How Being Tactful Helps and Hinders Life

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1. Pause 2. Fine. I'll be that.

There’s more to being a Single Black Male than having a one night stand on Saturday and getting dropped off before the random shorty heads to church on Sunday morning. It’s a lifestyle (not to be confused with the eventually defunct condom). Like the rest of us, I work 5 days a week, run random errands during the day, struggle to stick to my gym regimen, and sometimes find myself in less than savory interaction with men and women that quite frankly just annoy the sh*t out of me. But often times in my saltiest moments, I remain tactful. It’s a gift and a curse. And with that said (typed), I wanted to take today to highlight a few examples of how my tact has helped and harmed me in daily life:

Gift: It’s Helped Me Keep My Job

Demanding Brawd: Slim, I need you to make 30 changes to this document in the next half hour. Thanks.
What I Think: Are you out of your mind? Since when did the title in my signature change to DB’s Office B*tch? Ya high maintenance flatbutt.
What I say: I want to make sure we manage expectations on this. I can try to have this done by the end of the day or early tomorrow.

DB: Well, it shouldn’t take you that long. We really need this done now.
What I think: Get the f*ck away from my desk. I asked you for your favorite food for the employee spotlight and it took you a week to reply. Like I don’t see you spending half the day playing Snood.
What I say: Given the number of changes you’re asking for, that’s just not possible. I have some other things on my to-do list that are time sensitive as well.

DB: Actually, it’s 35 changes.
What I Think: Die
What I Say: Okay, I’ll aim to have this to you tomorrow by noon.*smile*

Curse: I Miss My Post Deadline

Bad One: How come you never ask me about my day?
What I think: I wish you would go back to Brooklyn. Because I don’t care and this isn’t monogamous.
What I say: Sometimes I just get caught up in the mix with all that’s going on. How was it?

Bad One: Oh, you wouldn’t believe what happened with Ronsheeda. Blahblahblahblahblahblah
What I think: I really can’t have you around when I’m writing. I’m never gonna get this sh*t done.
What I say: Baby, I gotta finish this post.
**Midnight hits and I send an angry email with subject “Why is your post not on the site?” to myself and proceed to self-reprimand**

Gift & Curse: It Can Get or Cost Me Bunz

**5’8 cute chick is hanging out and drinking with me and the fellas**
What I think: Girl, you look like you taste like a smoothie. Let me drop the banana in there too.
What I say: You lookin’ fierce.
Chick: Thanks *giggles*
My boy: You looking right girl. Let’s be out back to the crib.
Chick: **Giggles then gets her coat**
What I think: F*cking damn it. Not again.
What I say: F*cking damn it. Not again.

So these are just a few examples of how being tactful has impacted my life for the better or for the loss. How much value do you place on being tactful? What’s your filter setting? Do you have examples of conversation snippets where you’re thinking one thing and say something much more sugary for the win or loss? Let’s have fun with this one today…even those who comment Tuesday through Friday and have nothing to say on Mondays. I see you.

What? You don’t think bloggers notice this?

I need to change my filter settings,

P.S. Remember to vote for us in the Black Weblog Awards. The nomination period opens today (18th)! Suggested categories to vote for us in are Best Group Blog, Best Sex and Relationship Blog, Best Lifestyle Blog, and Blog of the Year.

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  • http://headedintherightdirection.blogspot.com Riley

    This post made me laugh out loud so many times..

    I have to think about my tact conversations but I think I can come up with a few.

  • NaijaSweetz

    Oh, so that's what you're up to when the posts don't drop at midnight on the dot. Aight, I see you playa.

    How much value do you place on being tactful? What’s your filter setting? Do you have examples of conversation snippets where you’re thinking one thing and say something much more sugary for the win or loss?.

    I place 100% value on being tactful. I spare people's feelings all the time because there's simply no reason to be a witch about every little thing. It makes my workplace environment more bearable because instead of immediately launching a verbal and physical assault on venting at a manager who ticks me off every now and again, I take her aside and calmly let her know how I feel about whatever it is. She really appreciates this, apologizes whenever she's in the wrong, and we actually have a great working relationship. When dealing with guys, though, it can be much more of a hassle.

    Buggaboo: I like you. Why can't you just give me a chance? I'm a good man..we'd be good together. /whine

    In Head: Because you're annoying, unreliable, immature, think you're some kind of G (but would probably let me walk all over you); we have zero chemistry… Got awhile? The list is kind of extensive.

    What I actually say: I dunno, I'm not really feeling to start anything with anyone right now. *tries to change the subject*

    I'm kinda lazy, but picture a couple more conversations with the same request followed by a couple of "Bloody hell"s in my head. #losing. Ok, so that's more avoidance than tact, but I've gotten bolder overtime and managed to tell some people tactfully that I have no interest..and that sometimes that gets you nowhere. Always trying to break you down and ish. I have a lot of situations where tact comes into play (especially when I'm "respectfully disagreeing" with some idiot person's opinion), but no particularly amusing ones come to mind at the moment.

    • Starita34

      Good example with men…it's tough walking the line between giving the wrong signals and straight being a bitch. Some seem to take, "no thanks" and "not interested" to mean "try harder" and you sure don't wanna clown a guy, but sometimes you have to be blunt for them to get the point. It's hard to shake some dudes, unless you actually like them of course, and then as Murphy would have it, they are the ones that never call. #Whomps

      Further proof that men like a bitch challenge.

      • CAM

        I completely agree. Aint that shit bouta bitch though.

      • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

        Give me a b*tch over that tact sh*t

    • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slimuel L. Jackson

      I haven't seen or heard the term bugaboo in some time.lol. It brings me back to a time in my life where I had much less responsibility and it was okay to ask the parents for money.

    • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Girl yes. The finess with men is a tricky one. It took me a few years to learn how to deal with them. I find that it's just better to lie and let them down slowly. I'm a big fan of the "it's not you, it's me" scenario where I paint myself as the one who's not ready, etc. It's easier this way.

      • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

        iCant with that lying sh*t that women do, however I understand why they do it because of the men that approach them

        This will be the same women who get tight when a man plays games with them after they hit & don't wanna give them a relationship…

        I say carry a tazer or some pepper spray & tell the truth…

  • tellylonglegs

    This post had me cracking up.

    "Get the f*ck away from my desk. I asked you for your favorite food for the employee spotlight and it took you a week to reply"<~ iDied

    Scenario:

    Co-worker: Hey, I know its Thursday (and I knew about this for about a month now) but we need you to coordinate 10 of these (impossible) events for next week.

    In my head: Bish, how many times do I have to tell you it takes at least three effing weeks to do this? I'll try but it ain't going to happen.

    What I do say: *smile* Although this usually takes three weeks, I'll do my best to get it done.

  • https://profiles.google.com/u/0/primo.supremo.06/about?tab=mh PrimoSupremo

    "Girl, you look like you taste like a smoothie. Let me drop the banana in there too."

    Classic! HAHAHA

  • http://www.twitter.com/drrdb TWIsM81

    Slim,

    Thank you for posting on the proper use of tact. I love the "I'm just keepin' it real" people. Naw, ninja, you just find new, embarrassing (though often entertaining) ways of staying unemployed. There's always a ratchety way to answer someone when they come at your the wrong way, but being tactful is always the better maneuver.

    Now if you'll excuse me, I have to forward this to some play cousins that need to read this. I'm lying, those ninjas can't read

    • Starita34

      http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/04/18/the-pow

      5 likes already? Alright, this TWIsM lovin' is gettin a little re-got-damn-diculous!

      How's that for tact? ;-)

    • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

      Looks can get you far on SBM.org #NoShade…

      Just be careful who you give that ring to bro…

      • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slimuel L. Jackson

        Looks can get you far here? What's that all about?

        • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

          I was shooting in the dark with that one…

      • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        Sh*t! I meant to hit dislike.

        • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

          You got a token "like" for that one…

    • http://www.twitter.com/drrdb TWIsM81

      LOL @Star. What flavor is that Haterade you're sipping on? lol

      @Adonis, Ring? Whoa. Slow down. I've been reppin' #TeamSingle for a hot minute now. It might take a while to walk away from that.

      Sadly after going to sleep and waking up the only example of tact (that I may or may not have employed in the past) I could think of is this….

      New Girl: Wow. I had a great time last night, you remember to call me okay.

      Me: *realizing I can't remember what the hell her name is* Oh, definitely. You know, I just thought of something. What's your middle name?

      New Girl: Lynn

      Me: Lynn. I like that. I think I'm gonna call you that.

      TACT!!!

      • QueenT

        Now, that was smooth my brotha….lol

      • Starita34

        Mmm, peach mango. Tastes so good with my hatertots ;-)
        http://goo.gl/LtvpF

      • http://www.shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

        okay. L M B O.

        hilarity. also, that's so wrong. lol.

      • GirlSixx

        Smooooooth…..

        Who ever said pimpin wasn't easy….. Lied!!!

        Scenario Lata on that day: Girl calls up and have 3 way convo with her girls screeching/screaming in phone "girrlllllll ole boy is feeling me can you believe he asked me my middle name, OMG he's a keeper, hmmmm I wonder if he wants kids and how many kids he wants??". ;)

  • TellyLongLegs

    "Thank you for posting on the proper use of tact. I love the “I’m just keepin’ it real” people. Naw, ninja, you just find new, embarrassing (though often entertaining) ways of staying unemployed. There’s always a ratchety way to answer someone when they come at your the wrong way, but being tactful is always the better maneuver."

    Exactly!

  • http://www.shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

    DB: Actually, it’s 35 changes.

    What I Think: Die

    What I Say: Okay, I’ll aim to have this to you tomorrow by noon.*smile*

    ^^ died reading that. lmboo. too funny. good post.

    i think in almost every situation, there is a tactless and tactful response. usually, if i can't think of a proper way to say something i'll just respond really briefly. most of my filtering is done when speaking to my Mom or my friends though. you know, it's Mom… so even when you want to say something less than nice, you can't. but she can. life just isn't fair that way.

    *phone rings for the 6th time in 2 mins*

    me: hey mommy.

    mom: hey what are you doing i've been calling you! busy?

    (what i'm thinking): yes. that's why i didn't answer the first five times.

    me: yeah, writing a 15 page paper. also have to finish a few chapters. just trying to focus.

    mom: ohh okay sounds like a lot! you're so smart though if anyone can handle it, it's you. …do you remember my old friend gayle's son who you met that one time on that trip to cedar pointe when you were around 12, when that little boy fell and broke his collar bone? yeah, you had to be about 12, jordan had just been born. i just ran into gayle at the post office! isn't that crazy? had to take your grandmother there to mail some bills and whew lord she was working my nerves. i'll tell you about that in a minute. but gayle, it was so good seeing her after such a long time! and her son, she showed me a picture and he is soooo handsome now, getting his Ph.D at Uof M and single, tall, i mean just gorgeous… she told me that she was going to tell him to find you on facebook, so make sure you accept his request. i showed her you all's pics and she just was amazed yall are so grown now and can you believe that her son was in the same–

    (what i'm thinking): OMG.

    me: mommy… this paper is really stressful and it's due in an hour. can i call you back in a few?

    mommy: oh sure! you should've just said you were busy, chile!

    -__-

    • http://thatdamnafrican.wordpress.com/ That Damn African

      "you know, it’s Mom… so even when you want to say something less than nice, you can’t."

      Yup. I've been through plenty of scenarios like the one you wrote about. Moms always have a way of dragging out conversation. Luckily, she doesn't realize that I say the same four things most of times she calls me: "yeah", "really?", "uh-huh", and "wow".

      • http://www.shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

        LOL right. i've become very skilled at listening but not really. yeezy taught me.

        lol… sorry. still excited about the kanye coachella concert last night. *hearts* even in his blouse.

    • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slimuel L. Jackson

      The mom scenario is hilarious. I go through this each and every time I speak to her without fail. The funny part is that if I ask her what's going on and how are things, she's just like "Oh, the ususal. Not too much going on here." But as soon as I say I need to get off the phone, she has 10 quick stories to tell me. **sigh**

      Gotta love moms though.

    • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Wooo, that IS my mother. I think they do this to keep us on the phone because they miss us or whatever.

  • http://[email protected] Sage jr

    Your post was hilarious to read. Thank you for sharing.

    As for my personal filter, I don't think negative thoughts so much. I do feel the "grrrr" but it isn't in word form.

    Filter, rarely used. Its like mode switching for me. Like you curse while around friends but not around parents, well I typically don't even think negative things because I'm horrible at hiding what I'm thinking. I'm really easy to read apparently.

    • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slimuel L. Jackson

      My filter for swearing has steadily decreased over the last few months. I think even my mom has heard me say "sh*t" and slapped me through the phone.

  • http://www.ibeparanoid.com Lola

    Shots fired! LOL!!!

    This was a funny one, I'm seriously trying to picture you here doing that lol!

    Hmmm… seriously trying to think what I've sugar coated, but at the moment I'm just having a brain fart… maybe tomorrow I'll get better at this lol

  • Starita34

    I like to think I'm pretty tactful, surprisingly – or not, I'm least tactful with those I actually care about. They get real truth even when it's not nice.

    Tact effects me negatively moreso when I say nothing, as opposed to me going off. It gets viewed as weakness or absence of caring or lack of an opinion or plain fear. Some ish is just not worth my blood pressure rising, especially if you don't rank in my life. Not that things don't effect me, just that I don't see a benefit to hashing out real emotions and feelings with people that don't care. So tact is really a time saver for me. Going off on your boss isn't going to result in less work unless you count being fired, but that's also significantly less pay, just more drama, so what's the point?

    Oh and the obligatory TWIsM is soooo right comment *eye roll* – the "keepin' it real" folks drive me plum batty! You're keeping it real ignant, that's what you're doing. This is life, get some sense.

    Alright, I see I'm going to have to be the first to ask…what in the HELL is the photo of today? Am I just dense? I don't get it. Not at all, I have one theory, but it seems a bit simplistic…should I be embarrassed that I don't see it? I'll let you know if I'm ashamed when someone explains it to me, until then I say it's nonsensical, i.e. not my fault.

    by the by TWIsM, I'm just playing with you, don't go "keepin it real" on me by starting a Twitter feud ;-)

    • TellyLongLegs

      "I'm least tactful with those I actually care about.  They get real truth even when it's not nice."

      I believe you need to hear the truth whether you like it or not. Since I want you to be honest and straightforward with me I will be the same way with you.

      • Starita34

        Meh. The whole truth takes effort and if I don't care about you, I'm not putting in all that work, plus I'm not conceited enough to think that you give a flying eff what I think about you unless you ask.

        I know that my truth is not everyone's truth and I'm ok with that. No need to push my ideals onto you unless you welcome that feedback.

        And don't be confused, I'm not saying I lie to folks that don't rate, just saying that instead of telling them all my thoughts, I tell them the basics that they need to know. The chick at the front desk doesn't need to know that I think her hair is horrendous and she's marrying this dude way too fast. That's none of my business. #ShrugNPull

  • Christina

    This post is comedy! I’m very tactful with strangers because I’m unaware of their personality and style of communication. People who know me…Now that’s a different story. The more I know you, the less tactful I am. The less I know you, the more tactful I am.

    Phone convo with an ex-boyfriend:

    I think:

    Ex: What are you doing?

    Me: Watching Roseanne on TV Land.

    Ex: Oh, ok. I kinda miss you. You miss me?

    Me: Not really.

    Ex: Oh, it’s like that?

    Me: Well, I could’ve lied to you. You just told me that you’re getting tired of your children’s mother playing games with you because one minute she wants you, then the next she doesn’t. you want me to play mental and emotional games like your children’s mother? Cuz I can if you want. I can have you all messed up in the head by the time we get off the phone.

    Ex: you know what…Never mind. I’ll talk to you later.

    Me: I’m not tryin to be mean, but you already know what’s up. We’re friends…Nothing more, nothing less.

    I say:

    Ex: What are you doing?

    Me: Watching Roseanne on TV Land.

    Ex: Oh, ok. I kinda miss you. You miss me?

    Me: Not really.

    Ex: Oh, it’s like that?

    Me: Well, I could’ve lied to you. You just told me that you’re getting tired of your children’s mother playing games with you because one minute she wants you, then the next she doesn’t. you want me to play mental and emotional games like your children’s mother? Cuz I can if you want. I can have you all messed up in the head by the time we get off the phone.

    Ex: you know what…Never mind. I’ll talk to you later.

    Me: I’m not tryin to be mean, but you already know what’s up. We’re friends…Nothing more, nothing less.

    Yeah, basically I say what I mean and mean what I say. I speak the truth because it’s who I am. I’m deaf to lies and all I know is the truth. Now in no way am I a mean person because I have no intensions of hurting people’s feelings. The motives behind a mean person are to intentionally cause pain and harm to one’s feelings. The motives behind a truthful person is to tell the truth. So my filter setting is adjusted according to the person I’m talking to and the relationship I have with that person.

    • Starita34

      *my Mom's voice* Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't be mean when you say it.

      But her real anthem was "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Gotta say, I practice this still…(unless I care deeply and think that you're open to feedback)

  • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

    Hmmm… before I address the article…

    OFF TOPIC

    I came to my brother's house and got into an argument about Shaq's Contract when he was with the Orlando Magic (1992-1996, 40 Mil over 7 years…)

    What I was trying to find out was how much he got paid over Year One… Year Two… & Year Three…

    My brother says 5.5 million every year…

    & my other brother says in the FIRST year he couldn't have gotten over a million dollars … and in three years he couldn't have gotten more than 5 million dollars

    #FML

    My grandmother PUNKED me into cutting off my afro cut & made me go to church for palm sunday… she is a Jehovah's Witness…

    - HOW THE F*CK ARE YOU GONNA HAVE RED WINE & UNLEAVEN BREAD & AND I CAN'T EAT or DRINK… What is the point…?

    - That was an hour I will never get back…

    - I loved the friendliness of Jehovah Witnesses ESP. the White Women…

    END OFF TOPIC…

    What is my stance on tact…

    Well because human beings are emotional & not logical… Tact is the wave…

    Tact is good when I am giving out tough advice…

    Tact is good when I am a mediator…

    Tact is good when I want to avoid conflict…

    Tact is good when dealing with people who are more POWERFUL than I am… (like the COPS)

    Tact is good when I want something from another human being…

    I am not interested in when tact fails me…

    If it was up to me… I would be honest & blunt 95% of the time… But being tactful is fine… whatever works

    But I am cool with the cards that I have…

    • Starita34

      <blockquote cite="comment-293265">

      Adonis:

      Tact is good when dealing with people who are more POWERFUL than I am… (like the COPS)

      This is a great point.
      /tact

    • http://twitter.com/kjnetic Peter Parker

      year 1 – 3 million

      year 2 – 3.9 million

      year 3 – 4.8 million

      year 4 – 5.7 million

      • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

        Thank You… Appreciate that… Although we work that out on our side…

        I was about to holla at ESPN Research

        • Starita34

          Or, you know, Google. Maybe you've heard of it? It's where you find all your p0rn…

        • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

          I had a HARD time figuring out this particular issue…

          And <DEL> unlike some people on this blog </DEL>, I know when I am beat at something, and have to ask for help…

        • Kema

          <blockquote cite="comment-293787">

          Adonis: And unlike some people on this blog , I know when I am beat at something

          Shots? (in my little kid voice) Ohhh! You gon let him say that?

        • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

          @Kema

          It doesn't matter to me who bites on that comment or not…

          Cause the people who it applies to know it is complete & utter GOSPEL…

          And I will take a (silent) co-sign anyway I can get it…

          It is better to be right, than to be stubborn…

        • http://twitter.com/kjnetic Peter Parker

          <blockquote cite="comment-293366">

          Adonis:

          Thank You… Appreciate that… Although we work that out on our side…

          I was about to holla at ESPN Research

          The Irony of this statement…isn't lost upon me. *chuckles*

    • TellyLongLegs

      How did she punk you into cutting your Afro?

      • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

        She give me the "oh, I will grow back FAST" swindle…

        And I bit… And complained after it was cut…

        Hair is something I care alittle about… Appearance is something I care little about… (for now…) But like tact… I understand it power

  • http://yahoo namia

    It depends..for example if its with a guy

    Dude(my superior at office hitting on me): Can we go out

    Me:( aloud with a smile) Ahh..i cant afford you

    Me: ( In my head) Not another one!! will it stop already

    Regular dude: Can we go out…

    Me: (aloud) I dont see us" no point wasting each other's time…sorry

    Me: (in my head)…are you kidding me..i have a boyfriend you moron which i have mentioned 100 times..you have nothing to offer me!!

  • goons

    I am all for tact but there is a thin line between being tactful and plain lying.. Most of us just lie in the name of being "tactful "..IMO the 2 are diff and often interchanged when it suits people..A lie is NOT tact!!!.

    • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slimuel L. Jackson

      This is a really good point. I'd have to agree.

  • QueenT

    I'm a Sagittarius so I am pretty outspoken….but, I really try to be tactful. Sometimes, I hurt a person's feelings unknowingly….but, it's just hard for me to hold back what I am really thinking….but, at work I tend to bite my tongue alot…you know how that goes….

    I just have to say from the onset…that "you lookin fierce"..would not have worked with me either. I kinda like the "you looking like a smoothie" line…thats a funny line..I like a man with a sense of humor..although some might view that line as disrespectful…I would have laughed..sometimes, people think too much…..tact is overrated a little bit.

    Good Post Slimuel.

    • Kema

      <blockquote cite="comment-293332">

      QueenT: I’m a Sagittarius so I am pretty outspoken

      My bff is a Sag and I am always warning her about tact.

      Her meeting my cousin for the first time:

      Cuz: I dont really cook a lot. I mostly eat out

      BFF: You need to start cooking… No wonder you're fat… Eating all that processed food.

      I could not believe she said that. But you know what? She stay winning because she never hides how she feels… especially with men.

      • http://www.shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

        "BFF: You need to start cooking… No wonder you’re fat… Eating all that processed food."

        bwahahahaha. and they say us Aquarians are honest. wow.

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      oh I pretty much hate Sags for their lack of tact. lol

  • http://www.max-logic.com max

    I think tact is kinda over-rated, and I'm really only tactful for cause.

    I'm tactful with my parents, because there are very few things I say or think that are important enough to endure the ensuing lecture that comes from speaking my mind.

    At work I'm pretty tactful, but I'm also fortunate in that I work in an environment where I can get away with not being "Max Lite". Media people are pretty spirited and it's common to get a "Get the f*ck out of here" when you ask someone to do something and give them an unreasonable timeline. It's honestly one of the reasons I chose my field – because you really can get away with speaking to people "any any all how" as my mother would say.

    In my personal relationships, I'm usually not tactful. I think it wastes time. When you spend a lot of time figuring out the "right" way to say something, you generally end up watering down your point of view. If someone asks me if I mind something and I say "Well no it's just that it makes things tiny bit more inconvenient because I…." when what I'm really thinking is "of course I mind your attempt to stick a white-hot poker up my a$$", that person is never gonna understand how much I truly mind what I'm being asked to do. And then they'll keep asking me to do sh!t and having no idea how much I hate their life.

    I also hate finding out way later how someone really felt about something. You know when someone is steaming mad about something but they didn't want to go in at the time and you're walking around thinking things are cool and inside they're seething? And you don't find out til it's too late to do anything about that? I hate that. Don't be tactful – tell me what's really on your mind so we can fix it. I'm going to give it to you raw dog (pause?) so you might as well too.

    • Starita34

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aPMuBUgj08&fe

      Says the woman who wrote the post "My Name is Max, and I'm an Asshole"

      • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slimuel L. Jackson

        lol. I was thinking about asshole post.

        "I also hate finding out way later how someone really felt about something. You know when someone is steaming mad about something but they didn’t want to go in at the time and you’re walking around thinking things are cool and inside they’re seething? And you don’t find out til it’s too late to do anything about that? I hate that. Don’t be tactful – tell me what’s really on your mind so we can fix it. I’m going to give it to you raw dog (pause?) so you might as well too."

        This drives me nuts. It turns into passive aggressive annoyingness that makes me wanna do the Hulk Smash.

      • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

        Classic post by OG Max…

    • http://www.shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

      "I also hate finding out way later how someone really felt about something. You know when someone is steaming mad about something but they didn’t want to go in at the time and you’re walking around thinking things are cool and inside they’re seething? And you don’t find out til it’s too late to do anything about that? I hate that. Don’t be tactful – tell me what’s really on your mind so we can fix it."

      THIS. esp if we're in a relationship. i hate thinking everything is okay and they're side-eyeing you to death and won't say what they really feel, because i definitely cannot do that. lol. i'm allergic to that behavior.

      • http://www.max-logic.com max

        Yeah it's funny because people who are tactless are usually categorized as being mean or rude whereas I think this kind of ish is way meaner and way ruder than just being blunt.

        • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          Yes. When someone surpresses their feelings and takes the passive aggressive route, it does more harm than good in my eyes.

  • http://www.absandafros.com Aiby36

    Depending on the situation, I can be tactful to a fault. I have this inner monologue where I gauge whether what I'm thinking will really add anything to the situation or make it worse.

    Work Example:

    Picky A$$ Judge: (writes email and Cc's my supervisor): You wrote a great decision but you had the following mistakes, which I corrected (ie stylistic changes). I took the opportunity to cc The Boss so that he could be kept aware.

    What I'm Thinking: Look Bish, why in the holy hell would you send The Boss these stupid f*cking stylistic changes… You should have put those in your initial instructions…I am not a f*cking mind reader. Dumb A$$..kick rocks and chew screws.

    My Actual Email Response (cc'ing The Boss): Thank you Judge. I will incorporate these changes in future drafts. If you could please include these in your instructions that would be appreciated. Thank you.

    Guy in the Gym with Braids & Beads (Guy): Hey, I see you at the bench press. What are you working on?

    What I'm Thinking: Um…why would you interrupt me in the middle of a set? You see me at the bench press…wtf do you think I'm working on?

    Me: *racks bar* Chest

    Guy: Well, I see your stomach is tight. You think you could give me your number and we could exchange workout tips for your stomach?

    What I'm Thinking: Huh? Seriously? *Groans* Dude you are 45 with braids and beads. I stopped rocking that style when I was ten.

    Me: Um…I'm here on Saturdays typically.

    Guy: So I can't get your number

    Me: No…I'm not interested. But thank you. It was nice meeting you. *smiles*

    Was that last one tactful… *shrugs*

    With personal relationships, I'm rarely tactful anymore. Unless I think my response will cause that person to play in traffic, I say what I think. If anything, folks should learn not to ask opinions that they aren't ready to hear.

    • http://twitter.com/slimjackson Slimuel L. Jackson

      I think that last one was tactful. I'm curious how he responded? Like if he bounced a pec or tried to bully.lol

  • http://earsandlps.wordpress.com LaLaBakir

    I place a lot of value on being tactful. Unfortunately I encounter a lot of annoying people, and being tactful is a bit of a requirement for me to survive. Also, I the people who are least worthy of my tactfulness…wouldn't be able to handle the truth in its purest form.

    Me: *eating lunch at desk*

    Boss: Knock, knock! (I have no door). I was wondering if you wanted to take a look at this pamphlet. Its old, and I didn't find it useful. But maybe you will.

    Me in my head: Don't you see I'm eating? Do I bother you when you eat? No! And why would I want to look at a pamplet you just deemed old and not useful? And please stop knocking on the imaginary door. Stupid bish.

    Me in reality: *blank stare accompanied by a smile* Ok, thanks.

    She did something similar, one day when I just wasn't in the mood.

    Boss: *stupid bimbo giggle* Would you like to look at the kids work? *practically shoving papers in my face*

    Me: No. *blank stare*

    Boss: Oh.

    Me: *turns head and looks aimlessly into the crowd*

    • http://earsandlps.wordpress.com LaLaBakir

      After further thought, me being tactful pretty much is me refraining from comment. I know my words can be harsh AND I have a sense of humor that can be inapproriate. I just have to be aware of who I'm dealinf with. I can totally tell my BFF she looks like a stuffed sausage in that dress and no love is loss. But, if I tell another friend that…it wouldn't go over as well.

      • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slimuel L. Jackson

        "I can totally tell my BFF she looks like a stuffed sausage in that dress and no love is loss."

        2 guffaws and a like button.

        I never understood why people take someone eating as a time to drop in with nonsense and interrupt the chews.

        • Starita34

          I also love, "oh! You're eating, I don't want to interrupt… *as they then commence project interruptus maximus*"

          Say "oh! You're eating, I don't want to interrupt…" in your head and keep walking and come back when I'm done eating. *hits easy button*

      • http://www.shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

        LOL @ stares off aimlessly.

        i'm pretty much the same. i'm rarely thinking something mean or tactless, so when i do, i just pretty much keep it to "okay." lol.

  • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

    I used to be horrible with tact. It definitely was something that I had to make a concerted effort to develop, but I was able to do so very well. I also believe that you can turn tact on or off depending on if you need to fire on someone or something. And even in my writing you can see an improvement from offensive to provocative. That has a lot to do with tact. (Which reminds me to go make some edits on that offensive post i'm dropping tomorrow…)

    Funny examples of how tact can go wrong in relationships:

    1) If you don't tell a dude, "Not now, not then, not in a week, not if my mother dies, not if your mother dies, what I want to stress to you is that I have absolutely no interest in you whatsoever and these feelings will never change," you may end up with him confusing persistence and annoyance.

    2) I once let a chick cuss me out about our failed attempt at a relationship. I was tactful and let her get out her dreams, and then I thought to myself, "I don't want to be in this relationship, don't want anything with her, so why even explain my side?" I let her rock out with her opinion. Well, from time to time we would see each other out and about and she would just keep leaning into me about the failed attempt. Finally, I had to stop being tactful, "I'm sorry, but i'm just going to be honest with you, I didn't like you all that much to begin with, I kind of just wanted to see what it would be like to beat. And after that, what you were noticing was my disinterest in you as a potential partner. You got the game all messed up thinking that I was going to date someone that I merely wanted to sleep with. So that's the reason for the lack of responsiveness and never intiating contact with you. However, keep in mind that if I was going to date you a few things might have turned me off: (1) Your mouth is too smart, you have to learn that you don't need to say everything you thinking, that's a horrible trait that a lot of women have picked up. For example, "A lot of n*ggas won't f*ck with me because they find out i'm not f*cking."… on the first date; (2) You really don't need a man, and you go out of your way to prove it, aside … I actually make more money than you, I just didn't think it was appropriate that you told me to begin with and didn't want to fall trap to that trick, (3) And most important, you don't stick to your word."

    I smashed on the second date.

    • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

      Someone is seriously hating… what about my comment could you dislike? I've been noticing this too. I will find out who the culprit is too.

      • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        I notice someone keeps disliking your comments. (It's not me) I have one who keeps disliking me too. Join the club. There's room for one more. __

        You reminded me of something with your #2. When I don't care…like really don't care, I have nothing to say. It's easy to argue online because others are watching and you feel the need to type your opinion. That's the whole nature of blogging to me. We're supposed to throw ideas back and forth. If someone pisses me off, why should I hide it? I'm safe behind my computer, right? Then I learned that I might actually have to face these people one day through events and sh*t. So um yeah, I see you're getting better with your comments. So am I, it's necessary in these e-streets. However in life, I really could care less about people who don't matter. If I don't care about your opinion or the convo, I'll just fall silent and walk away. I have to really feel safe in order to let someone have it. Most of the time, I just say a mental "fcuk you" and keep it pushing.

        • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

          I hear you on the "I might have to see this person in real life" (paraphrasing, because I didn't quote you)

          I account for that when posting…

      • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

        Dislikes are a badge of honor for me…

        But as a former b!tcha$$ ninja who relapses from time to time

        I hate b!tcha$$ness

      • Starita34

        LOL @ the fact that you can't even conceptualize why someone could possibly dislike your comment! Perhaps it was the lady you smashed on the second date that you weren't interested in…

        SN: I totally thought that ya'll could see who was liking and disliking. Learn something every day.

  • DeKeLa

    Being Tact helps in keeps the peace in the office and business settings, because I am paid to do so. Outside of work people can go fcuk themselves.

    Work Scenario

    Boss: We need this done right away. Go to Frederique (formerly Frederick) and do WHATEVER it takes to make it happen.. WHATEVER it takes

    Me: (in my head) Did your mother-fornicating guido arse just emphasize me to make myself avaialble to a Tranny? Go F* yourself and her(him)

    Me:(real life) Huh (blank stare) I Quit….

    Boss: You aren't getting away from here that easily…

    Luckily I have a really cool boss…smh

    • GirlSixx

      Laughing at that scenario.

      *Giggling*

  • http://www.pinchmycheekie.com Cheekie

    Yup, there are certainly ways tol be able to speak your piece in a tactful manner and still get your point across firmly. It's an art to it. What I can't stand are obnoxious folks who defend their obnoxiousness by saying, "You just mad because I'm speaking my mind!" Naw, son, I'm mad because you're a tactless donkey. Have some class about yourself. *sips tea with pinky up*

  • iBurgie

    HAHAHAHA. Ofcourse I loved this post. I never thought of my filtering hindering me from anything. It's actually pretty helpful. Only the Lord knows what I think inside my head and if I ever decided to say my thoughts out loud, I will hurt a lot of people's feelings. Being tactful prevents a lot of bad situations from happening.

  • Corey

    I rarely turn the filter all the way off or everything would just be a long stream of incoherrent vulgarites. I feel like its more an issue of the security settings on your filter than anything else. I'm always a smart azz and I tend to get a bit snappy when I feel like you trying to get cute or test my nutz. I still snap out on folks although I don't go around calling my boss a biatch azz nucca/cracka at will. However, I did squeeze out a "You muth…" before I caught myself once.

  • Humble_One

    How much value do you place on being tactful?

    Yes I do. This is something that I learned a long time ago. When dealing with people you have to be tactful. Some people can take what you say and run with it. Or you can shoot yourself in the foot.

    What’s your filter setting?

    Depends on the situation.

    1. Chic I would smang but have no chance of smanging? No filter.

    2. On the job? Extra sensitive. My filter at work is like having 3-4 virus scans on your PC all set to high protection.

    3. If I'm around people that have just met me? High filter. I'm a cool dude but can be an @sshole and people may get the wrong impression when they first meet me. Plus I'm from Detroit which strikes fear in people.

    Do you have examples of conversation snippets where you’re thinking one thing and say something much more sugary for the win or loss?

    Conversation with woman i'm trying to avoid.

    ending of last conversation

    Her: something just came up can I call you back?

    Me: Sure

    (she doesnt call back)

    2 weeks later she calls

    Me: Hello

    Her: Hey stranger

    Me: oh what up

    Her: I haven't heard from you in a minute. Why havent you called.

    Me: last time we talked you said you would call me back

    Her: ok, so what does that mean?

    Me: I was waiting on you to call.

    • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Can I take a quick min to vent about that? I have a few people who constantly do that to me. They never call and when we finally get together, they always say "Girl you can't call nobody?!" GTFOH. That's my pet peeve. If you know you don't call me, why you gonna question why I don't call you? I think some people say it to just say it.

      Okay, I'm done venting. Thanks OG.

    • sanen85

      First, that spam filter analogy is not helping the bot rumors. Second,

      " If I’m around people that have just met me? High filter. I’m a cool dude but can be an @sshole and people may get the wrong impression when they first meet me. Plus I’m from Detroit which strikes fear in people."

      They are fearful of you because they've seen Terminator.

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

    my filter setting is set on high. i get easily annoyed by a lot of people. i've actually mastered be tactful. the thing i need to work on though is my facial expressions. from the furrowed eyebrows/forehead to the blank stare to the rapid blinking. i've been told my facial expressions tell exactly what i'm thinking. when a person annoys me they know exactly what i'm thinking and its usually "get the fcuk away from me."

    • Kema

      <blockquote cite="comment-293664">

      MadScientist7: i’ve been told my facial expressions tell exactly what i’m thinking.

      This is me right here. My face does not lie.

    • cynicaloptimist81

      <blockquote cite="comment-293664">

      MadScientist7: the thing i need to work on though is my facial expressions. from the furrowed eyebrows/forehead to the blank stare to the rapid blinking. i’ve been told my facial expressions tell exactly what i’m thinking. when a person annoys me they know exactly what i’m thinking…”

      I'm really mad I can't like this more than once, LMBO!

      My raised eyebrown is my "signature" expression for several emotions/comments:

      "You're stupid"

      "Run before I choke you"

      "I don't care about anything or anyone until I eat"

      "I know you're lying and I'm too tired/hungry/far removed to fight about it so I'll just get you back later on my end"

      "Have you realized that I haven't heard a word you just said…seriously, I'm not listening"

      My solution for being tactful is being quiet or saying, with the eyebrow raised, "Mhmm…mhmm…oh okay. Let me think about it/look it over and get back to you in a few" until I can work out a better way to say what I need to say…and I HAVE to say it. However, if I'm hungry or tired, my filter settings get quirky and I'm more inclined to tell it like it is. But, that raised eyebrow is a mainstay, lol…

    • http://earsandlps.wordpress.com LaLaBakir

      Im terrible at control my facial expressions. I'm working on that, but I don't know why. People don't respect non-verbal communication.

  • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

    Read this on the train to work. Had a few laughs.

    I feel like most have already hit examples I was going to use: work, friends, family, etc etc. Plus, as I believe TWIS pointed out, we can all "keep it real" but those of us with common sense know realness isnt welcome in all situations. With that said (typed), I'm going to get back to basics.

    Basically, every conversation I have with a woman I'm interested in, at least in the beginning, is an effort in extreme tact. If it were up to me, I would begin every conversation in the vein of street poet, Jadakiss: "Is we f*ckin or what?"

    Sadly, some women might see this as disrespectful. However, depending on the female, I have and may again use this phrase, simply because I dont care about the outcome. She might get mad or she might say, yes. It's a gamble. Sometimes you have to go all in. I know what the ladies are thinking, "Is it always about sex?!?" Yes….yes it is. /no tact>

    Anyway, by exercising tact I have to spend anywhere between 3 dates and 3 months trying to figure out what I could have asked in the first 3 seconds. Most annoying but such is life.

    • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

      As a guy who has spent YEARS on a cheap piece of a$$, whom I never got to sleep with (mostly cause I want on some worship BS)

      I wish a mentor in my life would have told me to open women with something like that…

      I love not wasting my time…

  • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

    one of my favorite sorors has absolutely no couth or tact. I love her dearly because she says things that make me crack up, and I love to laugh–and also what am usually thinking, but I just can't do it myself.

    it has taken much practice for me to learn to filter. its much easier online–which is why I tell people all the time I'm WAY nicer online than I am in person. in work situations sometime I just have to walk away and get my thoughts/facial expressions together. Even though now I don't always say 'muthaf*cka, for what?!" my face will usually show it before I think out the PC alternative. So yeah I'm still not all the way there. lol but I also have been told by former supervisors that I am the queen of polite emails. I feel like most people can't handle direct blunt truth. and when it comes to my $$ I will make nice. but when its not… some folks just gotta get told. I try to gauge which situations are worth it or not.

    this was a good post.

    • http://www.max-logic.com max

      Reecie even if you're being tactful with what you say your face says it all though.

      • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

        I know its a struggle!

  • RCTuri

    LOVE the Tuesday-Friday jab at the end. :-)

  • Mix

    Wow, this post was written with perfect timimg just went out with a childhood friend. yesterday(reluctently) I really wanted to say home and watch the nba playoffs but I went anyway,i have been dropping hints for months that I am not interested. I turned down sex from her her offers for dates,etc but she is really acting like fantasia. I love bein tacful sometimes because having a poker face and watching someone make a fool of themselves is very funny to me,but sometimes you add a lot more stress than you need when you should have been less tacful from the start, you need a balance of both.

  • http://www.thelowerfrequency.com TheMostInterestingMa

    Good Post Slim.

    I think tact is useful so long as it's not used to replace honesty. I'm not the most tactful person all the time. But, in the situations where I'm not very tactful, it's a conscious choice made because I think that adding a certain measure of tact to what I'm saying – in that particular situation – dilutes the honesty.

  • Ness

    I JUST had this conversation yesterday! Hilarious!

  • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

    I know it may seem like I'm don't use a filter or tact but wrongo! lol I'm full of tact, filter and can be very charming in life. I use this because anyone who walks around saying what they feel will lose at life. Also, using tact is a good way to get what you want. In the end, everyone is happy. It's a little stressful not saying what you want to say but the stress that comes AFTER you speak your mind is much worse. If people knew what I was thinking half the time, they might get scared.

    Want an example? Don't mind if I do:

    Internet example:

    SBM commenter: Hey SFG, the convo got alittle crazy today and I'm sorry if I offended you. Want to bury the hatchet?

    What I'm thinking: Can I polish my strap on and bury it into your mouth?! B*TCH?!!

    What I say: Sure, no worries. I forgot all about it.

    Real life example:

    Coworker: Hey T, can you train me on how to update files in the admin?

    What I'm thinking: Girl I'd love to but your breath is making me want to kick you in the throat so you can stop breathing on me.

    What I say: Sure. Let me get some gum cause I had onions for lunch. (No I didn't) Would you like some too?

    Yeah, I love honesty but most of the time, I can't be honest with people. The only people who get the real me are my 2 best friends. Such is life.

    • TellyLongLegs

      "What I say: Sure. Let me get some gum cause I had onions for lunch. (No I didn't) Would you like some too?"

      **takes note***

      • Corey

        You know that's always the person that's like "Oh no, I'm good". No you ain't either!!

        • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          Hahaha! Yep they always deny the gum, candy, etc.

        • Corey

          Those are the types I want to hold down and pressure wash their mouths out with a bleach/ammonia cocktail.

    • http://www.shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze

      idied at kicking her in the throat. lmbo.

      i am queen of the "i just happened to want some gum right now, here take a piece too" thing. lol. for some reason, every person that sits next to me in church forgets to brush their teeth that morning. lawd.

      • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/ Slimuel L. Jackson

        Or they just have a mean case of halitosis.

      • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        Yes! It makes me nauseous I swear. I get violent thoughts and er'thang.

  • Psyche

    My filter is a work in progress. It's much easier to control in the digital world. I probably use tact in all aspects of my life simply because I don't want to hurt peoples feelings unnecessarily. Just because I tell the truth doesn't mean I have to do it in a hurtful manner. Tact is probably most important at work (because I need my 9-5), but playing that game between tact and letting people walk over you is complicated sometimes. Good post!

  • http://redlady821.wordpress.com/ RedLady821

    I used to be a very tactful person, but over time I've become less tactful with how I handle things and people. In the past, I would go out of my way not to be offensive, but lately, I really care less and less.

    I've learned not to tweet while drinking recently, alcohol lowers inhibitions as well as my tact level. There's a time and a place for everything. I also think that tact waxes and wanes according to certain trends.

    • Starita34

      *stalks RedLady's TL to catch the drunk tweets*

      • http://redlady821.wordpress.com/ RedLady821

        Girl, check it out, it was on "togetherapart" I even caught a threat off of that one.

        • http://www.max-logic.com max

          You were effing hilarious during together apart though. Long live tactless RedLady!

    • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Oooh yes, when I'm drunk I'm all kinds of reckless with the mouth. You'll either laugh your @ss off or hate me. lol

  • Larry

    There's a high value on being tactful depending on the situation, obviously. No need to burn any bridges on unnecessary banter because of one's ego. In order to play the game you have to know the rules and if you don't have the leverage to be disrespectfully blunt then it may be wise to be more tactful. 9 times out of 10 people know the meaning behind your tactfulness anyway and know you're just trying to use the best euphemisms to not be a total a*hole on purpose.

    You can tell my filter starts to break down a bit when I start making very facetious/ jokingly serious comments. I'm pretty fluent in sarcasm to be honest and that can be a problem for me when dealing with people that don't have that same sense of humour. Those type of sensitive people I have to be more tactful with.

  • Woman of Inspiration

    <blockquote cite="comment-293163">

    TWIsM81: Slim, Thank you for posting on the proper use of tact. I love the “I’m just keepin’ it real” people. Naw, ninja, you just find new, embarrassing (though often entertaining) ways of staying unemployed. There’s always a ratchety way to answer someone when they come at your the wrong way, but being tactful is always the better maneuver. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to forward this to some play cousins that need to read this. I’m lying, those ninjas can’t read

    #Dead

    #ThisRightHereJustDroppedMeToTheFloor

    Love the post today!

  • http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

    I used to try and be tactful/diplomatic/all them other PC things but nowadays, im only tactful when i absolutely have to be. My philosophy/observations have been that the average person doesn't internalize anything.

    So if you want to be tactful by addressing your group about work output for example by saying that everyone needs to start pulling their weight, the person that its really directed at will say, "yeah, i've noticed that SOME people have not been doing their jobs and thats not fair to the rest of us"

    BUT, if you say "Bonquiqui if you don't get the fuck off of facebook and do some gah damn work around here your ass is grass"…she'll surely get the point. (she might not do any work, and your tires might get slashed but at least she'll know you were talking about her)

  • NinaFontaine

    Its funny you brought this up – my manager is leaving and wants me to interview for her job but she's like girl you have to put on your filters. Good with tact in words but if we're not on the phone my face tells you exactly what I really want to say!

  • http://twitter.com/streetztalk Streetz

    THis is a matter of time and place. im extremely tactful in my interactions with people. Some people say Im too PC, but there's no reason to be rude or an @sshole just because. ifind that annoying.

    When you want the truth straight with no chaser, you get it from me. Other situations, I know what to say, when to say it, and HOW to say it. That is so important in life, it's very underrated.

    You have to make sure your tact isn't making you fake though. When you give a falsified facade of self, you lose touch with who you are, and so do the people with which you interact.

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      you are too PC. you can keep it funky with Reecie. #pause if necessary

      • http://twitter.com/streetztalk Streetz

        <blockquote cite="comment-293866">

        Reecie:

        you are too PC. you can keep it funky with Reecie. #pause if necessary

        See what I mean? lol

  • http://codecipher.blogspot.com MeteorMan

    How much value do you place on being tactful?

    Depends on the environment. At work? 90% Sometimes these mofos get unruly and you have to remind them that you're not a doormat.

    What’s your filter setting?

    1 part tactfulness, 2 parts brutal honestly.

    Do you have examples of conversation snippets where you’re thinking one thing and say something much more sugary for the win or loss?

    Client: Hey, do you have a minute?

    Me (thinking): Stop interrupting me! No, I don't have a minute. Go away.

    Me: (saying): What's your question?

    Client: I know I said that requirement X wouldn't change, but after thinking about, X does need to change. Is it hard to make X variable?

    Me (thinking): Yes it is! Everything based on X! You told me to do it!

    Me (saying): *blank stare with a pause* Well, I think I can make that happen.

    Client: Also, could you make this one little tweak to Y?

    Me (thinking): No. YOU do it. Don't bother me about small stuff you can yourself. And quit changing the requirements in the middle of the project you a*s!

    Me (saying): *blank stare* Ok.

    Client: One more thing, I'm trying to run subjects tomorrow morning at 7am. Could you have all that done by then?

    Me (thinking): Absolutely not! Are you stupid? Who do you think you are? It's already late and I'm going home soon.

    Me (saying): It probably would be best that you reschedule those subjects. Given the requirement changes you just stated, I'll have to do a few iterations of tests to make sure it's as bug free as possible. I'll email you once it's ready. Close my office door behind you.

    Also…

    I have this blessing and curse: people always want to to me their life stories and current situations in great detail. Before too long, I'm playing insta-therapist. I've been told that I'm such a great listener and I've even learned how not to get friend-zoned when this happens (without breaking any man laws). I've learned this: being too tactful will get you friend zoned. If a woman is exposing herself to you. You have to call her out (when appropriate) in order to expose her to herself. Then she fells naked already. So taking off the clothes is only a formality. Only then can you be considered "real" enough to be a friend while inducing wetness.

    • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Do we work at the same company? LOL And yes, being too tactful will get you friend zoned. There's something s.exy about a man who tells me like it is. Exposing a woman is good game.

    • cynicaloptimist81

      Yup…that's Systems for ya, lol. #teamIT

  • Elle

    After a short conversation on the phone about my whereabouts with a co-worker who DID NOT read the email I sent about my exact whereabouts 2 hours before and getting an ear full about some redundant foolishness….

    Me: Hey Tee I'm here now

    Tee: Hey Elle, whats up?

    What I think: Bitch! I fucking hate you right now.

    What I say: (I said nothing, I just walked away pretending not to hear them)

  • http://twitter.com/kjnetic Peter Parker

    i am…excessively tactful. to the point where it may look like i'm lying…but i'm not.

    i'm just trying to find the right way to word something, without pissing people off.

    Because for me, the one thing i sincerely detest. is having people being awkward around me. especially if it's for something i said, that i really didn't have to say in the blunt way i said it. so since i don't like it, i keep any (potentially awkward) moments to myself.

    so if that means keeping quiet around someone i like…if i can't say it without being thirsty…i shut my mouth.

    and futhermore, i DETEST the #TeamKeepitReal . all i see from folks who claim to keep it real, is an ability to be excessively blunt, argumentative, and combative. For me, keeping it right is more important than keeping it real.

    • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

      Being apart of #TeamKeepItReal has alot of downside… So I understand your stance on it..

      Guy like me only get TRULY celebrated & hated when I die…

      Co-Sign

  • nianeek

    At home, I’m as tactful as I need to be to maintain my tranquility.
    When at the cube farm, I’m as tactful as my counterpart. There are too many personalities and everyone is a big baby about wanting what they want, although I generally pay them no mind I like to see the tears welling up in their ducks before they’re deadlines mean much.
    I have an agenda to tend to…
    I think people finally get I don’t give a damn about nothing in here but my health benefits.
    As for dudes, peep the Friday night folly:
     
    NO TACT EXCERCISED
    “Stalker eyes Friday Night Payday Feeling Myself”: So you all over the place, Huh?
    Me: Yeah I like to dance.
    SEFNPFM: Yeah I saw you over there with your girls looking like 3 flavor flavs. I like your breast.
    Me:  LOL You’re nuts! What the fuck do you want?
    SEFNPFM: I’m a freak and I like you and your girl.
    Me: Word, so what now? Am I suppose to give a fuck?
    SEFNPFM: And I’m saying?
    Me: Shut the fuck up, you ain’t saying shit with your old ass.
     
    TACT EXERCISED
    Same night different dude, my homie gets us a ride back to BK from a dude I thought was hollering at her. He dropped off everyone and I was last. “SCRUB with a badge” final conversation when I was getting dropped off:
    “SCRUB with a badge”: Yeah so I’m hungry, I should stop and pick up something to eat.
    Me Thinking: You scrub ass negro, you heard my friend say she wanted to get something to eat before you dropped her off. Now you’re hungry loser? *stomach growling*
    Me: Oh aight
    SWAB: So, how long have you know each other?
    Me Thinking: This negro want small talk and I’m trying to get a ride so I can hurry home and get right. Oh lawd green light Goddess save me!
    Me saying: High school.
    SWAB: Which one?
    Me Thinking: Seriously? You never heard of it I’m sure, so let me confirm this…
    Me saying: E.R. Murrow
    SWAB: Oh nah
    Me Thinking: Exactly mofo
    SWAB: You was dancing with everybody but me.
    Me Thinking: Fool I didn’t see you because I was in flash dance mode. I don’t see anyone when I’m doing me. Yessss, two more lefts and I’m home free.
    SWAB: *pulls up in front of my crib* so your crib is on top of a store front?
    Me: LOL yeah and…
    SWAB: Ah boo that’s wack…
    Me Thinking: Like I give a fuck what you think, you only know cause you gave me a ride. WINNING!!!
    Me Saying: Thanks get home safe

    • http://www.twitter.com/TAARenaissance Adonis

      Someone just brought some HEAT…

      Good post…

  • cynicaloptimist81

    <blockquote cite="comment-294071">

    nianeek: Me Thinking: Fool I didn’t see you because I was in flash dance mode. I don’t see anyone when I’m doing me. Yessss, two more lefts and I’m home free.SWAB: *pulls up in front of my crib* so your crib is on top of a store front?Me: LOL yeah and…SWAB: Ah boo that’s wack…Me Thinking: Like I give a fuck what you think, you only know cause you gave me a ride. WINNING!!!Me Saying: Thanks get home safe

    ___________ @ Flash dance mode & WINNING!!! with the free ride, LMBO!

  • Jamar

    I find myself being a little overly tact sometimes, especially when it comes to women lol –but hey that's just me! I place a high value being tactful because it shows character and a high level level of maturity. One particular conversation I recently had w/ my manager [Caucasian] comes to mind…

    Stupid Insensitive Boss : Hey, we have a meeting w/ this office manager to present our proposal tomorrow, but she's a hard-a**

    What I Think: Ok so…your the manager whats the big deal? Just handle it!

    What I say: Okay cool. She's probably not that bad. We'll be fine.

    Stupid Insensitive Boss: She just gave me really hard time last visit. She's a "sista" too so it should be smooth sailing this time around.

    What I think: WTF??!! Are you serious? If she's a bitch to you what the hell makes you think she'll mysteriously be nice to me and we'll click??

    What I say: Yea. It should be no problem for me. I'll take care of it.

    I could have possibly switched to 'angry black man' role BUT I figured one narrow-minded individual is NOT going to have me loose my job!!

    • DRMAD aka Madiam

      Oh I think Im starting to get it now..Even though you may be thinking one thing i.e. "WTF" blah blah…"makes you think she'll be nice to me…?" The TACTFUL reply is to AGREE and give them the answer they want to hear. (lightbulb appears)
      Smartas$ rude answer:" I define this is as being fake, phony, superficial." Oops the new and improved me whom wants to be welcomed to social gatherings sooo The TACTFUL REPLY: "Oh ok now I see what Im doing wrong…Thank you for setting me straight"
      Right?! am I getting it?

  • http://stillnatural.tumblr.com N.I.A. naturally

    Cute post, Slim.

    There's a time and place for everything. And keeping it real is not appropriate for every time and every place. I think I hold my tongue a little too much, especially with friends and family. When a person asks me my opinion, I generally try to find the best way to lessen the blow. So, instead of calling my friend a dumb heffa, I say "don't you think this would be a better idea", then present an alternative to her "dumb heffa" bad idea. lol. And of course, when it comes to parents, I never say what I'm thinking.

    (My thoughts in parenthesis)

    Me, trying to eat dinner in peace: *sigh* hey mama.

    Mama; Hey boochie. How ya doin?

    Me: (Didn't I just talk to yesterday?) I'm fine mama, eating dinner, watching tv. What's good with you?

    Mama: What wrong with your sister? I haven't heard from her all week.Where is she?

    Me: (How the hell am I supposed to know? She doesn't live here.) Dang mama, its just Tuesday. She's probably just busy with stuff.

    Mama: Too busy to talk to her mother?

    Me: (she doesn't want to talk to you right now) Well, I don't know. Is that all you wanted from me? (say yes say yes say yes)

    Mama: Nooo, I wanted to talk to my baby. You said you were going to call me back last night after your shower, and you didn't. I wanted to tell you about blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah.

    Me: (I'm pretty sure she told me this yesterday, but I'll listen, say "uh huh, yeah mama" when necessary.)

    Mama: Isn't that crazy?

    Me: Uh huh, yeah mama…

    Similar conversations happen at least 3 times a week. I love my mother, but she calls at least 4 times a week, and the three times I pick up, she acts like she hasn't talked to me in months. lol.

    • http://twitter.com/kjnetic Peter Parker

      i think this is a mom thing…they really just want to hear your voice/be in the presense of their children. it's annoying, but it's how they show they care.

      i'm personally not a talker, but i do my best to talk to mom…but my sister will call her 2x-3x a day every day (no lie)

  • http://undressingher.com undressingHER

    lol @ your boy pulling her. I think it all depends on the setting. At work, or dealing with anything business wise, you should be tactful. Also, when dealing with your elders.

    When it comes to women though, ehh, I'll say whatever I'm thinking. I recently decided to be tactful with every woman I met, as in honestly not saying what was on my mind and keeping things very unconfrontational…well, I've found that with doing that, some women are even easier than I thought. It' slike, if you can get their number…and play into the game they want, then you can have them pretty easily. That's only if you're willing to feel her out pretty quickly and cater your actions accordingly. Too much work.

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  • Ma D

    I found your post while doing a search on "how to be more tactful" your column was not only the most entertaining but it has also been the most informative. I am a 44 year old hot single mom with a drgree from UCLA and yet im still very single.I have no problem meeting men but it seems Im always ostrisized (spelling?) because of my tactless behavior…at least this is my theory. I can be a smart ass Ill admit but I have a heart and I really dont mean to hurt anyone. Im only a smart ass if I feel they are on the same page with me. If they can handle it but I guess this barometer is off as well. So getting back to my problem…i feel as though Im being left out not invited to social gatherings in my "new" town.A small town as a single mom can be quite a lonely place if people dont like you. I want to learn but my problem is I dont understand what is is Im saying or doing that is rude..I only realize it when a close friend or ex boyfriend (i didnt believe him at first) pointed it out to me. So pleasse continue writing examples. Its the only thing I ve found so far to help me understand what NOT to say outloud.

  • DR MAD

    I found your post while doing a search on "how to be more tactful" your column was not only the most entertaining but it has also been the most informative. I am a 44-year-old hot single mom with a degree from UCLA and yet im still very single.I have no problem meeting men but it seems I'm always ostracized (spelling?) because of my tactless behavior…at least this is my theory.

  • Dr MAD

    I always get along with people from the east coast. I'm direct why is it ok to be direct on the east coast vs on the west? is it more than this? Am I still totally clueless as to what I saying "wrong". Why the hell is it so damn wrong to be brutally honest ..has our society embraced being fake over honesty? It's almost as if one can rise to fame and popularity just by being fake yet talking behind someones back is ok. this is the tactful way….in social etiquette. grrr one can say – it doesn't matter but when you are a single mom..it directly affects your child as well. They don't get invited because their parents are not welcome or their parent is not liked. They are affected and I wish society would stop catering to fake phony backstabbing, gossip and clicks..its just mean. being tactless is nothing in comparison.

  • Madiam

    Im direct and yes at times I can be a smarta$s – but Im only a smartas$ if I feel you're on the same page as me…i.e. we're debating in a heated debate and Ive said something funny – so lets laugh and move on…dude whats wrong did I hurt your feelings..aww come on we're debating get over it shake hands and lets move on. If I know I truly hurt someones feelings Ill apologize I have no problem and Im not talking to you if I dont like you in the first place. I dont want to hurt your feelings. so back to my problem – continue to write more on this subject of "Tact" cuz Im tired of trying to make people understand where Im coming from (if you cant beatm joinem)

  • Mad Mel

    I don't understand what is Im saying or doing that is rude..I only realize it when a close friend or ex boyfriend (i didn't believe him at first) pointed it out to me. So if you could continue to write examples as you did in this article….You may just be able to help change my life around and others in my same predicament. Keep up the good work you have a rare much-needed topic and you do it well