***** Admin Note *****
New Poll … Women Proposing. Remember … voting is a right!
- SBM
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New Poll … Women Proposing. Remember … voting is a right!
- SBM
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I have a good friend and most of our conversations go like this:
Me: So I think my ex-girlfriend is senile.GFIDHSW: Why are you talking to [ex] again?Me: Good point, well she wanted to get this dog from VA, so I took her to get it. On the way back she was telling me how she knew I was enjoying single life.GFIDHSW: For god’s sake, you do not like that girl, please stop talking to her. I don’t like her.Me: I mean, if I hadn’t have taken her how would she have gotten the dog. At least now, she’ll have some company.GFIDHSW: smfh.
I was reading a blog the other day and this guy just kept doing things for his ex and though he would notice that other women he was talking to were bothered, he never stopped. I fully understand him. I mean, it’s something that is built in a relationship that just never goes away. For most men, even when they are like to the point where they do not want to have sex with them anymore, they are dating other people, they really want to cut them off, it’s just something that doesn’t let them walk away from them completely. I think it has something to do with men being providers. Most men take care of their women, and they buy into the concept that if they didn’t do it, she won’t be able to do it, and so it is his responsibility to get it done.
(Keep in mind ladies, if you are not talking because he dumped your ass, he won’t even give you the time. He ain’t giving you squadoosh.)
So in addition to the fact that the above story is actually true, here are some things that I would do for my ex that I know I should stop but probably won’t. I will give her a hand around her place. I will give her rides to places when she needs to get there. If she has a function to attend and she needs a date, I will attend. I will give her professional help; job searching, resume building, and interview tips. I will pretty much do anything I can do without feeling like i’m totally giving up too much of myself.
Now when I say, ex-girlfriend let me be clear, i’m not talking about “an” ex, i’m talking about, “the” ex. This would be totally out of line if this was an ex from high school or early in college. Also, I do see how this can be a problem in the future. I don’t really bring the fact that I do these things up with people i’m talking to, quite frankly, it’s none of their business. I think that when I get in another relationship i’ll probably have to stop it, but even then it will not be cold turkey.
Now the question I pose to the SBM readers and visitors; Do you feel like the Jackson Five when it comes to your ex? Do you continue to maintain a relationship with your ex that might be considered inappropriate? What i’m really looking for is for the gentlemans to share what they do for their exes they know they shouldn’t. And ladies if you wouldn’t mind tell us noodles how you take advantage of your exes because you know you can get them to do it.
I don't take advantage. Favors here and there. Carry this big ass tv in my house, *please*. It's not a everyday thing, tho. I figure like this: You were doin favors before when you were gettin that GOOD GOOD, why should now be any different? We're not together, we ain't gettin back together but we're cordial. So I ask for favors and he does them. I do the same for him, so its not that serious. And any woman thats in his life needs to deal.
I agree w/ Miss Sia,
"You were doing favors before when you were getting that GOOD GOOD, why should now be any different? We’re not together, we ain’t getting back together but we’re cordial".
There are some things that I feel I can get away with because of the history we have but some stuff doesn't change w/ that ex aka "thee" ex. The level of emotion was deep and nothing or no one can change that. That is just the type of friendship/relationship we have with each other regardless of who's in our life now, there are just some things that won't change.
First time here and this is what I think. I think there should be a limit to what a guy does for an ex. You can not just take it for granted that your current will have to deal with it should she find out. I am not one to make enemies with exs but even I have the common sense not to demand so much. I personally see it as weakness on my side if I have to call on an ex all of the time.
Admittedly, I call on my ex to do things around the house, when I'm unattached or seeing someone new and I haven't crossed that bridge into that level of comfortableness with them yet. My Ex (using caps cuz our relationship was LIKE THAT) ALWAYS comes through though. He was THEE Ex (as you all refer). I usually can tell when he's seeing someone else my ability to get him to commit to certain things will be challenged by time constraints. lol So, I might not get things done exactly when I need him to. Oh, and honestly, I like seeing him and it gives me an excuse to catch up. We love each other but are not on the "same page" and had "bad timing". Oh, yeah, he calls on me too when he needs professional advisement or wants me to make a professional intro.
?? SBM does your current know you do these things for your ex? And, how does she feel about it? How does it make you feel to know she might be doing the same with her ex when you're unavailable?
A dog, son? A DOG?!?!?
Now see, I thought here at SBM that simpin' was frowned upon. If you're doing that many favors for an ex ("the" ex, whatever) you.are.trickin'. She needs to woman up and rely on herself or someone else, because (and you already know this) no quality woman that you get with in the future will tolerate you running this many errands for her. There'll come a point when you can't come running and guess what – she'll manage. Just like she managed before she knew you.
And yes, in the past I have relied on an ex for a physical favor (mostly moving furniture). Being a single woman this day in age can be tough, and we can definitely use a muscle now and again. No need to turn into the ice man. But alot of the "damsel in distress" calls are just to re-affirm to her that she's still got "it".
As women, when we fall in love our hearts belong to you (thanks, Whitney). As men, when you fall in love your balls belong to us. Can't move on if they're still on the ex's trophy case for occassional admiration.
*shots fired*
I agree with Anna N. If someone is an ex, whether the person was “thee” ex or not, all that mess should stop, especially if you are in another relationship. This is just a woman’s way of knowing that no matter who you are with, she has a hold on you. For some women this is a power thing b/c she feels as if she has one up on any gf you have and that she can have you back any time she wants. If you are a man who lets your ex G you into doing this much for her, then you are not over her and want something to hold on to, so you might as well go back with her.
One of my friend’s broke up with her bf over this foolishness, and now he is still begging b/c he thinks she was “the one”, but she has already moved on with a guy that she will most likely marry, and who is not a simp for any ex.
Pretty much if any ex can call on you for that many “favors”, then you are a simp and a trick. Point blank. You may not be directly trickin’ money, but you are trickin’ your time, energy, and resources and that’s worse. You can always get money back, but time is never replenished.
@Anna: Thank you for being the first one to bring out the s-word. I didn't want to be the first.
Yeah … I can't get with this one. There are some very rare cases where I might feel the need to be nice to an ex, but I am very much of the belief that favors stop once the f*ing stops. There are rare cases where me and an ex are actually legitimate friends now, but that's rare.
If I'm getting you a dog, then I need to be getting some p*…
As long as you're not in a relationship, doing those things for an ex shouldn't be an issue. Now if you are in a relationship and your current woman has a problem with it, you should respect that and stop doing those favors. The Ex needs to know that you have completely moved on.
How would you feel if your girlfriend was still doing favors for her ex–example, dropping him off lunch, picking up his clothes for the cleaners, or dropping his dog off at the vet, etc.
I've been busy writing so I haven't been around in awhile. I just answered your current poll. Of course I picked the WTF…Hell Naw option. (You may have already done a post on the topic…if not, it definately deserves one of its own).
Yeah cuz, I gotta agree with the females on this one, lmao @ Anna. Homegirl is harsh, (shots fired, lol) but sometimes a cold ass reality check is in order. When we (exes) break it off, its a wrap. Not always a big ass display or nothin', but we usually cut communication almost completely, down to a "see ya when I see ya my n*gga" type thing. No simpin' here bruh.
…But like O.J. said, "…I understand" lmao
I agree with Anna on this one. As a woman that was raised in a single parent home for awhile, I know how to do a lot of things for myself, because my mom did EVERYTHING. I don't really rely on a man to do a lot, maybe car stuff…. I have consulted with an ex about contacts and job info, even for club hookups, but that's about it. If I'm dating a guy and he does a lot of things for his ex and females that arent his mama or sister he def gets the side eye from me–but its mostly because I'm conditioned to doing things for myself and don't really like to ask anybody for anything.
Ooooh Anna, I am SO with you. She's pimpin' you bruh. There is no way in the hell I would tolerate my man going over to another woman's house – ex or not – to do something for her. N***a are you SERIOUS?! Okay then, how about I call T over here to help me put down my floors – he's good at that you know? How would YOU feel about that? If your woman pulled the same isht? She managed before you & she'll manage after you. The ONLY exceptions would be things like, "Hey, would you look at my resume (because you're an expert at that type of thing and she e-mails it to you)" or "Hey, you know the guy that works at X. Can you put in a good word for me?" Simple, very low effort things like that. The rest of that is b.s. You're getting used because she only calls on you when she doesn't have a man in her life to do these things for her. She knows you're the simp that will come running when she puts on the baby voice & bats her eyes. Move on.
The case of the ex should be left in the past. There is no reason to keep in touch unless you're single and thirsty, you have a kid together or you like to cheat on your partner. Taking her out of town to get a dog? What!?! That's just stupid. Why couldn't she ask a sibling, her parents or a friend? She is obviously trying to find a way to get back in your life. Doesn't take rocket science to figure that out…
When I broke up w/my ex, I told him "I'm done… It's over… Don't show up at my house… Don't call me… Good day… I say, Good Day. *click*" If your not my kids father, I have no reason to talk to you unless I want some good D. I'm not the desperate type, so he can just forget about that. My sisters' exs' friend asked her if she can give her ex her email. My sister has a fiance and she's getting married. "Sorry, but no he cannot have my email. Tell him that I wish him well and I hope he has a good life." Why can't everyone be smart like that? Theres a reason why their called, "The ex."
when i first broke up with 'the ex' i still used to do lot of things for her and vice versa. we started off as really close friends so it was easy to remain friends after our relationship ended. after i got into another relationship, my current at the time didn't like the fact that i even had contact with her. well i don't even speak to that ex anymore so…..
we are still cool but i don't think that i would be doing "things" for her anymore. lol.
I still communicate with a couple ex's occasionally, but I def wouldn't go out of my way to do anything for them…particularly if I have a boobookins.
I don't call on my exes to help me with anything. I usually keep them as friends but when I break up with a guy and it was very emotional I tend to make myself scarce.
Now if the next dude I date told me that he ran errands for his ex, I'd cut him. I have no patience and it just feels too weird. It's ok if you are friends but that's just too damn friendly. Call me paranoid, but I'm so sincerely against putting up with BS that I'd just ditch him at the gate if I felt that I couldn't trust him.
I'm in this situation right now. I'm not getting get the "GOOD GOOD" but I'm still helping her with things everyday; she doesn't have a vehicle right now and she has children who don't have reliable fathers (the usual). I still care for her and the kids that's y I do it, we had something deep it was just bad timing.
My exes and "The Ex" would be lucky if I gave them the toilet tissue I used to wipe my ass so they could wipe their nose.
I no-sign this post, well, I can amend and say I cosign if its once in a blue moon. All the time? nope! I mean my know better than to ask me for favors. Like, really? lolol.
And this will be problematic if you have another GF. She wont stand for that, so you may end up lying about it, and then you have a problem Houston!
Ok, they are ex's for a reason. I am dealing with this shit RIGHT NOW. He talks to her, gives her advice on shit. They speak everyday. However, I must point out, I AM NOT his girlfriend. So my demands are limited. But he sees nothing wrong with this shit. In his mind, she has NO bearing on our dating relationship.
And she knows that he is dating someone else, and to the point where she knows we went on vacation together just for Memorial day.
I wish he were more like you Streetz, and just completely wiped her out of his life.
Sounds like we've reached some kind of group consensus:
Favors are ok if:
- both of you are single
- there may be the chance of booty
- you feel like it
- you are in a unique position to provide it (e.g. job reference or contact)
Favors are NOT ok if:
- you have a significant other
- it's not crucial (and dogs are not crucial unless they're of the seeing eye variety)
- you just don't feel like it.
I say this with love, bruh – do YOURSELF a favor and stop helping this broad. She may be great, but she's also a user.
Unless you're getting p*ssy, don't do sh*t. Like Streetz said, problematic mayne.
@ Anna – I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE NECK LEFT. (Pause) You really went in on the dog.
@ Streetz – LMFAO. Toilet tissue…
@ All – We all know this is problematic. But we talking about real talk… here. Like really for real, I didn't even bring up sex. Don't front, you know when you ain't with nobody knew, (and sometimes when you are), you go back to that ex for some ass. At least hang a couple pictures when you doing it.
@ Dr. J: I wouldn't say it if I didn't care. I'm like your favorite liquor – burns at first but I'll have you feeling right in a matter of minutes, lol!
Uhh… that sounds like a reverse STD. jkjkjkjk.
Ahh… The Ex.
I personally, am an individual who isn't into burning bridges.
On the other time, I have completely torched a few of my relationships to the point where the bridge was nowhere in sight, and that irks me from time to time, so I send out "feelers" to see if I can get communication going "just in case."
Sort of selfish motives, yes I know.
Well that is the "usual" me, but as of lately I have been attacked numerous times by the "nugget," while attempting to move on completely.
I have an ex who did NOT appreciate me that much while we were together, who all of a sudden had an epiphany that I am her superhero, and she calls my mom up to this very day.
She constantly gets upset at me when I DON'T do things for her, as if we were together (…and that's the type of people I hate ayy).
I feel that, unless I cause these disappointments, or I just say NO altogether…she will believe that we are walking down a road with potential to get back together.
I do this because, if you were connected to someone at the hip, would you rather have them cut off with a sharp sword, or a butter knife?
When it comes to favors, I just say no.
Streetz, you are a bastard. I would give her the tissue.
It definitely happens. I've tried to be friends with an ex before and asked him for favors (helping me move type of thing), but once you're with somebody else it has to stop eventually. My current guy is very secure in our relationship and trusts me, plus I never acted shady about it so it didn't bother him. I didn't cut my ex out of my life until recently when he tried the hell out of me. But if he hadn't it probably would have continued until one of us graduated from college.
Ex is an ex for a reason and if my honey is still "doing things" for his ex, he will my ex real soon! *and folks wonder why relationships don't work, geez*
@Anna:
"As men, when you fall in love your balls belong to us. Can’t move on if they’re still on the ex’s trophy case for occassional admiration. *shots fired*"
ROTFLMAO…but nah, really you just think our balls belong to you.
@Anna:
But….I fully agree that CROSSING STATE LINES FOR A FUCKIN DOG!? = ULTRA SIMPIN' ASS BITCH!!
*buckshot n' mortars biatch!!*
Get it together SBM
lol. Does GFIDHSW = Good Friend I Don't Have Sex With?
The relationship I currently have with "the" ex could be considered somewhat inappropriate. Not because of favours, though. It has more to do with our interactions.
IWe do our best to respect his current relationship, but we're closer now than when we were together. He's one of the few people I actually care about and maintain semi-consistent communication with, and sometimes we toe that fine line. He's first & foremost my homie though, so I'm not looking to break his partnership.I rarely ask people for help/favours, exes or no.