If your a woman … calm down … go be mad at Chris Rock.
Men … you know exactly what the eff I’m talking about.
There is a lot of talk about why women are single, and the problem with black women … and blah blah blah. Rather than beat a dead horse and focus on problems of black women … I’m going to focus on what we men want.
Men are simple creatures. Our wants are simple, we go after them directly, and once we get them … we are happy. And while there are a million and one things that influence our decisions of who we marry, who is a jump off vs. the wifey, and are we going to cheat … at our core we really are simple creatures.
“Feed me, Eff me, and then shut the eff up” – Chris Rock
Let us explore three things that put a smile on every man’s face.
Food
Every person alive knows the importance of a good meal. And you we all know that a home cook meal touches you in a place deep in your soul that just … it just makes you feel good. When a guy is in a relationship or is dating a girl and putting her through the “would she make a good wife” hazing process … something that always wins big … always makes him feel good about this woman … always earns her point … deep throating and sawollowing a good home cooked meal from their woman. Not only do we finally get that she’s not a selfish b* “she really does care about this” feeling … but we also know that she will be able to provide for us, our stomachs, and our kids.
S*x
Men need s*x (by s*x … I mean any type of release of bodily fluids aided by a woman). If we don’t have it, it builds up inside or our bodies, starts to ooze out of our ears, and diminishes brain function (don’t question it … its true!). The amount of release (hourly, daily, weekly) and the type of release depends on the man (deep strokes, good brain, rub & tug) … but something is needed by us all. As soon as women start to understand this … divorce rate will finally drop and life for everybody will get better. And after that home cooked fried chicken and yams meal we just had … gotta burn off them calories. Running aint gonna cut it.
Silence
Silence. Whether is is us and our Xbox’s, on the couch watching the game, or just silence from your voice as they chill with the boys … we need silence. And although this is the easiest thing to provide, its something that seems to be the hardest to find as a man. We go away in search of silence … we’re asked “Where are you going?” We simply get quiet hoping to induce silence … we’re asked “Why aren’t you talking?” We get straightforward and ask for silence … bad idea “WTF you mean you want me to be quiet! You need to go get you one of them silent submissive b*thes!” *sigh*
Three things to make a man happy. Girls just wanna have fun … we just need chicken, p*ssy, and some quiet.
Is there any man that doesn’t want these things? Is there some anomaly out there who wants to be hungry with blue balls with noise in his ear? Women, have you ever met a man unsatisfied with these three things?
SBM aka Fed, Satisfied, and Relaxed
I love your entries! Very down to earth. What is your zodiac? I'd love to know!
*Cee
Dave Chappelle said, "Just suck his d*ck, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich and don't talk too much." I always thought that was the most hilarious thing ever said.
I have to come clean, that will make a man temporarily happy, but in the long run it doesn't work, you'll leave that chick. I think and this is a slippery slope for women, most men are happy when they have a woman who is like their "homie" who they are smashing. Provided she looks like that girl in the picture above, and has some other intangibles like "it" then they'll wife her down.
Men are still men though, there will be several "homies" who never will get wifed down. But you still are someone he is happy spending time with.
This is like the third time I've agreed with you in a week and a half.
I think Armaggedon is near…..
I must be doing something right then, since we're getting married soon
*clears throat*
now I'm just waiting for the what women want post. And contrary to what yall mens folk think, we are not that complicated!!!
The post about what women want would be so long and convoluted no one could make sense of it.
ChocolateDrop: "And contrary to what yall mens folk think, we are not that complicated!!!"
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
CTFU!
That's a first and hopefully a last.
uhm….yes? for real, though! It all starts getting complicated when yall mens folk can't keep it real with us (check # 2 on "the 7 things…." post).
Shyyyyyyyt! And just FYI, we DO enjoy food, d*ck, and silence :p
In theory, this is all you SHOULD need but in reality this theory doesn't really hold water when put to the test….I've been doing these three things for years…I did these three things and MORE…and my EX husband still left me for that chick that can't COOK….I unn'astand what you are trying to achieve by writing this post..keep it simple…blah blah blah….but, its just not TRUE….but, you are still my hero SBM. LOL.
I think you should read Dr. J's comment upthread
Dead on brotha! POW lol
I get it, but apparently a lot of women don't! Then they wanna look around like why am I single? I currently am, but bc of a lil thing called law school!
is this really a list exclusive to men? I like to eat, f*ck, and do my own thing too.
I agree with Dr. J, though. These are some basic qualities that will attract a man but in order to have a long-lasting relationship, there has to be more dimensions to a person than their culinary and sexual skills and their ability to shut the f*ck up. #imjustsayin
…that RIGHT THERE!
I agree that these are crucial qualities in snagging a man and they aren't as superficial as some say because feedin' a man, pleasing a man, and giving him "quiet time" shows that you are a reliable, nurturing woman that respects his time but at the same time it is one dimensional because these three things ignore other important qualities like personality and compatibility. But these three qualities are important in keeping a man happy, but what happens when you do these things and a man still isn't happy and decides not to stick around? I think all too often we simply men therefore dehumanizing them and making them void of emotions. From experience I know that these 3 qualities aren't the only thing needed to keep a man around or is that even if you do these things men are too stupid to keep you around?
what if a girl does everything on the list except cook though?!
People be sleeping on the value of silence. No, I'm not mad. I just don't feel like talking right now! Siiiilence!
I echo your sentiment, really I do (sometimes I wish a ninja would have a Coke and a smile and shut the f*ck up), but there's some confusion with this idea.
Does a man not want to talk to a woman all the time? If so, he needs to not be dating because communication is kind of important. Does he not want to when he's mad? Immaturity, really, the silent treatment doesn't fix anything. Does a man just not want to talk when he feels like not talking? If so, how is the woman supposed to know?
Just some
interrogationquestions for your Monday.I just believe 2 people should be able to sit in a room in silence and have it be okay. I talk on the phone all day everyday at work. When I come home sometimes, I just don't feel like talking much. Though of course I'll listen to a boo tell me about her day and offer her some words of encouragement and adoration. But other than that, let me be sometimes!
i had a boo that COULD NOT understand this concept.. he wanted to talk while i was on my way home (i had to take 3 buses).. while i was walking home from the bus stop, when i got inside my home.. and then would say "alright, come open the door" because he was at my house.. THEN wondered "why won't you talk to me?" i looked at him all shades of funky..
signed, "i have nothing left to give.. just sit down and watch the Direct TV"
@Slim, I feel that. **keeping it short and sweet so I don’t talk you to death LOL**
@Nick, How about the person (this can apply to anyone with no common sense) who joins you on the sofa to watch the game/movie/television drama that you’re currently enjoying but spends the WHOLE time asking questions? Once I damn near pulled my hair out like, “b*tch, maybe if you stopped asking questions and just paid attention, you’d know what the f*ck was up”
I have to agree with Dr. J…as a woman, I wanna be in a relationship with my homie. That's 1 of my top 3 qualifications. If I can't be around you and kick it like we're friends, this ship aint gon' float.
Truer words were never spoken. We men are simple. Ladies, stop trying to over complicate things.
I agree – these are some of the basics. I like eating, effing and shutting up too, lol. But it's only a start – any woman who does this as a matter of course can tell you that they have been dumped at least one time for a woman who doesn't cook or clean, and runs her mouth. We can only assume that she has one of the three "requirements" locked down.
Like Dr. J said, the tenderoni vibe is great even if it doesn't get the ring on your finger every time. I would add to that and say that when you and the s.o. get to the "Homie 2.0" level – the point that y'all are doing stuff together that NEITHER of you would want your friends to know about (poppin' each other's pimples, corny jokes, dandruff scratchin' and such) you're pretty much "in like Flynn".
Summed up pretty well although I often just say Peace. It's already bad enough the crap I have to go through everyday at work. When I come home it is my sanctuary. I hate people trying to take me out of a tranquil element or people who insist on talking for talking's sake.
Good post.
Oh yeah Food. I love a woman who goes Julia Childs and gives me palatable sustenance. Lost art nowadays.
Silence is golden. Women should understand that sometimes, its cool to say nothing. We're always in our own thoughts feel me
I love a man that can cook, I'm seriously turned on by it! And who doesn't feel the need to fill a silence he's not comfortable with because I am just fine. I don;t like taling about my day right after it has happened…I don't know why I am like that, but please just respect it. I always open up eventually on my own time.
Sex is just a given.
Good Morning!
I actually agree with this post! As a matter of fact I love this post because I do find these truths to be evident in many man that I know. Although I thought there were 4 things that every man really needs at least from my research I got 4 things. The first 3 are accurate. 100% of the men that I have engaged in dialogue with have stated that food, sex and silence are in fact what they need from their woman but 100% of them also stated that they need loyalty from their woman. So I'm posing a question to you and the readers, is loyalty from your women an element that will put a smile of every man's face? I'm just asking
i agree with this post. these are the basics. but to be a true 'wife'… there has to be more. none of these has the mind or heart being stimulated, so i look at these as prereqs… like if you don't have these then you def won't get to the next stages in your homieloverfriendlationship.
co-sign.
No one ever said these were the only things needed to keep a man. These are what every man wants in a relationship, short-term or longer. Allow me quote the author: "And while there are a million and one things that influence our decisions of who we marry, who is a jump off vs. the wifey, and are we going to cheat … at our core we really are simple creatures."
See?!?!?! Just b/c you do these three things won't mean you'll keep your homie BUT it will always increase your chances of success.
I had to say this before the day was over…
I said shush girl
Shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips!
I KNOW you didn't just quote 3OH!3
And how astoundingly appropriate for the topic at hand.
LMAO! I have a friend named helen and I can't say her name without that song popping in my head.
But alas, this woman like the famed Yeti, Loch Ness Monster, Easter Bunny and Santa DOES NOT EXIST…
A+ reading material though!
I'm sure there's a mute woman out there just looking for love and someone to eat her fried chicken.
Girl please, fried food'll kill you. You meant grilled chicken, right? :0P
Oh, men watch their health too? News to me. LOL. Most men I know prefer their chicken fried, but I'm sure the mute woman would be happy to adjust.
Well after watching Chili's Checklist last night [What Chili Wants, Vh-1] I'm trying to increase my "desirability" factor….LOL!
I had a feeling you were talking about Chili from TLC, but I didn't know she had a show on VH1 (I had to use The Google to find that out). I can't comment on your desirability factor (since you're one of the stubborn ones who won't put up a picture), but you should eat healthy just to live longer (or at least a healthier one).
Yeah I was gonna mention that I would prefer that my lady not try and purposely clog my arteries.
She might be trying to kill you for the insurance money.
I've always been told that a man needs the 5 S's:
Supper
Sex
Support
Sports
Solace
I kinda agree. Is this true guys?
Meh….I'm not that big of a talker anyway.
My sex drive is higher than my man's sometimes.
And I'm learning how to cook….so yea…
Sane, how do u post an avatar pic?
go to gravatar.com
this is hilarious.
Insurance money conspiracies???? Good Lawd! And you wonder why 43% of ya'll will never marry…
)
Been there, done that, got the postcard. This one isn't crying if I never am legally bound to another man again. As for as my being single, it could have something to do with that
.
new name. i think i figured this out.
@ TAFKAT [The Artist Formerly Known As Tunde] I liked your first name better, had a more regal, ethnic feel to it
@ Sane Don't deny some worthy male a shot because your ex fckut up.
@ Dr.J Gravatar and my PC aren't playing nice tonight
I agree, I liked Tunde better. The new name is given me visions of Doogie Howser as Dr. Horrible.
I would never deny any man a shot based on what the last fool did. I'm just saying that I am in no rush to get married, even I am in a happily committed and long-term relationship. That's not to say I wouldn't be open to it, if it felt like it was going to stick this time. Nobody wants to be a two-time divorcee, right? How would I look if I was divorced twice by the time I'm 30 or something?
Oh, and what happened to the pic, Dr. J?
There's lots of folks who took their sweet time strolling down the aisle more than once
And now for some reason after seeing Tunde's new moniker I feel like watching some Pinky and the Brain re-runs. L8r SBMers……
What are we going to do today, Brain?
Awww, you were distracting me from homework.
A: What is 'Try and take over the world" Alex for a $1000?
Ok, I'll stay on until Chelsea Lately goes off. Seems kinda dead up in this camp today though…. :0?
Chelsea's my girl. I've still got a few hours before she hits my TV though. Maybe that's the problem, everyone is sleeping.
Then u may want to keep hitting the books, tonight's guests are Tiny and Toya. Why? I have no idea either…
SMRF [shakin' my Rihanna Forehead]
I'm hope Chelsea will make it worth it to watch those two on anything.
Alright, I'm not going to keep trying to avoid these books. Thanks for distracting me for a little while at least.
Good night all.
This joint works!!! I love waking up and catering to my man. If he treats me like a Queen he will be treated like the King he is! I will wake up in the morning and cook him breakfast, he can have me for desert! Then I will make him some lunch! Give him some space to chill and relax. Sometimes is as simple as letting him rest. Just bc we in the same room it doesnt mean we need to be always having a convo. You can watch the game while i do something else. Just know as soon as the game is over you have to come handle your business in the bedroom! I dont feed you, let you rest, and cater to you for nothing! And so far is working great! Best shyt ever!
!
Ladies keeping real, alot of times we dont know how to kindly STFU. And people get tired of hearing u talk about the same thing over and over again. Even ur girlfriends get tired, trust me! There is nothing like some peace and quiet to relax ur mind! ANd instead of arguing and wasting time, cook some good food, take a nap, and suck his dck and u will see everything in a better light! Is really that simple!
Goddamnit, I'm going to have this post tattooed on my chest. Good stuff.
This should be a PSA on NBC read by Eriq La Salle or Derek Luke. It can have that fruity looking star flying aroung when it's done.