Now before I start, I want to stress that I do realize there are Long Distance Relationships that DO succeed, and this is in NO way meant to condemn them, but rather to cut through the everyday BS about relationships and get to the point that no one really wants to admit: Because intimacy is such a vastly important thing for humans to share and experience, the reality is your long-distance relationship needs to be physically open and emotionally closed to work.
I can already hear the “What the F*^k?” comments from the dudes and feel ‘Currently-in-a-long-distance-relationship girl‘ get vex as she slams both fists into her laptop’s keyboard in anger. Get mad all you want ladies & gentlemen, but the fact is many of you may NEED to consider the idea of keeping your long distance relationship OPEN to work, and some of you are ALREADY in an OPEN long distance relationship, but you just don’t know it yet.
The reason good long distance couples work out is because they both have a solid grasp over their physical desires [either because they are not as sexual as most people or because they are busier than most people] therefore they don’t require much to be pleased or they just simply don’t have the time to get what they want and by the time they have the chance, they are exhausted.
On the flip side, the reason long distance relationships rarely workout is because the absense of short-term intimacy creates the huge problem of maintaining focus and interest in the long-term benefits. And the reason I use INTIMACY and not just SEX, is because in a relationship, intimacy is MUCH more important than just sex. Nut-bustin’ can occur with any damn-body, but the subtle nuances of physical touching, caressing, feeling and just having their warm body next to you after a long-a*s day cannot be experienced with any ol’ person and should not be understated.
So here’s the dilemma: You are in a long distance relationship mostly devoid of REAL-intimacy because of the distance, yet the reason you are even a distance couple is because you both know a good thing when you see it, even if you don’t see it often enough. You NEED intimacy, but you also NEED that person in your life, so the BS logic of “Just-break up with the person” doesn’t apply, because they are worth far too much to lose, but now the lack of intimacy is slowly helping you lose your damn mind.
So what’s the answer?
Make your relationship emotionally closed and physically open. This is NOT about f*^king every person in the world, or treating yourself like a sloppy piece of meat, but it is about NOT holding the person you are with to the same standards you would hold them to if they lived around the block. Having your girl/boyfriend within a reasonable distance from you acts as a safety net to keep you in line and in check. When that person is no longer within a spontaneous drive away, you get into a zone where the difficulty isn’t choosing who’s better, but choosing between something and nothing at all.
This is not a advocation of cheating, this is a realistic assessment of a grim situation: How do you deal with maintaining a healthy relationship with the person you love who’s too far away to provide you with the close comfort you need? Masturbating, fantasizing and wishful thinking will only take you so far – and then both parties need to consider if dating others while still maintaining their own love is the right move.
This Is Your Conscience
http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/
this is truth.
I was in an LDR for a few months, and thank the gods she was already planning to move back to her home city before we got together.
The older [more mature] you get the easier it is for LDRs to work. When you learn to control your urges and just live your life.
You get no argument from me on this – physically open/emotionally closed relationships are a win in my book even if my dude lives next door.
i totally agree!!!!!!
No qualms. My last LDR was in 2005 and I want nothing to do with one ever again.
"Make your relationship emotionally closed and physically open." LOL! actually, the reverse might benefit the individual a bit more, since they would have (and have the freedom to pursue) other options that came up without cheating. Your suggestion might lead to a breakup anyway, and the big difference would be that absolutely no one 100% trusts someone who cheated with them not to cheat on them.
It seems to me that LDRs fail because people expect them to fail. How can you have a relationship when you go into it thinking 99.5% of these relationships fail? It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And you don't even realize that your own thoughts and beliefs about LDRs is why they never work for you. Maybe people should stop speaking failed relationships into existence, and focus on having positive relationships, whether long distance or across the street.
^This! I think you need to get hired onto the SBM staff [and VSB too for that matter]. :0|
"This is not a advocation of cheating, this is a realistic assessment of a grim situation"
Just re-read this and sorry but this is some ol bullsh*t!
IMHO, as soon as your relationship becomes "open" it's no longer a relationship and you're just basically cheating. And you're also opening up your partner to any STDs you might encounter along the way.
Don't agree with this sh*t at all….
Get em Eddie! I agree with you. People seem to have become so self-serving it is ridiculous. What is even sadder is people actually feel as if this crap is ok. SMDH.
I worry for my children and the state of this world.
The first thing I thought about was diseases. I admit I didn't read the end of the post before I commented. Open relationships AND being long distance at the same time (either or) is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
"as soon as your relationship becomes “open” it’s no longer a relationship and you’re just basically cheating."
1. Why does making your relationship open mean it's not a relationship?
2. If it's not a relationship how can you be cheating?
votes eddie brock to congress for this comment.
either be in or be out.
aint. no. half. steppin.
@ Max 1Why does making your relationship open mean it’s not a relationship?
2. If it’s not a relationship how can you be cheating?
Because the last time I checked "relationship" meant a monogamous interaction between two people. When folks around your way marry, do they pronounce you man, wife and sidepiece?
I'm pretty sure I may have a few years on you and if this is the prevailing attitude among women out there it may be time for me to look into the priesthood or send in my Shaolin monk application. If I'm with "girl X" then I'm in it for either a) the long haul or b) I catch her cheating and then as you kids say these days I'm chuckin' the dueces!
@Eddie
"Because the last time I checked “relationship” meant a monogamous interaction between two people."
That's the exact definition of a relationship. No need to become a priest. lol I've never met a woman in an open relationship. They are out there but def not the norm.
N.I.A. I don't care what you say, having a relationship with someone across the street will fail! Mostly b/c either or both are psycho. LOL. I'm just poking fun…
I've never been in a LDR, but I was in a marriage where the man was gone 70% of the time. I cannot disagree with your sentiments here at all.
This article is going to make 'nuff folks upset…
Devil's Advocate hat…
You first said, "the reason long distance relationships rarely workout is because the [absence] of short-term intimacy creates the huge problem of maintaining focus and interest in the long-term benefits."
Then you said the answer is, "Make your relationship emotionally closed and physically open. "
There's a HUGE flaw inside of that. You just said that there exists an immediate need of intimacy (read: physical closeness) that suffers due to the long distance. Then followed up by saying that it's not about having sex. Therefore it's like you're saying that the answer is to have an "open relationship" where the immediate intimacy (physical closeness) can be obtained. Contradiction: since intimacy is more than just physical, to have your long distance SO venture outside the relationship for physical closeness -> intimacy doesn't promote emotional closeness. In fact, I would've completely agreed if you tried to argue that a separation of sexual needs from intimacy was an order. Therefore having sexually open relationship would fit more to the solution you're proposing.
Based on your post, I'm not seeing how having a physically open relationship solves the problem of the lack of INTIMACY unless there's emotional openness. womp womp…
Moreover, intimacy is defined by the relationship. So in a long distance relationship given there's little/irregular physical closeness, various other forms of intimacy is THE relationship.
Here's another monkey wrench -> sometimes people catch feelings. So let's assume that whatever you really meant, either venturing outside a LDR for physical closeness or just sex. More than none, the physical closeness yields feelings.
I mean, you're basically saying people to set it up so that they have a person over to "keep them warm." "Oh I was just using you for your cuddle time. It's not that serious…" LOL
Applies the MeteorMan filter:
You're saying it's okay to have a person emotional tied to you even though YOU ARE physically venturing elsewhere. Basically, "Yeah, I'm f*ckin/being close to this/intimate with chick over here, but you gotta still be hung up on me [emotionally]."
Kind of… um… controlling… possessive?
"Yeah, we're dating other people, but you're still suppose to show me how much you love me"
Tell me how that sound…
I could be wrong and/or misunderstood, but probably not.
I caught the severe contradiction in here as well, but I just assumed that it was meant as a round-about way of still saying that these relationships should be physically open. *shrugs*
I thought they meant talk less, fcuk more. Let me reread. Okay maybe think about it less, leave sensitive emotions on the back burner and focus more on the intimacy to keep you two together. Okay maybe I'm reaching.
I've actually never been in a LDR either, so I really can't comment on this post…just reading and learning.
In my post collegiate life every relationship I have been in has been long distance, even though it was just a 2.5 hour drive at times that wasn't even every weekend at times. Now I'm just an hour or so away and its usually ever weekend we see each other but its very doable if you want it to and want to work on it.
I think most people either can't control themselves or go into it thinking its going to fail which is defeating the purpose anyway.
I think most people either can’t control themselves or go into it thinking its going to fail which is defeating the purpose anyway.
I think there's a big difference between the outlooks on relationships that start out as LDRs opposed to the SDRs that turn into LDRs. I consider those to be different kinds of LDRs.
I have no experience with this so I will just sit on the bench today and watch.
I did the long distance relationship off and on for about four years and lack of intimacy just about killed me. It wasn't so much about the chex but rather not having someone to hug me after a rough day or an "I love you" accompanied by the kiss on the forehead. If I ever do another ldr he can't be more than a 8 hour drive from me. Overseas is for the birds.
I'm currently in a long distance relationship and have been for over three years. It's definitely not easy but both people have to want it to work. I met my bf/fiancé 4 months after I moved out west to BC from Ontario. Wasn't looking for anything serious at the time but it moved that way. I trust him as much as you can trust what you don't see. I have to hope that he realizes how lucky he is to have me( as I realize how lucky I am to have him) and trust that he values the relationship enough not to fuck it up. I'm not gonna torture myself four provinces away and two time zones and think about what he could be doing. We've both comitted to doing this (eventually we will be in the same place) so until either one of us decides that we want out, it is what it is. On the plus side it gives me and excuse to travel often. I live in a small town so getting back to Toronto frequently is a bonus for me. When he comes here to visit it's equally beneficial for him since he gets a break from his everyday life.
I was in a long distance relationship (240 miles apart) for 2 YEARS and I can tell you that this is one of the most on point opinions of how it will work or fail. I completely cosign. When you cannot see the person often, you rely on phone conversation. Talking on the phone is much different than talking in person because you are not the convo is not enhanced by your physical attraction. Also, you cannot see their face so you are only in tune to what they say. This increases your chances for an arguement by alot (not sure the actual percentage
) Now take in consideration that it's time consuming to carry a phone around EVERY DAY. When you skip a day, you get the "why didn't you call me" then arguement. Then you have the whole trust issue when let's face it, most of the trust we have for our partner is based off of what we SEE and not what they say. When you can't see them, you rely only on what they say so trust starts going down the drain.
Now the intimacy or fcuking. I admire people who can have s.ex w/o intimacy however when you love someone and are in a relationship with them, s.ex IS intimacy. Once you pass the 1 year mark, the honeymoon sh*t starts to go down alittle so your intimacy is mostly kissing, spooning, quickies and S.EX. We need this to feel close to one another, otherwise the person is just a friend. So without it, the relationship turns into a friendship almost. And when that happens, the chances of your partner looking at someone else s.exually is higher. I don't care if the two of you are Will and Jada (without the swinging), if you can't see each other regularly, get ready for some other sh*t to go down. Once a month just aint enough. Maybe for some but not most.
My only advice is regular visits and Skype. If you've never had a naked skype session, you need to get on it. Skype can literally save a dying long distance relationship.
Oh and I disagree with one thing: dating others. This will not work. You open yourself up to get dumped because the saying Out of sight, out of mind, is very true. Unless you're a 10 on all levels (which is rare), you have to pray that the sub-girl/man isn't better than you in any way…cause if they are, sucks to be you cause you're getting left. Open relationships, swinging, etc NEVER works in the long run.
"Unless you’re a 10 on all levels (which is rare), you have to pray that the sub-girl/man isn’t better than you in any way…cause if they are, sucks to be you cause you’re getting left. "
Couldn't you make that argument about any woman your man comes into contact with?
I don't think that's an open relationship issue I think that's an insecurity issue.
What I'm trying to say is that letting your man see other women is a risk because what if he discovers that his sub-girl is better than you? More than likely, he'll upgrade and leave you. I'm not sure what insecurity has to do with that. Let your man sleep with other women and don't worry about him leaving because you're so secure in yourself? I don't follow this method of thinking. Confidence is a false security when in a relationship. You must always be aware of temptations, etc. I would never sit back and think I can't be replaced.
Yeah see maybe I'm an over-confident a$shole but I don't think to myself that my man is going to "upgrade" or find someone better than me. I've always been like – he's not going anywhere he knows where his bread is buttered.
Wow, hope there are not any military husbands/wives reading this. Per this post, it sucks to be them…
Have a GREAT weekend everyone!
Out of Sight Out of Mind…..
Hate to say this BUT
That statement is real deal with military personnel. #Justsayin..
I would agree if I didn't see first hand how people try to make it work. I was in the AF; I saw married couple fight, divorce, and try to be monogamous even though they were sometimes separated by an ocean. Only a few in my experience did the out of sight out of mind thing only to still end up divorcing because there is no trust once you are able to be in the same room.
It does work, I know because I have four aunts and uncles in the military with spouses; they have all been married 10+ years.
This is why I don't believe a lot of this negative talk about people in LDR’s …tell my aunt that and she will tell you, you get what you expect!
I think a lot of these issues can be resolved if people would stop putting the cart before the horse.
Before you enter a long-distance relationship, ask yourself, can you handle not seeing your SO for weeks or months on end? Can you trust them not to sleep with everyone in a 100-mile radius of where they live? Can you go more than a month without getting your walls stretched/member wet?
If you're a slave to your desires, or can't trust the other person, or need to see them every day, don't bother with the LDR in the first place. Or just admit to the person that they are the main guy/girl, but you have several concubines on the side.
LDRs aren't for me, open relationships aren't for me and the truth of this post is why. #KnowThyself.
@starita
YES. KNOW THYSELF.
I just wanted to say that I dig the name of your own blog. "thisisyouconscience.com" is pretty fly.
Outside of classified work assignments (it can mean whatever you want it to mean military, contractors, hitmen, alien chasers…) you shouldn't be in a LDR more than a year. You have to figure that you have spent enough time to know that you want to be with the person. After a year one of you has to move. Should you live together? Don't know, maybe you can be neighbors, or you can both move to a brand new place and start brand new. But to be in a LDR for more than a year with nobody making a move towards closing the LD there is a problem…at least a major issue.
To those who have been in a LDR why didn't either of you move? And if you did move how long did it take?
This is my thinking as well. The LDR should not be long distance for long, if so there is something more than space keeping you separated.
This is why I think LDR's (short term) could actually work because during the honeymoon phase of any relationship, everything is foreplay. So imagine only being able to talk or chat via phone or net most of the time! Whewww….when the two do meet—fireworks.
In addition, these relationships could have the potential to last considering the most this couple would get to do is actually TALK (instead of chexing all the time) and get to know one another.
This is an interesting thought.
I read an article on theFrisky.com not too long ago that said in a long distance relationship, one thing it must have (maybe not right away but soon) is an end date. No, not an end as in we have to break up but somewhere somehow we've got to come together.
I mean honestly, who operates in a permanent LD situation? LD is just supposed to be temporary and w/o a date/end to work toward people get lost.
To those who have been in a LDR why didn’t either of you move? And if you did move how long did it take?
Why? Because it isn't as simple as just picking up and moving. Job markets aren't beneficial to every field and even if they are you still have to get hired/look for a job.
ah.. a subject i can speak about!
i've had several LDR's (the american dudes STAY lovin me…kanyeshrug).
i'll speak to the one that had the biggest impact/was the longest.
me: toronto. dude: new york.
our communication was great. we saw each other as often as possible (every 1-2 months..thanks jetblue). we made plans to marry, for me to move, i had a job interview on wall st (yes.. actual wall street), we set timelines etc..
but i broke up with him because there were things that i didnt know i could see myself living with forever (divorce isnt in my vocab). could i pick up and move my whole life to another country, with no family/friends and our relationship not work out? the answer was no. still to this day – i get questioned on it. it was a hard decision, but one that worked out for the best (career wise at least..ironic that i've been single for the most part ever since).
LDR's arent for everyone. they aren't for the paranoid and jealous. they aren't for the non-expressive and non-communicators. they aren't for those without imagination. there are many ways to have a relationship, and just because it doesnt fall within the parameters that society/friends/others think it should – doesn't make it any less real.
i have a client who goes back and forth from toronto to cleveland for 7 years! it works for them. who am i to judge.
i had a friend in law ask me if i was worried about the dude cheating. i said no. it never occured to me. someone who is willing to invest that kind of time, money and effort – for what? pu$$y? that he could get down the street? fun? he's got xbox for that. geography doesnt make people cheat – dishonesty does. there are married couples that live together that dont know their spouse is cheating. the irony was that she's been the mistress to a married man, so she was projecting her 'other side of the coin' view on me. but if you go into a situation with doubt/paranoia..it's doomed to fail.
out of the 4 LDR's i had, i only see 1 as a failure. my failure to recognized game and swindle. the other relationships didnt pan out because 1 needed to deal with the death of his mother and was never really going to leave FL to visit me. the other.. ah.. that's a story for another time…
I co-sign with all of this I am currently in a long distance relationship right now and it's defintely not for the jealous and paranoid. It tooks two to make it work and if two people put their head's together to make something work it will work! People need to stop blaming it on distance because their are people living under the same roof and things dont work out. It's on two individuals. Iam so sick of people saying long distance dont work!
It seems that people in open relationships see each other on a fairly regular basis…at least in comparison to the LD kind. And people can't upgrade other people. You are either more or less compatible than someone else (if everyone is being honest and not just reliving their young or fantasy.)
@predestined010
How long have you been together? And what's your plan to get together?
I'm not saying they don't work. I just think that at some point the two people have to come together. Why be with someone you can't have? It's like people who fall in love with people that are in jail for life. There is a problem there. As for the two people living together and not talking and cheating on each other…I figure they settled for way less than what they needed and wanted. And isn't that the initial point of an LDR? You found somebody that you are totally compatible with, why delay being together more that necessary?
We been together a year getting married in July after the wedding he's moving to miami to be with me.
@animate
Yes I can see that being a factor.
LDR never works. I learnt that the hard, bitter way.
The nature of Man (The human race i mean) is just too imperfect to do it.
Either you're in a committed, monogamous relationship or you're just messing around. As long as both parties have the same expectation tbe you're fine. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Humph, long distance round these parts is she lives in Brooklyn, and he lives in the Bronx.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid, have you BEEN on the Cross Bronx Expy?!??! LOL!!!!!
I need you to be within a dollar cab ride (alternate side parking is a biotch, lol) LOL!!!!
@lady jei, when I was dating my wife she was in central Harlem and I was in near Prospect Park …. Hour long subway ride on the Q+2/3! Lot of folks thought I was crazy …
So, I've been sitting on this post for a couple days, trying to figure out exactly how to voice my opinions. I understand the point of Linc's assertion— Long Distance Relationships have a low success rate. However, there are a couple things that I feel have been heretofore un-addressed in the comments. (Shoutout to predestined10 for making an argument in favor of LDR's)
Before I speak: A little background on me: I've been in a LDR for a year; however my bf and I have been together for two. Our first year together was our last year in college, and the past year has been our first years of working full-time, post-college. Thankfully, his company is based in the city where I reside, and since I work for the world's best airline, through business travel and free flight privileges, we see one another every week, most months. The LONGEST we've ever gone without seeing one another was 27 days… So to some people, our r'ship may not count as "real" long-distance. We make plans for the weekend like most "normal" couples…
Anyway, here are my thoughts on the success rate of LDR's:
- There has to be an intense commitment before an LDR commences. I would say about 99.5% of r'ships that INITIATE long-distance don't last. You have to have some kind of basis for going through the difficult ish w/ someone. You have to know their chex is all that and worth waiting for, you have to understand that although they can't be there to hold you EVERY night, it will be so worth it on those nights when you can.
- Each person must know and understand early on that someone WILL have to move, eventually. There must be an endgame and a plan for success; otherwise, the relatioship is doomed to fail. LDR's are def a situation in which s/he who fail to plan, plan to fail.
As far as being "physically open and emotionally closed", I must agree that that is a LOAD of bullshit. I take great pleasure in knowing that ain't nobody in my man's bed if I'm not there. I LIKE having him miss me and wish I were next to him each night. When he feels its time to propose, and then we marry; he will have the ultimate joy of waking up to me each morning. Until then; he needs the gentle reminder that he hasn't made the consummate commitment.
If you can't commit to someone you're considering spending the rest of your life with….
And yes, that statement does bring me to a good point— you should NEVER EVER be in an LDR if there is not a damn good chance that they are "the one" for you. It ain't even worth it, dawg. If all you're looking for is a warm body and "chex"; go to the club on a Saturday night- you don't deserve to be in a relationship anyway. Let's leave the "good" men and women for the mature among us who want a life partner, and someone with whom to build a family.
I'll get off my soapbox now… but in closing, I do want to say that I am NOT, nor have I ever been, a proponent of LDR's. I think it's unnatural and produces undue stress on a r'ship.
BUT; so are the stresses and strains of a 50-year marriage. If you're looking for longevity and strength, ain't no test like the LDR.
We have our days…but we're still in this thang! And we're in it, ALONE—without any bedwarmers or space-fillers. (and yes, I know this to be true…)
Well said sis, well said.
No long distance relationships for me. If she's gonna cheat on me or otherwise do something stupid to end the relationship….at least let me be there so I can throw some laxatives in her coffee afterward. lol
i've been in a long distance relationship for 4 years..and now we're husband and wife..it really depends on the personality of both parties to work on that relationship..
did you get married bc you closed the distance or did you just get married and found a way to make the distance work?
long distance relationships are awesome for the strong at heart. its a positive experience bc it strengthens the bond between ppl. it strengthens communication, the emotional connection you feel for someone; it allows you to feel each other out on a deeper level bc youre navigating in the dark with your senses for another persons heart and soul.
when those senses turn on to the physical aspect of the relationship thats when you close the distance. you do what you have to do to make it work so you can be together. theres no steppin out. theres no backup plan. theres no "i would be with you but theres 45 different excuses i can make so i dont have to be."
quit being lazy and work. do what you have to and quit making excuses for why its okay to keep a huge gap between you two. if you cant stand to lose a person you shouldnt make them feel like they have to hold someone else and if you want to keep a person you shouldnt be able to stand holding anyone else in the first place. WORK.
i want to gain you so ill make you feel like you want to hold me and i want to keep you so ill show you i only want you and we want to be together so heres the plan. WORK.
thats the solution to closing a ldr though i think the overall question was 'how do you cope' in the meantime.
easy. if youre the person doing all the work speak, leave, and give the other person time to make a decision. if youre the person who needs to make a decision get your act right. both of you can busy yourself bridging the gap. becoming a better person. learning something new. preparing something great for you guys to do together. pick up a new craft. think of a new hobby. wtf @ the automatic reaction being "let me cheat or step out". um. no.
the more lonely you feel the happier youll be when the decision is 'i want to be with you'. if the decision is '45 excuses as to why it wont work out' …well. you cant have manslaughter without laughter!
The thing that ends most LDRs is lack of an end date, when you will both finally be together.
Not lack of intimacy.
Not being able to touch the one you love hurts, but going off and touching someone else does NOT help anything.
All it takes is visits as often as possible, enough love to know it's worth it, and some sort of time line until you will be able to end the long distance thing.
Share this article with those people who have had successful LDR and you'll get a f**king brick thrown to your head.
I have been in LDR for more than a year and a half. With determination, compromises and sacrifices, our relationship is getting stronger and we are planning for the next step: marriage. It depends on your personality. Some people can cope with LDR, some can't. LDR is only for tough people, not for the pessimistic and timid ones.
My sister had LDR before getting married and they only got to see each other like 2 or 3 times a year. They've been happily married for 11 years.
This article is a complete bullsh*t.
Im sorry but I completely disagree with this, people are not animals! We can restrain ourselves from sex. Me and my boyfriend have been together a year now in a long distance relatioship and have remained both emotionally AND physically faithful to each other. At times it has been next to impossible and many times I hold myself as I fall asleep wishing he was near. But trust me when we are together it makes all the yearning, wishing and tears completely worth it. Our relatioship is built on trust, I know that if we were in an “open” relationship we would never work… there would be resentment and how could I be with someone who is not able to delay gratification, even for me?? Im sorry this artical is very wrong and obviously whoever wrote it had a bad experience in a long distance relationship