A few things you should know about SBM (me):
- I want to get married. I’ve always looked forward to hanging up the jersey and getting out of the game
- I currently have a girlfriend who is … well … the absolute f*ing greatest.
I want to get married. I know with a name like Single Black Male there may be an incorrect perception that I’m some swinging Hugh Heffener type of bachelor who plans to stay in the game forever … but that isn’t the case. I am a firm believer in marriage, and while I feel too many guys are unfairly rushed into it, it still is the best route for most of us.
But even with my lifelong goal of a happy marriage, a happy 2 orgasm a day wife, and some nobel prize winning kids … I have no desire to endure the long and arduous process to reach marriage. My hatred for the traditional overpriced, over-planned, and reason for a bunch of people I don’t care for to get drunk on my dime non-intimate wedding runs deep, but even before I can lament on that … I must endure the dreaded proposal.
Yeah … I want to get married without a proposal!
The “I” in the title tells you that this might not apply to every man. There are probably some guys looking forward to this magical moment. Some poor simptatstic (yeah … an SBM original word) individual looking forward to getting on one knee and waiting in that awkward moment of frozen time for a response.
Uh … not me.
In traditional SBM fashion, let me spell out the reasons that this “momentous” event is something I dread.
She could say no
While I know that as a man I am genetically endowed with the ability shake off rejection as if it never happened, this rejection falls into the category of “super rejection.” While I can take a girl refusing to give me her number or thinking that I’m not the greatest thing walking (I kinda am) … I don’t think I’m prepared to handle an unfavorable response to “Will you marry me.” My skin just ain’t that thick.
The Preparation
For those of you who know me, I like to do things … right. Not saying I have to do it big with fireworks and pointless expenses, but everything I do needs to be well coordinated and properly executed. While most things have well established guidelines that I can adhere to (there are whole magazines dedicated to wedding for example), a unique and well executed proposal does not seem easy. And given the fact that it might not go the way I want, I have no desire to put in the work.
It’s all for her
While I am a firm believer in doing what I need to do to make her happy, I also have a duty as SBM to stand in opposition of outdated traditions that 100% favor the woman with complete disregard to the man. The whole thing ends in a 10 minute finale that I get to stress over for months and she “oohs” at for an hour, when realistically most people know well before hand if it’s going to happen or not. Seems like a lot of smoke and mirrors so she has a story to tell her girlfriends.
The f*ing ring
I have been overly focal on my hatred of engagement rings. If a proposal is the Super Bowl, then the engagement ring is the New Orleans Saints (you knew there were gonna win). A whole “event” that should be about one man asking marriage of his special girl, but really it’s just a countdown to seeing the ring.
As with valentine’s day, foot rubs, and cunnilingus (scratch that … I like doing that) buying flowers … a proposal is another thing I must do to live up to my title as a good boyfriend/fiancee/husband. I have accepted my fate and when the day comes, I will make sure it is something to write home about.
But still … I will loathe the proposal.
Am I being extra? Am I the only guy who feels this way? Are there any women who think the elaborate proposal needs to be put to rest like the Colts’ hope of a Super Bowl ring?
- SBM aka I want the marriage, but not trying to work to get there aka I don’t wanna be “single” forever
SBM Sir,
You are being a tad bit extra, just a tad though. After announcing a proposal, the question that follows starts with "how". I'm simple so its the thought that counts, as long as its not when I'm sweaty coming home from the gym. A proposal is one of those things that goes down in history. Your wife will tell her loved ones, then one day she might tell the little SBM's, and the story will continue. The fireworks part is unnecessary, but I still think that men should put a little "umph" into it..BTW many of the best things in life require preparation and a great execution. Since you like doing things "right", you might be able to do the simplest proposal the right way, and it may just top the charts.. Great Post
SBM this was a good read brother. I do understand how you feel. I'm a single black female and to be honest I could care less about the elaborate engagement or the elaborate wedding. I've been engaged before and when my ex proposed to me (in front of his ENTIRE family) I really did not want to say yes. I felt obligated to say yes because I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his family and everyone else inside of the crowded restaurant! We had not even discussed marriage and had just started back dating only a few weeks prior (broke up previously bc he moved to Germanyand we decided to just be friends). But anyway proposals put us women on the spot too! My ideal situation is to be dating someone…and I'm sure we will eventually discuss marriage…and just agree to just tie the knot. Lol I don't want a big wedding either. I want something intimate…intimate as in me, him and the pastor. That's it!
In most states, you'll need to have at least 1-2 witnesses! LOL, But I know what you mean. We had 24 people at our wedding including our daughter, the entire wedding party and family.
His proposal was very private: in the middle of the night, we were falling a sleep just 2 weeks after discovering I was pregnant with our second child.
total engagement time: 6 weeks… and he didn't have a ring!
After celebrating our 9th anniversary March 02, 2010, only he still wares the same thin silver band I almost forgot to get him :0).
I deem proposals unncessary, but I definitely want one because it's tradition. Yea, I want to tell my girls about how manly you looked down on one knee with a nervous sheen of sweat covering your forehead and your hands and voice shaking as you popped the question.
That's just mean! LOLOL
On a more serious note, though, the idea of marriage can't be a surprise if you plan on proposing to this person. Touching on what Kels said, marriage would have already been discussed in our relationship so when I see my partner down on one knee the surprise would come from hthe proposal itself, not the idea of marrying this person. Having already discussed marriage (and agreeing that you could see yourselves together forever however long the marriage lasts would hopefully eliminate the worries of receiving "no" as an answer..
And this almost seems redundant. If we already talked about marriage and we both know we want it … can't we just avoid all the formality and just start planning the wedding (or the elopement ideally)???
How would the conversation go?
"I know we talked about marriage a few months ago and I think it's time to should start planning the wedding."
I'm really curious.
You're being a bit extra man….you don't have to fly her to Paris to propose. Seriously every part of a relationship is work (in some form)..and you're talking about marrying your Girl but don't want to propose…? What kind of sense does that make? You make me wonder sometimes, SMH. Only you know what works in your relationship. Have y'all ever even talked about marriage or is the fear of saying no just hypothetically thrown out there?
If you want to keep it simple, then keep it simple. I do have a question though..are you more worried about what other folk will think about your proposal and talk about you/it or more worried about taking the next step with your GF and making a life with her? I know it's cliche but for real, the only two that matter in this are you and your girl…take it from a person that has five more months to go until the big day, people are going to say what they are going to say…who cares…
Wow SBM, you are in LOVE!!!! *giggles* And I love the posts you're writing in this phase. I agree w/all the respondents before me. As a woman I'm overjoyed to hear you speak genuinely about your feelings for your lady. I kinda wanna go back and read the early posts of when you started dating her.
So does this mean you've been conjuring up ideas for the proposal? Or am I moving too fast? lol
I am going to need people to not make inferences from the post. The only reason I even mentioned my gf is because as soon as I talk about anything pertaining to marriage or serious relationships, someone jumps up and says "that's why your single".
You are moving too fast …
I vote for 'extra'. Bottom line, do it for her. It doesn't have to be big and elaborate if that's not who she is. You know your girlfriend. You know what she'd like. If she is into the big displays, you have the internet. You don't have to come up with the proposal plan and whatever by yourself. Hell, in the time you wrote this, you coulda asked Mr. Google for proposal ideas.
Oh and the ring? Humh. Think about it this way. That car you have? It lost value when you drove off the lot. But that ring will gain value. think of it as an investment.
Please don't start with this ring as an investment nonsense. There will never be any plans to sell the ring, and if it were to happen I am pretty sure a used ring will not fetch that great of a price.
And I know it will make her happy, and I know blah blah blah … but the thought of it is unnerving and I just don't want to do it. Can I just pull a Martin proposal? "Damn Gina … you won … OK!!! I will marry you!"
I think you are just unnerved about it, in general. Clearly, you are not ready to take that next step or these things wouldn't be an issue for you.
Yet it's true for the most part and ALWAYS true when dealing with cars that aren't classics. Even if you don't sell the ring, you can sell the stone. Hell you can list it as an asset. You can even trade up. The value you get on the stone when you trade up is more than when you go to trade in a car for a better one. That is, the percentage of retained value of the initial price is just more. But then again, if you're talking about a smaller diamond, the value doesn't go up as much or at all very quickly.
I can't drive a ring.
And why are you comparing a ring to a car anyway? What about Stocks or some educational bonds for the yougins?
Check
I only used car because a lot of younger (33 and younger) men will complain about the cost of a ring but find three ways to afford the car they want. But since you bring up investments, that's true too. They'll buy that car but not even contribute the max to a 401K where there company matches. Bottom line, people find a way to do what they WANT to do. Yet, they'll find fifty-leven excuses not to do what they don't want to do.
Talk to her genuinely about your ideas behind the 'traditions' surrounding marriage. Many of them are but mere shadows of their original meanings and frankly obsolete. Like a woman changing her last name when the one she has in just fine… but that's another post, right? ;0)
You may be surprised that she feels similarly about things.
Proposals do matter. In my opinion largely because they say to a woman that you think she is worth the effort. It took my current (and awesome) relationship for me to see the value, but when a man loves a woman, truly loves her – he knows she is going to say yes. And his asking shows her he's willing to invest 100% to make everything happen for them to survive. Cuz you are right, it has nothing to do with him and everything hinging on that breath taking moment when she gives her yes. That stuff matters! Women, (us good ones) spend countless hours of our lives trying to buy the perfect gift (birthday, fathers day [if it applies], Christmas, etc.), and fry chicken better than his momma, and wash the arbitrary pieces of clothing he leaves at our house, we invest. We make nice in front of a odd extensions of your weird ass family and force ourselves to smile through Sporting events we give no fuck about. We lament about our appearance and presentation constantly because we feel we do and could permanently represent you. Men send women through SHIT before even granting them coveted gf title, (shut up SBM – this ain't about me, I'm making a general point) Least you could do is take the risk and ask me in a way I will remember forever.
ITA with this. Plus, you have to remember, as your wife, she'll be washing your dirty drawers, cooking your favorite meals, cleaning the house, taking care of the snotty -nosed kids, etc, (in the traditional sense) for a VERY long time (hopefully), AND perhaps working. So, the least you can do is make the proposal/wedding everything she wanted, because a GOOD WIFE should/will be giving you everything you "want" for much longer than a couple days.
Co-sign on this entire post. 'Nuff said!
I'm saying … is not committing my life to you enough?
I tell ya … crazy when giving your whole life to someone aint enough.
LOL…I think it's a 2-way street. She's commiting her life to you too.
Yeah, and I'm not asking for anything else. I don't get a ring or a proposal. And we all know the wedding itself is not for me.
"When a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing." I'm no Bible expert, so don't ask me what book/chapter that comes from. But, according to God, you just found the gift of a lifetime, so get down on your knee, buy a small/medium/large piece of rock, and get it over with!
Imagine finding my lil sis here! Didn't know you were down with one of my fav blogs…
Love is when some one else's happiness makes you happy.
Happy wife, Happy life – this proposal is a minor detail, suck it up and play the game.
You are kinda out on that "extra" limb today SBM. Its not that serious. First of all, you and your girlfriend obviously have a great relationship and you know she is going to say YES…no worries on that front. The ring and all of that is part of societal tradition in this country so just do it to make her happy…seeing the smile on her face should be motivation enough to do anything that is required. Dont be selfish. Everything isn't about what you want/feel……women like and require certain things. You know your girl and you know if she gets off on lavishness or simplicity…so act in accordance. She is obviously doing everything that is required to keep a smile on your face and when you decide to get married to her, you should go out of your way to do everything that is going to make her heart sing and keep her smiling….
Point well taken.
Ehm…am probably one of the few women who hates the whole wedding charade. I've always imagined I'd have my wedding in a small banquet hall with just about 50 pple present and all done within a few hours. I doubt I would get my wish though.
When I hear/read about proposals I do sometimes wish I could get something just as elaborate but I know it's only so I'd have a juicy tale to tell my friends. The real me will much prefer the lets get married talk while lounging on the bed or sofa.
The other thing that scares me about the ring is that what if it doesn't fit? Like I have really large fingers for a woman and I dont particularly wear rings myself so how's my partner suppose to get it right? So I'd much prefer a situation where I know we're getting married and then we go ring shopping together. Much more 'us' that way.
I think if he loves you, he will know you have thick fingers.
Every good woman deserves what they truly want when it comes to a proposal / wedding. I mean you are committing your life to one person, that's a big deal!
I concur on your ideals about the wedding. I hate to be stared at and thus the whole idea of walking down the proverbial aisle is a no go for me. And I only want a handful of people present for whatever ceremony I have… But if the bottom of your gut says you want a nice proposal – even if its just to have a nce story, there is nothing wrong with that..
He who findeth a wife, findeth a great thing!
I guess I'm weird because I don't really "do" weddings either. My perfect wedding would be an elopement. However, I do want a really cool proposal. It doesn't even have to be big, just thoughtful … I loved the one in "Stepmom" between Julia Robert's and Ed Harris' character:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL1B4N5dnTI
Simple … but a nice story to tell afterward.
I feel you SBM, but it’s part of being a man. It’s unlikely she will say no. The preparation isn’t much more involved than planning some dates.
We both know the wedding is her day. I know some weddings are a complete waste of money that could be used on the honeymoon, or in some cases, a down payment on a house, but it’s a necessary evil (unless she’s talking about spending 30 grand plus on the wedding, you can nix those plans from the jump). Just pretend like you’re interested in the color scheme and invitations, show up on time for the wedding, and make sure to smile when she comes down the aisle.
Make the proposal a special moment she will never forget. You only have to do it once. As much as you may not want to do it, remember it’s about her, not you.
Honestly I don't need a wedding lets just go to the courthouse and buy a house with the money we save, a modest ring would be fine too. Then after 10 or so years of a loving marriage lets have a big wedding or whatever. Weddings are overrated and being married is underrated!
This is just my opinion your gf might want the proposal and ring so do the right thing.
At first, I was gonna say you were being extra but then I read. And due to my reading comprehension skills, I realize you're not being extra because you ultimately said that you are going to propose and you will do it right. I'm not into the fireworks either but there are somethings that we have to do because she'll be into it. And if she's into it, I'm into it, despite how much I hate. And I think you're a man of a similar thinking
Yes I am. We both realize that although we don't want to, there are just things we will do as part of being a "good man". Doesn't mean we have to like it, but I doubt she enjoys picking up my dirty drawers either.
Interesting read. What is extra is that more people spend more time on preparing to get married than they do being married! In my opinion it doesn't have to be big and grand. Keep it simply and from the heart–intimate dinner is perfect. It's time out for all the fairy tale malarkey.
If I do it at dinner, can I hide the ring in the middle of her steak or something?
Maybe its just me, but I still think I would be sweating bullets over doing something simple. And suppose she starts whilin out in the restaurant … jumpin on tables n sh*.
You need to calm down. lol.
Whoa charlie!!! LOL too much "what if"!! If she whilin like that, you sure you want her??? Make it at home. Don't have to hide it. Just give her the box!
the only part i might agree with is the fact that she could say no. i guess that's the chance you have to take. i think i would have a good idea on what her response would be before i proposed. if i think there is even a 50% chance that she would say no, then i don't think i would propose. like how do you maintain a relationship with a person after they denied your proposal? i don't think i could.
Real Talk if you propose and have any doubt that shed say no, you need to reevalute a few things…lol
cosign on all said. I actually would want to propose because I like making moments last even if its the most insignificant thing. Life is value in experiences, so why not make that moment last forever? You don't gotta break pockets for it either.
I vote "extra". I would think that most people would have discussed the possibility of marriage before the question is popped, thus eliminating the first fear (with the exception of Kels' situation up there…. who does that???). Even if you've spoken in hypotheticals, it should have been discussed some time before you go get the ring.
And yes, the focus on her, but if you pull it off right then you will forever and always be The Man against which all other proposals in her circle will be measured against. Making her happy makes you look great. But it doesn't have to be the Proposal to End All Proposals…. you don't need the scavenger hunt and clowns and roller coasters or deep sea snorkling ending with the presentation of a ring. Based on your (blog revealed) personality, it seems like you wouldn't be with a chick that's into all the dramatics like that (although, opposites attract and strange things often happen).
Quit making it seem like such a chore. That's the LEAST difficult thing you'll have to do in a marriage. Sheesh.
Your right … I would not consider marrying a girl wanting clowns.
Ok … I will concede … I'm being a little extra
I come to the site EVERYDAY and rarely comment, but today I had to put in my two cents. I totally agree with you SBM. The amount of time and effort required for a "unique" (can anyone come up with something that's never been done before?) proposal could be better used some something/anything else. I don't need all the fuss and muss of a big proposal just so I have a story to tell. I've been engaged for over a year now and I don't have the most "appropriate" story to tell but it's mine and I'm fine with it. It was a complete surprise b/c we'd only been together for a short while so it wasn't even on my radar, that's what made it special for me. Anyway all that really matters is the ring, which I get complimented on, on a daily basis. We can both save our time and energy and plan the most kick-ass wedding ever. That's something that I can see myself talking about forever!
Reminds me of a few jokes:
What's the quickest way to stop having sex? Put a ring on her finger.
Good luck to you bruh…that's a helluva gamble.
I like my odds …
I'm mad some chick hit me up on the side to tell me that you had done the 40 yard dash in a 30 yard room. I agree with Peyso, you said you will propose correctly, so no foul.
I don't want to propose, but after asking the chick's parents for their permission, buying the ring, settling internally that you are about to retire… getting down on one knee is easy.
Yeah .. all that parent asking and ring shopping all fall under the proposal and acts as support for "I don't wanna"
It sounds like SBM is putting extra, unnecessary pressure on himself. Every woman is different….one woman may desire a huge elaborate proposal involving a 4th of July-style fireworks show & an airplane spelling it out in airplane smoke while another woman will be happy with the simple question and a ring during a nice dinner at home. SInce you believe that it's ALL for the woman, you know what type of woman you have (I would hope so if you've reached the proposal stage) and you should make an effort to propose to her accordingly….especially since it only lasts for a brief moment in your lifetime.
I do not think that the traditions should be done away with because as I said before, every woman (and man) desires something different. I personally do not desire a Hollywood production of a proposal and the typical wedding with a reception. I'd rather use that money to benefit us during the marriage. And I'm hoping that my man will agree.
I don't know. I actually look forward to the day I can plan my proposal. There's no way she's going to say no to me plus I look at the engagement ring as an outward sign of how much I love her. I know it sounds superficial. You know what your woman likes, so i say act accordingly. You're gonna spend the rest of your life trying to please her so why not start there?
To add to my post earlier, to be REAL honest, most women will be thrilled with any proposal, EXCEPT Martin's proposal, LOL.. A mutual friend of my cousin's and her (now) husband had just hit the 3-year dating anniversary and she said (in her head), that if he didn't propose by that night, the next day, she was packing her things and moving out. As it turned out, he got home late (about 10ish, woke her up and proposed to her…in her PJ's, head scarf, looking crazy, etc…believe me, she was just as thrilled. So, don't worry about the proposal…that's the least thing to stress over. Most women I know, don't even put that much stock into a proposal, just as long as he does it in a respectful manner (a la NOT Martin), it's gonna be welcomed. Of course, if you do step it up or out the box, she'll have stories for years, but it's still fine either way. I wonder why men are always so nervous about it anyway? Most women, if they seem happy in the relationship and you've TALKED about marriage and she's been receptive, are not going to say no.
Great Read!!! I would say Im ur twin because for a female everyone cracks on me and say Im like a dude..I dont like the whole proposal, rings, weddings, holidays lol etc..I feel its all overrated. When its time for me to become a Mrs. I want to just be away with my love and we just wake up and say Lets get married right now…..I only require a wedding band to keep the men away..So my advice is to go on a vacation and come back married…..
You are not being extra, it doesnt have to be that big of a process, the focus should be the fact that you want to marry this woman. the end. All the rest is just extra and not really for you, but for other people and their opinions…. and since when do we care what other people think? Not all of us are trying to get on "A wedding Story" I dont even need a ring..
I wish all women thought like you Missmelony
IMHO and I am sure this will be an unpopular comment women wager a lot of emotions when involved in a relationship, and usually put in extra work in a marriage (especially once children are involved) …so seems to me the least we could get is a ring a down on one knee proposal.
I'd just ask her. It doesn't have to be an elaborate proposal, but you need to propose. Then just to go and island with a few of your closest friends and family and do the damn thing.
Even if a woman says that a proposal isn't a big deal and doesn't stress it (which I didn't), it's the thought that counts. My husband proposed in front of our family and friends and it was all a huge surprise. In fact, I was thinking we had at least another year. Anyway, it's the thought that counts. And when you meet that right person, you will do everything in your power and then some to make them happy. So even though you may not be into proposals, it'll be worth it in the end.
I'm curious, what makes her the fing best?
Awww c'mon man!
This is one thing where you have to take one for the team! Most women dream about the ring and the proposal. I know that a big fancy-schmancy proposal isn't going to guarantee that a man will be a good husband (my own father didn't really "propose" to my mother and they are still married 25 years later), but it's a nice touch that is important IMHO. I want a big ring you had to save for/finance and you on ONE knee damnit … not too much to ask considering I will be cooking, cleaning and taking care of you for eternity. lol.