"My Husband could get me ... but couldn't keep me!"
****Editors Note****
We changed up the comments section and added the infamous Disqus system. We have a poll in the upper right corner of the screen. Let us know what you think!
Streetz aka I almost wrote my real name as the signature, lol…
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If you are a man, and you want the picket fence and 2.5 kids there are two simple things you need to do in life:
1. Get a woman
2. Keep a woman
There is a distinct difference between the skills a man needs to get a woman (meaning to get her interested, get her willing to date him, get her to swallow the kids get intimate) vs. the skills he needs to keep her (keep her happy and in a relationship with him).
Lets examine:
Skills to get a woman
- Great presentation (Looks presentable)
- Mouthpiece Skills (Can talk)
- Fearless (Not afraid to approach a woman)
- Flirtation (Knows when to touch the shoulder without being “weird”)
- Humorous (Make her smile/giggle/laugh)
Skills to keep a woman
- Good Listening Skills (Instead of just staring at her breasts when she talks)
- Supporting & Caring (Making her bad day … good)
- The Ability to Stop Sleeping with other women (Self-explanatory)
- Fatherly Inclination (Can you take care of our bad a$$ kids)
- Providing (Are you working?)
The fact is … to get a woman you need to break through the fact that she assumes you are a dog and probably won’t treat her right (sorry … but I have concluded that is the thought running through 75% of sober black woman’s minds before I open my mouth) and hold her attention … for awhile. And the biggest thing is simply … confidence. If you can’t approach women, you might be able to keep them … but you can’t get them.
Keeping a woman … that’s a whole different story. You have already broken through her iron walls and she actually likes you. Now you need to do things like convince her you won’t come home with the “accident” at the club that has resulted in child support payments. There is only a certain amount of bullsh*t that any self-respecting woman is going to take. Keeping a woman is all about bullsh*t management.
What happens to a guy who can only get women, but can’t seem to keep them? What about the guy who would make the best husband ever, but can’t get a woman’s attention to save his life? What about the perfect specimen who has mastered the entire process? What about the sad individual who knows nothing, who can’t get or keep a woman? What happens …
Can Get a Woman & Can Keep a Woman
AKA … The Playa. The ability to gain the attention and interest of a woman comes easy, but the ability to keep her happy for the long term is just not a capability (or goal) of this person. While great at delivering dick-em-down sessions and possibly cab money … he can’t give a woman much more. Most men are “this guy” in their youth, but many never get past this stage and turn into that old playa. He can be spotted by his children by different women and several divorces.
Can Get a Woman & Can Keep a Woman
AKA … That Soft (Simping) Mofo. Maybe the thought of approaching them makes him nervous. Maybe it’s just that his idea of an good pick up line is “Hey sexy mama”. But the sad thing is that no woman may discover that he is great with kids, thinks that Monogamy is what the world needs more of, loves to give foot massages, and has decided that his goal in life is to please his woman. He can be spotted in the corner of the club, nursing one drink the whole night and telling all his boys (who are actually getting women) to respect women.
Can Get a Woman & Can Keep a Woman
AKA … The Loser. What kind of person can’t get a woman and can’t keep one … a pathetic individual. First, he has nothing really to offer a woman. Not doing anything with his life, calls his own mama a b*tch, and even though he gets no p***y … wants to be a playa. Top that off with the fact that he is corny, whack, ugly, or all of the above. Basically … a waste of space. He can be spotted by his absence of women, bad attitude, and lack of friends.
Can Get a Woman & Can Keep a Woman
AKA … SBM. More common than you would think. Funny, witty, cute and an all around joy to be around. To top all of that off … faithful, good job, good with kids, and has “Happy Wife” on his list of lifelong goals. He can wine and dine you, making you want him as your top Friend with Benefits, but when you hear about the way he treats his mama, you realize that you need more than just his house shaking org*sms. He might be better in one area over the other, but he’s good at what he does. He can be spotted by the large amount of women watching him walk away.
Two skills that define every man walking. At any point at time we can hold any combination of skills … but we all should be working to that perfect So what kind of guy are you? What kind of guy are you dating? And finally … can someone survive with only one?
- SBM aka I got it all aka I had to learn
Can Get a Woman& Can Keep a WomanI fall under this category (for now…)
Thanks for the posts… def. can relate…
As a 22 year old male, I wasn't properly trained in the first place & had to learn through trial & error… still learning… benefits of being proactive
In 6 months or less, I will officially change categories…
Good Post (As Usual)
Adonis …. I like what you said, about losing money chasing women but can't lose women chasing money!!!
As an aside..Try this one time: As you and some female are kicking it…before you go on a date.. just in casual conversation…TELL HER YOU BROKE!!!! 
Dude this is the funniest ish I've ever seen… Hint: Don't listen to anything she says by way of reply until after you "Look dead up in her face… If her face cracks at all… Run Toby!!! Run!!!! 
"
I ain't hatin, trust me… but I think..l.It's all about the Benjamins!!!
Thank you Jay… I like that… OMG… Thanks
Good article! *thumbs up*
First off this is a great post! Second, a great post! I think you covered pretty much everything. I know getting a woman for some is hard but it's actually trying to keep a woman but then again some woman can't be kept – or I think that's an excuse we feed ourselves at times.
I think I can get one I just don't put that much energy in getting one. I know I have what it takes to keep one but I'm lazy. I'm a lazy dater. So getting one, is much harder than the list you name. So much goes into getting one. Again, I'm lazy…
I've dated alot of Can only Get A Woman type and Can only Keep A Woman Type…i think its an age thing. I'm only 23, so I'm not looking for anything serious.
Plus I feel like I seriously have to have my stuff together before I can make a real attempt at being with the well rounded Can Get & Keep a woman type. One thing I fear will keep me from ever having a guy like that is the fact that I don't want to get married…ever (another story for another time). I'm nervous that the well rounded Can Get & Keep type HAS to come with a wedding ring eventually and my stance on not getting married is something I'm not willing to change.
Now as far as surviving with only one type I've witnessed women deal with both types…actually all types including the Loser. Believe it or not Losers come in female form too. The Simps marry the overbearing, demanding type of women and are either miserable or happy. The Ol Playas get married too and end up having two families on opposite sides of town. So, I guess it is possible to survive with just one, but who wants to JUST survive? That's not love or living.
I've dated both the Can only Get type and the Can only Keep type. I haven't met the well rounded Can Get & Keep Type. Those types are usually married or in a serious relationship. I'm only 23, so I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
I know I have to have my shit all the way together before I can really catch the attention of the well rounded Can Get & Keep type. Even after I can confidently say "I got my shit together" I fear that I will never have the well rounded type because those types usually want to get married and live that suburban family life. I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED……ever (another story for another time.) I'm scared that this type doesn't exist without the wedding ring coming eventually and my stance on not getting married is pretty much set in stone.
Is there a version of the Can Get & Keep type that DOESN'T want to get married and not have kids (maybe)?
Now as far as surviving with one type I've seen it done before. The Simps usually marry the overbearing, demanding chick and are either miserable or happy to serve. The Ol Playas get married but have two families on opposite sides of town. And even the Losers guys get love because Loser comes in female form too…Surviving with one type can be done, but who JUST wants to survive? That's not love or living.
From a female point of view I see it is a really lose, lose situation… Because those types aree so in demand… why would they pick you out of all the plethora of females… And then will he commit to you if he does pick you… #catch-22
But I believe that females should still compete especially if high quality love & sex are really important to them… #WhateverItTakes…
I believe committing to one person for the rest of your life is still possible without marriage. I just feel like it is Extremely RARE to find a great well rounded guy that doesn't want to get married. The good guys are usually raised to grow up, get a great career, find the one, get married, have kids, live in the suburbs….where do I fit in? I don't want any of that.
well… all you need is one guy… & to be ready for him when he comes… improbable YES, impossible… (You know the answer to that…)
It is amazing what they brain can give when you fully focus your mind on something…
It almost defies reality…
I hope you find him…
"I got my shit together" I fear that I will never have the well rounded type because those types usually want to get married and live that suburban family life. I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED……ever (another story for another time.)
I'm scared that this type doesn't exist without the wedding ring coming eventually and my stance on not getting married is pretty much set in stone.
Just date a guy and don't bring up marriage… problem solved. Just don't say, "I don't want to get married… ever" unless he directly asks. You can "go together" for as long as you want. lol
as a simpe, (#oldEnglishStyle) i am doing my best to avoid the overbearing…i turn on the lazyness, and i think that's what keeps them away
This is probably the best post ive read this year so far.
Painfully enough i think im stuck between the soft simping mofo and the SBM.
Indeed, too many times i've written two messages to two women using the same lines like "hey mama". To make it worst my aunty knows me for giving feet massages and will even call me for one!
On other hand my SBM side has given me the ability to keep almost every women i get past the initial stages with. I'll have to lose them in the near future though as its getting too complicated, i need more sleep to perform well at work and the fear im receiving far too much radiation from being on the phone.
Thankfully day by day i get bored of being the me that i am and skin the shell thats kept me in the halfway house for a couple of years now.
Peace
After reading this twice and thinking for a few minutes….I think I could keep a woman, but I definitely am not a pro at getting them…yet. This ish takes practice; unfortunately, I have never really been able to get that practice in.
I have more of the long-term qualities that women aren't looking for right now….but I lack the curb appeal that it often takes to get my foot in the door.
I like this post. My fear is that, most men fall into the category of "Can get & not really trying to keep" realm. In general, men these days are just lazy with that…they are okay in the beginning and then as soon as they have achieved there goal with you…there eyes begin to wander and they begin to look for the next conquest…this is especially true, I think, of men in there 20's…I don't think a man reaches the point where "he can get a woman & wants to keep one" until he reaches probably 35….before that it's playtime really, a few serious relationships may come and go but they aren't really ready to settle down……
I messed up my name…crapper. I think, you all know who I am by now. lol
Queen!!!
soft simpin' mofo… *cries in the corner*
i know the reasons, but i am who i am, so i stopped worrying about it, and i'm doing my best to paying attention to getting money.
You forgot…can get a women, keep a women…but has no desire to do either.
Yes there are men with their minds on other things besides women. Not gay. Just focused on careers or tired of women’s BS. Yes some men get tired of women’s BS the same way women get tired of men’s BS.
Like the changes to the site SBM! Great post as well!
I am married to a Can Get a Woman & Can Keep a Woman. I know most of his story so I know he went through his trial and errors. He is a great catch so he was always able to get them but had to learn how to keep ME.
Getting a woman or man is easy…or shall I say not that difficult. It's keeping a person in your life that's hard. I always say, looks attract but personality keeps. You can make a list of things to do and that's great but in the end it's your personality and who you are that will keep someone loving you. That's why it's so important to work on yourself and your issues daily…like growth. Use your experiences as life lessons. I used to give the side eye to men who would say they haven't had a girlfriend in 6 years YET they were trying. Why is it that no one seems to want to partner up with you or love you long term? We all have issues that we need to work on. Looking great on paper is simply that…looking great. You have to be real and self-aware. You have to know yourself, work on your issues so you have a better core personality. Actions alone won't cut it. Also, when you have a lovable personality, it makes your flaws bearable. It allows you to be imperfect yet still loved by others.
There's no such thing as a man who does everything right. Anybody who tells you that is lying. Relationships are HARD work and it takes time to get a partnership right.
"…I always say, looks attract but personality keeps. {…] but, in the end it's your personality and who you are that will keep someone loving you. {…] Also, when you have a lovable personality, it makes your flaws bearable. It allows you to be imperfect yet still loved by others." Feel you there…
"There's no such thing as a man who does everything right…" Preaching to the choir there, now what about preaching to women? There's no such thing as "a perfect woman", either. To me, a relationship is the connection between two imperfect people who each and both grow better. (shrug) Guess I'm an anomoly…
I agree, we're saying the same thing. It goes both ways. Plus I'd like to add that you could be a good mate but are with a bad partner. There's so many factors. Overall, I see the men who are confident in themselves and in-tune with a woman's needs tend to stay committed.
Thanks, SmartFoxGirl… I'm not with anyone right now, but I have been with several "bad partners". I tend to take such experiences as learning tools, and there's always room to grow for me. "…I see the men who are confident in themselves and in-tune with a woman's needs tend to stay committed…" I feel the same way…
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I’ll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn’t want my nature to change or to become jaded. It’s the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Without oversharing, I can tell you that I have been through ALOT. No matter what has happened, even if out of my control, I'll still try to see what role I played and how not to repeat that mistake. I didn't want my nature to change or to become jaded. It's the people who constantly blame others that go without change. Learning from everything is the right attitude.
Oh… And, committment is and isn't a choice for me. I've been burned, but I am an emotional and sexual symbiont. Due to my symbiotic nature, committment is practically second-nature to me. But, I've learned to be discerning of which women are worthy of such committment.
Well if what you are doing isn't working… change… the human body can handle it at a slow pace
I stick to committment because there are still women worth committing to… And, it's my nature to commit one way or another to a woman…whether as friends or deeper…
I understand and I am not mad at you… but GTFOHWTBS…
Do what is best for you…
IMO you are just as bad as the women who wait for a man to come through hoping that he will accept you for the way she is…
#NoSympathy
I'm perfectly willing to accept a woman for the way she is… Simply because that's a part of true friendship… And, because I expect her to do the same… Besides, "fake it 'til you make it" doesn't fit me well…
This is where I disagree… things that come easy to people are the stuff they have train they mind over & over to do…
I am one of those guys who can solve REALLY "complex" issues, but have a hard time tying my shoes (& I lose stuff alot) or the simple stuff…
common sense is not to common with me…
So when it comes to keeping women, that is easy…
Once I start banging her, showing her the massage game… Being the passionate intense man I am… GAME OVER…
But I was not told that you have to play the
superficial bullsh*tdating game… (And most of my life, I abhorred being superficial to get a girl) And some of the stuff in the dating game is WAY different from the relationship game (hence this insightful post…)So, getting someone maybe easy for you, but at someone pointed out in the last post, women my age VERY much into the superficial & I might assume when you were early 20s you might have been that girl…
Like you, I can solve complex issues like physics equations but will get lost in the mall. This is because we're deep thinkers so the smaller picture gets lost sometimes. Not everything is so deep. Sometimes it's just knowing people and being insightful. (D@mn I sound like a preacher today and I am SO not, excuse me if I seem like I'm feeling myself lol) Mating is not primal anymore. Unfortunately, you're going to have to play the game. We live in a superficial world. We judge each other off of appearance and our expectations are high. It is what it is. You can play the game and still be yourself though. Dressing nicer, getting a diff haircut, playing your cards right and not too early etc don't change who you are…underneath the package is still you…so as long as you are real at the end of the day you won't lose yourself in the game.
Btw, you're 22 right? I wouldn't have too high expectations because 22 today is not like it was 30 years ago. There's too many distractions.
That was sweet music my ears… the dating game can be very fun if you plan on just
f*cking & s*ckingonly the superficial… I don't mind making the adjustment… I love it when people are honest@ SFG
When you're not given a chance to show what you're capable of….that sucks. And when a man is in situations where people aren't willing to give him a chance…..he could go 6 years without any relationships. I'm sitting on about 10 years, myself. That's like saying the quarterback sitting on the bench is a bad QB but nobody's ever seen him play.
I have to ask….
Where do you live — that you are having such a difficult time finding someone suitable to date? I'm already assuming that it's not DC, NY or ATL
But DC, and NY have high HIV rates. Plus most of the girls in DC (excluding whites cos I don't have much interactions with them) are just groupies and "aimless ambitions" kinda women. It's all about FUR, LOVE, THE PARK, SHADOW ROOM, THE MANSION, 1223, LOTUS, ULTRA BAR etc etc. looking for Athletes, and the so called CELEBS. Women in DC need to start celebrating themselves more, instead of looking for artificial approval from the public, fickle accomplishments I say…
Oh DC is ratchet like that… ok…
oh lord.
most? really? ok then.
o___O
I am overseas in Korea at the moment…but even when I was in the States, dating sucked. I'm from Detroit, but I've spent most of my adult life (including college) in DC.
im frm miami n im 19 an im having a huge problem getting girlsnot because of looks because women tell me im cute but becuz i dnt hava job or a car n becuz i look like a thug becuz i have dreads im not getting play dam u shollow a$$ women
Just because you haven't been in a relationship doesn't mean you're a bad partner. Like you said, you wouldn't know. I will say (since we've had this convo 5011 times) that you know it has alot to do with where you live and the fact that you are in the military. I think you live in Korea right? Anywho, you know what your problems are. Can I add something? Not waiting for you to say yes…you seem to blame women alot for your singledom. The same way you hate the "men aint isht" mentality is the same way women hate the "there's no good black women" mentality.
Yes SFG, you are spot on!
Leo has to be careful because whether you know or it not, you are exuding that mentality when meeting women. They see and hear your hurt and that may turn them off. That's too much to deal with initially.
Your thoughts become your actions.
Well, I'm already coming to the conclusion that I must not be that good of a man in terms of relationships…otherwise, I would have at least had a taste of one over these years. It can't be every woman I've come across (although lately, it is).
And yes I'm still in the military and still in Korea. I already gave up on dating as long as those two conditions are in play. Luckily I'm out of this social quagmire (Korea) in 104 days.
I'm right behind you. 7 yrs! And a Yale Alumni! Lol, I just love throwing that out there.
I've known the can get one but can't keep one…never knew it was a syndrome or anything but it makes perfect sense! This new format is freaking me out a little bit. Has it been this long since I posted?
I don't have anything to say about the article, at least not yet. But, I do love the changes you made to the comment section!
Actually, it might be better if the earlier comments are up top and the later ones at the bottom, but still great changes nonetheless.
Oh I didn't answer the question as to what type of man I'm with. He's both: Can get and can keep. His main prob was being overly-confident. It was cute when I was younger but turned into an unattractive trait. He was good looking and young. Overtime he's humbled himself alot more but it took me riding with him through the years to see the change that comes with growth and maturity. (We met young) He's def an alpha male but he's sensitive to a woman's needs. We have an overall chemistry that I haven't found elsewhere…plus he's attentive to my needs and feelings.
I think most women are attracted to “alpha” males who are sensistive to a woman’s needs.
But at least being alpha gets you results with women… Being sensitive is secondary
Being sensitive is SOOOOOO not mandatory. Especially in the "getting" phase of it. The keeping might require a little bit but even then, I don't know too many women that want a dude that cries more than them.
I think most women are attracted to "alpha" males who are sensistive to a woman's needs.
I had no idea that the "can get 'em but can't keep 'em was a syndrome. I've seen it though! Interesting write.
Also this new format is freaking me out. Has it been that long since I've posted?
You forgot…can get a women, keep a women…but has no desire to do either.
Yes there are men with their minds on other things besides women. Not gay. Just focused on careers or tired of women's BS. Yes some men get tired of women's BS the same way women get tired of men's BS.
I think I would be happy as long as he could keep me. If only I could figure out a way to detect those that have a problem getting but can keep a woman.
To the females I met who just wanted an organic dildo, I was known as Mr. Can Get A Woman–AKA The Playa… To the females I met who just wanted to juice a nigga, to have a cuddy buddy, to have a d*ck in the glass, or to have a rebound relationship, I was known as Mr. Can Keep A Woman–AKA The Soft (Simping) Mofo. To the females I've met who got brainwashed by the "black men ain't sh*t" propaganda, I was known as Mr. Can Not Get A Woman & Can Not Keep A Woman–AKA The Loser. To the few true women I've met who were woman enough to stick around long enough to get to know the real me through true friendship, I'm known as and cherished as Mr. Can Get A Woman & Can Keep A Woman AKA Mr. In There With You… Now one "small" question…what woman is worthy to get me and KEEP me?
"But I want to be free, free, freeeeeee…/And, I just got to be me, yeah, be meeeeeee…" Quote Deniece Williams in "Free"
Love the post!!
Not sure the full context is being explored. In Law School one is taught never to
ask a question for which you don't already know the answer. Ideally, a good attorney
can solicit a certain answer by "FRAMING" the question.
Example: Have you beat your girlfriend lately?
If the answer is YES, you are a girlfriend beater!
If the answer is NO, you are a girlfriend beater…. You just have not beat her lately!!
By, extension, the the title of this post "Frames The Context" in and of itself… so my comment is directed to my brothers ONLY.///Ladies I mean no disrespect.. so don't read this post as such. Just bro talk!!
First the underlying implication is "It's a man's job to get and keep a woman".
"If" one buys into this framing of the subject; The conclusion is foregone… Is it not?
My contention is men do not need to rush to catch or keep any woman.
It matters not how he treats his mother, whether his playa playa days are behind
him or in front of him, whether he has a job or not, whether or not he goes to clubs etc…
The timing is not always in his control. It takes two to tango…The man therefore
is only 'one variable' in this so-called GET/KEEP SCENARIO.
What matters is "What does THIS MAN want to do with HIS LIFE?".
Notice, I said "His Life".
Men have no body clock issues… We can have children as long as the swimmers are
swimming, which for most of us is long into our 60"s. … And as much as women hate to
admit it, older men 'rock'… Hugh Hefner (not that I'm a fan) is the latest example of a
much older man pulling a much younger woman. Hugh is in his 80's!!!
My brothers, RE FRAME AND RELAX… Live your life!!!.. Live your life now!!!..
Keep your money in your pocket!!!.. Keep your feelings in check!!!…
Keep your vices under control!!!!… Handle up on your own, mind, body and soul….
and the most amazing thing will happen….. SHE WILL FIND YOU!!.. …
And if she doesn't… It's not a big deal… You've got time.. Plenty of it!!!!!
Any man with an ex, should recognize the following framing questions:
Where were you? Why did you do that? What did you do?
When did you decide to do it that way?….
(When I'm asked these types of questions I look her dead in the eye
and say NOTHING. I have to explain nothing to anyone…period!)
Not sure the full context is being explored. In Law School one is taught
never to ask a question for which you don't already know the answer.
Ideally, a good attorney can solicit a certain answer by "FRAMING" the question.
Example: Have you beat your girlfriend lately?
If the answer is YES, you are a girlfriend beater!
If the answer is NO, you are a girlfriend beater…. You just have not beat her lately!!
By, extension, the the title of this post "Frames The Context" in and of itself.
First the underlying implication is "It's a man's job to get and keep a woman". "If" one buys into this framing of the subject; The conclusion is foregone… Is it not?
My contention is men do not need to rush to catch or keep any woman. It matters not how he treats his mother, whether his playa playa days are behind him or in front of him, whether he has a job or not, whether or not he goes to clubs etc… The timing is not always in his control. It takes two to tango…The man therefore is only 'one variable' in this so-called GET/KEEP SCENARIO.
What matters is "What does THIS MAN want to do with HIS LIFE?". Notice, I said "His Life".
Men have no body clock issues… We can have children as long as the swimmers are swimming, which for most of us is long into our 60"s. … And as much as women hate to admit it, older men 'rock'… Hugh Hefner (not that I'm a fan) is the latest example of a much older man pulling a much younger woman. Hugh is in his 80's!!!
My brothers, RE FRAME AND RELAX… Live your life!!!.. Live your life now!!!.. Keep your money in your pocket!!!.. Keep your feelings in check!!!… Keep your vices under control!!!!… Handle up on your own, mind, body and soul…. and the most amazing thing will happen….. SHE WILL FIND YOU!!.. …And if she doesn't… It's not a big deal… You've got time.. Plenty of it!!!!!
Any man with an ex, should recognize the following framing questions:
Where were you? Why did you do that? What did you do? When did you decide to do it that way?…. (When I'm asked these types of questions I look her dead in the eye and say NOTHING. I have to explain nothing to anyone…period! This is what men do!! I find it very ironic, sometimes we men answer a question when posed by a woman, that we'd consider off limits if one of our boys asked the same question)/ Again, I love the post!!! This is all my personal opinion…and being a black man presents it's own unique set of challenges…'dating a black woman should not be one of them'!!
Brother says, you can lose money chasing women, but not lose women chasing money… Thanks for the reminder Jay…
Also… Framing is a HUGE topic in itself… but if somebody asks me a #swindle question like that… I break the frame of the question…
I need to go to Law School too…
My apologies for the double trouble… This new system got me.. But it's cool. I'll adjust next time.
I like this post. Wonder if there's a female version. I'm sure there is.
Digging the new way to comment too
Yea, a female version of this would be interesting…
Nice revamp on the page!
John Skywalker is: CANT Get a Woman, but CAN Keep a Woman
I'm very extrovert with introverted tendencies. I love my freedom and strongly value my space (I'm an artist and a young philosopher). I'm pretty shy when it comes to women. I'm not afraid to approach a woman that I can immediately identify with. As in, she's shy and reserved just like me – but has a hint of openess and sincerity. I'll respond to anyone who responds to me; but initiating is very rare for me. I'm sort of particular about my tastes in women (not picky). I value appearance, but I love the rare gems that no one notices. I have the romantic endurance for a long term relationship, but I lack the confidence to initiate because I'm looking for a "mutual attraction". The pond I'm fishin in gives me little or no eye-play. I'm very reluctant and reserved because I realize that not everyone is compatible with me. Most women that I'm interested in are taken, not interested, or would rather have me as a platonic friend. <<< I keep very few platonic female friends; unless we are long distance or I dont find you physically attractive.
I'm not seriously look, but my senses are open….sort of. What can I say, I'm an adventurous hermit. I have the best of both worlds…..if a woman showed some interest, then I'd reciprocate.
i would say that i'm good at both getting and keeping women. i would give the slight edge to keeping women because i'm not really that great at meeting women. when i say great i mean compared to my friends. i don't deal with rejection well so i don't approach women unless she gives a sure sign that she's interested.
I like nice guys so The Playa gets no love from me and The Can and Can Keep a woman will get a glance, but I make him work for it.
I LOVE the Can't Get a Woman, but Can Keep a Woman type…AKA The Simp on SBM…better thought of as Mr. Nice Guy. I can spot those men a mile away. I actually "APPROACH" these type of men. When I say "approach", I befriend them (just in case they turn out to become a mass murderer) and I make nice, get them comfortable…then they eventually catch the googley eyes and are comfortable enough to ask me out….in which case I run for the hills (if they're not my type) or I take the date. I think they're cute and unassuming…on the surface. They can either turn out to be the Wonderful Nice guy or the Wolf in Sheep's clothing…you gotta watch out for the latter…
Speaking as a nice guy learning to use his edge, don't pass up the Mr. Wonderfuls for the Wolves in Sheeps' Clothing…
"I LOVE the Can't Get a Woman, but Can Keep a Woman type…AKA The Simp on SBM…better thought of as Mr. Nice Guy. I can spot those men a mile away. I actually "APPROACH" these type of men. When I say "approach", I befriend them (just in case they turn out to become a mass murderer) and I make nice, get them comfortable…then they eventually catch the googley eyes and are comfortable enough to ask me out….in which case I run for the hills (if they're not my type) or I take the date. I think they're cute and unassuming…on the surface. They can either turn out to be the Wonderful Nice guy or the Wolf in Sheep's clothing…you gotta watch out for the latter… "
(cheers and whistles)…..you should give a lecture for those who are looking for these types of men because that "approach" seems very effective and safe. I would wonder how you would be able to spot a Nice Guy however because many of us are pretty reserved and quiet. Is your tactic to catch the Mr. Nice Guy in their comfortable selves (in the act of being themselves in the absence of a woman)? And what about appearance? And what if the guy is absolutely near-sighted when it comes to receiving your signals? Some of have little experience with women and can't recognize the subtle signs of a woman's interest.
Well I bother them lol. I like different people, different in the sense where a person isn't trying to be like everyone else…popular, "swagtastic", "normal"…those people bore me. SO I tend to befriend weird/mysterious people and have interesting conversation, etc. In general I like to approach dating and relationships through the friends first route anyway, so that works in the shy guys favor off bat.
"Is your tactic to catch the Mr. Nice Guy in their comfortable selves (in the act of being themselves in the absence of a woman)?"
I guess I come off as unassuming too, because I'm pretty much an annoying but friendly and not to mention pretty girl approaching them. So they don't get too nervous and after many conversations we can be considered friendly I think.
"Appearance??"
My motive usually is not to date these men. Its just to have fun meeting new people. If there cute, Great! If not…thats okay, we'll stay friends lol. I'm mainly attracted to personality, but I still have to be attracted physically to a guy (but this is all relative).
"And what if the guy is absolutely near-sighted when it comes to receiving your signals?"
Assuming I want to date these men I would go from subtle flirting to full on planning a date and making him take me.
Yeah, I like being in control
For some reason, I can't believe this.
can't believe what? that women like her exist?
well guys like you and me exist, no? #Justsaying
Haha, its true! I'm not your average lady, let alone black girl…I can be, but for the most part I'm not. I'm weird, so just take it as that.
I can… they are rare though… you gotta go where these types of women frequent…
"The same things you did to GET us you must continue to do in order to KEEP us" … …
We (females) hear this catchphrase on the regular but this is one that the males could benefit from hearing in heavy rotation too. Too many times I've seen when a man finally gets his girl, after awhile he just becomes complacent and starts taking her for granted because he got so comfy in the relationship.
Sidenote: Maybe I'm on my own with this one buuut I don't like this new way of commenting, it's confusing. *Sheesh*
RE your side note:
I think this is on the woman/man. If she allows him to become complacent, he will. However, both parties are responsible for keeping the relationship on its toes. You really do teach people how to treat you. Complaining and nagging does not work. Actions are best when you are trying to make a change, words just don’t cut it all the time.
This goes back to that post about mind-reading (wait I think it was titled something else), if you are feeling taken for granted, do something. We all have many things to tend too with little time to do it. It may not be personal at all. I have a tendency to become so caught up in things that it requires to run my house that I may forget to give my husband a kiss before we depart, but on those days, he just kisses me. Problem solved!
"However, both parties are responsible for keeping the relationship on its toes." — Yes I totally Agree!!!!
Relationships/Marriage is work, HarD WorK!!!! I've been to that amusement park (marital mountain) got the T-shirt and can't say that I have any plans on ever going back.
*walks around timidly* This new comment system will take some getting use to. Anyway…
Two skills that define every man walking. At any point at time we can hold any combination of skills … but we all should be working to that perfect So what kind of guy are you?
What kind of guy are you dating?And finally … can someone survive with only one?Good post. My thoughts on your questions.
Honestly, I think men (and women) adapt to the different people they're dating and their goals in dating them. e.g. A man can be a "playa" with one women but he might be or will court another woman if he sees that he wants something serious from her.
As far as what's needed to succeed. Obviously all of the above would help as you pointed out in the last category BUT, I think everyone but the loser can succeed. So if you Can Get a Woman, like the playa, your "game" might be so smoooth that you can keep her around despite the fact that she knows your a player. She might want a piece of you rather than have none of you. There's plenty of examples in real life, but I'm reminded of that guy in that Jerry Springer movie who kept cheating on his girl but she stayed with him through the entire movie? Please dont tell me I'm the only one that watched that movie. lol
Now the can Can Keep A Woman as described above sounds like a 'nice guy.' Lots of nice guys get women but they do often finish last. In this instance I still think he can survive because a woman may only want a nice guy and may not be worried about the other features, e.g. he treats her well, has a nice job, lays it down ok (lol), and does right by her children. I think plenty of women 'settle' for this guy do an aversion of risk of: a) avoiding the player and b) never finding a guy who has both features.
GirlSixx….heck I just quit commenting for today cause I can't figure out what's goin on
Can get a woman and keep her? I think for me this has to do with consistency. I'm very consistent with women. I don't switch it up or something. Usually the reasons why I hooked her, are the reasons why she's still with me.
This blog is missing one thing about guys who can keep a woman but not get them. Some of these guys, if they are black males, will happen to end up with white girls. They might be nerdy and meet a white girl in school, or maybe the girl will come after him, but for whatever reason they marry a white girl and take care of her/ bring home the bacon/ keep her/ treat her right.
Then black women will say that "why are all the good men dating white women" but not realize that they never gave him a chance when he was a young bachelor.
This only happens to some guys who don't have enough confidence/game/style to get girls, but it is pretty interesting when the guy is black and probably preferred black women … but black women never gave him a chance. Yet when he dated the white girl who finally did give him a chance and he treats her the way he would treat any girlfriend of his, the black women will turn around and get upset saying all the good men date white women.
LMAO… Good post… Co-Sign… Black Women can't be mad at that…
for one day.. it would be nice not to read some bitter diatribe about black women running black men to the arms of white women.
it's a choice you make who you want to date. own your choice and stop kicking rocks at an entire group of women to justify it.
it's tired.
im tired.
Can we please focus on the men in the comments… I know what's up with the women Ad Nauseum… Men definitely need to improve on a masculine level…
What I love about this post, is that we should become well psychologically integrated human beings… Alot of human being inherited effed up situations and have to turn sh*t into sugar…
But advice I can use to improve… I am going to take it & RUN…
Thanks again SBM
What about keeping a man…!
I think that women need to be on there P's and Q's more now than ever! More women than men equals more to chose from. These women need to know as Mos Def so put it;
"I'll give you all the diamonds and money
But you can't break my heart
Cause that'll just get you fired
And everybody needs a job…"
I'm 33 and male and I don't have a woman in my life. I hate the ideal that society thinks every man can get a woman which is bullsh1t in my opinion. I don't see any sign in my life that I'll ever get. Woman love will be forever dead in my life.