For this part of our series we explore how women like to blame men for things that have nothing to do with them. At the end of the day, a lot of things are your fault.
God charges Adam to tend the garden in which they live, and specifically commands Adam not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Eve is quizzed by the serpent concerning why she avoids eating off this tree. (Serpent=Hater in the House) In the dialogue between the two, Eve elaborates on the commandment not to eat of its fruit. She says that even if she touches the fruit she will die. The serpent responds that she will not die, rather she and her husband would “be as gods, knowing good and evil,” and persuades Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. (After she knew she was wrong she then gives it to Adam) Then Adam eats from it too. It’s at this point that the two become aware, “to know good and evil,” evidenced by an awareness of their nakedness. God then finds them, confronts them, and judges them for disobeying. (Story of Adam and Eve from the Book of Genesis)
A wise man once put me onto game; He told me one day, here’s why you have to keep a tight leash on women: Remember that Adam was content, most men are content with the same ish everyday, as long as we get money, power, respect and p*$$y we will always be OK. And while we were chilling in the Garden of Eden we would still be there today if it hadn’t been for the woman. For what she did was take from the Fruit of Life and then give it to a man, and he had to have some too. Now i’ll let you in on a secret, it’s damn hard for a man to deny a woman dressed in her birthday suit. But this explains a few situations that we must explore in this series.
You can’t blame men for your decisions. You decided that you wanted to go to school in DC instead of going to Dartmouth for business school. You decided to stay with him after he cheated on you. No one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do. So if after you make one of those decisions and things don’t turn out the way you thought they would, you cannot blame him. It’s not his fault. Fellas, tell me if you’ve ever been in this situation; you invite a young lady out to dinner, and take her to a nice restaurant, you’ve been there before, she hasn’t, you both make your orders and when her food comes it’s not what she expected, but yours looks fantastic and is scrumptious. She looks at you and says, “How come you didn’t tell me not to order what I did?” (At this point, the guy has this look on his face, that says, we both had the same menu, maybe you should have read what you were ordering before ordering it.) Being the nice guy that you are, you ask the waiter to come over and replace her meal with something that she would like. Now she’s, “not hungry.” Who’s fault is that? If you say the man’s, you need Jesus.
You can’t blame men for who you are. If you are a sexual deviant and you are doing all types of things like, threesomes, foursomes, smashing the homies, one night stands, group sex orgies, golden showers, pornos, webcams, etc. etc. etc. You cannot blame your Daddy, Grandfather, Your ex-boyfriend, Your catholic priest, NOPE, that’s who you became. “Be the change you want to see in the world.” -Ghandi You are who you are because of your life’s experiences and the choices you have made. If you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself because of a man, for example; self-esteem, a great job, your body, or your network. That’s your fault. Your man can’t keep those things in your life. If you allow him to wreck them, then guess what? You allowed it. You have to know who you are, know thyself. If a change can be made it is unacceptable to sit and blame a man for whatever reason that you cannot be who you want to be because of a man.
Do not bring men into your situations… This could be baby daddy drama, this could be you not being able to pay your bills, or family issues. Life is complicated. And while you think that if your man, or if a man cares about you he should be involved and want to help. You have no right to bring him into some craziness. I’m going to give you a classic scene. You’re out at a local lounge having drinks with your significant other. He leaves for a moment to use the bathroom and some slick brother comes up to you and start hitting on you. You try and respectfully tell him that you are not interested because you are there with someone, however, he won’t stop. You decide to go Keisha from MLK Blvd. on him and cause a scene. When your boyfriend returns from the bathroom, you immediately tell him to, “Whip this fool’s ass!” Your boyfriend looks up to see that you have decided to pick a fight with the Redskins’ newly signed Offensive Lineman. Don’t get mad if he leaves you at that lounge.
Get over your pride and admit when you are wrong. You are not getting anywhere by telling yourself that you are right and that everyone else is wrong. A lot of us try and convince ourselves differently. We have pride, not that pride is a bad thing, but we have pride and we sometimes have to fall flat on our face to admit fault. We also like to pull others down when we are drowning. And I feel like the message that I really want to get across in this fourth installment of the Get Over It Series, is that you’re in control of you. Similar to the previous posts, take back that control. I’m not saying you turn into the lone ranger, what i’m saying is that you stop looking for excuses not to look in the mirror and get some straightening going on.
This is brought to you by the Get Over It Series, don’t try to flip this back on men, it’s about women, not men. “It’s a thousand you’s it’s only one of me.” – Kanye West
So what do you think? Can we agree that sometimes women black men for things that they need to take ownership of? Ever notice that you were bring a man into your personal situation?
- Dr. J is NOW taking Walk-ins
Good Post
I think women do blame men for a lot of things. I think the main thing is to take ownership of your mistakes and not blame the second party unless they actually did something to you. Most people allow themselves to get in certain situations and then be like I can't believe he did this or did that. And my question to them would be why did you put yourself in that position to begin with??
This is a good post. Me and my S.O were talking about some of the thnigs that have happened to me in my past. He insists that I make excuses for the men… but I dont' think I do. I simply acknowledge my part in them.
"A" would not have happened if I was not at his house that late, not knowing him that well… I'm not excusing him. I know he did wrong, but I had a part in it too.
I agree- women need to take more responsiblity for their actions (and so do some men. Adam had a mouth. He could've told Eve NO. lol. I want my man to lead!!)
I agree with Nicki Sunshine – Adam def could have told Eve NO…that n*gga wasn't 12…Eve wasn't his mother…so don't try to turn around and act like the situation he found himself in was all her fault…maybe men should stop thinking with their penis and they wouldn't find themselves giving the side eye to crazy women who blame men for dumb shit…lol
Why Adam gotta be a n*gga already?! LOL smh.
Ashley you're funny. "The side eye to crazy women.." That may entice a crazy behavior episode.
THanks Ashley.
Like Dr. J said, she was naked! She was probably licking and sucking on the fruit, rubbing it between her breasts and saying in a seductive voice, "Adam, you wanna taste my fruit?" How could he resist?
LMAO
Good jawn good sir. Good jawn. I echo pretty much every sentiment you've shared here. One thing I CANNOT stand is a woman who doesn't take accountability for her actions. Extreme turn off and a good reason for relationship dismissal.
@SJ
I agree. Nothing is worse that being with a woman who blames everyone but herself. I think also for me a woman who appears weak. I am one who is not afraid of a strong sister. SO I want a woman with a backbone and has not been ran over by people and especially men.
Good friggin post!
I have this discussion probably every 3 months because I meet women who love to beat their chest at how much accomplishments they have under the belt, but somewhere they pull the victim card. I remember when a relationship didn't work out and the woman I was seeing said "you tricked me." I tricked her? No part of my language was deceptive nor were my actions.
Sure, we've all known the women who have dated jerks and subsequently blamed them for the lowering of their self-esteem, ruined social life, etc. What's amazing about it sometimes is the amount of time and power relinquished to this abusive dude despite the fact that he has/has had a negative effect on their overall well being.
And yes: There are lots of black women that need to understand what the word accountability is. Tariq Nasheed (forgive me for the reference) said: "Men's consequences are swift and immediate…women's is delayed (or not as intense)."
I have to give this post the 110% (yes … the extra 10% is serious) co-sign.
Remember the "Do you, Do me" post a few weeks back, and the girl who blamed ho behavior of women on men. I mean … can we at least get blamed for something positive for once!
Hey here's something postive:
We yell: "turn on the light and lower the toilet seat" to a woman before she hits the threshold of the bathroom. That should settle things.
That post is exactly what I thought of when I read this.
Church.Tabernacle.PLanetarium(for all my scientologists)
If its one thing I loathe is the Victim card, especially when the women is at fault! Some women will try to twist a situationt hat they cause into a miscarriage of justice against them. They will try to pick on things you did to build a case for why they did what they did, and sometimes you have to check that person. You cant be the victim if your the guilty!!
Accountability is lost on people and if we look at the (wo)man in the mirror(no thriller) and perform a self assessment, we can truly see the right and wrong and understand the real!
What trips me out about the adam and eve debate is true adam had a mouth but the part that women seem to omit IS THAT ADAM TRUSTED EVE and he wouldnt think she would have caused him ill will. there is no way to chop it up she decieved him. what if it were backwards would they still say eve was innocent and that adam manipulated her with the apple?
Even if you trust someone, you stil have to have discernment.
You know this is like when you're about to have sex with a girl, you're in the mood, heavy petting ensued, and then she says, "Baby, where are we going?" The man gets pressured into saying things that he doesn't really mean. Because why? The woman is naked and seducing him.
Delilah ruined Samson on the same ish!!!
I can't blame Adam but so much.
Naw J, you say, "We going to have relations."
Its not that Eve was innocent…its just that Adam should have had the sense to let Eve rot in hell alone….I think that whole Adam and Eve scenario may have been a bad way to start off a blog about blaming other people for your own actions…lol
Exactly!
A man's weak moment is no excuse.. he should have snapped out of it, but since he didn't, two people are responsible.
Exactly. By using the same logic in the post above, Adam is responsible for HIS own choice as well.
whatever Lips n Cheeks, lol
THEY WERE THE ONLY 2 PPL ON EARTH! That was his WIFE! He had no knowledge of good and evil till he bit that apple, so if he did hed know that women are evil and would've told her to curve!! lmao!
LMAO. Streetz, swear.
If he had no knowledge of good and evil than she didn't either… But she did have some knowlege bc she disobeyed! And now Adam still has no excuse. SO there. LMAO.
Adam was good. She was the one who wanted to be all assertive and tell God to kindly FCKU his couch and eat the apple!
Adam came back like O word? God said it was cool? Ok, your right!
He listened and paid for it!
THIS IS WHY MEN DONT LISTEN TO WOMEN NOW!!
game.set.MATCH
LMAO @ the above.
Streetz, if Eve is evil then Adam is an enabler. I don't remember him leaving her either when she supposedly screwed things up. lol
Who was Adam going to leave Eve for? There was literally no other fish in the sea. (Well, not literally, but there weren't any other women).
@ Hugh Jazz – "Who was Adam going to leave Eve for? "
His hand, darlin'.
she called Adam an Enabler?
*idied.net*
Great post!
I completely agree pulling the Victim Card is NO BUENO. I have a friend that blames practicaly every relationship woe she has on Men. Nothing was ever a females fault. SMH… And I can't STAND Daddy-issues. Like seriously your a grown @$$ women now WHY are you blaming your father for somethin still. Girl Let go and Let God A succesful woman is one who uses the bricks thrown at her to build a solid foundation. You need to acknowledge the role you played in your own mistakes. Even if the other parties role was bigger you still played apart.
And uh… yea Adam could of said no she didn't force that apple down his throat lol. Regardless if she did rub it all over herself a man shouldn't be so easily led.
good post dude. i agree. women do tend to blame a lot of their problems on men acting like they had no part to do with their misery. the victim card gets played after a while. i'm not going to sit around and deal with your insecurities b/c your ex-boyfriend cheated on you, when i gave you no reasons not to trust me. that shit is for the birds.
This post was hilarious! I had friend once whose girlfriend picked a fight with one of the football players from our school(MSU) hilarious that that fool tried to "defend his woman's honor" got his ass kicked!
Good post, Dr. J! 'Tis some crazy women in that post of yours. I know them all too well. lol
"You can’t blame men for who you are. If you are a sexual deviant and you are doing all types of things like, threesomes, foursomes, smashing the homies, one night stands, group sex orgies, golden showers, pornos, webcams, etc. etc. etc. You cannot blame your Daddy, Grandfather, Your ex-boyfriend, Your catholic priest, NOPE, that’s who you became."
I'm not sure about this one. I guess I'm gonna go the "what if" route and ask, "What if she were raised in a different situation?" Nurture DOES play a role in people's lives and the choices they make. It would up to the woman to make a conscious choice and move beyond those hardships, but I'd think it would be difficult to apply logic to a situation such as this because a lot of it is mental and emotional. Things like "Daddy Issues" require therapy at times, but then again, I guess it would be her choice and responsibility to seek said help. I don't know, this is a touchy subject…
agree; i took a long pause at that paragraph. a lot of sexual deviance result in some type abuse. those things aren't just gotten over. now there are some that are freaks just cause, but i doubt that those type blame someone for their preferences.
Yes, I was waiting for someone to point that paragraph out.
"You are who you are because of your life’s experiences and the choices you have made. "
This line in particular is very contradictory. How are you not supposed to blame anyone when your innocence was lost as a child. Where at that point in time you are aloud, not to know who you are. And if these experiences shape our adulthood how can we not hold those people accountable who were supposed to guide us?? This goes for both men and women.
I agree that a traumatic childhood experience can influence a person's behavior into adulthood, but when do you get over it? Because X happened, they're excused for doing Y in perpetuity? Not to put words in Dr. J's mouth, but that appears to be the spirit of the post and the entire "Get Over It" series.
I have a friend who used to teach middle school and I was at his school waiting for him, we were rolling out of town that day. He had held one of his students behind after class. He was talking to her, and he was like, "Yeah, you've had a messed up childhood. But let me be honest with you, No One Cares. In the real world, no one cares." You got to get over it. No one is saying what happened or even trying to minimalize it. What i'm saying is, you have to get over it, and keep on keeping. Bad things happen to us all, some worse than others, what are we going to do, keep going around blaming everyone for them, or just let it go and keep on keeping on.
I guess "getting over it" is easier said than done. Again, logic and rationality can't be applied to familial abuse or other extreme circumstances such as that. Hopefully, one is able to grow from it and beyond it, but there is no set time that is the "right" time because each situation is different and each person handles it differently.
And this is a fine line I know, but I think there's a difference between noting something is an "excuse" for your behavior and noting that something is a "reason" for your behavior. I think the goal is to acknowledge that the past has led you what you are today (which is good, IMO and very self-aware) and if you want to grow beyond it, at least make an effort to try…as it will be difficult.
i JUST got into a fun loving debate about the blame placed on eve. fact, adam was weak. he should have stood up against the the manipulation the serpent used against eve, i mean he did walk and commune with God on the regular. i argued at one point that since our society has made satan male; a man that lead eve astray. it was a great debate, full on inaccuracies and blame but fun none the less.
i agree that people, not just women, should take responsibility for their actions. i also agree with a poster earlier that using the adam/eve analogy really detracts from the rest of the post. personally i skimmed it just cause i didn't want to hear about the ills/faults of woman against man. IMO
Yes, to begin the blog in itself with Adam and Eve story gave the post a lack of credibility so to speak.
You then go on to say, "take accountability for one's actions", but Adam gets a pass? Pardon?
Let me be the first to address this. Adam doesn't receive a pass. The parallel was to show how women bring men into situations. Could we discuss how Adam deserves as much blame as Eve? Probably yes. But please remember this important line, that should mute each one of the said arguments you make:
This is brought to you by the Get Over It Series, don’t try to flip this back on men, it’s about women, not men. “It’s a thousand you’s it’s only one of me.” – Kanye West
With all that said, please know that I know what i'm doing, this is chess not checkers.
Thanks for reading. Next week, i'mma really piss em off.
My intention was not to bring men in on it, although you did that yourself at the top of the post. I agree, adults need to make adult decisions.
Although, it would have behooved you to post an example of a man taking responsibility for his actions to further solidify your position.
Thanks for posting. I'll stay tuned. =)
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
@ Streetz:
"Adam was good. She was the one who wanted to be all assertive and tell God to kindly FCKU his couch and eat the apple!
Adam came back like O word? God said it was cool? Ok, your right!
He listened and paid for it!
THIS IS WHY MEN DONT LISTEN TO WOMEN NOW!!
game.set.MATCH"
- CHUUUUUCH!
@ Dr. J: Full co-signage here fam. Excellent jawn
@ Somethin Special:
"And I can’t STAND Daddy-issues. Like seriously your a grown @$$ women now WHY are you blaming your father for somethin still."
This is the absolute worst!!
Why is it the absolute worst? Im curious. Becuz for one I wasn't talking about sexaully deviant behavior. Everybody's Daddy issues don't stem from that. You cannot go through your life saying ooo I decided to do all of these things because my father/mother/cuzin didn't spend enough time with me. "He wasn't around" I'm sorry if we are all going to be adults then you need to act like one and learn to Let go and Let God to push past whatever you have been through. I'm a female my dad wasn't there all the time but I don't use it as an excuse I know females who cry daddy issues for EVERY ill they ever committed. I can only SMH… As for sexually deviant behavior as a person who works in the field of counseling I suggest you get professional help and move on. You can't sit and point fingers for the rest of your life… Note.. when i'm saying you I don't mean YOU Smoove… lol hope that cleared it up a bit.. if not *shrug* U can't please everybody and Im only out to please God anyways
"And uh… yea Adam could of said no she didn’t force that apple down his throat lol. Regardless if she did rub it all over herself a man shouldn’t be so easily led."
Gotta agree. There's more to life than gettin' a nut. (pause….)
Like what?
2 nuts? [||]
You ain't right, Streetz! LOL!
Whatevs, J. I blame my man for EVERYTHING! My motto is that we start from the premise that he did it, and it's his fault. We can move forward from there, lol.
Of course I'm kidding. Sorta. Now kindly share your very excellent post about personal accountability with those whinin' azz baby daddies as well. Because nobody pulls out their Victim card quicker than a man paying child support.
@Somethin Special:
Point noted. I said its the worst because the last few gf's all played the Daddy issue card. I in no way meant to trivialize any serious underlying causes. I just get tired of hearing it.
Well said brotha, well said. Stop making excuses and start taking back control of YOUR life…
"I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul." from "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley.
I'm new to your site and while I have appreciated some of these discussions, the example used with the Adam and Eve scenario is a bit skewed in the way you describe it. While I agree that women cannot blame men for everything, the same should be applied vice versa. Your argument is based on a premise that you've created insinuating "women started it all" by showing man a piece of fruit. "Chile' bye"….Adam had as much of a choice as Eve did, and if we delve deeper into the text with him being her "covering" he failed as the leader/rib donator. Additionally, Adam did not know Eve was NEHKUD until after he ate from the tree of knowledge, so all that, "she seduced him" and all the jazz….iSLEEP. "Now i’ll let you in on a secret, it’s damn hard for a man to deny a woman dressed in her birthday suit." I digress. I understand the intent of your argument was to let folk know, don't point one finger, when you have three pointing at you. We can argue all day about what came first the chicken on the egg (i.e. whose FAULT it is)….the bottom line is that everyone has responsibilities. It appears that the women that some of you have dealt with have more often than not, pointed the finger of blame. Hopefully, one day, you all will have to chance to meet/date/court/marry the women that DON'T do that in your futures….I look forward to further discussions. Thanks!