**** Admin Note ****
While SBM is still running around Europe with a backpack and whatever money he can grab out the ATM … enjoy the continued stylings of Cashmere Jones.
- SBM
*************
Its summertime and sun dresses and sandals are back in full force. The ladies are sporting the results of that winter workout plan and getting Naughty by Nature before time to pack it back in for the winter. So on that note, Let’s talk about S*X! In the spirit of Drake’s album dropping, with a twist on the joint that put him on the map, I present to you, The Worst I Ever Had.
I had known this young lady for quite some time. She had been trying to get it for a couple years on the FwB tip, but I was young and still “pure” then … but by the last time I was a veteran in the game. Needless to say, this wasn’t a jumpoff situation by any means. I made a trip down south just to chill and kick it with some friends in the area. Still ballin’ like a broke college student, I crashed at her place like always.
We hung around town, ate, drank, and partied like every other time I came to the A. But one night out, I had more than enough Henny in the system. Miss lady took notice, and she made sure that night I took full notice of her. We got it in on the dance floor, but that isht had that Nia Long – Larenz Tate vibe from Love Jones. At that point I didn’t know it was going down, but on the way back to the spot, she makes a pit stop at CVS to scoop the prophylactics to break me off some of that Southern Hospitality.
Yeah … she was focused.
We get to the spot and start going at it on some Knocked Up, tripping over furniture in the house, knockin pictures off the wall type sh*t. Once we got to the bedroom and I wasn’t worried about keeping my balance, I started to realize that this chick was raping my face. I kinda felt like one of the white folks I see who let their dogs lick all over their faces while I stand there shaking my head.
No worries though, that wasn’t about to keep me from doing what we came to do, and before you know it we were bucky nekkit. While I continue enduring my facial rape, I turn the foreplay up a notch teasing, touching and rubbing on her tig’ ol bitties female areas. This stopped her from raping my face momentarily which allowed me to re-orient myself while battling the effects of the henny (which had worked itself deep into my system at this point). Soon she starts flopping around every few seconds or so looking like a fish out of water … LITERALLY! I started to think maybe this was the beginning onset of an Epileptic episode, but I kept on going….I told you the Henny was in the system.
All of a sudden she pops up ready to riiiiiide it, and I’m more than ready for her to hop on and work it out. We all know the #swindle of thinking those who can dance can put it down in the bedroom, but at the time I was still a believer and got my feelings hurt something terrible.
She eased herself onto the ‘apparatus’ like someone who slowly eases into a pool of cold water, and kept doing that slow up and down motion like it was a pogo stick. After 5 minutes of that bs, I flip her over to take the smashery to another level … one that I’d actually enjoy. At that point again she begins raping my face and flopping around like a fish and saying all sorts of lame dirty talk that was making my penis soft like that white chick dancing on the corner on Chapelle Show. By now we’re about a half hour in, my buzz is wearing off and I’m getting tired of this disappointing experience. So, I hit the ‘Wrap it up!’ box on myself. She got hers a couple times, and by 40 minutes in, I chalked it up as a L, faked it (yea it was that bad) and went to sleep. Needless to say, I didn’t thank her then, later, and honestly, I wish I had that 40 minutes of extra sleep back….to this day she has no idea she was THE WORST.
Bad beats! We all have them … right? What was your worst? How do you turn the situation around and turn an L into a win? Are you one of those “If I nut … it was good” folks who never have had bad s*x, yet have left a trail of tears of unsatisfied partners through the years?
Come on folks … we family.
- Mr. Jones
YES! We've all had that one bad one and if anyone says they haven't then they themselves have been the perpetrator. I can remember one time I was dealing with guy with a not so good stroke, I just pulled out all the stops so that he could finish the deed and I could get out of there!!
Welcome! *pops e-champagne*
"flopping like a dead fish" – LMAO!!! all kinds of sad and wrong I literally pictured home girl lol
Hmmm my worst beat has had to be this jump off.. an athlete to top it off.. I just wanted mine… SMH…
He was looking d*amn good, smelled delicious, and those dreads were on point! Everything was good on him… until it came down to the deed itself… man… I probably would have had a better night if I would have let ugly a** 6'8 previous Suns player smash!
Worst kisser EVER!!! Sloppy and all over the place, dude was kissing and tonguing my chin down! Was quick to make his and my clothes disappear in an instant! I'm checking him out enjoying that chiseled body of his and my eyes went lower and I was happy with what I saw! I'm thinking yes! he's gon put it down!
No! He didn't.
1) couldn't find where to put it – kept rubbing it against my thigh several times "trying" to put it in the right spot..
2) once he finally got it with some help he starts humping so fast that I can't even catch his rhythm!
3) he starts moaning… oh my gosh he started moaning!!! Like squealing moaning, I actually just laid there looking at him while he humped me like Thumper's foot and moan!
This is 10 minutes in, I'm no longer turned on, heck, I'm not even excited let alone in the mood. He turns me around and says "girl I'm about to make you say my name and you're gonna see the stars" #iDIED. He starts going at it and I hear him moaning and groaning again like a lil b*tch, loud and talking about how good it feels and "d*mn mami you feel soo good". I'm like O_o what the h*ll is going on!? I buried my face in the pillow and start laughing!!! He was straight humping my inner thigh talking about how good I feel!! I couldn't believe it! What he thought it was me moaning and aching for his great work was just me laughing hysterically into the pillow!
He busts in less than 5 minutes. I had to pretend like I did see stars and just rolled over and passed out.
Next morning I got dressed and was out before the sun could finish rising. He kept calling me wanting to hang out, but I just couldn't… Definitely my worst.. ever.. nothing has topped that..
Saw him 3 months ago, and he recognized me… but I didn't LMAO.. he looked confused and I just laughed and walked away…
Dayum Lola! LOL.
Was he drunk, too? He sounded like he may have been under the influence of something or other…..couldn't find where to put it!?
He wasn't drunk, he didn't drink at all that night lol.. if he was rolling or anything else then this experience would have been completely different… maybe… lol
“girl I’m about to make you say my name and you’re gonna see the stars”
If that ain't some cornball sh!t I don't know what is!!!
Saddest thing with that lil comment of his is that i have stars tattooed on the back of my neck!!! So literally HE was the one seeing stars!! I on the other hand was seeing nothing but black hole
Lola: "He turns me around and says “girl I’m about to make you say my name and you’re gonna see the stars” #iDIED. He starts going at it and I hear him moaning and groaning again like a lil b*tch, loud and talking about how good it feels and “d*mn mami you feel soo good”. I’m like O_o what the h*ll is going on!? I buried my face in the pillow and start laughing!!! He was straight humping my inner thigh talking about how good I feel!! I couldn’t believe it! What he thought it was me moaning and aching for his great work was just me laughing hysterically into the pillow!"
Thanks Lola, now I have to wipe coffee off of my desk and keyboard. At least I didn't wear a white shirt today. LSHISC (laughed so hard I spit coffee)
A colleague just asked me "what's so funny".
This was hilarious… inner thigh?
Yes Most, inner thigh… like he had me put my legs together and then tried to enter.. but that didn't happen.. lol
I'm so sorry… LOL hope your keys aren't all sticky icky Lol
*pours some for the homie*
It's not his fault. Some can't handle poon. Lmao. Glad I don't have drinks by my laptop.
Handle?! He didn't even know how to find it let alone what to do with it! Lol
you shouldve texted him a google maps link to your coochie. lol
I'm done.
I'm done with you streetz! #fatality
Bwahahahahahahha!!!!!!!
What's his initials girl???…….
Can't give that away girl! Lol you crazy!!!
Wooooooooooooooow. I've heard some stories, but the fact that you were flat out hollering (and not in the way you should have been) into the pillow is crazy. Hilarious!
My worst…can't even turn it into a story…it was bad…point, blank, period and to this day, i think he doesn't get why i wouldn't have s*x with him again…i had better before him and WAY better after him & to go back would be doing myself a GREAT disservice no matter how conveniently located he is…I'm better off with my drought. lol
I had a few bad chexual experiences in my day. I just chalk them up to inexperience and (or) lack of chemistry in the bedroom. Most times the first time isn't that great anyways…you have to give it a few more tries to really get a thorough read on the situation…but, like they say, the first impression may be the last one….lol.
To keep it 100 with you Cash. I think the henny may have contributed to your busted experience. Its a known fact that alcohol can impede male performance….I think she was drunk and uncoordinated..and you were drunk and out of it….and it was just a mess LOL:-)..Ya'll should've tried it again sobered up, maybe?
I'll admit, the fire water can backfire on both parties….and in that respect, we've gone down that path again sober. It was worse than the first time…..ended up lying to her rather than disinvite her on a trip to Vegas. Something to the effect of "yea, with the economy and budget cuts this year, my company is making everyone have roomates so you coming out wouldn't be a good look". Great decision on my part in favor of a young lady who knows how to handle her bidness. Saw old girl a couple months back and contemplated trying again (she do look good) but I couldn't even do it to myself.
I had a guy spit in my love box. Not like sexy "make it a little wetter spit". Like hawk spit. It felt so heavy and gross, I'm actually dry heaving at the memory. We never got past that point and the both of us went to bed really upset for very different reasons.
:shudders:
WTF?!!!
I dry heaved just reading that…
double dry heave
I have a serious dislike for spit….I shudder anytime I see a man or a woman spit
To spit on the hog spit on the Love Below….smh, God only knows how I'd react b/c I almost lost my breakfast just reading this
He did what??? Oh I would have had an automatic reaction adn started cussing him out!!! Hawk spitting… I'll smack the dog ish out of someone!!!
Ewww!!!! I had someone do that to me once… I told him to get out, point blank. He couldn't comprehend why? SMH that's gross
Dis. Res. Pect. FULL. Of. Shit. Guy. I'm sorry
That sounds nasty. You should have kicked him out right then and there.
Oh.Em.Gee…i'm shocked you even let him stay around!
I've never had anyone spit on my love below…now i'm scared if anyone ever does…
UGGGGGGHHHH THAT'S NASTY!!! LOL!
But for real, now I know a lot of people have an aversion to spit, and I personally would never let anyone do that to me, but spit isn't such a bad thing on your male counterpart.
Where they do that at??!
…hung like a tree limb…swinging like a toddler, and that's all I have to say about that (Forrest Gump)
Awe man that right there is such a shame lol
what a waste
I've been lucky that I haven't had a BAD experience but comparitively the worse is with the girl I actually liked the most :- . She was just inexperienced and not too comfortable with her body so it made chex a bit blah.
Nowadays shorty is a bit more grown and realizing her pure potential continuing my rep for assisting in that department
sigh. the worst i ever had…was a Remy VSOP one night stand gone bad He had a great personality, we vibed really well, the equipment was acceptable,and a by trade he was a plumber…how could I go wrong?
Akward foreplay…figure we both bent off the Remy so I try to work with it. It got better figured he must be ready to go to work and lay some pipe- I mean he is a plumber…
Me:what its over? The phuck you mean give you a minuet? Aye yo forreal, you need to go my roommate sleep in the next room…and this some bull.
Him:Yo just gonna put me out? Girl stop playing. Whew I wasnt expecting that ish to be that good
Me: yeah me either (Attitude on 10 at this point.I'm looking for his other sock cuz he need to roll)
Him: Come here , lay back down with me
Me (thinking to myself) this ninja tryna cuddle? What part of the one night stand is this?
The multiple shots of the REMY VSOP are kicking in so after texting the roomie in the the next room to alert her the wackness that just occured I lay down and mess around and fall asleep.
Hell I need a shot or VSOP rattte now just thinking about that!
Woke up clowning him – badly…apparantly brown liquor makes me talk sh1t(shoulder shrug) so I give him a shot at redemption. Mission accomplished-he really is a plumber.
ROTFLMAO… damn i just spit water on my keyboard reading that last line..
TRUE STORY!!! Trust me when I tell you there wasnt anything giggle worthy at the time. I was pissed. Wasting my doggone time! Humph, not I said the blind sailor.
The funny part is my roommate said she heard me trying to put him out lol! yeah she told me I was not nice about it at all. ah the good ol days. lol
So why did homeboy get a second chance? Though if I was him, I'd probably redeem myself anyway possible.
I could come up with all kinds of excuses like:
everyone deserves a second chance some point in life…
i couldnt take it off my bucket list it til the act was complted correctly…
there were condoms left…
and the truth would still be(we all over 18 right? right) that I woke up to his head between my legs blessing the box. After that I needed penetration. So my game plan was that if after a min he didnt have his stroke together, I'd flip his a$$ and ride my way to where I was trying to go!!!
LMAO he was a plumber.. can't go wrong with that! OH MY GOSH!!! I'm using this line!!!
worst beats. let me think about this. aww yes.
my freshman year at my current school. it had been a while for me being that i was in a new city plus things didn't end too well with the situation i had back at home. one of my classmates invited me to her crib to work on this lab experiment write up. i figured what the hell since i did need help with it anyway. when we got done with the lab write up she asked me if i drank. me being me i was like of course. she served up some henny. as i'm sitting on the floor with my back on the couch and she's sitting on the couch she starting to massage my neck. at this point the henny is taking its course and i figure what the hell. worst 30 or so minutes of my life. no rhythm. vaginal dryness. yeah afterwards i was very disappointed in myself for that one. one number that i wish i could take back. i stopped drinking dark liquor for about 4 years after that. i just started drinking dark again.
Doesn't it seem like dark liquor is always attached to bad situations? lol. I had to quit it after undergrad. I'm still wary of the dark.
ummmm my worst was certainly my first time. and my second. and my third. and well a good 9 months of bleh. I should of won a couple oscars.
I remember the first time- it was in a hotel and after he was done I got up and called my best friend and asked "is this it?" I was sorely disappointed and stuck with a pupil with no desire to learn.
Man, I'm cracking up!!!
These stories read like "Scary Movie 5"!! ..The Wayans should jump on this shiz nit!!!
DAMN. I had a moment of silence for every single one of you. Now LOLA, I don't know WHAT homie thought he was doing but we seem to have had some of the same experiences. Hoping neither one of these men see this comment, I present the Worst of Suki's Sexperiences:
1. (why is it usually freshman year in college that a lot of people have to suffer?) I kid you not I had 4 energy drinks AND coffee this day and I was ready to bone. Get a few off. So I make my way over to homie's room. Homie's name will be Lyer. We'd been talking for a minute & decided "Hey, why not?" So it begins…..and it ends. Okay, maybe it lasted a couple minutes longer BUT that buzz that I built up from my 8am coffee to now was flat-lined. He got in, fell out & managed to get back in [I didn't know]
Me: Um…are you in?"
Him: Yeah girl! Been in! You loving this d!ck?
Me: *crickets theme music*
Him: *insert obscene moans and groans*
Me: *looks at nails thinking, I need a filling..oh wait. Let me insert a random moan* Mmm.. yea. -__-
Him: Yeah you love this, don't you?
Me: (mumbles) Right, not like you're loving it.
Him: Who's pu$$y is this?!
Me: Mine.. um, did you just nut?
Him: Umm…I dunno. *fiddles with Penelope* Well it's wet here so I think that's you.
Me: No, that's definitely not me. I'm still waiting… But.. I gotta go. I got a test tomorrow. So um yeah *dresses in 5 seconds flat*
2. Let's call this guy P. P was overly self-confident. I mean, he wasn't ugly but at the same time, he wasn't exactly my cup of cocoa. So P and I were not looking for anything more than a session [or 10] of skin-slapping & splapp-me-do's. Again with the why nots. We're both new to each other so I can't predict what he's working with altogether. Since "we" exist no more, of all our past times, they've averaged out to a 6.78. Which has been logged into my as terrible. And we talk no-mas. THE worst time with him was our actual "farewell". The Henny was serious in his system and light in mine. So I do this thing where I talk sh!t to him because I can and he acts more once challenged. So here I go.
S:: I'm gonna time you.
P: Wait..what? Why? That's not fair.
S: See? You're doing all this talking & the clock is ticking. Come on suckah. You won't last anyway. You've been drinking.
P: That won't stop me. *session on pounding begins*
S: Mmhmm. I'm guessing that's all you got.
P: You talk a lot of sh!t. You know you want this.
S: No, I'm sure you want & need this a lot more. Come on.
P: Who's pu$$y is this? [Break: WHY don't people know it belongs to ME? I was born with it right?! Okay, go.]
S: If you ask me another stupid question I'm leaving.. [3 minutes have passed] *I start throwing*
P: Chill, you gonna make me nut… >_<
S: Oh HELL. F*ck this *throws faster & thinks* I'm out this b!tch
P: Sssssss (that hissing sound) Faahhhhhkk.
S: -___- You've got to be kidding lil n!gga… Alright, get off me.. Now.
P: Can I bust in your mouth?
S: (mumbles) Bust in your own. (out loud) get off. *dresses in 4.75 seconds flatter* That was terrible by the way. And your aim sucks.
WORST EVER. *exits stage center, diving bomber style*
Guys and gals, this hurt to type. So I'll be accepting hugs all day. :'(
Come here *hugs Suki* and I thought I had it bad! LMAO!!!
By the way… I completely co-sign on the "who's p*ssy is this" line… dude its mine!!! You didnt buy it!
Thank you! *hugs back* Like, n!gga if you don't BACK UP out this
wetnessgoodness, I will… >_< *shakes fist*. It's MINE!Lola: "By the way… I completely co-sign on the “who’s p*ssy is this” line… dude its mine!!! You didnt buy it!"
Obviously you and Suki never had anyone put it on you right. Several women have signed the pu$$y over to me. It's my property. I have the deeds at home in my safe.
Okay I can see what would lead to such silly questions. BUT when used in THESE kinda situations, these lips have always been mine. You couldn't have owned it if I placed it in your hands.
@hugh jazz, I know thats right. I have surrendered ownership of mine, without even being asked. LMAO
@ Hugh
big a$$ co-sign.
I only had one dude to ask me that, and I let him know it was all his. lol. After that, I was all, "come get your pu$$y, baby." whew, that man was something else…
*thinking about making a trip to the A*
@ Hugh
Maybe I have maybe I haven't but not even to the ex-fiance did I ever tell that it was his p*ssy, he assumed tho, every time he would say: "this is MY p*ssy, bring Ms. Sassy here" lol… when someone makes me want to make them a full on meal other than a sandwich then thats when this p*ssy becomes his lol
*thinking about making a trip to the A*
^^^N.I.A. i've been trying to work on my own trip there for a hot second…especially with the texts that have been exchanged lately…*shutters*
I haven't really signed over the deed to mine but i definitely have had some put their name on it, one being in the A! lol
And iLaughed @ Hugh Jazz-Obviously you and Suki never had anyone put it on you right. Several women have signed the pu$$y over to me. It’s my property. I have the deeds at home in my safe.
That shall never happen again
lol
P: Can I bust in your mouth?
S: (mumbles) "Bust in your own." (out loud) get off. *dresses in 4.75 seconds flatter* That was terrible by the way. And your aim sucks.
# ihollered….
.
Thanks for this post. I have had some experiences where I was actually balancing my checkbook the whole time.
I'd like to hear from more guys and I guess some sober stories. lol And wouldn't a girl be able to tell if a guy didnt let go from oh I don't know an empty jacket?
Just wondering…
Women I dont think really check to see if ya bag is full…after its all said and done, thats the last thing they thinking about.
Ive definately faked an orgasm before…I dont know how I got away with it. fake it, get up and scoot to the bathroom with the quickness…it definately helps if its dark.
definately…DEFINATELY had a "bad day at the office". if you havent had a bad day, then you must not work very much I suppose. But I hooked up with a 40 year old beautiful sista…I mean…in my all time top 10 as far as looks and sex appeal. I was 28-29 at the time, and we got to talkin and talkin and finally I end up at her house early one saturday morning ready to get it in…condoms in my pocket, Im just waitin to pounce on her.
but when we started takin clothes off, it got real "buisnuess like"…like…this situation was not personal or sexy or intimate or much of anything. it went from this whole sexy MILF situation to just…"saturday chores" with the quickness. wasnt anything cute about it, she basically just wanted to knock me back real quick, and be done with it. I suppose I could relate the situation hypothetically to being with a strumpet.
anyway, the whole thing lasted about 4 minutes, tried to get a do over…but it never happened.
she was fine too. SMH.
I think more times than not I check for that kind of thing. If the guy didn't "arrive" I feel like I wasn't doing my job and I've never gotten an incomplete in my life so why start now.
tryin to imagine u doing a fluids release check. im laughing right now. loud.
Oh my gosh I just can't right now with the stories… I gotta get dressed!
I submitted a story to @secrettweet once. I favorite it too. Gotta find it first…
http://twitter.com/secrettweet
64843 His p*nis was like a 5 out of 10 but I called him daddy just to make him feel better. I finished the job later at home.
It's wrong but.. hey. Sh!t happens man. Judge me. I can take it. [pause]
I love how everybody is on here telling stories about the worst they ever had… how about some stories about you being somebody else's worst…
Everybody has an off day once in a while. Happen to me sophomore year of college. Home girl invited me over to study in the middle of the afternoon. Now, I was about my books in college and we had a test coming up, so – I really thought we were studying. (Mistake #1 – always have your game face on).
So, I get to her dorm, which was more of an on campus apartment, and we go to her room to study. So, I get in the room, whip out the books because I'm focused, and start going over the plan for the afternoon, I'm excited about my plan, but, she's not sharing in my enthusiasm. Anyways we're studying for about an hour and I'm thinking to myself, this is pointless, this chick has not done any of the reading, I would have been better off studying alone. So then, she says she's a little sleepy and suggests we take a quick nap that way, we'll be more focused when we wake up. I'm thinking… this chick here… When she lays down, on her stomach, I get a glimpse of the backside, now my spidey senses are tingling. But, I push on because I need to get this studying done. So, like 30 minutes passes, and, I start to doze off (she Incepted Me with her drowsiness – made me think I was sleepy). So I put the books aside, and lay down with her.
An undeterminable amount of time later, I wake up and somehow, we're going at it. So as I'm reaching for the prophylactic, I'm thinking, pull it together son. Now, as I go in, I'm still half way sleep, so, I'm not all the way focused. It feels amazing, like I'm dreaming, but I'm not. I go… no more than 10 strokes, and the tectonic plates start shifting – volcanic eruption is eminent. So, then I try to pull the #ChangePositions #Swindle, but, she's like no, stay right there. On like stroke 15, it happens – I'm finished.
So now I'm in crisis management mode. I try the, #IthinkTheCondomBroke #Swindle, I ask if she has another one. She's like nope. I'm like, me neither (mistake # 2 – always keep a spare tire).
The rest of the semester, I called and called trying to get her to let me have a do-over. To no avail. So, if she were reading this blog today, and wanted to tell a "worst I ever had" story – it just might be me. Rest assured though, she's the only person in my history that would have that story.
I did ace that test I was studying for though.
I'll never tell a lie. And I hate bragging. But I've never been a "worst". SDotKeegz takes care of Penelope and the Twins. I can't provide references. But it's a Suki Guarantee. There aren't a lot of things with that kinda assurance.
Stop Frontin Suki, don't make me call upstate and get the Carfax Vehical History Report…
What's wrong with having smooth encounters all the time? I've never been a worst. I've never had to be ignored if I requested a 2nd, 3rd, umpteenth time. I think guys go through that more than females. There isn't much we have to do to be great. Kegel, clean up after yourself, maintain, splish-splash, etc.
LMAO!!!! Most your #swindles were classic! Im here at the MVD and people is looking at me crazy cuz I cant help but laugh out loud at this!
LMAO @ your #swindles
cute story…i think
Awww… lol.
I can't even be mad at you for this. You trying to get your study on, and she surprised you with it. And you were not ready for it at all. It's her fault for trying to fake the funk. If she was smart, she would have asked you to give her a massage. That would've gotten the ball rolling.
Exactly, and on top of that, she got it started while I was sleep. Had me looking for my totem and ish…
awwww…
#gives a Bigmomma E-pat on head
Mmm I've had a 'i've been a worst' before. It was with a friend and I was so nervous that I rode like I had never been on a horse before. I felt horrific.
Most: "I love how everybody is on here telling stories about the worst they ever had… how about some stories about you being somebody else’s worst…"
Well, if we're in confessional, my performance the first two times wasn't very good. I have no excuse other than inexperience.
"Anyways we’re studying for about an hour and I’m thinking to myself, this is pointless, this chick has not done any of the reading, I would have been better off studying alone."
The funny thing is you still didn't get what she was trying to do! LMAO!
Jemsstar, you don't know, I had this ill plan about how we were going to review the material a particular way. I had it all planned out. I should have known something was wrong when I went through the plan with my geekish enthusiasm and she responded with a blank stare.
I've already blogged about my worst experience but I'm gonna drop it in again for for those of you who haven't caught on yet:
So I brought him home with me. The foreplay must have been weak because I don’t remember it at all. What I do remember is the histrionics that ensued.
Once I ascertained that he was inside me (and trust me I had to do an extremity-count because I couldn’t feel much) I was absolutely astounded by the caterwauling that went on.
He was bucking and weaving, moaning and panting and sweating. And sweating. There was so much sweat I have to say it twice. This dude sweated out alllllll my edges. It was about 10,000,000 kilowatts of energy to light a 40-watt bulb. You know what I'm saying? I was completely flabbergasted. And thank G-d for that because if not I would have fallen asleep, it was that bad.
I just laid there, watching this bead of sweat collecting at the tip of his chin and thinking “yes work that little d*ck boy”. And if you know me at all you know I don’t talk like that so trust me when I tell you it was so crazy it gave me multiple personalities.
Anyway, to add insult to injury the shit didn’t go on very long either. No length, no girth, no stamina. Poor child. I feel sorry for his future wife.
I really don't need to say anything more than that.
"No length, no girth, no stamina. Poor child. I feel sorry for his future wife."
Wow. =/
Those close to me know the instance of which i'm about to speak..
This is an excerpt of a gchat recap.. (because i don't wanna type it out again..)
or maybei just wasn't into him that much
EFF MY LIFE!!!
i typed it all out and it didn't post…
i can't do it…
if ya'll really want it, you can hit me up.. Lol….
The worst…
1. My first, couldn't find it. Spent 15min humping my thighs. I understand it was my first time, and I was tight, but damn. smh… He was my man though, so it got a little better. At least he found the right entrance. But he still only lasted about 15min. No bueno.
2. The Quick Humper. Dude thought he was running the 100m in the Olympics. And he crossed the finished line in record time, every time.
I've had a few bad experiences, but my most recent worse was between my last and current girfriends.
There is no long, interesting story, and this may be TMI, but she just couldn't handle it. She kept complaining. She could only do missionary or get on top. We tried doggie-style, but after 15 seconds she said she couldn't do it and it hurt too much. I was thinking to myself, just take it like a woman! Go get you a d!ldo, a cucumber, whatever, and learn how to something inside you bigger than your pinky! Practice, lady, practice!
LOL. So they couldn't handle the beef?
Not at all. The most effed up thing about it is she was Mexican, and she ruined the whole stereotype of Latinas being great in bed for me. She didn't only clown herself, but an entire ethnicity of people.
And this is why you should always bet on black. lol.
Hey hey hey!!!! not all Latinas are created equal!!! I can most definitely say that!
Lola: "Hey hey hey!!!! not all Latinas are created equal!!! I can most definitely say that!"
Sniff…(wiping tear from eye)…that's why I love you Lola. Just let me believe that one stereotype is true, and that I just happened to run into the only Latina that wasn't that good!
In my Sen. Davis voice, "SHHHEEEIIITTTTT!!!
#WIRE4EVER
Unless there is a some medical issue that prohibits them from partaking in a good back old fashioned back blowout… it would be my suggestion that they take some deep cleansing breaths, lock elbows, assume the postion(preferably doggy style) , pop an arch and let you open it up…sorry if I was a little blunt, Im sleep deprived and high off of Clorox Bleach.
wow! Lol practice does make perfect and enables you to handle anything
So, I had been "dating" this guy I met at work for about 2 months. I can't really tell you why I was still talking to him, as there were many issues outside of the bedroom, but I'm the type to give too many chances. This guy took the idea of pressuring to have sex to a whole nother level, and I'd had to tell him off about it more than once. Anyhow, I had had a few drinks and finally gave in to the pressure (sidebar: the dumbest reason to sleep with someone is pressure, I have no excuses for why I let someone pressure me into sleeping with them when I wasn't ready), and I definitely regret it.
So, this guy was on the shorter/stockier side (he wasn't fat, but fairly muscular). He got on top of me, and literally put all of his weight on me and moved just enough that he would get some satisfaction out of it. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. When I was able to muster up enough room to free my arms, I kept pushing him off, but he'd end up right back there. When I told him that I couldn't breathe, he'd moved for a few moments, but ended up right on top of me like some dying animal. Then this mothasucka grabs my hands and puts them on his neck, talking about he likes to have his neck massaged while doing the do.
I can't for the life of me figure out why I had never noticed the many NECK PIMPLES he had going on, but him shoving my fingers in there still makes me want to vomit. ::dry heave:: I took my hands away and he kept trying to force them back (all while still laying directly on top of me while barely moving), until I snatched them away forcefully. Just as I'm about to pass out from not only my disgust, but from lack of air, he finishes. I literally rolled his a** of me and onto the floor. As he heads to the bathroom, I look at the clock. What felt like an eternity was really only about 5-6 minutes. WTH!
I gathered my things while he was in the bathroom cleaning up and left without saying a word. He started blowing my phone up about 3 minutes later. The voicemails started sounding worried, then got really really pissed about me leaving his door unlocked. This man showed up at my work multiple times (luckily I wasn't there once) and blew my phone up for months. I never spoke to him again.
Once I let my fingers rest, I'll come back with the story where I think I was somebody's worst.
Oh my God. *face drops* the neck pimples part made me :-X only because of the emphasis you put on it. Sane… hug?
Sane: "When I told him that I couldn’t breathe, he’d moved for a few moments, but ended up right on top of me like some dying animal.
I can’t for the life of me figure out why I had never noticed the many NECK PIMPLES he had going on
You murdered me with the dying animal comment. Then you strapped on your proton pack and Ghostbusted my spirit with the neck pimples comment.
I heart you for the Ghostbuster reference #undercovergeek
Ok, not so undercover.
Hey, I just remember the movie! Then again, I am a undercover geek, so I guess I can't argue.
Neck pimples?! Ewwww! Sane?! Lol
It was a cluster of 'em. *shudders*
I deserve a frickin medal for that one.
sidebar: the dumbest reason to sleep with someone is pressure, I have no excuses for why I let someone pressure me into sleeping with them when I wasn’t ready
^^^I've done this and like you, i regretted it too…
I wanna give you a hug now after reading that!
I 've been super busy, so I know no one's reading this but when I tell you I cried?!?!?! Girl….no. Just…no! LMAO!
The worse experience I had was with the guy before my current one. From outward appearances, he looked good, so good, I would get wet just thinking about him. But once he dropped them briefs, I needed a microscope to locate his aparatus. I thought he had a smoked sausage but was disappointed when all I got was a vienna sausage. He could have made amends if he knew what to do with the vienna, but after what seemed like seconds, he exploded and I was still lying there wondering–WTF just happened.
Welcome *throws e-confetti*
I think.
Thanks for the welcome
hmmmmm can't relate to this post today…
I always got a Not good but Grrreat Pu**y Report A++
Don't believe me, you can ask all 4 of them!!!..Shooooo.. #headswoll #patsselfonback
ha!!!
i have had a few wack experiences, and like you sir, i had to fake an o, which i'm sure violates a man law somewhere. unfortunately, that's the only way to feasible way to eject.
#fml
This dude bit my nipple. Not a chase bite but I'se so hongry bite. I hit on his head a la wack a mole style but let him continue. It was second sexual experience don't judge me. He put the tip and came. He rolled off and I got up and went home. Got home and saw that his pitbull nipple bite drew blood. I'll stop right there.
oh, and someone please remind me again how to link your gravatar situation to here…someone told me and by the time I got around to it I forgot.
create a profile at gravatar.com linking the email address that you use here.
Thanks pimpin!
I waited 5 yrs to smash my first boyfriend. I threw it at him all threw HS and after. I wanted him to be my first. Because we were good friends and because well just because. Finally finally after coaxing and a lil bit of Johnny Walker. Why he liked JW I have no idea.. Im at his house. We getting it in. He's a great kisser. Still the best kisser I've had til this day..MMM yeah so were kissing. He takes my clothes off. I take off his.. Im ready. He seems ready. Four play on tap great.. Now he's on top. Im so ready. yes its finally happening!!! 3 strokes and a poke and he was done.. I wanted to cry. I wanted to beat him up. I loved this dude but since he didnt beat it up I wanted to beat him up. I chalked it up to him being nervous or the liqour or him being tired. But I gave him a 2nd and a 3rd chance and the same thing happened. 3 strokes and a poke and he's snoring next to me like we went 30 min and not 3. Oh well we are still friends and even tho he still tries to smash I have never let it happen AGAIN. I dont want to hurt him..
Haha I feel the pain, but like Bernie Mac said "3 minutes is a full round in a heavyweight fight, and people been knocked in the first round!". However, on some Bill Maher isht, NEW RULE, if you do it 3 times and it lasts a combined total of under double digit minutes, you automatically get Worst Ever Had status.
I wont go into detail, but I dated a girl who I literally couldnt have sex with. Everything was "slow down" or "it hurts" or whatever. Luckily she gave that bomb fiya headie wops.
I'm glad my fellow men are willing to admit that they go up to bat and sometime strike out. I dont strike out often but when I do, its usually b/c i was going for the fences and got out ahead of the fast ball lol. It happens to the best of us
lol @ your baseball analogy! my son gives me a similar explantion when he doesnt have a good at bat during his baseball games!
How about Peso? or Peseta? Lol
I swear to effing God I know who that girl is… I swear!
LOL feeling the baseball analogy. Sometimes ya gotta stay back and wait on that hanging curve and win it with a walk off in the bottom of the 9th
Excellent Post Mr Jones
Thank you sir, good to be back up on SBM
How I have never passed by here I do not know. Post was genius, and hilarious.
The fish flopping and face devouring…classic
Thanks for the love….glad to bring you that crack. Actually told that story to my West Coast Sex in the City female committee and they all #DIED! One friend knows the subject of this story and literally said "really??!! But she can dance though"………SMH, people are still getting #swindled.
Just getting around to checking the feedback from the Friday post. Hilarious stories……glad I'm not the only one out there who's experienced bad beats…..that whole hock spitting in the kitty though, that's beyond bad beats and for those who've experienced it, I'm here if you need counseling.
Up until about two weeks ago I could say I had a few lacklutimes in the sack, but never awful. Man that changed a few weeks ago.
I'm new to being single againand it had been 2 mos since receiving strokes so I called Keith. He says he's down n I can come thru. I go to the bathroom n by the time i come back he's Buck nekkit. (Bad sign 1 he was hasty)He kissed me n he had the worst breath I've ever smelled.(bad sign 2) I stop n tell him brush his teeth. As he walks to the bathroom I notice he now has breast… fastforward. He finally gets it "in" n his stroke had no rhythm, he told me he was really about to tear that azz up. I look at him in disgust n notice his breast are jiggling. N he then says "suck my tiddies"*vomitted in my moth some*. I asked for a cup of water n when he came out I was dressed n ready to go. This is only a brief summary. It was adult n I was so mad on the train ride home. I wasted time and $4.50 for nothing.
As a result I called the ex the following week to get the good good.
I look at him in disgust n notice his breast are jiggling. N he then says “suck my tiddies”
OMG!!! WTF!!!! That's soooo gross!!!
Long story short. Was good friends for about 2 years. Good guy, great father (3 girls), good to his mama but didn't grab me in that way. He'd spent the night many times before with no problems, always hit the sofa, never tried to make it to the promise land.
Until a dry spell rolled through and I was on a hunt.
Figured he was around, what the hell??
I'm no where near the grand canyon but I wasn't sure it was actually there. Only the fact that my thighs weren't getting poked clued me in. The 2nd hint came via the heavy breathing and real extra movement atop of me. With this confirmation and sad sad realization, I immediately moved to plan B. How to get to retain this friendship? After some oohs, aaahs, yeahs and academy worthy performances I asked was he almost there. He said "you'll know because I'll lock in like a pit bull and tear this a** up" REALLY? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? WITH WHAT? WITH THAT? PIT BULL?
Friendship over! In all ll good conscious, I cannot ever allow you the chance to think this could ever happen again so he never slept on my sofa again AND he was was rechristened from my friend Nick to Nick with the Little Stick. Over 20 years later I still wonder how his baby creators made it out that little thing and swam so far up there with the smallest launch pad possible.
“you’ll know because I’ll lock in like a pit bull and tear this a** up”
DEAD!!!!
alright well clearly I do not know any of you well enough to share that story.. but I'll tell the one that happened to a good friend of mine…
she experienced her first white boy.. they were doing it doggy style, he pulled her hair…. her track/weave was ripped off her head.
first it hurt like hell, second the poor white boy freaked out!
he definitely was the worst she ever had! (I took the topic in a weird directions).. sorry
Well I have two recent worsts.
The 1st was one guy, who was small and top heavy so he squished the hell out of me. He hoisted himself so far up on top of me so that his nipple, hairy albeit, was right in alignment with my face so I could lick it while he pumped away furiously. He would put the nipple to my mouth like I was a nursing baby ad say "LICK!". *shudder*
The next guy proudly told me he wore the "Gold wrapper" but when I saw his equipment in person, I knew that wasn't the case. Since I liked him and I hadn't had any in 6 months, I went through with it. It started off fine…until he came and tried to hide it. Pumping like speedy gonzalez like I wasn't going realize he now had a flaccid johnson. THEN when I took myself off of him, the condom fell off and everything spilled on my bed. He needs to wear the right size condom.
There was a time where I should have been the worst, but I actually wasn't…or was I?
I was out with a friend of mine and we flirt a little but we kept it in the friend zone. We got BLASTED one night last year and I put the moves on him in his car. It was REALLY hot and heavy. So we go to my place and continue, like nothing. I hand him a condom. He puts it on, I lay back and that was it. I was OUT COLD and didn't remember anything after handing him a condom.
Now he has said more than once that it felt really nice and that I had that "good-good" (all without me asking) but we've surely never done it again. We do maintain a good friendship though.