Here at SBM.net we get a lot of emails … a very very healthy amount!
Since we offer one of the few places in the whole wide internet where a woman can ask some men a question, and get an honest answer without us trying to smash you off later … we draw many looking for answers.
Considering I read every single email, I can honestly say that a lot of the questions fall into one category. One questions/situation presents itself so much that I can predict the rest of the email from the first 5 lines. One question that is afflicting so many women, I developed one answer to apply to every single woman asking it. Yes … all of them.
I’ll give you fictitious email to show you what I mean:
Dear SBM,
First and foremost … I love you. I have dreams about us at night, I see you when I close my eyes (although I’ve never seen you), and you have brought me to the highest peaks of ecstasy with your words. I love everybody on the site … but you move something deep within my loins … oooohh … just thinking about it.
Whew … let me get control of myself.
I have a problem though, and I need the insight of you, your crew, and all the great readers on your site. Can you help me?
I’ve been seeing (read: sleeping with) this guy for [between 6-18 months] and all has been cool. I told him [or he told me and I agreed] that we didn’t want anything serious. The “relations” has been great, and I love everything about him. He’s funny, cute, and everything I wanted from a man. I don’t know what happened … but I’ve fallen for him. I want to be in a real committed relationship, and I’m tired of this FwB nonsense [although I agreed to it in the first place].
What do I do?
Ms. Lost in [name black metropolis] aka rubbing myself as I think of you
Yes … quite possibly the most asked question the SBM.net staff receives from the beautiful women who read this site is: How do I go from being the FwB (Friends with Benefits) into being the GF (Girlfriend).
Well, I have bad news. The chances are close to zero.
Not zero … but as likely as Kanye not acting the damn fool at an awards show.
But, I will say … there is a clear cut process to follow that will get your answer, get you moving in the right direction, and get you happy again. And the best thing … it’s soooooo soooooo simple!
SBM’s Clear Cut and Proven Method for Jumping from FwB to Girlfriend
Tell him “I want to be your girlfriend!”
Yes … that’s it.
I know asking such a question isn’t the easiest for a lot of women. Your not supposed to ask, he is supposed to chase you, blah blah blah. If that was working, you wouldn’t be just his weekend beat. If your already in the FwB situation, and you have decided that you really want to be with this guy, then it’s time to take action.
The key here though … interpreting his answer. There are 3 possible answers, and I’ll explain each one in depth.
Yes … I want you to be my woman and be in a real relationship
Immediately go and play the lottery or head to Vegas, because it’s your lucky day. You have defeated the odds, you have managed to “jump ladders”, and you have won. You now have the perfect man, go ahead and be happy. This is the least likely response … by far.
No.
He might make it sound nice, he might be kind, he might try and prevent you from crying, but if he is nice enough to be honest with you, don’t be mad. You knew an FwB situation does not guarantee you a boyfriend, and this is the second least likely response.
I don’t know, I need more time, or anything besides “yes or no”
Go ahead and just translate that into “no”. I know there are a lot of guys who might be mad at me for this, but I gotta do it. A lot of women can already see through this BS, but even more can’t. He does not want you, he doesn’t need more time, and he knows what he wants … easy beats. I will admit that I have told this tale before, and its just a way to ensure the poom poom stream doesn’t stop, while not entering into a relationship. There is a small chance he really needs more time, and will change his mind, but there is also a chance Halle Berry is going to read my site and declare her undying love for me on Good Morning America tomorrow. Let’s just say, I wouldn’t hold my breath. This is the most likely response, so be prepared, and remember the translations.
Now, armed with your answer and info … it is up to you to decide if you will stay on as an FwB or leave. Just remember … hope is DEAD! Proceed at your own risk. But … who wants to give up good regular beats? And smashing down a bunch of new guys will make you a slore … sorry.
Take this newfound information, and go get rid of your cut buddy man!
Am I right? Have I stopped a few hundred future emails? Am I talking out my arse?
SBM aka “You know I like you … do we need a label?” aka “Weak Game Playas” favorite hater
damn homie…Game is to be sold…what part of the game is that?
Looooool luv it
*clap clap clap*
thanks for tellin the truth. and it is the truth, ladies. most of the email questions would be thwarted if people would just be realistic. i mean honestly, when your homegirl was in a similar situation, what did you tell her? your turn! tell yourself…
I think deep inside we all know the answer to this question. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not…
Since I also see the emails from readers, I gotta co-sign this post. I think parents need to start teaching this to their daughters…at a mature age of course…whatever that may be.
ur an idiot… lol
I STILL don't get why that for so many women sex = relationship. Sex is sex, it doesn't guarantee anything but a sweaty good time (and sometimes not even that, lol). Men know a lot of women think this way and they are no fools to turn down a good time.
The thing is Smiley Face, for just about everybody they think they can have sex and not develop feelings, but that's rarely true. The female body actually produces a hormone when having sex that causes them to be attached. When women act like they can seperate sex and feelings, they're actually saying they have a chemical inbalance.
lol@ "When women act like they can seperate sex and feelings, they’re actually saying they have a chemical inbalance."
Its so true…I can't separate sex and emotions. I refuse to even try! I dont need to be an emotional wreck, wondering why he's not feeling me like I'm feeling him after giving him the cookies…lol
Oh I know that, but in regards to this post I'm sayin' if you know you are signing up to be a FwB keep it in that realm. You can't be FwB going out on dates all the time, calling your cuddybuddy up all day and chatting and making plans and all that good stuff. If you can't separate the two then leave it alone. Don't go in sprinkling fairy dust hoping for happily ever after.
"When women act like they can separate sex and feelings, they’re actually saying they have a chemical imbalance."
THANK YOU. Fellas, if you find a woman who can have emotionless chex, leave her alone. She has issues. I know it's hard to turn down the easy romp, but trust me, leave her alone. Most importantly,
whenif she slashes two of your tires, slash the other two yourself because then it's vandalism and the insurance company will pay to replace them."Most importantly, when if she slashes two of your tires, slash the other two yourself because then it’s vandalism and the insurance company will pay to replace them."
Really? Thanks for the info!
There's a difference between having "emotionless sex" and acting on the emotion you may develop from having sex. Some people can have sex without acting on their feelings but again if you know you are not that person, don't put yourself in that situation. Easier said than done though. Some women think that opening the doors to their palace will get them a king…instead they get the joker or the fool and the tricks on them. Sex does not equal a relationship.
I had to come back and disagree with something here. People keep saying chex doesn't equal a relationship. But for GENERATIONS before it has. Dare I say priro to the birth control pill and legal abortion. I think we've accepted the notion that the two are and SHOULD REMAIN separate. This allows people, primarily men, to get all the chex they want with out the societal pressure to enter into a public relationship with the woman.
I would beg to differ. I DEFINITELY used to be that chick that got all googly-eyed and attached after sex, but after having my feelings hurt a few times in undergrad I learned how to compartmentalize. There's only so many times you can have your ass handed to you before you start to wise up and build a damn shell!
I'm not fool-proof of course (you can't completely whoop the trick that is oxytocin!), but I've gotten to the point where I can keep those hormonal blinders off. I either accept the situation as is, or I don't get into it in the first place. No sense in putting yourself in the position to cry over a pipe dream that is never going to materialize.
So, in short, I wouldn't be so quick to say every woman can't separate sex from love. Some of us are starting to evolve!
I have to agree with close to zero.
I also wonder, when women tell men that they don't want anything serious, is that really true????? Like- are they just saying that so they can be the cool chick and secretly HOPE that he falls for them so they can become the main chick? (I've done this so I'm just wondering if others have).
Anywho, by lying to yourself (if that's what she was doing), she's shot herself in the foot. I think the guy already has in his head that he's got this cool chick that he can bang and she doesn't expect much from him… now if she tells him she wants to be his girl, she'll throw a monkeywrench in.
But I could be wrong- perhaps he wants a woman.
Relationships are about infrastructure. I think that FwB has to be broken down. Sometimes, you are really friends and then you guys start hooking up. After a while, you are like I like you as a friend, we are already hooking up, might as well just be in a relationship. And then there's like… you are only my friend because we are hooking up, if we stop hooking up, your presence is no longer requested. That's the place that most women end up in. People lie to themselves and say they are FwB, but really you're just f*cking. The term FwB needs to get a solid definition or i'm going to lose respect for it soon myself.
Very True, Dr.J.
Additionally, I think some wmoen know full well what they are and hang on in there with HOPE or they don't want to face the truth. Which is just as stupid.
I actually touched on the whole FwB vs. Cutbuddy situation awhile ago. I was gonna put a link … but didnt (so its here).
There is nothing worst than a jumpoff/cutbuddy who thinks she is a FwB. If you don't get called, and I honestly don't care how your day was, your not my friend.
http://www.singleblackmale.org/2008/12/03/fwb-jum…
This was a good post. Judging by the title, I actually expected you would blow smoke up women's asses, but it was right on the money. As far as The first comment about "…Game is to be sold…", come on, money. It ain't game to have dumb chicks choosing by selling dreams. I'd much rather have women choose a situation with me based on a realistic assessment of where we can go than based on some pie-in-the sky fantasy of shit that ain't gonna happen. Cuts the drama right out of my life.
THIS. Honestly, if thats the game dudes are running then game sucks. Sometimes honesty is the best way to be pimpin, pimpin. You have to think about the long term <del>riches and bitches</del> consequences of leading people on. I've been led astray and inadvertently done the same. Smarten up yall.
PS: If you dont want to say no because you're scared the poom poom will be cut off, admit it, internalize it, and move on. hahahaa
i agree with both of y'all. most times if you tell a woman exactly what it is you want up front she might be on the same page. now she might not stay on that page but at least you had that understanding up front and you didn't string her along. honesty is the best policy. i'm not about lying to spare anyone's feelings.
I think you can't even call it real game if your not telling the truth. That's the challenge, keeping her happy and around although she knows exactly what you doing.
It's like a simp who buys his way into girl's pants with trips to the Bahamas and diamonds, but then have the audacity to come around some real negros claiming "I'm a playa".
I think I just made myself nausous just thinking about it.
I agree…Once a man has that type of relationship with you, the girl is already placed in some "not wifey material" category. It's sad but true. That's why I stay away from FwB situations.
I actually thought about it since Im newly single….But, I dropped that idea real quick. I'll survive…lol
Btw, I love reading your blog (in a tiny collapsed window) while having my morning coffee at work…Its like my little ritual
Glad we could become part of your regular ritual.
Yeah … FwB (especially a jumpoff) is like a friend to a girl. You get put in a category, and the opportunities for upward movement in this corporation are gonna be hard. Call it the glass ceiling of dating.
the truth is hard to take sometimes and this right here is the TRUTH……. most times, the guys end up saying NO, cuz if he wanted u as a gf, he wouldnt have made u into a FwB……
Many women believe that their "platinum vagina's" are enuff to make a man fall head over heels in love and change them from their FwB ways … most won't become girlfriends because sex was the basis of the relationship from the start, you can't change the dynamic of the relationship *Point of No Return*
Platinum Vaginas … I might have to steal that one
Interesting. There is a lot of validity to this post. There is always that one can hope situation. A lot of times women get caught because they are not explicit in their requirements. FWB is fine but there has to be ground rules. Just like items on a supermarket shelf there needs to be an expiration date on it and you have to stick to it.
As for women being unable to just sleep with dudes without catching feelings I am not sure if I can buy that 100%. How many prostitutes do you know of who every john they had they now want to marry. Granted, we may have to put our mind to it to go hardcore like that it is possible. The thing is, that we get tired of that faster than guys do. There is a time in our lives for some of us when it is all about doing us and getting ours. All we want to do is past Go and collect our $200. A wise mentor of mine once told me that male and female every person you sleep with you take a piece of them away. Just as much as women get tired of that next one game dudes do to. The problem is that most dudes have convinced themselves that it is fun. Truth is that it all gets real old real fast if everyone stp for a second to really think about it.
It never ceases to amaze me how when this subject comes up, if a woman actually DOES know how to separate emotions from sex, someone is always there to shout "YOU LIE" to her. When will folks realize that EVERYBODY IS NOT YOU? ALL WOMEN ARE NOT THE SAME AND NEITHER ARE MEN. Although a lot of women may not have the ability to do this or even want to, there are SOME who can and do. I've had friends with benefits because I didn't want a committed relationship out of anyone. Anytime I felt I wanted a committed relationship, I'd move on to someone who had more on their agenda than just being a friend who got some butt here and there. For me, it's always been a problem with the man; it wasn't me who became clingy. IN MY CASE, their supposed feelings that began to manifest were simple selfishness on their behalf; they didn't want to end what we had going. I knew not to waste my time so I kept it moving.
When dealing w/situations like this, both parties need to be honest with themselves, as well as each other, and keep it what it is because most of the time, it really doesn't turn into a committed relationship.
"Although a lot of women may not have the ability to do this or even want to, there are SOME who can and do."
Valid point but as I have said on several posts, we don't make rules based on the exception to the rule. I don't think anyone is completely saying NO WOMAN CAN DO IT. But those who can are the exception so men should act based on the fat part of the normal curve–where most women fit.
Generalizations take an entire group of people and apply a standard to them that isn't really fair. Therefore, when I see/read someone say "women act like this" or "men act like this", I READ/HEAR it for exactly what was said (this group of people behave this way). When I posted my comment, I wrote it in reference to how I deal with things; being that I am "the exception to your rule", I disagree. Men should behave according to who they are dealing with. All women do not need or even deserve to be treated the same.
I'm guilty! I have developed feelings for my FwB. The reality of the matter is that if he put you in that spot he doesn't and will not respect you enough to give you an upgrade. I would rather go for the modified jump off option. Life is a bit safer there but either spot sucks after a prolonged period of time.
I agree , FWBS can go either way…… As someone who has been guilty of "catching feelings" before, its a lesson that you just have to learn THE HARD WAY.
It sucks. There are very few of us who can have repeat sex with the same person without feeling SOMETHING. So you end up with two choices:
1. Dont have sex at all unless its really worth it or you already are the "main" OR
2. Get your needs met but just be prepared to take the loss if it comes..
I know for me, I end up not having the sex I'd like, just for fear of whatever may come. But when I do, I do so knowing that we might just be FWBS, never speak again, ruin a friendship, whatever..You can never totally prevent the sting, but you can be more prepared. I've been through bad breakups before. Nothing I do now can even compare to that heartache… I just dust it off, move on, and try and look at the big picture. Which is if he wanted it, he'd let me know it.
No polite rejection, ruined friendship, or lonely dry spell is worse than being with someone who doesn't really want you or who has to think twice about being with you.
It's like gambling.. You may win, but you'll probably lose. So… enjoy whatever it is while it lasts…
I think women have a hard time dealing with the FWB titile. I think they trick themselves into thinking that they can deal with the situation and really cannot. So when the feelings come in fro mtheir end the dude is looking at her like WTH?? But I agreee with Dr. j when he says it must be clearly defined what it is so both parties have an inderstanding. Most people just do and deal with everything that follows down the line either because they want some, heat of themoment, or just don't care at the time.
Great food for thought. I got into my FwB situation well knowing all the expectations. I mean he had the goods and I complied–well because I wanted too. It was a grown woman move and I respected the situation. I was not trying to be number one and didn't wanna be number one. We still cool–we still friends. He's in a relationship and so am I now. We talk every now and then like homies. And that's all. Seriously you gotta know behand what you are getting into. No more is the excuse I didn't know or I didn't expect. You know from the jump if you diggin someone and you wanna take it to the next level or if it is just a eff. And besides we see this ish happen on a daily basis. Yo girl got played by the dude she was with or vice versus—so we know what to expect.
This whole post is spot on. But ladies need to know to NEVER tell a man you don't want anything–even if you are only dealing with him because you're trying to screw a 'Set of Five'*. Even if you know there's no way you'd ever publicly hitch your wagon to this dude, do not tell him that. It gives him a pass to treat you as jump off. Just pretend that you can see y'all being together for a lifetime and ending up with matching burial plots. Trust me on this one!
*Set of Five: Omega, Kappa, Alpha, Sigma, elusive Iota
Wow, so Iotas are elusive on all campuses?
I thought it was just ours.
They "sadly" ran our campus at one point. A bunch of people got kicked off, and my Freshman year they were the "hot" frat.
Yeah … my experience with Iota's was very different for many years.
I'm still trying to finish my set…damn those non-existent iotas.
I'm sorry Ms. Smart, but I think that is horrible advice. You want the guy to think you want more? Then instead of truly being able to enjoy you for everything and be honest, your going to encourage him to lie in order to "protect your feelings". If you know you just want dick, and you let that known in a non-slutactic way … everyone wins.
Because women mostly (see fat part of the normal curve) don't just want sex. See, men only want honesty when it benefits them. They want to hear that a woman doesn't want anything because the men can screw the chicks over (literally and figuratively) with no remorse because she is getting exactly what she said (usually a lie) she wants.
I personally avoid FwB at all costs. If we aren't in a relationship…u don't get my goodies! It's saved me a lot of heartache because i know i get emotionally attached after physical intamacy…it may not work for others but it works for me.
While I do think FwBs do work out well for a lot, I agree that it's probably not for most and best to avoid it then have your ass caught up later.
Yeah, it's not gonna happen. This one is simple. I dont' know why women do that. Let your expectations be known up front and then hold your ground…if he's not willing to meet them then don't buckle and except less in hopes that one day he'll come to his senses.
Newflash, he's not the crazy one. YOU ARE!
Spot on! The infamous FwB title. I've been there and will never return. I've exhausted all of my free coochie givaways and haven't looked back. After being a FwB for 2 years my "friend" finally decided to call it off and its been the worst thing to handle alone. I was exclusive to this one person and now I'm exclusive to only me. I miss the companionship terribly, but I don't miss feeling like straight pussy. SBM I needed this banged into my head 2 years ago…smh
"Many women believe that their “platinum vagina’s” are enuff to make a man fall head over heels in love and change them from their FwB ways"—this is hilarious. Platinum Vagina LOL.
Good post. I would say the most startling thing in the post is suggesting that a woman tell the guy she wants to be the girlfriend. You know that's wayyyy too simple for us complex creatures! Really, the rest is common sense and as far as telling the game versus selling it, it doesn't matter how many blogs men write about telling women to see through the bullshit, there will always be women who find themselves in this situation. If that weren't true, your inbox wouldn't be flooded. In my Nino Brown voice: It's the American Way!"
Sigh.
Don't be FWB with a guy you want to be your boyfriend..that's what you need to tell folk. FWB relationships AREN'T exclusive..you date other people You keep your encounters to sex and then u kick his ass out the house.
This isn't rocket science.
If you realize you want more…stop the sex…tell him how u feel…if he says anything other than yes…move on don't keep screwing him.
Women need to stop playing games with themselves. If you know you're a chick who can't handle an FWB relationship then DON"T GET INTO ONE.
Simple.
I agree … only those who are ready to handle the FwB need apply.
But i don't know about smashing the FwB then kicking them out right after. That's a jump-off. Lets remember the difference people.
Uh…there all the same in my book.
Too much "hanging out" leads to issues..not always 'cause I've had the overnighters, but for the most part the "hanging" happened B4 the sex…NOT after.
After you need to bounce.
I really appreciate this post. That is all
I really appreciate you appreciating it.
There isn't anything that I can add that hasn't already been said. Great post. Platinum vagina? LOL, you made me spit out my drink….
OMG this was the best read in a long time. Great advice and you are funny. Loved it from top to bottom and I definitely contemplated touching myself so you MUST be doing something right.
Signed
Your new regular reader
I've fallen victim to the Platinum VajayJay. Sigh… what a life!
I think a post has just been inspired!!!
This post is the truth.
I will say, however, that my situation turned into one of the "exceptions": FwB –> relationship. But these circumstances are terribly rare!
Something important to note is that we were friends for about 3yrs before we started…"getting closer". But I'm not painting the perfect picture- it took a while to progress to the next level.
Truthfully, it's really not that different than dating someone new. Yes, you're friends, and (if you're extremely close) you love each other on that level, but you still have to build a romantic connection. In fact, I think it's more challenging because in this case you've acted on your physical attraction with a true friend before dating and discovering what they might be looking for- you can either lose something dear or walk the path to a committed relationship; there's usually no gray area.
If you literally had no real connection before things became physical– you were cut buddies with absolutely no dating or effort involved (i.e. you weren't actually friends, never dated, and never felt any obligation whatsoever to the other person) then it's going to be quite hard to raise the regard that guy has for you and your situation.
My point is, these things can happen, but the chances of it occurring are 1 in…yeah. The most important factors are the people involved and, as someone stated earlier, the foundation of the FwB situation.
This was the only time I had a FwB situation; it was hard enough traversing these waters with a man I considered one of my best friends– I can only imagine how much more stressful it would be if I didn't already have a solid base with him.
From experience, I'd say that women who cannot handle a no-strings-attached situation (which happens to be most of us) should be honest with ourselves and the men we encounter. I can honestly say I would've been devastated if things turned negative (because of our history/friendship).
Deciding not to be intimate or too close without feelings or a relationship doesn't require one to force the topic of relationships on men or be a hermit; it simply means date until a compatible man who genuinely wants what we want is found. That way the men who only want "a good time" are weeded out, and whatever time and energy that would've been wasted trying to convince the "FwB" to see you as girlfriend material can be saved.
This sounds like that Steve Harvey book. I like it, because I unfortunately fell for a FwB, but it was because I got mixed signals. Oh, well.
Finally … some decent advice from this site! After some of the fooly-wang material of the last few weeks I was getting worried about your intentions SBM! lol.
Ladies, if you started out the jump off, you will end up the jump off. There is no clawing your way out of that box. PERIOD. Let it go, keep it moving.
I must say I completely co-sign Meeka, AssertiveWit & Cameron, you ladies said everything I was thinking. And @streetz: thanks for admitting to falling victim to the "platinum vajayjay" LOL, it's not just a one-sided matter, happens to dudes also, although not as much, but it happens more than they'd like to admit.
lmfao… I kno I got put on to this site extra late, but I love it! lol, this was EXACTLY what I and ALL of my girlfriends needed to hear!