****** Admin Note ******
Since Dr. J brings that fire, and since I anticipate napalm being spit with the last post … I want all my women to breathe, be calm, and then go ahead and vote for us in the Black Blog Awards … before you get all bothered.
-SBM
**********************
You’ve all been waiting for this conclusion to an epic series and I hope that this installment doesn’t stop short of what you had expected because I really put a lot of thought into where I would go with this one. To recap, we’ve touched on: You’re Single, and It’s Your Fault – We talked about how your stubbornness, inability to see the need to improve and over-confidence has contributed to your loneliness. Men are Judgmental – We talked about how no matter what you would like to think, men will always be judgmental, so you have to keep that in mind. The Wizard of Oz – We talked about the tools that women should have in order to make them better; a brain, a heart and courage. The Garden of Eden – We talked about how women bring men into their wrongdoings and their issues and then have the nerve to blame the man for everything. Last, but not least, Why You’re a Ho and He’s Not – I think that title spoke for itself, at the end of the day there are things that men will get away with that women will never get away with. Overall, just stop being difficult.
Well, ladies, this last installment is really no different, when I ask that you all please just get over yourselves.
The first point I want to make is simple; You’re not a Diva, DJ Class would not consider you the shit, Ne-Yo does not think you have your own, you may be conceited, but you have no reason, and boo boo you do not run this town, not tonight, during the day, or even for 30 seconds when no one is watching. You are, who you are, stop fronting! I’m trying to figure out why so many women are on the dance floor belting from their lungs, Ne-Yo – Independent Woman, and not thirty minutes before said event they are standing outside upset that they have to pay cover to get into the club for the open bar. Here’s a hint, people who have their own, don’t waste time trying to bum-rush an open bar. They don’t mind paying for a drink if it gets them peace of mind. If you are on the dance floor and you are dancing your ass off to DJ Class – I’m The Shit and you look to your left and your right and there is no one dancing with you, guess what? You ain’t the shit. You’re just a mean old fart.
Also commonly overlooked is the simple fact that; No one cares about your story (I am going to get in trouble for this one). There are countless stories about women being the way they are because of some messed up thing from their past. Maybe you have a bad relationship with your mother, maybe your father was never around, maybe you were forced to grow up too early, you might have had a baby at 15 from your Uncle who was 39, you may never have graduated from HS, you may have been engaged and found out your fiancé was cheating on you, there are reasons upon reasons upon reasons about why something is wrong with you based on your past. Listen to me closely, no one cares. No one cares about your story, they only care about what you are doing now. They only care to talk to you about the fruit, not the labor. You are going to have to move on from the past. And I understand, trust me, I got my ish too that I’ve had to deal with, but at the end of the day no one cares. You don’t get ahead in this world because somebody feels sorry for you. So stop feeling sorry for yourself, and stop sharing your story with just about anybody because you want them to feel sorry for you too. You have gained weight, haven’t left the house, stopped wearing makeup, spend nights alone crying and binge drinking. You blame your ex-boyfriend of 4 years who you recently found out cheated on you with some big girl who do tricks. My advice? Men cheat, get over it.
The third point is something that goes both ways, YOU DO NOT GET CREDIT FOR DOING WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. “I’m a nice woman who knows how to treat a man.” Ok… and? I’m sorry, but that would be great if it were some type of added bonus that wasn’t what should already be aiming to do. I should give you credit for being wifey material? As opposed to what? Not wifey material, it’s not okay to not be wifey material so you gets no bonus. You will get a bonus for going above and beyond. If your girl cooks, that’s great. If she calls your mom up to find out your favorite dish and recipe; you better get on your feet and applaud that young lady. (And then wash the dishes, you lazy fool.) While I’m on this subject let me first let all women know that it is totally okay, if you do not know how to cook, or do not like to cook. Here’s the secret, don’t tell anyone that. You can very easily get away with never cooking by just never offering or preferring to eat out whenever asked to cook. Just don’t say dumb sh*t like, “I can’t cook” or “I hate cooking, I’ll never be the type to be cooking for my man.”
As we conclude this series, it’s truly about when you finally realize that it’s not about everyone else it’s about you, you will find that everyone will see that in you and be attracted to you. Whether that be romantically, professionally, with your friendships or people whom you are a role model to, people are attracted to those who are constantly looking for ways to better themselves. I have said this in some form or fashion in each of these entries. I think that the biggest mistake that we all make is looking at everyone else and then saying, but such and such is doing… Who cares? I had to make this change personally in my life. I would tell myself that things weren’t that bad because I could think of someone who was worse off than I. That made no sense whatsoever. The fact of the matter is that I’m not as good as I can be. When I look in the mirror when no one is around, I think that there is room for improvement. Every day that I skate and allow myself to be complacent rather than keep transcending I’m failing. It doesn’t matter that most Black men are incarcerated or never graduate from HS or some other messed up societal affliction. What matters is that I have the potential to be a great and successful man and that’s who I should be.
I’m done here, I really appreciate the fact that you guys have been gracious enough to bear with me. I’m not writing another series… I know I owe my ladies something on the foolishness of men. And next week I really am considering my dumb [negro] ish post, but I just don’t want to be left holding the bag that the cat usually sleeps in. I’m interested to hear your thoughts on this final post and also the series in general. I think that I should say now that my goal was not to really antagonize women, or even argue with you. But I feel like when you read these blogs you have a bunch of writers who give women a sense of false security. But when we are sitting around drinking beers and watching football, this is what we really think. Not every guy is as stupid as he lets on. He just acts stupid to avoid stupid arguments that he can’t win anyway.
This is brought to you by the Get Over It Series, don’t try to flip this back on men, it’s about women, not men. “It’s a thousand you’s it’s only one of me.” – Kanye West
Food for thought, don’t let it go to waste,
Dr. J is about to gracefully bow out.
"Every day that I skate and allow myself to be complacent rather than keep transcending I’m failing."
I SWEAR TO YOU my Dean told me these exact same words….I now live by them
i really have to applaud this post. up until this point it has been my favorite so far! "I think that the biggest mistake that we all make is looking at everyone else and then saying, but such and such is doing… Who cares? I had to make this change personally in my life. I would tell myself that things weren’t that bad because I could think of someone who was worse off than I. That made no sense whatsoever."
This quote speaks volumes because so many of us (including myself) have been caught in this very cycle and then become complacent towards doing better themselves.
Thank you for some very good words this morning!
Standing Ovation! This is a great post and it really touches the key issues with people specially women. We rarely take the time to look at ourselves and think about how we can become better individuals instead of concerning ourselves with the Who, what, where, when, why and How of everyone else.
Personally I have been guilty of some these points, but in the end I have realized that if you do things for yourself and are genuine the recognition factor becomes irrelevant. It is very easy to look and judge everyone else instead of starting with the wo (man) in the mirror!
MJ said it best "If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change".
Great post
Standing Ovation! This is a great post and it really touches the key issues with people specially women. We rarely take the time to look at ourselves and think about how we can become better individuals instead of concerning ourselves with the Who, what, where, when, why and How of everyone else.
Personally I have been guilty of some these points, but in the end I have realized that if you do things for yourself and are genuine the recognition factor becomes irrelevant. It is very easy to look and judge everyone else instead of starting with the wo (man) in the mirror!
MJ said it best "If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place, Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change".
Great post
Very good post… you are gonna step on some toes (unfortunately those toes are prolly not even the ones reading it.)
they need to get those toes done then, no shots hahahahaha
Good post brosef, couldnt say ti any better!
Indeed – good post today, J. Keeping the flame to "do better" burning for yourself can be a challenge, but it's certainly worth it. I agree with RedLady that this is your best post of the series. As far as the series itself, I can understand that you're giving the ladies a little tough love. Sometimes I think you forgot the "love" part. But overall – good writing, very provocative. Keep it coming.
GREAT POST!
And I think this ought to be a pamphlet passed out on the street!
I agree with all points except the first, because I am the shit, a diva, I got my own and I run this town. thank you very much. LMAO
very valid points about stop feeling sorry for yourself. I'm still iffy on nobody caring about your story–I personally do, but I care about people in general and our experiences do shape who we are–but I do agree that you shouldnt' let your past hold you back. I'll agree most people don't care though. YOU are responsible for the person you become–not daddy that wasn't there. and I absolutely agree that you shouldn't worry about what the next person is doing, God moves in your life at his pace, and you can't run the same race as other people–yours is designed JUST FOR YOU.
I agree with you 100%. I am interested in hearing the story to just so i can understand why a (potential) SO behaves the way he does…and on that same note i do agree that you can't let your past dictate your future…
You're kinda harsh, but OK I get your point. However I think women self reflect way more than men as a whole.
Love it and love you. Very well written. I feel pretty much all of what you're saying. I looveee and hate the no one cares about your story part. On one hand it's so real because people make excuses and/or they feel special or feel like there shit is unique and thus they have the "right" to be difficult or whatever comes easy to them without effort. It's true people care about what they see and who you are not so much where you came from and why you have certain baggage or short comings, but at the same time our stories are part of what makes us unique and for anyone to love us or even be our friends they need to understand our stories. But I feel you, a lot of people let some bad shit from the past hold them back and then throw sad stories around looking for pity parties. Not attractive.
Dayum, you went harder on this joint than any of the other posts, Dr. J…and I gotta say it's my fave!
I'mma go harder than Baltimore….
Hmm, I've always thought things such as those mentioned in the topic, shouldn't be spoken on. Just go ahead and get on with it. If you are what you claim to be people will just notice it by you DOING it. If you have true success and you're an independant woman people WILL notice it with out you having to blurt it out in every conversation. Same applies for men. A guy once said to me, "don't cross me, you don't know what I'm capeable of" …if you were REALLY capeable of such"things" you'd keep your mouth shut.
And also …I once had a conversation with my girl about her loose antics she said "But my father wasn't around all the time" …I just replied with, "I haven't had a father figure since I was 6 years old, what is your point". People always tryna find excuses to give them a free pass from getting criticisim.
This is definitely one of THEE best post I've read on this site. I was very pleased with the series. Although, hard to read at times it was very thoughtful and most importantly, HONEST. Constructive criticism, hard or soft, is good criticism. And like I tweeted to SingleBlackMale "@RENEGADE_C: @SingleBlackMale women are hard on each other, but the perspectives are all the same, aint nobody sayin nothin new/different". This is definitely new/different. It's refreshing to hear what men think about women and relationships in their language–no fake shit, no sugarcoating…
*throwing my grandmamma's church fan at you* You gave us the business on this one! Reflection is good for the soul though! Agree with others that post is the best. It's a truth that will never grow old and will need to be repeated every now and then.
Bravo, SBM!
" YOU DO NOT GET CREDIT FOR DOING WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO"
i really agree with this point. it bugs me when women do it. how would i look talking to a woman and the following word came out my mouth: "well i'm 28, i have a degree AND i don't have any kids." i would hope that woman would roll her eyes and walk away from me.
This is Temps but I am replying under my company name…the blog is up baby!!!
I will get on board with the excuses.
Listen, he didnt lie-he never said he wanted to be with her, in fact they really never spoke on it. What happened is these two nitwits started screwing cuz he had "stuff" that she found oh so convenient (and he only brought cuz he knew she'd react in said manner and therefor deflecting any real critique on who is this man). Also some men wouldnt have his "toys" had he not got the Other Chicks pregnant forcing him to get a car. As for the pad, he got when the "best" of his 3 BMs' co-signed the lease with him, she only left it with him cuz of their son. Tons of women go for this guy, he didnt change or isnt lacking in ambition, she saw his stuff and filled in his blanks. He conveniently has everything so now all he should do is "settle down". Simps dont confess what they really want to do-if when ordering food you assume he like steak he'll just nod in agreement to avoid conflict-yet its only thru conflict and adversity does one develop (or someone) sees true character. These men never have to answer for themselves because the women rush to speak for them.
I have run into a slew of black women who dated and worst had this mans (fourth or fifth, third…I done lost count) baby. And soon as the child is born like a welfare couple dude is out. Never to return. And she's alone-independence, degree and income all nullified, shes now just another baby mother on the IRT. So stop with the "he had it goin on" no he he didnt. He had a crib and a whip and some disposable income. Having it going on is buying your mother a house, paying for you nephews college tuition. Not some swanky bachelor pad the shes diggin. There was no plan at all. These men are louses -was one before she met him -was one when gettin her pregnant and is still one for not helping with his kids. It just goes to show you how powerful materialism and sex are. And just how selfish some women and men can be. I dont even believe its about monogamy and the special someone crap. Its about CONTROL get the wildest dude hit him off with the gusshy and watch him "act right". Also these days we date wanting the Other to have the entire buffet upon meeting them especially women-be one iota short and you get no love. Ironically these duds the women overate put them in the same position they thought I woudla put them in while strugglin in school. Seems like ppl think when dating someone they ought enhance their lives and create a life of Peaks – no valleys EVER. Whatever happen to being broke together, eating our PB&J's, saving for unique things couple do-why do I have to live in some trendy part of town just to date a women with a degree? In other words ladies stop picking selfish small minded men. Because I dont know what its like to have two cars and a bangin crib at 26-I was in school. After all who wants to find out when stuck with their son and cant go out on a regular date cuz they cant get a babysitter on a Sat nite-that on now they see their BF was a selfish SOB. Thats what you call a pyrrhic moment of clarity.
From people 25-35 years old…
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
-That's enough, Nickelback.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (SOOOO TRUE!)
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent some jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies"
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem….
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles…
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.
lmao @ "Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”,
all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart"
this was by far the best post ever. I didn't read the other part of the series though…. ruh-oh…
"But when we are sitting around drinking beers and watching football, this is what we really think. Not every guy is as stupid as he lets on. He just acts stupid to avoid stupid arguments that he can’t win anyway."
THE MUHFUCKIN' TRUTH HERE FAM.
CO-SIGN
You got me with "no one cares about your story". Sad, but true. I don't make it a point to explain to guys why I can't trust most of them… because even if they do feel sorry for me I'm sure that doesn't make it any less of a turn off. No one wants to deal with someone who has a lot of emotional baggage. SO instead I've started going to counseling to work out my issues rather than blaming everything on men… because even though they helped construct some of my emotional problems.. its up to me to fix them and I don't have to stay in this negative male-fearing state of mind. Thanks for putting that one up there.