Now let me begin by saying that I have nothing against the female anatomy. In fact, that space at the northern intersection of the thighs is my favorite part of a women’s body. I am not one of those guys who will front and be like “Man, I aint eating no broad out, F that!” and then turn around and have an extra order of McC*nt with their value meal. Nope, in fact I am the complete opposite. I am fascinated by the act of a p*ssy being eaten, kind of like people that have never traveled to the center of the earth are mystified by volcanic eruptions.
So why have I never feasted? Quite honestly, I’ve never been asked.
Many a parties find it surprising that I am an oral virgin, as I seem to be a novice in so many other areas of the art of passion and love making. Mess around with me and I will change your life and your diaphragm size.
I’m not afraid of the vagina nor do I think its “icky”, as I said before, its my favorite spot. However, after years of not having any experience down there, I’ve been forced created my own mystic ideas for it.
I wanted to try it once with my ex. We had been dating a few months and had grown quite comfortable with one another sexually. I had been thinking about doing it for a while, even before her. I personally feel like its a thing you just shouldn’t walk around advertising, putting you mouth on everyone is not the business (goes for ladies as well). As with any sexual act, it should be with someone special.
I digress …
So … all that day I thought about it, as giddy as a kid on x-mas morning. How warm would it be so close up? Would my upper lip smell funny tomorrow? How the hell was I going to wash my beard? Damn, would my beard cause chaffing?
Tens of thousands of pornographic head scenes ran threw my head: I’ll put her on the counter … I’ll hoist her in the air towards my face while standing … I’ll be in front of her. Oh, maybe I’ll eat it from behind, that’s my favorite view. Can’t go wrong with the classic in bed between the legs. Maybe I’ll get creative and put her in a hand stand and do it inverted while standing above her. I didn’t know and I didn’t care! I was going to eat me some putang!
So, we’re at the spot, doing the do before THE do. I ever so cleverly allow my kisses and bodily position to move due south. I wasn’t going to announce myself or have a dialogue, it was a surprise. And its every woman’s dream to have it done to them, right? Wrong.
“Ok, be coo Mr.FAQs, be coo, its your first time, your bound to be nervous dude. Just remember – left right, nibble suck, up down, blow, tongue in circle, finger, kiss. Kiss, finger, Tongue in circle, blow, down up, suck nibble, right left, gentle tap. Hmmm, I imagined her legs would be more easily ajar from this angle; cats in the movies always seem to just fall in there with nor pressure what so ever.
“Ummm…[Mr. FAQs] what are you doing?”
“Oh nothing baby, I just want to something new tonight.”
“You need to stop.”
“Why? You serious? I’ve never done it before, I’m just curious.”
“Yes, I’m very serious. I don’t do that. Stop [Mr. FAQs]! Move!”
And with that, that Grinch stole her p*ssy back (for the night). In a flash, my new specialty was stripped like Marion Jones’s medals. Who knows, if given the opportunity, maybe I could have realized I hated it and never thought about it ever again. Or maybe I would have loved it and got so good at it that I became a professional p*ssy eater and sold my services in order to spread world satisfaction. We shall never know.
So if in this Holiday Season I’m not eating you right or eating you at all, don’t blame me … blame the Grinch.
Merry Christmas!
- Mr. FAQs
WOW. Such detail.
Have you discussed with "The Grinch" what may have been going on in her mind? Maybe she needs preparation. She just "doesn't do that"?
That sucks man.
Just so you know…There is such a thing as bad pussy eating. Porno stars are paid to portray good sex (pussy eating included). You can get some ideas from there but some women may like a different style.
Just saying…
If she put on the "Wrap it up" music on you right away, its probably a her issue. She just might not be into it or wasnt feeling particularly "fresh" enough to have your face in her crotch. It happens. Maybe ask her if she's into that next time beforehand.
Man … thats some bullsh*t. Only once have I been denied entering a woman's nether regions … and it was kind of justified. Wait … twice … but she had a bf.
Soon enough you'll find someone all to quick to thrust your head down there … and it'll be magical (for you … she'll hate it cause you'll suck).
It just warms my heart to see other brothers out there looking to take pleasure in bringing pleasure.
D@mn she officially chopped and skrewed u on the pu$$y eating. Sum females just ruin it for all the rest of us. The only time I don't let dudes go 'downtown' is when it don't feel like they know what they're doing. Depending on how much I like dude I might give him some pointers or just pull his head up and get to f*cking already.
That has to be the strangest thing I've ever read.
I could understand her if she wasn't feeling up to par… before I "engage," I need to have showered and "diamond paradise" must be picture perfect (shaven, waxed)… Once, my dude tried to do it in the morning when I'd just woke up which I am NOT with…. never after I've marinated all night or been at work all day. Eck. (I expect the same in return).
I don't know what was going on with the Grinch, but don't let that discourage you….
Since I'ma Que and my tongue is out my mouth half the time, why not put it to use?
Aight, so that's not really my philosophy. In reality, I'm aware that I'll get my golden nut one way or another so why not bring pleasure to thou who art pleasure me with her hot pocket. Nobody's slammed their thighs shut on me before I could make it to the pelvic dinner table. If anything, I'd change my mind because I detected she was emitting toxic fumes from her special place. In which case nothing is going anywhere cuz I don't wanna dip my stick in battery acid.
1. how old are you?
2. Why do you need to be asked?
3. Are you taking volunteers for ladies to practice on?
And this is just funny to me because I dont know if you watch Zane or not but the last episode I saw was about this pussy bandit. He would break into the dorm rooms of chicks on this campus and eat them out and leave…
First I gotta say how graphic and for those like Nic who've been around for a minute…I'll say anything.
OK now I will NOT have a dude down there if there hair a bit too much or if I don't feel too clean. Also…if I just finished that whole Aunt Flo thing…ain't no way in nobody's hell that's going to happen…like I just can. not. do. it.
Now. EB-Let me holla at you! Can I get a recap for the first oh say 8 episodes. I just saw that episode too. I was like why we didn't have this at my college. But I am like chicky I would be like sir I NEED to reciprocate because well I enjoy going down my damned self.
And for feeling less than fresh and wanting to get licked or lick may I recommend Huggies Cucumber Aloe?! No after taste…smell like water, taste like sugar fresh
I'm speechless….NEVER?? I will ask Eb's question again….how old are you? Didn't SBM call for an eradication of folk like that? LOL! Wow. Wow.
As for your Grinch, you may have just caught her at a bad time. Or she's self conscious about her bouquet (it takes some women awhile to realize that it doesn't smell bad, it just smells like normal p*ssy and that's the smell men like). You need to ASK her why she declined. If she insists "I just didn't feel like it" then that may be the reason (cuz she's not gonna come right out and recite the line from the Summer's Eve commercials….you know that famous line). Or you may just have a chick who's not into receiving. And then I gotta ask….how old is SHE?? But you ought to find out the source of her Grinchiness…whether its her or you.
But Mr.FAQ, shame on YOU for letting your inexperience go on this long. The longer you put this off, the worse it'll be on you because this is definitely a skill that takes PRACTICE, and everyone else has 10+ years experience on you. And please don't try and imitate the porn stars…..they are performing for the camera. If its done properly you wouldn't get all those great camera shots. All you'd see is the back of dude's head & thighs.
@Jac: good lookin on the Huggies tip! I will pick up a pack next time I'm at the store.
I knew a girl that wouldnt let me do it or should I say she wouldnt let me do it often. She said that she didnt like sitting still and that it kinda tickled. I got around that though.
@Mr. FAQ's
"Quite honestly, I’ve never been asked."
I must concur with Eb one the questions of your age and why you need to be asked.
Do you ask women to suck your d*ck? How do you have that conversation as a man or a woman?
"uhm, excuse me…uh, excuse me…can you uhhh…suck my d*ck?" In which you will get the reply "you bettah tell ya momma to suck ya d*ck!"
Then what…
@Peyso
she didn't like sitting still??? I gotta take it back to Richard Bey – WHERE DO YOU FIND THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!!!!
what did she do when she watched TV? jumping jacks? if it wasn't the past i'd say tell her to sit there, watch TV and don't worry about what your doing.
hahahaha @ cuzzo
It was like while she was warming up, so once you got the car running it was no problem.
Also, you just tell a girl "Just Kiss it". Or you straight up say "Suck it". It works just about everytime. And if a woman said anything about my mama during sex, there is no more sex. point.blank
so wait …the vagin!a isn't "icky"???? its in fact your favorite anatomical part…but you;re wondering if your beard will chaffe and if you'll have upper lip funk?
im not trying to be nosey, but since you wrote a very ummmm personal and intimate (read: clinical) piece on vagin!a enjoyment, how old are you and just roughly, how many sexua!l partners have you had?
@Peyso
"Also, you just tell a girl “Just Kiss it”. Or you straight up say “Suck it”. "
that's what I'm talking about! now, what does a woman have to say? (since Mr.FAQ's NEEDS to be asked *smh*) the same thing? Nobody wants to hear no.
@ Cuzzo
I've just been pushed down there before. But that was a rare case. I think normally ppl shouldnt ask for things in bed, they should just give commands though
I am feeling like we all have a lot of questions and concerns for FAQs and he like not answering us.
I personally wasn't for it…but now…oooh oooh…let me find somebody who wants to do today
Ane-WalMart travel depart in case you are spontaneous like me(I keep 'em in my purse)
"Let me sit on that face boy"
Wow. This is just…wow. I feel like she was either crazy or funk'd up. But I do feel like the trip to Lickland and Suckland is a more intimate act, though. Can't let just anyone travel down to explore the Goodness.
I prob shuldnt have read this at work cuz I'm dyin laughin over here. lol!
But I will agree that u may want to ask her why she doesnt want oral luvin. Mayb she had a bad experience w. it..or mayb she wasnt "prepared" to have ur face down there. Mayb she'll warm up to the idea if u just b open & honest w. her & see whats goin on.
@Peyso
I'm not about to push no dude down there. I'm aggresive but I need some hint he wants to go there before I start easing my pelvis upwards.
@Cuzzo
You can push me down there, its all good haha.
@Peyso
o_0 <<<these are my crazy eyes cuz I just choked.
my number is 917-nyah nyah nyah-03 nyah nyah
Peyso, please stop fulfilling the stereotype. You are only to eat the vajayjay of women that you've had more than 1 in person conversation with. Thank You.
You Friend,
Slim
@ Slim: I guess its "Nothin but the Dog in Me". Of course the in person convos are to come lol.
@Cuzzo: I'll see you tonight
@SJ
stop blocking…
loyal reader,
Cuzzo
LMAO! @ Cuzzo
Peyso-I have a damned bone to pick with you. Where is my Que that I ask for like in the last lifetime?
Cuzzo-GET IT! I tell you it's a trip…oral pleasures…the first time I got them…I read a magazine no wait that was the second time. White men can't do it *sorry*
"White men can’t do it *sorry*"
@ Jac – Girl, you ain't neva lied…
<<<Never had a white dude down there…or anywhere else.
But isn't it crazy how white people used to be pegged as the freaks, havin anal sex and doing oral (i know that ain't freaky, but think back to when you were like 12) and black men (and women) were stamped with the myth that they don't do oral or anything outside "traditional" bedroom sex.
@Jac
I cannot remember my first time receiving…but there have been plenty of times when it was like biting into a peppermint patty – "I get the sensation of being on top of a cold mountain, and all I want to do is yodel! YO-DE-LAY-HEE-HOO!"
@Jac: I got you, I forgot. I'm gonna hook you up with Slim.
@Cuzzo: I know you in NY, you gonna b at the party tonight?(wink)lol
@Peyso
How you gonna hook her up with Slim, like he's not right here looking? lol. I know the Que network is bigger than the bloggy blog world. (not that slim isn't all that…hey slim
Actually I live in Philly right now (just can't let go of my number). I'll be in NYC for NYE – I don't know nuttin about any parties.
Nyela-Hi five!
Cuzzo-I know! I was like man black people don't do anything that sounds good. I am not up with the anal stuff ever…but oral is welll a must. And there are so many black men talking about that's against my religion and I can't do that…shut up! You doin' it stop lying.
BTW-I got chills @ the peppermint patty comment.
Peyso-Ummmm….nope not Slim-I dunno how I feel about his beard…that might leave me chaffed…or tickle lightly…hmmm *let me think*
@Cuzzo lolol. How am I not gonna hook him up when he's right there? Philly is trash compared to NYC. I just wanted to put that out there. I really do pray that you're there for school. I went there for school.
@Jac: I got you, dont worry. soon come
@Jac
what religion is that? not christianity – we are a giving people
"I dunno how I feel about his beard"
Mr.FAQ's was talking about his beard, not Slim (though he very well might have one, I dunno)
Cuzzo-How you gonna let Peyso trash your city?!
Peyso-Alright, alright…that could have been my Christmas gift you know.
@peyso
"Philly is trash compared to NYC. "
*sigh* this I know…not here for school, did that in NY. just wanted to see something diff and now i'm kinda stuck.
I'm NY to the heart still
@Jac: I got you for next Christmas. If i dont hook u up, I'll date you. (That sounds bad but trust me it aint)
@Cuzzo: That sucks, well us new yorkers will welcome you back with open arms
@Jac
"How you gonna let Peyso trash your city?!"
Philly is NOT my city. *shivers*
I will always be a NYer. I'm just displaced for the next few years. I like it here an all but uh, it's not NY.
Cuzzo-When you use the word displaced…well…That almost makes me cry.
Peyso-It doesn't sound bad. But it would require you keeping your tongue in your mouth unless you're around me. As long as you can keep me warm and a few other things
LOL (And I'm not so bad myself)
Wait wait wait wait wait. I gotta bold this one…
@Jac- My beard doesn't create any issues. If anything, it's a temporary sponge to keep your sheets somewhat clean throughout the process. The face and beard can be washed while you go to sleep ever so gently or levitate toward the ceiling. Maybe FAQ got that barbed beard. Not Slim.
Back to your regularly scheduled commenting.
@ peyso and sj
-lol @ my bruhs for being owt on the internet and whatnot…yall know yall bruhs are some freaks
@mr.faqs
- u said this chick was an ex…im thinkin you should try it again WITHOUT bein asked..you may like it…and then you'll start goin for it everytime, get practiced (cuz practice makes perfect), and all of womankind will be happier because of it!
Slim-Now that we got this straightened out. Then ok..ticklishness is a good thing. Especially if I can be in control and do a little rocking back and forth…why am I all for riding faces?
missJEss-I think you are right. Don't ask, just do.
Where is the hell is FAQs?
As a man with a beard … going down is the one time I don't like it. You ever came up … and just had a moist beard … and then you can't just go and wash it right then … so then it dries … and then you got dried juices in your beard for the next day.
And upper lip "odor" is a real issue. I remember several times walking around during the day where I randomly was "reminded" of the previous night or morning. Luckily … I only deal with women with that rosewater flow … so its never a funk.
SBM-I feel like this is akin to having like cum in my hair. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. And I don't have a mind who has this issue. Once I had some lickings while out somewhere. A little mouthwash makes things fabulous!
@ SBM..its tomfloolishness for real compounded by youth, some sex@ual immaturity and lack of sex#ual compatibility.
people don't talk about the "icky" or lack thereof with their bedfellows? Why experiment on a woman in THAT way where clearly you had never done "the icky" with her before. Or better yet EVEN discussed it. Oh the perils of screwing people you are just "dating" LOL..(language dear sir..language)..
Most women know when they are sleeping with men who are less than sexual!ly explorative…dollars for donuts she felt that.
if i wasn't sure and neither were you..i'd tell you to move too..with the quickness.
@Comeback: I swear … so mean. The man said it was his ex. Why are they "dating" … how come he couldn't have been serious about her?
And how is it tomfoolishness? I won't put any ages out there … but Mr. FAQs is the baby out the trio and everyone has to start somewhere.
Applaud this man for stepping up to the challenge that many men shirk away from.
@Slim
do you have a Paul Bunyon lumberjack beard? talking about soaking up stuff and whatnot.
@ SBM..ok so when i come back to your blog…i won't read…just paraphrase what you think I should say:
"I wanted to try it once with my ex. We had been dating a few months …"
thats word for word…he had been "dating" his once girfriend/now ex ..for a few months.
"but Mr. FAQs is the baby out the trio and everyone has to start somewhere."
WOW…21 or 22???
where is the applause sign..should i clap fast or slow?
Mr. Faq's..i prescribe to you mrs. robinson…***look it up***
@SBM and CBG
I swear you two…like naggy brother and naggier sister.
I cannot applaud a "man" waiting to be asked to go down – not at age 20+
@Cuzzo: You've seen mine … very modest (except for that sooni phase … but that was years ago) … and I get the same issue!
This was too funny; I feel bad 'cause you sounded like a kid in the candy store, money in hand, ready to fill up on sugary goodness and then BOOM- sorry, kid, we're closed!
LOL!!! Are you sure WE never dated? That sounds like something I've done…
I apologize to all the women I've hurt in the process of my own selfishness hahahaha…
@SBM
get rid of the beard then since you wanna be the self-proclaimed p*ssy monster.
"From the desk of Mr. FAQs:
Man, I am getting it today, no homo. I'm on vacation and haven't touched a computer since last monday. The only reason I'm halfway afloat today is cause I forgot to turn off comment notifications. I got time tho cause I just put my nephew down for his nap.
No, I'm not 21 or 22 but the experience was when I was closer to those ages. And yea, while I used the term "dating" it was more than a casual relationship, dare say at some point I might have even loved her before the took a shit on my heart.
I think some might be taking it a little to literally. I mean, its the same difference as a chick that says "I don't suck dick." And while I don't eat pussy, its not to say I won't. But I've meet plenty of women who straight up refuse to step up to the mic for a solo under any circumstances.
I guess for me, I got beat enough as a child so phrases like "stop" "no" "don't make me say it again" still resonate."
@Cuzzo and Jac – I'm back. The man forced me to go to some bull$h*t meetings and then expected to me to give status reports. I like the beard, if used right it can help out.
You aint gotta ask me either
Men who don't eat are like those old Mark 8 IBM computers…they don't make them anymore.
BUT I can't totally blame FAQ because a lot of women are uncomfortable with receiving oral because of various silly reasons. Don't ask me why.
SBM – I'll let a man with a beard go down, but I'd never kiss his ass cause he might have all kind of miscellaneous residue left in there…I don't want to be tasting another woman's pootie tang.
So Mr. FAQs is either 23 or 24. Don't deny this Mr..because well we know more than you think.
Good look on putting the nephew down for his nap….a casual relationship hmm…and was it monogamous? I need to know this…because here's another thing…if it ain't monogamous then I am not NOT putting my mouth on nobody's nothing unless….
And…when you do finally do it can I just ask that you not BITE the cl*t. That's just painful…think of how you would feel.
LOL
"Good look on putting the nephew down for his nap….a casual relationship hmm…and was it monogamous? I need to know this…because here’s another thing…if it ain’t monogamous then I am not NOT putting my mouth on nobody’s nothing unless…."
@ JAC thank you for reading between the lines. Thats how I read. Im sorry I take my deductive calculator and I start adding and substracting..there is TOO MUCH HERE NOT TOO.
So thats my question too. "more than casual" BUT was it monogamous??? Many women will let some hit and some spit (im sorry i had to get ghetto for a second).
im all for growing and learning and i appreciate your willingness to try. (i guess)..but some women compartmentalize easier than others. Some have sex!ual boundaries inside of anything less than a committment. Others do not. Again..going down is not the time to "really get to know a woman sex#ually"..i think you;ll find that happens with all your clothes on and outside of a bed.
could be wrong tho.
Peyso-You're look more and more dateable. Lol…I dunno this is just really something else.
Do any of the girls here like when a guy tells them to give them head? Or pushes their heads down?
"I don't do oral"..isnt a surprise conversation grown people have on your way to South Carolina.
hahah @ everyone
the various responses are classic…
Yall gonna give FAQs a complex and not know what to do…
I think this it is a matter of age too, because i think most of us men who are older are gonna take control to make things happen in the bedroom, but if kitty kat has a nose bleed we will postpone activities…
YW CBG.
G-He's not going to have a complex…we're just trying to help him out a little bit…geez.
That is part of the reason I like older men. They will take control of me both outside of bed and inside and well I kinda do like to be possessed.
Man that's krazy as hell. No explanation or nothing? Did you ever even follow up and ask why she didn't want that?
Clean enough to stick is clean enough to lick.
i must say this though. Too many (men/woman) are being fake. If you don't absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE pleasuring your partner in that oral manner…don't bother. I for one don't want u to waste my time.
Dudes tryin to lick it without tastin it make me wanna pull my glock.
lol @ the post and all its responses..
but does age really matter?..
like i know some 13yr old (sadly so) that got my viewings of their downtown theater then Broadway. so hey i dunno..
but i know im an older man and Ive never tasted, licked, tickled, played, ate, eaten, and any other narrative word you can conjure up of any woman's pussy with my mouth or tongue.. now Ive got my fair share of numbers receiving said pleasure (call me selfish). but never convinced myself to do the actual do… nor have i been asked?
fear? maybe.. insecurity? maybe more so…
but i always thought maybe i was "GREAT" in all other personal physical endeavors…but i know that's my EGO… (or is it?)
ALARM ALARM ALARM..
correction i meant to put "got more viewings of their downtown theater" not " got my viewings of their"
please no pervs on this end
Thank you for clarifying. I just almost died.
This was the BEST!!! This takes me back to a Junior Mafia song circa 1996 where the last line was, "Don't ask Kim for a date, she want her pu$$y ate"
Mr. FAQ's I don't know a woman who refuses having guests at The "P" Funk Buffet. Also, I didn't know men liked to be asked, with me it was always a prerequisite and I don't refuse…ever. *sure wish I knew that college bandit who broke into the dorms, feasted and left*
We can tell if you're an ameture and I'm willing to coach as long as you follow clear instructions. I hate the guys who swear they're pro's, get down there like they're starving! "HEY…WE DON'T LIKE TEETH EITHER BUDDY!"
It'll happen for you, trust me. And please believe, you don't have to ask just be gentle when you go down there, french kiss it
lol @ the post & some of the responses. I'd love to get a status update.