SBM: Man … sometimes I wonder if I will be able to keep the future Mrs. SBM happy. Will I be a good husband?
Old Black Barber: What you talking about young buck?
SBM: I’m saying, even with all the information I’m dishing out, I still don’t understand women. They remain batsh*t crazy a mystery.
OBB: What? Ain’t nothing to understanding women. Sheeeeet. Only one thing you gotta learn when it comes to marriage!
SBM: Really? There is only one thing I need to know to keep my wife smiling and cooking me the big piece of chicken for the rest of my life.
OBB: Big piece of chicken, a smile on her face, and head while watching football.
SBM: Word! Dome and the game!
OBB: Yessir.
SBM: Well come with it man (pause). What is the secret?
OBB: Three words … “She’s always right”
SBM: WTF! That bullsh*t is what you had to tell me.
OBB: Man … trust me … you need to heed wha
SBM: *cutting him off* Man … get me out this chair and get off my head.
Since I was a kid, television, books, and old men alike seemed to have reiterated one concept over and over again. One nugget of “wisdom” to staying happily married:
The Woman is always Right!
Even at a tender young age I was able to see this statement for what it really was:
Good husbands are first and foremost punks when it comes to “her” wishes
If there was one single overriding factor that led me to permanently put the word “single” in my online name … this was it.
Sitcoms to me always had this indirect notion that the husband never really wore the pants. Sometimes it was blatant like “Married with Children”, but sometimes it was more covert like “I Love Lucy” where Ricky’s word never held up to Lucy’s whims. Can you really think of a good sitcom that didn’t show a husband constantly admitting fault in fights? Was there a domestic dispute which ended with Mrs. Banks saying “honey … you’re right. We shouldn’t bring my nephew from the ghetto to live in our house with his dope boy friends”? No you say … exactly. But more importantly, I remember hearing this a lot from older men I was a kid.
“You know you can’t argue with a woman boy … you’ll always lose. I might wear the pants, but I don’t run sh*.”
“Yeah, I really wanted to buy a truck for when I go fishing, but you know the misses wasn’t having that and set me straight.”
There seemed, for a very long period of my life, to be this thought that, for a man to get married, he had to instantly give up every argument, whether right or wrong. If not, he was sleeping on the couch with dry balls. The only way to keep peace in the house was to submit on any major argument. Basically, marriage was a really a commitment to taking L’s for the rest of your life.
Now … as an adult we all know this isn’t true. The ideal marriage is a give and take with enough compromises to keep everyone happy. Also, if the husband is being a real husband and taking care of his family, then he will get the big piece of chicken and the final say in major matters.
In addition, it rarely seemed to go down like this in real life. I don’t remember seeing families in real life where the husband simply said “yes, honey”. Didn’t happen in my house. Didn’t happen at my best friends house. Where was this even coming from besides the all female writing staff of major networks?
So why does this negative stereotype of husbandry exist? Why are young black men being turned off of commitment and marriage because of some antiquated way of handling business? WTF is going on?
Am I just seeing things? Has my jaded past warped me so much that I see things that aren’t there? Am I high losing it?
SBM aka I bend over for no woman aka “Who ate my big piece of chicken?”
"So why does this negative stereotype of husbandry exist? Why are young black men being turned off of commitment and marriage because of some antiquated way of handling business? WTF is going on?"
Between "She's always right"
and
"Half"
it makes a lot of brothas (and white guys as well) stop and pause…
i think a lot of guys see the advice, and see the more..uhm…'demonstrative' members of the opposite sex proclaim in person, in blogs, in tweets, in status updates, in tv shows what they will do, and won't do…
^that might throw fellas off too..
but at the same time, that doesn't mean that a woman doesn't exist that would be more willing to work with a brotha, more willing to NOT want to win every argument…
and that's who brothas should focus their attention on.
i'm sure they're out there….
great comment.
yes…great comment
"if the husband is being a real husband and taking care of his family, then he will get the big piece of chicken and the final say in major matters" <— WORD. I cant speak for any other woman out there, but a man who "Yes, honey"'s me to death…that sure is a punk, not my equal, and definitely not the head of my household.
LMAO @ the big piece of chicken!
I never saw my mom punk my father…so i never really thought that the man had to constantly take the L…hopefully, there is more compromises then just losses and wins (this is being ideal though). I like to be right but I know it isn't possible for me to ALWAYS be right…i'll accept when i'm wrong when it happens (it just isn't now but i don't have a husband so i'm good), lol!
Now, need help finding who ate your big piece of chicken?
Good post!
And this is why this confuses me so much. Very few people can actually speak to seeing this punkishness in real life, but why is the media just trying to paint a different story.
I think the media is lightweight trying to emasculate men because in Caribbean households, that wouldn't fly…but its not in the African American tv shows that i have seen…unless ish has changed (since i don't watch much tv outside of the movie channels). I wonder what the reasoning behind this change in family dynamics is.
I think that the point is to make the woman FEEL like she is mostly right or that she is getting her way. When my mom asks my step-dad to do something he says yes but hes just saying yes to shut my mom up for a little bit.
He mostly lets her win the little battles, like lowering the volume on the TV, eating veggies etc. When it comes to the big things like when and where to spend the money, he almost always wins….or holds out until she gives up. So in the grand scheme of things she wins more often, but he gets the big battles. And I think deep down they both know that and they are both comfortable with that.
No woman wants a punk, but we women do think that we are always right, so it is the man's job to pick and choose his battles. You get the big piece of chicken and the final say on major matters by keeping us happy on the day-to-day stuff.
I think that the point is to make the woman FEEL like she is mostly right or that she is getting her way. When my mom asks my step-dad to do something he says yes but hes just saying yes to shut my mom up for a little bit. > THIS!!!
Big piece of the chicken… wth I want all the chicken and ya'll can have what I don't eat.
Its not about being a punk, its just most of the small BS that couples have to deal with matters more to women than they do to men.Generally, the woman is the queen of the house & should get w/e she wants but this is why you get you a wife w/ some damn sense.
Lastly, who cares if you're a punk if you're actually happy
I agree w/ Peyso & Kriola. I really think it's a combination of both answers. There is something to be said for what the older generation is saying… they are still married & might add — a lot of them happily — it's our generation that is getting married and divorced faster than Clark Kent can become Superman. Kriola hit a good point when she said "…the point is to make the woman FEEL like she is mostly right…". As two individuals coming together to form a married couple there are going to be lots of things you differ on… and lots of opportunities for you to decide if you should take the W or L. However, on something small (where to eat for dinner per se)… what would it benefit you to take the W? We all know women are emotional… you'd have an emotionally upset person on your hands for no reason. And trying to reason w/ her about her being upset for nothing isn't going to help… I'm pretty sure that's what your OBB was referring to. Lastly, "Lastly, who cares if you’re a punk if you’re actually happy", there is no one in your marriage but you and your wife so EVEN if you were being a "punk" but you're happy and she's happy… is there a crime being committed? No one knows about your punkish ways but you.
Ye-Men!
^^^^THIS! Nothing to add…
I think it's a generation gap. I heard the same stuff growing up, and continue to get the some advice from older men. It's less about wins and losses and more a out knowing how to argue constructively and not get too nasty. Embracing inevitable conflict is key.
Generally speaking if the wife is happy..the homelife will be more peaceful. So, it will behoove the man to make sure that his wife is happy…right?
My ex used to say "yes sweetheart" all the time…and he was actually out there thronxing like there was no tomorrow..but, I digress….lol.
I feel like I talk about my marriage alot but it really was a learning experience..I learned never to marry again…ba dum bum……LOL…Thank youu..I'm here all week! LOL
Ima let MOST and Redlady speak on this one! I got nothing….
LMAO @ your stand up routine. I was definitely the one person clapping amongst the crickets!! Great show…
Thanks SO FLYY!
Uh huh! smh…SBM…there u go again…*sighs*…u know she's your queen to be…so let it be…pay her some lip service (pause), eat your chicken and be happy
These age old dynamics exists for a reason…
- women are emotional and vocal creatures…it's not like u werent thinking it but she's said out loud first. We like praise and validation so show some love and tell her she's right
- u tell us there's a problem and that means u need to fix something in the house…u rule the roost but that's our domain…so we go on… and on… and on…AND ON. Son we will just keep nagging until u do it or things get worst…either way…u took your sweet time and that was wrong so she's right
- in the heat of the moment both men and women won't admit to being wrong…to fuel the fire women will hurl your past mishaps at u (even tho it has nothing to do with the situation at hand)…we're doing it to validate our case cos if we're noting all the times we were right and u weren't in the past then of course it's the same with this argument…just say 'honey it makes me feel incompetent when u won't admit that u are wrong about the little things'…that'll grab our attention…but if u can't admit to feeling incompetent (cos we know that men shiver at the thought that incompetent could ever be a part of their personal trait)…just keep it simple and bring the shouting to a end by admitting she's right.
p.s
Sit your a$$ back down and get that hair cut just the way she likes…she says it suits u and u know she's right about that too!
- in the heat of the moment both men and women won’t admit to being wrong…
I think most people are like this, but, as a husband, you have to get past this. The sooner a husband gets beyond right a wrong, the sooner he'll be happy.
completely co-sign that
See thats the thing it took meeee alonggg time to realize is as a man you have to pick your battles and she will respect you for it if you follows the "Dons Art of war"
1. Do not i repeat do not engage in annnnnny petty discussions (drape colors, remote control battles) thats minor and you will look minor in her eyes if you actually engage in it.
2. DO NOT I repeat do not back down on something that you are adament about not doing. If you feel like your woman is trying to test you she prolly is. No matter what women say they will try to push you to see if you are a punk or not Dont Fail homie.
Lol this is funny…I agree that not all cases is this true but in some instances this can apply.
Like the saying goes, "Happy wife, happy life".
Funny thing…I've fallen for a man that won't engage in ANY type of battle. I hear "you're right sweetheart" a lot. It annoys me to no end because I'm fiery/fiesty by nature…but at the same time I love it about him because no other man has EVER "handled" me as well as he does. He sees the fire and douses it out faster than I can blink with his simple "you're right sweetheart". And there is nothing even remotely "punk" about him. Nothing. I respect his quiet strength and find comfort within it.
This. I agree.
I think it's all about how you approach your marriage. When I touched on this topic with Most, we really took a deep dive into what makes a marriage successful and how to be a great husband. Go back and read that post. I think that a lot of men give up or get ignorant in marriages. I've seen too many examples to count.
I'm opinionated, yes, but i'm not treating my relationship like a great debate. So yeah, I understand that sometimes women like to discuss things at length and as a man, i'm always the type who says:
What's the issue? What's the resolution? How can we move past it? Rather than belaboring over who is right and who is wrong.
Real talk.
Also, if you marry the right woman you won't feel like a punk even if she's spoiled as all hell.
"Also, if you marry the right woman you won’t feel like a punk even if she’s spoiled as all hell."
LOL…you just described Mr Smiley and me. I'm spoiled as HELL but Mr ain't no punk, he can shut it down with one look.
"but Mr ain’t no punk, he can shut it down with one look."
I LOVE this. I look forward to it. Lol.
That is all!
U hit it on the head Dr. J. Thats the difference between being in love and a sucker for love. There is nothing wrong with doing all that stuff if its given back to u.
"I’m opinionated, yes, but i’m not treating my relationship like a great debate. So yeah, I understand that sometimes women like to discuss things at length and as a man, i’m always the type who says:
What’s the issue? What’s the resolution? How can we move past it? Rather than belaboring over who is right and who is wrong."
Well said. I wish people would stop looking at relationships as winning and losing. It's not a battle…why would you be with someone you had to dominate or "win" over all the time. Play video games or sports…not with someone's heart.
If you're in a relationship that's built on love and respect it's not about those things…or it shouldn't be.
"Also, if you marry the right woman you won’t feel like a punk even if she’s spoiled as all hell."
Amen. And hopefully, you're being spoiled in some way as well.
Cosign! A man that can spoil his woman and still be the man GETS it!
the more women I meet, the more I realize this: women are more emotionally based decision makers than just pure "logic and rationale". thats not to say you/yall dont make sense…I just blame it on the estrogen and chalk it up. It is what it is…because this is the bottom line. You got two choices : 1)deal with it 2)start dating men. Im choosing "estrogen flare ups with a said of Va-jay-Jay" 10 times out of 11. pick and choose your battles, find compromise in the situation, but be no womans chew toy.
Are you sure you didn't mean 11 times out of 11? #justsayin
OH SNAP! you know what I meant. 11 times out of 10
(stands at podium and has Public Affairs issue statement of retraction)
no Freudian slip on my a$$, thats just me not doing my math homework all through highschool.
Im sitting here at work like "dang…I really did just do that". Can I chalk it up to Monday?
I've consulted with… well, myself and have decided to let it slide. This time.
Why does it make you feel like a punk to give your wife what she wants? Hopefully you married a woman with some sense who will make good decisions that will benefit the entire family and not just her own selfish needs. It's a woman that makes a house a home, so if she's happy, you will always get the big piece of chicken and everything else you wanted to go with it. And you will feel like the man that you are!
One time, Mrs. Most and I were gearing up to do some painting. Now, me knowing my Mrs., I know that if I take her to the Home Depot to pick out colors, she's gonna stand in front of the swatches for 45 minutes, comparing two colors that look exactly the same. I also know that, after 10 minutes, I will have already figured out what I want, and after 30 minutes, I'll be annoyed and just say whatever. She'll then get mad, and we'll be on the line with a compromised color neither of us really likes not talking to each other. And then, even after we've made up, we're still stuck with a living room a color neither of us really wanted.
So, instead of letting it get there, I wake myself up super early on Saturday morning, go to Home Depot, pick out 6 colors I really like and bring the swatches home. Now, instead of choosing between 500 colors in the home depot – most of which I probably don't like, she can sit in the comfort of our bed and choose between 6 colors I'm happy with. We debate those colors, go back and forth a little (even though I like them all) and eventually, I let her make the final decision. It's a win-win. We both get a color we like, she feels like she got her way, and I get to maintain the 1 thing I desire more than anything else: Peace. When her friends come by and say how much they love our home and it's décor, she can tell them how she picked most of it out, or how we picked stuff together, and I'm content knowing the truth. This, obiously goes beyond home décor and paint colors. This is how everything works – or – most things I should say.
Basically, the key to being a husband is Inception. You have to perform inception on your wife every single day. You plant seeds and water them and wait till the fruits are perfectly ripe, then you pick them and plant some more. The best way to avoid arguing and bickering is to make your wife see the world the same way you see it. You both have to be looking through the same eyes. To do this, you can't be lazy. You have to set aside your natural urge to let things just happen, and instead, deliberately plan everything out ahead of time and effectively communicate that plan to your wife. A woman will follow a man through hell – and by hell I mean – HELL, as long as he planned to go there for a good reason, communicated that plan to her, and had a plan to get out.
Guess thats it…
You know what? Women do this too. Parents do it. Example, my mother would give me a list of activities to choose from for the summer. I felt like I was making a decision. But she'd already selected the most appropriate options. Everyone wins. I think the soft skill of getting someone to see things from your eyes (I love how you put that) is not being nurtured in our children or even in our generation. A lot of people want their mates, children, friends to have so much respect for them that they blindly follow. But a real leader, a real thinker knows that it's not how hard you push the horse, if the horse took the path you chose, etc. if the goal is to get the horse to drink. The horse is drinking the water. Success! Who cares who gets the credit so long as the horse isn't dying of thirst on the way home?!
Oh and to answer the main question for why the "Wives are always right" ideology exsists. It's because most men are too weak, too lazy, or just not wise enough to know how to gently mold the areas of their spouses worldview that aren't in line with their own. So instead of doing that – they take the easy way out and just let their wife have her way. Regardless of the impact it has on the household and family.
This is brilliant, inception is the key! 'Cause even if we figure it out, we don't care because we got to make the decision in the end……I think you may have found the secret to life.
LOL at the whole Home Depot situation.
I'm picturing you getting aggravated after looking at swatches for a half hour and her saying, "honey, I can't decide, should we paint the living room Ivory, Eggshell, Peaceful Cloud, Snowfall, Old Man's Beard, or Marshmallow?"
And you replying, "IT'S ALL WHITE! JUST PICK ONE AND LET'S GO!"
Hugh – Exactly. In addtion to that, I'm already praying for patience because being a man, I like to go to the Home Depot early (read: before 9AM) because after 10 AM, it gets stupid in there. But, if we've gone there together, it's probably closer to 1pm because Mrs.Most doesn't like to get up early. So now, we been looking at 12 different whites for 1/2 hour, the line to get out the store looks like the line to get into M2, it's now 1:30 pm and the (insert big college football game) starts in 10 minutes. Saturday.Ruined.
Inception is the key.
Most, this is why i love it when you comment here…funny my dad does this to my mum but my mum also plant seeds in my dad and he rides it out as his idea…age old #swindles
Isn't marriage suppose to be a partnership in between two individuals who are in love?
A marriage should be a two way street. Not a "I wear the pants in the family", its all about compromise. If you can't do that, then why are you getting married?
my foster parents met in like…9th grade, and havent been apart since…ive never seen them have an argument, not that they dont.but it looks to be a completely even keeled relationship. #beautiful
All great comments. Its a battle of egos and a war of wills, but compromise can be an effective peace treaty.
LOL @ your gravatar…you finally chucked Zelda the deuces, huh?
great post dude. first i think a good sitcom that showed equal responsibility when it came to who was right and who was wrong is the cosby show.
i'm not married but i'll be damned if i'll concede every argument to my future wife. life doesn't work that way. no one is right all the time and if i feel like i'm right you best believe my points will be brought forth. i'm not saying that i'll argue my future wife down every time. i know how to pick my battles but her word will not be the end all.
and who ever made up that notion that a man has to sleep on the couch or in the guest room when his woman is mad at him? i wish i would. you have a problem with me yet i have to sleep uncomfortably? the nerve. if i'm mad at you what happens then? i still sleep on the couch. that's laughable.
That whole woman is right thing is/was NEVER the case in my house. My mother would and has followed my father to the ends of the earth knowing it was a terrible idea, because a good woman/wife does as her husband says and stands by her man. I for one wish I saw that type of dynamic in my household or at least more of a compromise and give and take.
A lot of what I see identified as "simp" behavior on this site is simply being a mature adult/gentleman in my opinion. This idea of constantly asserting some notion of your manhood is ridiculous to me.
Between my mom & my dad, I get confused on who's who. My mom handles the money in the house BUT she has to report to my dad when things aren't going the way they should be around the house. So yeah, she might get away with mad sh!t, but my dad does NOT play. I don't always bring zodiac shit into things but let me say this: my mom – the hothead of the house – is a Leo. My dad – cool-calm-collected – is a Cancer. She's loud; he's quiet. She's the actor; he's the planner. My mom is the sword around the house. But my dad is the hand that holds the sword. [I think that analogy kinda works to explain how they work. I can't think of an easier one.] But yeah, like I was saying, no matter what the husband of this picture is in charge given the amount of leeway my mom gets to make moves and decisions in the household. This whole "You Right" swindle [for females] is going to backfire over and over again. Y'all better quit. And as mentioned earlier (Dr. J), if you marry the right one, it won't really matter.
A lot of comments up there, so I skimmed and couldn't point out too many but s/o to Mrs. Smiley and Most. And everyone else who's been married. Okay. Bye.
@SBM OMG, I don't know where to start… First, I would like to thank SBM, for giving us another heavy hitter… Always getting into discussion into heavy relationship topics, and I feel like a more mature black male after reading them… And I can better deal with the women that I encounter & the BEAST that is Black Women (whom is my first choice in relationships/LTC)…
my hope is that when I am clicking on ALL cylinders, I can help the men who contribute in these columns to better succeed with women, because I believe, I believe I really have some gold to give to you…
And of course I love my mature female posters… (who will sooner or later, dislike me & some my comments) It's really soothing to my spirit when a woman's uses her brain… love you guys
@TMIMITW
Your relationship management technique is phenomenal… "Hands up in the air", cause at the end of the day, your intention is peace WHILE maintaining your masculine place in the relationship, not to sacrifice peace AT ALL COSTS… And I TOTALLY AGREE when you are in a relationship with a woman, YOU CANNOT GET LAZY, OR CONTENT, etc… You will lose everytime… It's the equivalent of falling asleep at the wheel of a car…
@SEVEN OMG, I love the way your SO, handles you, because I am a peaceful, slightly feminine male, so my women tend to be fiery/spicy & and slightly masculine (sexual polarity), but that is one way I would deal with those types of women… The tougher but also efficient way to deal with fiery women is to match their energy once in a while… And be a man of action & not just words (empty threats), I am perfecting that technique as we speak… (part of becoming a well integrated male) good comment babe
Where he leads I follow…not without kicking up a lil dust though. lmao
Adonis we are all works in progress and hopefully we will all make it "there" over time.
@The Don Totally agree… As a man it is my birthright to lead… I'm not a big fan of compromise or those 50/50 relationships… It's my way or the highway… Women are going to test your strength until the day you die, and you have to be a man through & through… Something that I am getting close to mastering
Good evening guys,
This is the perfect time to introduce my courtship/relationship theory… And this is a relationship issue so, this is the man's fault, point blank… Let me explain…
I see courtship as a pre-requisite to a relationship between a man & woman… More importantly, during courtship/dating,
IT IS THE WOMAN'S JOB TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER THIS MAN IS CAPABLE ENOUGH TO LEAD HER THROUGH A WONDERFUL QUALITY RELATIONSHIP
And because women are the ones who primarily deal with the kids it is even more of her responsibility to choose the right man…
the man can reject the woman if he doesn't like the way the courtship is going, but it is still a woman's domain… She initiates it, and she is one who allows that man to penetrate her…
(That why I look at single black mothers and realize that more often than not, she is the primary reason why she is in the situation that she is in)
Moving on…
Once a man penetrates a woman a few times, and give her orgasms (you are making her cum, I hope)… She slowly but becomes more bonded to her man, and more often than not, more receptive to play her part in the relationship…
WE ARE NOW IN THE REGION WHERE A MAN NOW HAS CONTROL AND RESPONSIBILITY OVER THIS RELATIONSHIP, POINT BLANK
Now, just like in courtship,
a woman can reject a man, if she doesn't the way he leads, but he is still the leader nevertheless… Until she decides to end the relationship
What happens IN ALOT OF RELATIONSHIPS a man ENDS UP, giving up all of his relationship power over to the woman & then he wonders why the relationship went south… Women want you to have & keep the power… But they need to know that you will be a solid man, A ROCK that they can retreat to when it get rough for her…
Now, women test men ALL THE TIME… From courtship to relationship to marriage, Till Death Do Us Part… They do it to SEE IF YOU STILL CAPABLE OF LEADING… because They know that they just can't ask a man straight up if he is capable (NEWSFLASH – MEN LIE ALOT!!!), so she fucks with you to still see if you have what it takes… You have to be a man through & through…
@Berriblk AGAIN, you brung up a fantastic point… Men need to let women in the decision making more often… There is alot of GOLD in a woman's input, I have to take the time to sort through it… I know as a man who leads, that I am not perfect & that my woman is strong in some areas that I am not… I wish more men would loosen up on their dictatorship A LITTLE BIT, they would make alot less mistakes… BUT at the end of the day, I still make the final decision (after considering her input)…
For example their was a passage in the new testament (I think passage was in Matthew), where Jesus was waiting to be crucified unjustly and Pilate (the decision maker), was deliberating on whether he should crucify Jesus… His wife looked one look at Jesus and said with her higher wisdom "That is an innocent man, you should let him go"… (I know I butchered that, but that was the gist of it…)
I rest my case
#It'sARap, Thanks #SBM
ADONIS
In Summary
Women Are In Charge Of Courtship
Men Are In Charge Of The Relationship
Women Test Men For Strength, And Men Need To Be Men
Alot of men GIVE UP their relationship power, and then that is where the relationship goes south
@Berriblk Men need to loosen the belt a little bit & hear the woman's POV, leads to alot less mistakes
As far as media portraying this "women is always right" philosophy… I really don't know where it came from… I just know that is a bullsh*t approach to having a sucessful, high quality, long-term relationship…
In my experience, women simply don't fight fair. It saves a man a great deal of energy to allow her to win rather than trying to show her just how wrong she is.
I have proved my girl wrong a thousand times. Each time it took me about a day and a half to do it. If I just give her the W, I can avoid the research, laryngitis, and time loss. I'm still young, so I still fight.. but eventually I will soften with age and I won't want to fight anymore.
Now if you find a logical woman who learns from her mistakes, can admit being wrong, and can listen to reason then there's no reason why discussions can't be resolved just in time for shower sex.. But I honestly don't believe this is the nature of women.. sorry, ladies
Keep it simple…. smart men don't marry!!!
Marry a man that tells you to shut up, doesn't give you everything you want, and says stuff that is likely to make you mad when you don't reflect on it.
Men marry a woman that supports your ideas, pushes you to better yourself (even it requires stepping on your toes), and makes it a point to understand yours.