So I know I said, that I hate when men are infatuated with somebody else’s girl, but the strangest thing happened to me recently and I had to break my own rule. I had good reason to… here’s how the story went and then i’m going to break it down to you.
So me and my partner went to a BBQ this weekend, it was an intimate gathering of friends and family. Nothing big or serious. We were all sitting out, drinking and sharing good conversation. This guy comes up to the BBQ with a shorty who appears to be his girlfriend, but i’m not sure. The first thing I noticed about her was that she was A) Red Bone, B) Long Hair, C) She was wearing yellow (i’ll come back to this later), and D) She had freckles (freckles and dimples and you can wrap the Doc up). So I asked a young lady that was there, was that her boyfriend? And she replied, I know him, but I don’t know her, so I guess so. So a few minutes after arriving to the BBQ, her boyfriend decides to play a card game. And so he kind of let her be by herself by the pool. So she joined the conversation that was going on. Now if I give her stats, i’m going to get caught and be outed for the scoundrel I am. However, let’s just say, on a scale of 1-10, she’s a certified 20. So… as there were lulls in the conversation I would strike up conversation with her to keep her engaged. Because I felt a certain way about the fact that homie brought shorty here and then just left her with a group of people who all knew each other for mad long, she just was kind of left out. At a certain point, one of my homegirls gives me this look when she noticed that I was having a private conversation with her. (I replied, with a sinister smile.) So after a few more sharp looks, I tell my partner to set a hard screen on my homegirl so I could close on this house.
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JcORfJ46NM]
And he did as requested, and I said, “We should stay in touch.” And she gave me this look like, “You’re really bold aren’t you?” And at the same time, I waved my hand and said, “He’s not paying attention to you anyway.” And she smiled and we exchanged information.
What is the takeaway from this? You don’t leave your S550 parked in the hood with the doors unlocked. I mean, for me, I saw something that I was like this is not indicative that this is going anywhere anyway. (Maybe, I had been listening to Boyfriend #2, over and over and over again.) I saw something that I was like, if that was me, I would have never let it out my sight. I thought about the potential for success and I made a move. You don’t leave your valuables unattended. And when I say this guy was literally fifteen feet away when this all happened, he was within earshot, if he had been paying attention. Moreover, note that this girl was clued into the fact that he wasn’t paying attention because she played a part in it too. I thought about what that meant, but then again I thought about that we do not support Thurman Thomas’ (men who fumble). If you have fumbilitis, that’s your problem, not mine.
So yeah, I probably broke my rule about talking to women with boyfriends. It’s been broken before people… Anyway, Jay come talk to these women for me:
The moral of the story if you love your b*tch
you better – hold your hoe, hug your b*tch
You better – slow your roll, trick some bread
When she wanna go out, you like Craig and ‘em said
“See ya when I see ya,” now she’s callin me up
And I’m like, “Geah, of course I wanna chill”
Now she with the real, and you all fed
Like, “I’ma crack her motherf*ckin fo’head!”
you better – hold your hoe, hug your b*tch
You better – slow your roll, trick some bread
When she wanna go out, you like Craig and ‘em said
“See ya when I see ya,” now she’s callin me up
And I’m like, “Geah, of course I wanna chill”
Now she with the real, and you all fed
Like, “I’ma crack her motherf*ckin fo’head!”
Was I wrong to break my rule? Should I actually engage myself in talking to this girl? I don’t think so, what do you think?
– Dr. J is now accepting walk-in appointments.
If he was really her boyfriend she is shady, but if you like that kind of woman, go for it!
While I will admit that it is a *tad* bit shady, I also must say that dating is all about survival of the fittest. If you can't properly stake out and defend your territory, you lose. Obviously their "relationship" wasn't that solid if she even entertained your offer in the first place…. he was slacking WAY before he got to that BBQ. When I'm happy in a relationship, I im-ME-giatly make it clear that I'm not trying to go that route if a conversation makes a turn in that direction. Or maybe they'd know each other for a week…. who knows. I say don't make it your quest in life to steal other dude's girls, but if she happens to wander into your territory….. hey, it's all fair game.
Good 'ish. All I gotta say Streetz lol
Relationships (all types of degrees of them) are all two-way streets. Like you pointed out: she acknowledged that you were "bold."
But you are right, you don't leave your valuables unattended—at least for not that long. That dude needs to step his multitasking ability up lol. You can't play spades and watch your woman from afar (earshot even)? Then you need to be like come play or watch or something lol.
Everything is fair in the war that is know as dating, any woman any tactic anything you think for even a split seconds may provide you with substance you TAKE it.
seriously, that half ass crap is why men come out so screwed up when they are older. they didnt do everythign they wanted before that.
I must say though, if you do have a "code" you should stick to it though. so in this case NO, a man, and especially a proud black man, should never break that code he has. once you set it, keep it. its what separates you from THEM.
Edit
Marriage is not dating however, since it has lethal and legal consequences.
I think it was a VERY Well Played situation! Kudos to Dr.J it could not have went any smoother. I say go as far as she will let you. If that was her Man Man for real, she would have shut u down.
True story: my mom started dating her high school sweetheart after my dad passed away a few years ago and they went to their old h.s. reunion. They're sitting at a large table, and another dude has been checking my mom out. Finally, he asks my mom's date, "What's the nature of your relationship with Bernedine?" Her date goes, "Uh, we're friends. Good friends" Dude immediately gets up, comes around the table and asks my mom to dance. They've been together ever since.
I think you should call her and see where it goes. Maybe nowhere, maybe a great story for your grandkids.
You were wrong. No matter how you try to justify it. And I agree with AfroDiva – ol' girl is shady. There's a big difference between meeting a dude at a grocery store or something & exchanging information, but when you're in an environment WITH YOUR MAN & where everyone there is likely your man's friend or relative & you're still skinnin' & grinnin' in some random dude's face then you're hella shady. And skanky.
Anna, the situation you described is totally different. You're mom's current man stepped up like a man. He went straight to dude & asked him, "What's up with you & her?" and then took her right in front of him! That's some grown man stuff. If her date said they're "friends" and they were anything more or even had the potential to be anything more, then I would have went with the other guy, too. If I were your mom, I would have been like, "Oh, that's all we are? Then I'm going with dude who's making his interests clear." If you're gonna do it, do it outright, don't be sneaky & shit.
the best indicator of future behavior:
past behavior.
Meaning if she did it to him, she'll do it to you. She'll probably be a really good "friend", but as far as long-term relationship…naaahhh. How you meet is how you split.
Plus that karma. I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.
@OZ – Thats not me homie its Dr J., lol I use Streetz here(and when have you ever heard me refer to myself as Dr J? lol)but thatnks for the comment family!
I mean…… I'm not too mad because women yall know that you get hit on 24/7. If you respect the relationship, saying no to a dude is easy. If thats REALLY her man that shouldnt go down. If that is the case, Dr J all I can say is Dont wife her, because you see the pattern
@ AJ – Nah, you're wrong. how are you going to justify it, if she was NOT WITH HER MAN, but because she WAS WITH HER MAN.
I think the key part of this story boils down to this… Her man was 15 feet away! There's no way something like that happens if the guy isn't a complete noodle. It wouldn't happen to me, it wouldn't happen to most guys who frequent this site. It just wouldn't happen.
I'm going to post my follow-up to this story at 3PM today.
i've seen this type of situation happen time and time again. i've done it myself but i don't think that i would do it anymore.
if that was her boyfriend, then obviously he was lacking in some area for her to exchange numbers with another man right in front of him. also, that might not have been her man. she said dr. j was bold but she never said that was her man. it could have been perceived that way but dr. j never asked. i know i would have and the answer i got would tell me which direction to take the conversation. i know some guys who would fight over stuff like that. i'm not fighting over no chick, especially one that i don't even know. lol.
This is the reason why pretty women like her end up single. A lot of men are too lazy to watch her all the time and guard her against the competitors. Call her but only if you're willing to guard her from other men and keep her happy. Otherwise, let it slide and chalk it up as a point for your ego.
Lol. This is a funny post.
You should find out if that is her man. If that is her boyfriend, then it is wrong. In general, it depends on what you are looking for with her. If it’s just a fling, then it doesn’t matter. However, if you are looking for something that could potentially be more serious, it’s probably not a good idea. She already seems disloyal, so you already know you’re most likely in for no good with her.
This one is a fine line. My opinion is that talking to a girl with a boyfriend should be avoided. BUT at the end of the day, the commitment (or lack thereof) is between the two of them. You're not obligated to do or not do anything. The two of them are. I personally don't do it because I don't like the karma involved. As for your story. I say call her and do anything she'll let you…except wife her.
"don't leave your girl 'round me" -Usher.
this has never happened to me, but I'm not gonna hate on it. If a guy came at me like that and dude I was with was not really "cuffing" me right—AND he's not my man. I probably wouldve exchanged information too.
My stance on monogamy is a little jaded these days, so I'm goind to say this…and take from it what you will:
Even if that was her boyfriend and she was still with you trying to get at her, that's HER problem and not yours.
Do what it do homie. Just make sure it stays her problem, feel me?
Normally I'd advocate this type of behavior…except for one finite detail.
"And at the same time, I waved my hand and said, “He’s not paying attention to you anyway.” And she smiled and we exchanged information."
As an egotistical bastard and cocksman extradinaire, I usually advise young gents in this situation to stay away from throwing the other under the bus. It should have been an unspoken that he's not paying attention. She knows, after all she spent all that time pool side with you. At this point it should be all about you. You, you, you. You can't throw salt in another man's game…that's original G code. I've had to put hands on cats for similar behavior. Cuz now you gotta think about it…does she want you for you, or want to teach this dude a lesson. At this point, she could find any negro in the world for that task. No ego expansion is granted for being a pawn in her game. However, if she shows up w/ one dude and sees you as an upgrade then it's a go. All that being said, to alleviate yourself from an accusations of being grimy, you should have let her initiate the "stay in touch". If she asks for your number, then all the grime falls on her and a good hebrew lawyer could show that you have plausible deniability. There's rules to this sh*t.
LexSteele – "Cuz now you gotta think about it…does she want you for you, or want to teach this dude a lesson. At this point, she could find any negro in the world for that task. No ego expansion is granted for being a pawn in her game."
Great point!!
@RCLS – But… I threw no shade on that man. I basically stated facts as facts. Throwing him under the bus would be outing him for the noodle he was. I just said, he's not paying attention, which he wasn't. Anything in plain sight is assumed to have been discovered anyway whether there was foul play or not. (I watch enough Law & Order, lol.)
So I asked a young lady that was there, was that her boyfriend? And she replied, I know him
Green light. If she replied with anything other than "that's my man", you should have a clear conscious.
13. Remi
June 18, 2009 at 10:51 am
Lol. This is a funny post.
You should find out if that is her man.
^^
100% No-Sign. I see a dime in the club, at a bb, on the street, and she came there with a dude who doesnt seem interested, i assume thats her gay friend, her brother, or some sucka nikka she got to driver her there. Unless she tells me otherwise.
I got a blog for that too! lmao
@ Streetz – That's why I always throw a chain with a big J on it around the wifey's neck.
So if it was already discovered, why state the obvious?
In conclusion, to answer a key question first. Yes, that was her boyfriend. However, she was going away for school and the relationship was rocky if best for being able to withstand a long distance arrangement.
What did I do? I actually talked to her on the phone a few times, and told her I would get up with her if I was in town. I admitted that I felt a bit awkward after realizing what I had done. But to be honest, very few of us, ever completely dead our current situation before we line up the next option, so I could see her perspective. She's a really nice girl, she's got a lot going for her, any of the shade that was thrown on her by readers today, trust me, if you knew her and the situation, you'd be like enn… OK. And be honest, you got some girlfriends who do worse!
This post is too funny! First point – if she was in a legit relationship, she wouldn't have entertained your advance. Now if she had said something to the effect of "I got a man" and you said "What ya man gotta do with me" then that would be a problem. But eeeeeaaassssyyy, slow your roll, there are lots more fish in the sea. Just goes to show and exemplify my firm belief that A LOT of guys do not care if a girl is in a relationship or not. So sad, but so true.
"..let’s just say, on a scale of 1-10, she’s a certified 20."
ol' Usher-soundin' ass!
Holding yourself off, as a single man, because a guy MAY be with a girl is a quick trip to chastity. Often guys will lie, or sometimes we'll see a dude and a girl together and just assume 'naturally' they are together when they are not.
I think it's up to the woman to regulate–if she's cheating it's her fault not yours.
That is shady, but I agree with AB it was definitely the girls fault. Either the other dude is a simp and lets her wild out, or she was just a bird and he didn't really care. Most, note I said most, self-respecting men would have deaded her talking to you like that in a minute. Forgive my language but Jay might be able to break it down better than me about this girl.
Sisters will tell you quick you better check your homie
Bitches don't give a fuck they want a check for your homie
DO NOT WIFE THIS WOMAN
I don't like the rhetoric of "watch[ing] your girl homie," as if a guy has to in a somewhat-violent way, "check" another dude. Women aren't property, they are people who have their own brains.
For me, it isn't wrong for a dude to talk to a girl if there's a chance (even if its 100%) that she's with another dude. Men pursue, it's up to women to choose (and this part is going to be controversial) and be *held responsible* for those choices.
This idea of "watching your girl" treats her as if she is nothing but a pet. Black women can't have it both ways–on one end wanting to be treated as equals, but then be treated as children, ones who need to be protected via the "checking" of other men. That said..
Any woman who needs such monitoring has deeper mental problems such as a lack of integrity, whether or not you, Dr. J., approached her.
@ RightCoastLexSteele, Made Man
You couldn't have said it any better! Alot of men and women think one-sided in a situation, especially like this one…like you said, there are rules sh*t.
One of my reservations with situations like this is that this kind of beginning could result in some trust issues somewhere down the line, or even relatively early on. Whether or not the relationship is going strong, the fact remains that they are in one, and I do my best to respect others' unions even when they forget themselves.
Although you're probably right about most people having something else lined up before they finally move on, the knowledge that you got with someone while they were in something could come back to haunt you. Personally, I don't see anything inherently wrong with him off playing cards while she was elsewhere. I don't feel the need to keep my eye on a significant other, nor should he feel the need to keep his on me. I probably wouldn't have wanted to watch him play cards, and he would know that I can take care of myself. I'm definitely not going to judge her because I can't say I'd never find myself in that situation, but as the single person, I'd be cautious when faced with it. What happens when you're not on the best of terms and can't be with her 24/7?