Home Dating & Relationships Men's Relationship Advice Either she’s the one or I’m caught in the Matrix

Either she’s the one or I’m caught in the Matrix

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What’s good SBM community. I get emails at my other locations all the time about sex, lies, and videotape different topics and personal questions they want me to address. I thought for this week, since I’ve had writers block for a month I’d share with the community an email that came across my desk screen. This issue relates to a topic that men loathe discuss never at times: feelings UGH:

“Whats up Streetz,

I had a quick question and hope you can help me out. I’ve been talking to this chick for a minute and sh*ts been going well, but then she did a few grimy things to me (steppin out with dudes, lying about little things, acting childish) that left me like wtf! I’m no angel, but I didn’t deserve that. She told me that she cared about me deeply and I lowkey think she was thinking love too, but how do I believe those feelings are real? For someone who can do all this sh*t and more that I won’t speak on, can those feelings really be true? I don’t know dude…. I’m sketchy about it. If you can just answer this for me I’d appreciate it. You can post this too, just not with my name, lol.

Good Looks,

Young I”

Young I, I dig what you just mentioned. This paradox consumes us all when trying to protect our hearts and feelings from those who don’t genuinely feel what they say they feel. There’s one way to distinguish whose real and whose fake: That’s the type of people I hate. AYE.AYE!

Actions vs. Words

This is the biggest determination of real feelings. I wouldn’t say I won’t hurt someone and punch them in the face 5 minutes later. You have to look at an entire body of work to determine if those feelings are genuine. Can you count on them when the chips are down?  Have they ridiculed you about not caring as much and then did the opposite when the shoe is on the other foot? These actions can show that the person does care about you and their feelings are real.



Here’s the part where I f*ck your head up: Many people can do all these things correctly and still NOT care as much as they say. Some people can partition their emotions to distinguish between “How I feel about him/her” and “what’s best for me”. Rationalizations, generalizations, and assessments of their situations go on in their head daily. They can justify their actions as being mutually exclusive to their true feelings. It’s bugged out, but true.

I believe this is possible. It’s not that they don’t care or that they’re lyin. They decided that whatever gamble they took with those egregious acts was worth upsetting you and jeopardizing your relationship. They would “cross that bridge when they came to it”. We all have done this to different degrees, but depending on the actual act (ex. cheating vs. the little white lie) and the person, that gamble may prove to be a bad bet.

Also understand that while the actions may be >= the words, you still have the right to consider those feelings false. You never understand the phrase “if you cared about me you wouldn’t do XYZ” unless you’re in that position or see it for yourself. Then when you start piecing together other situations and acts, you may not believe ANYTHING the person ever said, and it may not end up well for your shorty.

I wonder, if you know what it means am I caught in the Matrix? Let’s just say every time I think Zion is safe, I open the door and the Architect gives me a long winded speech. The Matrix then reloads and we do it all again. Red or blue pill, you live and you learn.

In closing, take the entire body of work, analyze all previous situations with the individual, and make that assessment and act accordingly.

SBM community do you agree? Can feelings be faked? Do actions not equate to the actual feelings someone has for you?

Is that REAL air you’re breathing now?

Jeff J. Streetz is the Social Media Director & weekly contributor for SBM. He writes on the net a lot. He's a cool dude with a cool perspective on life. He also hates writing in the 3rd person!!! Check out his latest E-book, Fly on the Wall at http://streetztalk.net/FOTW
  • smoove gp

    Yes feelings can be faked, actions or words do not always equate to true feelings, and yes, this air I'm breathing is real haha. People can change their minds in a split second several times over when it comes to this shit. I don't believe that there's "the one". Too many people on Erf for that short-sighted bullshit.

    Sometimes I feel like it's better to just say "fuck it" than blow time and money on searchin' for love. More free time and $$$ in my bank account, less stress on my brain.

    YEAGH! YEAGH!

  • Mikki

    I am a clear cut kinda girl and i dont buy into the bs about you loving me yet you continue to cheat or do whatever that hurts me. People make mistakes true but there are those who just are not mature enough to be in a relationship, but when u let a big but and a smile cloud your judgement u are in for trouble.

    My advice is to bounce young i is being played and this is how men end up treating the woman that actually do show and prove like crap because of some crazy ex.

    Its like me saying i care about my job yet im late every day, play online 7 out of 8 hours, talk back to my boss ect… No i dont care about my job i care about a check!!!

    Dont let people use the word i love u as an excuse to be dumped on, in short… Get your dick out of the clouds!

  • Smiley Face

    Define El Oh Vee Ee…

    I don't know if I want to say feelings can be faked or if I want to say actions that you think should go along with that feeling can be faked. I can hate you and you'd never know or I can love you and you'd never know..does that mean what I'm feeling for you is fake or the action behind that feeling is fake?

    You have to define your perception of love…if your description is flowers card and candy, love songs and moonlight strolls, I can give you that….but do I love you? You would say yes if this is what your perception of love is. So according to you I love you but do I really and how would you know?

  • Streetz, you did this dude a tremendous favor. Most people would have told this dude to either drop her or wait it out. You challenged him to analyze the relationship instead of accepting the face value of everything.

    I do think that feelings are easily faked in many relationships but we should not be keeping score when it comes to who's doing what for whom. If you feel like the person isn't doing enough to show you how they feel, then you need to find someone who will.

    H. Charles

  • Nicole

    I agree with Charles. If she's not doing as much as you in the relationship, then drop her.

    It seems like both Young I and his girl aren't on the same page. He's feeling more into her than she is to him. No one can make another person love them. So, he should find someone else who would be on the same page and appreciate him.

  • What's really funny about this post is that i'm really good at having good actions and faking feelings. Like it's so many times that because of my actions chick's think i'm feeling them and in reality i'm not.

    I don't know.

    I can't really comment on this subject without getting too personal.

  • ***Some people can partition their emotions to distinguish between “How I feel about him/her” and “what’s best for me”.***

    Now that's the truth if I ever heard it. Having once been in a similar situation myself I think you gave him the right advice. I would add that just because a person loves you, doesn't mean they love you the way you need to be loved. In other words, this girl's feelings may be real but if she can't consistently show it, he has to decide whether or not he can deal with it.

  • Girl Politik

    Sounds like your girl is keeping her options open. But wait, I didn't hear you say that she was "your girl" or "your lady" or "your woman". And maybe that's the problem. If you like her and have feelings for her, you should make it know that you want to be in an exclusive relationship. If you are still is that "talking" phase then I'm not sure why you would expect her to date you exclusively. I may be true that she does have really strong feeling for you, but like many girls, she may be waiting for you to take it to the next level.

    It seems like you have strong feelings for her as well but at some point you need to make the decision as to whether you are going to take the chance and connect with someone who might be great or let a good thing go by because you have a few qualms. The issues you mentioned don't seem like deal-breakers. Don't be skeerrd! Take a chance!

  • Hopeless Romantic

    Well I can def say that sometimes actions don’t add up to the words and the words sometimes do not add up to the actions. I feel that you have to look at the whole person and the whole relationship. I mean you can’t just think of the good times. If you feel you can get over the stuff a person has put you threw then okay move on in the relationship but if not move on to the next. Also if the person deiced to step out on you then do they really hold the relationship that high?an

  • Wavvvy Romantic

    I would like to start by saying…
    It always sucks, but one person is always more invested in the relationship than the other. And once this person realizes and begins to feel more invested, their idea of the relationship will forever be jaded. They will begin to feel unappreciated and that emotion will start to weigh down on the relationship.
    Now the question is whether or not this feeling is justified and/or can you deal with being that person?
    I've always been a fan of show and prove. Words are easily faked and anyone can say I love you. Actions can be faked as well, but if a person goes out of their way time after time and for an extended amount of time to fake actions, they're just an evil mf'er.
    Go with your gut!
    The heart never lies, we just choose to ignore it sometimes.
    There were 2 comments that I liked and had to quote:

    H. Charles
    July 15, 2009 at 9:14 am

    I do think that feelings are easily faked in many relationships but we should not be keeping score when it comes to who’s doing what for whom. If you feel like the person isn’t doing enough to show you how they feel, then you need to find someone who will.

    BrownBelle
    July 15, 2009 at 11:20 am
    ***Some people can partition their emotions to distinguish between “How I feel about him/her” and “what’s best for me”.***

    Now that’s the truth if I ever heard it. Having once been in a similar situation myself I think you gave him the right advice. I would add that just because a person loves you, doesn’t mean they love you the way you need to be loved. In other words, this girl’s feelings may be real but if she can’t consistently show it, he has to decide whether or not he can deal with it.

  • mizcynic

    i was in a relationship where i did not really love the guy but i was dutiful and i did all tht was expected of a girlfriend, was always there for him,never cheated, respected him, yet he could sense i was not in love with him….so we need to be honest with ourselves….would we rather the dutiful,showy wifey who doesnt love us but remains dutiful…..or someone who loves us but sometimes slips up in showing their true emotions…..