This image pisses me off.
I’m not actually mad, even though all black people are still salty about their 40 acres, prone to bouts of crime, and intimidate “the others” by saying things as simple and courteous as “hello” and “excuse me.” It’s just that pictures like these aren’t all the way accurate.
Introverts, like most stuff that people don’t understand, get a bad rap. It doesn’t help #thestruggle when you have serial killers and sociopaths described as introverted or when someone fitting the personality type lacks the balls to speak or stand up for him or herself. I mean…there are introverts like that and they are lame. The thing is they would have been deadly and/or lame regardless.
Introversion and extroversion are about where people draw their energy from. Introverts draw it from having solitude and downtime, while extroverts draw it from being around people. For example, if an introvert has a rough day at work then he or she may just wanna go home, lay down, and watch tv or chill with a select few friends. An extrovert may opt to go out for drinks somewhere busy or somewhere where they’re surrounded by people.
I remember sitting at brunch last weekend on Mimosa #23 when I was in DC and someone mentioned that I was quiet. This happens a lot even though I could have been conversing with people around me for hours, which is pretty much what happened and what I do. And every time this pops up, I find myself taking a step back to evaluate if I’ve really been sitting there silently or if it’s just the perception that because I’m not yelling and aggressively making rounds that I come off as awkward, recluse, or someone that isn’t having a good time. By the way, I get just as annoyed as women do when someone tells me to smile. I know that people mean well, but it’s about as effective as “I’m sorry for your loss.” I’m just saying.
On the flip, some folks refuse to believe I’m introverted despite the fact my argument is far from swiss cheese. That’s another thing. I never understood how someone could argue with me about how I’m describing myself. If I said I looked like my name was Bervous or I described myself as short, lumpy, and dry, I’d get it and so would she. The conversation usually goes a little something like this:
Scenario 1
Me: Yeah, I’m always trying to explain that I’m introverted and some people don’t get it.
Wrongneesha: You are not! You’re funny and you speak well. I’ve even seen you approach women. Introverted dudes can’t do that.
Me: I have a personality and I go after what I like, want, and need. (Raises hand to get check)
Wrongneesha: Most of the introverted guys I know aren’t like that. On top of that, you work in HR. That’s a people position!
Me: You’ll see how introverted I am when I take you home tonight, let loose the python in Harlem, and put you in the people’s position if you smell what I’m cooking.
Wrongneesha: What? **drip**
Scenario 2
Some chick that used to hate me: I really use to think you were a jerk and that you thought you were better than people. Also thought you were boring and that you hated people.
Me: What did you base all that on? If I hated people, that would mean I hated my mom.
SCTUTHM: I don’t know. You were kinda quiet and I saw you leave a few events early. It was just weird.
Me: That’s funny. You ready to get dressed? I wanna go to iHop.
SCTUTHM: Yeah, me too. Can you pass me that towel? I’m still a little…well, you know.
One of the key things that separates some introverts from others is the ability to flex out of their natural comfort zone in social settings. When I make the decision to go out and be social, I’ll go out and be social. You won’t see me cowering in a corner looking awkward. I’ll be drinking a drink, leaning back and doing the Rockaway, and probably acting just like everybody else at the function. (By the way, are Black people the only ones that describe events as functions?) But when I’m tired and my social battery is blinking red and you keep telling me to man up, I just might punch you in the face, call someone of the same sex to do it for me, fall asleep on someone’s hotel bed and end up vulnerable, or go get my coat and go home.
A Random Key Point
I tie in introversion to this shortage in good Black men chatter. It isn’t that there aren’t a lot of good Black men out there. It’s that they aren’t all outgoing. It’s easier to notice the life of the party than homie standing off to the side kicking it with his peoples. 30-50% of men are introverts. Women should use 100% of the resources. I say women because men will holler at introverted chicks with no problem.
Folks also need to understand that just because someone is introverted doesn’t mean they are timid, weak-minded, missionary men/women, and grab life by the nothing. If introverts are reserved in public, they have to be conserving that energy for something other than their sanity. Maybe it’s being saved for your spine. If you haven’t, try going home with one and see what happens. I can’t guarantee it’ll work out, but it’s worth a shot. Besides, you increase your odds of finding a good mate if you go after the 30-50% that nobody is really thinking about.
That’s just my 2 cents. What are yours? I’m trying to collect a few dollars today. What are your thoughts on introverts? Have you been pleasantly surprised or traditionally disappointed? And to my introverts out there, this is your chance to debunk a few myths of your own.
Only awkward when you make it that way,
P.S. I’ll be live-tweeting another panel discussion event this Saturday from 7-10 pm at the Open Center in NYC. This Together Apart event will focus on cheating, monogamy, and side pieces. Should be a great time and would be cool to see SBM folks there. You can get more details here.
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As a self-proclaimed introvert, I definitely agree with this post. A lot of times, people will ask me what's wrong with me, or if I'm having a good time, or if I am just ready to go, and I look at them like they're crazy because I'm having a perfectly good time, I'm just not overly demonstrative about it. I really let my hair down around my close group of friends and those people that they bring with them. If I'm around a new group, it takes me a minute to warm up to people and to really be myself; otherwise, I'm just standing there, sipping my drink, and observing everything. I do conserve my energy when I'm out in social settings — sometimes, I'd rather be in the bed watching ESPN than be at the bar, but…if I'm out, I'm gonna make the most of it. But yeah, I'm introverted by nature (and sometimes by choice), even though I'm trying to make strides to be more personable when I'm out…
"will ask me if anything is wrong"
Agreed. I love that. I love the psycho-analyzer especially. Because you behave in the manner of x, you have must have y problems and issues.
You walked up to me and said "Hi I'm LBoogie" and left. lol I was like "come baaaack" in my mind. I wanted to talk to you more but the music was too loud. But yeah, I cosign what you are saying. I'm an extrovert but I still take a moment to warm up to others. Maybe my moment is just quicker than the typical introvert but what you described is pretty normal to me. I don't just walk up to strangers yapping off at the mouth. We should conserve our energy in public. I save my rachetness for inside the house. lol
"I’m introverted by nature (and sometimes by choice)"
I completely agree here. I've always thought of myself as an observer for some people its easy to just jump in but I'd rather be prepared and know if I'm about to dive into a big ol' pool of stupid. And as stated in the post you gotta catch an introvert in other settings…. like one on one conversation, etc. alot of us shine there vs. SOME extroverts whose "life of the party" personality can't really adapt in those positions.
I am naturally drawn to introverts as I find that I have better interactions with them. Extroverts or thosr who are life of the parties usually are too energetic for me, hopping from one group to another. Its also why I prefer to have a small group of friends.
I think introverts get a bad rep. I had a person tell me my facebook count was too low as I was to "shy" to friend people. Like wtf? I didnt realise we were measuring introvertness by facebook friends!
lol @ HR being a people job. As someone who worked in HR, it attracts all types!
"I tie in introversion to this shortage in good Black men chatter. It isn’t that there aren’t a lot of good Black men out there. It’s that they aren’t all outgoing. It’s easier to notice the life of the party than homie standing off to the side kicking it with his peoples. 30-50% of men are introverts. Women should use 100% of the resources. I say women because men will holler at introverted chicks with no problem."
This! Truth.
It really has to be hard to be an introverted man in the dating world sometimes…the majority of women really seem to want the aggressive guy to pursue her and our society has stigmatized female aggressors, so sometimes the introverted men can get a bad rap and written off as weak or a simp or shy or whatever. While that "aggressive" female gets labeled as fast or thirsty or desperate or whatever the slander of the week is…
One thing I didn't have space to mention in the post is that often times when an introverted person is sitting there quietly, they're probably dissecting (no serial killer) whoever they're looking at or listening to and figuring out just how quickly they could break that person down. Or…maybe that's just me.
You can't be alone, I definitely do this and I would never label myself as introverted. I feed off people like Hannibal Lecter.
Oh, and for the record (and at the risk of insulting the definition of "introverts" in some way), not that I'm arguing with your self assessment, but you were incredibly personable and engaged IRL the few moments that I spent with you. I was impressed, for all intents and purposes I was a total stranger, who has pissed you off on occasion and still you were incredibly welcoming (which I appreciated).
*throws a couple more coins in your coffer* How much we up to?
Yeah, I be hugging and sh*t. I don't think this goes against the definition of an introvert though. Socially awkward recluse…yes.
I agree. Introverts are always trying to assess situations.
Love this post. I actually read a book(it was called "The Introvert Advantage") about introverts because I was tired of people telling me that I should have more energy because I couldn't hang with them when it came to going out on the weekends. I learned about how Introverts draw their energy from inside where extroverts draw their energy from social situations and other people. Made a lot of sense to me because if I go out one night, the next day I need to recharge my batteries and I most likely won't want to talk to anybody. And I value my "me" time and my small group of friends. I rarely get bored because I could entertain myself all day long… I don't look for others in order to have a good time. The book actually made me understand my personality a lot more…
"And I value my “me” time and my small group of friends."
This! I didn't realize how much I valued my "me" time until I went away for college. I also didn't know how much I liked having a small group of friends until I noticed that large group of friends tend to have a lot more drama.
"… I don’t look for others in order to have a good time."
I have no problem doing things on my own from going to the movies on a Friday night to going overseas for weeks at a time.
Does this also include going to a dining hall in college and not having to round up a group of people just to be able to eat?
Yes it does. If I'm hungry I'm going by myself. My stomach waits for no man.
Funny cause I'm an extrovert yet I STILL break people down and observe hard while in convos. I can multi-task like that.
I am an introvert. I too hate being constantly asked what's wrong when I'm quiet. But at the same time, I understand it because, around my friends, I'm a talkative person. I also hate being asked if I'm mad. If I am, you will know and asking me will only make me madder if I really am mad.
I'm a homebody as well. I'd much rather be at home writing, reading or watching one of my favorite shows than be out somewhere.
My psychology teacher broke it down for me when I confessed to her why I think my personality clashes with my mom's. She said that I was an introvert trying to thrive in the house of an extrovert. She also suggested I buy and read "The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in the Extrovert World". I bought the book but never read it because I'd been having good days with my mama. The bad days have come back though
*goes to homemade library shelf, picks up book and starts reading*
No, we're not lame, we just have our own ways of having fun and some extroverts can't/don't understand that
Ashley, That is a great book and I read it while I was in college. It really helped me put a lot of things in perspective. I feel that I am a trained extrovert now, but my natural inclination is to be introverted. I rarely find pleasure in hanging out at loud parties. I find much more pleasure being with a couple of friends, reading, or going to the movies.
This used to be a problem for me dating as I was introverted and shy (there is a difference). Once the shyness went away, it became a lot easier for me. The quantity of dates may not have been as high, but I usually found people that I connected with on some level.
totally buying that book. muy interesting.
*raises the people's eyebrow* Good post. I am an introvert and people react to me the same way. I don't go out much, but when I do, I have a good time in my own way. I don't have to be the life of the party to have a good time. I fall back and watch people, and yeah I may not smile much( working on that) but it does'nt mean that I am mean or unhappy and most people that get to know me are surprised that I joke and laugh alot.
S/N: I have voted to for SBM a few times and this site is becoming one of my faves!
Thanks for your votes and glad you're enjoying the site. There are gonna be some other things you'll have to vote for too, but more on that later.lol.
For the lazy and easily distractable can we get a semi regular tweet reminder with the link to vote? *bats eyelashes* Please.
MsEvaHoney! *waves frantic* I'm so glad you joined the convo.
Thanks Foxy! I am trying
So this is my second time posting. I'm a 21 year old male. I can say that I am introverted. Its weird because I love to be around my select group of people but in I never seem to have fun in wide scale public functions. I don't know if its because I expect to have fun or because what "extroverts" see as fun can get old quick to me. I have met many people who because I never feel inclined to talk to them or because of my "demeanor" (which I always always get) that I am assumed to be an asshole or quiet. It seems worse for kids my around my age cuz I know the people who view this blog are upwards of 25, but for me its like the people my age are lamer then the people of ya'll "years" but contrary to that they are extroverted so they like to do all the "outgoing" things. From my experience a majority of the women I come across are attracted to me physically but expect me to be a life of the party…it gets a little frustrating
Welcome back. Join the e-party more regularly. As for folks here being older, it ain't like we skipped 21. I remember that year distinctly. Well, I remember how much I drank.
I find this conversation to be really interesting because I met out at an event. I guess I was expecting for our blog posts for you to be s charming s our writing. To m chagrin it was quite the opposite you were not exactly friendly and you made it seem as though others took precedence. While I do agree that introverts tend to seek solace in being lone. I think when you are hosting something it is kind of our job to be bit cordial.
your*
LMAO! There's no way to avoid coming off as an asshole here, but I'm seriously rolling that with all those errors, you came back and corrected one!
When the post on grammar nazis posts I'ma be so in my feelings…lol
I appreciate your honesty and I'ma have to be honest too…
You're entitled to your opinion. The theme lately has been for people to come out to blogger events expecting the world then be disappointed when it isn't delivered on a silver platter. If you have feedback about the brunch or me personally, you can email me at slimjax at gmail dot com or use the contact page. You got to at least put a name with the face and I wish I could do the same thing right about now but instead you're choosing to use a post on introversion as an opportunity to deliver feedback. I guess that's cool.
By the way, this idea that writers and bloggers shouldn't respond to criticism needs to be put to rest. If someone called me out in a room full of people, I wouldn't just sit there and look at them. Thus…a comment like this is born.
I'm a mirror. I show you who you are.
I am 22, and an introvert. Just saying you aren't the only "youngin" in here.
Awww. It's gonna be an introvert love-fest. I'm honestly gonna sit my extroverted self down and watch today. Oddly enough, I was the only extrovert in a house full of intros. So guess I picked up some traits along the way. I sympathize with you. There are many misconceptions and I've seen it happen often with my mom and sisters. People think they're stuck up and judging. Couldn't be farther from the truth. Doesn't mean they're shy either, just observing and absorbing.
Damn, even when I said I'd shut up, I still had too much to say. *sits down and grabs popcorn* #carryon
When I think of a love-fest, I think of…well, I think of something this post isn't about and I think "I better be going first! I don't want no sloppy seconds!"
Lol, Slim will not miss a chance to reference a train!! Lol
I'm w/ TWIsM81. I'm an extrovert. I loves the people… although I can be a loner at times (which I think is more of a learned habit from my fahda), as was mentioned downthread there is a sliding scale so it just depends. Even when I don't feel like being around people, I can gather the energy and just do it so I think that makes me extro then intro… and I took that HR "where do you fit in?" type test for my employer a while back and I think I was a ENFJ sooo yea.
Anywhozers… I've always been attracted to introverts. I think their quiet nature gives me a sense of calm that I enjoy. It may seem like I like the man who is the life of the party… but it's just our charisma showing, don't mind us. I'm really checking for the dude in the back corner w/ the drink in his hand watching the party. I'm watching folks too and I wanna compare notes.
& yes, black folk are the only ones I know to use 'function' to describe social gatherings.
I'm pretty much the introvert that you describe. I stick to myself but when I'm social I'm social. I'm quiet if I'm in most group discussions because I'M LISTENING. God forbid I pay attention to what people are saying.
Introverted guys do get a bad rap though. Although I never really had trouble getting women but I am not overly upfront about things. I always end up with someone that was previously a friend on some level.
Funny that in your story old girl thought you thought you were better than people. I get that all the time. But seriously I am better than some people. I will debate circles around people at times if we are equally knowledgeable about the topic. My fiance hates that I like to debate. Hell I mainly do it to get understanding of people's viewpoints.
"I’m quiet if I’m in most group discussions because I’M LISTENING. God forbid I pay attention to what people are saying."
I feel you on this…lol. Me too
I laughed at this also. I'm extremely introverted and fresh in the dating game(too shy in highschool) and I like to tell myself that girls like a man who Listens. Can I get a witness on this from a females perspective?
<blockquote cite="comment-290221">
OldSchool:
I’m extremely introverted and fresh in the dating game(too shy in highschool) and I like to tell myself that girls like a man who Listens. Can I get a witness on this from a females perspective?
A man who listens is great; most women do want that. However, the level of introversion that a person can work with varies from one to another. Most of the guys I've dated are fairly reserved, but none was truly shy or extremely introverted. They just had preferences about when and where they opened up, and I didn't have to tear down walls to get them to be comfortable with me. My personal preference is someone who can be as much of a chameleon as me, but I'll settle for someone who's generally reserved, yet quite able to open up at a moment's notice or let loose (without necessarily doing or saying anything crazy).
Being shy is not a bad thing..but try not to let it cripple you in terms of your interaction with the opposite sex.
I am also an introvert. I have had so many people tell me i'm snooby, stuck up, blah blah blah…irritates me to the core. On the flipside I absolutely love going out but in small numbers in intimate settings. If there is a large group outting then I'm usually the one sitting back quietly observing and disecting people. I might not be the life of the party but I will have a good time and enjoy myself while out socializing.
I had to look at your name to make sure I didn't write this lol. This sounds like me.
Same here! Glad to know I'm not the only one who acts like that and gets that reaction/judgment from people.
I loved this post. I'm an introverted person and have had friends tell me how much they didn't like me because they thought I was stuck-up. I'm actually a fun person believe it or not. I can't help that when we're out somewhere I don't just walk up and start telling ppl my life story when I first meet them. Some of my friends also find it odd when I tell them I'm introverted. There's always those ppl who swear up and down that you are not that way. Honestly, you have not been me for the past 21 years, I think I know my personality. Guys will talk to an introverted chick, but I feel like they have to get a feel of her. Like is this girl really just quiet or is she really a b****?
Oh, I also like when ppl tell me "You're too pretty to be walking around looking mad." I'm NOT mad ppl! I just think I'd look like a straight fool walking around w/ a big ol' cheshire cat grin on my face.
THIS!!!! I am an introvert too and nothing angers me more than when people say that. Well maybe one thing does – when random strangers ask why I don't smile or tell me "it can't be that bad". I have yet to see the person who solo wanders the streets of Downtown Boston with a big arse grin. And if they did, people who look at them as they are…crazy.
dead at chesire cat smile. people would think you were crazy or were about to do something crazy…or that you were on something.
Yes! I hate when people tell me to smile when I'm just walking around! Do people really walk around with huge grins on their faces?!? When I was younger because people said I always looked mad I made an effort to have this semi smile, semi relaxed/regular face all time. But then I realized that I probably just looked crazy and didnt care that random people thought I looked mad (maybe the mad face would ward off the crazies from talking to me while I was out and about anyway lol)
^This. I get this all the time. As if walking around looking the Joker is a reasonable alternative to just minding your own and being alone with your thoughts no matter what your expression may happen to be.
I'm an introvert, but also a member of the IDGAF Tribe too so whoever hates it can definitely kick rocks.
Hmmm…Is it possible to be an introvert and extrovert? I really don’t understand the specific qualities or characteristics that make a person one or the other. There are times when I’m quiet, observant and inside my head. But there are also times when I’m a chatterbox with strangers, creating laughter in a room full of people and jumping on stage to do a half dozen rounds of karaoke. I just think it boils down to a specific situation and whether or not we want to accommodate our personality/mood to that specific moment. I sometimes get silent around my closest friends simply because I prefer to watch them interact with one another. I could join in on their conversation, but I choose not to because I’m enjoying my observations of them. However, those same friends know that I will jump on stage in front of hundreds of people to sing or do a dance routine. I understand the definitions of an introvert and extrovert from a scholarly, academic discussion because I studied aspects of it as an undergrad. But do these textbook definitions hold true and manifest itself in reality? Just wondering…
Being an introvert doesn't mean that you don't like people or like being involved in social situations. It has more to do with how you use energy and recharge your batteries.
I LOVE people…but I can only go out and be around random people once or twice a week. After that, I need solitude to recharge my batteries, and if I don't get it, I'll probably end up being in a really bad mood.
Extroverted people recharge their batteries by being around other people. For example… If I'm having a bad day, I just want to go home and watch TV or read by myself and reflect on my day. An extrovert could have a bad day, but they don't want to sit around and think about it by themselves. They would want to get a big group of friends together and go out and party ALL weekend long.
And… the most important misconception is that being an introvert does not equal being shy. There are a lot of outgoing introverts. Again, it really has more to do with how you use, conserve and recharge your energy.
I know a lot of people have already mentioned this, but…you should really read "The Introvert Advantage". Its a fascinating book. It will help you understand the differences between the two alot better.
Oh…Ok. Thank you for the clarification and book recommendation. Your explanation makes sense and I’ll check that book out.
It's possible to be both. I feel like I'm both sometimes. I'm "on" with others but even when I'm talking, I'm analyzing. I also have the ability to shut up and listen. I actually prefer observing others because I'm an analyzer. So yeah, you can be both. I don't talk to strangers either. lol
Yeah, it seems like I’m both too. My family and friends would definitely describe me as an extrovert, but I think I have tendencies to be both. I naturally have lots of energy and I can go days without retreating to a calm peaceful environment. I also cherish “me” time when my energy is low. I go to the nail salon, by myself, to get a pedicure because I find it more relaxing to go alone. I could invite my girlfriends, but it defeats the purpose of winding down and relaxing. I go shopping, by myself, because I don’t have the energy or patience to wait on my friends. I usually know what I want, so I’m in and out and on to my next errand. I guess extroverts have the upper hand because they have the ability and capability to be high and low. We’re like long distance runners…We can speed up or slow down as we please. Introverts have to slowly work hard to reach a high point. They’re like sprinters…They speed up and give it their all until they burn out at the end of the dash.
THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! Finally, someone who understands
I am the exact same way. I have an extremely introverted personality and I can be a bit timid depending on the situation. But for the most part when I am in social situations I am pretty social. Never the type to be loud or make a scene. I am also not the type to strike up a conversation but I try to always be cordial and acknowledge those around me. The world needs us introverts!!!!
I love your screename.
good post…
for a long time, i used to think i was an introvert, but nowadays…and especially with the post and the comments…i'm not too sure anymore…i might just be a shy extrovert.
but the key is recognizing who you are (whether intro and extro) and understanding that others may be the opposite of ya, so ya gotta cut 'em some slack sometimes.
I think the problem is that people often confuse those who are introverted w/ those who legitimately lack social skills. They confuse those who choose not to talk w/ those that lack the ability to do so. I am not introverted so I dont add much to how it feels to be bothered about being one. However, I usually dont ask if something is wrong unless you're over there brooding in the corning.
THIS.
i know introverts, and i know people who just generally are socially inept. it's painful to watch the latter out in public, and they usually are very opposed to being in any social setting, whereas a introvert would go and just be chill. awkward and chill are two very different things.
"I think the problem is that people often confuse those who are introverted w/ those who legitimately lack social skills. They confuse those who choose not to talk w/ those that lack the ability to do so."
*nods* Very true. A lot of times, it is because they've chosen to do so on their own volition (sometimes a ninja just want to retreat within himself/herself), not because they're some kind of awkward social inept mofo.
Yes! I have some friends who are always pouting or b*tching but say they're just an introvert. No honey, you just lack people skills. Two VERY different things.
I was going to talk about this too. I'm very attracted to introverts, in other words people who are quietly doing their own thing at parties (or who don't go to parties) and won't really come on to you at all. I'm that way too (so it is, in fact, pretty hard to get that introvert, but I've managed
). Now, my sister had a boyfriend once upon a time who really lacked social skills. He would pout every time he was out somewhere, except if his friends were around. He wasn't an introvert, he was just rude. There's a huge difference.
Hi all…I am usually a lurker and enjoy this site quite a lot. I read the comments and they are insightful sometimes.
So why this post?? This hit home for me the most though I would not consider myself an introvert. I would rather say I have introvert tendencies like most but cannot fully say I belong to that group. Maybe I am borderline introvert/extrovert. I am a very shy and quiet person around people that I do not know or in big social gatherings. I like to observe people and try understand them. It helps me position myself better. When engaged however I will participate fully (by that I mean very loud and will debate till I get my point across lol). It seems like I have this “get out of my face and you better know your story look” but it’s purely more that I am withdrawn by nature but would love to talk to people.
It annoys me because I love people but (let me note that to an extent though). I prefer small circles because intimate settings are more for me. I do have timeouts sessions where I do not want to be around people but that is only because I will be tired. I just need space. My friends and family find this weird. I am ok with who I am but just find it difficult when it comes to meeting people especially men. Its like they can never figure me out. I have men that like me from a distance but just wont approach me. In my head I am like talk to me, I promise I am fun, I like you too and am not a bitch..lol. I also have very few friends’ cause of this but I prefer that. I find that though this kind of personality is only better understood by people who are the same or who know you very well (and are willing to put up with it) otherwise it can drive some people up the wall.
I think you're an introvert and ain't nothing wrong with that. It's just a personality type of sorts. It's not a condition.
Goons, you and I are basically one in the same! Well except the fact that I consider myself a true introvert… I absolutely love what you wrote about meeting men, I promise you I be thinking the same in my head!
Being an introvert isn't necessarily an awkward or bad thing… At least for me it isn't!
I am an introvert. And I've experienced and still experience the same as you Slim. I'm not sure why. But I get the oh he's mean, stuck up, arrogant, funny style, etc. label. Or since he is quiet or not "out there" that he is meek, timid, etc. I can't tell how many women were surprised to see how I got down once they got to know me. I also get annoyed when people tell me to smile. I'm reserved until I get to know you. Just because a guy isn't "out there" and the life of the party doesn't mean he is arrogant or anti-social. I agree with you Slim, I think a lot of women miss out on a lot of guys because they aren't in your face and hyper aggressive onsite. I've also noticed this type of thinking prevails in Corporate America. You don't have to be correct or say anything worthwhile as long as you always have something to say and say it loud and assertive.
nah, you're arrogant and stuck up. lol *pleasantries*
I’ve also noticed this type of thinking prevails in Corporate America. You don’t have to be correct or say anything worthwhile as long as you always have something to say and say it loud and assertive.
YES! I don't understand this at all. I find that I take more note of the person who says little, when they do speak I know it's going to be meaningful and well thought out.
Yes this is very true. And stupid depending on the business. For instance if your business is computer programming…..I would much rather have introverts.
But the truth is you need both types.
And yes…extroverts speak even when they have no clue what they are talking about.
"You don’t have to be correct or say anything worthwhile as long as you always have something to say and say it loud and assertive."
This extrovert at my job yells "squirrel" randomly and they love it. And no she doesn't have Teret (sp?).
But I get the oh he’s mean, stuck up, arrogant, funny style,
and a botetc. label.The Corporate America bit is a good one. I had never thought of that.
" I can’t tell how many women were surprised to see how I got down once they got to know me."
I've noticed that the male introverts are the ones that really get down and dirty.
WatchutalmboutWillis….introvert men are s.exy. I don't like hyper-aggressive men. (and hyper-agressive people have nothing to do with being extroverted <— is that a word?) I like the quiet type, usually the opposite from me.
Long time reader…first time commenter.
Great post, Slim! I can totally relate to this one. I am also an introvert. People have this tendency to think that I'm mean or antisocial or timid because I'm not saying everything that pops in my head. I get so annoyed by "Smile" or "Loosen up" comments. Growing up, my tendency to want to be alone to recharge was annoying. Now I am at peace with this and find it a strength. I'm an attorney and I've run across a lot of extraverted people in my profession. They have this tendency to underestimate me because I'm not constantly talking. IMO, its made me a better advocate because I am more observant and speak when necessary and impactful. What folks don't understand is that just because you're talking doesn't mean you are saying anything.
When it comes to men, I like introverts. We have similar communication styles and I won't get the side eye if I don't want to go out every Saturday.
Welcome to the mix! Let's get together and read books!
Fellow introvert. Love the post. That picture pisses me off, too. Agree with everything you said. Thanks for writing this.
I really enjoyed this post. This is something that I've been battling for several weeks now. I was explaining to a classmate of mine that I was feeling myself withdrawing. I really couldn't explain to her what I meant. I am going to send her this!
I enjoy getting out there, doing things and being active but I seriously feel taxed when I'm finished. I think being by myself is the ONLY thing that helps. I don't lack social skills but I just have to be alone for a long time so that I can recharge and get my life back together. I spent several hours Friday night saying nothing at a family event because I was exhausted and had a long weekend ahead. I heard "Are you ok?" no less than five times. I'm fine if you just let me drink my nice beverage and get another… I wish the more extroverted folks would get that!
I've learned sometimes it's just better to not go out at all than be out and subjected to the questions because I'm not standing on the table going absolutely f*cking bonkers. That couch/tv recharge is where it be at sometimes.
Couchneesa is that bitch, you don't have to front…we know you luuuub her.
Couchneesha do be taking care of me. Sometimes I come home and there's fried chicken and a 40 waiting for me.
I so want to read this to the end and comment, but I just know I'll be setting myself up for a lot of bad stuff in the next 2 hours. I've only gotten to the "smile" part, and I have to say that I get that a lot because I often look focused (and sometimes unfriendly) when I'm out and about, but it actually makes me smile. So…..yeah, SMILE, dammit! I keed. Catch y'all in the PMs (no PMS).
I'm trying to figure out if I'm an introvert….I don't really know for sure..I mean, when I am out and about…I'm dancing and having a great time..but, I don't do that all that much…but, I enjoy my own company…I would say I am a loner..but, is that an introvert..because I can talk my azz off…and have alot of opinions I don't mind sharing….but, I am definitely not considered quiet…and I think, that is probably a leading quality of an introvert..right? I am going to go with introvert..because I know some definite extroverts…and I am the total opposite. I enjoy extroverts thought..they allow me to lay back in the cut and observe and let them be the life of the party…they feed off being the life…I don't….which is cool….I mean to each their own right?
Soooo…you are just YOU and that's okay.
We don't have to put ourselves into categories.
I like how you just talked it out in this comment.lol. When you need to energize, what do you typically do? Go out and tear up the scene or have "me (you)" time?
I like ME time…yeah, I'm an introvert. lol
Hmm, yeah, I'm conflicted. I'm a Leo so I do love to be the center of attention and will perform at will, but the writer in me gives me lots of introverted tendencies. When you take away the marketing aspect of it, writing is really a lonely exercise. And because I'm a daydreamer/thinker, when I've usually retracted underneath my shell, that's what I'm doing. Letting my imagination go to work. I often get the "what's wrong?" question when there is rarely anything wrong. My brain is just going to work. That last sentence can be taking another way. Do it what you will.
Excuse me while I go over here and stare into space…
hm. well. this is interesting.
from reading some of the comments posted above, i can't say that i'm an introvert to the extent of some other folks. i'd describe myself as an extroverted introvert. if given the choice between being at home writing, reading, netflixing, cuddling, etc… and going out to a party or event, i'd probably choose the former more often than not. in my day to day though, i strike up conversations with strangers all the time. i smile at pretty much everyone (unless i'm in my thoughts, in which case i literally don't notice anyone), which also causes people to talk to you and share life stories, and i like to crack jokes and generally don't become shy around people i don't know. in a crowded social event, i'm not necessarily the person jumping from group to group talking to everyone, but i will be social and talk to people i don't know.
i think there are levels of introversion. the extremes of the continuum are serial killer, and "i'm just chilling right now, damn." lol. and i mean, most serial killers ARE introverted, it's just a fact. lol. so i think it just comes down to whether a person is introverted so much where they are socially inept and unable to function in social settings, and whether they are just not on ten all the time like extroverted folks.
I am not an introvert. Sorry to surprise you guys with that. I don't think introverts are lame, but I will tell you one thing, watching them come out of their shell is hilarious. I have a chapter brother who was super introvert and for years we'd just keep telling him, "You can do everything else that everyone else does." One day, out of nowhere this guy just started buying into it and letting it go. It was so hilarious because people would be like, "He's so funny!" And I would say, yeah that's cause he's spent most of his life quiet in the corner.
I will say this about extroverts, they are very introverted about certain things. You have to really examine closely. They have a tendency to be illusionists. They bring your attention to one part of themselves to distract you from another.
CO-SIGN !
"I will say this about extroverts, they are very introverted about certain things. You have to really examine closely. They have a tendency to be illusionists. They bring your attention to one part of themselves to distract you from another."
Great point. One that I have observed from a corner no less than 60 times in life.
great points, Dr.
This article reminds me of one of a song that Marilyn Monroe recorded – "You'd Be Surprised"
I'm not sure what to describe myself but I think I lean more towards the introvert side. When I'm having a bad day, I just want to go home and be by myself. I don't like going up to people I don't know to spark up a conversation, but if someone says something to me I'm more than friendly.I guess that's why I can make friends just about anywhere with little or no effort.I don't really like to admit this but when I go somewhere by myself I like to find a comfortable spot and just stay there.
I find a lot of this to be weird because I have no problem hosting an event, I love doing presentations and public speaking, I love performing and I wouldn't mind doing karaoke knowing I can't sing. But when I'm around real extroverts I notice that I am not as outgoing as I thought.
I co-sign everything except the "I love performing" -part.
I still haven't figured out if I'm a charismatic introvert or if I'm an extrovert that just gets bored and annoyed with people too quickly. I actually said that to a woman this weekend when I was out having a few drinks. To be honest, I think everyone has varying degrees of both qualities in them.
That same Friday night, I pulled a guy who was sitting alone in the bar into an impromptu disco dance party (in a bar where no one really dances) with me, a friend of mine, and these three women that I started talking to while he was fending off a drunk chore of a woman. Earlier that evening, I was at dinner with friends and started flirting through a window with a lady that was sitting outside. I routinely get told by people that I'm one of the most extroverted people they know.
Maybe, however…
Saturday night, I was asked by three different people about going out, and turned them all down. I had nothing better going on. My night consisted of editing and uploading photos, watching Time Bandits, District 9, the entire first season of Important Things with Demetri Martin, and falling asleep in the middle of Spy Game. Hardly the most active evening I've ever had.
I say all this to say that people don't always just fit in one box or another. It's never quite that simple.
Introvert. extraverts don't have to answer that question, unless they're incredibly aware geniuses surround by idiots.
Two quick points:
Introversion and Extroversion fall along a continuum. (Not the space time continuum or the Q continuum ROFL)
If I remember right the scale goes to like 25. So if you are a 25 Extrovert you are like in everybody's face like Tupac. But if you are like a 3. You are in the middle. People might mistake you for and Introvert or Extrovert.
Also important to remember. In times of stress people become their opposite types. So Introverts become extroverted if you ufck with them. Extroverts get quiet if they are mad.
(I work in HR so I work with this stuff a lot.)
I am an Introvert. I like to date introverts but not really, really introverted people. I date people like people more extroverted than me….but not extroverts.
I like that you pointed out the continuum b/c it's important…
and LMAO at your dating reqs. I can see you know… Oh, she's an outgoing possibly an extrovert and then quickly being turned off like… nah, a bit too much. Nope.
Yep!! I work with MBTI types so much I can pretty much type anybody if I spend enough time with them. I avoid highly extroverted females because they are never really satisfied unless they are always out doing ish.
Highly introverted females sometimes bore me.
I like my women more extroverted than me but not too extroverted. LOL
I'm an introvert but I can break out of my shell when I'm relaxed in an environment. I never get "you're quiet" because in most social settings I'm usually roaming the room, looking around and talking with random folks. When I go out, I like to play the background alot. I have a buddy who is an extrovert, so naturally he is loud and likes attention on him…I usually don't. I prefer to be able to dip in and outof locations without anyone noticing me at times, not because I'm awkward around people, I just find a lot of people very draining. Call it my Pisces intuition where we just feel certain vibes a little more sensitively than others, but I need time away from the fray.
I'm not shy with the ladies though, which causes a lot of confusion. Although I can be very social and cordial with them, I often speak to them from my own space until I've felt them out over the phone or through an exchange of IM convos.
I don't think introverts are lame at all. My son is an introvert and the topic of my blog today as well. I think that more men are introverted than women, but that's just my 2 cents.
Good write Slim, I related to it big time.
I think introverted men may just be more noticeable than women. It's okay for chicks to be shy or not aggressively in the mix. I don't necessarily think that's as socially acceptable for dudes.
I've always said that women that wait for dudes to approach them end up with the same type of dudes all the time. This is the reason. Only certain personality types aggresively pursue women.
I think you were privy to the discussion I had on Twitter were I was
bitchingcomplaining with great passion about the girl who called me an introvert. Like most people probably would, I took it as an insult at first. However, once I read a little bit more about it, the general theory seemed to be that you are not either an introvert or an extrovert. Well, they’re not wholly independent anyway. The two fall on extreme ends of the scale, and most people fall in between.With that said, I guess I do fall closer to the introverted side of things even though I can be extroverted when necessary. Not gonna lie though. For the most part, people get on my nerves. Especially strangers. Fairly easily. For example, I don’t like going to forced social “functions” when I don’t feel like being socialable. I have to be in a certain kind of mood to want to socialize and have people ‘all up in my face.’ This was all I've ever known so I assumed it was normal – but apparently it is not. lol
And yeah, I do prefer to chill with me, myself, and I 9 times out of 10 over chilling with anybody and everybody. This has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. Soon I’ll probably tire of chilling with myself too.
I shouldve just cosigned this comment before I commented.
"I have to be in a certain kind of mood to want to socialize and have people ‘all up in my face.’ This was all I’ve ever known so I assumed it was normal – but apparently it is not. lol"
I'm still gonna assume this is normal. lol
"The two fall on extreme ends of the scale, and most people fall in between."
This pretty much sums up my thoughts for this post. Most people have qualities of both. I'm enjoy being around friends but I love chillin by myself on a Sunday. I don't like people up in my face all the time.
Their is nothing lame about introverts.
If you didn't have introverts and extroverts in this world nothing would get done. That's why God put us both here.
I have never considered myself an introvert until I think you called me/asked me if I was one, Slim! LOL
I have always been very outgoing and talkative but I think as I've gotten older I've become more reserved and play the background. Like L Boogie said I'm slow to warm up to people but once I do, I'm out there. But I'm also admittedly moody so I do play both sides depending on how I'm feeling. I really don't know what to think about it, I have dated introverted men and extroverted men. I don't think I have a preference either way but I did read that article on Essence from Paul Carrick Brunson and it made me wonder about all the guys that don't approach women at all because of that trait.
Yeah, I was gonna link to that article Paul wrote…but then I forgot. Boo to me. I don't remember calling you one. i think you volunteered that info to me.lol.
naw you used that word. I just said I don't like people all the time. lol *sticks out tongue*
my name is tunde and i'm an extrovert.
You and 99.2% of the bruhz.
this is true. after this gchat conversation i now claim introversion as well. *shrug*
Introvert… yep, that's me. And throughout life, I've been called a snob, stuck-up, and another word starting with the second letter of the alphabet and ending in itch. smh. All because I choose to be quiet, and watch you. And listen. People have no idea what they tell about themselves through the topic of conversation, and how they choose to speak about that topic.
In the last year or so, I've come more out of my shell, so I'll be the first to hit the dance floor while my girls are still lurking. I take initiative to speak to men when I'm out and about. Granted, this is all after I've scoped the scene, decided where in the spot the cuties are hiding, and then make a calculated move. lol. So, maybe I'm not introverted, I'm just calculating…
"I am also an introvert. I have had so many people tell me i’m snooby, stuck up, blah blah blah…irritates me to the core. On the flipside I absolutely love going out but in small numbers in intimate settings. If there is a large group outting then I’m usually the one sitting back quietly observing and disecting people. I might not be the life of the party but I will have a good time and enjoy myself while out socializing"
*NodsHead* This is me right here, until vodka starts flowing thru my veins
*NodsHead* This is me right here, until vodka starts flowing thru my veins
Oh word, so you're a liquid extrovert to eh?
It's a good balance. o:)
Yall do realize Obama is most likely an introvert.
I think I'm actually an introvert. I just happen to know how to work a room. I must say it does get tiring at times and I don't feel like being around people or talking to anyone. Sometimes it gives people an innacurate perception of you. I got a couple of close homies that are kinda the same but I don't really see it affect them from a social standpoint. If anything we gas each other up to be social. And lord forbid you get us all together. EVERYBODY is a fool and we tend to feed off of each other quite well.
All ya'll introverts…a question:
The dining hall comment made me wonder…when dating an extrovert how much of an issue has this been? I totally like to be around people, I was definitely one of the gaggle of Amici girls that poured into brunch right before closing time as a huge group. I could definitely do one on one with my dude and can see how eating with a big group of
loudgirls after a night on the town is not what he had in mind, but if he preferred to eat by himself over with just me I can see that hurting my feelers…I mean whether you are an introvert or extrovert you have to know your limits and speak up for yourself.
I will date an extrovert but not an extreme extrovert. I don't believe in opposites attract. It's a stupid theory.
Its cool until they start dragging you around a bunch of people you don't know or don't really have anything in common with and expect you to be all social. "Don't trust them new n*ggas over theeeerrrreee!!!"
I consider myself an introvert and I've dated a few extroverts, its never been much of a problem. When he wants to do something extra extrovert-ish then I let him go on his own and consider that part of his personal time that people need in relationships.
As a Myers-Briggs INTJ, I know how introverts get a bad rap. I'm not exactly sure how introvert = anti-social, but a lot of people equate the two. Introvert doesn't mean boring, unable to communicate, unfriendly, etc., it just means that you keep to yourself often.
I socialize just fine, but I'm very rarely the life of the party. I'm usually listening and absorbing what others are saying, and I don't feel like I need to dominate the conversation. Sometimes, especially with women, people are taken aback how engaging I am when I'm in one-on-one conversations versus in a group, because I'm much more talkative. But that's simply because when it's just two people talking, obviously I have to talk more, or there wouldn't be a conversation. I get the stuck-up thing all the time (to a small degree, it may be true), but it's more because I don't feel like I need to be or care to be the center of attention.
I am an INTJ…….otherwise known as "The Genius Type"
I'm not surprised by that at all. Based on interactions here, I'd be willing to bet DeKeLa and MeteorMan would test INTJ too.
I'm an ISFJ. The Myers-Briggs is a good test. The detailed description that it gives is really accurate (for me at least). I suggest people take it.
I had to take it immediately after the interview for my current job, and I'm (supposedly) an INFJ. I've read various extended descriptions, though, and I can't say that it quite captures the essence of my personality.
Your definitions of introvert/extrovert are spot on. People rarely have it right as I always hear people say that introverts are shy and extroverts are talkative which is not true. It's a simple way of saying when you are in your peak (alone vs not alone). I can't tell another person whether they are an extrovert or introvert because only they know when they are in their peak. Basically, you can't label this trait off of actions because it is an internal thing. An introvert may do well with others but are their BEST when alone, etc. For example, I'm an over analyzer and I do best thinking when alone. Even though my thoughts are at my best when alone, I can't label myself an introvert because my energy level is at its highest around others as I love being around people. That's my peak.
Introverts do get a bad rep as mean, not liking others, etc. It's all perception. I'm an extrovert and an alpha so naturally I would think introverts to not be a good thing but that's not true. While my energy may be at it's highest around others, that introvert may notice more than I do because they're more focused. Now that I think about it, I typically date introverts. I dunno, I'm rambling but hopefully I'm getting my point across.
As far as the breakfast, I did notice you were a bit "reserved". I had a few people ask me what you were like but I couldn't say you were shy because you weren't. You were talkative. I just used the words "laid back and reserved" because you weren't energized like many others. I don't think that's a bad thing either. It adds to your mystery and the fairly guiet guy at the table seems to get more noticed which is why women may ask you to speak or smile more. Consider it a good thing.
Btw, I hate that "why don't you smile" sh*t too.
Laid back and reserved will be the default go-to moving forward when asked for a brief description of how I am at social gatherings.
You make good points about the peak and introverted folks being observant and focused. I kinda wish I was one of those people that could read facial cues and detect lies and deceit from the twitch of a muscle. I'd make a lot more money.
When ever I am in a meeting I spend a lot of time reading body language and facial expressions. It's amazing….I can tell who is thinking STFU or This is BS. Body language is more honest than oral communications.
I love reading body language ESPECIALLY during meetings.
I am also a *PISCES* introvert! Most of the main points and feelings re: being a complex introvert have been made already so I won't repeat them, just know that they are cosigned. I moonlight as a bartender, and I have to say that it is one of the most draining jobs I have ever had. I have had SO's truly not understand why after a 7 hour shift I just want to go home, have a glass of wine and catch up on my shows. I have many of my friends who look at me crazy when I explain that I am an introvert, because of that job. Men have told me, you seem like a player, look at how friendly you are with the guys, blah blah. People tend to forget that like any other job, you have to put yur game face on and get the job done. Oh well, gotta school them on the way of te introverts, one person at a time. Great post!
Pisces Introvert eh? We gonna f*ck around and have the same birthday.
Oh snap! March 2nd..right in the middle! True true *PISCES*!!! (Don't mind me, I'm a little obsessed with being a *PISCES*) lol
Nice. I think its safe to say that introverts arent necessarily quiet and shy people…many folks get that confused.
I consider myself an introvert. I find any opportunity to spend time alone even if its just 5 minutes, but then I look forward to hanging with friends and social gatherings…(FYI Slim, I use "gathering" all the time as oppose to "function" LOL.)
Awesome post.
Not trying to be a dyck here, but you know how you guys are always saying that you wish women would approach you more, particularly you introverted guys? Perhaps, just perhaps the whole "give me a smile" or "it can't be that bad" is just an attempt to break the ice, get a smile, start a conversation…maybe? Perhaps? Just a thought…
It's a good point. Sustained.lol
are you too introverted to notice when a woman is trying to hit on you? #justaninnocentquestion
Well it's like Meteor Man said….just cause you flirt with an introvert…it doesn't mean he is going to instantly transform into and extrovert on the spot. It takes more than a smile. You may really have to be the agressive one to draw the person out.
This is gray area since people hit on people in introverted and extroverted ways. One woman that smiling in the corner and the other lady that's jumping in my conversation on the slick… Who I notice or take interest in is a toss up. But in a crowed room, I might not see the lady smiling in the corner.
Besides, I'm just not paying attention to everyone to see if they're staring me down.
And the same question can be posed in return. Doesn't your question ask a person to venture outside their comfort zone? What is the drive for requiring a guy to approach a woman? It seems the like on dating realm, initial shyness/introversion is an act. While in the case of an introverted person, it's a feature of who they are. So the motivations and how to over come the "who does what first," is totally different. You can't just swap it out…
agreed! well said.
I'd posit that being approached by a stranger is almost always taking someone out of their comfort zone. No matter how introverted or extroverted they are, but it's necessary to meet/date new people. So yeah, it may make the person a bit uncomfortable and after reading something like this that aggressor may want to consider another approach – but the introvert can also get a takeaway from this discussion that we may just be flirting with you…
I'm not a shy person, but when around new people, I'm not all I can be…I'ma need to feel out my surroundings, that's not an "act" that's me finding my footing. When I'm first approached by a new man, I'm much more reserved than I am after I know him. Again, not an act, just a matter of getting to know someone. Some of us get to know folks sooner than others. My brother in law took three years to be himself around me
granted seeing him naked set us back about a yearand some folks wanna name their children after me after a 30 minute conversation. Different strokes n all…And who does the courting is irrelevant to me in this situation, both men and woman are complaining about the "smile" line – all I was saying is that if you're approached by a possible suitor inquiring about your mood, it's possible he/she just wants to be the catalyst for improving it, which may or may not start with or result in a smile…
Don't get me wrong. I'm not making excuses for introverts. I dare say that every time, a woman that I don't know, sends a mental signal to me across the room, I miss it. That's nether here nor there, just like their existence to me.
A man can be an extra extrovert and still have an anxiety about approaching women or women approaching him. The point is that we're talking about different causes for the same set of actions: a guy wanting women to approach. He could be lazy, an introvert (in undesired conditions), have an anxiety about approaching women, near sighted with no corrective lens, etc… The introverts will approach you IF the conditions are how they want them to be. Their "comfort zone" isn't synonymous with being alone or abhorring social activities. All adults are aware of what flirting kinda looks like. There's a term for those how aren't receptive to advances: not interested.
"I’d posit that being approached by a stranger is almost always taking someone out of their comfort zone. "
That's my thought as well. I'm an extrovert like Star but I don't approach strangers…like at all. Dating is an act. If you want something, you perform the necessary actions. If you don't, then you don't. I'm just not sure how that relates to a personality type. Maybe I'm confused. Someone here said (can't remember who) that some introverts lack social skills and blame the "introvert personality" type which is far from it. Like Slim said, it's just an energy level. Being an introvert doesn't allow you to miss the woman who is clearly flirting with you. It doesn't take away your perception. That trait may be unrelated to being an introvert. I forgot my point. Nevermind. lol
Eh, I don't claim to label myself as one or the other, really, in general. In specific situations and/or circumstances I can act introverted or extraverted. I suppose it more or less depends on how I am feeling at that particular event/function or that day, etc etc….I believe I am pretty socialable when out and about and in small settings when I want to be. I do like to hang back and observe from time to time, too. Also, I think people may judge your personality based on relativity. In other words if I am hanging with one of my boys and we are out and he is over the top extravert, loud, demands to be the "life of the party", then it may come across that I am being introverted just based on comparison, although I am really acting no different then normal.
Greetings,
I am an introvert working in HR. This topic fascinates me because I am currently in grad school studying HR and of course we've studied whether or not introverts can exist in HR. This year I've asked myself whether or not this is what I really want to do. And I've come to the conclusion that yes, this is where I'd like to be. Although I like my me time, I also love interacting with employees. It's more about finding a balance. Employees are not constantly in my face. When I do interact with them, it gives me so much joy to know that I've helped them in some way. My struggle comes from sitting in staff meetings and feeling as though I have to say something, when I really don't have anything to add. I speak up when I have something to say. I don't want or won't allow my introvertness (clearly not a word) to hinder my growth within the field of HR. I'll definitely purchase the book that was mentioned up thread.
Thank you for sharing, Slim.
I get offended when people say you have to be a people person to work in HR. It really depends on what you do. I work in training. So about 70% of what I do is project management. But my boss always says you have to be a people person which is not true. The only time we deal with people is during training. Planning the training is what we spend most of our time doing.
Regardless of type, introvert or extrovert, it is discrimination if you don't think people can do a job because of their type.
Anybody can fake a type for 8 hours. I fool people all of the time into thinking I am an extrovert.
Glad you found this helpful! I might cop that book myself.
@il Duce
You're 100% right.
LOL @ Starita! smh. *goes back to pretend working*
I didn't read all the comments, but I will say that in training seminars, I did this test. It was based off surveyed questions and put you into one of 4 colors to show your true personality and how you interact with other personalities. It was pretty cool and spot-on! Wonder if anyone else did this?
Good Post
Yeah. It's based on the MBTI. Same thing really but easier to understand. MBTI uses too many terms and is hard to remember. The color test just boils it down to four types I think. MBTI is 16.
Yeah I did something similar. Couldn't remember the name. Thansk!
"Maybe it’s being saved for your spine."
Hmmm….I keep seeing people saying that they're told to smile by several people. I tend to get that too which is odd considering how much time I spend laughing (and yes, i'm laughing AT you). I guess my neutral face looks "meanacing"???
ENTJ on Mine(s) lol
Check this quick personality test out and see what you rank!
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
What a shock, I'm "The Caretaker"…
I'm an ENFJ which is a teacher/leader. But then it says this: "They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills"
da fcuk? That's spot on. lol
I knew you were a Feeler
I'm sensible too dammit! Eff you…love you…eff you.
Me too. Wild…
>:0[ I used to think this test was rigged, but even after all these years I'm still an INTJ. Not sure if that's good, bad or if I win points for just being consistant. And FWIW, I'm a HUGE introvert. Just going out to the event in DC was a big deal for me. But oddly enough, I'll go to concerts and other venues where I know absolutely no one and strike up conversations with people.
:0|
Yes, your disappearing act was noted Houdini. :-/
I wasn't going to say anything, but YOU of all people kinda let me down IRL. You and I joke around all the time here, on Twitter and on FB, even virtual dominoes. [and yes folks she's a cheater!!!!] But at VSB I got the sense I was getting the frosty shoulder treatment.
Maybe it was misinterpreted but since we're sharing and sh*t……
Say what you will, I NEVER cheat! My bones game is just that nice!
Aww, I'm sorry you got that feeling Eddie. I assure you it was unintentional…I guess I was waiting for you to approach me. I'm glad you said something… *takes it off line*
I got ESFJ. The Provider. hmmm
I've been reading for a while and had to comment on this one. I've always been an introvert fir as long as I can remember. I think I have heard all the misconceptions, arrogant, standoffish, mean, etc. (not that i give a big shiny f@&k). I think of myself as more of an observer than anything else. I am a firm believer watching body language and how people interact with one another. I believe it allows you to pick who you want to interact with and how you choose to go about it.
I can also agree with the part about women not being as receptive to the introverted guy. I mean, you can't be in the cut posted like Pat Ewing and hope that a woman will notice you. But you also can't be all in her face either even though that seems to be what work these days(cue Gatorade commercial). Ladies, you don't have to all out holla to let him know you're interested, but be a part of your own rescue,IJS. You never know….you too could be the next to say the phrase"Damn, I didn't think was gonna be like that".
Great post
My name is Adonis & I am an Introvert… And I Think Introverts Are Lame…
Thank You…
I would say I'm an introvert when you first meet me or when I'm not around people I don't know like that. But once you get to know me, WOW you'd wish I was one lol. I love to talk, I'm loud but but not lousy or obnoxious nd surely not shy lol. I'm pretty great if you ask me or after you get to know me.
I would say I'm an introvert when you first meet me or when I'm not around people I don't know like that. But once you get to know me, WOW you'd wish I was one lol. I love to talk, I'm loud but but not lousy or obnoxious nd surely not shy lol. I'm pretty great if you ask me or after you get to know me. And yeah, people take my silentness as being full with pride and stuck upish but its not lol! Although, I've been told I act stuck up and have pride don't mean I'm not an outgoing person who like to have fun and just cause when I meet you I smile slightly doesn't mean I'm not genuinely happy to meet you!
Loved this post. I too am an introvert and while I do love to socialize sometimes, it can be physically draining to me and I have to go be alone to recharge.
Anyway this post is so timely because recently a lightbulb came on for me that it's possible that
the reason I haven't met a lot of compatible
guys could be that I've been ignoring the
introverts. Most of the guys I've dated have been much more extroverted than me…probably because extroverts are more likely to approach.
I made a promise to myself that id start paying
more attention to the guys who were not striving
to be the life of the party. I might even make it easy for them and actually start conversations since I know they're introverted and if they're like me sometimes they might require a little encouragement to enter a conversation.
"That’s another thing. I never understood how someone could argue with me about how I’m describing myself."
That right there? Pisses me the hell off. I can't tell you how many conversations I've cut short because some fool feels like playing Psychologist, trying to tell me about myself and ish. If anything, I'm the one with that degree, so fall back.
"What are your thoughts on introverts? Have you been pleasantly surprised or traditionally disappointed? And to my introverts out there, this is your chance to debunk a few myths of your own."
Well, what can I say? Most people who've been around me for any significant length of time would laugh in your face if you were to tell them that I'm an introvert, and yet I spend at least 90% of my personal time alone (relationship periods excluded). I had my condo to myself in my last year of University, and while it would've been the hot spot at the hands of some other people, I hosted a total of one pot luck dinner and my guestlist was limited to 10. People take to, and feel comfortable confiding in me relatively quickly, but I usually deal with my issues solo unless someone happens to engage me in conversation and the subject comes up. I amuse myself to no end. I've gone for days on end without speaking to a single soul. That said, I'm not loud and obnoxious, but I'm no stranger to being the so-called life of the party. If you do get me out, I tend to make the best of the situation. Dance floor empty but they're playing my (Nigerian) jams? I wish a DJ would dare me; I'm there in a heartbeat. I love performing (dancing) centre stage. I may look intimidating when going about my business, but take the time to speak to me and I'll probably flash you a big smile. There was a time when I was somewhat shy, but certain people along the line have brought out bits of my crazy. My friend recently had a going-away party, and I was asked if I'd known some dude I met that same night since High school simply because I was teasing him mercilessly and we got on fabulously. Nonetheless, there are few people whom I can stand to be around on a regular basis. I've scaled back on certain friendships because I was expected to be in too many places too often. I can opt to be reserved and observant when in a social setting, particularly if I'm not feeling it. Yada, yada, yada.
I've often claimed to be the most extroverted introvert I know, but bun a categorization. I'm simply me…and I confuse the hell out of people sometimes. Like someone said, the most important thing is to realize that we all fall somewhere along a continuum; these classifications don't exist in a vacuum.
"I had my condo to myself in my last year of University, and while it would’ve been the hot spot at the hands of some other people, I hosted a total of one pot luck dinner and my guestlist was limited to 10."
Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm pretty sure that's what I would have done.
I had the most random dream last night, and you were involved. I really need to cut back on my SBM consumption. Um.. Ima throw a Pause right there, too.
Was I standing in a corner quietly and looking awkward? lol
lol Not even close. Someday, I'll share the contents of that dream with you and you may quite possibly be as amused as I was this morning after waking up, and still am right now.
Hmm I commented earlier but it didn't go through. Anyway I love this post. I think I've gone from extremely introvert to semi-introvert in the last ten years. I used to not go to parties so that I wouldn't have to talk to people I didn't know. I was often described as "shy", though my friends would roll their eyes at that… But I'd known most of them since I was 9 years old so they don't count. Until I was 21 any friends I made were friends of my sister's first, and I met them when I was in her company, and when she's around I'm myself (aka hilarious
). After that I moved to another country and had to get friends on my own, and it took me 3 years to find my own way, and now it seems I find friends everywhere I go despite not being the loudest person in a party. It's a growing process, too. Some people become more extroverted when they get older, others get more introverted.
I saw a few comments from you go through earlier. I'ma have to check through moderation and see if any got missed.
Thanks!
This post hits home for me. I've been told a plethora of times that I come off as a bitch or stuck up when people first meet me because I'm not incredibly talkative. And then these people get to know me and realize that I'm good peoples. I'm usually shy and a little anxious when I'm around new faces and in an unfamiliar environment. I also tend to analyze and am always in my head thinking about countless other things. I dislike being the center of attention and usually keep to my group. If I'm having a tough day, the last thing I want to do is be surrounded by people. I need to make myself a good meal, have a glass (or few) of wine, play some video games, and/or watch the Lakers get in some ass.
Like someone previous wrote, I too need to be in the mood to go out. But when I'm ready to party, I party (I just turned 22 and I'm still in that get ridiculously shit faced with your friends stage). I personally cannot stand the person in the group who has coochie face all night because they were "forced" to go out and are in a shitty mood.
I guess I'm introverted by nature, extroverted if necessary.
Well, I just don't know. I'm just an introvert who can adapt to many situations, and please don't mistake that with compromise. But seemingly, in terms of women, my women friends have actually voiced out what the rest of the female species feel about my silent personality. Apparently they think I'm interesting but too scared to approach me as they think I'm a heartbreaker… I don't know where that comes from but I do have a defensive mechanism when it comes to emotions.
I am in agreeance with this completely. I am an introvert, but the females that have spent the time to get to know me, all end up falling in love. I don't need to go out all the time or be the main attraction at a party to have a great time, but neither am I the boring guy that people expect introverts to be.
The best thing about being an introvert…..surprising people when they see who you are.
Do not confuse "Social Ineptness" for "Introversion"
Most extroverts, might be socially inept for sometime, until they get used to the area, or are exposed more to social life.
While
Introverts never really get used to being social, and outgoing/ aggressive in the social circles. They might do that only if their life depends on it; but WE (myself included) never really wanna meet too many people. Neither do I care about social activities as such.
Thank God for Business School, I'v learnt the skills to deal with social ineptness, only if the organization(s) would be very beneficial on my resume. Or else, I spend my weekend nights reading science blogs, SBM, VSB, or some Harvard Business Review book, Bloomberg, or watch cartoons.
This is a pretty interesting topic. I used to struggle with this issue up until my mid-twenties. I was actually at the brunch in DC and it reminded me of when I was back in college sitting at the dining room table in my own introverted world, while everyone seemed to be engaged in the conversation. But this time around I did not feel awkward at all. I actually had a lot of fun. I guess I have learned to maneuver a little bit better in this extroverted world. As someone posted earlier I know what I am introverted about. If it is a topic I know about I will definitely chime in. Second, I learned how go with the flow until I am drained/over stimulated. Notice me looking at the door or my watch or my door when my tank is on empty. Third I learned how to ask plenty of open-ended questions. Questions seem to always lead the conversation to where I can chime in. I agree with Slim that those comments that reference my not smiling, quietness, etc. used to irk me now I just simply ignore them or play it cool.
If the question comes from a lady as an introverted guy if I am not too drained I take it as an invitation for conversation and let the macking proceed, lol.
Glad you came through to the brunch and (sounds like) you had a good time!
I'm glad to know who you are! I saw you, asked about you, and definitely wondered, but I guess I wasn't comfortable enough to just introduce myself (what the hell kinda extrovert am I?). Nice to e-meet ya Rob.
Introverts unite!…quietly. lol. Hello my SBM peoples! I know Im 2000 and late in commenting, but Im sure you will forgive a fellow introvert who was just reading and observing the e-convo
.
"…someone mentioned that I was quiet. This happens a lot even though I could have been conversing with people around me for hours". <– This is said to me allll the time. Including 'are you okay?', 'why are you so quiet?' 'you cant get a mna by being so quiet'. It is so tiring to hear this.Some people that get to know me better tells me that when they met me they thought I was mean or thought that I thought I was better than everyone…because I didnt say much o_O. I am often described as “shy". Hell, I even describe myself as that.
I know I can be a little quiet when I go to events, especially if I do not know anyone there. It takes me a while to warm up to talking and such. Im trying to be better! I will definitely try it out the next time there is an SMB event in the DC Metro area
PS: Im on twitter (since the end of Jan '11)! My friends finally convinced me to join. Unfortunately, the name 'QuietStorm' was already taken so I made up another name. Go figure. I will be tweeting and retweeting you guys! (not on some stalker ish though)
PPS: Wow, I think this is the most I wrote on this site. lol
Appreciate you chiming in even if it's a few days later. A comment is better than no comment.lol. Look forward to seeing you around these parts more often.
what is your twitter name
Right. It would have been helpful if I supplied it earlier. Woops
Its: @JamericanDolly
Slimuel,
As a doctor of psychology, my doctoral dissertation was completed under Dr. Philip Zimbardo (Stanford Univ) who is the pioneer of shyness research. As time went by from completing my degree, I wanted to work in corporate in order to coach introverts. With the unique characteristics introverts have, about 70% of CEOs & others executives from Fortune 500 companies who consider themselves as introverted.
The interesting thing about "Quiet Leaders" or "Leading Quietly", is the fact (1) During these last few years of hard economic times, introverted leaders made 15% higher prodits than extroverted leaders. (2) 10-15% of introverts are motivated speakers. & (3) 10-15% of introverts are in sales meeting closer to 100% of their quotas than their extroverted counterparts.
From my perspective, the daily retreats we have as introverts to regain our own energy is healthy. There's a taoist quote "High rests on the low" in regards to how extroverts and introverts always coexist with each other. Without the social gatherings we wouldnt be able to be observant and develop ideas? There'd be absoultely nothing for us to grasp if there weren't the extroverted scenarios and situational settings for us to extract from.
There are countless categories that expand from the world of introversion to be placed in. I, myself, are one who can reside in the middle of 500 people, and be within the greatest comfort zone. Reason being: the attention is divided. No one notices me, as if I'm invisible. I love that notion. The muses begin to flow in my mind as I absorb and view others body postures, emotions and activities.
Great blog by the way.
–Free