There are many events in life that deserve congratulations and praise from your peers. They are moments where you have achieved a great thing, overcome some sort of obstacle, or reached a new place in your life or career.
Just got a promotion … congratulations!
Just won the super bowl … congratulations!
Just beat that charge with only probation … congratulations!
You just booked Garbielle Union while walking out her trailed … congratulations!
Yes, there are a plethora of things in this world that deserve the utmost respect from your peers. But, this simple statement is sometimes just used too often and where its just not warranted.
Finally paying child support … uh … n****a you were supposed to be doing that.
Kept a job for a year without getting fired … uh … that’s nothing special for any normal person.
Roasted Rick Ross on a mixtape … uh … sorry 50 … no props for that.
But … there is one even that seems to garner the high fives, congratulations, and “good jobs” of females all over when its just not deserved. It seems to make them happy for you, give you a hug, and possibly jump for joy when its not really a momentus event at all. You know what I’m talking about right …
Getting a boyfriend/girlfriend
When I got with my girlfriend, I told my friends. They had known about her, and had been waiting on an outcome for some time. When they finally saw the white smoke come out of the chapel and heard the news … there was one of two reactions … and oddly enought they varied according to sex.
SBM: “Yeah man … so I wifed her up”
Jamal: “Yeah, well she sounds nice. Guess we aint going out no more.”
SBM: “Man … don’t say that. I can be happy with her and still see my friends.”
Jamal: “Whatever n***a. Be good though … talk to you next year.”
And then we go to one of SBM’s few and well chosen female friends and associated
SBM: “So … I got a girlfriend now.”
Shayla: *jumping up and down* “Oh my God. I can’t believe it! Congratulations!!!!! I’m so happy for you”
SBM: “Uh … thanks. Its not that serious … had to lock her down cause she is just … well … great.”
Shayla: *pouting* “Awwww. That’s so sweet. You are so in love … its so cute.”
SBM: “Please stop … your making me ill.”
Shayla: “That’s just the love in your stomach.”
Why oh why is this such a momentus occasion? Isn’t getting in a relationship just a part of life? Isn’t it part of the natural human evolution that we all go through over time? Is it really something to utter the c-word for?
Since I’m gonna go out there on the limb and say this is a strictly female phenomenom (I don’t hear guys our here popping bottles for new girlfriends) … I’m gonna go ahead and blame it on the fact that too many women feel validated by a relationship … but that’s another post for another day.
Can someone help me to understand this? Or is it really that all my friends just know me well enough that the idea of me (a guy who everyday answers to the name of Single Black Male) finally entering a relationship is something to truly shout home about?
People are celebrating you having a girlfriend because it is a happy thing. What the fuck is so hard to understand?
Additionally, it is a little bit surprising and thus warrants a little cheering from a woman.
Anywho – I don’t need a relationship to validate me (in fact I often avoid them like the plague) but CONGRATS on the girlfriend bro.
She is great to have.
B.
Yes SBM, this post is spot on and extra accurate. I too,the enigma that is Slim Jackson, have encountered this 100 times over and still don't understand it. The girls who say it are usually sincere, but then at least like twice a week they ask how's wifeykins doing. I was talking about this with someone yesterday and she explained that sometimes it's just a cordial thing to do and to gauge if a dude will be in a bad mood. Oops, tangent.
As for this "congrats" phenomenon, I've never said that to anyone. Most I'll say is "that's cool" and "have you ran a background check?""
So when you decide to make such an annoucnement to your female friends…how would you like for her to respond?
Is a congratulations really that silly or offensive? People generally give a congrats for good things that happen to their friends and family, especially if said freind or family feels the need to announce said 'good' thing that happened. What other reaction are you expecting or wanting?
BTW…I've heard men congratulate each other on relationships before as well. So though it may be more common among women…it is not solely a 'woman thing'.
I think women get so excited because men are seemingly, so hard to break. Some of you act like getting in a relationship is the equivalent of walking you into the House of Doom.
So when we see you actually taking the next step, it's exciting.
I'm so guilty of this and didn't even realize it til I read that scenario with Shayla (which was HILARIOUS btw). I guess Nicki said it best: Y'all be actin like y'all one step away from Doomtown before you get into a relationship. So excuse me, for being extra excited, that a good man as yourself, is big enough and mature enough to take that next step (however scary it may be) and to know when he has a good woman on his hands. Yes, congrats are in order. And, yes, you've won something. You've won requited love and happiness—a rarity these days. Please enjoy.
I'm gonna co-sign a couple of these comments as well. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying Congratulations. In my mind I think it comes from one of two places: 1. Its a good thing and people are happy for you. 2. In this day and age Men AND Women run from relationships so when someone 'Mans-up' (no pun intended)and gets into a relationship with someone they think is 'great' I think its worthy of congratulations.
Also SOME women think a relationship validates them. Not every female is looking out to get that white picket fence 2.5 kids and a dog. I find comments like that strange in this day and age. This is not the 1950s. Women (such as myself) are interested in having a home and family but it ISN'T an all consuming need and life validater for us. Now that you have been informed: Please act/think accordingly.
I think the congratulations would be a little more in line if I was someone who had been struggling to find someone, pinned over being in love, and spent my days coming up with names for my future kids.
Instead, I was someone who was happy and comfortable being single, but open and willing to commit to someone good and worth the effort. I mean … its just not that serious!
@Amber: Maryland making it to the National Championships is a happy thing. SBM finding a good woman is just another day. I'm no relationship-phobe or anything.
@Tam: That whole talking sh*t right afterwards is another facet I forgot to touch, but makes the whole thing that much more odd.
@Jada: I want her to respond the same way I would … a sarcastic smirk followed by "want a cookie".
@Nicki: It's really not that hard to break us.
@Cheekie: Women use pause?
SBM is right. This is mostly a female phenomenon. Men are more interested in details like shortys background, if hes sure thats a good move, and whether or not wifey will let your homeboy come out the house anymore.
Maybe men are more disinterested with this information and women show their happiness with the c-word. Some women may show this adjulation because you gettin wifed up gives them hope that nothing is impossible, love can still manifest itself within relationships today, and not all male/female situations are fcuked up.
I dont congratulate either way. I just tip my cap and get my ears ready to listen to any future joy or issues the couple may endure, while hoping for them to succeed.
"@Nicki: It’s really not that hard to break us."
She-it! I need Cliff's notes then.
I think the part of the thing is that when someone congratulates you on something that you think is regular, it kinda comes across as a tad bit offensive. It's like the person had a low standard or expectation for you. I know I was like "damn, did you expect me to just be single and miserable forever when I never said that in the first place?"
Maybe I'm just too manly a man. **shrugs**
I will agree that giving congrats on a relationships is primarily a female things, I have also never actually heard a man say congratulations when a male friend of his gets in a relationship.
It is so funny because I was just talking about this the other day with a guy friend of mine. It came up because on facebook whenever someone changes their relationship status to “in a relationship” you see all these comments (from women) congratulating them. I think some women are genuine and are actually happy for the men, perhaps because it gives them hope that there actually are men out there that want to be in a relationship. Others are just commenting to see a reaction from the man.
I guess it just annoys me because I’ve experienced women congratulating someone and then 5 min later talking $hit like, “you know it’s not going to work out with them, I don’t even know why they are together’.
I thnk its common to say congratulations bcuz for many ppl its hard to find that good man/woman….so when sum1 does i thnk it does warrant a congrats of sum sort.
I'll say this, it's sad but true. People disappear when they start relationships. You have to find the balance, though, to have cultivate your friendships as well.
Why is it a big deal? Because you're professing the state of being one, and people think you're on your way to, you know, hearing that wedding song. …
SIDE NOTE: To the gents that read this, I need a little help in proving a point on my blog about weave-wearing women …
please read this and co-sign if you agree: http://thismayconcernyou.com/2009/03/29/41-weave-…
I don’t see any hidden meaning behind it. Maybe its a man thing.
Amber – “People are celebrating you having a girlfriend because it is a happy thing. What the fuck is so hard to understand?”
I gotta co-sign Amber on this one. I mean, I can psychoanalyze with the best of them, but the root of a “congrats” is simple: They’re happy you’re happy! Naw, getting boo’d isn’t an accomplishment, per se, but neither is having a baby (in most cases…I do acknowledge that a lot of people DO have a struggle with this). And people get congrats for that all the time. It’s just an expression based on the person you care about getting something they wanted.
But, if I wanted to go deeper (pause), then:
Nicki – “I think women get so excited because men are seemingly, so hard to break. Some of you act like getting in a relationship is the equivalent of walking you into the House of Doom.”
This, too. Because in this case, it is sort of an accomplishment. Finally succumbing to something good that you’ve been resisting warrants mad props.
hi call
It’s just the different ways men and women look at relationships. Women are overcome with dreams of love and white fences and 2.5 children and a dog. Men want to have good loving at home but still be able to kick it with the boys. As long as your happy with whats going on, no ones congrats or lack off really matters.
They congratulate you because it’s a happy thing, I would think.
HAHA! I have said Shayla’s exact words…many times. Idk I just get so excited about the prospect of a new, healthy, happy relationship! All of my guy friends avoid them! idk why, they are always at the top of their game when ish is going good in their relationships. And when things go bad…well they become evil and then get back on their game for other reasons :/ wait, what am I talking about!? Oh yeah, relationships are fun even though I’m averaging 1 every 5 years!
But hey, this ain’t about me!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!
@MDUBB: Took me 45 minutes to come up with that one too.
“@Cheekie: Women use pause?”
Sure. Why not? We find it funny and appropos, too.
I haven’t seen as many women using it as men, but I’ve noticed more and more of us catching on to it and enjoying using it.
Well dang! I was just on another blog I frequent and a MAN congratulated a WOMAN on her relationship….hmmm.
Maybe in the future men should forwarn the people they inform of their changing relationship status on the proper reaction before they share such information.
Y’all are funny.
“That’s just the love in your stomach”
Man you are constantly killing me with the one liners.