with her tongue? Sure he is a little obsessed with his sneakers … but how many other guys are willing to rub your feet everyday as he feeds you. Pick your battles.
What do you think counts as a dealbreaker and what is a FCF that can be tolerated?
SBM – I recall this post. I feel like I'm at a SBM reunion.
My answer is still the same:
This is definately a deal breaker – “He doesn’t see the need to work if you already got a “good” job.” He gets Xed real quick.
A deal breaker to me is someone who never wants to do anything or go anywhere. You can't go to the movies, bowling, to the amusement park, or vacation. I can handle that.
Perpetual bad breath/body odor is an instant deal breaker. I can't be holding my breath during all of our passionate moments.
Overzealous ambitiousness can also be a deal breaker. By this I mean the person who's focused on having a family and high powered job within 3 years and tries to rush the relationship process. I'm a type-B personality. That sh*t turns me off!
gota disagre with you mcswagger.
well i gues its what your lookin for. im lookin for and only date women who are looking for a husband. so at my age the last thing i want is a chick who wants to go out all the time. seriously a 33 year old woman who is always going to the lounge or bar or amusement park is just too active. I need that woman who sits home because shes done it all already and they just need that man to share their downtime with. ya gotta play to your market base. Your a fly guy who is exciting and should be with women who need to do things. I appeal to women who need a husband so I need the women who stay home.
nothing says hoe more than when u click on a girls profile on match.com or myspace and she has a zillion pictures of her in the club or her with random men at parties.
FCF for me is a selfish woman. now dont get me wrong, I love a concieted woman. Im talkin about a woman who cares only about herself. a woman who wont let you shine because she feels she has to "check this nigga" when you are feeling too good about yourself, looking too smart or just having different opinion than she has. like a sista who would decide to curse you out in public when we all know you could backhand her through a wall and she wouldnt talk that way to you behind closed doors. like a sista who makes the same amount of money as you but wont split the check or pay for things.
According to your definition of a FCF: "FCF’s are not getting fixed. They're deep in the core of this person’s beliefs and values."
Conceit or over cockyness I'd say is a FCF and a dealbreaker. I LOVE a confident man, but I always say there is a fine line between confidence and cockyness. I loathe braggers. By all means, be proud of your accomplishments, show off your new toys; however, don't do it every single chance you get, especially to merely feed your ever growing ego. That is such a turn off and an intolerable trait.
HNIC
What about the women "looking for a husband" but still dont want to sit at home all the time.
I know married couples who are happy and part of that is they still socialize, go to mostly friends functions, or out with the fam and yes..they are members of a bowling league, they go on mini vacations and stuff
I want a companion to do all that stuff with
so to say that only girls that stay at home want a husband is kinda a generalization. My current has a similar belief. That wife material women dont go out AT ALL or very rarely or some crap like that. As if I want to be sitting in the house ALONE ALL THE TIME, i dont mind my solitude sometimes..but im goin to enjoy life..and just cause i like to do stuff ..dont mean im not worthy of "wifing". And I suppose a man who believes that well..isn't for me (not really directed at you HNIC)
HNIC..if a woman who wants a husband or doesn't "hang out" how do you meet her? Just curious?
sidenote
I just found out another one of my friends is engaged..Im now the only single friend in the circle
dealbreakers for me would be
Hustling, especially hustling backwards I got a cousin who does her thang and dont have nothing to show for it. Sometimes making 1000 a day. (at first it didn't bother me..but I aint down for "holding you down"..im too old and smarter now)
Heavy Weed Smokers – dated this one guy…he was great..breath REEKED after he smoked
Unrealistic expectations of life is a deal breaker for me. I'm all for ambition and goals, but they have to be realistic AND in line with the path that the person is on…. there has to be some semblance between their actions and their goals. An instant turn off for me is meeting a guy and you get to the "so what do you do?" question, and he says "Yea, I'm working on this music thing with my brother… we got a studio in my momma's basement and we're about to BLOW UP" or some mess like that, and they are currently working at Burger King OR not working at all….NEXT! Unless you are Rhymefest, no hip hop is coming out of Nap Town (and he doesn't even claim Nap… he says he's from Chi). Someone may prove me wrong one day, I don't know, but I think I'll stick with someone a lil more realistic.
And this doesn't just apply to the music/entertainment thing (cuz I do have many friends doing their thing ON THE SIDE or DJing), but even my ex was like this…. talking about buying a dump truck and starting a hauling business and ain't had experience the first in the area, has no money and no credit to buy said truck, and no education on basic principles of business and wasn't even trying to learn. And then there was the purse hustle where he couldn't even tell me any sort of plan as to how he was going to make any money off of it…..and it goes on and on.
living with moms..
I can't stand it
the most common excuse for it is "im helping her with bills"
HA!
you mean to tell me your 50-60 year old mom still aint got her stuff together?
Now..I totally understand "im buying a house"..but for me..that has to already be in process…not saving up to buy house..
I just dont know…I'd like to be able to chill with him at home sometimes..and not feel like im in high school
Dealbreaker: a woman with no hobbies.
She has to be able to entertain herself from time to time. When I'm reading a Michael Eric Dyson book or watching the Bucks/Lakers game, that ain't the time to talk, or go out, or whatever. Leave me alone.
I don't know how not giving head is an FCF or nail biting, coz that can cease tomorrow. But ermm, smokers, poor hygiene & irresponsible drinkers who get "fucked up/trashed/gone/yiked up" and blame consequent actions on it.