Yesterday morning I was at my gym with sleep in my eyes handling some administrative affairs at the front desk. I had a terrible case of the Mondays, and this “illness” was intensified by the fact that my job is like a 5-7 minute walk from my gym. The printer wasn’t working at the desk and the dude trying to “assist” me had a look of confusion that closely resembled that of the people known for walking in front of cars or lacking the ability to drive effectively under any circumstance (If you don’t know, ask somebody). Needless to say, my ability to keep my cool was deteriorating and then I heard exactly what I didn’t wanna hear in the morning on the way to work when I’m surrounded by white folks:
“Yall n*ggas is wildin. Yo Jamal, stop f*ckin playin. I’m bout to punch you in the face n*gga”.
I cringed like fingernails were being dragged across a chalk board. With my blood pressure at 160 over 120, I turned around and noticed it was a group of 5-6 black youth. For the purpose of this post, I will define youth as 17 and under. I don’t care if Greg Oden looks older than the oldest NBA player and is like 18. The average high school kid is…well…young.
After taking a look at each of the lads, I turned back around to deal with the front desk person. He was a 20 something white dude that I had interacted with on 2 previous occasions. He awkwardly smiled like he didn’t hear what was going on, but I could tell that he was pretty uncomfortable. I looked back at him as to convey “Yeah buddy. Believe it or not, I’m uncomfortable too.” Coincidentally, his boss appeared as the number of N-bombs being dropped climbed toward 30. I’m not sure if dude pressed a button under his desk that said “rough black guys alert” or if he just saw a clutter of people at the desk and wanted to offer assistance. Either way, I think his timing was impeccable. He didn’t look concerned or nervous. He addressed them as he would address me or any of the gyms regular white patrons. I appreciated it, but at the same time I felt a little awkward. Here I am in a suit with some stylish specs looking like an urban professional, and next to me are dudes that look like me physically but appear to be cut from a different cloth.
As a single Black male, I hate these situations. Whether it’s on the subway/metro, a bus, or at a public venue, I hate feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know that I’m not far removed from where the youth came from or where they are in life currently. I hung out with dudes like this. I’ve dropped my fair share of n-bombs and still occasionally do in private. I still associate with folks who don’t know when to turn it down. Then again, I guess that’s just them being them and I’m used to it. But when it comes to young Black/minority folks, I struggle a bit.
There have been so many situations where I wanted to be like “Yall need to chill out” or “Let the lady have the seat”, but I didn’t feel like getting caught up in the mess. I remember when I used to be out with friends (A term that I don’t use loosely nowadays) and they would just tell someone “f*ck off” or “mind your own business”. I don’t respond too kindly to such words being said to me, so I usually opt to say nothing and tune them out all together before I become the aggressor. Even if I turn up the ipod, I can still see what’s going on and still feel compelled to take some type of action. In my mind, I’m supposed to be a role model of sorts; but I know that sitting there in a suit isn’t enough to change a life. I also know that chiming in when youth are “expressing themselves” or being blatantly disrespectful is gonna just leave me in a tougher spot than I started more times than not. *Sigh*
This is just one single Black man’s plight, but I know it is not gender specific. How does one handle the wayward youth in public? Do you tune in or tune them out? Any examples or stories? Let’s chat it up. We just might change a life today…
I can only do so much without losing my cool,
@ JaneDoh! – Am I a bad person for laughing at the phrase "pigeon soccer"?
it's hilarious.
I leave them alone or hope that the dirty look I am giving them will work, unfortunately it never does. Kids are not the lolipops licking, sweet natured creatures they used to be (damn sure not in my neighborhood) but I did have to speak up once. There were about 3 boys hanging around the bus stop and they decided it would be fun to kick some pigeons. Not scare but kick. When I saw this bird fly across the street (it was kind of nesting in the grass) I lost it. I cussed them out, questioning what the f*%$ was wrong with them. I suggested they go home and break open a damn book besides trying to pigeon soccer. They left and thankfully I am in still in tact.
I feel you Slim- for I've been there. It really depends on my mood actually.
Some days I'm angry for no reason and I'm confrontational so I won't hesistate to correct a teenager. I have an angry place in my heart for children between the ages of 13 and 19… they think they know everything but are so childish and stupid. I feel like if you correct a teen, no matter how nice or respectful you do it, you have to be ready for confrontation.
Otherwise, I just ignore them.
@Miss A. No you are not a bad person. Hell hindsight I smirked at the phrase when it popped in my head…only because I remember the bird being ok (that's acceptable right?)
@ Nicki: I have an angry place too lol. Even the youth at church, oh my. But they know me and my mom do not play. Miss C and moms will throw a shoe quick! lol
Slim I feel your pain but mine extends to ghetto chicks up to the age of around 40 not knowing how to act in public. Completely embarrassed as a woman period in most cases when they do not know how to be polite in public, they become loud and obnoxious when they order something at a fine restaurant not knowing what it really is and creating a scene. You just want to duck down. One white friend of mine told me once that they understand the embarrassment as well when rednecks around. I can see the similarity but ours is on a totally different level. A friend of mine keeps telling me to stop complaining and do something about it like starting an etiquette club for young kids, catch while we can. Still just thinking about it lol. I'm like you; sometimes I don't want to be bothered.
I am killed at Jane's story… LMAO.
"I have an angry place too lol. Even the youth at church, oh my. But they know me and my mom do not play. Miss C and moms will throw a shoe quick! lol"
@Reign: Yes. Sometimes the kids at church are thee worst. At mine, they just stare at you, sizing u up.. little girl. SPEAK. lol
@reign: I forgot about the case of the "40 year old hot mess". This is also on my list of embarrassments. This woman was on the subway yesterday with her 3 kids and she was blasting music off her portal music device. It looked like one of those travel dvd players. I wanted to snatch it out of her hand and slap her with the McDonald's bag that was next to her. Grrrrr. Woosah.
@JaneDoh: Kicking pigeons? Really? What kinda delinquent behavior is that? This reminds me of a story I heard about kids in England trying to bbq a live puppy. Awful.
boy ol boy if I had nickle for every situation where folk just totally lack couth and any form what-so-ever of social grace, from nail shops to the metro to walking down the street to food estb etc etc etc…
I was on my way to my car last week @ Eastern Market when these dude got on @ L'enfant Plaza….they proceded to engage in a rather loud profanity filled conversation about going to the studio, old folks, white folks around and all, just no respect decorum nothing…thesed dudes looked like they were on the age 40's door step btw…I thought to myself how vulgar and ignorant and I hoep they don;t think they look cool or REAL by being so ignorant pass the age to know better, what neanderthals(sp)…
Don't me wrong tho LOL while I can flip and bounce slanguistics and profanity with the best of em' LOL I have an off/on switch tho and know whats appropriate according to settings etc ..thats that univeralism discussed here before, and just being Gemini LMAO ..see I'm multifaceted like that……its very embarrassing when folk don't have that ability tho..I just have to look at people and SMH
Hey Slim…Try teaching at a majority black high school and then try telling these youngsters why they shouldn't use the N word. I actually banned it from my classroom but that didn't stop them from using it.
Kids aren't instilled with discipline and courtesy anymore and I blame these crummy arsed parents and no one else. But ya know…can't say anything to them either…life is so hard. *rolls eyes*
@Nicki – LOL – "I have an angry place in my heart for children between the ages of 13 and 19". I couldn't agree more.
I struggle with this as well, because it is really embarrassing and many times they don't even have a clue. However, it can become confrontational.
There was one time when I confronted some unruly Black teenage girls and told them they should settle down. They were being loud and obnoxious, cussing, swearing on the train. They got off the train at the same stop I did and followed me to my car, threatening to break my car window, but they said that to the wrong one (or should I say right one) b/c I straight "spazzed out" on them. I dared them to break my window. I can't even remember everything I said b/c I was so angry, but I know it included running one of those little broads over, and by that time I was in my car ready to go. They left after that saying I was crazy.
yeah its hard not to have that attitude like you can't stand most teenagers, I can only take them in very very very small doses..SMH,,,folk used to tell me things like I was regal as a teen… todays young folk are a diff breed…..they don't know how to be young gentleman and ladies, some do, the majority don't, like they revel in being uncivilized *shrug*
"I'se sez I'se sho is deh proudes' guh on dis hea side uh da town. Yeh boy, nem guhs on dat norf sie thank dey fly but dem ain't seez nuffin till dey gets deyz eyes on me in dis hea 'fit!" – Reading slave-talk aloud tickles me. The uncanny similarities it has to modern day ghetto-speak saddens me. (Quote taken from the #4 Cottage Grove bus one morning.)
@Reign – I, too, am embarrassed by obnoxiously loud Black women. I take public transportation to work, and nothing irks me more than loud *ss women screaming into their phone about how "Pookie-nem say she ain't say dat" an that "Rickie-nem gone get him afta work."
Wait, that's not true- more than loud women, I hate young men who wont get up for old women to have a seat. One day I gave my seat for an older lady, and this young punk sat in it before she could hobble over to it. Frustrated I yelled at him. "What H.E.double-hockey-sticks it wrong with you?!?!" He jumped, and backed slowly away from me…
Many times I feel moved to say something. Like "are you going to give me your seat young man?" I also think that because I am a woman they are less likely to try to plex. Normally they just do as I say. But then there are other times when I am tired and don't feel like parenting kids too old to belong to me and I just keep my trap shut.
@Slim: tell me you are lying? Not the puppy! I don't get, I really don't.
@Raqi: lol, Rickie and nem. Why is it always someone named Rickie?
"There was one time when I confronted some unruly Black teenage girls and told them they should settle down. They were being loud and obnoxious, cussing, swearing on the train. They got off the train at the same stop I did and followed me to my car, threatening to break my car window, but they said that to the wrong one (or should I say right one) b/c I straight “spazzed out” on them."
LMAO. I agree. there must be some kind of fearlessness in you to confront of group of monster kids…
"Frustrated I yelled at him. “What H.E.double-hockey-sticks it wrong with you?!?!” He jumped, and backed slowly away from me…"
I love this! High fives
i’m laffing so hard at my desk right now! LMAO!!!
you know, i’m actually normally the one to say something to the kids. i must come off as intimidating cuz i haven’t anyone back talk me yet. but then again, i volunteer a lot in the community so a lot of the youth does know me.
however, depending on the day, i may be the one to ignore them too. ladebelle + confrontation = all hell breaking loose… i’ve got a bad temper.
I used to be a teacher so my natural instinct is to say something. I can typically identify the ring leader. I pull him or her to the side and say it in a real low tone. I tell them that all the loud isn't really necessary. "Now you know you're straight wildin' out up in here." Or some other not too high post language. I'm a mini person. Not big at all. But I find the most resistance doesn't come from the boys. It always comes from the girls. I feel it's my duty to say something.
The sad part is a lot of these kids don’t think they are doing anything wrong (or don’t understand). I mentor high school kids and on several occassions I’ve had conversations with them correcting them for stooopid ish and they really don’t care. They don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.
They’re gonna be leading the country one day. smh
I too struggle with the question of should I say something or should I let them be many times as well…more often than not even if I don’t verbally chastise the children I indicate that their behavior isn’t acceptable with my body language….alas I don’t care if they call me out of my name if it means an opportunity to show them that acting like wild animals ain’t what’s hot…..too often we leave our youth to their own devices when clearly they don’t know any better….
Two events come to mind:
1. Two 14/15-ish age girls got on the bus. They were cursing and disrespecting older men and women on the bus even insinuating that one old man was attempting to touch one of the girls even though he was trying to mind his business. They both also had children. I wanted to say something but I didn't although I tend to command respect from teenagers. I've worked with them all through undergrad and being 24 makes it so I can still relate. I never said anything although I cut my eyes at them a few times … they noticed. They let me off the bus before them because I had on "pretty heels". I was hoping I could be an example that we can come from the same area and carry ourselves with more respect … then I tripped. I tripped ugly. Arms flailing dropped my purse ugly. They laughed HARD and I knew my lesson was lost.
2. These two boys were singing/dancing to hip hop music at the bus stop. It was all high pitched n*ggas and b*tches and h**s for 30 minutes. I was so close to telling informing them that they were embarrassing themselves, their mothers, and their President but I sat and stewed instead.
I know should start speaking up. I wrote about some of the kids I mentor at my blog and just hearing their stories makes me want to try harder to be as influential as I can be.
@ Raqi: Dead at Pookie-nem!!! wow i needed that laugh, that’s exactly what I’m talking about.
@ Slim: LMAO… breathe in, breathe out. da*n if only we could slap’em without fearing the ramifications lol
I'm 18 and i hate to consider the fact that these hooligans with no "home training/self respect", hell respect period, represent me to an extent. I believe i was raised well and my mother put the fear of god in me when it came to doing stupid things especially in public and if I slipped up I got my A*s beat. All these kids need is a swift kick in the A*s and a punch in the chest every time they do something stupid, alas violence directed at children is frowned upon, perhaps exceptions should be made for times such as these *sigh* and it's no better with supposedly educated black folks, I attend and HBCU and while they're not as bad as the fools in the BX they still needs work
i’ve been in plenty of situations like this before. awkward to say the least. most times i just keep it moving and don’t say anything. the youth these days is mad disrespectful. i really don’t have time to mess up my day trying to school so 17 y/o who could give a shit less.
as far as them dropping the n-bomb, it would make me cringe. i let the word slip occasionally and i really try not to. it really makes me cringe when i hear a women call a man the n word. for some reason i hate it more when women use the word.
@CPT: Man, that’s exactly why I couldn’t be a teacher. I’d spazz and dropkick students regularly. That would not be good a good look. Sometimes I really can’t tell if we’re progressing or going backwards despite Barack.
"But I find the most resistance doesn’t come from the boys. It always comes from the girls. I feel it’s my duty to say something."
Say it again!
For anyone else: don't be bytchmade steppin to these kids. I did it but I don't necessarily look like an easy win unless I'm outnumbered. Many of these kids want to listen and be disciplined, but you could never tell that sometimes until you actually corner them and talk to them.
funny LMAO
I say something about 80% of the time. I'm a firm believer in the "It takes a whole Village to raise a child" motto. My mom is known around my neighborhood for pulling teenagers off the block sittin them at our dinner table after telling them to pull up their pants stop cussing and backslap them for sassing her. I got like 15 'brothers'. A lot of these kids don't have anyone around them to tell them what they're doing is ignorant. Yes they can be very irksome and embarrassing when your in a room full of folks but when we don't attempt to pull them up… what are we saying to them? Like someone said earlier they are our future and honestly I'd rather pull them to the side to tell them about themself rather than let them grow up into ignorant older folks(which in my opinion is FAR worse). I worked for a drop out prevention program in undergrad and have also been a mentor for the last 6years and it is HARD to find people (guys more than firls) to mentor these kids. Every little bit helps seriously. Yes we all have day jobs but taking the time to be a mentor, start ettiquette classes, etc goes a long way. "Each one teach one"
I’ve been in similar situations before, and honestly I don’t speak up. I have mentored youth in the past and hope to show by my example that there’s a time and place for everything. I used to be the same way, well not as blatent, but knew how to act when in public or when grown folx is around. If I know the kids, I’ll speak up and check em.
Random kids today? You’re taking a real chance, especially on the street. A lot of these kids are trying to be hard [||] and act gangsta, and when older people check them, their quick to test. I think it works better when a woman checks the young black kids, especially if she’s either attractive or significantly older (seriously). That aggression turns to shame and fear respectfully. Shame that you got a fine girl checkin your attitude instead of checkin for your #, and fear of someone who could be your momma or granny ready to layeth the smaketh down!
I will try to be mindful and assist these young black men more though. Sometimes its ignorance and they just don’t know what they’re doing. Awareness can go a long way.
Well I lose my cool constantly especially if their pants are hanging off their ***es!! If nothing else, I feel compelled to say something to the fact of making them see how we already have so much to deal with why make themselves an additional target by being stereotyped by their lewd activities and frequent dropping of n*bombs!!! I’ve experienced times, when the “Lil Thundercats”© start popping off at the lip and I simply just tell them how would they respond if it was one of their moms telling that to a stranger and that usually nips it all that lip chopping in the bud. But I feel ya on this one, each one, teach one!!!
Stay True!!!!
I also work in a high school dominated by minorities and it is difficult. I banned the N word in my class and boy of boy were the students pissed. I took 5 points off a test grade each time they said it. I had a parent come up to the school and actually complain about my policy. She actually went to the AP of my department and complained. Luckily he backed me on it.
It makes me cringe when I see kids showing their behind on the train and bus but I usually don't say anything. Execpt when high school kids are picking on jr high kids. After I teach I'm tired. I wait until the middle of a period to leave school as to make sure I don't bump into any students. I don't want to deal with attitude and insubordinate raffians while i'm on the train. I want to listen to my iPod and read my book. Is this wrong? probablly but like Slim said I already have a job and in my case I already work with kids and while I enjoy it, it does wear me out sometimes.
Gee where was all of this innocence yall during the 80's and teh 90's you know the decades of Crack-Tenn Promiscuity run rampant-and of course crass materialism?
Werent us "70's Babies" the reasonn crime from LA to NYC was thru the roof? In fact cops in those cities still say times arent as bad as in the early 90's or late 80's. Yea these kids are bad and what we were better? For crying out loud I was with girls in the The Tunnel in the 90's as they got in under age-some of those girls now are late 20's. And are they appalled at what their daughters want to wear and post on the Web? Rembember when Biggie said "they calling the City for help because they cant maintain" those "kids" in that song was US. So stop please ppl not us, be the ones acting all high siddity as nostaligia not reality fills your memory. Our generation did dumb shit not just "this current age group". We are the age group that they compare the 80's kids to (esp with Sex and Violence).
Our age group put metal detactors in schools waaaay before Columbine. Our age group became the "hustlas" and some of yall dated them (and THAT is what srcrewd up relationships in our times. I am 33 I got friends that KILLED ppl at 16 or 18 these young kids today are NOTHING like what was on the streets when I was 18. And last I say this and I still live in my old hood, Brooklyns' East New York section (the hood with arep as big as NYC). I was no better than they are, heck I dropped outta high school but I did get my GED and eventually got my degree from NYU. But I will not get all fuzzy nostalgic about my youth. I smoked-I drank-had sex-put a buck fifty on a few dudes face ALL before 20 yrs old. So my ppl maybe we need to ask "What Did I Do To Perpetuate This" that goes for passsive or aggressive-indirect or direct involvement.
Not in my case! I can't remember the number of times I've tried to discipline these kids when they act out, and I've been laughed at, sassed, and physically threatened. (I doesn't help when I'm petite and get mistaken for a teenager either.) I hate to say it, but I've given up even trying. These kids are beyond anyone's control. They need to want to be helped for anything to work, and many of them don't care.
I totally understand how you feel! I've worked in the city for a few years and used to ride the metro daily. I have witnessed all types of behaviors from our youth. I also frequent a organization that is overflowing with youth and because of the type of "organization", their behavior really get's under my skin!
One Saturday afternoon, my friends and I sat in a Borders to work on edits for a production. I watched two young ladies, (12 and 13 years old) argue back and forth with neck rolling and finger shaking…I started to feel like fire inside! At first my friends didn't notice, but then the girls started getting louder and louder! I was so pissed off at this point! Me thinking: "these little girls in here being loud, ghetto and ignorant!! WHERE is their mother! I want to go over there and jack them up! If they don't shut their face RIGHT NOW!"–I was boiling! One got up and stormed out, the other followed shortly after.
I took some time to calm down, discussed this with my friends and then we went to find them so we could talk to them…one was pacing outside in the parking lot and the other was nowhere in sight. Long story short, we talked to the young lady and let her vent about the situation and then explained to her the importance of carrying yourself with respect and all of the other qualities that a young lady should have. With tears streaming down her face, she tried to resist the guidance and concern that we as strangers had for her and her friend, but eventually she yielded. We found her friend, talked to them both, gave them big hugs after our long talk.
If I see something that is really out of control, I might say something, but when it becomes the norm, I just shake my head in disappointment and embarrassment. In regards to the youth from the organization that I frequent, I don't say anything! WHY? Because their parents are there too! And if their parents let them act a fool then why should I stress myself out about it? And nowadays, parents will flip out and try to fight you if you even look at their kids with expressions of them being out of control.