***** Admin Note ***** While I have featured female bloggers on the site before … but I have a special surprise … a personal female friend of mine wrote a post just for SBM.net … a first. I know … I done let a female into the house … but she’s good people. Enjoy.
Oh … and don’t forget there is a new poll up!
-SBM
*******************
It’s Wednesday night, and you’re sitting by the phone silently praying that it will ring. You’ve just called him 23 minutes ago and left him a voice mail asking him to call you. Since you’ve been dating/talking/”hanging out” for two months you’ve already memorized his schedule. If he leaves work at 6:08 his commute home should take about 40 minutes. Add in time for him to change his clothes, heat up last night’s leftovers and check his email, you tack on another 30 minutes to the 40 and figure out that at this moment his sweatpants are on and he’s watching the poker tournament. So that begs the question: Why hasn’t he called? The tournament has commercials. He can text you if he’s too enthralled to talk. He can do something. You’re not together, but you feel like you guys practically are. Your friends have assured you that he’s moving closer to being on that level with you. Yet here you are, asking yourself for the third night this week why his phone game has fallen off.
It’s scenarios like this that come up in “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I wanted to read the book before seeing the movie (everyone knows the book is always better) and I was actually a little embarrassed at the number of situations in the book I can relate to. The whole book is a compilation of letters to the male author, Greg Behrendt, from women asking him if the men they are dating are worth the time. And Bernhardt bluntly answers “NO” to each letter, plainly telling the readers that if a man is that into you he’ll: call, want to commit, sleep with you, do things for you simply because he knows that doing it will make you happy, be less busy if you need him to be, cut off anyone on the side he’s dating, ask you out, take you out on a real date, and a lot of other things that are pretty obvious — in hindsight. If he says he won’t commit because he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship, he’s not “ready” or there’s just too much going on in his life, he is not trying to be your man. He may be into you, but he’s not that into you.
And at first I thought, how can things be this black and white. There has to be a gray area. And then I thought about it: things really are this black and white. The guys who really liked me called me frequently. And the ones who really had no intention of bunning me up (this is a D.C. phrase for “making me his girlfriend”) couldn’t be reached on a regular basis and definitely cited “going through it” as the reason that the relationship couldn’t move forward. My first real boyfriend was the love of my life in the beginning. He called just to say frequently, took me out and was affectionate in private and in public. And then he hit a Chapter 9: “He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Disappeared on You.” About a week or two after we graduated high school he became unreachable. He rarely called or returned phone calls. The few conversations we had became shorter and shorter until he just disappeared completely. And I did what so many girls do. I tried to desperately rationalize the situation and went over every possible “good” reason to justify his absence: a family member died or was hospitalized (this wasn’t the case), his phone was broken (that wasn’t it either) and he was just extraordinarily busy, despite him only being 18 at the time and not the father or husband of anyone. I reminded myself that he said he loved me. My best friend assured me that he probably still cares and was just “going through it”. It took months later for me to realize he stopped being into me. There was no supreme reason that would explain his actions. I just didn’t do it for him. It was an ego blow, but if I’d realized it sooner I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and tears.
So … is it all true? Are there clear cut signs that we as females ignore that let us know “he’s not that into us”? Men … do you guys purposefully confuse and mislead in order to fool us into believing there is something when there isn’t? Is it us … is it you all … or is it all just bullsh**?
Well … ?
Shot out to my Chocolate City Sista. “Bunning up.” LOL. That made me feel like I was home.
I would say that it is all true. As women we tend to ignore (we notice them) the signs that a man is no longer or never was that interested in us. However despite the blogs such as this one and books such as Mr. Behrendt’s which give us ample information to prevent heartache, we will still make these mistakes.
Only with time and wisdom can a woman discover what she is willing to tolerate and what she wont. And let’s face it, when we ignore the signs we are resigning ourselves to tolerate sub-standard treatment from a significant other/partner.
So while I am not saying that it is a waste of time to try and warn people. I do believe that we as human beings are doomed to repeat the same mistakes our ancestors did where it pertains to relationships.
I do believe we try to see situations for more than what it is, ie I like you as a friend technically means he is fallin in love with me, NOT REALLY!
But women weren't trained to deal with rejection and most of the time we don't have to, so when it actually comes we are trying to mask it as something else other than just dealing with it.
we all want to think we are perfect for EVERY man out but reality is that we can't float everybodies boat. He likes chopped n screwed music, I like r & b, he likes to read about politics I like to read about gossip ect….. its all about tryin to force that square peg into a round whole….
Great post and yes, everything is black and white… we tend to rationalize in the gray area because it saves our little pride. Once you admit he's just not feeling you, you'll have a sense of freedom though.
Too busy is an excuse.
Yep all women have had that dude that wants them so bad that fool always has time (alibet he might not have a job but i whatever) us brothers are not super complex and its pretty blatant when we really like you and when we dont but like anitra said most women are not used to rejection so they will make 200000 excuses as to why the dude is doing what he is doing besides the obvious one he just doesnt like you as much as you like him period
I love the book and I love this post. I read this book about 5yrs ago and it's response book "Be Honest: You're Not That Into Him, Either," and it completely changed the way I date. Sadly, since then I haven't really had a boyfriend…but in hindsight I haven't been through heartache or rejection like the book's ladies. The second book details how we women often waste our time with men just because we're lonely or are waiting for the real Mr. Right, it calls these guys "In-betweeners," and so I vouched not to date someone if I knew instantly it wasn't right. It saves you so much time and energy and the book was so right. How many of us have spent months or years with a guy that when you think back at it, you weren't THAT into either. He was just someone to get you through a lonely phase, or seemed great except the major red flag that was always on the back of your mind.
Anyway, I highly recommend you all read that follow up book.
Great post!
I think some guys do purposely mislead women at times. Not all the time, though. The Chapter 9 thing is the truth. And it's often that he's found someone who piques his interest more than you …
But I also think the book doesn't compensate for the good guy who wants for you to give him some sort of sign (no, not the spread eagle of your legs). Some guys in some situations lack the total confidence to close the deal. They need you to assure them that the road they're traveling is OK. If a guy doesn't approach you, that doesn't automatically mean he's just not that into you like the book says. The movie even admits this …
On the book, it's impossible to read the entire thing. It's like standing in a club with the most annoying techno song blaring through the sound system: "He's Just Not That Into You!" … over and over and over again. But maybe women need it like that. Most of it's true.
I've also read the book, and reading helped me recognize that I was missing a few of the "he's just not that into you" signs. I'm a firm believer that people make time for the things/people that are important to them, but it was a bit of a blow to my ego to admit to myself that perhaps I'm not important to some folks. *sigh* I guess you can't please them all.
But since reading the book, its been easier for me to move on when a guy stops calling, or never seems to be able to get some free time to go out, or tells me that he's too busy for a relationship.
Well let's see, I read this book also 5 years ago when it came out, and bought It's Called A Break-up Because It's Broken…both very good books. I obviously need a refresher.
I just bought Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man…and I have had The Rules:The Time Tested Secrets to Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right for about 10 years now, and bought Part II about 3 years ago, lol..and one thing that is for certain is that they're all telling us what we already know and don't really want to accept.
Men are simple creatures, and I've had some good ones and some pure assholes…but in the end they're all the same at the core.
If he likes you, you will know it…if he doesn't you can't change it, you can't rationalize it, you can't do anything about it but accept it for what it is.
Men don't mislead us, EVER! We mislead us, our friends mislead us, our parents mislead us, but men don't…they never do. A man will tell you how he feels about you from jump. And if there is eventually no title(of any kind other than friend) attached then there is nothing there.
Of all of the books I've read, Steve Harvey's is by far the best of the pack…it's simple, it's honest, and it's to the point…but it's nothing new. It's just a matter of accepting the reality of the situations we as women ALLOW ourselves to be in.
I read the book and it told me what I needed to hear. Wasn't going through it at the time, but lessons that needed to be learned to save me energy down the road.
I think there are some men that lead women on to get what they want, ie the muffin, and some that were into it at first but maybe got bored or found someone more interesting. You never know the real reasons and most men are definitely not going to be truly honest about it, they have their reasons. Maybe if women could handle rejection better men would be more open to saying what the issue is and why the situation is not going to continue. Maybe.
Men suck at communicating, women suck at listening and then the ones who dont, usually suck at processing what they heard like a well adjusted adult. If a dude likes you, you'll know it. You wont think it, you wont guess it, you wont wonder about it, you will just know it.
"If a dude likes you, you’ll know it. You wont think it, you wont guess it, you wont wonder about it, you will just know it."
Very well said Peyso!
NO Gray areas in a man really wanting to be with you the right way….he either does or doesn't……..his words and actions spell it out. Some ladies just have to stop trying to color it a different shade and see it for what it is, truly……even if LOVE is there, love is not enough by itself to sustain a relationship, the right actions behind love, is what does……. btw bunned up spun from hugged up etc etc
I just quoted a scene from the movie on Comeback Girl's blog so I'll just cut and paste my comment (no need in retyping…smile): There’s a scene at the beginning of the movie He’s Not That In To You that sums it all up. From the beginning little girls are taught, if the little boy hits you, he likes you. I agree with the commentator-that’s Bull. The commentator goes on to show how that same misconception follows girls into womanhood. The women thinks the man being an ahole really loves them. No, he’s just an ahole, so if he doesn't call you, returns an email, etc…take it at face value. We have to stop trying to make nothing into something.
I didn't want to see the movie and I didn't read the book. Largely for the reasons you stated. Men are black and white. If he is grey that means he is in the process of going from one shade to the other.
I do think that women lie to themselves frequently about what a man's actions mean citing things he may hsve said or done in the past. I always tell women. When a man answers a question, he answers in the now. I love you (now). You look good (now). Let's hang out (now). Women answer globally: I love you (forever). You look good (as hell). Let's hang out (till the end of all time). For these reasons you can't use his I love you from a month ago to mean he still loves you.
SBM – so this guest female blogger doesn't have a blog or a name.
*hates secretive ass men.
-BAM
Amber dear LMAO if the person is honest when they say they love you, love is forever or else it wasn't love to begin with, now like I stated it takes more than love to make something work tho….LOL…..
If someone said they loved me three months ago, but today say they don't, guess what boys and girls they never did…..LMAO @ love for a day, love by the hour LOL..sorry but that some funny shat LOL
Great post!
I agree, all those things mean that he just isn’t THAT into you. Too busy, going through, hectic work schedule, etc. all of those things are just excuses. Excuses men (and often women) use to explain why they didn’t call or come thru when the real reason is that they simply didn’t want to. We make time for the things we think are important and no one is SO busy that they don’t have at least the 30 seconds it takes to send a text message to say “I’m thinking of you”.
I haven't read the book or seen the movie but I agree with the fact that there are clear cut signs that a man will give a woman if he's not really that into her.
The first sign you should listen to is take him at his word. If he tells you that he is not looking for anything serious, then that is exactly what it is. Don't get your feelings involved hoping he'll come around. Chances are he won't.
The second sign you already touched upon. If he doesn't make time for you then that is a good sign that you are not a priority in his life. People make time for what they want to make time for, so being busy is not an excuse.
I also agree with Peyso. If a man likes you then you won't have to guess or think about it. You'll know.
@Kwana. I agree. True love is all enduring. I was speaking to the "I love you" portion that the writer had in her post.
And men say things in the NOW often without an understanding that a woman means things globally or overall. He may believe he loves you. However a man is more prone to look back and say, "I thought I loved her." A woman would be more inclined to say I love him, it just didn't work out.
Hope this clarifies my perspective.
Thx for the sarcasm, btw.
B.
"If he tells you that he is not looking for anything serious, then that is exactly what it is."
Exactly. Don't feel that you'll be the exception and convert him.
Peyso, Preach on. It’s really that simple. You know it, even if the guy doesn’t say anything to you. His actions will often show it.
@ Trc word homie word
TBC that was VERBOSE as hell and nothing really but saying game players fall into the gray area LOL, because if the intent is the same it really doesn't matter how slick or smooth a mofo think he is does it??????…….a str8 up DOG and a Casonova Brown (game player) = the wrong mofo
u know, this has never been an issue of mine… prolly cuz i'm "just not that into him"… on top of the fact that i think i'm pretty good at picking up these signs… hell, half the time i'm the one guilty of not calling or making time in my schedule…
@ladebelle,
Based on your comment, I assume you rarely place your ego on the line in dating situations. You don't automatically think something is wrong with the universe (or even wrong with you) if you are in a situation where it seems like you are feeling a guy more than he does you. Working to remove ego from the decision making process makes the obvious signs even more obvious–which is why you can Pick up on signs" clearly. You are looking at the situation with eyes that aren't blinded by ego.
Great post! I completely agree. If he wants it, he’ll come and get it. If not, NEXT!!!
Very interesting post. I’m not sure my take of the book was the same as the poster here, but the observation she makes is certainly a strong one–even a needed one in many ways. A lot of helpful and useful information can be yanked from the book, and this is why I am struggling to be nuanced in my response–outside my usual brash manner. Just don’t believe the hype: there is ALWAYS a gray area–always.
Quick example–from the other side of the fence: When a woman is exceedingly vain, when she is obviously conceited, when an observant seducer can tell she attaches her ego to most everything associated with her, I defy ANY male to tell me or the public that the “best” way to arrest her interest is by “showering her with attention.” That’s a lie, that’s B.S.–and as much as it may hurt female’s feelings, or even the males–it just isn’t a method that’s successful often enough. (most the females cocking their necks to the side, claiming that they immune to this are fronting.)
This is why there is always a gray area. As long as so many women still nurture the mindset that leads them to think they are in some type Mensa relationship where they can just “figure the puzzle out,” then clever seducers will forever reinvent themselves to become the emotional “challenge” for them to attempt to “solve.” To put it bluntly, women (and men, to be fair) too often tie their ego to emotional situations–as a result, it becomes more about “how could he/she NOT be interested in someone as good as me” instead of recognizing the obvious.
This is why you hear so many women say things like “I thought he would change.” That’s word games. The reality is this: her ego made her think she was so grandiose that she could eventually change him herself. (He may have cheated with every other girl in the neighborhood, but you so special, your “sunshine” is so bright, he won’t DARE stray on you. That’s merely conceit talking, and this is what blinds too many from reality.)
It becomes a gray area because you can TELL this type female that the guy is a worthless bum who hasn’t matured to the point of faithfulness, and she will STILL walk into that trap we set because she has a god-complex and thinks she can actually “save” grown ass men. (You also have men trying to turn “you-know-what” into housewives, so it goes both ways.) Crafty manipulators use this to their advantage.
Simply put, that’s the mistake too many honest and deserving guys make. They give beautiful, attention hungry women something they ALWAYS get–attention. But one of the things that makes seducers so successful is that we never give the female what she is used to getting, we always remain outside what’s familiar to her, making us interesting in a mysterious, decidedly unboring way. We become mysterious only because purposely become unpredictable. And the female’s god-complex, that ego, that Mensa mentality sees that as a challenge. (“Every other fool in this club is stumbling over themselves to talk to me, yet this dude acts like I don’t even exist, like he’s irritated that I’m in his way at the bar–something must me wrong, let me “solve” this puzzle”) Simple human nature–people appreciate things more that they have to work to get; and we make them work hard.
The rule of thumb is: The more conceited she is, the less attention we give them, the less conceited she is, the more attention we shower on her. (But like I said, there is always a gray area, always, so it depends on the individual situation and person.)
I guess my problem is this: simply “knowing” that a guy isn’t that into you rarely helps when you still allow ego to get in the way of romantic decisions. Because truth is, you can “know” that in advance, and STILL travel down the same road if your ego has you thinking you so special that you can change people. Take a look at past relationships, be honest with yourself, and count all the clues you had in advance that the person was the type person that caused you to break up with him. My point? Half the time, you already knew he wasn’t shit. You just allowed ego to convince you that it would somehow be different with you–male or female.
One part of the solution is a bit more personal, and it requires letting go of ego: Just because you like or love someone doesn’t mean they like or love you too, in the same way. You can’t make them. Once this is truly internalized, you won’t have to keep up with what time he gets off work, mapping out the “when to call him again” strategy. When ego isn’t attached, it’s much easier to move on when guys pull the bait-n-switch and reveal their true colors out the gate. Hope this answers the question.
@Jasmine
“Men are simple creatures, and I’ve had some good ones and some pure assholes…but in the end they’re all the same at the core.”
You joking right? Gotta be.
LOL or how bout some women just aren’t feeling some guys like that, in some cases alot guys like that or even consider 89% of what steps to them LOL Has nothing to do with EGO smh…..
more along the lines of laws of attraction etc
LOL @ TBC…ummm yes I'm serious. At the core, ALL men are the SAME!
And I'm that conceited chic, that beautiful attention hungry woman and I'm here to tell you that if you DON'T give me the attention that I desire, then I will move on to the next man that will…and for the very reasons you listed above. I mean how can you NOT want to be around me every second of the day. How can you NOT be enamored by my wit, intellect and beauty. How dare you ignore me, when the line is long with negroes who are willing to give me everything I need and more.
So you're wrong…you're theory is a BUST!
Beautiful women don't stick around with a guy who doesn't acknowledge what we have to offer…we may give it a chance for a couple of months(90 days at best), but that sh!t never flies for an extended period of time.
EVER!
With imitators maybe…but not with the real thing.
@Jasmine: pay you attention is one thing but that will change over time so the thing is will you as a woman assume he is just "slippin" or is it that when yall met (younger) but thru time got older and things slow down or become less frequent in some areas. A man can profess his love in matter of ways but as we all grow older and become accustomed to one another things will even out and become very routine. And I dont care how smart you are or pretty or witty, you are human and I will get bored with yo' ass from time to time-no one is THAT interesting and if you really think so then you better be able to do MIT grad level math, speak at least 7 languages one of em being Mandarin, have an opinion on all worldy matter-from the ecology in Soweto to microfinance in Mumbai-but if all you got is a degree-good job-good cr…..yaaaaaaawwwwwnnnnnn….zzzzzzzzzzzzz
@TBC: Honestly, what u said validates the writers point. The “playa” who is straddling the gray area … really ain’t that into her … he’s just playing the game. And please believe u can be in the black without “showering” these chics with attention … where dey do dat at? This is a simp-free zone.
@SBM
The argument wasn't against the post, as the book and the poster has very valuable information, as I said. The problem is this: just knowing that a male or female "isn't that into you" doesn't tackle the root problem. Many situations like these the female (and male) has homegirls and homeboys and family members–and even themselves–saying over and over that the guy or girl isn't into them. I haven't seen evidence that "knowing" that someone isn't into you actually STOPS people from traveling down the same dead end romantic road.
If the goal is the work on fixing the problem, then I submit that you have to dig deeper, because too many times it's human ego that's the root problem. They "know" a guy or girl isn't right for them or into them, but ego makes them think they can CHANGE that reality. Unless you deal with the root problem, then you can have pity parties all day, but you still fall into the same trap–even though you now "know" the truth.
To be frank, men and women could have signs on their heads that said, as blatantly as possible, that they are "loosers" but if the root ego problems are not dealt with, then too many people will STILL stay with them, hoping to eventually "change" them.
@Jasmine
You said: "Beautiful women don’t stick around with a guy who doesn’t acknowledge what we have to offer"
Problem is, you are arguing against reality. You could be an anomoly–I doubt it, but it's possible. But try this: Find me ten "beautiful" women in America who is either 26 and older or has been in over 4 different serious relationships that hasn't been hurt and heartbroken by a man who didn't appreciate her full value and "acknowledge" what she has to offer. Unless you visit an Amish community, you'd be hard pressed to find ten "beautiful" women who can make that testimony.
Reality is clean cut in this situation. Unless you can show me ten "beautiful" women in America who have never been heartbroken–with the qualifiers I mentioned earlier–then I stand by everything written. If I'm wrong, you should have no problem finding ten "beautiful" women older than 26 (or been in four different serious relationships)who has never been heartbroken.
Don't worry. I'll wait.
@Princess B.
I agree. Let's say we were able to send an email to every female in America absolute proof that the guy she is hoping to seriously date "isn't that interested" in her. What happens now? Nothing. Too many will take this "knowledge" and reinvent other justifications to continue pursuing him. This is because the answer presented here doesn't deal with the root problem. Most criminal actually "know" that they will go likely go to prison if they get caught, but that don't change the behavior because the problem is much deeper than surface "knowledge."
This is why the gray area exist. Because just saying out loud "he's not really into you" does nothing to combat the real issues. Twenty years from now, using that method, the next generation will still be having this very same conversation, repeating the very same mistakes.
At some point we have to have to courage and patience to dig deeper than surface "solutions" that don't change anything and really tackle the core issues. Otherwise, it's just pass-time conversations that will continue to mislead people because it doesn't actually fix anything; it just sounds good.
So I agree. He's not really into her. Now what?
If a man is really into a woman, he will let you, any potential suitors, and the whole world know. Anything less than that and I’ll have to go with “he’s just not that into you.” That’s what I’ve learned in my few decades on this earth, and it kept me out of severe trouble (with obviously a few hiccups along the way). I am usually a diplomatic person, but when it comes to this I don’t believe in grey area.
@TBC…one has nothing to do with the other. Being hurt may not nothing to do with a guy "paying me attention." No one is immune from being hurt, NO ONE! But my argument was against your theory that those who seek attention will stick around with someone who doesn't want to give it b/c we think that we sh!t gold and he'll eventually realize it.
There are plenty of men who will give me all the attention I desire, but still may hurt me on other fronts…and that's not because I think I'm worthy of a man changing, but because we're all human. Now to readdress what I said earlier, we will NOT stick around if we're not even getting the attention.
Period.
But you can best believe that there are at least 10 beautiful/sub standard looking/down right oogly women who haven't been hurt in each category. Not allowing yourself to be hurt has NOTHING to do with looks and "attention given."
@Temps:ummmm, you see this is what happens when you can't read. Besides, who's the say that I won't get bored with his @ss, which often happens. My point was that we don't deal with men who have thin attention spans, that was my only point. The world doesn't stop when I enter the room, but at least in the very BEGINNING, his most definitely should.
You don't have to like it or agree…it's not like you're life will be altered either way.
Moot point…I'm done.
…moving right along shall we.
"So I agree. He’s not really into her. Now what?"
Keep it moving. Someone will be.
a Sucker FREE zone 4 sho young!!!!
"Get yo vocab up folks,
and beware of,
extra overly wordy folks
that veer most verbose….
cause most of the time,
they just blowing smoke"
I think women know when he's not there, when the relationship has gone awry but for whatever reason we choose to ignore the signs pretend as though they aren't there and its not until he does something really blatant or someone else decides to tell us the truth that we acknowledge what we already knew was happening….its not that hard…we just make it that way.
amazing stuff thanx
@TBC – It's kind of like that filter issue you brought up a while back. You're right, saying that doesn't solve anything, but it may help 'some' people (just like your posts may help 'some' ladies out there).
I am not saying women don't play, exist, and fake themselves in the "grey" area, I am just saying that if these women took a good hard look at the circumstances, they would realize that there's no grey at all. I think "grey" is an imagined and fake state of mind that a lot of women are stuck in.
Now what? Unfortunately I don't think there's much "we" can do about women who play in the grey area. You either have a developed filter and know that men are very simple creatures, or you don't. I have friends who are way too old to not see reality and it doesn't matter what I do, write, or say, and I've since stopped trying to dispense advice they don't want to listen to. What I will do is try to teach these lessons to younger girls who I have influence over (little cousins, nieces, and my own children when I am blessed to have them).
@ Jasmine, I agree.
@Jasmine
Your response is the reason why I often argue that people are hustling the masses with hypothetical solutions to real problems. Your solution, "keep it moving" usually works in romance books, or Hollywood movies, or cheesy self-help seminars. But in reality, in the real world, that's not what actually happens. People in these situations rarely "keep it moving."
In the real world, a man or woman can know–with absolute certainty–that someone is bad for them romantically, that someone "isn't that into them," and yet they will still stay. That's why just "knowing" that someone isn't that into you isn't a solution, it's merely a clue. Unless you dig deeper and discover the root issues that causes you to remain with that person, even after learning their true colors, then you'll remain in a vicious emotional cycle that rarely ends.
You are arguing how the world "should" be. (In a perfect Utopia, the moment a man or woman discovers that someone isn't really into them, they should move on. I agree.) I am merely explaining how the world really is. (Many people who experience this problem already "know" that the other person isn't that into them, but a faulty ego system and broken self esteem allows them to think they can eventually change this reality.)
You can grab any random female (or male) who is in a dysfunctional relationship with a partner who isn't really into them and they will almost always admit that they "know" they deserve better. But because you're not offering solutions to the root problems–ego and self esteem–they will be right back with the loser three weeks later. (Three years later, after countless heartache, they will come to you and say "you were right, I should've left him." But that's after years of misery.)
The problem isn't "knowing"–I believe most people already "know." The problem is that the solutions being offered are fake observations that don't factor in reality and the root problems. These observations just "sound good." If your car has a blown engine, then going to the body shop for a new paint job doesn't fix the car–even if you really need a new paint job.
The book offers cosmetic solutions that don't work in real life. It doesn't go deep enough towards tackling the root issues. The women who read the book are no more closer to fixing the core reasons that made them stay with homeboy than they were before they read the book. Until they fix the mindset that has them thinking they can change men, then six months from now, they'll be repeating the same mistakes with another unworthy man.
@princessb
Filters work in situations where the guy being selected is the problem. But in this particular situation, in these scenarios, it's actually the female that's the problem. He is being himself. She is attempting to change that.
The book is a very informative one, and certainly engaging. But in these scenarios it's the female that needs to work on internal issues like ego and self esteem and control issues. She could actually have perfect "filters," and the guy could be a wonderful man who just isn't that into her. She didn't "choose" a bad guy per se, she just can't accept that she can't always have what she wants.
It's a hard lesson, but it's reality: "every person you find interesting and attractive won't feel the same about you." A bloated ego makes this lesson harder to learn–no matter how obvious the signs.
*yawning*
Moot.
Wow. Anyone who tries to make something great work is fit for marraige. Someone has to be the glue. Someone has to be focused. Someone has to hold it together and it's often the woman. To do that you really have to go out of your way and people label you as "thirsty" or "delusional" or say "can't you see the signs?"
Yes. I see that if I want to keep a good man I have to be a strong woman.