Today’s post is a co-effort between the light-skinned standout, Slim Jackson, and the original angry blogger, SBM. Some of you may be shouting “Double Standard!” at the end of this post, but for today…we don’t care.
Slim: You know what SBM? No matter how many posts I read or conversations I have with women, I just still can’t get used to something.
SBM: What do you mean my gold boot wearing comrade?
Slim: There’s sumthin’ that gets me about women dismissing questionable and usually s*xual behavior under the guise of “I’m doin’ me!” I know tooooo many women that have went through stretches where they racked up the s*xual numbers, whopped down a few average joe’s, played dudes, manipulated simps, and a variety of other ehhh…unacceptable (for lack of a better word) behavior. Some chicks really take this “think like a dude” mentality way too far (No Steve Harvey).
SBM: Yeah Slim … I hear this all the time. “So what if I smashed 2 dudes yesterday … and slobbed down #2′s brother for bringing me some orange juice. ‘I’m just doin me’”. I know the world is filled with Double Standards, I know life ain’t always fair, I know Soulja Boy should be banned from the airwaves, but can someone tell me how “doin me” makes slutactical activity suddenly OK?
Slim: It doesn’t make it OK at all…unless it’s a chick that I (in a past life) or one of my boys was lookin’ to thronx down or reach a climax with then keep it movin’ in the search for his real wife. In an era where people are becomin’ increasingly liberal and women are increasingly independent and going against the grain of traditional standards, it would only seem right that sexual liberation and independence would continue to flourish. However, I cannot and will not accept this “I’m doin’ me” mentality as a legitimate excuse to bog down your resume with short term assignments and well-known and despised employers (i.e. Philip Morris or Phil Morris, the Black guy that no Black guy likes). Shenanigans I say! Shenanigans!
SBM: Now Slim, we don’t want those career slores to give up there jobs. Its a recession and those girls “having fun” and giving up the pum pum freely after one patron shot are helping to curb nationwide depression. But … I’m a full fan of owning up to your sh*t. Lets call a spade a spade. Miss block-head, you’re not doing you … your doing him … and his man … and his cousin … and his niece and friend in a little 3some action. I have had a few man-whorish situations myself, I’m not perfect. I wasn’t “doin me” though … I was f*cking with reckless abandonment and loving it when I probably shouldn’t have. I’ll respect a good girl who slipped and admits it, more than a scuttle butt who was just “playing the game”, or “dating like a man” (which is bullsh*t since I’m a man and am kind of good), or “doing me”. B* … your in denial!
Slim: Denial is a b*tch in itself. I also think a lot of chicks really wanna feel that they’re in control of their lives so they go the extra mile to get the extra D. You can be under control and out of control simultaneously. I don’t think a lot of the women/girls that use this “I’m doin’ me” excuse know it. Or, maybe they do and they just don’t care. Maybe it’s a matter of overcompensation, and we know that overcompensation usually means insecurity. Uh oh…not that word again.
SBM: When Slim is on … that reggin (backwards) is on (pause)! I think insecure is the best word for it. Your not secure in yourself enough to admit that your actions are less than lady like. You think “I’m doin me” is some type of save-a-ho phrase that allows you to stack Wilt Chamberlin type numbers (20K according to him) and still call yourself a lady. Well … that SBM & Slim tag-team (pseudo pause) is here to tell you no. Can we kill “I’m doin me” right along with swagger?
Slim: Really though SBM? Reggin with an -er? At least let me get the -a? Pause. But yeah, this phrase needs to be deaded in this context. The drug dealer doin’ a 20 year bid was following the “I’m doin’ me” mentality and we see where that got him. Don’t be him ladies, especially in the sheets, on the hood of a car, in the back seat or in a loft somewhere. You ain’t doin’ you. You’re doin’ him…and him…and him. Perspective is everything.
So for today, we’re ready to face dissent and outrage. We’re also ready for a few co-signs.lol. So what does everybody else think of this “I’m doin’ me” mentality? Is it BS, or is it the truth? Double Standard City? We shouldn’t judge, but for today…we will.
We don’t do us. We do you (women),
Slim Jackson & SBM
It's a double standard, but it rings true…and always will. Is it fair men can decide to "*#!@ every girl in the world" until they've had their fill (ha) and are tired of man-whoring, but women with the same mentality get labeled loose? Not at all, but we must remember society still places women on a pedestal and expects us to shy away from the (occasional) lewd behavior of our male counterparts (which is funny, because if there weren't so many ladies doing "them" who would you boys play with while searching for your wives
?). It's deemed acceptable for men to think with their nether regions because, sometimes they really do. We're expected to have more control and be more cautious who we let enter our bodies. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it is what it is.
At the end of the day, no one wants the gal who let him, him and him run all up and through her love tunnel…not a good look.
Does that mean women don't have their fun? Not at all. The friends I have who married early (22, 23) were the wiiiiiiiiildest girls I knew in HS and college. But I bet their husbands believe they can count their number of partners on one hand.
If you're going to "do you" be discreet. Otherwise…cross those legs until a real prospect arrives.
"The friends I have who married early (22, 23) were the wiiiiiiiiildest girls I knew in HS and college. But I bet their husbands believe they can count their number of partners on one hand."
This is every man's worst fear. We have nightmares about being "that guy".lol. Long live the wholesome and honest women who become wives that don't need to bury their past under tons of rocks OR use the excuse of "I was just doin' me".
Slim…this right here:
"This is every man’s worst fear. We have nightmares about being “that guy”.lol. Long live the wholesome and honest women who become wives that don’t need to bury their past under tons of rocks OR use the excuse of “I was just doin’ me”.
…speaks to me more about your level of confidence with your woman than anything else(and since I don't know y'all, take it with a grain of salt). I don't give a care about your previous partners as long as you were careful and respectful of your body (read: protection, testing). You can't compete with anyone's past so why try…?
I look at it like this, you chose me to be your forever woman so whomever came before me wasn't worth your last name so there's no need for me to fight with ghosts. I never understood fighting with someone else's memories.
*sigh* I must be just me *shrugs*
@Smiley Face
Ehh, I don't know about that. It's just the fact that not many men want to be attached to the town whore. If your wifey is an extension of you and you're aiming for the top, why would you want some chick who's spent most of her life being a bottom trick?
Not to mention that if she was with a lot of the homies, I'd be less then motivated to wife her up. All goes back to the age old saying of, "Why buy the cow if everyone on the block got to suck on the tits for free?"
@Smiley
I really think this is where men and women differ. If a man wants a chick with a fairly clean and honest slate, he's insecure or lacks confidence. Correct me if I interpreted that wrong, but I think that logic is bogus. Women, particularly Black, find more than enough reasons to screen men out, so why is it that I can't do the same. I don't think it's asking for much to have a chick who takes accountability for her actions and values her body as more than just a pleasure palace for the run of the mill negro.
I need to back away from the keyboard for a bit.lol.
@Slim: Damn if that aint the truth. I mean … why is our desire to have a not slutorious woman so much worst and insecure than a height or income requirement. F*ck all that … I aint gonna feel bad for it.
To guys unless your wife has actually only been with 1-3 dudes in her lifetime including you. Expect them to lie. As the saying goes. Girls decrease their #'s and guys add to theirs. You won't know anyway. I believe in being exclusive with yours at any rate, but I know the type of chick black men covet now, as they should. The girl with the graduate degree(s), who's stylish and sexy, a class act, and vying for an executive position in her career. Well guess what. Even those girls may have had a wild few years in college or at some point during their 20's. I know A LOT of people who fall into that category. And the ones that are engaged and or soon to be, Trust, their siggy others are toting them around and showing her off, never questioning whether she's a "lady" or not. And they shouldn't because by all means she is the epitome of class..
The difference between a chick that had a wild couple of years and ho is that you'll never know. And neither will your "homies". Perception is the dealio.
I think women shouldnt stop doing them but u dont need to tell the world. Men dont find it cute unless they are tryin to hit. if u are trying to prove u are liberated its pointless because guess what men dont care. So if u wanna sex every dude keep it to yahself nothin like getting married to a man who thinks ur next to the virgin mary lol.
I agree with that. Some girls are so stupid. I know this chick in my school who thinks its so cute to brag about her sexual escapades in public like we're not in college and like everyone isnt having sex! I've literally heard her say loud as hell on the bus to her friend "Who should I call tonight? Should I call [insert guys name here]? Nah, I think my coochie is to used to his dick. *laughs*" Me: *jaw drops to floor*. Lmao I really wanted to walk up to her and tell her that she needs professional and spiritual guidance. But yea, if you're gonna be promiscuous be discreet because its pretty much impossible to lose the hoe label once you get it. if you fucked 100 dudes last year it doesnt matter if you didnt fuck any this year. you've done more than enough to earn you that label for the next 30+ years.
LOL..thanks for the early morning laugh. I can't wait to see how this turns out. I'll check back later…carry on, lol
I really hate the phrase "I'mma do me" in all situations.. it reads that you really don't care about the people around you… and it also makes you come off sounding bitter.
I don't think women should go around bragging about those activities, as neither should men (but I know it can't stop, won't stop like a P.Diddy plug).
At the risk of gettin' lit up by my fellow upstanding Black Men on here, I'm gonna be honest (pause)…
I have always thought that ain't nothin wrong with lovin' sex. Male or female. Why all the lables n' shit? Long as you're smart about who you pick and wrap it up, hey, get all you need ladies n' gents. "We alllll got neeeedss" ya heard? Everybody on Erf don't need to know about it, but I love me a woman who loves her some lovin, cause she's much more likely to know what the hell she's doin in the sack.
End rant, *gunshots*
Who wanna step up to the plate with me and say "Fuck a Label…unless its, 'damn girl! THAT'S THAT NIGGA THAT BE MAKIN WOMEN PASS OUT!!!'" HAHAHA.
(Not a Que, but eat p*ssy like one.)
- Son of an Alpha. (Epsilon Chapter, '70)
..Aight I got my flame retardent on. LET'S GO!!!!
I'm with you smoove gp!! Now while I agree that it is considered questionable for a woman (or anyone for that matter) to go out trolling for sex, it is sooo unfair (and I don't wanna hear that bullshit about how I gotta deal with double standards, you man whores need to shut the hell up with that shit) for a man to judge a woman based on her "number." If you're willing to sleep with her, and she wants it just as badly as you, then who are you to call her a slut/scallywag/bustdown because she chose to let you meet her needs?? Like women are supposed to just be sittin around horny as hell because they're trying to make it past the "whore/good girl" deadline…SMH
Why is it that women think they shouldn't be judged on their number? Its your number aint it? I'm judged on mine too.
I will admit, guys are judged a lot less harshly and a lot less often on theirs, but I know some women who are just as judgmental.
Again, this wasn't about judging or being judged (IMHO), its about owning up to your sh*t.
Hmm.. well like you said women and men aren't judged the same. So let's say you have a girl and guy both 19 years old and they both slept with 1 person. You're gonna look at the girl and think that's fine and then look at the guy and think "what the hell is wrong with him"? Or change that number to 9. It'll be ok for the guy but not the girl.
I feel you, but there's a difference btw loving to drink coke and drinking so much coke til that ish is pouring out of every available cavity on your body. Also, just cuz she sleeps around alot doesnt mean she knows what she's doin. She's probably just laying there for all the dudes she's letting smash.
And please believe, no one eats tha cooch better than a Q. (Except maybe the Lambdas, lol)
Im with you. F a label. Whos to judge someone on their history. Ye who have no sin cast the first stone. lol..i cant say i have slept around. but i do love sex just as much as the next dude. and i wish a nig would be like oh i cant be with you because you've had xyz number of partners. i feel as long as the woman/man doesnt have any disease and a ish load of kids from a from different people. then F a label. Do you.
I so dislike this post, mostly because I think the attitudes expressed in it are examples of the attitudes that keep most women from exploring their sexuality. They dont want to see like a "bad girl" or a "slut/bopper/whatever the new slang is" so they attempt to follow the rules – you know, gotta wait 3 months before humping, lights gotta be off, no head, etc.
As other commenters has mentioned, discretion is key. But if you keep your mouth shut & he's bragging to his frat brothers/teammates/coworkers/whoever then you keeping your mouth shut doesn't matter. I'm sure someone will come back and say "pick a higher caliber dude", which is a good point, but at the end of the day everybody should keep their biz to theirselves, especially when it comes to putting someone else's biz on front street.
"I so dislike this post, mostly because I think the attitudes expressed in it are examples of the attitudes that keep most women from exploring their sexuality."
This is what I meant when I was talking about sexual liberation and the increased need to pursue it. I think that women should do what they want regardless of the attitudes like SBM and myself toward the issue. We just ask that you own up to your ish or don't talk about it all. I hate when people make excuses for their behavior, and this "I'm doin' me" is one that just irks the hell out of us.
If this view point is one that alarms women, then they should find a man who is equally as liberal and understanding of female sexuality as you're probably thinking of it.
I appreciate your comment though. I knew it was coming at some point.lol.
But excuses are the American way! Not to mention, isn't "well there's a double standard" or "I'm a man and you aren't" just an excuse for men to f*ck whoever they want but then demand their wife/gf be damn near a virgin?
Let's all be accountable for our actions.
Agreed! now let's see what the men have to say to that.
There's a huge difference btw exploring your sexuality and exploring a bunch of dude's pants.
@Jubilance: Where are these guys demanding virgins? I mean … I know I don't wan't know scutterbutt … but I've never been known to cut a chic off just cause she slobbed down a couple …
It is a double standard in society. Men are expected (and supported, applauded) to thronx as many women as he can fit in before he decides to settle down, while a woman is expected to keep things tight, and if she doesn't, is labeled as a looseslutwhorehoe. And truthfully, if a woman is not a virgin, some people are going to label her even if she has only had one partner other than her husband.
Personally, I think people should be against the "i'm doin' me" attitude in regards to sex for both men and women. Just as men say they don't want to wife a woman who has done Dallas, a la Debbie, I don't want to marry a man with 5/8ths of Wilt's number. I think it's gross, and it shows a lack of self-respect, irresponsibility, and insecurity in your ability to be the man without being "that man."
And, it's really not safe…HIV is still running the streets, and her cousins Herp, Syph, Clam are still taking names….
Soooo as a woman am I wrong to agree?? I HATE the term "doin me" with a passion. It sounds childish and enormously self indulgent no matter who uses it . Yes yes yes there are double standards and it does suck but come on you really think the best way to break down a barrier is to run around sleeping with the next thing that crosses your path?Sounds ridiculous right?
No there's nothing wrong with enjoying sex and if you wanna put yourself in some kind of race to see how many people you can sleep with before you decide to settle down that completely your business. But when you're the topic of the round table discussion (men talk just as much if not more than women) and the guy you're really feeling doesn't wanna wife you because he cant shake the feeling that being with you feels like he throwing a hot dog down a hallway…don't turn around and say everyone is "hating" and there are no real men out there…no hunny you just slept with them all and they ALL know about it.
So you can "do you" all you want…just be accountable for it too.
I know I'll probably catch hell for this but it is what it is…Have a good day everyone.
No hell from me, Babygurrl. Co-sign!
*STANDING APPLAUSE*
Co-sizzle!
I DEF COSIGN
i think i'll go check the balance in my checking account and then come back later…LOL.
You know, its a double standard, but some double standards are worth considering and keeping around. Just like I don't want my man thinking its OK to cry when he sees that State Farm commercial that has "I'll be there" playing in the background, I also think that its OK for a man to think that a woman's "I'm doing me" attitude shouldn't include her also doing Tom, Dick, Harry and Tyrone as well.
I think for a woman to get in that "I'm doing me" state and think that sex is the way for her to control her life may be a sign of something deeper (pause). True, sometimes we too want to have sex with no strings or feelings. But let's be real. Its more likely than not that a woman who makes this attitude and behavior a habit its likely looking to pump away some past emotional scars, or trying to prevent more from developing.
PREACH.
That is one thing I always hate about the "Double Standard" argument … there are a bunch of Double Standards and those who yell about one seem to be all to happy about the rest.
If we get rid of the slore and slut double standard, then I want my dates paid for, girls to buy me drinks in the club, a chic to win my fights for me, and to get into almost any club or nightlife venue for free or cheap … and don't forget the door being opened for me, someone getting up to give me their seat, and any stranger offering to carry my bags.
Sorry … but Double Standards are just part of life … and the phrase "doin me" isn't going to get rid of it.
i would do all those things except win your fight. I would try my best to help you but im not giong to think or try to beat up some 6'5 dude trying to beat you up..sorry.
ok I read the last line and thought of Electrik Red "We Fuck You". forgive me for my indulgence in horrible yet catchy music at times. LOL.
ok about the topic…I'm pretty over what men think at this point in my life. LOL. seriously. other women too for that matter. Especially men that I have no intention of ever sleeping with. Labels have about as much value as you allow them to have. I agree with what everyone else has said about discretion.
I'm indifferent on "doing me" thing, I think that's a stupid excuse to be sexually liberal, but I have used the term not in relation to sex. eh. "I'm doing me right now" to me and people I know means I'm on my grind, focused on me, not really stuttin' anybody else that will distract me from my goals.
"Doin' me" in the focused and grind sort of way when it doesn't involve illegal activities is okay in my mind. The difference being that it's not used as an excuse for your behavior. You're on your hustle. I can co-sign on your usage for the purpose of today's discussion.
Fellas, a hoe is going to be a hoe. It's not popular for them to call themselves hoes though. So they use that 'doin' me' BS. Only dummies give away for free what they can sell. You see what I'm getting at? It's better to be a whore and make money than be a hoe and well, be a hoe. This is why prostitution should be legal. There are soooo many dumb hoes out there fugging for free that I believe I could manage their dumb asses and become rich!
WoooooooooooooooooW!
yup, at least prostitutes are honest about their behavior.
At least prostitutes walk away with their bills paid or the drugs they need. If I had a dime for every dingy chick who went out of her way to give up the goods, under the guise of doing them, I'd be rich. Most of these women who sleep around all easy like still deeply want the relationship. But they've given up or know they aren't really worth a quarter to any man who is worth a dime. So they think they are taking charge by choosing to put out early and often.
Also, men only think this behavior is cool when it benefits them. I love to ask men, "If it's so cool for a woman to 'do them', then will you be telling your daughters and sisters it's OK to 'do them'?"
Oh, and it's nasty! I don't care how many condoms you use. You still exchange fluids when you kiss and very few people use barriers when providing/receiving oral pleasure.
1 – Yes its a double standard. Whether its "right" or "wrong" depends on the dude trying to wife said woman. I personally would be a lil "concerned" if partners touched a crazy #, but then again I won't ever ask ya dig?
2- Discretion is key. I think women have all the right to be sexually liberal. When your business is on the the corner of Front Street and Slore Blvd, you have no one to blame but yourself, for either blabbin your business or messin with salad ass dudes who speak your business
3- Do you as a phrase should be executed by guillotine. Yall can still do you though.
Let me be the first to say, this will be one of the most read posts ever in history.
Real talk, *organs blaring* *choir hmm'ing i surrender all* *deaconesses and missionaries catching the holy ghost* *sister jackson is shaking the tambourine* *junior is about to turn his life over to God for the 14th time* *sbm and slim receive new 5 feet hankerchiefs* *the church seccretary fills up the water pitcher again* Church, Preach…. Tabernacle!
What does Dr. J say to all his patients, "Life is cumulative baby, you can't take those things back."
That church scene is hilarious. Prolly one of the funniest things I've read.
LOL! Don't forget the wanna be deacon runnin' around layin hands on cats tryin to prove his worth!
Naw, he's had over 400 comments on his posts before and DAILY…it has a long way to go to catch with the number of yesteryear…lol…I still love you SBM!
Comments != Number of times read.
And its well known I prefer 10 comments of useful discussion on the topic, than 10,000 of randomness.
I love the use of the !=, do we have a computer programmer in the house?
Lmao @ J on the chuuuch scene
Point blank, I think that term is bunch of bull. It allows women to not be accountable for their actions. Even the best Cocksmen, ahem, live up to what they've done or not done. I only ask that ladies do the same.
There's no double standard in that.
@streetz
I co-sign killin' "do you" with the guillotine. Take that and swagger and murk them shits lol
I want to go on the record as saying one thing … I'm not saying that every girl has to be super clean, have the utmost and most stringent of selection processes, and that I won't forgive them for a "ho-slip" … but … where is the damn accountability? If you did it … you did it … you had a "ho-flash". This "Doin Me" nonsense is just an excuse to justify going against what your mama taught you!
but yet some chicks will be quick to pull our whore cards…
good thing I can talk due to my chaste and wholesome nature #liesmentell
i think the underlying problem is that people are not discreet. so what if a woman has as many partners as you. if noone knows that but her then there is no need for her to make excuses or say "i'm just doing me". if you want to rack up numbers, then go right ahead. there is no need for anyone to know exactly how many numbers you have racked up. this goes for men and women.
I'd also add that I'm a huge fan of female promiscuity (after all, it gives young dudes a good time when coming up)–however, just as the ladies should be discreet and take accountability that means more than just getting rid of the "I'm doing me" line.
It also means managing the risks and consequences of that past action. i.e. too many sisters think that if they get a lot of baby daddies, herpes and other STI's etc, that they
should be on an equal footing with all the other ladies when they wanna be wifed up.
I've seen too many fine sisters with a baby in tow at like 19 or 20–and that usually means GAME OVER. Ladies, if you want to keep your options open, learn some family planning and contraception if for no other reason than health.
But I can't stand when the ladies themselves get knocked up by Tyrone and the gang and then whine, scream and complain when some professional brother doesn't want to marry someone with (very very expensive) baggage.
Just as lots of ladies prefer men to be 'disease free, baby free" and a million other things on their list, men feel the same way. There's no double standard about that.
So yea, please, ladies keep giving it out–but for goodness sake, make your dudes wrap it up, and don't get knocked up. Once you have a kid your stock value plummets for wifing up. That's real talk.
On a sidenote … I'm believing more and more the only people who don't want to talk about the past are people with bad pasts.
I bet Germans don't like to talk about World War 2 (Or 1 really) either … but gotdamnit if it didn't happen!
That's some of the realest shit I never wrote.
And let the synagogue say… Mozaltov!
You have a point. Most folks with "bad pasts" want to avoid the judgement.
Then again, some folks claim to want to have the talk, but really don't want to know the answer…they want to hear some fairytale. Sort of like the women who ask "do I look fat in this?" and then get mad when they hear "yes, you do".
Uh … I think most women want to hear a fairytale … wrote a whole post about women asking questions and not wanting the truth (http://www.singleblackmale.org/2009/01/26/do-you-really-want-me-to-answer-that/). But you know what … that's mainly a female trait.
As a guy … if I ask a question … don't lie to me. I have the right to get mad at the truth (I swear ya'll seem to think we aren't allowed to get mad because we asked the question) … but I don't hear guys say "lie to me" too often.
That fairytale bullsh*t is for the fairer sex … we like it gritty and raw (pause) … or … we won't ask for it at all!
And who is the determinant of a "bad past"?
Whoever you want to date.
Yep…SBM, it's like Eddie Murphy Raw…"I hate a shy chick."
I'm prepared to have my sisters beat me down but I can't stand the skanky. And yes, it is skanky when you can take your age multiply it by pi and still not come up to your "magic number."
Now yesterday I said I hate dating rules but today I take that ish back! Ladies, it's not classy to have to track your partners with an excel spreadsheet. That's not doing you, that just gettin' done. Plenty of D on the menu, you don't need to order the sampler platter every weekend.
Sure it's a double standard, but girly you look real suspect with that "now serving #__" light beside your bedpost. Fellas, I'm giving you the side eye too. Not sexy to need stadium seating for all your previous partners.
I can't tell you what the number should be. But I can't tell you what it shouldn't. I'm just sayin'…
I was just thinking about yesterday's conversation about dating rules. this indeed would be one. and LMAO @ tracking partners by excel spreadsheet. stadium seating for partners and now serving lights are equally suspect, I agree.
That's one thing I have said before … a hoe is a hoe … whether it pees standing up or sitting down.
LMAO…what about standing room only?
I just have a problem with women lying to THEMSELVES about their sexuality.
If you know your NOT built "Ford tough" for the lifestyle ….please don't front…as in continuously spread those pins, screaming woman's lib, then crying in the shower while feeling hollow and unloved.
This is my first time posting on SBM but I really enjoyed this topic…gave me a couple laughs….But….
I don’t think that there is anything wrong with the “double standard.” If you wanna “do you” by all means go ahead, but you’re really only hurting yourself in the long run. There are feelings attached to sex. A woman can say she can have sex with out feelings being attached to the act until she is blue in the face but I am sorry…there is going to be some form of attachment. Whether you’re attached to him because you caught feelings or you’re attached to the fact that you feel important because he actually showed you attention and that in turn validates you.
Yea it may be fun and pleasurable to be able to experience as many people as possible, but to me showing restraint shows a sign of respect for yourself. I honestly don’t like the “ho” word because I feel that sexual promiscuity is a sign of some deeper issues.
People make mistakes, and I do feel that people can be reformed. If you were looser in your younger years, then you definitely should own up to it. I also feel that it is important to know the amount of the people your partner has had relations with. If you are not mature enough to have that conversation, maybe you should rethink being in a relationship. Ultimately it is up to you to decide whether or not you can handle the response that person gives you…I think not knowing about your partner’s sexual history is dangerous in itself…but that’s my opinion…just a thought.
It makes me feel pretty special to see the work that men will go through just to try and get a chance to experience the greatness that is me
, and not all get the pleasure. Sorry but I am really old fashioned, and I just can’t imagine handing myself over to every guy like, “here take me and do with me what you will and I don’t care.” I need for there to be mutual feelings, and love…yes love! There are just way too many lasting consequences for all that….just my two cents….
It's all a conspiracy and bullsh!t for that matter.
Men are always looking for a way to confine a woman's behavior to what they feel is socially acceptable…you say we're insecure and I say YOU ARE insecure.
Which are you more worried about, whether or not I'm thinking about Johnny while you're trying to make me scream YOUR name, or is it really some virtuous fantasy that you're holding onto about women in general…cause I'm here to tell you like I KNOW it to be.
There is nothing wrong with "doing me"…it could have nothing to do with insecurity and everything to do with not wanting to be bogged down at the moment in something that requires energy and work. I know that with everything I have going on in my life, "doing me" aka getting my fix whenever, however and with whomever I choose does not make me less than savory…especially if the others are aware that there are no rights to me.
I don't mislead people into believing that I want more than I do. If I have a lot on my plate and I just need a quick fix every now and then, then it's my business…if Joe lays the pipe better, but James gives licks me like a lollipop, while Jason pulls my hair just the way I like, and Johnny slaps that ass in a way that makes me purr like a kitty, then it's my right to choose which "fix" I need at the moment.
When I am ready to settle down and commit my time, energy and body to one man then I will act accordingly…but "doing me" does not equal any preconceived notion of virtuous bs that men made up (yes, even those who wrote the Bible) to supress our sexual independence.
I'm good on that sh!t…call me what you like, cause Imma do me!
It's interesting reading how certain people are responding to this post. We can go back and forth about who's insecure. I'm curious to know what you'll say to your next man when he asks about your past or if he confronts you about something you heard. I'm pretty sure "I was doin me" won't be your answer.
Well then you don't know me…and the only time a man has asked it was b/c I asked him. I'll either say none of your business b/c it's not or I'll tell him…if I have a clean bill of health then who I screwed in the interim really is none of his business.
Oh there's no need to call you anything, just recognize that however you "do you" has consequences. Women hold the same kinds of judgments of men.
There is one important nuance though. When we talk about double standards, it is usually in the context of a man's point of view, i.e. men do not judge each other for being promiscuous, but they do judge women.
But wait, women also judge *each other* by this double standard too! So you shouldn't be so quick to say this is only about controlling female sexuality.
After all, what is marriage other than a legalized way of controlling male sexuality and options? This forum is full of sisters who yell up and down about how professional brothers *ought* to forgo running the table when ladies decide to finally choose them, i.e.
"they aren't ready to settle down."
So controlling sexuality goes BOTH WAYS.
As for women, women follow to the beat of a man's drum…if men were like you could screw whoever you like and I'd still love you all the same then women wouldn't be so judgemental…but I will say is that the same women who crucify me in public are quick to come to me in private and readily acknowledge how much they admire my sexual liberty.
It's a front in most cases.
@ Jasmine,
I think that's still a cop out.
If women are crucifying you in public, they are contributing to the 'oppression' just as much as men. We could debate back and forth about which gender follows whom in terms of these things, but trying to always give men the primary responsibility doesnt' make much sense. But to use men as an excuse for such cruel behavior to you makes it sound like women aren't actually equal and that they can't think for themselves. It's like in US society whenever a woman decides something stupid, immoral or destructive it's men's fault for making them think that way.
Last time I checked responsibilty and woman were not antonyms on the GRE. It's time we stop acting like they are just to give women an excuse for ridiculous behavior. (See that's one of the costs of believing in gender equality- women can't screw up and blame it all on men since they have just as much agency).
You can't want equal rights without taking on the equal responsibilities and consequences for being a screwup.
It's also a bit ridiculous to blame men for not believing "screw whoever you like and I'd still love you all the same" because as SBM and co. have brought up, your past does matter. How can I love a lady who was the college basketball team's "train runner?"
Or someone who got knocked up by some thug dude with no job? History matters.
Doesn't her past tell me something about her decision making process? Her concern for her own health? Her mental state? Don't ladies judge men by the women they have dated in the past?
Trying to downplay the responsibility and agency of women who screw up doesn't do them any favors–it pulls Steve Harvey type ish that keeps women in a la la land.
No pun intended, but man up.
You tell 'em girl. I am all about women doing what makes them happy. If you really wanna screw like crazy go for it, but make sure its b/c you want to not b/c you're trying to fill a void or compensate for some mess in your past.
If you wanna wait till you find a man who can appreciate you and treat you like a queen, "do you." What I can't cosign on is saying that men can do it but women can't. Our world is set up to control women's sexuality and EVERYONE buys into (men and women).
When women truly get that they deserve to enjoy sex just like men do, we will have a true revolution, until then many women will keep on missing out on all the fun they could be having b/c of how they think the world will judge them.
I'm sorry fellas but this topic and your opinion on it is WACK!
"A woman can say she can have sex with out feelings being attached to the act until she is blue in the face but I am sorry…there is going to be some form of attachment."
Men kill me with this…you act like all d!ck is good d!ck…that's not necessarily the case, and even when it is…if you're not feeling that person's character enough to build a future with them then the D is always enough…the problem is only having one man to screw and no one to talk to.
"Whether you’re attached to him because you caught feelings or you’re attached to the fact that you feel important because he actually showed you attention and that in turn validates you"
Again, I'm shaking my head in disbelief in the power that you men believe you possess in us women…when really our validation is what YOU need. Everything you do from birth, you do it be a good man someday to a woman, from getting a job, being able to provide and hold your chest up high…your validation is not what we seek during "casual" sex…that double O is.
I think Blue Flame is a woman …
100% woman! But like i said…that was just my opinion….casual sex doesn't work for me…do you…
I have to ask. Since men want to eff every girl in the world (and if not the world, at least your hood), don't you think that eventually, all ya'll are gonna run through the same chick at one point, which in turn heightens her numbers?
too late
Aw snap…already asked? I'm late AND I don't pay attention. I'm so Black.
nah i sd dudes smashed the homies already… too late, LMAO!
The boy spm is on point with this one. Why is it when a woman says she will only date someone said height income education level etc thats fine its called standards even if the woman in question does not have same height income or education. But if a man says " you know what i dont want to date a woman who has had intercourse with alot of people or is a single mother" he is villifed for these things. Its not a double standard its a see-saw just like men dont judge women on height income or education. How many women will not talk to guy that has alot of money and is good looking but has been around?
Exactly the point I was making earlier.
You make a very good point. Bottom line:
HoesPeople are cool with standards up until they don't meet someone else's.As for the sex thing, has anyone thought about the health issue? I am sure all these 'doin' me' chicks aren't always protected in every way they could be. And according to somethings I read from the NIH and CDC, it's easier for women to catch things. I'm just saying…
"I'm just doin me" is just another way for some women to justify their hoedom.
"Bottom line: People are cool with standards up until they don’t meet someone else’s."
Exactly.
Women who are "doin me" have to be sleeping with someone. I think that Slim and SBM may feel a certain kind of way about the girls that they want to be serious with, but we also have to look at dudes who are "doin me" as well. Sex takes 2 people. If you are really mad and want some good girls left, tell your boys to stop trying to f*ck every girl in the world.
Both sides need to be accountable for the madness.
Yeah, we are all young, "doing you" is okay for both men and women, as long as you being safe and not leading no one on…But ladies need to stop faking..like they said stop trying to play it off…If you rolling you rolling, just admit it. Yeah its true we (dudes) can do what we want and not get ridiculed for it, but society has it set it up like that. I'm not saying it right..but hey…life aint fair.
Hmm if you want women to "admit" they are "rolling" then stop with all the judgements. No woman with a half an ounce of sense is going to tell you if she's out there if you all are going to keep up with all the criticism. Why set yourself up? Women have been getting it in for years and the smart ones know how to keep their business discreet. When yall start accepting that women like sex too and stop trying to control our bodies, maybe we'll start being honest.
http://www.onefourthrandom.com/can-we-break-the-d…
My thoughts. I wanted to comment, but I was hmm… having a hard time on the day this was written.
Lmao. Love the title and yea I agree but for clarity sake let me say that I don't think men or women should be freely fucking in this day and age. One word: HIV! It's real and it's real scary so please be selective and strap up.
I just got to this but I had to say something, cause I am shocked at how much we as women do not think with our heads. We are so bent on bridging this divide on the standards of this world that we forget that somethings are just the way they are.
This is an old African saying (well my part of Africa,,,loosely translated in english), Your body(here body means your emotional behavior, your mindset and your physical body in some cases) shows the number of men you have offered your being too. I don't mean to get preachy but we seem to forget the spiritual nature of sex, women are the receiving end of the act so when you lay and let a man into you, you are accepting in all kinds of stuff that even you can not fathom with your human mind.
We are the backbone of society, if you cannot control your sexual urges and keep your legs closed to one man than how can you hold up a whole society with such careless judgment and disregard for yourself. That is why it is looked down on when women are loose with their bodies.
We are NEVER going to win the "fight" on, "why is he not labeled a whore when he sleeps with 200 women but I am labeled loose when I sleep with half of that", lets just get that in our heads and be grateful that we are held to a higher standard than men(sorry guys). Not to say a man is not held accountable for all his trysts but ladies, we need to cut the bull crap and stop fighting to have such a silly double standard erased. You are a woman, a mother…your virtue is very significant in so many ways.
Why is it that we cannot have relations any which way we want? our emotions won't let us (simmer down all you "I can have sex without any strings attached" ladies, you know you are lying to yourself deep down in your heart), we are not wired that way. If you have beef with that statement, take it to the Almighty when you come face to face with Him.
Learn to control your bodies and know that you carry a gift…a precious gift and a woman that knows her worth and acknowledges the gift she carries will not be (or will cease to be) a 7-11. Peace and love y'all.
Hey. I really appreciate this comment. It seems like you understand the point that we are getting at without it being about misogyny or chauvinism. Your perspective is sexy.lol.
This to me is the best comment. Wow! And how true it is!
Fantastic post.
The truth is…double standards suck, but they exist. And some of them will never change. Women can't be men, and women who try to act like men usually get the short end of the stick at some point. Again, not fair, but true.
I was talking about this with my BF. A girl I know who says she's fed up with men, so she's going to start treating them how they treat us (which prompted my home girl and I to glance at each other while the aforementioned girl laughed somewhat awkwardly because we clearly didn't share her sentiment). After I finished telling my boo the story, he said "Treat them how they treat us? So what, she's going to grow a d*&k?"
I laughed and said "wtf?", but he clarified: "How is she going to act like a man without being a man? Impossible; that's her problem right there. If she steps to guys on that tip, they're only going to be encouraged to treat her like a JO. And then that ONE dude is gonna come around that she's going to get attached to and she's going to get hurt because she started playing the game acting like she carries it like a man."
And he's totally right.
We should be less concerned with it being socially acceptable for women to sleep around like men, and more concerned with finding (and raising) men who don't necessarily fit the stereotype of the "promiscuous" guy. They exist.
Acting like men only gives them more ammunition to, well…act like men.
Curious to know: HYPOTHETICALLY- you are 35. Meet a woman who is 30. ya'll date, hit it off all that good stuff, let's say for 2 or 3 months.. you diggin this woman. Ya'll have the 'how many you slept with talk', and she says, 'oh I'm not ashamed to tell you, I have slept with 30 men in my life… it was a rough time in my life when I didn't know my self worth and self value, was mistaking sex for 'love',… back when I was 17-20 or so. I'd say I've grown a lot, and have learned to value me more. I've been celibate for the last 8 years though, been tough, but realized that sex doesn't mean love and I'm looking for love now…."
… is she a hoe? a reformed hoe? is she still datable in your eyes? is she damaged goods? what's what?
This is actually an excellent question. I don't think she's a hoe. She just had a rough stretch. Perhaps that makes her reformed. I mean if the man asked, he needs to be prepared for and appreciate the honest answer. He may think that she's damaged good, but each dude is different. Some may be like "As long as you have found Jesus" and just say forget the past. There really is no cookie cutter answer. I actually scratched my head for a few minutes at this one. Good question.
SBM says @Slim: Damn if that aint the truth. I mean … why is our desire to have a not slutorious woman so much worst and insecure than a height or income requirement. F*ck all that … I aint gonna feel bad for it
……and its females desire to have a so not slutorious man…….
are u saying that men can be sluts but will want to marry the 'close to' virgin woman? What about his record and his past. You cant compare slutty past with height…..that is nature, no control. Nor income…..yes income can make u shame but it can be redeemed and FORGOTTEN by getting a better career. A slutty past is NOT by nature and it can be controlled and…..a sluts history will NEVER be forgotten.
(hmmmm..) im a woman…and i know i've done a lot of things im not proud of..with a couple (hint: more than i would care to announce) people..im not proud of it and i can't blame it on my age..hell i knew what i was doin (and had hella fun doin it)!!! but with time you realize its not lady like and before any relationship i admit to my past…i love dick..no shame there….and i feel like men should be kinda relieved your girl got her wild antics taken care of BEFORE you decided to wife her no surprises…i respect my body but at the same time it takes experience to get to know it better..not an excuse just the truth so i guess according to yall im a EXCON hoe!!!!! jeez truth hurts but i can live with that ..cause i know my mindset and when i find my hubby* unma hold him down faithfully..and you betta belive he's goin to be taken care of in the bedroom.
Hi all,
Read quite a few posts but never commented before. But there's a question I've always had, this seems like the perfect time and forum to ask.
IF the proposition that you hold in this post [that men don't want to wife a "hoe"] is true…how can we explain high profile celebrities and athletes who wife women who by all accounts who are generally considered "hoes"* (i.e. Kim K., Kendra W. and a number of video girls/groupies known to run through athletes, actors, and musicians). These women never seem to have a shortage of attractive men with money toting them in public. Does beauty/$$ trump ho tendencies?? I know that most men ascribe to the same thoughts as the original posters and so I have always been baffled by this.
*Note that I do not know if these women are hoes, but that's certainly the perception of many of them… and isn't that part of what men are concerned about – other men talking about your woman's sexual escapades in a derogatory manner (in addition to the whole poor decision making/doesn't love herself issue)?
Ya the public always assume that certain women are hoes mainly because of the media and some of their own actions. Most men don't and won't marry a hoe, but we all like to kick it with them. I have said this before on my blog "hoes are really cool women to hang with" so if you spend enough time with them. You might start too really like them and over look some of the issue that might come up in the future. But I will admit that being around so called famous people a lot, I still side eye them when they wife up questionable women. But hey I have been guilty of doing it myself. SMH