****** Admin Note ******
I want to thank everyone for voting us into the finals of the Black Weblog Awards. We are happy to announce our finalist status for not only “Best Sex & Relationships Blog” but also “Blog of the Year”.
- SBM
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In continuing to address the Skribit topic suggestions, I figured I’d address what seems to be the most voted topic and a valid question that I’ve gotten from lady friends. Most of us go through a courting stage before we start a relationship. It’s during this period that we learn a lot about the other person including their interests, hobbies, typical behaviors, political views, and all that other good stuff that we’ve covered on this here blog. We also typically try to be ourselves on these initial dates and the instant messenger/text messaging exchanges, but more often than not end up putting on our best behavior to ensure that if we end up likin’ the person enough to consider a relationship that they ultimately like us too. **Memory arises of 4th grade “circle yes or no” notes**
The things that men and women think about during the first few dates are completely different. It doesn’t take Captain Obvious to figure that one out. We wanna know, in no particular order, what type of background shorty comes from, who her peoples are, what’s the probability of her bein’ crazy, how long it’s gonna take to beat, how many have beat, how the beats will be, and a variety of other fun facts. Women, from what I hear…f*ck it, from what I know, wanna know how he thinks, how many chicks he may be dealin’ with, if he goes to church, if he lives at home, if he has money a car, if he has a sense of humor, if his stroke/face game is mean, and so on (Note: Not every woman thinks about every one of these things). And if the guy seems great, they wanna know at what point is the real bedroom brawler man legit and not just puttin’ on a show so that he can put it on/in her?
Honestly, there is no cookie cutter answer. There is no magical number of dates that a couple can go on before they can determine if the other person is bein’ real or bein’ phony. It can take months or even years for some people to get over the “This seems too good to be true” thought process. And quite honestly, more times than not when a person feels that way, they’re right. There are, however, a few simple behaviors to watch for that can shed some light on if he, in this particular case, is fakin’ the funk…
Difficult to reach on the phone
It’s 2009. I don’t care how busy people are. If they are truly interested and bout the serious stuff, they will be fairly accessible via phone at some time of day. If you can only see the person face to face (which seems ideal) and get a hold of them via text, email, or otherwise, they’re probably not the truth regardless of if it’s 100 dates or 3. Also, unless the person works night shift or has to be to work at 5am or is serving porridge at the shelter, not being able to talk after 9pm is a bad sign for multiple reasons. Watch it…
Diminishing Marginal Efforts
This may be the one area that becomes more obvious with each date or hang out session that doesn’t involve havin’ sess (Yes. I said sess). If you find the person runnin’ out of things to talk about after a few dates or suddenly droppin’ off the radar and then sporadically returning to action, they are probably not the truth. I don’t care how cute you think the person is or what they do for work. Makin’ excuses for why they might be falling off the map is also unacceptable and detrimental. But hey, it’s your life.
He gets pissed when you ask his intentions or if anybody else is in the mix
“What kinda question is that?!” #FAIL.
He lives in ATL or DC and has a weekly or monthly poker game with the fellas at an obscure location.
#Pause and #No homo…not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Maybe I’m off base with this one, let me know? Additionally, ladies and gents, what clues or tools do you use to determine if that potentially special somebody is the truth or a con-artist over a series of dates/chill sessions?
Promoting tolerance but not stupidity,
Difficult to reach on the phone is a good one and so true. When someone says you can only call at a certain time, it makes the mind wonder. I dated a guy that would only be able to talk in the morning. I couldn't get a hold of him through the rest of the day/night. He would say, Leave me a voicemail. He wouldn't call me back til the morning came. It was really weird. He was living a double life. I found that out later…
Some other clues are being possessive early on, sneaking around, inability to meet the parents and sex being the only topic of interest.
You touched on the communication thing – if you all can't sit and just hold a conversation for 15 minutes without someone reaching for the blackberry, remote control, newspaper – it's done. I know you've seen that couple in restaurants. They sit through an entire meal with the conversational highlight being, "Pass the salt." We call it the Relationship Death Silence. Starts with the awkward silence, ends with relationship death.
The Why Are You Still Here? look. Anytime ya'll have finished doing your thing and before heart rate goes back to normal, one rolls over to catch the other laser-beaming this look… it's over. Just pick up your Hanes/Vicki's Secret and roll out. You are not in a relationship any more, if you ever were. It's even worse if you are getting this look over cold cereal in the morning. I saw a male friend of mine give his girlfriend of nine months this look a few weeks ago. She walked in from the other room and he looked up in irritation like what is she doing here? They were broken up two days later.
Lastly – the Invisible relationship. You think you're in one but you haven't met friends, family, co-workers, even Fluffy the cat is still giving you the side-eye when you come over. It's been more than a month or two and no one knows your name, The excuse is, "I just want to keep it me and you for just a while longer." Uh-huh, kinda like the tree falling in the forest analogy, if no one sees you, do you exist? You have entered the side piece zone.
Keep up the great posts. Yes, I voted. Good luck!
to piggyback on the invisible relationship. i was in a situation where i meet his friends, coworkers, and family but he would come up with excuses not to hang with my friends and was very vocal about not meeting my mother. warning signs if they don't want to hang with your friends either.
That's an interesting one. Adamant about not being seen by anyone that knows you so he can't be identified doing greeze in the streets. Wow.
Signs of erratic behavior is a big one for me.
and I totally voted for ya.
If you have to meet him somewhere other than his house all the time…suspect
If his friends can't remember your name…suspect
If all you talk about is you…suspect
Let's say it's y'alls 5th date or whatever and it's dinner and a movie again after you mentioned the zoo or a museum or something different…suspect
If you begin to make excuses for him…suspect
You had some good ones…
In addition,
1. Mr. I don't like titles: Self Explanatory.
2. The Sigher: Everytime you ask a question, he sigh, which makes you think asking questions is wrong. Eventually he hopes that you will give up and just coast with him(hence allowing him to do whatever he wants and not have to lie. No ONE wants to be the bad guy.)
3. The errands runner : I am suspicious of anyone who answers my question: "What did you to today?" with "Run some errands." (Past experience. lol )
I'm sorta newly single (6 months back in the game!), so I'm still figuring some of this stuff out, but so far I've come across
Calling From Random Numbers – at first it was his work number, then his homeboy's number. This lasted about a 3 days before I asked if he had a wife or girlfriend. Then, he started calling from a private number. By day 5, he was on the IGNORE list. Don't try me – I am NOT trying to have a Winter Santiaga moment and have a crazy person slice my face open cause you can't be faithful!
The Perpetual Texter: I'm sorry, but if you can't pick up the phone and call me, iCan't with you. Things get lost in translation through texts when you're starting to get to know someone. It also makes me think there's something fishy- you got a girl? A speech impediment I didn't notice during our original meeting? Bad conversation skills? What's wrong with you?
Mr. Why Don't You Give Me A Call?: I'm sorry, last time I checked, I was the woman and you were the man and YOU APPROACHED ME! After you call me to show that you're truly interested, I have no problem picking up the phone, but you need to make the first move (this differs for every woman and that's ok). The ones asking you to call them will be the main ones complaining about how women don't let men be men…
On the flip side, I've been on the giving end of the "inaccessible" routine- dated this guy for about 6 weeks. Great convo, enjoyed his company, took me to some cool museums/dinners (I paid for some stuff, too!), but…the physical spark just wasn't there. I tried to force it, but it's not happening, so I'm trying to gently become unavailable and hope he gets the hint. Yes, I'm being a chicken. I'll do better next time.
I feel bad for the guy that you're trying to give the hint to. Can't lie.lol. Poor fella.
"Mr. Why Don’t You Give Me A Call?: I’m sorry, last time I checked, I was the woman and you were the man and YOU APPROACHED ME! After you call me to show that you’re truly interested, I have no problem picking up the phone, but you need to make the first move (this differs for every woman and that’s ok). The ones asking you to call them will be the main ones complaining about how women don’t let men be men…"
This comment is so on point, it's a ballerina. This guy approached me (while I was walking in sweats and not looking my best, so that gave him points), but this mofo knows nada about the pursuit. He was extra lazy with his and would text me the standard "hey" every so often. He "wanted to see [me]" and I suggested going out to lunch. He just said "ok"…haven't heard from him since (maybe another pre-programmed "hey" text in there, I lost count). WTF, I'm tired of hand-holding like you're crossing the street and I'm the crossing guard.
When I hear stuff like this, I'm like why the person even bother.lol. Are they tryna beat? Do they wanna have more numbers in their phone? What's the point?
Exactly, Slim. Was I part of some "numbers" game for him? Then again, he went through a lot of trouble just for a number. I mean, I was talking a brisk walk and he rolled up in his car and got out of the car to meet me. Didn't holler from the car, he GOT OUT. Whatevah.
LOL! Thanks…your guy was extra tired for that move.
I called this dude out on his. He was 28 (I was 24 at the time) and we had done the text thing for a few days. Then, he sends a text saying, "You should call me some time." Say whaaa??
My response: Nah, I don't call boys. (Yes, I was being snide, but he was 28! GTFOH)
Him: I'm not a boy, I'm a man.
Me: Men don't ask women to call them, they pick up the phone themselves.
Him: You must be spoiled by men or something?
Clearly, it all went down hill from there. In what universe does expecting a man to call you = being spoiled? Another one on the ignore list.
I'm beginning to think it comes down to the low quality of women that a lot of men are used to dealing with. So when they meet a good woman (not an "independent, I got my own stuff" woman, but just a good woman with standards and self-respect), they don't know how to act.
In my short six months on the scene, I see the response is very extreme -they either run in the opposite direction, or step their game up.
My dating life could be some sort of social experiement…
"Clearly, it all went down hill from there. In what universe does expecting a man to call you = being spoiled?"
ROFL…no he didn't.
He approached YOU. What part of that doesn't he understand? This ain't a game of fetch. He approached you, he should initiate things. Otherwise, there was no reason for the approach.
my girlfriend dated an older man in his 30s that pulled that, always making up an excuse not to call her, but wondered why she wasn't calling him. I told her quickly, he's not that interested, stop sending his ass cutesy text messages and whatnot. He needs to pick up the phone SOMETIME. ugh.
I know, I know. I feel bad, too.
I want to let him down gently, but not encourage any further advances. I'd love to be his friend – he really is smart and funny. I just don't wanna kiss him or hold hands or anything…
"This may be the one area that becomes more obvious with each date or hang out session that doesn’t involve havin’ sess (Yes. I said sess). "
LMFAO @ "sess". Saying "sess" is sorta suss. Maybe because I imagine someone saying it with a lisp.
I used two many 's' words in this comment…
Another one is if he only wants to go out on dates Sunday-Thursday and never Friday or Saturday…no weekend time equals a no no.
For real Slim … If your in DC you can't go to a Poker game!
Damn son … I was all ready to co-sign … almost had me.
Poker game in an obscure secret location is different than a poker game at Lamont's crib.lol.
Wait..you know Lamont? o_O
I think that calling is a key thing, but it all depends. I am not a jones'er. I'm such a face to face person. I can't hold the phone to my ear for longer than ten minutes without getting upset. I am guilty of falling back once I realize i'm not that into a person. I don't like to just outright dead a person because I don't want to be mean.
Lastly, I do not hang out in private settings where there are no girls at. Nah son…
Dr. J approves this post.
I hate being on the phone for long amounts of time, but I know I gotta answer it or at least call and say a few words to shorty every now and then. If the dude can't do that, the chick isn't that important to him.
If you talk more to dudes VM and his away message than him, you got a problem houston!
LOL @ ATL and DC. Damn son its like that! One of these days Ill tell some funny stories about those areas… that will be a shell shocker LMAO!
Good ish my ninja!
Here's another thing I've noticed:
Mr. YOU don't make time for me/ YOU are too busy all the time.
I'll admit I'm a busy person, but I'm extremely organized with my time. I told this dude from the get-go that if he wanted to visit, just let me know. Even though I'm involved with work and classes, I can make that time to spend together. I made sure all my stuff was done and asked if he had free time as well; I made it so easy for him. Well at the last minute (no fail) he made an excuse.( I should have dropped him after that point, but I didn't.) Well, during the break-up convo what did he say?: You were so busy all the time and you never made time for me.
That crap got on my nerve.
@Difficult to reach on the phone:
Heh. I ain't gon lie. I'm horrible with the picking up the phone, responding to texts thing with the ladies. And honestly it's not so much that I'm with another woman (though that's certainly a possibility), it's that I just don't want to talk to you. I hate the type of chick who thinks after one date, and 3-4 or so conversations thinks she now owns all of your free time. I used to lie, and say I'm busy. Then I started telling the truth and letting them know I'm out right now, don't want to talk or whatever the deal is.
Oddly enough, that pisses them off more.
Funny but true.
You may very well be the guy that I've had a few female friends come to me about and vent because they didn't understand why you were being so difficult when you were really being straightforward and simple.lol.
Smoove co-signs this post.
And I'm with Doc J, I hate talkin' on the phone. I'll BBM all day tho.
I'm a BBM beast man. Totally co-sign that.lol. I know I gotta pick up at least 2 out of 5 times if booski o'cuddles calls.
Lmao @ the Poker Games shit
If a man does a back flip and jumps over cars to get your number and then calls you but doesn't pursue you any further, then he was attracted to your looks and that's it. Looks attract men, but they are not the final ingredient in a man pursuing you. Maybe she recently got the body because they had a baby/s or she eat junky fast food and the punnany stinks). Looking sexy does not equate to full control of a man's desire to date ya.
Here's are my red flags, lack of planning, having the baby just cause. Listen if her and her ex were jus screwing and here's come baby and he's splitsville, post mortem I see two numskulls who thought great sex meant love-trust and commitment. I am 33 my short film is imdb, I aint plannin I am excecuting my plan. If a woman can't see past her bf's sex to see if they should or should not start a fam, then that's a woman I am leary about. Had they had a plan getting pregnant wouldn't have turned into the disaster so many women seem to complain that it has turned out to be. So since 99 I factor in her plans and the conditions she was under that convinced her that her now bitch ass (her words) baby father was the guy she HAD to get pregnant by.
And now my not so concvenient life, I work on wall st 2nd shift, home by 1230 what's funny is despite tellin some women upon exchanging info that the best time to call is NOT @ NITE unless you like being cut off abruptly. The 2nd worst time to call is when yo' 9 to 5 behind has just gotten to work, why the hell would I be up @ 9 or 10 am are you up @ 430a for a job that says be there @ 9 and its a 45min comute? I usually rise around 1130 and like all of us hell no I don't wanna talk before brushin my teeth.
Then there's the film thing.
Cue Jane's Addiction "Superhero" song…if you watch the show u know what I am talkin about…
Here's my weekend coming up: film a model shoot on rockaway beach, then film a performance @ Jones beach then head to a BBQ to network yes its film related! Oh and then choose which industry party to go to. So I guess the ladies would label me diffulcult. And if you think you can date a man in the film game well good luck. Most of us have given up the conventional idea of a realationship. That means even callin us is not normal, our berry's stay buzzin and ringin, and we text to put teenieboppers to shame (and of course bbm) for us communication/info is key. Its not uncommon for a filmmaker to cut off a loved ones call to take "that call".
However I say if a man or woman has a pretty standard life, and they playin hard to get yea dead em!
I'm real off rip. I know ppl say that, but I just don't care enough about a woman to go through all that fake ish. If you don't like me as is, fine, I got a whole metro area full of women to mess with, its not that big of a deal.
I do agree about that bs crap about being busy. Nobody, especially not all these broke ass people, are that busy where they cant talk to you. They're talking to somebody, its just not you. That's why I call once, and keep going down the lists. Or text 20 girls at a time like "what's up?"
I literally hollered when I read the last line…Yes, if you go off to an obscure location to play poker with the fellas once a week and you live in those places…i'm gonna ask if you're being poked or doing the poking.