A Man Only Has One Chance at True Love

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Let's have a toast to the douchebags...

Watch this video:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4bvRamMiY4&ob=av2el

In the seventh grade, I thought I had found the woman I would spend the rest of my life with. We held hands at every possible moment.  We went out on dates to the movies, we went out to dinner, we even hung out over each others’ houses.  Our parents dropped us off to do all this, but still in our minds we were madly in love. We had been dating for a year, when I found out that she would not be returning in the 8th grade, she was moving to another country with her family.  I was devastated.  We held each other, trying to emulate what we saw on some television show or movie.  I wonder if my mother didn’t want me watching 90210 or Party of Five so that I would actually understand those emotions instead of acting them out because I saw them on TV.  We broke up, she moved away and I quickly forgot about her when it was time for school to start in the fall, I did what most boys do, I blocked it out of my head and moved on to the new girl in school.  Two or three years later I was at a friend’s house for a party and there she was.  But at this time, I wasn’t happy, I was happy, but I was also upset.  She never even told me that she had returned.  Why was that?  I felt hurt and betrayed.  She said something like, “Well I had heard you moved on, so I figured that you didn’t care.”  We argued, because I still called, wrote letters and even considered coming to visit.  At that age, I thought that was what heartbreak was, to have something, and for it to be taken away from you, or to have something, and for it to lie to you.  Not only lie to you, but lie to your face.

At 15, I didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.  I would soon find myself in my most serious relationship from high school, and I think back to her, but today, my opinion of love is much different than it was on that day.  It’s changed dramatically.  I used to think that I was wired differently than most men.  I was always trying to find love at a young age.  I blame 90210, Party of Five and Friends for that too.  Yeah, judge me on the shows that I liked, Living Single was freaking depressing.  All those chicks were either single or in f*cked up situations except for the two weirdest people on the show.  I wasn’t about to be weird to not be single.  And then one day, I met a girl and I thought I had found perfection.

(Editor note: I’m going to be real for a minute and tell you that I’m currently thinking of ways to write this post so that none of my friends know who I’m talking about because I do not want to hear about this sh*t today.)

She wasn’t perfect to everyone, she was perfect to me.  She had her imperfections, but I thought she was everything that I wanted in a girl.  I swear I chased that girl for two years.  It’s probably more accurate to say, I chased her for about a year and then spent another year trying to get her to clarify this bullsh*t ass phrase, “I think we’re better as friends.” Somewhere in that second year, the fever broke.  I pledged, and well as they say, “College days swiftly pass…”  I had my fun.  But I didn’t have the heart to love anymore.  To borrow a line from one of my favorite movies, “This part of my life is called, “And today, not a single f*ck was given.”

You see when she breaks your heart, you should just rip it out and give it to her.  It’s never going to be the same.  You may love again.  You may convince yourself that you love again.  But men, we just don’t work that way.  After that initial heartbreak, we look for a girlfriend, wifey, a wife, or mother to our children. But you’ll hear very few men say “the love of my life” and actually mean it.  I’m clear, a man will only get one chance to truly be deeply in love with a woman. So yes, that’s my advice, rip out your heart and give it to that girl who breaks your heart because it’s never going to be the same again.  Think about it like sex, sex is great, but it’s nothing like virgin sex.

She’s going to take your self-esteem.  She’ll disturb you emotionally.  Some men won’t admit to crying, but they might admit to being emotionally disturbed.  When you love someone, it doesn’t go away the second that person tells you that they don’t love you.  It stays there and it takes a long time to deal with those feelings. Like it was said in the video, you’ll never get over her, and the proof is, because you’ll always compare everyone after her to her.  So if you’re wondering who that girl is for you, it’s that one that you compare everyone else to.  It’s that one that your friends say, “That was 9 years ago, man!”  It’s her.

We all do some things that we’re not proud of in this time.  We make promises that we won’t keep, we hurt the people who care for us when we don’t care for ourselves.  We lose the ability to care.  We’re emotionally drained, we’re heartless.  That’s why this video means so much to me.  Because I feel that every man goes through it.  The men who will tell you they’ve never had their heartbroken are lying or they’re waiting. Don’t date a guy who’s heart hasn’t been broken in.  Their heart is like a glow stick, it doesn’t shine the right way until it’s broken.  He’ll end up with two alternatives for women, either he finds the one that he thinks fills all his requirements for a wife, or the one that he doesn’t want to let go because he doesn’t see another one like her coming.

Of course that ex will have control over him forever, and that’s okay.  We’re adults we can deal with those people in our lives.  In my personal situation it took me a long time to create a long list of reasons why I never wanted to be with her anymore.  And at this point in my life, while I think she’s a great girl, I realize that she’s not for me, “we’re better as friends.”  I know I’m not alone in this feeling, there’s support for us.  I wrote a poem in college called, The Miseducation of the Freshman, and in it I talked about the anger.  I got a lot of claps and snaps from the crowd, so I know that somebody feels me.  This isn’t regulated to just men, a lot of women have situations like this and they move on to be different.  I said earlier that there’s no way a man hasn’t had his heartbroken, I’ll take that back.  It’s like the addiction gene, if you don’t have it, then you don’t have it.  You’re better for it.  I don’t have it, I fall in love and sometimes I have to deal with the compromise that “we’re better as friends,” but I move on. I grow into a man who learns to live outside of infatuations or the inferred reality of now.  And in my mind, I think I’m stronger… wiser…  I’m better, much better.

Yeah, this moves me too, so for you who want to listen to it right now, here’s that link: httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWrGjzBheno&ob=av2nm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWrGjzBheno&ob=av2nm

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  • JoyfulA

    Damn J — this vid and post has me thinking … reflecting on him whose heart I KNOW I broke, feeling shattered because I wanted for it to be wholesome but knowing that the best thing I could do for him was to let us go.

    The truth of it: We were both doomed to get our hearts broken, I just saw the chasm first and thus earned the title of 'heartbreaker'.

    *off to a troubled sleep*

  • Lina

    i don't think this sole chance is gender specific. imo, people run into issues when they don't accept that maybe they already had their chance for true love and keep looking to recreate something that can't be done.

  • MilleAMillion

    First of all I would like to Thank You for this article. It helped explain my recent lack of emotion that I didn't understand and an outlook on love that is very new to me.

    I think Love becomes very mental after your heart has been broken. I think it's the disappointment of failure (a failed relationship) that speaks to men. I've heard the notion that 'A Man Has Only One Chance At Love', but after going through it myself I believe it and understand it. I think for most women it takes a few broken hearts before we hit that wall. And some of us continue to give our heart away without being phased by a few disappointments along the way…

    And then there are those of us where it only takes one time, one heartbreak, for us to transform NOT into the evil, bitter chick in the club throwing shade at anything cheery, but less of a feeler and more of a thinker. It's not bitterness it's more of an awakening from the obliviousness of emotion driven Love.

    Personally, I've hit that wall and like you said, "I grow into a man who learns to live outside of infatuations or the inferred reality of now. And in my mind, I think I’m stronger… wiser… I’m better, much better."

    • MilleAMillion

      P.S – great opening link…I've seen it before, but I guess I brushed it off. I must have been in love when I saw it the first time.

      • Beef Bacon

        """And then there are those of us where it only takes one time, one heartbreak, for us to transform NOT into the evil, bitter chick in the club throwing shade at anything cheery, but less of a feeler and more of a thinker. It’s not bitterness it’s more of an awakening from the obliviousness of emotion driven Love. """

        Wow, you put into words what I felt when I first left my ex. Although I officially broke it off, I left because he gave me no choice (he would not change a deal breaker). However, love is different for me now and I am better off because now I know what it truly looks like.

    • http://twitter.com/s0_flyy FLYY One

      My girlfriends and I have said this a million times over… it only takes ONE good time for a man to have a heart broken. Just one.

      I think for most women it takes a few broken hearts before we hit that wall. And some of us continue to give our heart away without being phased by a few disappointments along the way…

      - Mille

      Church. Tabernacle. Mosque.

      • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

        I've broken my wrist over 8 times and I still do a great job of doing things with my wrist. Pause. But the same works with your heart, you can break it several times and it still works perfectly fine.

        I also know a lot of dudes, probably most of the writers here, who've had their heart broken several times.

    • KautiousNupe

      I appreciate the thought, eloquent delivery and truth that went into this post MilleAMillion. Just wanted to say that.

  • Starita34

    Beautiful post J.

    It's a sad reality in my life. It was hard for me to accept living in Her shadow…but it seems that we all have ghosts.

  • Thriller

    "This video is not available in your country."

    The U.K. takes a loss here. What was the video?

    • Ms. Dulce De Leche

      Same thing in Honduras. Can someone please tell me whats on it too.

    • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

      About the video:

      A couple sits at a booth in a diner, while the woman (Friday Night Lights star Aasha Davis) breaks up with her boyfriend (Saturday Night Live writer Jorma Taccone). After receiving the plate he requested from the waitress, the man stabs himself in the chest, and pulls out his heart, places it on the plate and gives it to the woman. He explains that his heart "is actually hers now," that he will never be able to get over her, and says "from now on every girl that I meet will be meticulously compared to the false memory of what you and I once 'had.'" The woman offers to return it after keeping it temporarily for a "shitty day" or when she needs to move something heavy, but the man insists that he is now "heartless" and thus will passively/aggressively ruin all his future relationships. The heart then comes to life, growing arms, legs and a mouth, and begins to sing the lyrics to the song on the counters of the diner using a piece of broccoli as a microphone before finally stabbing itself with a knife and pulling the man's head out of its body. The head looks around, staring off into space. The scene cuts back to the man staring out the window as the woman speaks. The woman finally asks, "Are you even listening to me?" The man simply replies "No." Cee-Lo and Danger Mouse also made cameos as chefs in the diner.

      • S.O.U.L

        Sup el Doctor ! I just want to say that video is the official Video of Gnarls Barkley "Who's Gonna save My Soul" from "The Odd Couple" albulm !!

        S.O.U.L

        Great Post !

  • QueenT

    I am feeling this post today…..I had written out this long azz response telling all my little business…but, I deleted it. I will just say, now I understand my situation a little better.

    Great Post J!

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      ditto.

      not on writing the long post, but I did think it in my head. lol

      I like these type of introspective blog posts.

      • RedLady821

        I agree with the introspective blog — I love it when Dr.J writes this way…it also clarified a few things for me.

        Nice write Dr. J!

        • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

          Dr. J continues to thank you all for your continued support.

          Do I really come off that way? I don't think so. I'm emotional, no emo. But I do have feelings and i'm not angry, lol.

        • RedLady821

          No, I think that you are usually so cynical and such a slick talker that when you write from the emotional perspective it has a larger shock value on your reading audience.

          No emo though.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

    Sorry, Dr. J… I feel you and this video, and I don't… Plus, I had to laugh at the first fifteen seconds in the video. The bullsh1t spat… Purely laughable… (shrug) At least she was woman enough to tell the dude to his face. Better than almost all the women in my experience…

    "…I need space…" Then why did you want to get close to me?

    "…I need the time to figure out who I am…" Someone who doesn't know who they are DOESN"T need to be in a relationship–that's the LAST place such a person needs to be.

    "…It's not you, it's totally not you, it's me, and it's the timing of it…" Trying to save face at being a jerk, huh?

    I feel you yet don't feel you on you saying "a man will only get one chance to truly be deeply in love with a woman". Maybe it's just the symbiotic nature of this single black male. Maybe it's the degree of symbiosis experienced by this single black male. Maybe it's just my experience with women. I feel whenever a man and a woman are in a relationship is when that chance for a man to truly be deeply in love with a woman is. Based on my experiences, it's best to say "a man will only get one chance to be truly inter-connected with a woman who is truly inter-connected with him".

    "…She’s going to take your self-esteem. She’ll disturb you emotionally. Some men won’t admit to crying, but they might admit to being emotionally disturbed. When you love someone, it doesn’t go away the second that person tells you that they don’t love you. It stays there and it takes a long time to deal with those feelings…" That's some real "For Colored Men Only" there…in half. As heartbroken as a man may become, time moves on. You can forget the woman who says the stuff in the first fifteen because, by the time she's woman enough to say such things, she's long gone. Like the O'Jays said, "Your Body Is Here with Me (But Your Mind Is on the Other Side of Town)"… And, like in that song, such a situation isn't right, but such a situation is there…in a dude's face. Just kicking facts… Heartbreak may SEEM like the end of life, but it's a PART of life.

    By the time a woman breaks your heart, she has ALREADY ripped it out–and either gave it back to you or FLUNG it back to you. Sorry, Dr. J… THIS may does work that way. If a female isn't woman enough to accept the priceless thing I offer called love, another female who IS woman enough will. And, the love changes yet stays the same from me only because every woman is different and because our connection will consequently be different. (shrug) I tend to seek a woman who is "serious girlfriend" and wifey material from the get-go, so seeking such after a heartbreak is moot in my case. I guess I'm one of those very few men who say “the love of my life” and actually mean it… Speaking as just one symbiotic single black male, love is the heart (no pun intended) of existence; when you truly exist, you truly love. Since you exist continuously, you love continuously. Heartbreak may put some of that love into stasis, but love always win out. Even if the end result of some heartbreak is a man loving himself more which eventually helps him love a woman better. When a woman is dumb enough to hand a man back the platinum of his heart, accept it and her deuces. From my experiences, she'll be back… Crying… Begging… (evil smile) Karma can be the BADDEST of b1tches…

    "…Like it was said in the video, you’ll never get over her, and the proof is, because you’ll always compare everyone after her to her…" That's not my case, Dr. J. I tend to look at each woman individually. And, the closest to comparing I do is going by my data bank of experience. But, only in a way that I'm trying to improve upon the mistake made by each woman involved in each heartbreak. I'll cosign IF you're saying that a man may not truly get over the heartbreak in terms of emotional scars. (smile) In that case, this single black male wears his scars with pride–badges of honor on display for all to see.

    • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

      Symbiotic Loner:

      The second you say, that you "That’s not my case, Dr. J. I tend to look at each woman individually. And, the closest to comparing I do is going by my data bank of experience. But, only in a way that I’m trying to improve upon the mistake made by each woman involved in each heartbreak." it means that you've stop making decisions with your heart and started using your mind. Therefore, again i'll have to ask you, will you ever love again the same way you did the first time? I don't think so.

      • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

        "…will you ever love again the same way you did the first time?" In terms of depth of love, no. I loved some of the laters even deeper…

    • Renezzi

      "By the time a woman breaks your heart, she has ALREADY ripped it out–and either gave it back to you or FLUNG it back to you."

      ^^^THAT, is so true. and I think it goes for guys and girls and is the main flaw in the video. But otherwise, I loved Dr J's article and feel like it works the same way for girls. I have gotten "you think too much" from the guy I'm dating. Really? at this stage of the game my head is what I feel I can trust, smh.

      • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

        What isn't realized in romance is that the brain is utilized and stimulated as the heart… The heart, unchecked by logic, will get a person in a lot of trouble… I grew up around a lot of children considerably older than me, and I've overheard a bit of their conversations although I didn't understand it at the time. All I knew at the time was that jumping heartfirst caused them pain, and I adjusted my "love-makeup" accordingly as I came of age. Using your heart where your head is needed will only end up in headaches and heartache…

  • WAChick

    You know, I've always gotten this a-hole vibe from your posts, Dr. J (no offense). That's why I love posts like this, where you open up and let us (the readers) in, so to speak. I really enjoyed reading this, even though it was kinda depressing.

  • Woman of Inspiration

    First off, this was a great, heartfelt post. Thank you!

    I am not a man so I cannot speak on whether or not you are right or wrong, but I can say that I believe that men deal with their first heartbreak in one of 2 ways. Either they realize that it happens to us all and you still have the opportunity to love again as you grow, mature and experience more in life. OR, he takes on the "once bitten, twice shy" ideology and it's a wrap. I think it is unfortunate that you feel that you cannot love again after 10 years of heartbreak from one situation. "The love of your life" may NOT have been who you thought it was, but if you are unwilling to open your heart up again you may never know.

    I wish you all the best and hope that you find someone who makes you say, "NOW this woman right here IS the LOVE of my life".

    *smooches*

    • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      I was thinking the same thing. Never say never and how do we really know? We don't. The problem isn't that we only get one shot. The problem is we shut down after our first shot. Nothing is more exciting than the first time you fall in love. It seems like the best because it was the first…also when you're young, your emotions are much more heightened.

  • SensationalTee

    *is emotionally drained*
    I had a lengthy response typed out..but deleted it due to my own unpleasant memories.. I totally undertsand where you are coming from, though. That first true love will punch you in the gut everytime..

  • new2natural

    Excellent post, Dr. J!

    I may be one of the few or the only person on here who hasn't ever been in love, BUT I can relate a lot better because of your post! I really enjoyed it.

  • Beef Bacon

    Great post Dr. J!

  • cancergirl08

    I haven't been in love either. I've been in "like" and "lust" more times than I care to experience. I know that life isn't fair and just because you care about a person, it doesn't mean they can/will return those feelings. Still, I do look forward to love, even the pain and vulnerability involved in loving another person. I compare it to (hopefully) the day I give birth….it will hurt like hell but in the end, it will bring forth new life and love and for that……I think its worth it!

    • new2natural

      ^^^THIS

    • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

      Cancergirl08 and others:

      Sometimes you have been in love, it's almost like the female orgasm. People have such expectations of it that they don't even realize when it's already happened. Maybe sometimes when it's too late.

  • http://www.max-logic.com max

    This post seals the deal – I'm officially a man.

    • http://earsandlps.blogspot.com LaLaBakir

      I quit you for a thousand life times

  • http://findingmyselfstill.tumblr.com/ Chan

    Great Post…

    My thoughts are sort of everywhere this a.m… as some know today is "National Renewal and Reconciliation Day" (gee-whiz info) , and one of the items on my list was to reconcile with an "ex" whose heart I KNOW I had broken, and possibly renew our friendship. I am still unsure about this step, because I know my ex HATES me, and that's still putting it nicely. I def. played my role in ripping his heart out myself, and handing it over, and after careful thinking, praying, and some maturity I know deep down how wrong I was on every level… Anywho I say that to say this… your post has given me some insight as to how men can become "heartbroken", although some may never tell, and some conclude that they "don't have the heart to love anymore". I don't EVER want to think I am the cause of him not being able to love again, or possibly treat new women like crap b/c of my simplicity and immaturity in our situation.

    Again… Kind of all over the place this a.m. and this post got me even more in my feelings.

    And on this note I'll end with my favorite lines from your post that really touched home…

    "We make promises that we won’t keep, we hurt the people who care for us when we don’t care for ourselves. We lose the ability to care. We’re emotionally drained, we’re heartless"

    Major #kudos Dr. J

    • Symbiotic Loner

      "…I know deep down how wrong I was on every level…" That's VERY big of you to say… Many women would rather rip out their own heart than own up to the fact that THEY can play well the role of "wrong-doer" and of "heartbreaker"… I hope the best for you…

    • http://twitter.com/InAnimateAlpha Animate

      Whatever you do, don't pressure him into forgiving you. That is something that he has to do on his own. I know you may not like it but too much action on your part is just going to keep things constant or make them worse.

      You are pretty much at his mercy with the situation. If he doesn't want to attempt any reconciliation then you just have to accept it unfortunately.

      I do with the best though because I know it can be tough.

      • http://findingmyselfstill.tumblr.com/ Chan

        "You are pretty much at his mercy with the situation"

        Yup… this is the part I hate. Thank you for the insight though.

        : )

  • B

    Definitely one of your best posts, Dr. J. Major kudos!

  • Beef Bacon

    This reminds me of jIll Scotts' song:

    Can't Explain (42nd Street Happenstance)"

    I'm truly sorry baby for what I did to you

    While you were busy loving me, I was busy too

    I played you dirty boy, did some things I shouldn't do

    While you were only trying to treat me good

    I was playing… damn

    I can't even begin to explain

    I'm truly sorry boy

    Believe me I had my turn

    The next time love came along yeah it was me who burned.

    Sad and desperate I cried wondering why ask God why

    He would do this to me so damn easy

    Well karmas real and now I really do understand

    What you give is what you get, universal plan

    Paid my price and looked at my life

    And finally I'm loving somebody righteously

    And

    What goes around comes around really do

    Really does come back around

    And I'm sorry for what I didn't to you

    You didn't deserve what I gave you but I gave it to you

    I hope your okay

    I hope your loving well

    Well baby just because you lived and lost don't mean stop loving

    If you have a nightmare, do you stop dreaming?

    Don't give up on love because what I did to you

    I hope your okay

    I really do.

    I love music and this song speaks to those heartbroken…

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      you have inspired a Jill Scott mix this morning over here.

    • Symbiotic Loner

      "…What goes around comes around really do

      Really does come back around

      And I’m sorry for what I didn’t to you

      You didn’t deserve what I gave you but I gave it to you

      I hope your okay

      I hope your loving well

      Well baby just because you lived and lost don’t mean stop loving

      If you have a nightmare, do you stop dreaming?

      Don’t give up on love because what I did to you

      [...]

      I love music and this song speaks to those heartbroken…"

      I'm smiling at this… A woman who gives me cold gets bitter cold in return… (smile) A work in progress…

    • http://findingmyselfstill.tumblr.com/ Chan

      I can't even count how many times I have listened to this song this a.m.

      Damn… "I can't even beging to explain"…

      how much this song hits home.

  • http://twitter.com/lhautevie Little Miss Sunshine

    !!!!!

    My ex and I had a conversation eerily close to this post after the first-time we ended things and I thought it was rhetoric at the time until my guy friend confirmed. Sigh.

    Good post.

  • Ms. Dulce De Leche

    I really enjoyed this post. I have been heart broken and I have broken hearts but they all have contributed to the person I am today. I think that is so easy for girls to ignore that men also suffer and their hearts can also be broken. Is so refreshing to see the other side of the coin and understand that we are all humans and are not immune to the pain that comes along with love.

    I totally agree with you, when you talk about the importance of talking to people whose hearts have been broken. The way I see it, you cant take care of someone's heart if you do not know what it is like to have your own destroyed. It just changes your perception of shyt and makes you more sensitive to situations (in the ideal world ofcourse).

    In any case I think is beautiful that we can learn to love and care about another person even if we will get hurt at some point or another. No pain, no gain…. right?

    To quote one of my fav tunes.."Is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

  • Mel

    It's the same exact thing for women.

    • http://thewhittiest.wordpress.com TheWhittiest

      Honestly, I feel exactly the same way. You love differently each and every time, but there's nothing like the infatuation you have when you give you heart for the first time.

      It's not to say that my love won't be stronger than it was than when I first fell in love, but the infatuation won't be as strong…ya know?

      • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

        Mel and The Whittiest:

        Someone put it like this best, if you get punched in the face, you will fight again, but you will do everything in your power not to get punched in the face. That's basically how love works.

      • tgtaggie

        I would say the thrill is gone. lol.

  • tea

    Great post!

    It wasn't hard for me to think back and know who's heart I "took" and I'm still sorry for it. Just young, dumb, and like you said, trying to do what I saw on t.v. At one point I loved him as much as he loved me but when things change…how do you end it without heartbreak?

    Anyway, thanks for making me reflect!

  • JusMe

    Ouch! This was a great post… but I just got slightly uncomfortable over here at work. Like a few have said, I know I am the heartbreaker. Not by me cheating or anything of that sort. Just that I realized we didn't want the same things. It got to a point where we couldn't talk without arguing. I grew unhappy so I ended it after trying numerous times to work things out. Now the real issue for me is that I am constantly reminded of how it affected him 'cause he's the father of my child and I have 14 years left, at the least, to be reminded. It's been 2 years since he and I and I've only dealt with one other guy (aside from the one I'm with now). But he has bounced from female to female. Once they get attached, he dips. When we do talk, it turns into him telling me how he can't move past me and he'll never love again. That he swore if we didn't make it, he's done with it. And that it kills him to see that I have moved on and am happy with someone else. These depressing heart spills are what make me cut conversations short after it strays from being about our daughter. And now, I was just taken back to all those calls that turned into this post. I understand and I'm sorry we didn't work but am I supposed to forever feel this guilt of being that girl?

    • Christina

      At JusMe:

      Your scenario has me shaking my head. Your unhappiness and realization that you two weren’t on the same page shouldn’t make you carry the burden of being the heartbreaker. You’re not supposed to forever feel the guilt of being that girl. People shouldn’t feel obligated to stay in an unhealthy relationship to avoid the title of “HEARTBREAKER.” You did not cheat on him, so his unhappiness should not linger or interrupt your happiness.

  • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

    Wow, great post. This really hit home for me. I hurt a man who gave me his heart because I was young and inexperienced. I didn't realize until later that I loved him but I could tell he was "damaged" and started being mean to me like he wanted me to feel his hurt. It ruined alot between us for a long time. I really feel bad about the men I hurt when I was young. It's due to immaturity. Like you said, most of your heartbreaks occured when you were in young in school.

    I firmly believe that we meet "the one" at a young age or the wrong time. Then when we reach the age that we're ready to settle down, we marry the one we're with who may not be the one…then we get a divorce.

    • http://findingmyselfstill.tumblr.com/ Chan

      I am experiencing this RIGHT NOW. When I say my ex is making me pay back the hurt I caused him, I swear I am getting it back tenfold, BUT I am only to blame. As I really pondered over it and finally did some maturing since the break-up, I realized it was my lack of maturity then that had caused this drama. Daily this is one situation I wish I could go back and do many thing differently. Ultimatley I hate seeing the person he has became (negative) due to this "heartbreak". As I always sum these things up #lessonslearned

      • http://www.sheliagoss.com Shelia G

        @Chan, but how long do you pay for the mistakes of your past? If he can't let go and actually live in the moment and be with you, the person you are today, then there's no chance that you two will ever have a healthy productive relationship.

        • http://findingmyselfstill.tumblr.com/ Chan

          Daaannng Shelia… lol.. I was "attempting" to go back to studying,and got this comment email… but you are right…

          I honeslty have not thought about this aspect. I think I am so concerned with trying to mend what I broke, that I am failing to realize that this could possibly be an on-going battle between him and I. I am trying to erase the hurt I've caused, while he is still holding on and using it against me. How long do I, or better yet, am I willing to pay for this mistake? I think thats a matter me and my heart will have to discuss… after studying of course : )

          Thank you though for that persepective.

      • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        @Chan

        Me too! I'm with that guy right now. We split but were unable to really move on. He even told me one night that he we could never trust ourselves around each other and would cheat on our spouses if we married other people. We're trying to rebuild but it's hard as he constantly questions me. I even told him that he is the love of my life and he says "yes…but why did you…." like he can't let things go. I empathize with you. It's really tough. I never cheated on him but it really doesn't matter in the end, hurt is hurt and pain runs deep sometimes. Shelia is right though. It's not so much the time that has passed but whether or not he's dealt with his hurt. Maybe couple's counseling? If he doesn't deal with his issues, you two won't be happy together.

  • http://www.streetztalk.net Streetz

    The men who will tell you they’ve never had their heartbroken are lying or they’re waiting.

    ^^^

    Realest Quote!! Good ish my dude!

  • http://twitter.com/alacrityamir ALACRITY

    What is good for some will most inevitably be bad for others.

  • TheCo!!inB

    I was trying to explain this point to my wife earlier this year….more specifically how tempermental teenage boys are and how volatile their emotions can be once they've been tampered with. I wouldn't wish the broken heart of a male on any adjusted female, a crazy broad is another story, but an adjusted female has NO clue what she's in for.

  • Name

    Hey you should probably see the movie 500 Days of Summer…I feel it captures the essence of this post perfectly and carries a very similar message.

    Yeah, but I think love is kind of like going to Las Vegas. You have to go into it with the mindset that there's a strong possibility you're gonna lose, but you still have to hope and dream that you'll win big. You have to makeup in your mind that you're in for the adventure of it all, and enjoy it while it lasts, or else you can become extremely disheartened in the end. The game of love is not for those who seek high levels of certainty.

    • Dr. J

      Great movie!

    • tgtaggie

      When I went to Vegas a couple of years ago. The only things I remember was the somewhat hot women and the 85 yr old white woman playing the slots at 2am. lol.

      I watched 500 days of Summer and I felt really bad for the Inception dude. Summer straight up played with his emotions. And had the audacity to invite him to her engagement party. Talk about kicking a man when he's down.

      • Name

        One of Tom's Cards:

        "Roses are red, violets are blue…f*ck you whore."

        lol.

        yeah, but i can't believe she did that to him, but at least he was able to make friends with the woman he met at his job interview.

  • http://twitter.com/InAnimateAlpha Animate

    Good post Dr. J!

    People want to think that men don't experience heartbreak and that is utter bs. I'd say that I've really experienced it three times in my life. Once in grade school, once in college and once after college.

    Looking back, the one in grade school was just a first love kind of thing. In college, I brought it on myself with pointless lies. This one really hit me hard because she wouldn't even speak to me for over a year after the fact. Seeing her almost daily while going to class on top of her moving into the same campus apartment building and later finding out that she was banging my new room mate (we weren't friends. They just assigned folks apartments based on availability). Yeah I was sick! Mentally and emotionally. I finally hit the big F* her point and then she decides she can speak to me…go figure. I know I hurt her so maybe its karma if you believe in it.

    Then we have my post college relationship. This was one of my best friends that we had already crossed the line before and it didn't ruin anything. We were together 2.5 years and she felt like I wasn't communicating my goals in the relationship enough essentially (her POV, NOT mine). Worst break up ever for me emotionally. I'm talking that don't want to get out of bed and have no appetite heart break. We tried to work on it a small bit but it didn't work so we just really broke off. I stumbled across a nice little relationship about 5 months after the break up and struggled with my feelings towards my ex. One day I'd like her the next I'd hate her. Mind you, I had an 18 month relationship and all of this was going on and the girl was aware of it at times; especially that time I sent a text message to her that was meant for someone else discussing the ex. I would talk to the ex on occasion and she would complain about the guys that she would have been dating and I would have to shut that down quick because I wasn't the one to be having that convo with at all. I was pretty much the standard she was judging them by and they were falling short. Somehow we ended up connecting again and discussing things for real and decided to get back together.

    Now…I'm engaged to the ex so she got her act together. lol

  • 5th D Y3llow Que

    Long time reader, 1st time commenting…

    This post is confirmation that I' am not the only male that thinks this way, MUCH RESPECT DR.J.

    It really only takes 1x for a female to taint a mans trust and we resort to a totally new game plan (i.e. Savage mode for most of us)

    "That 1st love is the sweetest but that 1st cut is the deepest" – Drake

    • SaneN85

      I'm gonna assume, Mr. long-time reader, that you posted that this is your first comment so I can break out the e-confetti!

      Welcome! *shoots e-confetti out of cannon and starts up the e-champagne fountain*

  • il Duce the Grand Na

    Interesting post. I agree that you will never love like you did when you were 10 or 12. At that age you have an innocence that allows you to believe that a girl is "perfect." There girl I loved at 12 I would have married if we could. Eventually we went from boyfriend/girlfriend to best friends and it was cool. No heartbreak. In high school it was pretty much me chasin girls who really only were interested in the guy that would punk them to the point of being emotionally scarred. Like Dr. J by time I went to college I was on some real "Ufck a b@tch" and probably missed a great opportunity to find a wife. My HBCU was full of wifey material.

    But I don't really lament any of them lost loves. Especially the ones before I turned 25 or so and really understood women. Part of being a man is realizing how naive you were as a youth and thanking God for the wisdom of age.

    I honestly think I could have married my middle school girl, my prom date, a few of the the girls I smashed and dissed in college. But were any of those girls as perfect as I thought they were? Probably not. Did I know enough about myself to choose a wife at that age? Probably not? If I had married them, did I have the skills to make the relationship work? Nope.

    Heartbreak is part of life. No regrets. Thank God for the good times you had and focus on the future. Salaam.

    • PoliBohoGlam

      I co-sgin ALL of this.

    • tgtaggie

      Co-sign +2. "Like Dr. J by time I went to college I was on some real “Ufck a b@tch” and probably missed a great opportunity to find a wife. My HBCU was full of wifey material."

      True story. Back in the day I was shot down by the first girl I have ever asked out and went on a "Ufck a b@tch" campaign until about 2-2.5 yrs ago. I learned that I couldn't ever be in a relationship with the right person if I never took a chance.

      I also met some amazing women at my HBCU (I think we had a 13:1 ratio. And HBCUs still has the most hot black women per captial. lol). And one of my biggest regrets is that I should have taken the time to pursue one of them (especially that one bad Delta that looked like a Gelia Bekele doppelganger). 'Cause were I am at now….the pickings are very very slim. lol.

      I remember having this conversation about this very thing a couple of years ago with a older woman in undergrad (she was a secretary in one of the depts. and always giving away good advice) .And she told me something that has stayed with me since that day: "If God blessed you with the right girl today, you wouldn't even know what to do with her". At the time I didn't pay her any attention. But the more I thought about it. The more it made sense. Today I am very grateful that I didn't pursue any women during that time b/c I would have made a horrible b/f. And if I did dated the right one back then, I would have found a way to mess it up. I didn't have the maturity and wisdom I have now.

      Now if she were to walk into my life today…..I would know exactly what to do.

      • il Duce the Grand Na

        I agree. In college I wouldn't not have treated a good women the right way.

        But you right. The funniest thing is that when I was in college we use to always make fun of dudes with girlfriends. Like "Why you got a girl when its a campus full of dimes." And we used to make fun of our parents and grandparents that went off to college to find a husband or a wife.

        Maaaaan I look back now. I would say out of every 8 out of every 10 girls on campus was wifey material. Smart, good lookin or good lookin enough, from good famlies and bright futures.

        H@ll if I had a son goin off to an HBCU I would actually encourage him to find a wife there.

  • Jay

    Great Post Dr. J!!!

    I thought about this very topic years and years ago; But my conclusion is a little different.

    There are as many one true loves as you are fortunate enough to find…but you have to travel outside of the country to meet them!

    American Women (and men) have idiosyncrasies other nationalities don't have.

    Americans are far more 'consumer oriented'.,,, Some of us are what we own… Some of us are where we went to school… Some of us are only about our social circles.

    European women I've met are far more racially open… (Heck brothers fought to free The French, could date French Women while getting lynched for doing the same here at home!!)

    I have a buddy who was based at Ramstein Air Force base in Germany. Went out on the town. Bumped into a Swedish Babe at a club. They hit it off. They got married. Her dad turned out to be mega rich…only cared about the fact 'his baby girl was happy'… My boy and his wife are still married to this day…17 years later…4 lovely children…He's from the straight up ghetto. Detroit. And one of the nicest guys on the planet (which is why she married him after only 4 weeks of dating). I AM SO HAPPY FOR HIM….SISTERS I KNOW WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM THE BLUES AND DRAINED HIS WALLET FOR THOSE FOUR WEEKS JUST TO TEST HIM….FOR SURE!!!

    Tina Turner is a prime example on the flip side…Ike beats her..She moves to France….Finds a nice white man… VOILA. (Think Anna Mae Bullock, would have met this nice white man in Nutbush, Tennessee?)

    …So I can not agree there is only one true love….just the one true love you've had the pleasure of meeting 'thus far'.

    By traveling, we brothers can see a fuller version of "The Female Diaspora".

    The women in America (regardless of race), are not the standard for me. I've seen tons of women, who are really nice..But they are in Canada, or Barbados, or Jamaica, or France, or Bahrain.

    Maybe our theme song should be : I Need Love by LL Cool J.

    .For me it's a matter of where do I want to live as A MAN.. culturally, educationally, nationally, financially *as in cost of living' and what my family priorities are.

    The choice is MINE…and MINE alone! Women outnumber men in the world. One woman is not getting my heart…There are absolutely too many good women out here. THEY ARE JUST NOT AMERICANS :-)

    A real woman will not make you or break you…She will not maim you or tame you…She'll do what she can to enhance you!!

    If your woman ain't doing this (and vice verse)… It ain't love to begin with!!!

    • tgtaggie

      Dude had a Elin Woods come up. lol. I ain't mad at him

    • Eddie Brock

      Which is exactly why as soon as my car note is gone that'll become my GTFOAAT* fund…..

      *Get The F*ck Out of America and Travel

    • JoyfulA

      I'll agree that your love may not necessarily be found within the geographic boundaries of the USA … but uhh — that's about where my co-sign stops.

      I travel, and the one thing that I've learned is that people are people, with the same issues/fears/concerns/desires/dreams no matter WHERE they are.

      My Indian (Hindu) homegirls get pressured about marriage and children by family, same as I when it comes round holiday time. My japanese homeboys worry about taking care of house and home in this world where gender roles are often flipped back/forth.

      For every culture and mindset there are plusses and minuses — things that will work for you individually and things that can piss you off to the utmost. Don't get caught up in the location, you should be getting caught up in that PERSON.

      Good women are worldwide (which DOES include the US).

  • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

    Got damn man. Great post. Very introspective. Really, all I have to say about that.

    Everyone (who reads my ish) already knows my emotionally stunted ass has been heartbroken at least 1.5 times. The rest of you can search "Pretty Wings" on my website for the full story.

    Again, good post J.

    • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

      Let me clarify my own reply. I've had my heartbroken before bad, like I thought we were getting married but she went off and got pregnant by someone else and now THEY'RE married but I disagree that a man has only "once chance" at true love because that implies there is only one person for everyone (soul mates, etc). Personally, I don't believe that but I respect if people do.

      Anyway, for the longest time I thought I'd never love again and it is quite possible I will never love the same way. I'll admit that. As I've gotten older though, as some comments have said, I try not to hold the sins of the past women against the women I meet presently and will meet in the future. Still, we are human. It's hard to forget the past and the past is usually an indicator of the future. While I will never forget, at some point you have to move forward with your life or that person will forever hold you back from what you need to do.

      Personally, I dont compare women to her like I use to. "Her" being represented by a few women because I've been in love more than once BUT it does happen. Both men and women are guilty of this. Love, in concept, is an act in submission meaning that in order to fully embrace it and be embraced by it you have to relinquish a certain level of control to the "other person." I think this is hard for most men in general but especially when it comes to love. As I've gotten older this has gotten easier even if it happens less frequently.

      J you spoke to another commenter somewhere above about this but like him I approach love pretty objectively and logically, at least at first. Meaning before I ever fall in love with a woman I have to fall for her in an objective mannerand get over my initial lust stage and decide I like her for more than her awesome beat riding abilities and the way she spits and freestyles on the mic. However, we all have dif experiences and opinions that shape our views.

      That's my 2 cents and some change.

      • http://johnskywalker.wordpress.com/ JohnTHESkywalker

        "but I disagree that a man has only “once chance” at true love because that implies there is only one person for everyone (soul mates, etc). Personally, I don’t believe that but I respect if people do."

        I feel the same exact way. I've been married for 3 years, and together with my ex-wife (will be divorced for 2 years next month) a total of 8 years. Although, my virgin heart got busted in an analogous-cherry fashion, I gathered the pieces, molded them together, applied enough heat and pressure and got back in the gym to start working it out. Today, I can say that I'm over her, yet I still struggle at times with the scars.

        I don't believe in soul mates either. That seems very far-fetched and it slaps "free will" in the face….with a spiked metal glove. I can't fathom the thought that there is only ONE type of soul for me to mate with, while understanding that no soul is greater than the other. That we are all the same spiritually – it's about awareness. How fair would that be? To have ONLY one out of billions, when you have a choice to choose what type of person you desire based on your preferences. Furthermore, what about variety? What if I wanna marry 4 different types of women for 4 different types of experiences? Every experience will not be the same – and that's a gem of life – variety with different people. It's truly zesty.

        Nowadays, John is motivated to love much HARDER than the first time. I've romanticized life greatly and this actually works. Of course Ill use some caution, but when I recognize the consistency in my relations as being authentic….I'm unleashing a full Kamehameha wave of love…hopefully more than before. And if it doesn't work out…(shrugs) time to try again….and again…..and again because no one's love keeps me alive but the love God gave me. Who's to say that one's love is greater than the other when it's all the same love? Only One God…only One Love.

        I realize that romance is not about about giving yourself, but sharing yourself. In this life we understand that the most reliable constant…. is change, and nothing last forever (materialistically). So, in sharing yourself, rather than giving yourself, there is security in knowing that you will still retain yourself in the event of a break up. Most people give their hearts away…..never again will I give my heart, but my love. In the absence of the heart, there is no love….where's the life force in which you pleased her with? (In her hands) And if she has your heart….what more can you give her if she has your essence?

        • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

          "…I realize that romance is not about about giving yourself, but sharing yourself…" How very…symbiotic of you to say….

      • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

        Are you referring to what was said about what I said?

        • http://johnskywalker.wordpress.com/ JohnTHESkywalker

          " How very…symbiotic of you to say…."

          Well, we are both symbiotic in many ways; I'd like to think so based on the consistency of your viewpoints and ideals aligning with mine. You have a bit more bluntness in your delivery, though.

          "Are you referring to what was said about what I said?"

          I'm not sure, but after reading your comment, I sort of see the symbiosis there. I agree with a great deal with what you said up there…but what really got me was:

          "I guess I’m one of those very few men who say “the love of my life” and actually mean it… Speaking as just one symbiotic single black male, love is the heart (no pun intended) of existence; when you truly exist, you truly love. Since you exist continuously, you love continuously. Heartbreak may put some of that love into stasis, but love always win out. Even if the end result of some heartbreak is a man loving himself more which eventually helps him love a woman better. "

          There's a strong sense of spirituality in this text of yours. This is strongly tied into my point about "sharing" love. Based on my experience, I gave my heart away, under the impression that it's what real lovers do: place trust, care, and virtually the self into the significant other as if to mold into one. In doing that however, you lose yourself. Insecurity builds because individuality is forfeited for the sake of ensuring that your lover is put first always. It's a sacrificial move that violate the self-love principle. You can't love anyone without first loving yourself.

          So……indirectly and unintentionally (after looking for your post) I guess it's in reference.

  • il Duce the Grand Na

    One thing I've notice is that dudes and females that grew up in two parent households tend to desire relationships more and take the losses harder.

    When you grow up with a single parent one of the first things you learn as that the world doesn't end just because you lose your partner. Life goes on.

    • PoliBohoGlam

      I've also noticed that those who grew up with two parents, and then the parents divorced can be VERY cynical about love and relationships in general.

      Not always, but often enough for the generalization.

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

    great post. i agree 100%. i've had my heart broken once in my life. i'm over her but the residual effects of what we went through and how i felt still remain today. i found out last week that she was engaged and while i wasn't jealous i did feel like she didn't deserve to happy while i'm still dealing with contempt.

    "She’s going to take your self-esteem. She’ll disturb you emotionally. Some men won’t admit to crying, but they might admit to being emotionally disturbed."

    -to the core i'm emotionally guarded even though if you just scratch the surface i might seem like i'm not. and you're right a lot of men won't admit to crying but i personally have no problem saying that i shed a lot of tears and lost a lot of sleep.

    in the end i think that experience made me better. allow me to break this down in a scientific manner. the heart is a muscle just like a bicep or a hamstring. when injured it has to heal and just like any other muscle the end result is scar tissue. untreated scar tissue is the major cause of re-injury, usually months after you thought that injury had fully healed. scar tissue is made from a very tough, inflexible fibrous material. this fibrous material binds itself to the damaged soft tissue fibers in an effort to draw the damaged fibers back together. what results is a bulky mass of fibrous scar tissue completely surrounding the injury site. when scar tissue forms around an injury site, it is never as strong as the tissue it replaces but it is strong nonetheless.

    • Amy

      Loved the analogy!

    • http://johnskywalker.wordpress.com/ JohnTHESkywalker

      Great analogy…..I support this comment

  • Amy

    Great post Dr J. I too like when the male bloggers talk about their emotional expreriences.

  • BrittNix

    what movie was the “And today, not a single f*ck was given” quote from?

    Great post btw.

  • Ashley W.

    I am just totally in love with this post! It's just simply AMAZING! I love that you were honest enough to go there, into that place of vulnerability and articulated how everyone of us has felt at one point in time. Shoot, I even regressed to the actual moment it happened reading this post. I thoroughly enjoyed it and shall share it! Thank you, Dr. J! Oh, is there a way we can read The Miseducation of the Freshman?

  • http://www.twitter.com/Taarenaissance Adonis

    The Post Is Classic…

    Nothin' To Really Add…

    But it is funny when the girl comes the second time around and now she wants to reconcile…

    It is up to you how you wanna handle her…

    • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

      Adonis:

      You're right, that's when you get to say, "What's up now partnah!?!?!"

      In my case, it was a dry sly comment that said, "Maybe if I had been focusing on what was right in front of me, I could have avoided a lot of stupid sh*t."

      My dry sly response, "I could have told you that six years ago."

  • Peyso

    Did you need to say anything but "Their heart is like a glow stick, it doesn’t shine the right way until it’s broken. "

    #pow

    That's the whole post

  • http://savannahgoldlust.blogspot.com/ MizzLoveLippz

    *sings "In my mind, I'll always be his lady….."

    And #thatisall

    Great post J.

    • il Duce the Grand Na

      Das kinda sad.

      What that dude say in dat Facebook movie…."If you invented Facebook….you would have invented Facebook."

      If he/she was yours….he/she would be yours.

      Why spend time thinkin about what aint gonna happen.

      "The past is gone, the presents a gift…."

      -Nas

      "The past no longer exist…only the present is real."

      -the Dhali Lama

  • Lohi

    This is true..Very true…#sigh

  • Christina

    Relationships are 50/50, so why do people give 100% of their heart away when they’re in love? I’ve never had my heart broken, but I’ve been hurt. Honestly, I can’t ever see my heart being broken because that means I would have to stop loving a part of myself…something I just can’t do. I would think that one’s heart being stepped on due to infidelity is completely different than one’s heart being stepped on due to circumstances out of their control. The title of heartbreaker needs to be given to those who intentionally cause harm within the relationship. People who end a relationship due to their environment changing don’t deserve the title of heartbreaker. I understand that men absorb emotional pain faster than women, but you have a choice in how long you want that pain to last. Past situations should help navigate the future, not control it.

    • http://johnskywalker.wordpress.com/ JohnTHESkywalker

      "Relationships are 50/50, so why do people give 100% of their heart away when they’re in love?"

      If love was a gamble, then logically,….in order to prove oneself, the mentality is

      …..I'm going all in….nothing holding me back.

      For the true virgins of romance, you hear the cliche sayings (and Valentines Day doesn't help in these occassions):

      "I'd die for you…."

      "I'd do ANYTHING for you…."

      "You are my everything…."

      "I'm nothing without you…."

      "Without you in my life…."

      There's so much dependancy in these martyr-like excerpts. But of course they (we) don't know because we're naive and inexperience, hence the other cliche truth…love is blind…comes up to the plate to hit a few homeruns.

  • http://buppietheblog.com DCBuppie

    So honest. a Delightful and intune read.

  • WinterNights

    The beautiful thing about the heart is that it has the capacity to be broken and made whole again…if you let it, I have loved and been so heartbroken in the most ridiculous ways but I decided that we were not meant to be together and yes we spent a great deal of time together and loved each other, it was not meant to be. I enjoy being in love and being loved back so that motivated me to learn my lesson, take some time for reflection and look at my love scars as a "this is what we will do in the future to avoid being hurt again".

    I have healed and the only comparisons I let myself make are comparisons that have to do with red flags. No one has that much hold over my heart…heck it is my heart, I gave it to you, you gave it back and I took it, healed it and moved the heck on.

  • NaijaSweetz

    It's already been said, but I'm partial to these types of posts from you. I appreciate the sincere and heartfelt honesty behind them.

    Like Queen, I wrote a long ass response and then decided against it, for various reasons. Suffice it to say that parts of this post are applicable to men and women alike, but men do appear to get jaded more easily, and remain so for longer.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

      "…men do appear to get jaded more easily, and remain so for longer…" When compared to women, society gives men no support when heartbroken. At the most, a heartbroken man is left alone at a bar to himself and a drink of strong liquor. And, he is BOMBARDED with sayings like "suck it up" and "take it like a man"… It's been said that constant sucking up allows for NO exhales…

      • http://johnskywalker.wordpress.com/ JohnTHESkywalker

        "And, he is BOMBARDED with sayings like “suck it up” and “take it like a man”… It’s been said that constant sucking up allows for NO exhales…"

        Yo….this is tight! Very innovative and honest quote here.

        Talk about a Love-Aff-Air….

        • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

          That's one thing people close to me have been known to say–I WILL say what I think and what I feel… When I was younger, I was a bit more tactful in my delivery. Now that I'm a bit older and that I'm a bit SICK of being perceived as a "simp" by women, I've been showing my edge increasingly… The rise of Cold Viper…

      • NaijaSweetz

        Oh, I know. I'm no stranger to the factors that come into play in the socializing of men and how they affect their relationships. But sometimes, it doesn't even take a heartbreak for certain men to do those things referred to by Dr J as things they "aren't proud of". Disappointment and mild disillusionment are sometimes enough of a recipe for a subsequent trail of broken hearts to be left in their wake. But often, and despite having suffered more, these hearts will heal and be put to good use a couple of times over before the assailant finally gets to a place where he's ready to allow himself to be vulnerable once again.

        • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

          With love comes vulnerability, that's just fact. The question is what does a woman do with a man who CHOSES to be vulnerable to her? Is she woman enough to withstand that INTENSITY? Or will she do what many women claim men only do–goof…up??? I'm open to vulnerability (as long as it's mutual), but I'm not up to disrespect of the most priceless gift given to a woman–love. THAT'S when that bitter cold mentioned earlier kicks in. Like I had said, life goes on despite a man being heartbroken. Eventually, he learns that he's along for the ride as the world keeps on spinning.

        • NaijaSweetz

          Although arguably harder to come by, I don't believe that a woman's love is any less valuable than a man's. In keeping with the scenario I mentioned, said man would have all but trampled on several hearts before finally trying his hand at vulnerability again, but now I'm supposed to feel his pain if he chooses the wrong woman (yet again) to display it to. I'm not talking about cold bastards, here, just guys who don't make wise decisions in dealing with previous disappointment.

          I do understand that some women aren't ready for a man to show genuine love. Even less men are ready to accept a woman's love and to repay it in kind. My point is really that a lot of men need to realize that things are very hard for women as well, even though we seem better equipped for certain trials, and to take that into consideration in their romantic dealings.

        • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

          Never said that a woman's love was lesser or greater. Just saying that love is the most precious thing a man can offer a woman. Personally, I've NEVER had a problem being vulnerable to a woman, but disrespect of such vulnerability as perceived weakness IS a problem to me. I have, in addition, had to feel a woman's pain many times over when SHE chooses the wrong man before I came along. Part of being a symbiotic male is accepting a woman's love and DEFINITELY reciprocating. My attempts to facilitate a woman's "ease of love" have been misconstrued as spinelessness, and, again, that is taken offensively when that occurs. I've learned some time ago that consideration in a relationship is a two-way street.

        • NaijaSweetz

          My point is a woman’s love is equally the most precious thing that she can offer a man, and that quite a few men treat that gift with reckless abandon simply because they’re “reeling” from a past heartbreak or perhaps something not even as devastating. It’s my version of the “suck it up” mantra. I honestly believe everyone has the right to grieve lost love, and men should be allowed to cry and be sad without their manhood being challenged. However, some men simply don’t do enough to pick themselves back up. They simply give up and shrug off all emotion. That’s not exactly the healthiest option, mentally or psychologically. They end up hurting themselves and others in the process. You say you have had to feel a woman’s pain many times over – that’s exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.

          I can understand your frustration. However, do note that different people have different thresholds for vulnerability. As much as I want a man who is honest about his emotions, I wouldn’t be able to deal with a man more vulnerable than I. It’s kind of like that “good guys finish last” lamentation. A lot of good guys don’t realize that women don’t owe it to like them simply because they are good guys. Sometimes, the chemistry is not there. Some good guys are good, but a little needy. That’s not to say you are; the idea is merely that the same thing doesn’t work for everyone. Not every upstanding guy will be the one meant for his object of affection. But you are absolutely right: consideration is a two-way street. No man or woman should ever convince him/herself otherwise.

        • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

          "…It’s kind of like that “good guys finish last” lamentation. A lot of good guys don’t realize that women don’t owe it to like them simply because they are good guys…" Then a lot of women need to quit running around yelling that "there are no good men" nonsense, don't they???

        • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

          "…I honestly believe everyone has the right to grieve lost love, and men should be allowed to cry and be sad without their manhood being challenged…" I had stated earlier that society as a whole sees it as taboo for men to cry and be sad when heartbroken and will challenge a heartbroken man's manhood. A lot of women seem to reinforce this taboo and society's "solution". Hence the problem with changing heartbroken "good guys" into heartless jerks. A lot of men, for the sake of "fitting in" rather than being alone, will "suck it up" to not appear "weak" to women to the point of emotionally suffocating. Other men, coming to the conclusion that no one truly cares how they feel as men, will shut down emotionally. Again, transformation from "good guy" into heartless male "human" complete.

          I personally choose not to be a victim of society when it comes to being heartbroken and emotionally reactive. I personally feel the fight of temptation to change into "a heartless human" is worthwhile. I also feel that it's honorable to refuse to take my pain and frustration out on the next woman to come along although I've been "the whipping boy" for many heartbroken and bitter women instead of each of the men who "messed" each of such women in my past. It's only right to continue to stand up for myself when a female isn't woman enough to respect my vulnerability to her as a result of my symbiotic style of love. It's only right to continue to use my "whipping boy" experiences to NOT make heartfirst leaps into a connection with a female who cannot understand what it is to be symbiotic especially when it comes to the core of symbiosis–reciprocity and sharing. It is only right to continue to be a freedom fighter when it comes to mutual effort of "lovability".

        • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

          @NaijaSweetz I agree, you can't force yourself to like a person… but the same women who turn down good men are the same women complaining…

          Excuse me if I lack sympathy…

          I think also when those women complaining there is no good men haven't really defined what a good man is in their minds

  • http://focusedtiff.blogspot.com Focused Tiff

    Wow! I really feel this post especially the last part where its not limited to just men. I had a talk with my first love in December last year. My father was very ill and it made me think about life and how its not easy to find a true love. He was probably my only true love, it was long ago, but it was deep. But I had to let him know because I had so much going on in my mind, and even though I have been talking to someone else and spending time with him, I had to acknowledge my only "in love" relationship.

    But hanging out with him, I can see how we are soooo different now and that we could never be again. We still have some of the same interests, but he's way different from what I would want in a husband and he has a little lady that's digging him so I'm not going to get in the way of that even if I felt we could get back together. I sent him a text message a few days before I last saw him to have this conversation. It was part of the lyrics from Tweet's Always Will.

    It read:

    "We could be on separate planets

    The Earth or the Moon

    Heart to heart, we're still in tune

    And you know, you know hearts don't lie"

    And he told me that this particular message was the only thing he kept thinking about. We talked about our phuck-ups together and how it hurt him when he was on a 3-way call with me and my play brother, but I had no idea. We were broken up at the time, but my play brother wanted me to come pick him up to go to the studio, and I asked him if another guy that we mutually knew were going to be there…and he told me that my ex was coming…and I was like "Noooo don't bring him"….lol

    That's a cold thing to know that that's why I rarely talked to him again. I had no clue. I even forgot about the whole ordeal until he reminded me, but I guess that's when I ripped his heart out. :(

    But life goes on. I believe that I can love again, but it will never be the same as that 1st time.

  • http://lovealwayssunny.com Sunny Dee

    You have done an amazing job on this post. You definitely offer some insight into finding love and the broken heart. I remember when The Breakup Book first came up and I engorged each page hoping it held the answers to how to get over the awful feeling a breakup leaves behind and so disappointed to finish the book and have no more answers than what I started with. I will say that I have a better understanding of "moving on" now as I've gotten older and like you said, it may take awhile but soon that list will be compiled on all the reasons he's best just being friend.

    P.S. I loooove Living Single and Overton and Sinclair were not weird…just different.

  • TheRealestLeo

    It only takes one time….Just like everyone else has said.

    But I also think that on the flip side, it only takes one good woman and one good relationship to bring a man's heart back from the dark side.

    Still waiting on that to be proven, though.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

      "…it only takes one good woman and one good relationship to bring a man’s heart back from the dark side…" I'm waiting to sing the guy version of "Unbreak My Heart" myself… To bump into a woman who has as much patience as I had with those bitter sisters and heartbroken sisters I stood by from time to time…

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

      "Patience" is not the best word… "Acceptance" is far more accurate… People fear and shun what they don't understand…

  • http://johnskywalker.wordpress.com/ JohnTHESkywalker

    The song that comes to mind…..for me….

    "Can't be Friends" by Trey Songz

    I'm not much into R&B….but this one hit the core of my heart. When I first heard it, that's how I felt when I first separated from my first true love. When I saw the video….it was like a projection from the deepest subconscious of myself. Not as dark…my version was a bit more darker.

    Today……we still can't be friends, but I'm so glad we did it, glad we loved it, and glad I fell so deep in love. Without the chaos I wouldnt be able to appreciate the peace. Near death experiences don't have to be physical….

    • JoyfulA

      "Without the chaos I wouldnt be able to appreciate the peace. Near death experiences don’t have to be physical…."

      Would like to have a moment of silence for this truth. *bows head*

  • http://www.twitter.com/sweetchicgeek Sweet Chic Geek

    The innocence and naiveté of that first love isn't something to be done again, but as staggering as that deep hurt can be our ability to love matures as we do.

    Love requires sacrifice, and while I don't feel you should stop looking out for yourself – the idea of exposing yourself to vulnerability is what opens the path. Walls are great at protecting yourself, but they also keep out much of the good stuff.

    Master your fear.

  • WHW

    A lot of men lose their ability to be in love after experiencing their first heartbreak. Being in love is sometimes coupled with newness, innocence and partial naivety. This doesn't hinder them from finding another person and experiencing a greater love than what they once had. Men love hard, hurt even harder and the process of forgiving is a long journey. A journey worth taking when meeting that special person you were always destined to meet.

  • Sambaguy

    It's all so beautiful . I feel a Lionel Richie song coming on….

  • Sambaguy

    @Symbiotic : real men have feelings? Maybe certain cultural groups have rather rigid gender preconceptions but I'd like to think that is changing. But I'm not entirely surprised when people identify rigidly with gender stereotypes. It's all a part of the conditioning process. What's really cool is that Forty years ago there wasn't even the space to articulate what Dr J is writing about, as a man. Autopoesis looks at how systems relate to other systems. Gunther Tuebuner. Spelling is off.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org Symbiotic Loner

      Yes, real men have feelings!!! "…Maybe certain cultural groups have rather rigid gender preconceptions but I’d like to think that is changing…" Then you haven't experienced the women I have experienced. Dudes like me are seen as anomolies to be shunned at all costs–too far from being effeminate to be "pegged" as "a down-low brother" yet too far considerate to being "pegged" as a testosterone-driven jerk. And, I'm not into carrying the entire load in the relationship. F*ck being a pack mule for p*ssy–the "wage" is FAR below minimum!!! I carry mine, she carry hers, and she and I both and each carry the weight of "us"… That seems to be a view very much in the minority nowadays… (smile) An anomoly to be shunned at all cost…

  • Sambaguy

    What I was thinking re autopoiesis is that people are both autonomous and dependent but some times people treat it or act as if it's a binary type of situation so you're either a macho or a punk, relationship wise you're either the one that's being carried or the one that's doing the heavy lifting but it's not always that simple or clear as I'm sure the married peeps on the site will attest.

  • Young Innocence

    I never understood your statement when you said

    "Don’t date a guy who’s heart hasn’t been broken in. Their heart is like a glow stick, it doesn’t shine the right way until it’s broken. He’ll end up with two alternatives for women, either he finds the one that he thinks fills all his requirements for a wife, or the one that he doesn’t want to let go because he doesn’t see another one like her coming."

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while. I am his first girlfriend, and I don't want to be that girl who broke his heart. But I know that if we ever broke up, I would be. Lucky for him, I had my heart broken, and I don't want to hurt him like that. But I don't understand the glow stick analogy. I am a good woman, so what's wrong if he got it right the first time.

  • KautiousNupe

    Great Article.

    Very, very telling. The writing style of this post was a bit poetic, a bit literary and a bit anectdotal.

    I appreciate that jawn good brother. Dis sum good writing! lol.

  • NiaNeek

    I know I'm late with this comment (and your writing for that matter) but #ptoflow has me catching up.

    This was a great essay. Bravo!

    It was sincere and that's definitely evident in your writing style.

    "Don’t date a guy who’s heart hasn’t been broken in. Their heart is like a glow stick, it doesn’t shine the right way until it’s broken." This was my favorite idiom

    Pain and suffering will humble the most supreme ego. I think it builds character and makes you a more interesting person. I attest to that.

  • [Q]

    I disagree. love like any event in our life [especially early life] can impact as deeply! At some point though as an adult, you ave to decide if that event(s) will define the rest of your life or not. There so many examples of personal and general hero's who no matter how shitty a past they had, didn't let that define or change their belief in the good nature of people and potential for a better tomorrow/relationship

    [Q]

  • Mary

    Oh please. Get rid of the violins,will you.

    There is no such thing as only one person to truly love. Sounds like he got caught up in the unique love of that particular person, but she isn't the only woman he can truly love. It'll just be different from that girl. Ain't nothing wrong with that.