This past weekend I got the book thrown at me. No, I didn’t get arrested this time. I’m talking about that “The 5 Love Languages for Singles” book by Gary Chapman. In my perusal of blog world and even this here website, I’ve seen women repeatedly mention these golden scriptures. I guess that would make sense with yall, the ladies, being the more lovey dovey EMOtional gender. Let’s just admit it. No point in denying the obvious. In all seriousness though, when I’ve seen this book in the past or heard women going off on one of their soapbox sermons about love, I’ve typically just stopped listening and focused my attention elsewhere. After reading through this book, I kinda wished I hadn’t done that. This isn’t too say that I don’t still think that the opposite sex has the most mind-boggling complexities on this earth, because I most certainly do.
Having the book thrown at me (literally) this weekend may have been one of the best things I’ve had happen to me in a while. I sorta felt like I was reading Girls 101. Now for those women who haven’t read the book and all the men who I’m sure haven’t read the book, Gary Chapman breaks it down into the following 5 Love Languages (in no particular order) that people like to give and/or receive:
- Physical Touch: He’s not just talkin’ about rubbin’ her breasts or strokin’ the ego in his jeans even though those things are incredibly important. It could be a mouth hug, a kiss, a massage, a cuddle, a rub on the back or shoulder, etc.
- Words of Affirmation: Aside from “I love you”, this includes all those emo things that a lot of men don’t like to say because it compromises their inner G. It also includes simple stuff like “I appreciate what you did for me” and “Your booty lookin’ right in dem jeans gurl.”
- Quality Time: This could be quality conversation, a walk in the park, a day of shopping (migraine), a trip to the movies, or a thorough spoon session on the couch with or without forking. It’s time alone together where you’re just focused on each other. How sweet. This is crucial for an LDR!
- Gifts: Some people base how you feel about them on the gifts you give them and how much thought they think went into it. So fellas, if this is her primary love language and you tell her all the emo stuff that you’d never say within an earshot of your boys and then you proceed to give her a gift that she doesn’t think is “thoughtful” on one of the gift days, you’re doomed.
- Acts of Service: This can be a dude going over to shorty’s crib to set up the complex a$$ furniture she copped from Ikea, or it can be her coming over to clean his crib because she knows he had a rough week at work. Some folks judge love or the feelings of a significant other by how much it’s proved to them by what’s done for them. Sadly enough, I think this one gets people hurt the most. Dude comes over to “service” her and she thinks it’s love language when it’s really just nut language.
So these are the 5 Love Languages. As I mentioned in my Gifts snippet, folks have a primary love language that they want to receive. Where I’m pretty sure we all eff up is determining what that is for the other person, communicating to them “in a way they can hear”, and reinforcing what we need ourselves. Based on all the dealbreaker and wish list posts, I’m sure most of us will have no problem stating our needs, wants, and no-no’s. As for my own primary love language…
Well, I’m the self-proclaimed AND world-renowned Sultan of Spoon and Colossus of Cuddle. So maybe my primary love language to give and receive is Quality Time. Wait. Spooning is touching and I like kissing, rubbing, and forking. This means I’m primarily physical touch? **Scratches head** Ehh, well I know I suck at gifts and I’m not huge on receiving them. I also know I’m not big on judging what someone does for me as an indicator of how they feel within reason. And as for words of affirmation…yeah girl, I love you too.
So if you’ve read the book or this post made sense, what is your primary love language to give and to receive? If you can’t narrow it down to 1, then pick 2. Also, have you ever cut someone off for speaking in all the tongues except the one you needed? Did you even tell the person what language you speak? C’mon folks. This is an easy one. Or is it?
I don’t wanna talk. I just wanna hold ya,
P.S. How fitting that my post goes up on November 17th. Happy Founders’ to all my Omega Psi Phi peoples qka Da Bruhz! Hooks, barking, hopping/strolling, kicking, and licking etc.
I have this book and love it. Really, it should be a relationship prerequisite. Kudos to you for starting AND finishing it! If a man (or woman) can't read this and get something out of it, then really there is no hope for you. With that said, I'm all about the Quality Time. And quality time for me has to include turning the cell phones OFF!
I'm definitely quality time w/ some physical touch . I've noticed in all of the relationships I've had, these 2 things were the most important to me. Gifts and words of affirmation aren't only fillers for me. It's the quality time and physical touch that shows me love. And the acts of service are always appreciated. I love giving, as well as receiving in these areas.
The problem arises if you and your SO have very different love languages. Then, if you are committed to the relationship, you have to learn how tho give your partner what he needs, and be able to effectively communicate your needs.
I've never cut anyone off b/c we spoke different languages. But I have had a relationship fizzle out because we could not get on the same page, the love became hard and difficult, and we decided to cut our losses. Looking back, I think we could have gone longer and stronger if we were more patient with each other, and more understanding of each others needs in the relationship.
I probably could pick one, but I would't cuz I'm pretty sure if I didn't give/receive all 5 the whole thing would be pointless.
How ironic is it that Mr Mister JUST ordered this book from Amazon?!! LOL!!
Anywho…definitely:
Physical Touch…I love it when he's not even paying attention but just reaches out and touches me…like he can be on the phone and I walk by and he'll touch my shoulder or rub my back…LOVE THAT!!! Gives me the "aw sukey nows" lol
Words of Affirmation…he is so great at that…he can say three random words or phrases (besides I love you) and I'll be on cloud 9 for like a week!
Quality Time…he is the KING of it. Mr Mister is busy Sunday through Friday and then on Saturday evenings (he is a musician and plays for 2 bands and 2 churches and will pick up a side gig if someone calls him….in order words, he is on the grind constantly) but he makes the most of the time we DO have and will tell folks NOPE, not today…it's Smiley Face time. As busy as he is he ALWAYS makes time for me and it's always something different, whether it's showing me how to run a buttonhook or going to a wine tasting…this man knows how to do quality.
Smiley Face, I hate you. And by "hate," I mean I'm really jealous. Where is MY MR. MISTER??!! Your guy sounds like a winner.
I agree with this list. That is all.
ROOOOOOOOOO
Church. Tabernacle.edu!
Acts of service are my specialty!
Happy 98th fellas!
i would say that my love language to give and receive would be physical touch and words of affirmation. good list too.
happy 98 bruh
I haven't read this book yet, but I think the point is that you can't really say what your love language is to GIVE. You have to see what your partner's preferred love language is and then give that to them – and communicate to them what you like to receive.
I think my love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. Making gross generalizations I know, but I think physical touch is probably in the top two of most men's love languages.
Great post. I'm definitely Physical Touch and Acts of Service (a little clarification: things like mowing my yard…maintenance on my truck…helping me paint a room, etc).
It annoys me to no end for someone to tell me daily or even every other day that they "love me" I need you to SHOW me! and I definitely will show you in return.
I've always said that the key to loving ANYone is to know what their definition of love is.
I'm a sucker for love. Receiving words of affirmation is key to me. I miss you, I love you, you looking sexy today, etc etc, automatically boosts my self esteem for the day. I also like physical touch. It's not about sex all the time. Sometimes I just want a hug, a kiss or to cuddle. Massages lead to sex. Just wanted to share that.
I personally like giving acts of service. I'm a very helpful person. My boo asks me to come over to help him clean up, put something together or even to cook for him when he is feeling tired. He loves it when I help him put things together. He think its so cool. One time, I helped him put a grill together. Well, I did all the work. All he did was get the tools and watch. Lol.
That 2nd paragraph made me wonder something new. I kinda wonder how the "independent woman" and "Do that ish yourself" attitudes have affected people's abilities to communicate as it relates to this post?
i would have to say 1,2 and3 i love to be touched in a lovin reassurin way and to be woke and told how beautiful i am and if u go out ur way to see me even if that means web cam chattin while on ur lunch break at work that means alot to me
Wooow. This is a good post and now I've got a book to add to the list. After reading these I can tell some of them appeal more to me than others of them but I still really have no clue which of these I'd say is my language of love. I know that my dad set me up on a road to failure early on w/ the Gifts one. He can't get w/ the words of affirmation all the time so he's a gifter. I learned to accept his love that way but I can't say that gifting is the only way I understand love. I haven't really had a SO, so I need to think about this. Hm…
I do know that I am a gifter… & I do acts of service a lot. Hm… So after you know what language you 'speak', how can you tell what language your SO 'speaks?'
The book goes all into how to find out someone's love language. The short answer is to ask. lol. It seems like a simple conversation to have, but I know first hand that it isn't that easy.
Good Post. I had never heard of this book, but think I will order a copy or two. I am definitely 1-3. When my sweetheart and I were first dating, I remember times when we would be doing something simple like sitting and reading the paper together and he would just elbow me. At first I was like 'WTF" and then other times he would just reach over and touch my arm. I learned those were just his "Mighty Marine" way of showing a lil bit of affection while still "maintaing his inner G" as you say. Those little things along with just doing nothing together still mean a lot to me.
So did he elbow you like he was telling a joke or like he was playfully trying to knock you over? I been sitting here trying to figure it out. If I elbowed the booski, I'd prolly get punched in the arm.
LOL- no it wasn't anything major it's just a slight arm movement kind of a silent "hey" No invitation to get all WWE Smackdown.
Sorry for grammar typing from an arkward touch screen keyboard. I just cut off a 7 month dilemma because we weren't communicating well enough. I mean we would talk on the phone everyday and see each other about once or twice a month. Kinda LDR except we live about an hour away from each other. I jist didn't care to see him all that much because he bore me to death and he hardly ever complimented me.
I absolutely need words of affirmation and acts of affirmation. I absolutely need quality time in that we could hang out and communicate as very good or best friends. I have never been into physical touch unless I super turned on and I have yet to experience anyone who could do that for me.
To clarify I have yet to met someone who turns on my mind so much that I'm actually physically turned in their presence. I may have fantasties but once I'm on the presence of the person I fantasized about I'm completely physically turned off. Lol I find it strange too.
Not too much of a gift acceptor if from anyone other than my parents. I feel slightly uneasy and guilty when people other than my parents give me gifts. However I love love love giving gifts. I also will jump for acts of service I love to help folks out if and when I can within reason.
I haven't read the book (putting it on my "to read" list now) but I've done the online quizzes, and had my boo-thang do it as well, and it was one of the best things I've ever done. He is a "words of affirmation" person and I'm a "physical touch/gifts" gal, and it knowing that just made things make a lot more sense. He would get upset when I didn't say anything about the previous night's festivities, when in my mind I was thinking "Um, you were there…. couldn't you tell how much I enjoyed it??" when in reality, according to his love language, he needed to hear the words.
I was kind of surprised by the "gifts" results for me, though, because I am NOT a materialistic person. But thinking it back it made sense because it used to make me so upset when my ex-husband either got me nothing for birthdays/holidays OR got me something that was not "me". I don't need expensive things tho….. I've cherished handmade earrings that were my style more than a $400 bracelet made of gold hearts (bleh!!). I like receiving little thoughtful things that show that the giver knows me and thought about me (I was once ecstatic when my friend sent me a box full of Chick-fil-A sauce to cheer me up).
This is interesting. This is a very good book, and I also took part in the quiz. It was shocking to see how heavily I lean towards a language. I am heavily a Words of Affirmation chick and unfortunately I rate low on the Physical part. But knowing this about myself, makes me work harder and consciously towards it in a relationship.
I'm in the middle of reading this book myself! Love it so far! I found out that my primary love language is Quality Time, followed by Words of Affirmation & Physical Touch tying for 2nd place. Can't wait to use this info in my next relationship.
Oh, and I'm jelly of Smiley Face and her Mr. Mister too! Go girl
Virgin poster…Yayy!
Cosign on all those points…
I like my head rubbed…LOL…that is all…
Nice summation, I have the book and discussing it with my SO earlier on in our relationship really helped us come to a mutually satisfying place.
This is one of the most important issues in any marriage relationship. I was happy to read these messages. Learning and using the LANGUAGE of LOVE of your loved one(s) will aid you both in communication for many many years. I talk from 30 years of marriage. We have walked with the Lord and seen many challenges. However the importance of living a real life a loving people around us and relating to the men and women where we live let's us help them and met their needs. Our life is for our Father's use and we all know that is real fun and rewarding. Thanks everyone. DonH4 of the OC.
PS Thank you for this site.
I want
the money; money and the cars, cars and the clothes..f* the hoesit ALL. That is all.Ok, ok, fine. Truthfully, I'm multi-lingual, and can appreciate a man who is as well. My most fluent languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch. I mean..they kinda go hand in hand. His Español to my Français..oohwee! Thing is, I was a hermit up until very recently, and I still very much value my personal time & space. When there's someone on my mind, however, I just look forward to those moments together, preferably all cuddled up and playing friendly games of Lip Locking/Suckling & [soft] Tongue Wrestling. I kinda love it when, throughout the night, one partner turns to face the opposite side, and the other automatically re-adjusts to assume spooning position. It's the little things that make me go "Mmmm…." [insert contented sigh of reminiscence here]
Gifts have played the least important role in any of my dealings, although I certainly have no qualms with either giving or receiving
getchya mind out the gutter!. I major in Words of Affirmation. I love to support my babe and remind him that he's some kinda special, especially when he seems to be in doubt. Sadly, I can't say that I've truly received that treatment in kind.Lastly, I was born with Acts of Service on the tip of the tongue
yeah, I know..I keep walking right into it. I can't say that I've ever done anything big though; it's just things to help out where I can, which is my way of showing that I care.[goes back to cuddling/spooning revisitation] Mmmmmm…