****** Admin Note ******
I am glad to announce the return of our last female guest writer … Lisa Marie. Enjoy.
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Within male/female relationships, there tends to be a lot of communication problems…women say “I want to talk about our long term future together” men hear “Warning: Death Con 5! Abort Mission!”…. men say “I want to do it to you all night long” women hear “I love you”… women say “Can we explore our feelings?, men hear “I want you to feel my breasts”….and the list goes on and on.
Most of the communication issues which befall us are caused by the fact that men are simple minded fools think simply and communicate off this mindset, while women tend to think emotionally based upon their feelings and thus communicate accordingly. In addition, men, in their simple mindedness tend to communicate based upon and through actions more than words, while women tend to do the opposite. This disparity in communication methods often leads to miscommunication which has a tendency to leave a man cussed out, a woman confused, and 2 lonely hearts who, instead of being together enjoying one another’s company, are busy searching Steve Harvey’s book for answers wondering what went wrong.
Case in point, the 3rd date with my current SO, while still in the “discovery” phase, which, as you know, comes immediately before either the “dammit n*gga, can we make it official?” or the “m’fer lose my number” phase, I invited him over to watch a movie on a Friday night. Since it was Friday, and we both had to work that day and errands to run and what not, we scheduled our rendezvous for pretty late, via the following conversation:
Monday before 3rd date with SO:
Me: Hey, want to come over on Friday night at 11:30 to watch a movie with me?
SO: Sure, I’ll bring the wine.
Me: Cool, bring ur tongue too see you then!
SO: Cool.
Fast forward to date night:
Me: Dang, that was a great movie, so funny.
SO: It was alright…i couldn’t really concentrate cuz I was thinking how you would look bent over dang, it’s like 2 in the morning…I know you like sleeping on the couch, but can we sleep in the bed tonight?
Me: Excuse me?! Who the hell told you that you were staying over?! Who do you think you’re dealing with? Get the f* out!…leave the wine!
Ok … so I didn’t actually say that, but I did think it for a split second…until I realized that “Damn….maybe my actions and these short shorts have led him to believe that I want to get some him to stay over.” Although I didn’t come right out and physically say it, my actions indicated it, and he reached a simple conclusion based on them. Conversely, my initial response was purely based on emotion and was solicited by how his assumption that he could stay over made me feel like he thought I was a cheap ho.
Were I a more hot tempered woman, instead of ending the night sitting on his face lying in his arms, I may have ended it by slamming my door in his face for being so bold as to assume an automatic overnight invite. Instead, because I took a second to think about the situation before jumping to the all too popular “he’s a dog” conclusion, I was able to see his point of view. This pause to contemplate, which I like to refer to as the “Stop; Think about it” approach is what I have found to be the best way to avoid communication confusion.
For example, Nikki may wonder if her boyfriend Ty still loves her cuz she hasn’t heard him say the words in a while. However, if she were to Stop and Think about how he strokes her hair and holds her tight as they fall asleep and reserves his Friday nights just for her, she would realize that he shows his love through his actions and she needn’t worry about his affection for her. On the flip side, Ty may be unsure of Nikki’s feelings based on the fact that she hasn’t let him hit it in 2 weeks her recently reduced libido. However, if he would calm his horny ass down were to Stop and Think on how she texts him every day they’re not together to tell him that she misses him and loves him, his fears would be put to rest…or at least calmed down cuz he still gotta figure out why she doesn’t want the bidness…
Through use of this approach, when issues arise, Nikki and Ty would be able to take the time to consider how each other communicates before jumping to conclusions and/or catching hurt feelings. After stopping and thinking, they’ll be able to consider the larger picture of their SO’s actions, feelings, emotions, and all that and hopefully be able to more effectively communicate…works for me about 9 times outta 10…what about y’all? Have you tried the Stop and Think method? Does it work for you? Have you tried any other methods? What works in your life? Share!
- Lisa Marie
Fantastic post! I'm going to start employing the Stop and Think about it method a whole lot more!
this post is on point.
This post is so on-point. While i'd have to say that I have to tell more women on a regular basis to calm down and stop jumping to conclusions, both sexes are guilty of doing this. A lot of the problem is that when feelings are involved we get wrapped up in them quickly and become overanalytical. We make assumptions. I am notorious for being clear with prospects to tell them, don't assume how I feel or what I mean, if you do not know, ask.
Good post, welcome.
Ambiguity is a beast in relationships where communication isn't exactly the best. People have different communication styles and what seems obvious to one def may not seem obvious to the other.
stop…think about it= what's my lover's communication style?
Good Post. I feel inspired to write some hotness.lol.
The Stop and Think method doesn't work all the time. Well, for me it don't. It should be called Stop Thinking.
Men are the kings of misleading. Going out to dinner really means I want to take you home and get you in bed. Your my future wifey really means I'm never letting your p*ssy *cough cough* I mean, you go. Let's hang out is really a long stall before getting in the pants. Being lead on ruins my mood. Instead of going home happy, I'm left wondering, "Wow, did he really just do/say that to get the goods?" *Sigh*
After a few phone calls before jumping into the date scene, I ask him what he's looking for. "What do you mean?" You know what I mean. It's my job to play innocent. Are you looking to be in a relationship; your just casually dating or you trying to get a hit?
@Slim: glad to have inspired you. I’m inspired myself by your response, it made me remember that there’s a book called the 5 love languages or something like that…I think it’s about the 5 most common ways that people communicate in relationships and how to interpret and adjust to your partner's (no homo) style…think imma make that my next “self improvement” read…should be interesting.
You women do a lot of OVER thinking in my opinion, but hey…that's you.
@Stephanie: true, men do mislead a lot, but those are usually the bad dudes…all in all I’ve found that if you ask a man straight up what’s going on, what he wants, etc., he’ll be straight up with u if he’s a straight up dude. If not, he’ll lie to you and you can tell he’s lying, at which point you leave and head to the next dude.
It ain't about that…you know what kinda message you are sending to a dude if you call him at like 11 p.m. to come over to your house. If I get a call tonight from a young lady that late I'm gonna assume she tryin' to get down…she know I gotta be up for work at 5:50 a.m. and chances are I'm in the bed watching TV/on the computer. It would be inconsiderate for her to call me that late to come over there to watch the news with her…Anderson Cooper goes off at 11 p.m. anyway and I don't like watching Larry King old ass.
If we are out on a date and I come to drop you off but you still wanna chill…then that's a different scenario. Cause' if you feelin' the date that much to wanna keep kickin' it that means I'm probably enjoying the date too and I wouldn't have no problem going to the crib and playin' Scrabble or the Wii or somethin' fun like that
So wait, the Act A Damn Fool isn't the go to method of communication?? Just kidding. This was a wonderful post.
Post is on point…
Great Post!
Overthinking can eb a killer though, but i wish more woman would look towards amans actions to see how he feels in EITHER regard. Words dont mean shyte in the grander scheme of things. better yet:
Actions > words > silence
Really … I think this post just helps show that men think in a logical manner … and women are all just crazy.
Thank you Lisa Marie for pointing that out.
@SBM: Lol, umm…really didn’t say all that… “men think in a logical manner” is a stretch; I purposefully avoided the use of the word “logical” cuz although men usually think simply, it’s not always logical. For instance, sometimes men who have a good woman will think “I want more pussy, I’ll go get some,” and then go and get it, not thinking of the logical consequences like his woman finding out and leaving him.
to your “women are all just crazy” comment…at the risk of betraying my gender…gotta admit that’s not too far from the truth…I’m not gonna say all women, but “most” is pretty accurate…I’d say 55% of women are crazy 50% of the time…the other 45% are crazy too, but just 25% of the time…blame it on the estrogen.
Well if Lisa Marie is dealing with these kinds of men it says way more about what she finds interesting in men. What she saw in this man I or none of us will ever know. With that said HE (and the men she may have dated) not any man on this blog is the simple minded fool.
Women IMO are manipulators, some of yall know raunchy sexually suggested songs that if ur mom n close Fam knew (not to mention the dance which is phucking wit clothes on)you LOVED they'd be appalled but yall know if grandma ask if her grandaughter is down wit such foolishness yall lie to save face. As I have said about statements like this you can critique it so hard cuz simple minded men must be whom you(LM) is drawn to. I don't bitch about silly airhead club divas cuz I avoid em!