Why he didn’t call: Reasons men don’t call numbers they get

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phone-book-1

*flashback to college*

Minnie: “That’s so rude and mean!”
SBM: “What! How am I being rude by doing that?”
Minnie: “She’s probably crying somewhere right now!”
SBM: “Just because I get a girl’s phone number … doesn’t mean I have to call.”
Minnie: “You should at least give one try at a conversation!”
SBM: “But I knew I wasn’t going to call when I got the number. I just needed something to to while standing there a way to end the conversation. It seemed natural.”
Minnie: “SHAME!”

For many years in my youth, I thought “when a girl give’s you a number … she wants you”.  I envisioned her patiently sitting by her phone, checking it at regular intervals, and practicing the “casual line” she was gonna drop when I picked up so I didn’t know she was waiting for the call.  Misconceptions like this are perpetuated by romantic comedies (which I passionately hate) and while this does occur, I think they are significantly less women jumping off of bridges because they didn’t get a callback then “He’s Just Not that into You” would like you to believe.

After coming to this revelation in my “coming of age” phase, I no longer felt this unneeded burden to call every number I got.  Sometimes I had no plan to call it when I got it, sometimes I just got busy, or sometimes I was just “killing time” with got promoted making this new prospect unneeded, and sometimes I just never got around to it.  The point is, just like women who give their number out with little to no interest in a person, or women who you suddenly can’t get on the phone anymore … there is no guarantee you will hear from me again.

I don’t know how many women this confuses still, but I know I’m not the only guy … so as a public service, I’ll share:

SBM’s List of Reason’s he didn’t call you … even though your a great girl and he might really like you

He was bored

Have you ever been standing line a little too long and you strike up a conversation with the person next to you?  I’m an introvert … so only a true dime will prompt me to talk out of turn.  It doesn’t mean I want her, it means I just want someone to look at talk to while we wait on the slowest cashier of all time. And it’s easier to stare at your breasts if your looking at me instead of ahead. So, as a result of this boredom, I might try and get your number … just to see if I can.  Is it wrong … maybe no.  I didn’t promise you anything!

He has a girlfriend

As hard as it is to believe, guys with girlfriends will proposition women for their number.  Yet, he has no desire to cheat, keep options open, or even save it in his phone (I have several friends who literally pretend to put the number in their phone).  He might be bored (refer to above), he might want to see if “he’s still got it”, or maybe he needed to end the conversation (refer below).

He needed a way to end the conversation

Let’s say for whatever reason a guy finds himself in an interesting conversation with a stranger of the opposite sex.  Sometimes it’s hard to find a natural way to end the conversation.  Women HATE rejection! It has been well documented by us here before, that not trying “something” can actually get you classified as gay (I know … ridiculous).  So, in order to protect this poor girl’s self worth, you make her feel wanted (although you might do more damage by never calling … but whose thinking that far in advance).  And after you get the number, it’s easy to end the conversation, as opposed to “so … I really need to walk to the other site of the room” or “is that my beeper?”

Hunting for sport

While Native Americans never hunted more than they could eat, that is not the case with the average American. If you can hunt fish or deer just for the joy of the hunt … why not women numbers?  There is a whole skill to getting numbers, and if you don’t use it … you lose it.  Drunken bets also come into play. My Line Brother (who becomes an arrogant “ain’t no one prettier than mean” reggin when drunk) bet me he could get more numbers than me on his birthday. He enjoyed his birthday … but lost that bet. Don’t even remember what I did with the numbers.

Someone else stepped up

Most people are actively pursuing multiple people at any time.  From the time he got your number, until the end of the mandatory one day waiting period, the potential girlfriend might have proven her worth and rendered your number needless.

He was drunk

When that liquid courage is running through your system, bluring your vision, and enhancing you usually meek game … anything can happen.  The next day (after the hangover is gone), he might not be interested, saw you through sober glasses on facebook, or forgot he even got a number.  Another case of “blame it on the alcohol”.

So, the next time you meet a great guy while out and about, have a mind blowingly good conversation, give him your number … and never hear from him again except when your stalking him on twitter, don’t be surprised and don’t be mad.  It’s OK.  It might not be you.  Remember … life aint fair, especially when it comes to dating!

Guys, anything I missed? Women … feel me? Mad?

- SBM aka “Oh … my bad … my phone fell in some water the day after I saw you last month” aka I’m just pressing random buttons

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From Our Partners

  • http://alyssamilner.com alyssa

    I think your right on with these, if he doesn't call back move on he's probably not worth it anyway

  • http://andlooking.wordpress.com m. lauren

    It's like people get invested in these 2-3 minute shallow conversations that mostly consist of giving a name and a number.. and then start expecting something to come from it..

    I have given and received for every reason listen above.. there are millions of men around.. who cares if one doesn't call!?

    And if you really care that much.. get his number and stalk his ass.. ok j/k

  • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. naturally

    These are all good reasons why guys may not call. And they are all suitable reasons why I give out my number(bored, just for the sport- to say x many guys asked me for my number,drunk), and why I never returned the call(I have a bf, has a gf, i wasn't really interested, drunk, your cuter frat bro. called first. lol.).

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org SBM

      LOL @ the cuter frat bro. I hope that wasn't a little indirect shot at me and my story.

  • Dr. J

    I think the best way to describe it is hunting for sport. I call it catch and release. My thing is this if I really want to get to know you I'm gonna get at you up front. I'm not going to ask for a number without a date.

  • funmsdrebirth

    Great post. I like the reasons above, very true. When a guy doesn't call me after gettinhg my number, I don't stress cuz I know its not about me.

    Sometimes, I give out numbers not expecting any call when I'm also bored so its a 2 way thing.

    P.s- I'm subscribed to d site feed but not getting an email when a new post is up. Is it just me? Thank God for SBM's twitter alerts

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org SBM

      Not sure why the emails aint coming … there is a good chance you didn't use the confirm link, same thing happened to me on another site.

      A life with few/no expectations is the best way to be.

  • http://courtingolivia.wordpress.com/ Olivia Courting

    "While Native Americans never hunted more than they could eat, that is not the case with the average American. If you can hunt fish or deer just for the joy of the hunt…" You slayed me with that there.

  • http://whatdcpeoplehate.blogspot.com true2me

    Lol why does anyone get their pannies in a bunch over someone not callin? i went on a date w a dude, he blew me up 11 times, i never responded. he just had to know why i didnt call back. ugh. who cares, we kicked it once, obviously i wasnt interested. only in hs i can understand cause u will see that person daily, but sime random dude/woman? please

  • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

    I don't see anything wrong with it. In my past, I've gone to the club to see if I've still got it- knowing full well that I had no plans of getting at any man that approach me. I think what yaw do with the calls is pretty much the same.

    Perhaps the chick shouldn't gotten her hopes up so soon. (everybody needs to have a little cynic in them)

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org SBM

      I remember when I was first chastized for doing this, and I said that women just aren't sitting there waiting for my call back, no matter how good the conversation. Thank you for helping to put this argument of many years to rest … finally.

      • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

        don't get me wrong SBM, some of them are. lol…. I have a girlfriend who will evaluate a situation to death for why the guy is not calling her. LOL. I am chatting with her now.

  • Suki Dukez

    I totally agree…that's why I avoid getting in those situations where I have to give my number out. If he asks for it, one of three things happens:

    1) I smile and say I'm not interested ..and walk away (I've been followed though)

    2) I tell him I don't give out my number but I'll take his and call him (sike)

    or

    3) I just avoid the situation and make up some excuse to find my girls, the bathroom, the exit lol

    it's so sad though. I just saw He's Just Not Into You and the way women lie to each other about men that don't call, is absurd! No he does NOT like you if he hasn't called in …4 weeks… Keep it moving lol

  • http://reverie.violinstar.net Stephanie

    Those are some good reasons you have listed. I'm just glad I've never been that woman waiting on the other side of the phone. If I'm really feeling a guy, I will take his number and call him. If I'm not, I will give him my number (which is a wrong number). LOL

    I feel guilty sometimes though. Some of the guys look like they really took a interest in me calling them. They have that kool-aid smile on their face and a twinkle in their eye. "I'm gonna call you tonight, baby." Yeah, that's what you think. *giggle*

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org SBM

      I must say … I cannot condone fake number giving. I will admit, its really just as bad as getting a number and not using it, but … still … the bite is a little worst. When you get a number, you do actually expect it leads to something.

      Also, don't let him be the type to call the number in front of you … it will end badly … trust and believe.

  • http://ThinkPrettySmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

    I have used all of the above as reasons to give my number out. I would add not wanting to be rude to this list. I gave my number to someone last week who I have known for over a decade because I just didn't want to be rude. He asked and I know he's not crazy so I gave it to him. When I see him again, I won't mention it simply because I had no intention of ever going out with him.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org SBM

      See, that's a tough one because you actually know the person and you know you will see them again. I've had some female friends get called out in the club or somewhere else when they run into someone who they faked interest into the first time.

      IDK if I could repeatedly look her in the face afterward. That happened with someone while I was in school, and she looked to sad that I didn't call back.

  • http://twitter.com/streetztalk Streetztalk

    Let me throw a curve ball.

    I think women either give or accept numbers for the same reasons. In fact, I think a lot of women give these numbers as a "what if" scenario. If you call, she'll move forward, if not, then no harm no foul. I think these reasons are all on the money. Sometimes you get the numbers the get caught up with life to call. I've had many situations where you'll here from the person a month later and have the "I thought you were shading me" conversation.

    Liquid courage <del>and that Hennessey</del> will have dudes acquiring more numbers than telemarketers too. One tip for those with *ahem* sophisticated phones, is to place all those numbers in a "call back" category so you can search it from time to time to triage your phone book properly..

  • Nikki

    HA! This is funny. I've never found myself caught up waiting for a call, but when I do give my number out I almost immediately wish that I hadn't. I'm sooo the chick you can't get on the phone lol. I guess I just don't take the guys I meet at bars and club seriously enough to wait for a call or care. I acknowledge the club scene as a playing field and half the time I just want a dub right quick and go my way. If you actually get my number I was being nice. Nice n tipsy lol….

  • Fly…

    I really don't even understand why men ask for phone numbers. I like when they ask me if they can take me out to eat, see me again, do lunch sometime, etc. That way I can either accept or decline, and if I accept, I'll give them my number.

    9 times out of 10, when a dude (like a stranger at the club or on the street) asks me for my number, I give the strange face and ask, "Why???" I am not trying to get calls from a random negro tryin to cake at midnight nor am I trying to receive random texts talkin bout "Wuts up". Ugh.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org SBM

      The phone number is a classic throwback to the courtship process. Too often there isn't enough time for him to determine if you are truly worth a date, so a follow up conversation is needed.

      I will agree with you if there was just 5 minutes of dumb convo. But 15 minutes of an impressing talk may not warrant first date just yet, but does deserve some follow up convo.

  • http://www.max-logic.com max

    I think your reasons are valid, but I'm still not a fan of the scenario. Ultimately i'm inclined to think that this is more than anything an ego stroke – for both men and women. men like the idea that this woman is on pins and needles, taking her blackberry in the bathroom with her waiting to hear from him. and women like the idea of being sweated by a man, even if she has no interest in him.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org SBM

      But is any girl really in the bathroom on pins and needles? I really don't think any guy does this in particular actually thinking "yeah … she is waiting for this call … but I aint gonna do it. I'm the man". Naw … doesn't sound believable.

  • CPT Callamity

    I've just started giving out my business card. If she calls she does, if she doesn't, she doesn't. Usually I'll give a woman three rings. If I'm subjected to a voice mail, a no-call back or a "I'm busy" more than that then I easily ditch the number. Everyone is "busy" nowadays, but I think excuses as far as effective communication (with so many options) is flakey BS.

    As far as me calling her back…I used to get the number for sport but now I'm all business. If I ask then I have intent to use but (see first paragraph) I don't waste too much time with the chase. I find it wack that grown women play little games and have dumb arsed rules of when you're supposed to and not supposed to call, when is too soon or whatever. If I'm interested, I'll call.

    • Hugh Jazz

      I can't give out my business card. I used to, but had to reconsider. If a woman turns out to be nutty, I don't want her to know where I work and have my direct number.

    • Yonnie3k

      Once I met this guy. We weren't at a club, we were at a community/kids event. He was cute and we talked about our professions. We both have an interest in real estate. He gave me his business card. I was confused. Was this for business or pleasure? Was he interested? Was this professional networking? I never called him.

  • Peyso

    "forgot he even got a number" – This was me in a nutshell. I've also exchanged numbers and was too drunk to save the number so when she calls, I have no idea who she is.

  • http://www.sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com Tunde

    i've definetly done this before. i've gotten girls numbers for all the above reasons. i don't see anything wrong with it though. just like women give out their numbers to guys they aren't interested in. no harm no foul

  • HNIC

    to me its simple as this…..

    80% of the women want only 20% of the men.

    i would go to clubs (when I was in college) and lounges/mixers when I was in my 30's and it remained the same thing. the majority of the women would have their sights set on the same men, meanwhile the other 80% of men were there to get any type of action they could.

    the men who are in the 20% are use to getting the number and sometimes may just "hunt for sport"

    I seem to flirt the most (according to my wife) with women who would never have a shot at having me (overweight, ugly, old ,broke) and seem to be about the fun of manipulation. the "BECAUSE I CAN" factor.

    but im not most men, most men I know and all friends I know would call any number they ever got because any man thats single wants "booty" and a number from a woman could lead to booty so they will chase it…….. but then again thats also the men in the other 80%

    its gods cruel reproductive joke i tell ya

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org SBM

      Even when I was single, I still had plenty of reasons not to call a number I got. Usually "I just don't feel like it" bubbled up to the top of the list.

      • Fly…

        SBM: Just a random silly question, but you talk a lot about being in a relationship…if this relationship leads to marriage, will u change the name of your blog, or just give it up to the team of bloggers that contribute? Because technically, u won't be a single black male anymore…

        • http://twitter.com/streetztalk Streetztalk

          I can answer this:

          "SingleBlackMale: a brand name. Just like Pepsi a BRAND NAME. He stands by it, he GUARANTEES it. They don't know him anymore than they know the chairmen of General Mills"

  • Witty

    "A way to End the Conversation" is a PERFECT example..

    You think the person is nice, attractive even but the chemistry was only so-so…I will give him my number in order to "end" the conversation and leave him with some dignity especially since he was a nice guy…but I have no intention on picking up the phone when he calls..I know its messed up but I think it is better than rejecting him outright. Now if dude is a Jerk. Then I would take great pleasure in telling him NO..you can not have my number…lol

  • http://twitter.com/streetztalk Streetztalk

    Lets even discuss the evolution of the phone # baggin.. dudes will ask for twitter names, gchat names, aim, and all that.. at times its even easier! You would call that <a href=" http://www.singleblackmale.org/2009/08/05/technology... target=”_blank”>

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      that my dear, is not the move. the # is all you get first meeting. If it becomes more you can get the rest. but this is why I do not have my last name on facebook–you will not fb me and request friendship if I don't know you like that.

      some of yall invite stalkers in your lives. thats why you got folks in these innernets knowing too much about you (general you) now!

  • http://icecelia.blogspot.com umm.. cecelia

    i just tell ppl to find me on facebook.

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  • Seven

    I've never given my number out to a man that I didn't want to call me, nor have I not been called…however I think the worst case (for me anyway) is to really be enjoying their company and wanting more of it…and they DON'T ask for your number. This has happened to me and I was actuallly surprised by how "crushed" I was! (It's rare that I stumble across what I deem as the entire package) I later found out why…he was married…figures.

  • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

    LOL @ folks who pretend to enter the number. I've known folks to do this as well and have even considered doing this myself. And yeah, I feel ya on women hating rejection because so do men. And it's better to reject someone from afar than risk witnessing an emotional breakdown. I don't really do the wrong number* thing, I do the, "Give me your number" thing. That way, they can't stalk me via phone and I can conveniently "lose" the number.

    *Ok, I'm adding this because I recently realized that I gave the wrong number to a dude recently. I wasn't really into him (there wasn't much of a spark), but I thought his approach was cute. So, I figured it would be cool to do lunch with him because he seemed nice. I JUST realized I gave him the first three digits of my old cell phone number (the new one is very similar as far as the first three…only one digit off) and then the last four of my new one. I slapped my forehead when I realized (I did it again today when I was filling out this form and caught myself, thought about this past situation and then was like, "WTF did I just do"). Because I swear fo' gawd, I didn't meant to do that. I was probably out of it when he approached me (it was the end of my work day) Maybe it was Freudian.

  • JuicyJen

    OMG…Are you like in my head or something?? This weekend was the first time in like two years I actually gave my number out…In fact, I think I over did it…(gave my number to a male model…Oh gosh) lol. While recovering this weekend, I actually thought if any of these dudes were going to call me…

    But, the last time I gave my number out, guys were not calling girls until two weeks later, is that still the case?? And would a guy really NOT call if he actively pursued the woman?? I find that bazaar…

    But about the new age info exchanges, I have found it easier to give my email to someone than my number…I refuse to give FB name…Last thing I need is some lurker who decided to not try to talk to me, but would rather review my updates instead…lol

  • Yonnie3k

    This is kinda on topic, but I need some feedback:

    I hate when I meet a guy and I give him my phone number and his first point of contact is not a phone call, but a text message. It screams of "little boy" and "half-assed interest" to me. Its kind of a cowardly move, no? It makes a horrible first (I guess second)

    impression and if I don't ignore it/them, it definitely makes me less interested if/when I finally do speak to them. Am I wrong? Am I being too hard on these men? Is this why I'm single?

    • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slim Jackson

      I think it's a bit of stretch to blame being single on reluctance or decreased enthusiasm about responding to text messages.lol. How old are you if I may ask?

      • Yonnie3k

        I was half joking with that question. But in all seriousness, what I meant by it is, "Do I have unreasonable expectations?" Maybe the rest of the world doesn't think there's anything wrong with it and I'm the weird one. I'm 29.

        • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slim Jackson

          Nah. Your expectation is very legit and not outrageous at all. Texting a woman off the bat is a nice way to come across as tentative. I wouldn't do that. You actually reminded me of a post my homegirl wrote on my blog. She gives her perspective on what you're talking about. Check it out here.

          http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/texting-equal-co

        • http://www.singleblackmale.org SBM

          I will co-sign Slim's thoughts. I have often used a text as my initial form of communication, but that is almost always when I am only half-interested. Before texting, she actually would have just not got called, but with text I don't really have to try.

    • Vee

      I know this is an older post but YES! I so agree. Texting first is not a good look. People say I'm old fashioned but I am only 24 and if your text me first, I'm nexting you!

  • Mara

    Here is an audio of a great reason NOT to give your number out.
    http://melodymaker.posterous.com/the-reason-some-

  • ANONYMOUS

    ot bad sbm, cos im the master of this game,if at the end of any conversation, u ask for my number, depending on my mood i

    a)give it out,with no intention of blocking it after i can recognise ur number.

    B)ask for urs,with no intention of calling you.

    c)give it out, not expecting u to call even if i liked u….so with me…its a case of i dont even give it a thought.cos for me even though i liked u then, out of sight is out of mind.except u actually call the first time and we have great conversation.

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  • katey

    Yep if he doesnt call I Just delete his number from my phone and go out on another girls night out.

  • NaijaSweetz

    I rarely give out my number, so I can't quite recall situations where I was waiting on a call that never came. That said, taking a number with no intention of calling is misleading and, if for that reason alone, wrong. Also, would you be able to joke about the #'s you got "to see if you've still got it" with a significant other? I dare say that most guys wouldn't. I personally find the overall idea childish – particularly the conception of it as a sport. I wouldn't be crestfallen if a guy struck up some good conversation, asked for the number and then never called, but I'd rather be spared any amount of anticipation, however slight. I'd consider it a waste of my time, and only I'm allowed to indulge in that.

  • Elle

    Ok this is the thing I work for this family they had a big ass party that I had to work atending guests and cleaning . There was this cute officer it was,the first time I saw him we had a little chat he is cute and nice I didnt have the gut to ask him for his number im a,shy girl . So my friend told me to give him my nunber well at the end of the night I gave her the number to have her get it to him she did deliver it but I have not reseved any call or text. What should I think of this

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  • Dani

    I feel ridiculous for googling 'I gave a guy my number & he never called', but that's honestly how I found this article. Everything mentioned here is all good & well but it totally doesn't make sense for how I got my number asked of me. This guy had been coming into my work every couple of days & buying small things before finally seeming to 'get up the courage' to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful & ask for my number & a lunch date. I thought it was sweet, he seemed nervous & the words tumbled out of his mouth like he'd been planning & stressing about them – but that was several days ago & he never made contact. I thought maybe he had accidentally written down the wrong number & possibly thought I purposely gave him a wrong number because of it. I'm probably just making up excuses for a guy that isn't interested at all, but it seemed strange to me. We weren't flirting, really, it wasn't an easy way to end any conversation or anything. It was like he literally came in that day JUST to ask for my number. Gah. As someone who hasn't dated much in my young life [I'm 23], all this getting numbers & not calling business seems so ridiculous. Aren't we adults here?

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