****** Admin Note ******
Slim decided to take a vacation from blogging for a week (I think it’s BS too … feel free to throw rocks at him in the street), so we have the resident female making a comeback … Lisa Marie
- SBM
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When I’m in a relationship with someone, I sometimes wonder whether if we were to end it, would I ever look back and say “what the fcuk was I thinking dating this man?”
Despite my certainty while we were together, after the relationship has ended, I tend to wonder where the hell my sanity went “what I was thinking?” I know a lot of people experience this, so I figured I’d share my two most recent “what was I thinking” moments and see if y’all can relate.
Dating a Gay Shy Guy
Like the majority of women in DC, Atlanta, San Francisco, NYC, and any other homosexual hotbed of a city, I have dated a gay shy man. Of course, I don’t mean that he was openly gay and that I was dating him in an effort to somehow be the one to change him, but it was one of those situations wherein everyone we knew doubted his … ability to play for the home team.
Despite these doubts, I pursued the relationship and fell hard for the dude. I spent all my free time with him (weekdays and weekends), ran up my phone bill talking to him during the time that we weren’t together … basically did a lot of the things that new lovebirds do … except touch. Yes … during the whole six months of our “courtship” he never tried anything … nothing … at all … not sure he even thought about it. Laying up on my couch together … nothing. Laying in the bed together … nothing. Saying good night at the end of a date … nothing.
Now a woman can only take so many “I’m shy” excuses, so after a while, way too long of a while, I had to end it and start pursuing other men. This of course prompted him to say “What kind of men do you like? I like big, strong, black ones.” “What happened to your feelings for me?” I responded by saying “look, if ur gay shy, just say that ur gay shy, it’s cool, just be honest”. He wouldn’t admit it, so I had to cut him off altogether. Can’t date a gay shy man … can’t be friends with a liar … sigh … “what the fcuk was I thinking?”
Dating a Coworker
My company’s known for requiring its people to put in an extreme amount of hours. One result of this is legalized corporate slavery a lot of hot co-worker on co-worker action. In fact, it’s common to hear of people finding their spouse at work. So after breaking it off with the gay shy guy, I decided to follow the trend and give dating a coworker a try.
I am a pretty private person when it comes to matters of the heart, so this was a big mistake on my part, especially since my potential SO insisted on flaunting his feelings for me. It started with little things such as bringing me food at lunch time, walking me to my car as I left the office at night, stopping by my desk at random times for no reason. All of these things made me slightly uneasy but I was able to live with.
But they soon led to annoying habits such as discussing his feelings for me with coworkers and writing notes such as “I love Lisa Marie” or “Marry me Lisa!” on the whiteboard. Suffice to say, I had to file a complaint with HR end it and move on. I should have known better than to try to mix business and pleasure … although gettin it on in the conference room was cool though “what the fcuk was I thinking?”
Although both of these “what was I thinking” moments resulted in frustration, heartache, and/or embarrassment, they weren’t completely negative experiences as they helped me to better realize what I do and do not want and can and cannot tolerate within a relationship. All in all they helped me to learn to make better dating choices in the future and gave me stories to tell and look back on and laugh.
So what about y’all, anyone else ever dated someone you suspected was gay, but did it anyway? Anyone get it on with your coworker? Anyone have any other “what was I thinking moments?” If so, share and let us laugh at you learn from your mistakes.
Lisa “I really thought I could be the one to change him” Marie
I dated a guy that I suspected was gay, as well as everyone else.. not that he didn't try anything but he was just overly metro sexual and particular..
I really don't think he is, he's just anal.
This same guy was also a co-worker. lol. Never again. And it didn't help that our workplace was something like a high school.
I' ve done BOTH. The gay, shy guy, not on intention. I suspected he was gay, but I asked him straight up…"Do you have sex with men?" his reply "Hell no, why would you ask me that?". Now I ask every guy that I deal with or am thinking about dealing with. I went out to visit him a few times, but this last time…clearly…all of his friends were gay, and his tendencies became more defined to me. The nail on the head is when we returned from seperate beach trips…I signed on to facebook and saw him boo'd up with his "friend" like he was a chocolate drop or something *DEAD*……
Co-worker…it was def. a thrill, but after the thrill is gone, it was hell from that point on….Ill never date where I make my money again.
I attended college in a very rural all white region of the country. An unfortunately, the black man dating pool was not filled with any qualified candidates…(unless I went after that cross eyed BBall player from detroit).
So I dated a hemp necklace making, hakey sack kicking, tribal graphic drawing white boy whoes parents gave me the evil side eye every time I came through. This dude was Emo X10…like to the point of awkwardness…He would get all sensitive..Not the cute sensitive, but boohoo crying "baby please hold me" sensitive…
I stuck around for a few months because he was different, kind of cool and I needed some attention…lol. But it ended and till this day, I pretend like that ish never happened :0) Out little secret…
Question
How was the D game of these emo dudes? Getting pumps seems to manly, I can't see a pacifist being able to pull your hair and get-her done.
It was mediocre… I can’t speak for all emo dudes, but this one was just average…lol. I think he was a little intimidated by me. Being his first black girl and all, he had all this preconceived ideas of how things were suppose to go…lol
We were only intimate a handful of times…lol. I remember being concerned that he was gonna cry afterwards…Luckily that did not happen…Cause I would have been OUT like handicapped parking at the Special Olympics.
I dated a gay guy. Not a guy I suspected was gay, or a guy others thought was gay, or even a guy with gay tendencies.
He was just gay.
I went to a college known for ugglebunnies (unnatractive people) and pickings weren't slim: they were none. This guy, who we all knew was in the closet was trying to force himself straight. He asked me out several times before I agreed to go on a date.
He never tried anything. No kissing, no hugging, no hand holding- which was what I expected and why I agreed to go out with him. (I was only going for the free dinners.) He was really cool people and we became friends in the process.
Within a few months of our "dinner series" he started attending LGBTQ meetings and hooking up with other guys on campus. Him and his current man have been together for the past 2 years.
I dated a guy I suspected was gay. He was cute, funny and we had a lot in common. Go figure. I remember one day telling my friends I thought he might be gay, and one of the the guys said "if you suspected he was a wife beater would you still date him?"
I thought he made a very good point!
Luckily I've never had the gay shy guy.I didnt have the coworker experience in high school. I worked at Dunkin Donuts and my FWB was looking for a job, so I plugged him in and he started the next day. Needless to say the next day on break we found ourselves in the employee bathroom gettin it in. After we were done he gave his notice…lol…We remained cool for years…
I've never had the gay/shy guy or the coworker but I have had a few a$$holes. Like when you know from the get-go that he's an a$$hole and you do it anyway. And then I look back and say to myself 'what the hell was I doing with that a$$hole?!?' and then turn over and give my new a$$hole a little squeeze
ok…Whats up with people getting it on at work? I thought that only happens in the movies??? Are you guys crazy? What if you get caught? Would it really be worth it? I'm just curious…
I've dated the gay guy and the co-worker. They were the same guy. And though to this day he's never told me he's gay, I believe it in all of my heart. It took me a while to catch on. And we had chex too. Lots of it. But it seemed like I always had to initiate physical contact. And he was definitely a pretty boy, metrosexual type. Which is so not my type. But he was nice, respectful, fun, responsible… basically all qualities I look for in a potential partner. Eventually I realized a spark was missing. No passion. I woke up, listened to my instinct, and let that go…
Coworkers… um.. this is a touchy subject, I will say this can work. But be mindful that because you probably met this person as a professional acquaintence and the foundation of your relationship is such, that he/she can hide behind that whilst still being just as CRAZY and deraaaanged as the next one. I think this comes out more when you meet someone romantically or socially and you are able to see who they really are first.
Gay… This will really bend your noodle. I have FOUR ex-siginificant others who are now lesbians or bi-sexual. I'm not sure how I feel about it most days, like on one hand, was it me, and on the other hand, was it me?
Perfect people breed failure… this is THE ghost of my past… I have a tendency to date women who are like the perfect woman. They also usually are hiding these traits under that: horrible anger management, a need to be accepted by everyone, perfectionist who must have everything done a certain way, or they start to think they kool-aid really is the bomb.com. I've learned to stay away from this type now, (after almost getting ran over by a car), I really think that perfect people don't exist they are just very good chameleons.
Don't ever think that you are the exception to the rule… this is a ghost of mine too. If when you met her, she was cheating on her man or the dude she was supposedly "talking" to at the time. Do not think for one second that she won't do this to you too. If a shorty tells you that she is always in serious relationships and is just looking for something casual. DO NOT think for one second that in a few months you won't be having a conversation about why you only see her for sex and she wants more. There are no exceptions to the rule, brethren.
Great post, thanks for it. Lisa Marie.
Prefection is God's work.
It wasn't you honey…
So if guys aren't looking for perfection, do they then settle for Pookie with 3 kids and 4 different baby daddies because she gotta fatty?
Clarification, lol. A 10 is perfection, 9.5 is still flawed. Pookie w/ 3 kids ain't gonna cut it.
til this day i'm not sure if this guy is gay but if next year someone tells me he's dating a man i would not be surprised. It started dawning on me when he would take 3 times as long as me to get ready. One day he called me gushing – so of course i'm thinking he got that job he was praying for – no it was a pair of shoes he saw that he must have. And that's not so bad, but it was the topic of our discussion for 4 days straight… THEN I started noticing the mannerisms, the "love" for his boys and it all went downhill after that. Can't even hear the name without cringing…
Some guys are just really into fashion, dear. I can't say that. He also might not be overly mascauline. Does he take it in the ass? Does he have male friends who spend the night over his house regularly, just the two of them, and that male friend has no girlfriend? Does he not like having regular sex with you? Tries to go anal all the time? When he's hanging out with his boys do they go to places that the normal straight crowd in your city go, or to off the map spots? Does he tend to disappear for hours when heanging out with his boys without any access to phone, email or text/bbm? These are signs of gay men. Not because the guy is into fashion.
Next thing you know people will think Nigel Barker is gay.
Nigel Barker isn't gay. This guy I'm talking about just may be. Forgive me for not being as informative as I should have been. There were other signs. For one, the subject matter of our conversations: he would always talk about really weird gay-what-if situations. Like a man's girl screwing another man in the ass with a dildo while he watched. He was always amused when people would ask if he and his best friend were gay. Things of that nature… Just because a guy is into fashion doesn't mean he's gay, I know that. It was just on day four of endless conversations about how this pair of shoes he wanted would look so good with his different outfits, I started to question. It was more of a catalyst, not the reason. Get me?
Got it, I understand more now. In fact, those what-if situations are usually a giveaway. I forgot one too… Men who wear makeup to cover blemishes. This is borderline Kappa style level here and a semi-indicator of gayness. #noshots
One of the best parts about chex is the thrill of doing the Taboo. Its a liberating feeling when you reach a level with another person to conquer an action that society tries to rule out. People are looking to push boundaries and try something new.. that is why Co-worker backshots feel so good.
We all grew up under the post Clinton or Clarence Thomas scandals. We know how HR departments work to curb inappropriate behavior. If people keep pushing us against something, we are only going to enjoy it more when we get to experience it. That is why I would do people in this damn office I am typing in right now that I would look twice at in real life. Plus you spend more time with them than you do your acutal S.O. I had multiple workplace jawns. I never really performed well in the office (I'm a take my time kind of brother) usually take it to the crib and get it in. However the morning after IS TERRIBLE! And I gotta blame myself. I really failed at "acting normal". All the comments I would normally say to a co-worker seemed to not fit this J.O.'s new role. Meanwhile all my J.O. game couldn't be said in a work office. I was young and happy with what I got. Looking back at it, I feel like a left alot of good pomps on the table.
Umm….I might be seeing someone who may or may not be gay. Okay so he tends to start his conversations with "Girl let me tell you," he pays for our dates (expensive dates) without trying anything (ie..kissing, holding hands, etc), sort of metro, he ordered a virgin pina colada (this sort of bothers me), all of his friends are female (white chicks at that) and he says he does get hit on by men and then laughs about it (He also repeatedly says people think he's gay but he's not). We're not serious or anything…but I have yet to ask the question "Are you gay ?" Oh-he's a haitian..not sure if this adds to his stigma of possibly coming out or not..But with these mannerisms…Am i correct to assume he is????
Haitian has nothing to do with it… but a haitian man who pays for your expensive dates and doesnt try anything…. its not lookin good chief lmao
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…………………
you are doing my island wrong. Wrong sister.
What he raised in Haiti or here? Some of his actions could just be cultural differences that have been lost in translation. But honestly, until you mentioned that Haitian part… my gaydar went off.
hmmm, imma have to say he's definitely gay. Haitian or not "girl let me tell you" coupled with the fact that he has all female friends is a dead giveaway. i say go ahead and ask the question and see what his response is….make sure to stare him dead in the eyes when you do to see if u can tell if he's lying.
I asked my "gay" potential S.O. this multiple times, and the answer was always no but i obviously came to believe the opposite in the end….one more strange thing was that he refused to let me or any other or our acquaintences in his apartment under the excuse that it was always "too dirty"…I figured that he was trying to hide his live in gay lover or something, idk
Um…does Mr. Haiti always order vegetarian meals or always watch his meat intake. That's another confirmation…
I think she was just saying that the fact that he is Haitian may be why he won't come out of the closet. B/c culturally, it may be even more frowned upon that normal.
oh okay…because the American culture, it seems to be more "trendy." Even in some African American families…
lets see. i've never dated a woman whom i thought to be gay or a co worker. i have had that "what the hell was i thinking" feeling often though.
i used to date this girl that was a little bit hood and rough around the edges. i guess i dated her because it was a change of pace for me and there was rarely ever a dull moment. i saw her while i was home and she went from bad to worse.
there are a couple of women who i thought were drop dead gorgeous when we dated but now when i see them i think to myself i wouldn't give them a second look if i met them present day. it's not even that they changed that dramatically as far as physically. i guess people change and so do their tastes.
Hey now. I've been known to be a little "rough around the edges…" Define: when from bad to worst? Like to have an idea of what you generalize as "hood" or "rough around the edges."
hood-i go to pick her up from her house and she lives right next door to the trap house. her brothers are bangers and she blows more bud than snoop. these are just examples by the way.
I’m going through the co-worker mess now and trust me this will be the first and the damn last, i really love the guy but damn we can’t work together anymore! it’s so frustrating! but i must say sex at work is awesome…getting it in on boardroom tables, at desks, in the bathroom it’s one of the most exciting parts of this.
Too bad I don't have any co-worker prospects. That sounds hot!
I haven’t dated an guy/shy or a coworker but I have date an extra emo guy. Not a good look. I dated him long enough to bring him home to my family and he ended breaking down in tears at the table much to the chagrin of my family and friends. That was an awkward Thansgiving…
I believe I know this story.lol.
**Death by blog reading**
I love my gay best friend! We've been good friends since 6th grade. I developed a crush on him right before transitioning into high school. My family told me he was…but I didn't want to believe it because when the crush died, he admitted to having the hots for a chick in our class. Long story short, he "came out" to me winter of 2005, maybe. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I said, "if my ex is gay after I date him, I would think it's something wrong with me…"
Either way, he takes me out on the best dinner dates when he is around and buy me the best gifts. About two years again, I he gave me a GPS.
Fast forward a little bit. I met a guy at my lil hole in the wall spot in Hayward. We were doing a lot of flirting while playing a game of pool. He had on a white tee, shorts, some clean sneakers…ball cap. His mannerism was very masculine (maybe a little hood). So we get on the topic of relationships, and he openly tells me that he is bi! I kept saying huh like he said something in a different language. But after the third "bi" I got it. I was more appreciative than disguisted. He quickly when into my cuddy buddy category. Kind of wanted him to be the local Will to my Grace.
Haven't had a full blown co-worker fling. Did go out with a co-worker a time or two at a previous location. It wasn't bad. We definitely kept business seperate from pleasure.
Good evening, HAPPY HALLOWEN!!!