Crash the Car

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Have you ever been on a different page than someone else? However, you were afraid of how they would react if you told them the reality of the situation? Today’s session is about crashing the car. I had a friend who was telling me about a situation she was going through with a male friend who may be thinking the relationship is more than friends, but she was afraid for her safety if she didn’t just go along with what he was thinking and manage her own actions. I told her, “Sometimes you have to get in their lane and then crash the car.”
Here’s what I’m talking about:
Sometimes men and women meet and the guy is thinking in his head that he would like to sleep with or date the lady. In her mind, she is like I just want to be friends. As most men typically will say, he agrees and says yes, let’s just be friends. He says this, but his opinion will never change, EVER. Final Answer.
As friends they hang out a few times and they start to hang out regularly or routinely. But in her mind, he’s just a friend. At some point she wants to do something else other than hang with the guy and it upsets the guy because in his mind, he’s trying to talk to this girl and she’s not being responsive. He may react, snap back at her, send a dry or angry text message, etc. She’s wondering why he’s doing this and thinks that maybe he’s just a little sensitive. Going forward and after several conversations or email exchanges about the nature of the relationship and that she is not interested in any type of relationship outside of friendship, he still insists that it’s cool that they remain friends. BUT IN HIS MIND, he’s thinking that this is merely a setback and proceeds as planned.  Some guys will even go as far as to start to act out because in their mind, arguments are a sign of a good/healthy relationship.  Be careful to check your Terrorist Alert Advisory Level.
So what do you do? How do you get this guy to lay off without causing him to do something crazy that may involve him harming himself or you? You have to get in his lane. So slide into his lane of “talking”. Get him to think that you are being responsive to his advances. And then you CRASH THE CAR. Find a way for him to find out that you are talking to someone else, or that you are a horrible person to be in a romantic situation with.
Here are some ways you can do that:
  1. Send him a text in the morning, after not seeing him the previous night saying, “Had a great time, we should get up again soon.” When he receives it he’ll think that you’re talking to someone else and get upset and be done with you. Although you totally fabricated this situation. (I am guilty of pulling this text trick. It works like a charm.)
  2. After some time, ask him if he would have a problem if you were talking to other guys while talking to him. Because men are territorial, he’ll say no he has no problem, but now that he knows that it will begin to bother him and he’ll begin to waver.
  3. Just be a horrible person to be talking to. Turn off your phone at night. Disappear for hours. Change/cancel plans. I mean flat out just frustrate this guy once you are “talking”. He’ll see a big difference between when you were just friends and now that you’re talking and fade to black.
In Dr. J’s opinion, there’s nothing wrong with a little Phantom of the Opera.  However, what do you guys think?  Ever had a guy you just couldn’t get rid of no matter how hard you tried?  Heck, fellas have you ever had a girl who just wouldn’t go away no matter how hard you tried?  And good ideas to offer to the other readers?

– Dr. J

Comment(43)

  1. Met a guy once, we'll call him Phil. Phil was really into me, but he was not my type. So I told him, hey Phil, I think you are great, but you are not my type. We can be friends, but it's just not going to go beyond that. Phil would call, talk, come over, hang out, he was determined to change my mind, but I wasn't going to. Fast forward a few months and Phil is getting extra frustrated.

    I really liked Phil, he was a good guy, total sweetheart, but I just didn't like him like that. So I don't really remember if we had a fight or what, but he stopped talking to me. My attempts to stay just his friend failed and he dropped me like the drawers on a gay prisoner. I missed him, but I understood. I guess.. lol

  2. 'Crash the Car' is one of the funniest theories ever. I must share this.

    I have never had this problem bc I change my phone number periodically. lol

    ****** My attempts to stay just his friend failed and he dropped me like the drawers on a gay prisoner *****

    CLASSIC!

  3. i'm actually making use of tactic #3 as we speak. i was talking to this one dude, and realized that i wasn't interested in him anymore… so i started to become MIA. with that said, i don't think i've talked to him on the phone/in person for at least 3 weeks now. however, he's not getting the hint, and continues to text and ask if we can "hang out." i've already told him (before i became MIA) that i wasn't feeling it anymore, and i just wanted to be friends… guess he's convinced that he could change my mind. i think i'm going to try tactic #1 next…

  4. Why does she have to play all those games? Can't she just be honest with him and tell him she just wants to be friends.

    "Dude, I really like hanging with you, but I get the feeling you are looking for more than friendship with me and I'm not interested in that."

    How would she feel if a guy started using those tactics on her?

  5. @ Babs – Because some dudes just won't listen. They will either think you are playing hard to get, or when you say you are not interested they hear, "I'm not interested right now."

    Most men think persistence is virtue.

  6. Good morning Dr. J.

    Some women won't listen either. They feel they can "change" that man's mind

    People should listen. just be friends means JUST BE FRIENDS

    I like number 3. I just bounce and go on with my life. If we weren't serious, then I dont owe you the time to sit you down and let you down easy. Kick rocks. If I was into you, I wouldn't duck your calls and ignore your texts.

    Fuck outta here.

  7. lol

    I hatched the perfect plan to let a dude know its not like that…..

    I let this one dude know we were just going to be friends when we decided to meet at friday's for drinks. I beat him there, brought my cousin and was already drinking and flirting when he arrived.

    LOL..he later told me he was embarassed and said "we can't go out together no more"

    Dude, I wasn't REALLY out with you in the first place

    BWAHAHAHAHAH and he still paid for my meal

    lol …

  8. Believe it or not, Dr. J has been broken up with and didn't even know he was in a relationship. I'm still baffled at how I get dumped and I wasn't in the relationship to begin with.

  9. #3 is the best tactic. Sometimes I do #3 and Im not aware. lol. Im just real busy with life to put someone as a focal point, so at times when I dont hit these woemn up for a while it isnt malicious its just circumstance, but it does help indirectly in the weed out process

  10. Ummmm, this is the most immature sh!t I've read all week.

    Why not just be grown about yours and simply say, "you aren't doing it for me like that."

    I mean really, why all the games…this is that bullsh!t.

  11. Jasmine..

    Perhaps you haven't paid attention to the post.

    Its about what you do when someone you have ALREADY TOLD YOU JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS is still determined to change your mind.

    You have already said its not like that..but they won't listen. We are offering other methods for them to take the hint.

  12. Streetz…

    I find that if you dont MAKE time for someone..then they aren't that important..PERIOD..

    any man or woman should realize that when someone doesn't call back or you dont hear from them for a while…then you aren't important to them

    Dr. J….

    I had the opposite…I thought I was in a relationship when he didn't think so. He didn't want me to screw or see others, he was at my house 6 days a week all the couple stuff. I called him once from my cousin's phone cause mine and said "this your girlfriend" he said "I dont have a girlfriend"

    Thats why I posted on my blogs to the ladies "signs he is not your man"

    No one should assume, if they dont claim u, you aint their man/woman.

  13. @Jasmine – I totally agree. This is childish.

    If I am not feelin someone, I just let the person know, in the BEGINNING. I don't throw out the "we should be friends" line b/c that usually does not play out well with people. I also don't proceed to hang out with him a lot or do anything that would make him think I am interested.

    A lot of people just enjoy having the attention and that's why they come up with the "I want to be friends" line to keep the person's interest. Why do you need to be "friends"? Let the sh%t go.

  14. @Remi

    I have to disagree a little bit. You're right, there are people, including me, who say "let's be friends" and don't really mean it. However, in some cases, i DO really mean it. so in the case with dude i was talking about in my last post, i really thought he was cool to chill with, and was even attracted to him at one point. then for whatever reason, that changed for me, and i let him know that. even after having that discussion, he was still convinced he could change my mind, hence the use of tactic #3 and possibly even one or both of the other two…

  15. @ true – it depends on what the intentions of the "friendship" are. If we meet we cool we hang out here n there, then why speak every single day?

    If we tryin to build upon something and i dont call.. yea im not feeling you, lol.

    pardon the grammar… multitaskin is a MF!

  16. @Vanessa – I still have to disagree. I think sometimes people are afraid to cut people off completely. If you knew he was interested in you in way that you weren't and still convinced that he could change your mind, then you should have let it go at that point. Then you don't have to resort to any "tactic" b/c either way you get rid of him, but at least with the prior it's less offensive and there are less games involved.

  17. Hmm, I'm no fan of games, but Dr J raises a good point. If you are straight up with them but they don't listen, then what do you do? At that point, being straight up with them is futile. You have to do everything short of obtaining a restraining order so maybe a game is appropiate here. Hmmm…

  18. Bad example Dr. J….

    If he wasn't ready to be no daddy, he shoulda had a vascectomy…or brought his own condoms, or stop screwing a girl who had all the obvious signs of a baby trap, or just did what most men do and DIP, pay the child support and dip…

  19. I must say personally … I think this "phenomenon" continues to happen for mainly 2 simple reasons.

    1) Men and women can't be friends, and people don't want to be honest about this. The girl thinks the guy is going to stop liking her, and the guy sometimes won't have the sense to cut her off in true asshole fashion.
    2) A lot of women are still going to f*ck this guy. A lot will never change their mind, but there is a large percentage that will get vulnerable at some point, start feening like a crack fiend for some D, and will make his effort worhtwhile.

  20. "If I am not feelin someone, I just let the person know, in the BEGINNING. I don’t throw out the “we should be friends” line b/c that usually does not play out well with people. I also don’t proceed to hang out with him a lot or do anything that would make him think I am interested. "

    I know right…why even pretend, that's how things get all complicated and messy.

    I also agree with SBM…I think that on a personal level being close friends isn't a good idea. It will at some point get complicated, feelings and then sex..and then a big ole mess.

    I only hang out with my male friends in large groups, and if we do hang out alone or talk for long hours, it's infrequent. There should always be boundaries.

    …but I still think this whole post is silly and childish. Man or Woman up!

  21. @True – I agree, Ray Caruth is a bad example. If you don't want kids with someone, you can just not have sex with that person at all.

  22. "I know several dudes who will be like, i’m her boyfriend but she ain’t my girl."

    ummmm, what kind of batch ass naggas yall have out there where u at?!?

  23. @ jasmine

    I didn't even know dudes did that until it happened to me

    WTF..they want to be your boyfriend, but you aint their girl

    they want YOU to be exclusive but dont want to be themselves

  24. Jasmine, I sincerely wanna know what you do when you're straight up with someone, but they don't listen to you…they just brush it off all "oh, (s)he's just playing hard to get". Even hypothetically, just in case you haven't had to deal with it.

  25. @ Remi and Truth – I agree bad example. I was trying to make a joke and Plaxico'ed myself.

    @ Jasmine – Hence why I said yesterday we shouldn't go so far to say that women are smarter than men. I have known women to be in love with a guy, and he's telling her that he loves her too, but she never met his boys because he say, "I don't want them in my business." and he be telling his boys, that's not my girl, meanwhile they hearing different.

    @ Cheekie – Real talk. Look to be honest, my ex-girl when I was like i'm interested she was like let's be friends, I had to be like OK, let's be friends and show her that side of me that led us to more than friends. And i'm not crazy. I remember back in the day, (yes, i'm a proud product of DCPS, now cut the check b*tch), they used to tell shorties to just give up a fake number or be polite to dudes because dudes would shoot chick's if they didn't give them any play. Men can be crazy!

  26. @DrJ: "I agree bad example. I was trying to make a joke and Plaxico’ed myself." – LOL

    "I remember back in the day, (yes, i’m a proud product of DCPS, now cut the check b*tch), they used to tell shorties to just give up a fake number or be polite to dudes because dudes would shoot chick’s if they didn’t give them any play. Men can be crazy!"

    You can't do that mess now b/c fools have cell phones and want to call the number on the spot to make sure it's not fake. I did that once back in the day and a few months later I ran into the fool that I gave the wrong number to and he cussed my a@$ out. I never did that again.

  27. DR J….

    As a graduate of DCPS..I have to WHOLE HEARTEDLY AGREE WITH THE CRAZY STATEMENT

    I saw a dude smack my friend hard as heck in the face cause she gave him no play

    I blame the loveboat. lol

    Remi…I just tell a dude I'm not interested before I give him a fake…My dumb behind has NO FEAR ..lol…guess that what happens when you see everything

  28. Been there. Done this. Verbatim! Had a friend, who was on the far opposite end in my circle of friends. He invited me to hang out, at what he disguised as an outing for the "gang", and when I got there, it was just us two, and he pretended like he didn't know what happened. I should've known then.

    But here we were, 3 years later, and he was still on my tail(trying to get in it). He would get mad around the guys I dated and act all whiny. I wanted to punch him in his throat… Finally, I "gave him a chance." After a sexless 6 weeks of talking, I ended it.

    He cried.

    Then I thanked God for the freedom!

  29. @ True – I learned the hard way, but men are crazy.

    I have had my fair share of creepy stalkers/wierdos to teach me that lesson. One followed me around for a few days b/c he called me on the first day we met and I didn't answer. He then proceeded to leave me threatening messages. I had to get the police involved and then he stopped.

    @Raqi – "He cried." LOL – One guy tricked me into going on a date with him like that. He didn't even seem like the type who would G me like that. I thought it was only him, I didn't realize other men did that mess.

    I encounter too many wierdos to not be straight up, I don't even want to give a hint of unclarity. This is why I am so adamant about not giving the wrong idea at all. All of those incidents that happened to me could have been avoided if I had been upfront.

  30. Remi

    I remember I met this semi cutie at ESPN zone, I went there alone and we talked. he told me he was married, kid the whole nine. I let him take me home. He tried to get some action, I declined him and kept it moving. You know he used to claim to be in the neighborhood and stuff and would ask what Im doing while sitting outside my house already. WTF…he lived like 30 min away. He wasn't in no neighborhood. kick rocks…I didn't even give him any play…not any at all..I took that ride home and thats it

    now I just tell a dude he cant have my number and im not taking yours cause im not going to call you

    If I do give my number to a dude that seemed cool..and he act stupid..He gets igged till he gives up..or I pull some "turn him off" mess

  31. I let him drop me off at home..he didn't come inside or anything just FYI. I gave him my number before he told me he was married n crap just so yall wont jump down my thote lol

  32. Cheekie, change their number to silent and stop taking their calls…they'll eventually stop and it won't interrupt your day.

    "I have known women to be in love with a guy, and he’s telling her that he loves her too, but she never met his boys because he say, “I don’t want them in my business.” and he be telling his boys, that’s not my girl, meanwhile they hearing different."

    This is NOT at ALL what this post was about though…stop trying to justify that foolishness with something completely unrelated, lol.

  33. i have found that if i really want to get rid of a girl, then the best thing to do is not to have sex with her.

    saying 'no' to sex. who woulda thought i would be saying that.

    'you can keep your bush baby girl i'm good."

    now as far as platonic friends trying to holla… i just say i'm too busy. works all around the board for everything and everybody.

    that way they don't take it personal. i jump in their lane… behind them (flirt a lil, be cool with them)…and let them keep driving and i'm off the highway down some random road before they even realize "what had happened."

    ***other more malicious strategies include openly flirting with other women on facebook walls, statuses, and twitter… they don't love when i do that much at all. plus no one is able to tell who i really like and who i am just kidding around with.

    the best lie is the truth

  34. I had a hard time getting rid of a guy once. He wouldn't not take a hint and stop calling or texting me so the last time he called (and I hate to admit this) i left him a series of text message saying that the reason I hadn't responded was because I was working on my relationship with Jesus Christ. I then told him that he needed to turn away from his life of fornication and idolatry and ask God to release the chains that Satan has on his life. I then sent him random biblical verses.
    Anyways, I just wanted this guy to believe that I had turned into some crazy religious nutcase who didn't want to zero fun. It worked like a charm because I never heard from him again 🙂

  35. "Cheekie, change their number to silent and stop taking their calls…they’ll eventually stop and it won’t interrupt your day."

    Yeah, I thought about it and this is probably the way to "show" them without trying too hard. I concur with the above quoted.

  36. This is hilarious! I have never thought of this analogy but have definitely had moments when I knew I needed to grab the wheel and get myself out of his lane and back onto my own path and journey!

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