Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
So true … right?
Now … I spit this quote like I wrote it myself whenever someone hits me with the “that’s the past … it doesn’t matter” or when they expect to be absolved all of their sins of two months ago when you went on that trip a past life.
It is no secret I judge people (to some extent) by their past. I’ve talked about that oh so important Magic Number when trying to weed out the hoes from the good girls. And then I followed it up by forcing ya’ll to think about that Magic Ratio. So what else is left to talk about …
Pause … story time
This girl that I had been dating on and off for months (like 
… but she just couldn’t get out of that PGF (Potential Girl friend) status. She kept getting close … but … just couldn’t do it.
Anyways … we were in our off period … and she was attempting to bring us back into the on … as she had done a few times (and I had done too). This time she decided to list off the reasons why I was a “Great guy” (like I don’t know how Awesome I am already or need to inflate my ego anymore …). You had all the basics … good job … educated … funny. There were a couple sexually explicit things … I’ll leave those out … because I have been warned its bragging. As the list continues … one surprises me …
“Both of your parents are still together”
Come again …
Yeah … my parents are still together … haven’t been divorced … and have been together for some 20+ years … but I do people really consider this when dating? Is being raised in a two parent house equivalent to having a 12 inch bringer of bladder infections being gainfully employed?
Who knew?
I usually take note of a person’s parent’s situation … but there are too many single parents and the divroce rate is way too high for me to knock off points for parental situations.
Wait … I take that back … there was once.
One girl I dated … who again stayed in PGF limbo for a minute … she just had Daddy issues. Her father was currently inaccessible by the free world … and I could tell that it affected her more than she put on about it. It was a shame … cause she was a nice girl … but it came out from time to time.
But yeah … outside of that … nope.
Sure … I guess buried in that off-brand compliment there is some reasoning. We all know the horrible horrible consequences of a girl with daddy issues. All kinds of committment issues, promiscuity, a high chance they will be dropping it low for some change in glass heels be forever clingy. And there are studies arguing how the absence of the black father in the household may be one of the major causes of black on black crime … poor test scores … and all that other stuff.
But … it just seems … wrong.
Should we condemn children of broken homes or single parents as “undatable”? Is seeing that good family role model necessary? What about unhappily married couples?
Interesting topic.
At first glance, I'm inclined to answer "No" to the qustion of whether or not to consider a person's family upbringing, because no one wants to be judged for the things we have no control over. Its not like any of us asked to be born to a single mother, or have our father walk out or shack up with the neighbor, or for our parents to stay together but sleep in separate rooms. But at the same time, how we were raised and the relationship dynamics that we saw growing up do effect how we behave in our own relationships. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home, with 2 parents who both grew up in single parent homes, and thus had no example of how to make a marriage work. While they did the best they could, and worked on it for 21 years, it was nonetheless a less than desirable example to set for me and my siblings. As an adult, I've had to actively work against repeating the same mistakes that my parents made in my own relationships. Unfortunately, most people are either too stupid or too lazy to recognize that they repeating what they've seen or been taught and thusly get caught up in the same cycle as their parents.
So can you say that someone from a single home is less "worthy" of your affection that someone whose parents have been married for 40 years? No. But I'd put money on it that the person whose parents have been together and happy has a better grasp of what it takes to make a relationship work, simply because they've had the opportunity to subconciously observe that relationship dynamic. Someone who has no positive relationships to observe is essentially starting from zero, and has to experiment to figure out what does and doesn't work. The question is, are you willing to spend your time being their guinea pig?
I think the situations a person endures molds them into the person they become. This would definitely include family structure which usually contributes to a person's morals, life goals, and ideals. Is the home you grew up in enough to count you out from dating, no. But the behavioral outcomes of how you grew up are a reasonable judge of character. Like a guy that beats women because his father used to beat his mom.
My parents are also still together… I can't say they are the happiest couple but I know there is some love there… just to see how it was when my dad had an anuerysm last year, and just last month when my mama had a stroke. There were times growing up where my parents argued so much that I prayed they would get a divorce.
And yet, they have modeled what I want my family to be… I know my parents love me, but with my kids, I want to be more vocal and open about it… we're not very affectionate in my family, so it's shocks me when I get hugs or someone kisses me on my cheek.
I think you just have to look at the person. Although when I find someone whose parents are stil together, it shocks me, I don't think of it as any better of a situation bc you never know.
Considering that the divorce rate is upwards of 50%, and then of those 50% who are still together there's an untold rate of dysfunction, I think it's unfair to penalize a person just because of the relationship status of their parents. But wait, I will say one thing about parents still being married…. I think it gives their kids a higher likelihood of sticking it out through the normal trials and tribulations of a relationship/marriage…. they may be less likely to bail at the first sign of trouble.
(But here I go being a lawyer….debating with myself) However, one reason I DID get divorced is because I DIDN'T want to be my parents. They just seem so unhappy together! My decision was really hard, tho (going back to my first point) because divorce was just something my family didn't DO. Everyone threatens it, but nobody does it. I come from a long line of unhappily married couples. So it took me a lot of hard thinking to make that decision to be the black sheep of the family.
Bottom line, I think it's something to think about, but you HAVE to look at the totality of the circumstances… it can't be something you just check off the list and be done with.
I take notice of this as well being the introspective and observant fellow that I am. Both my parents were together until one of them passed this year. Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if that weren't the case for most of my life. I know a lot of people raised in single parent households, and there's a lot of variety. Some people had to mature very quickly. Others went into a downward spiral. I've actually found that people coming out of single/split parent homes are a lot more real to me even though that wasn't my situation.
In terms of women I've encountered specifically, I can only think of a couple that I've dated who's parents were together. One had an extremely skewed view about reality despite how intelligent she was. The other chick…probably reads this blog so I won't say anything.
u know, i don't take notice of that… i'm a product of parents who were first unhappily married and then finally separated when my brother and i were in college. it was hard then but i think that the lessons they taught us were invaluable…
i know based off their marriage, that my husband would never get away with talking to or treating me in some of the ways that my dad treated my mom. i also see and understand the value of working at a thing in order for it to work… but i'm also a slight commitment phobe but u don't find that in women too often…
but yeah, i don't discriminate based on that at all… hell, look how great (not to be read as great…lol) i turned out!
I've been reading this blog for a while, but I've never commented. However, this is a topic I definitely have something to say about. Like Slim, my parents were together until my father passed away, 29 years of marriage to be exact.
I don't rule people out for DATING, based on whether or not their parents were together, however, if we're talking long term, I'd prefer a guy who's parents were still together, or at least grew up in a situation that was stable and experienced a functioning marriage. By no means do I believe that my parent's marriage was perfect, but it wasn't messed up either, it was a real view on the ups and downs, of marriage.
I think when a person comes from a broken home, they are less likely to stick it out and make it work, because divorce is an option for them, since they lived it.
A man can try all day to be a good husband and father, but if he never experienced that first hand, it will be even more of a struggle for him. Let's face it, no one really knows what they are getting themselves into once they get married, but if they've seen their parents together, and working on it, I think they would have a more realistic expectation.
I dunno as a kid of a single parent..who split when I was like 3. Having a man with a GOOD frame of reference preferably with his own parents is A REQUIREMENT. Its something thats always been on my short list.
And out of all the guys i've dated I think only one guy's parents weren't together…they were recently divorced. That is weird tho now that I think about it.
but i will clarify that one had parents with less than ideal realationship ..which goes back to my whole errythang coupled aint prototype.
My story is a bit different from the one's posted but let me bleed for a moment:
My folks were divorced when I was 5. I didn't know what was going on…all I knew was Mommy wasn't living with us anymore and we would be staying with Daddy most of the time. I never saw my parents argue. I've never heard any nasty exchanges or any talking down by either. My sister and I never felt neglected by either and we both loved and respected our parents. They were/are great (RIP Pops). My mother remarried and she's happy. The guy she is with is great.
How do I think this has affected me: I don't trust marriage nor women the way I should. The examples I've seen have always been from older/mature people or people from a different time than myself. A few exceptions are my friends who managed to be high school/college sweethearts and make it work. I don't consider myself from a broken home, just a product of divorce with two very positive and supportive parents. I wish I could change what I feel about marriage and all but the examples SUCK!
I am the only child of a teen pregnancy. My mom has never married but has continued to be friends with my dad all these years. I think that's a good reason why I don't feel I missed anything family wise. My dad is around and I think our relationship is closer than most fathers who are still with their child’s mother. Believe me he tells me more than I need to know, TMI. And my mom also has seven brothers and my grandparents are still together. So there was no lack of male or father figures growing up. I've met females who try to fill a void of an absent father. It's sad.
Now dating wise, I can't discriminate and this never even occurred to me. My view on marriage just needs to be the same as the guy I'm interested in and dating. Through out the interaction and process of dating and forming a relationship you learn mostly what you need to know by their character and disposition.
"Love is not a race, it’s a marathon"
Don't know who said it but this is one reason why it's beneficial to build a lasting relationship, a foundation before entering the sanctity of marriage. Like Will and Jada, divorce is not an option. I and my husband will just have to fight through it. Real love sustains.
Re: “that’s the past … it doesn’t matter”
I guess it depends on the context in which this statement is said. On one hand, I feel ya that you're doomed to repeat your past if you don't learn from it. But on the other hand, I can't stand when someone dwells in the past when it's time to move on.
As far as my parents, they divorced when I was a wee tot. The reason? My father had problems with alcohol. Did I ever doubt for a second that my father loved my mother or that my mother loved him? Nope. And that's what matters. It's not the white picket fence image that remains with me through adulthood, it's the love itself. That love may not be represented as Nuclear family, but it's love nonetheless. Even when he remarried (to some…woman that I care not to expound on), I could TELL. Even as a kid, I could tell. Even to this day (my father passed of lung cancer when I was 12), my mother speaks highly of him and I love sitting around the house listening to her many stories of how he used to woo her and how she'd never be able to take any BS man because of the high standards he raised in regards to treating a woman. Maybe the divorce meant I couldn't spend as much time with him as I could've had they been married, but then again, I was raised my his mother (my mother…then single had to work to provide for me…bless my now deceased Grandmother) so I saw him enough.
I'm the type of chick that digs the "everything happens for a reason" deal and had they not divorced, I wouldn't have lived with my Grandmother during my grammar school years. And I refuse to imagine the "what if" aspect of it because that would mean I wouldn't be…me. I love me. And it's because of them, that I even know what love is.
I think to rule someone out as a dating prospect because of family history is unfair and silly. This is not because I see the world with rose-colored glasses, but because as human beings we all have issues, and even if you meet someone whose parents are still together, how do you know that relationship has not been dysfunctional? Even if it was a good marriage, there are so many other things that can effect us as people and our perceptions and how we deal with others that I think it is foolish to rule out dating someone for or to even consider something that a person has no control over. What people need to consider is how a person treats you and how the person treats the people around them. In general how does this person treat her/his family, her/his friends, and the other people around her/him? These are things that are indicative of how a relationship with that person will be. If the person is nice to you, but a jerk to their family members or supposed loved ones, you may want to stay clear of that person.
My brothers and I were raised by a single mother, and none of us exhibit the bad/crazy characteristics that have been attributed to those who have been raised in single parent homes. So I take personal offense to all that has been said about people who were raised in households like mine. All of my brothers are successful black men and all have girlfriends that they treat like queens. They treat their girlfriends better than a lot of men I know. As for myself, I am with someone who cares for me and I care for him. I’m not promiscuous and there is no drama. There is nothing dysfunctional about our relationship.
I have dated men who came from two parent homes and a few have been straight up dogs and do not know how to treat a woman. So all that stuff people have been talking about really has less to do with whether your parents are married and more to do with what type of person your parents raised, and what types of examples your parents have set for you on how to treat other human beings.
I've considered this thought process as well. But, I decided not to take off point bc a guy comes from a single parent home. My generation of mid 20 something year olds and younger typically come from single parent homes. I will say I do give a guy extra notice if his parents are still together or he's was raised by his "normal/mentally stable" father. I've found that the dudes that have treated me best had a strong male influence in their life.
On the flip side I was dating an uppity negro who told me he almost didn't date me bc my parents were divorced. What spared me was that my parents are friendly and I have a relationship with my father (which he had to witness to believe lol)
While my parents are still together … it def hasn't always been good times. I'll leave it at that since my Dad knows of this blog and sometimes read (I know … chilling right consider the stuff I say here) … but me and Nicki seem to have the same situation.
I do think the Daddy issues thing can be a valid concern … but outside of that not sure its something worth investing too much thought into.
I've dealt with women from both single homes and married families. I've failed to see any real difference because even a woman from a married home can be a slut or what have you. I've had some good girls who were from single Mom homes and it was all because their mother was nice and wonderful (as a matter of fact, I called their mother Mom and they still consider me their son to this day).
I've never discounted a woman based on her family background but simply how she conducted herself when it came to men.
i've said it once, and I'll say it again.
personal responsibility.
The only person that can make your relationships good is you. You are fully in control of giving your 100%. It doesn't matter who your parents are, your grand parents, who the president is, etc etc etc.
If I decide that I want my woman to have the best in the world, it doesn't matter what examples I saw or didn't see. I will create my own examples, and go from there…yeahp!
U can grow up in a 2 parent good home and still have relationship issues
however i'll use my godsister as an example
her stepfather and mom are like the best example of a couple i have..
she is now 25 and getting married to a wonderful guy who is all about familyl. I think his family is a 2 parent good home also
so yeah..I do think that can be a factor in someone having a good sense of what a real good relationship consists of and what a good man/woman does to take care of his mate and or future family
on the other hand…my exes have come from good 2 parent homes…and they were well…super women lovers….attention from one woman just wasn't enough
and I know some single mom men and women who make great mates (myself included)
you can have an opinion on whatever you want…but as I always say..you will limit yourself if you always have some written criteria for dating someone
some men think a good marriage is telling your wife what to do and she listens
Thats what i felt was my experience tho my ex hubby may beg to differ
Because I didnt have an example out of my father (rest in peace, he died when I was 7) and the only male figure I had was my gay uncle, my perception of a "good man" was wrong to be frank
I personally had to learn what is good and bad (and still am learning) in a mate
My godsister didn't expect anything less in a mate well cause her stepdad is the best (and her father is pretty much the worst) so she has a good and bad example. Im happy she found someone good for her.
me on the other hand..I just was happy to get male attention (because I hadn't had any as a child from my dad (rip again) )
They need to clone her stepdad..lol…
" do think the Daddy issues thing can be a valid concern … but outside of that not sure its something worth investing too much thought into."
I agree with this..
And I agree with Why So..
Some girls have daddy issues and use it as an excuse to make bad choices… my cousin saw a therapist.. she had daddy issues, called Codependant personality. This causes her to jump from man to man in relationships.
She never changed it… thought just because the issue had a name, now it was ok. But it's not. Now she's grown. She needs to heal. She won't hear me.
I'm all over the board on this opinion..I think first you have to see some contrast some discord..so how do you know what works WITHOUT SEEING IT WORK and SEEING IT FAIL. You need a frame of reference.
i didn't just come out of the womb figuring out how to win and influence people. Personal repsonsibility I think is what happens AFTER you realize what the variance is and has been in your life.
Hmmm, I have pondered this about myself on a few occassions. My biological father was never a part of my life, and my step-dad didn't hit the scene until I was 15, but I'm not sure if that affected me in a good or bad way, or if it would have been different…you know, I was still a pretty good girl (until college)… I don't feel like I have issue(s) with men (or vise versa)…guess it requires more pondering
SBM be careful, sounds like you are Mr. Good On Paper Guy …lol (http://dcdatingadventures.blogspot.com/2008/12/mr-good-on-paper.html )
Aight … what about if the situation was really bad (domestic abuse, drug abuse, someone behind bars)? Should the person lose points?
This is the one and only time the family history ever even crossed my mind.
Hm my parents divorced when I was 12. I was aware of it.
I don't think it affected my views of relationships though because I had grandparents and uncles and aunts in successful marriages. I think anyone can be in a good relationship and anyone could be in a bad relationship. I don't really think what your parents did or didn't not can adversely affect you unless you just take it that deeply.
"Aight … what about if the situation was really bad (domestic abuse, drug abuse, someone behind bars)? Should the person lose points?"
YES…
if they couldn't speak intelligently about it from a growth perspective. if somebody was like my daddy was a crack head..but thats on him..an alarm goes off. Now if he can speak about it in a way to show me that he is dealing or has dealt this his father's addictions then ..he gets a pass. In a lot of ways WE ARE OUR PARENTS…MANY of your experiences are shaped by how they SHOWED YOU HOW TO SEE THE WORLD. AN adult can take their parents view to enhance or shape their own..while rejecting what didn't work.
when bad things happen like that to a man i need to hear the all the background and then how he was able to reframe it into something that works.
It appears that people are looking for a quick way to “weed out” potential mates, and there really is no quick way. Of course there are those things that immediately will get someone dismissed, but something like family history is not one of them. You have to take the time to get to know the person that you are dating and that is it.
The truth is you never know what a person’s family life is like, so as I have stated before it is just plain silly to use this as a criteria for eliminating potential dates/mates. A person’s family life may not always dictate how the person will treat you. So even if you may be right once in a while, there may be a time when you are wrong, and you could miss your potential soul mate because of something so silly.
@ Remi..i wish i could be so mature about…but unfortunately men who haven't dealt with seeing their mama's @zz being beat or their daddy bouncing early on…don't make the best boyfriends..i kind of know this from experience.
Nothing wrong with weeding people out..i do it erryday LOL..people forget they have a right to be picky about those in which they share their lives and bodies with.
unfortunately relationships arent charity…im not looking for any case studies.
Hmmm… I'm one of those girls that everybody's mama loves, but thats because I know how to work mamas. They daddies love me too, but thats because I know how to work daddies.
All this is to say that, it really doesnt matter where someone comes from. All that if, 'he treats his momma bad , he will treat you bad" blah blah, I dont buy it.
Yes, those instances should be dually noted in this person's file, but the way someone acts or will act is completely derived from personal experience. He could have had the greatest upbringing ever, but if his last girl tore his heart to shreds, than every woman from then on will be ran through that filter.
For instance, Chris Rock said on his recent comedy offering that "Men cannot go backwards in sex, and woman cannot go backwards in lifestyle" For example, if his last chick was the freak of the week, and you are not, his mind may be wandering…or if you broke out some nastiness one night then locked it back up, he will be totally expecting that shit to come back out…soon
With women, if the last man did XYZ beautifully than the bar has been set and she will expect that and then some. So if your woman is complaining about this and that, most likely she had "that" before and you aint giving it…
Notice, no where does it say momma and daddy
Now, I am a product of a single mother, no daddy situation. Grew up in a so-so neighborhood. Managed to get up out of there, get degree'd up, and do my miss independant thang. But when I noticed certain issues rearing their ugly head, I took it upon myself to fix them.
Anybody spewing the whole, I'm a hoe because I didnt have a daddy, or I do women dirty cause my moms did my dad dirty…whatever…need to knock it off and man up
Shit, Obama didnt have no daddy…holla
(getyourishtogether.wordpress.com)
Childhood: the one thing we spend the rest of our adults lives trying to get past. Our childhood shapes our future; whether it be good or bad depends on the personal choices we make as adults.
I read all the time about breaking the cycle, if you've never seen it done right before than what's your model they say. I don't believe in this. My parents are married, they've been separated for ages. However my siblings are in healthy relationships. I'm not, and I accept personal accountability for that. I can not blame it on my mother or father because, as an I adult I know right from wrong. I can smell foolishness from a mile away, but if I chose to commence in such behavior then it's all on me.
The problem with society is that we're always looking for a scapegoat, personal accountability has gone to the sh*tters and everyone is looking for answer to a question that shouldn't otherwise exist. There's not deep meaning life, love and relationships…it's very simple actually, live them. Just live, learn and grow. No one is perfect, but wth a little accountability we can come pretty damn close to it.
@ The Comeback girl – I'm not saying don't be selective, but look at the person for who he is. I'm talking about people using good judgment all around in picking mates and not sticking to "lists" and "criteria". As I stated, there are things that can get someone automatically dismissed, but whether the person grew up in a single parent household should not be one of them. I did not say date someone who has issues, I think that is obvious from my comment. Your sarcasm is really unnecessary.
If you meet someone and he has issues, leave him alone ASAP, but do not immediately dismiss someone because his/ her family history is not the "ideal" nuclear family.
Look at Barack and Michelle. Barack was raised by a single mother and grandparents and although we don't know all of their person business, it is clear that he loves and respects Michelle. Can you imagine if she refused to date him because he had an absent father?
I think people need to learn how to pick mates and stop depending on these "lists" and things like that. I never have done any lists, now there are things that I don't deal with and will get someone immediately dismissed, but that has more to do with character than just eliminating people for some UNPROVEN, UNKNOWN "potential" to treat me poorly. For instance, lying – any type of lying will get a man dismissed by me because if you can lie to me in the beginning then you will do it later and it will only get worse. Or saying anything that I determine is disrespectful, I will not deal with. There are other things, but my point is be selective, but be smart and selective. Don't generalize because you end up being the fool.
@cb girl
My daddy was a crackhead. First he used to sell it, then he succumbed to it. He has been in jail for the last 21 years. I am 25. Do I believe the choices he made "are on him"? Hell yes. That shit has nothing to do with me.
If I walked around all woe is me, where in the hell would that get me. Where does feeling sorry for shit you cannot control gotten anybody?
I think a man who can take a situation like that and put it in perspective, is alright in my book.
Has the absence of a father ment something to me? Absolutely. Do I use it as a crutch? Hell no. He writes to me, I have seen him here in there. He is very honest about the choices he made, and very proud of the ones I've made.
Because he wasnt there, I was raised by a single mother (I am one of five)who did the dang thang with such class and poise, it was very easy to forget he wasnt there. She made me into such a self sufficient person with no excuses. Why is it I am only 25, and have been proposed to 3 times?
Because I am the girl neyo sings about.
At the end of the day, when you are washing your face and brushing your teeth, the person staring back at you in the mirror, IS IT. Ya'll came into this world together, and you guys will be big kicking it in the satin lined box together. If there is anybody to answer to, it is them.
When shit dont go right, when that relationship fails, when that promotion is looked over, when shit DOES go right, when the relationship works, when you get the corner office or whatever your own slice of heaven is. It was all the man/woman in the mirror (and god, but he lives through you, so same shit different words)
Life is so simple, aint it!
(getyourishtogether.wordpress.com)
I'm with Bussinesswoman…life doesn't get any simpler than that.
well I think businesswoman summed it all up….
"Look at Barack and Michelle. Barack was raised by a single mother and grandparents and although we don’t know all of their person business, it is clear that he loves and respects Michelle. Can you imagine if she refused to date him because he had an absent father? "
@ Remi i dont disagree with this at all…but Barack also had a FRAME OF REFERENCE, his grand parents. His mother also remarried. if he doesn't know how relationships work..is he gonna get it out of thin air. How about some people don't even have these conversations until its WAY too late..do you agree that family history should be discussed and at length?
"Why is it I am only 25, and have been proposed to 3 times?
Because I am the girl neyo sings about.
"
well i suck cause at 33..its only happened offically once. Unoffically twice..and that and 2 dollars may get me 3 blocks down the road. It still means very little without the conversations. Like I told Remi..you dont disqualify straight off the bat. BUT YOU DO HAVE THE CONVERSATIONS. On paper I wouldnt marry my own @zz..but my perspective is good. I do have a certain amount of accountability for my own bullshyt in that I can't blame it on daddy…but it needs to be discussed and both parties need to frame the prespective in healthy growth discussions.
business woman:
i like your style. that is in fact, awesome.
comeback:
I see what you're saying. But even if you don't have a frame of reference, you can have a goal in mind. In fact, going into it without a frame of reference might serve an advantage. It forces you to make it work using unconventional methods and a fresh perspective…
On paper I wouldnt marry my own @zz..but my perspective is good.
Me neither CBG.
And you're right whyso…you do have to have a frame of reference.
I havent read the responses to this, but I know I take it in to consideration. I'm not going to say its something I'd dead an otherwise good guy over but I do notice the family dynamic when it comes to guys I'm interested in because I know it will have a bearing on how we relate to each other.
My parents are now divorced but were married for 20 years, raised two kids and toughed it out. They finally divorced when my mom couldnt take his cheating anymore. I know that has an effect on how I view marriage and how I will one day relate to my future husband.
The same goes for men. The guy Im dating now has the same history of infidelity in his family, but his parents are still together. Its interesting to see how the both of us relate to the idea, and how we both relate to our fathers as a reult.
Good topic. This is my first comment, and it'll be a long one. (lol)
Before I offer my perspective, let me break down my parental situation: I am the product of a 19 year old, single mother and an absent father. I was a lock-key kid (are we familiar with this term?) because my mother busted her butt working the night shift, only to ensure that I had the best of everything and never felt like we were struggling.
My father is a manipulator and a straight dog. He plays multiple women at a time and has a list of some that are for the sole purpose of cleaning his house. When my mother told my father that she was pregnant with his child, he asked her to send him a picture just toso he could be sure (like DNA can be confirmed through Polariod). In the midst of that, my mother was the only one (of three mothers) who chose not to put him on child support because she didn't want to even entertain the idea of him having a hold on any part of her life nor did she want to resent him for the payments he wouldn't have made in the first place.
I said all that to say this, a person isn't always the product of their enviornment (from an observing perspective) but rather a product of the teachings of that environment. I grew up declaring I would never date nor even consider dating someone who even remotely reminded me of my father. I molded my behavior behind that of my Mom: A woman of integrity and strength. My Mom taught me everyday the type of woman I should be and of the necessary qualities of a man for which I should never compromise. I know plenty of people who grew up in a "stable" home but didn't learn a damn thing; they were just going through the motions. Just because one's parents have been together for decades doesn't mean the fundamentals of why that relationship worked are being passed down—it has to be taught.
So do I consider family history when dating a man? Not entirely, but I do consider the type of woman his mother is. The African-American family is and always has been matriarchal—whether you want to admit it or not. So, if in his mom, I see a woman of strength and wisdom, I'll feel a lot more comfortable about his upbringing and perhaps a bit more confident about the possibility of him and me.
didnt read all the comments…
but comeback and I both are the same age, grew up in the same era and both grew up middle class with single mother homes.
our outlook on love, dating life and marriage are POLAR opposite. so I dont think family history has much to do with how you will be.
I view having a happy healthy relationship as the single most important factor when judging how well you are doing in life.
I feel more proud to say I droped out of college to put a love one through college… than to brag and say I graduated from ruthers and have an MBA.
I am more proud of having a functional loving relationship for 10 years than I am of bedding all the women I did this past year.
and to tell you the truth if you met my father (or sister for that matter) you would think comeback and I were switched at birth because they all think along the same path.
and my mother and my sister have exactly the OPPOSITE morals of me.
I feel I got my ideals of what I want in life from watching others. my god parents were lower middle class and loved eachother so much it gave you a cavity looking at them. your not a product of yoru enviornment… your a product of life.
@Comeback Girl – I think family history should be discussed in terms of getting to know someone, but not in deciding whether the person will be a good mate. There are a lot of things that need to be discussed before and when you get into a relationship with someone because you need to know that person and know if you two are compatible.
I didn't mention anything about reference point or not having one, so that is not an issue I am going to address. My point and only point has always been that you should not decide whether or not to date someone b/c of his or her family history. You have to get to know the person.
If the person I am with had that attitude we would have never been together and that would be a shame because we have such a beautiful relationship. I witnessed by mother being abused physically and emotionally by my stepfather for years. I saw and experienced things that no person, let a lone child should. As for my father, he came around when he wanted to and was never dependable. For a long time I was hardened by all of that, and made a lot of mistakes with relationships as a result. However, with time and a lot of soul searching, I was able to learn from my previous mistakes and learned how to have a health relationship with a man. I'm now with a wonderful man and we care about each other and treat each other well. Things aren't perfect, but it's a healthy relationship, and we never would have had this if he refused to date me because of my family history.