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Your Man is Gay, Now What?

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I learned a long time ago that if a woman starts her sentence starts with, “I know you not gon’…”, run like hell.

Gloria: Yeah, uh, I thought that maybe we, you know, like last time. 
David: I should be honest with you. 
Gloria: About what? 
David: About me. 
Gloria: What about you, hmm? 
David: Do you remember how I didn’t respond to you last time? 
Gloria: I thought it was because I gained weight and—
David: I have been bisexual for years. 
Gloria: Wait, what? 
David: You heard me right.  I’m gay. 
Gloria: David.  David, you don’t have to go to this extreme just because you don’t want—
David: Look, Gloria, I don’t have to lie about this.  I-I’ve lied too long as it is.  I am.
(Source: This week I’m not telling anyone where the quote is from.) 
 
[Dr. J is going to take this moment to let the music ride out similar to when Kanye West made Rick Ross wait to spit his verse on, Devil In A New Dress.]
 
Now let’s bring the heat.

So you just found out your man is gay.  Not your best day is it?  Well, since everyone claims that Washington, DC is the capital of the free world, I mean, gay world.  I should touch on this topic because in all honesty, I’ve seen this situation go down a few times and maybe a bit of insight can help some of y’all.
 
First things first, do not overreact.  I pray that you are not at a restaurant when this conversation goes down because if you front a woman in public, especially a Black woman, you’re likely to get stomped the f*ck out.  (Read: If you’re planning on coming out to your lady about being gay, do it in a private location, but first, take a moment to locate your nearest exits. #NoBrandonMarshall)
 
Second, don’t go around telling everybody, it’s not a good look for you.  Get yourself a bottle of wine and some alone time and work that situation out.  A few years back, I was at this lounge/bar in DC, called RNR, a guy I know had recently come out the closet to his friends and family.  One problem, he hadn’t told his girlfriend yet.  She walked into the bar and someone came up to her and asked her about it…
 
She passed the hell out like Eddie Murphy aunt in Delirious.  “Lord, Jesus, help me, take me now!
 
I saw this situation from afar and I wanted to tell her, “Baby girl, please get your behind up off the ground.”  It just wasn’t a good look for her.  And also, not this situation, but others, there’s a good chance that he’s telling you because he cares for you, but is not ready to come out the closet yet.  As a sidenote, people make a lot of money being a beard you should look into that if this happens to you.
 
Third, “Are any of yall into girls like I am let’s be honest…”  Keep it real, you kind of knew.  Something wasn’t adding up.  If you want me to keep it 100 for you, in my time, I know of personally about six men who came out the closet.  Like after college, anything that happens before you turn 21, we not talking about that right now.  I’m talking about a man on the struggle dating women, then one day says, “This isn’t really working out for me anymore,” and leaves the team like Bosh to go play with the heat.  Now out of those six, four of them, I always knew and just prayed that they would find the peace in their heart to accept who they were and the world would accept them too.  One of them sent a skeevy tweet one time and said, “Just put the finishing touches on my walk-in closet, I’m so proud of myself.”  #DrJBlankStare.  A few weeks later, he just went ahead and came out of that closet.  And the last, I had absolutely no clue.  But then again, he was a “man of God,” and #noshots at the Church because I love God and believe Jesus is my savior, but the church has been hiding male malfeasance for years.
 
Listen to me, the situation is going to happen to one of you.  And you’ve got to get it in your head that you’re not going to go out like Buju Banton.  Real talk, if Buju had left the gay community alone, he’d be chilling right now.  He got caught in Florida on a petty drug charge.  He couldn’t find a good lawyer because he kept making music against gays, and you know the Jewish and Homosexual community roll together.  (This should explain to you why Kobe got fined so fast, David Stern is the commissioner.)  The point is, it happens, what should we do?  Are we seriously going to get our panties in a bunch just because we find out that someone we care about is gay?  I speak for all mature men when I say this, “That’s h*e sh*t.”  Not me, not Dr. J, I think that everyone should do what works best for them.  If anything he can do me a solid by not coming to the club and stealing the attention of women who will dance like a ratchet with a gay dude all night, but give me church hugs when I walk by.
 
So yes, I feel bad for you.  I don’t like when people have their feelings hurt because they’ve been deceived.  I feel strongly about this and I pray that every member of the gay community finds the strength to find peace with who they are.  I will say in favor of the women who are married with children to men who come out of the closets; I think to put that woman in that position is a selfish act, but I understand why it happens.  However for those women, if he has the courage to come out, have the compassion to accept him.  He may still be the father of your child, there’s no reason why you all can’t be friends or at a minimum remain cordial.
 
Heck, you might even get a good lawyer out it.

Comment(180)

  1. This quote is from Waiting to Exhale…. why I knew that I don't know. but uh. naw son. this isn't happening to me. Im just not receiving that. lol

    1. Lol, I knew from the names too! I'm excited about the sequel and I hope the original cast returns. It sucks that Gregory Hines passed away.

  2. That is my Movie! I knew what it was from just seeing the names.

    Anywho, I have never been or known anyone in this situation and I'm sure it's hard for everyone involved. I have been there for a few people who have struggled to find the strength to let their family and other friends know. My heart breaks for them. Compassion is always good.

    Nice Post Doc.

  3. oh mannnn #idfainttoo

    that is all.

    i've no problem with you being gay. i've a problem with you doing bobby and then doing me and then pretending that bobby is your homeboy and y'all were playing basketball and not slappingballs. no sir. want to see an angry Muze… yeah. cheating in any way is deceitful and unacceptable. but lying about your sexual identity is just a whole other level of wrong.

    just be gay. i don't get the big deal anymore. i know and love some very awesome gay men who love their life. it's almost cool to be homosexual now anyhow, like being a mac and not a pc. lol. and chances are, your woman would respond a lot more positively than whomever else you're worried about once you discover/accept/realize this fact and are honest upfront. i'm all for people living their lives in the way that makes them happy. but don't trek mud from the backyard into my nice front one. allimsaying. i'm with HoneyBee… not receiving that. you can keep it. lol.

    1. it’s almost cool to be homosexual now anyhow, like being a mac and not a pc. lol.

      My MacBook Pro and I are slightly offended by your comparison. #TeamMac =/= #TeamSkittles

      1. LOL well, that's a paraphrased quote from a gay male friend. so… lol. he said i'm a PC because i'm too PC and he's a MAC because he's well, a Mack. lol.

        i cracked up. sorry. lol

    2. I don't think it is as easy as you are implying for a gay man to come out, especially a black gay man. My generation is more comfortable with homosexuals but not all people are and when someone chooses to come out they run the risk of being isolated and stigmatized by those that don't accept them, possibly including family members and close friends, that cannot be easy.

      You are somewhat making the situation about you, or the woman, and not the gay man who has to deal with being secure with his sexuality by saying he would be bringing mud to your yard. Like Dr, J said, I think it is selfish to drag a wife and kids into your life when you are not secure with yourself or the persona you are putting out, but if you are not quite at that level and your boyfriend comes to you and tells you he is gay I think that it is extremely selfish and inconsiderate to make the conversation about you and how he betrayed you. I would be devastated if this ever happened to me but I would also understand the courage and bravery it takes to admit to someone that you are gay.

      No matter how cool and hip it seems to be gay there are plenty of people who still do not accept them, to imply that homophobia doesn't exist and that it should be simple for someone to figure out that they are gay, immediately accept that, come out to the world and "just be gay, " is like saying race doesn't matter, its easy to be black, no one discriminates against us, just be Black. No matter how secure you are with your blackness there will always be times when you have to tone it down, code switch, press your hair whatever. There will always be people who don't like you for no other reason than the melanin in your skin, but we can't hide our blackness so we (hopefully) learn from an early age to be proud and secure in our skin. Being gay isn't as obvious or clear cut so initially most try to hide it to fit in. Being black and gay means that you experience two intersections of social inequality, similar to being black and female, and I would hope that as black females we would be able to sympathize and understand the difficulties that may come along with that intersecionality and have some compassion for our gay (ex)boyfriends if we were ever place in that situation.

      Sorry for the thesis….I kinda miss school lol

      1. Comparing skin color(being black) to one's sexual preference is wrong on all levels. being gay or hetrol is most of the time a choice, being born black,green ,blue yellow or white for that matter..well no body has a choice in that am tired of people thinking it is one and the same.

        1. That is your opinion, I don't think that sexuality is necessarily a choice and regardless if it is or isn't homosexuality is still stigmatized and homosexuals are still oppressed, just as people of color and women are oppressed and if you fall under more than one of these categories you face an intersecionality of social inequalities. Coming out as a homosexual means accepting that you will have to face social inequalities in life, just as you do being black or being a woman, I am not saying that those inequalities are the same. I am merely using skin color and gender as a comparison to homosexuality because the Western world is controlled by white heterosexual males so anyone outside of that is oppressed… essentially we are all different sections of the same boat.

        2. I think people choose to be gay in the same way we chose to be straight. Well I know I didnt make a consious choice to be straigt. I just am.

        3. I think people choose to be gay in the same way we chose to be straight. Well I know I didnt make a consious choice to be straight. I just am.

      2. You are somewhat making the situation about you, or the woman, and not the gay man who has to deal with being secure with his sexuality by saying he would be bringing mud to your yard. Like Dr, J said, I think it is selfish to drag a wife and kids into your life when you are not secure with yourself or the persona you are putting out, but if you are not quite at that level and your boyfriend comes to you and tells you he is gay I think that it is extremely selfish and inconsiderate to make the conversation about you and how he betrayed you. I would be devastated if this ever happened to me but I would also understand the courage and bravery it takes to admit to someone that you are gay.

        the mud from the backyard into my front was a rather veiled way of being crass. it was meant to be lighthearted, as was the whole comment, but it would be about me first if a man i'd been sleeping with came and told me he'd also been sleeping with men. when someone cheats on someone, the first thing the other (responsible, rational) person thinks, is i need to go to the doctor/clinic, and i can't pretend that i wouldn't be doubly concerned if he said it was a man that he was sleeping with. self-preservation is immediate for most when we feel our health is at risk, and i'd be upset more at the fact that he lied than the fact that he was gay. yes it takes courage to tell someone, but who more deserves to know than your significant other? the amount of calm i'd have would be directly related to how long he consciously knew he liked men, and how long he'd been actively dating men in correlation to dating me. it's about the deceit, not him being gay.

        this is one of those topics for me that i just don't yield on. simply because i remember clear as day being called into a emergency student body meeting by the dean of Spelman College during my freshman year a week after an AUC blood drive. she said 40% of the blood had to be thrown out due to it being infected, and that 50% of that 40 had come from Spelman. she then went on to give us the harshest tongue-lashing about being careful with who you sleep with and using protection, etc.. because as everyone is aware, atlanta is kind of known for the mysterious down-low phenomenon.

        No matter how cool and hip it seems to be gay there are plenty of people who still do not accept them, to imply that homophobia doesn’t exist and that it should be simple for someone to figure out that they are gay, immediately accept that, come out to the world and “just be gay, ” is like saying race doesn’t matter, its easy to be black, no one discriminates against us, just be Black.

        i know that the black community doesn't necessarily accept it with open arms initially, but as i stated in my original comment, i know and know of (through various circles) A LOT of black gay men who weren't "out" when i met them. my godbrother being the closest. i know how my dad felt (same way he would if i told him i was homosexual) and his mom felt and i believe i was one of the first people he told because he knew i'd not judge. the shock is sometimes overwhelming for older generations. but relatively quickly, they both got over it, and accepted him for who he was. i know that it happens, but most of them who i know personally had no problems with their circle of friends accepting the news. now their places of employment, well that was different for a few. two of them still haven't told anyone at their jobs. but here's the great thing about work. it's work and can be separated from your home life.

        comparing being homosexual to being black is just … it's a debate i've had before and one i'm not going to dive into today. i'll just say that i disagree. fervently. apples and watermelon, in my opinion. i have gay friends that don't even subscribe to this.

      3. I'm going to just go ahead and say this wasn't a thesis, it was a dissertation.

        And I never seen so many consecutive red tagged comments.

        1. I know! Damn my second day back on these e-streets and I have hella dislikes! Its okay tho they aren't gonna scare me back into my lurkers corner, we are all entitled to an opinion, at least I got Kema!

    3. <blockquote cite="comment-306257">

      Muze: i’ve no problem with you being gay. i’ve a problem with you doing bobby and then doing me and then pretending that bobby is your homeboy and y’all were playing basketball and not slappingballs. no sir. want to see an angry Muze… yeah. cheating in any way is deceitful and unacceptable. but lying about your sexual identity is just a whole other level of wrong.

      Yup… you said it all for me.

  4. "Are we seriously going to get our panties in a bunch just because we find out that someone we care about is gay? "

    Hell yes we are! If you are just having "feelings" that's one thing. A discussion should be had and then I can have some empathy for the situation but if you have ACTED on those feelings and are trying to date me we are going to have SERIOUS problems son!

    I live in ATL so um ur ummm I ASK questions straight up! Have you ever been to jail for a significant period of time? Have you ever had sex with a man? How do you feel about a man giving you brain? I have more explicit questions I will not say here……..but this is serious business.

    To thine own self be true!

    1. no offense,but is there really a point in asking if the dude has slept with another dude? i mean that's why it's called the 'down low',-he's not gonna say yes if he is on it…i might ask if he is bisexual but if he is openly bi i'm sure he'd let you know…i'd rather watch for certain clues and whatnot…i can understand the 'have you been to jail' or ' do you have kids' questions but a lot of men gon lie about those so…

      1. You have a point there. If he's hiding the fact that he's gay, the chances of a guy answering yes to those questions is pretty slim. Knowing me, I would still ask the questions but then pay attention to his actions.

      2. Just because a person is going to lie doesn't mean the question shouldn't be asked. You'd be surprised how much of the truth you will get by just asking. What clues are you watching for because being able to read body language when the questions are asked is answer enough for me.

      3. There is nothing wrong with asking a dude if he's slept with other men. I always tell women they need to ask all the questions they need to feel comfortable with letting a man take it to that level.

        Entrapment is real in the field. If she ask then she can make her choices accordingly, if she don't that's on her when she catch her man in the shower sanging "Do the stanky leg.. the stanky leg… the booty-do … the booty-do…"

        It's her fault for not asking, if that matter to her and whatnot.

  5. I'd like to say that i'd handle my SO coming out the closet in a mature, compassionate way (I'd like to say I'd never fall for a gay man because my gaydar is on point), but I just don't know. I would've liked to think I would've been more understanding about addiction too. You never know until you're in that situation and the deception that wastes years of people lives and the pain caused would be a lot tro get over. I understand (to an extent) how men find themselves in that situation, but that understanding is easier to come by from an outside perspective. I never want to find out firsthand which is why I'll never live in Atlanta.

    On another note, I'm certain J likes to see my BP rise because it's well documented that I abhor homophobia and I'm not so sure this comment section won't erupt tomorrow.

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-306296">

      sanen85:

      I never want to find out firsthand which is why I’ll never live in Atlanta.

      I had to the job moved me here LOL – but on a serious note – its everywhere – in every major city you can think of.

  6. On the flip side…..can bisexual women stop assuming that every man will be turned on by their bisexuality. And that every man wants to date a bisexual female.

    Look…….when I fantisize about being with two women……my idck is the star of the show. I'm not on the sideline watchin two brawds get it in.

    I think women are just as quick to hide their homosexuality if they think you won't accept it. Or I think sometimes they just assume you will be cool with it.

    1. Places gun on asphalt and steps away, "You gotta fight your own battles around here Zo."

      (Source: Still not telling anybody where these movies quotes are coming from)

      I came home one time and tried to pass out on my bed and two women were on it PCP-high naked getting it in. I went in the dining room got me a folding chair, went to the fridgerator and got two sugarless Red Bulls and went right back in room and shut the door. Yep, i'll watch. If you can't be in it, the next best alternative is watching, come on son.

  7. I think you were harsh with the girl who fainted…..

    Interesting points…they may be the right thing to do but i just dont know how practical some are (to me that is)…acceptance is a huge last step especially if the cause was driven by selfishness!!! Anyways, sounds like someone is pleading thier case here…if u want me to be Jesus, dont sin otherwise dont ask me to be cause i cant!!

  8. Honestly J, I don't think alot of women DO KNOW…many of these dudes come off very masculine, thuggish even…and they are deliberate in their attempts to hide who they are..they pursue women regularly while they get it in with other dudes on the side..I'm sorry, but that is the most selfish behavior..and it really angers me….I don't think they want to come out of the closet…because they don't want to be labeled gay..but, if you have ever had relations with a person of the same sex…and regularly engage in this…you are gay. They are too cowardly to come out..so, they involve women in their diry little schemes….

    You said don't overreact…are you serious? you just find out a man you love and care about is cheating on you with other dudes…you are going to react how you react.I would expect an overreaction. He is lucky she didn't blow his brains out..not that I condone that..but, that could have happened..she fainted. he got off easy. He should have told her FIRST or at the same time that he told everyone else.

    Don't go around telling everybody…"because it's not a good look for you"…I say, tell everyone…I say shout in unto the hills….so, now the woman is supposed to participate in the deception now? Now she is supposed to go get her some wine and suffer in silence…nah, I don't think so.

    Lastly, the problem is these men are destroying women by the numbers…and not at all considering coming out..or the DL community wouldn't be so large. If they would come out..or at least let these women know you deal with men sometimes..let them decide what they want to do next…these men are deceiving people on all levels..and they seem to have no qualms about it and women are dying…hello?

    I applaud any homosexual person is out and living their authentic life..but, if you are out here fronting like you are a straight man, pursuing women, lying…practing unsafe s*x with dudes and then dealing with women..you should be ashamed of yourself..and get your sh*t together….stop being a coward.

    If I am offending any DL brothers then so be it. I hope I am.

    1. I am very wary of the DL argument that is "destroying women by the numbers"…

      How about women not willing to protect themselves, or take responsibility for their bodies…

      If you don't protect yourself… No one gave you anything!

      I don't have the numbers in front of me… But I think straight men are doing more damage to women than DL/gay men…

      Either way, that is very hard to quantify…

      Other than that… I am apart of #TeamUpFront #TeamCommunicate except when I am trying to get some p*ssy

    2. I agree. Deception is dangerous. Its selfish for a guy to tell everyone news that his lady should know AFTER everyone else knows. Not the way to find out anything important…

      But I think Dr. J's suggestion to keep it to yourself was concerning managing the relationship after the fact. Everyone doesn't need to know every detail of your relationship. IF the issues are going to actively be ironed out, then there's no point in putting your business out there. In that sense it's really not a good look. However, if there's no reconciliation, definitely get you a blow horn.

    3. I had said this on twitter but I know like four girls that I dated who are lesbians now. I ain't really like fielding questions about chicks from my past with, "Oh she straight, she's a lesbian now." Because that sort of sound like i'm the n*gga who f*cked it up so bad that she don't even like men no more. But that wasn't the case with anyone those chicks. That's why i'm like, don't tell everyone because you don't want people to get the idea that you drove him gay, or that you don't know how to pick men.

    4. I know I am late to the party but you seem to conflate two different issues. There is a categorical difference between cheating on a woman w/ a man and just being gay/DL/whatever you call it. I think that your comment is actually indicative a different kind of homophobia. Its almost like you want your gay men to come in a certain box. They have to be a certain way. You seem to suggest that everyone should be upfront w/ their sexuality to appease you. I think that is an outrageous assertion because imagine if we did that with other components of our sexual lives. Imagine if women were forced to tell the real amount of men they've been with? Or dudes were forced to tell how many trains they've partaken in? I dont think those are truths that we would champion. I think we should be asking DL/gay/whatever you call men to be honest when they have taken unduly risky behavior such as unprotected sex. But isnt that what we should ask of everyone?

      "I don’t think they want to come out of the closet…because they don’t want to be labeled gay..but, if you have ever had relations with a person of the same sex…and regularly engage in this…you are gay." – I just dont understand how people can define someone's sexuality. I dont know that man, so how can i say what he is or isnt?

      "They are too cowardly to come out..so, they involve women in their diry little schemes" – More proof that you've conflated two different issues. DL dudes who freak dudes w/o rubbers and spread disease are no bueno. But you've made broad sweeping assumptions about every dude who has ever had chex w/ a dude.

      I do agree w/ you that it is cowardly to cheat on a woman while running around claiming to be straight but freaking dudes, but i also think its cowardly to cheat period.

      Ultimately, I wont lose an ounce of sleep about this issue, mostly b/c I'm not gay. However, I think your comment was better as a sound byte than when we actually think about what you said.

      Next week, I'm gonna say that all the women who dont come out and admit that they're a ho3 for sleeping w/ random dudes on random nights are cowards

  9. Betrayal is betrayal, so I would be pissed because I got cheated on in general. Now if we are just dating and this happens then I’ll just charge that to the game. However, if my husband told me he was loving another man down, we would have a problem. How dare you disrespect my mind, body, and our vows by lying to me? You knew you liked Ricky the whole time. If your scared to come out of the closet then you need to be single. So your just going to embarrass me and possibly make me a single parent.You just wasted years of my life where I could have found a straight man to love and cherish me.

    I love hard, so I can guarantee that I would never speak to him again outside of the kids. I may forgive you, but I don't have to be your friend. I don't have a heaven or hell to put you in, but I can put you out of my circle. I’m all for being true to yourself, but don’t bring me into that mess. I’d be paranoid to date any man that had any similar traits and that’s not fair to me. I’m not asking for perfection, but I do require honestly, loyalty, and trust. I would take the time to pray and heal from the situation and move forward.

  10. Is that scene from Waiting to Exhale? I think it is…

    Anywho, I think you gave some sound advice. One more thing I would add is don't take it personal after he reveals this to you because it's not about you. 

  11. I don't have a long comment for this. [For those who haven't experienced this before] I know how everyone (read: females) believes they would react if put in a situation like this. Compassionate, scene-less, cool, calm, collected/collective yadda yadda. But that's crazy and you never know until it really happens. I can't sit here and tell you how I'd react. Sure, every situation depends. It could be a simple mutual like or you both could have fallen in love and he tells you later. The hurt can vary and so can the reaction.

  12. #idfainttoo

    Tell me not to faint?! "Not a good look for me?" Are you kidding? His sleeping w/ men and then sleeping w/ me is 'not a good look for me.' I'd probably seize on spot… Unless it was made clear that he has not in fact been creeping he just knows where his feelings are leading him… and that is away from women. NOW that, I'd still be like O_O b/c I'd like to think I could detect those things but I'd 1000% respect him and could probably salvage our relationship in a friendship.

    I had this happen to a GF and she handled it like a champ. I don't know what her first reaction was but then again it was a little different b/c there had been no cheating, he just kinda knew it was that time.

  13. One of the more interesting conversations I ever had in my life was had at a Congressional Black Caucus event about 4 or 5 years ago. I was there chillin, it was the usual CBC type event with half the people on their 'fake it till you make it g' and the other half, who were actually about something, trying to come up on some thirsty buns. So, a young lady and I end up sitting at the table. Eventually we get to talking about our respective relationships.

    Long story long, she ends up telling me how she's been with her guy for like 3 years, he's a minister – but they engage in all manner of intimacy, and they're considering taking that next step and getting married. Her most major reservation was that he confessed to her that, while in college, at Morehouse, he had engaged in some homosexual activities with men there. His explanation to her was that, at Morehouse, that was just the culture and that, since then, he's never had homosexual desires or inclinations. (#NoShots at Morehouse, just telling a story.) She asked me what I thought. I really didn't know what to say, so I kept it real. I told her that I believe human sexuality is a spectrum. You have some people who are all the way at one end and only like men, or only like women, then you have people who fall somewhere in between. But where ever you fall, I think you are there forever. Like, if that spectrum was from -10 to +10 with -10 being 100% straight and +10 being 100% gay, if you're a +3, you're a +3 for life.

    I have no idea what became of her or her situation.

    Generally speaking, I think we all need to be more tolerant of homosexuality. The guys that I know who have come out to me, and not the world, I encourage them to come out. And I also encourage my guy friends who are a little homophobic to grow up and at least keep that ish to themselves. It's better for everybody if we're more tolerant. If we're more tolerant, people will be more inclined to come out of the closet, and we'll have less women out there who have to go through the conversation Dr. J quoted above.

      1. Exactly and some men will tell you the truth. I know some women who don't care (Yes, there are women who will roll regardless for their own various reasons)

    1. I agree with your last paragraph, but I've never liked the word "tolerate" when it comes to this subject. I think accept or acknowledge are better words.

      Just semantics I guess *shrug*

      1. I don't think everyone has to accept homosexuality. I think people who disagree with it because of strict adherence to the particular beliefs of their religion have the right to not be accepting. But I do think they should be tolerant. And I think homosexuals should be tolerant but not necessarily accepting of religious folks who don't accept their way of life. The ability to be tolerant but not accepting is a foundational principle a free societies.

        1. I'm pickin up what you're putting down. That definitely gives me somethings to think about and discuss with others.

          Such a smarty 🙂

    2. Why was my mouth hanging open at this story? I mean, I think the most shocking thing is that she was considering marrying him still. I think he is relying on his religion to keep in on the straight and narrow and that whole Moorehouse thing – sorry, **no shots** but I shudder. I think once a man goes down that road he will always desire to revisit that road.

      1. Ummm, yeah. I agree with "I think once a man goes down that road he will always desire to revisit that road". That's all I'm gonna say for now b/c I'm trying to formulate a response and it's not coming out right.

    3. I don't know dawg, that staying there thing is odd. I do believe people try things and then realize they didn't like it. I never had to go that Bosh route, but there are things of a sexual manner that I tried and later on took a shower and was like, "I'm never doing that to a girl … AGAIN." So I don't know. I think you threw people for a loop because there were so many twists to that story, but let me say this…

      Women keep their men from effing other women by marrying them and locking them up in a house or at work all the time. The same can keep your man from effing other men. Cheating is cheating. I bet you that couple is married because women think like that.

      1. Huh?

        If a man want's to cheat he will…there is no such thing as locking somebody up in a house..*unless they are literally chained up*..lol.

        Cheating is cheating..that I agree with.

        1. You really trying to tell me you never heard of a woman basically locking a dude down. Not letting him go out without her, moving him to a different city, snooping and screening? You really want me to believe that you don't know not ONE woman or SEVERAL women who have done that. I'm young and I already have seen former classmates do that with HS and college sweethearts… if you haven't then maybe i'm in the wrong circle.

        2. To stand on Dr. J shoulders… women do that ALOT…

          Another example would be a woman micromanaging a guys life… basically under a light surveillance…

          And also buying a man wack clothes to make him look more unattractive to women…

          Women are always competing with other women…

      2. Brotha J-

        Yes, I have heard of it..but, in my 43 years on this earth…I don't personally know anyone in my circle of family/friends who has done that…and more importantly I don't know any man who would allow it. Maybe, I need to live a little longer to see it…..lol.

    4. I agree, Most. I think as a culture we perpetuate people trying to hide who they are. Yes, in the past decade or so there has been an increase in gay tolerance, but tolerance and acceptance are two different issues. There are people who fear being rejected by friends and family, and homophobia is ever present. I say live and let live. You wanna be with dudes, do you. As long as no one's trying to cross any lines with me, we can be cool.

      Now, as far as gay men lying to women about their sexuality… that is some pretty dirty ish. But it's a Catch-22. If the guy were honest there likely wouldn't be too many women lining up to be his experimental GF while he tried figuring out which team he's gonna bat for. Just a thought.

  14. I'd probably be worried about HIV first and foremost. I would run to the doctor and have my blood tested. I think that would frighten me the most, the fact that you put my health and possibly my life in danger because you wanted to hide your dirty little secret.

    Once I got past that fear, I would probably sit down and have a conversation with him about coming out being the best for all parties involved…and let him get on with his life.

    Other than that, I do believe that I'm in tune with what is going on around me and don't forsee ever being in a situation like this one. I just wish everyone the best who has to endure such stress in their lives.

    1. Good point Red! No one else actually said anything about the hiv. Thought it, but I didn't want my comment to come out ignorant. You found better words. So thank you! Lol

  15. I have absolutely no problem if someone I know or cares about is gay and comes out to me. What I do have a problem with is someone I'm sleeping with is gay and/or comes out to me. One of the biggest lessons i've learned about relationships is that first I have to be selfish and worry about my needs or I won't be happy or satisfied in and out of bed. If you do me wrong, I can't be worrying about your feelings.

    So for me I probably wouldn't stop feeling selfish and judgmental towards that person until I stopped having feelings for them, and even then I'd probably feel some kinda way about them. After all this isn't about you being tired of my cooking and want to try something new, this is you being allergic to every meal I've served.

    I hope it never happens to me

      1. I think the crazy would come out of me as well. If I were in this situation I hope that I have enough sense to just go and take a long walk so I don't do/say anything I would regret later.

        1. <blockquote cite="comment-306593">

          TellyLongLegs:

          I think the crazy would come out of me as well. If I were in this situation I hope that I have enough sense to just go and take a long walk so I don’t do/say anything I would regret later.

          Ain't that the truth, the best thing he could do is catch me when I'm already on my way to yoga, that would be me time, and the proper forum, to get my mind rightor plan how to get away with murder

        2. Lol!! Before yoga wouldn't work for me. His best bet is to tell me before I go to kickboxing class. Kicking a bag with his imaginary face on it would do me better than doing the tree pose.

        3. lol, I thought about that but then I realized that I would want to practice what I learnt in class at home and since I don't own a punching bag, I'd have to improvise 😉

  16. Is this topic really such a prevalent issue in the Black Community that women need a guide to deal with it? Is the likelyhood of being into this type of situation for a black woman that likely?

    I just refuse to believe it.

    1. Fam, where do you stay at? Women in DC, NYC, Atlanta and Philly are afraid of good brothers because they seriously, SERIOUSLY, fear that he may be on the low. There are countless women who probably won't say this today on the blog, but they've been interested in a man and found out through research that he was in fact a down low brother. I want to call it an epidemic, but I don't want Slim Rothstein to sanction me. It's an epidemic that we have the down low phenomenon, it's sad that we have so many Black men who feel the need to hide who they really are, but in a selfish act decide to portray that which they are not. It's sad. And it's happening, #everydayb.

      1. I'm in NYC, and from the women I have umm.. "interacted" with, I have never heard one saying this has happened to them, or have heard stories about it. I was hoping for women sakes that this isn't an epidemic.. it just makes me sick to my stomach.

        True story though, when I started my professional career and was dressing nice on the Subway, I always look around the car and into people's faces (taught as a sign of respect to make eye contact). Quite a few times I have been disturbed when my eyes would catch a dude staring just a little too long for my comfort with a glean in their eyes.

        Those drinks I offered a few post back J, we may have to postpone… #No(Back)Shots

        1. Naw we good. I been saving that French Connection order for that drink. You know how cats do, sit back, talk about college and h*es and ish. I'm just saying it happens like everyday. Being out in DC … and actually wait, i'm not going to ether my organizational affiliations be it interfraternally or not. I'll holla, lol.

    2. DeKeLa – I don't normally comment but had to make a comment to you about this. I live in Atlanta and I have dated a guy who I really believe is gay. I even call him gay to his face in an argument and he didn't make mention of me saying it.

      Also, I have several gay male friends here and have gone to a very popular black gay club him with them and men have actually hit on me in the gay club. Believing that since I was a women in there that I was ok with them being gay or bi or whatever.

      It truly is an epidemic in NYC as well as men from NYC come here to party ALL THE TIME.

    3. <blockquote cite="comment-306504">

      DeKeLa: Is this topic really such a prevalent issue in the Black Community that women need a guide to deal with it? Is the likelyhood of being into this type of situation for a black woman that likely?I just refuse to believe it.

      I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING! I guess it is where you grew up and/or live. I've never understood this whole DL brother phenom or "epidemic." I remember when it all came to the forefront about a decade back, probably from Oprah or Waiting to Exhale, I cant remember. Then it seemed like folks just ran with it. If you were a successful black male – and heaven forbid single – then you HAD to be gay or into white women. I mean, is it really that crazy out here?

      Some of yall read that lighthearted post I wrote about over on my website the other day and that's pretty much the only "DL" brother I ever came across. Maybe there were more but since they were DL I, like everyone else, didn’t know. I'm just wondering are people making a mountain out of a hill? I've always assumed it's blown out of proportion. Then again, I've never lived in DC or ATL, cities that seem to dominate the majority of these conversations.

      1. I love how every single comment you post on here artfully includes a reference to a post on your blog. Your shameless plugging skills are so on point 🙂

      2. thanks WIM, I was wondering if I was alone in my thinking and that I am really this oblivious. I guess DC and ATL really are that bad.. I'm going to use this to my advantage when I make the move there. I'm going to walk around with a sign around my neck saying "LIMITED TIME OFFER>> STRAIGHT SINGLE BLACK MALE WITH A CAREER!! ONLY (REAL) WOMEN NEED APPLY"

        I wonder how successful I'll be…

        1. Straight Single Black Males in Atlanta often turn into Straight Single Black H*es in Atlanta. When real women discern an authentic male he becomes prime real estate, especially when he can boast "with a career". Get your mind right before you come (or not). It might be like taking a trip to Brazil.

      3. "I remember when it all came to the forefront about a decade back, probably from Oprah or Waiting to Exhale, I cant remember."

        Uhhh. Nope, that was E. Lynn Harris (RIP) his books brought the DL madness to the forefront.

        1. GIRL. i had to stop reading E.Lynn Harris books for a while, and i love his writing. but he had me seriously side-eyeing EVERY eligible bachelor that approached me. all his characters would be these great men with great women and then one day slip and kiss a dude or get seduced somehow. oh gosh i was so paranoid for a long while. i literally thought every black man was on the DL. lol.

        2. LOL hey i was young (in HS) and impressionable. just being honest. i'd never even heard of men being secretly gay before reading his books.

      4. Man it irks me when people are quick to throw Atlanta under the bus. Yes there are probably more openly gay men running around but its a large city, of course you'll see more! I frequent Atlanta and outside of Lennox on a saturday afternoon/evening its like any other city I have been to.

        1. FTR, I wasnt throwing Atlanta under the bus but it is the city most often referenced. I dont think that can be argued. Personally, since I dont live there, I dont care. I didnt want folks thinking I was throwing sub-shots though.

        2. #nosign

          I was stuck in traffic on Peachtree on the way to the club and the whole right side of the street for about four blocks looked like a parade in Key West. I wasn't tripping, but I asked why it was nothing but n*ggas over there and no women to be found…. then I noticed one of them dudes had a perm and a Gucci bag.

          I have never seen this in another city. And I live in Washington, DC.

        3. @Animate I understand it irks you but ATL was voted the gayest city in America for 2010. So people kinda have a reason to mention ATL first.

          @Dr. J when I first moved here I thought that particular spot may be a gentleman's club until I saw a dude in tight jeans and heels higher than the ones I was wearing.

        4. I gotta go head an nosign this too…

          I was in Lennox Mall. I had a woman approach me and ask me where I was from and had a convo with me where she said "I had to talk to you because you dont know what we dealing with in here. the men….smh"

          I saw woman look at me and my boys with cautious optimism… I saw the hurt in their eyes wondering if dudes had some type of gay in them, as if every string in their heart had been betrayed and hoodwinked by a DL brother.

          This was in ATL my G. The struggle is REAL!

  17. I'm somewhat glad this topic was brought up so kudos to Dr. J for that.

    I think that people should be open about their sexual preferences but not everyone is. I imagine out can be extremely difficult to disclose any homo or bisexuality that one has to some individuals. With that said, when is the "right" time to bring this up since some women have it as part of their checklist.

    The main thing I want to emphasize is to please dont let this feed into the paranoia that some huge amount of black men are living some double life where they are hiding their sexuality because its pretty ridiculous at times. The lovely part is that the same women that are quick to ask are the same women that would be offended if someone asked then the same question.

    Bottom line: be safe and get tested.

    1. I agree – with all the gay culture that surrounds me daily here I still believe that there are still countless beautiful straight black men everywhere.

  18. <blockquote cite="comment-306514">

    Dr. J: You really trying to tell me you never heard of a woman basically locking a dude down. Not letting him go out without her, moving him to a different city, snooping and screening? You really want me to believe that you don’t know not ONE woman or SEVERAL women who have done that. I’m young and I already have seen former classmates do that with HS and college sweethearts… if you haven’t then maybe i’m in the wrong circle.

    Yes!! I know quite a few women who've tried to do this and guess what they drove themselves bat shyte crazy because while she out here trying to play CO/Warden she was also neglecting herself physically/socially/spritually. I'm sorry but I feel sorry for women who feel the need to do this because at the end of the day if he wants to slide off he will slide.

  19. Just a few thoughts:

    I think it is possible to have had homo sexual expieriences and not be gay. Our sexuality is influenced by many factors that change over time. A dude that has gay sex in jail is probably not gay. But given his options….its either that or nothing. Many women claim to be lesbians after they have been ufcked over by a bunch of dudes. BS. You're just tired of gettin ufcked over. I've said before I think sexual orientation is a subconcious or unconcious choice.

    Whenever people talk about a guy can't do anything gay and still be straight….Eddie Murphy comes to mind. I don't think anybody would question that Eddie likes women. Beautiful women. But it is also pretty clear he likes men as well. I think there are people that are truly bi sexual and some whose prefferences change from year to year. I think the question that is more important is who is this person now? Do I trust them.

    This goes back to the discussion we had a few weeks ago about a persons sexual history. Should we judge them on that? My answer is still "No." Judge them on who they are now.

    Why are we asking about homosexual expieriences anyway? What's next? Do we really need people to fill out a legal accounting of everything they have ever done sexually.

    The real question is do you trust this person? Does this person have HIV? You can clear both of those questions up real fast without getting into sexual history. If a dude is a cheater does it really matter if he is gonna cheat with a male or female? If a dude is not a cheater…than he won't cheat on you…even if he has homosexual urges.

    I think people that get hung up on sexual history are really asking the wrong questions.

    1. Do you remember that face that Riley used to make when he looked at those dudes doing "the homie"? Yeah, that's actually my face right now.

    2. "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

      But nah dude, you are on your own with that comment.

    3. "A dude that has gay sex in jail is probably not gay." *blink blink*

      Oy Vey!!!!

      You know, my girlfriend's ex boyfriend had the nerve to tell her something like this because she started questioning certain things about his behavior and he told her that getting dome from a dude in jail was okay and if you had chex just as long as you were not the bottom (receiver) it didn't make you gay. Men tend to rationalize things like this when on lockdown so I can totally understand why women would want to ask a dude his history on incarceration.

      1. Basically all I'm sayin is what most scientist and psychologist will tell you….the human brain adapts for survival. If you put a dude in solitary for a year….gurantee eventually he will begin to talk to himself. This is how the brain adapts. Will it adapt your sexual preference? Probably. Whether you act on it is the choice.

        Hey I hate to stereotype….but most of them dom lesbians are fat and butt ugly. Are they really gay? Or did they just adapt their preferences since men generally find them unattractive.

        1. I see where you coming from … but i'm sitting in my house, peeking through the blinds, at your crib from across the street. Just so you know all the details. A dude in solitary who starts beating his meat, ok that's cool, if I ever get locked please send me the Reality Kings Weekly every month and keep it trilla for a G like me and know that snitches get stitches and my face still look like this. Now a dude in general pop who starts performing sexual acts with men is gay. He is gay. Peep game, not everybody in Sodom and Gomorrah was participating in the foolishness. You may be in a bad situation that don't mean you just going to give in to that life.

          Like last year a lot of people wanted to go to the World Cup, I didn't want to go, I done heard their president talk about HIV and I was like, "Cuz said rinse out your condoms" the people there elected this guy. I ain't going over there without Bear Grylls, Moshi Levi Ben-David and Trevell Coleman … nope. And if I do, a woman walking around with a handwritten note that says, "Dis girl here does nt have HIV" will not suddenly become attractive to me.

      2. actually there is a term for it called men sleeping with men or MSM. It is not the same thing as being homosexual. I can't tell you if I believe in that fully, but I can tell you that many people see it as simply reacting to their physical desires to ejaculate with the only entity around, especially within the confines of prison.

        1. Yeah…..I mean 20 years ago when I was young I would probably react the way other people have to what I wrote. "If you do anything with someone that is the same sex as you; you are gay!!"

          But being older and having seen people switch teams. And then switch teams again. And as you mentioned, knowing some of the science behind this stuff.

          I know the brain makes choices, makes deals and weighs options on a subconcious level. This is why you are supposed to "sleep on" a tough decision.

          Everyone that is in a homosexual relationship or has engaged in a homosexual act is not a born homosexual. The potential to act in a homosexual way exist within all of us. Some will never act it out. Some will. But the potential is their.

          It's your environment, values, expierience etc etc that determine whether you engage.

          It's funny how we always talk about dudes or females turning gay. I've know dudes that were straight feminine sissies growing up….that suddenly changed for whatever reason and dropped all that feminine behavior. That's why when I see all these youngsters today claiming they are gay…..I just think "you are too young to even know what you are. Last year you thought you were a power ranger." ROFL

        2. Rationalization…. *smh*

          But here's the thing, do they abruptly stop "MSM" upon release/parole???…

        3. MSM is not homosexual.

          Yep, remember when the Haitians claimed they weren't Black back in the day.

          BLOWOUT SALE!!! EVERYTHING MUST GO!!! STORE CLOSING!!!

          Item #214: Brooklyn Bridge …. 50% OFF.

        4. @GirlSixx

          its not rationalization, IMO but you believe what you believe. and to answer your question, yes.

          if you allow a man to blow you because you like blow jobs, or you are a "top" because you want your d*ck wet in a tight crevice, that's very different than being the person doing the blowing or being the "bottom"–but those individuals within the prison system are usually forced, so I wouldn't call them gay either. But the difference between the former is they made the choice versus the latter didn't.

          having said all this, I wouldn't date a man that has been in prison.

        5. @Il Duce

          Im sorry im as mature as the next dude, but if you have sx with men you are gay to me… eff a circumstance.

          Thats like when dudes used to clown and use the "I just fell in the pums" excuse with their girlfriends… come on now

          Also for your little frat comment…. u know what? Ima chill..

          @Dr Jay – You MUST chill with that Haitian reference… maybe that was in DC but NOT NYC!

    4. Do we really need people to fill out a legal accounting of everything they have ever done sexually.

      If a woman wants to deal with me seriously, at some point I want to know what her body count is…

  20. <blockquote cite="comment-306518">

    Dr. J: Naw we good. I been saving that French Connection order for that drink. You know how cats do, sit back, talk about college and h*es and ish. I’m just saying it happens like everyday. Being out in DC … and actually wait, i’m not going to ether my organizational affiliations be it interfraternally or not. I’ll holla, lol.

    LMAO!! No need to ether any orgs, we all know what the deals. Some things known need not be spoken. Wait… That sounded like a DL brother quote…. I'm done…

  21. See this post right here makes me want to give up on men! but its so real. Too real.

    My bestfriend, (a guy) is gay. For the first year of our friendship he dated girls and denied being gay..oneday he just came out and told me and honestly I know several other men that are in the closet, still dating/having sex with women. This is not speculation, its the truth. When I say several, its at least 5—is that not 1 too many?

    A girlfriend of mine introduced me to a guy she's dating last month, she told me she suspects he is gay but she will still screw him until he admits it. I had 3 glasses of wine by then, so we just laughed it off but the next day I was like, wow.

    But…if MY boyfriend revealed he was gay–that would be something totally different.

    Dr. J you should extend this post with more tips on how to handle it.

    If I said that I dont think its a huge issue in the black community, I'd be lying to myself.

    1. I always throw a precautionary flag when one of my female friends hits me up and asks me a question like:

      Question,

      (1) Have you ever been to a gay club, like with your boys?

      (2) What do you think about a guy who wears makeup, like he's really into bodybuilding so I thought it was because of that?

      (3) Do you think it's anything wrong with him being in his mid-thirties and still living with two other men?

      Ima keep it 100, (I don't know why men feel the need to say that before they say something borderline reckless), but my homegirl showed me a text from her man at the time and it read:

      "Would I? No, probably not you because you'd probably think I was gay. But I would let my ex do it."

      They was talking about strap-ons. I ain't say nothing, I just was like, "Can I get another magarita, no salt on the rim?"

      1. <blockquote cite="comment-306576">

        Dr. J: They was talking about strap-ons. I ain’t say nothing,

        This makes me wonder… What is the limit on an intimate act being considered gay? What if it was just her finger?

        1. I know many people don't agree–as sooooo many people are quick to call anything dare I say "kinky" gay these days, but any sexual behavior with a man and a woman is heterosexual as long as both of you prefer opposite gender sex is how I see it. Now if it were my man I'd want to know how/when he decided that type of play was arousing to him, and did he first experience that with a woman or a man. and I'd go from there with determining what I thought about his sexuality.

        2. Thank you!!! Not all gay men go for anul. The #1 chex act that gay men indulge in is of an oral nature and guess what? Straight men like that too!

          I dont believe an intimate act can be gay… It depends on who you want to join you in that act.

        3. THISSSS!

          *stomps feet*

          THIS.

          If it's not for you, cool. But that doesn't make it "gay".

        4. Yo chill… if your man asks you to put on a strap-on and do him in the butt, get worried. Get "Anderson Cooper with no shirt on" worried.

  22. I lived in Atlanta 23 years out of my 27 years on Earth and I've heard it all and seen it all when it comes gay men. I've had friends purposely date a man she knew was gay even though he wasn't out of the closet because he was fine as hell. Then convince him to come out of the closet and marched with him in the gay pride parade. Yes the glitter is fully in the air here. So with all that being said, I find it hard to believe when a dude comes out of the closet and he has a girlfriend, she's dumbfounded, baffled, and confused that her man is gay. Gtfoh… now there are some men that are better at concealing there sexuality than others and some men are so far in closet they're finding last year's Christmas present. But there are always signs, they're all around you. Open your eyes, before you end up like Janet Jackson in For Colored Girls, wait she knew too.

  23. <blockquote cite="comment-306541">

    WisdomIsMisery: I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING! I guess it is where you grew up and/or live. I’ve never understood this whole DL brother phenom or “epidemic.” I remember when it all came to the forefront about a decade back, probably from Oprah or Waiting to Exhale, I cant remember. Then it seemed like folks just ran with it. If you were a successful black male – and heaven forbid single – then you HAD to be gay or into white women. I mean, is it really that crazy out here? Some of yall read that lighthearted post I wrote about over on my website the other day and that’s pretty much the only “DL” brother I ever came across. Maybe there were more but since they were DL I, like everyone else, didn’t know. I’m just wondering are people making a mountain out of a hill? I’ve always assumed it’s blown out of proportion. Then again, I’ve never lived in DC or ATL, cities that seem to dominate the majority of these conversations.

    I think I may agree with you about the whole DL thing being a hyped up. To my knowledge, I haven't come across a large amount of men who are on the DL. Then again…I guess I wouldn't know unless they told me.

    To be honest, I worry more about a guy I'm dating sleeping around with other women than I worry about a guy I'm dating revealing to me that he's DL. Thats been more of a reality in my life than the DL thing has been…lol.

    1. Pretty much. I mean it's one thing to say there's a lot of gay men out there, open or in the closet. I can live with that. IT'S A WHOLE OTHER THING, to say not only are there a lot of gay men out there, open or in the closet, but they're also lying about it and sleeping with both sexes.

      Then you throw the word "epidemic" in the mix all nonchalant?

      Not kosher.

      1. Yes! And then I wonder why we seem to think its a black thing. Look at CL and the guys looking for some dl play. Its not just black men.

        1. I've heard the whole 'dl' situation discussed on another forum as something going on in the African American community. (Roissy?)

      1. How can you ruin a song that never ends. One of my cable channels plays that joint like it's a movie. I swear that joint must be two hours long.

        1. R. Kelly been trying to tell us something for years and we just ain't pick up on it.

          Down Low was the jam. He wrote, "If Your Girl Only Knew" for Aaliyah. And if Trapped In The Closet isn't the best way to avoid doing your school and/or house work I don't know what is.

          I think I know the first 12 chapters by heart. It's like a mini-concerto watching that in my house. I will sit and watch all 22 chapters on a boring Saturday afternoon.

          "oh my god a rubber.. rubbber…. rubbberrr….."

        2. If Ice Cube is a low budget Spike Lee……thatn R Kelly is a low budget Ice Cube.

          Watchin the closet joint is like watchin a car accident. You want to look away but you can't.

  24. i'm not friends with anyone men that are gay [that i know of]. if one of my friends did come out the closet i would accept their lifestyle and keep it moving. what they do behind closed doors doesn't affect me. just like the fact that my friends sleep with women now doesn't affect me. as long as they stay true to who they are i'm cool.

    i do feel sorry for women who get lied to and their world turned upside down when their s/o's come out the closet.

  25. Why can't people accept that it just might be an epidemic? Im not saying it is or isn't but it seems like folks are just totally dismissing the fact that it could be. Not good.

    1. Yes by epidemic that would mean its taking over. I think we are just noticing what has always been there. Men didnt just start being DL.

      1. But what about when it is linked with HIV/AIDS. Like the down low brothers who get it from men and infect women. I am not saying that this is what happens all the time. However, it does happen.

        1. No, no direct connection. You're insinuating that only DL men are passing on HIV/AIDS to straight women. If that's the case how do you explain Magic Johnson? Are you still under the impression HIV is a gay disease and straight men don't get it?

  26. <blockquote cite="comment-306592">

    il Duce the Grand Nagus, Master of the Rules of Acquisition:

    Basically all I’m sayin is what most scientist and psychologist will tell you….the human brain adapts for survival.

    Hey I hate to stereotype….but most of them dom lesbians are fat and butt ugly.Are they really gay?Or did they just adapt their preferences since men generally find them unattractive.

    Hmmmm… I know people wouldn't like to admit it, but you're posing a very interesting question.
    How many of the people labeled (by others and themselves) are actually homosexual due to innate sexual preference verses how many chose that out of convenience? Is it really convenience? We already know that there's always some stressor that can cause a sharp change in preferences and behavior. Your wording suggests you mean, something like: I prefer strawberry yogurt, but I'll settle for blueberry. When looking at the needs of humans, I guess it would be possible to downgrade the importance of sex aspect of a relationship so companionship could be achieved. THEN obtain an attraction to that person. I know many women even say they wouldn't mind marrying a guy they weren't physically/sexually attracted to in order to get the benefits of a functional relationship and are confident that love/passion/physical attraction will occur down the line. Replace "guy" with "person" and you have the situation Duce is referring to I think.

    Though we can also argue that the they didn't make the choice to be homosexual, but rather they chose to come out the closet and always had a preference for the same sex. And you can't go around telling people their preferences. They tend not to like that.

    On second thought, any psychologist will tell you that every person has the capacity to do just about anything. However, each person's trigger level for each choice is different. You know, "I'm not a killa but don't push me." Everyone is capable of depression, but everyone has a different level of tolerance to stressors that trigger depression. Basically, we can say that ALL men have a tolerance level for doing homosexual acts. Each guy can endure different levels of stressors to trigger a choice of doing homosexual acts. And jail is a stressor like something serious. That's why some guys come back from jail homosexual, while others bi-sexual but while others stay heterosexual. But let's not think of the trigger levels as 'high and low', but different combinations of stressors. While being naked in the showers after a football game didn't lead me to do homosexual acts, I can't say how I would be if being exposed to that everyday and being in an environment of only men for years on end or worse, for life. But each combination of stressors affect every person differently.

    1. "…every person has the capacity to do just about anything. However, each person’s trigger level for each choice is different."

      sir this this this! I say this all the time when talking to people about coping skills, depression and even addiction.

      and also, you ever notice how some men that have relations(hips) with men were molested as children? sometimes by older males? Do they really prefer men or is it just that they've always associated those desires and actions with those of the same sex? and perhaps dealing with women has always been awkward because of this, which is why they may default to men. Some things are subconsciously done.

      its all really fascinating. excuse my nerd, but I'm intrigued by it all.

      1. Yes and the same with women………many lesbian women seem to genuinely hate men. It usually stems from some physical, sexual or emotional abuse they suffered from men.

        Are they born lesbians….probably not.

      2. Yeah. The psychology of it all makes me go wow all the time.

        The biggest mistake people make is trying to categorize who is more inclined to be in a particular condition (addition, depression, etc) by saying people that look like or do X, Y and Z are most likely to be THAT (what ever that is). The answer is ALWAYS anybody can be anything. All you have to do is exceed your trigger level and it's a rap pretty much.

  27. Like after college, anything that happens before you turn 21, we not talking about that right now. I’m talking about a man on the struggle dating women, then one day says, “This isn’t really working out for me anymore,” and leaves the team like Bosh to go play with the heat.

    ^^

    I see what you did there

  28. I hope I don't have to tear up this comment section today… But this is a very good topic…

    I really don't like talking about sexual abuse, gays, or conspiracy theories in public… Very touchy topics…

    I am not a big fan of having close gay friends… I don't like having that energy constantly around me for influential reasons…

    A Black, Militant, Bi-Sexual Dude gave me a knowledge base on how to maintain a healthy body, & something called Feng Shui…

    Its cool when you can hang around gay dudes, and joke about gay dudes with no ill intent… #TeamMaturity

    I appreciate gay people… They give me music, movies, politics, film, arts… They basically run the world… So, I respect the contribution…

    Homophobia needs to chill… It is not that serious… especially among black people…

    But the church seems to be more accepting of gays than ever… So, my question is… cause Idk… Where does homophobia come from the harshest in the Black community…?

    Any girl that is with a guy who comes out the closet just needs to be mature about the whole situation… #Period #EndOfStory

  29. <blockquote cite="comment-306665">

    WisdomIsMisery: What say you about Brazil?

    cc: Dr. J

    In other words, being an authentic "Straight Single Black Males in Atlanta" you get the cream of the crop, crème de la crème, best of the best, pick of the litter, or if you aren't looking for anything deep and the creme is simple… you get prime p*ssy for days.

    1. The only thing i'll say about Atlanta is… we talking about DL brothers and how straight dudes are #winning. But it's a good chance that a chick you meet in Atlanta used to be a stripper. I ain't want to believe that until I got out there and saw the pandemonium. I think you only gotta be like 16 to do it. And when you see that they work in 30 minute shift and it's like 40 on the floor and there's SIX huge strip clubs out there, you start to wonder. And stripping sort of like the topic of the day, it's nothing wrong with it, but it sort of make you think about what they been through in their past.

      I was talking to one and had to break it off because she lied to me about whether she had sex for money in her past. Then this chick told me, that I was paying to have sex with her. I had this Kevin Hart look on my face cause I ain't get what she meant at that point in time.

      1. Reminds me of the conversation on Boondocks when Riley was trying to figure out the difference between a girlfriend and a h*e.

        Riley voice: BUT YOU STILL PAYIN!?!

        I'd link to YouTube but…well, I'm at work and I'm lazy.

  30. When I was a young lady I dated a dude I am sure was a kept man. He was 22 and I was 19. The first time I saw him, I was like "gaga". He was fine as hell, dressed his ass off, had a nice crib and he had a son.
    I'd be lying if I said he wasn't a bit sweeter than my liking but did I mention he was fine as hell. Young Neek wasn't paying attention to all of the evidence in front of her because he had a son. So you see, he couldn't be gay because gay men don't have babies. (this was 18 year old logic even though two of my lesbian cousins had kids).
    This dating thing with dude didn't last long only about two months and my friends got a kick out of me being stupid for the purpose of having a cutie on my arm.
    I guess my point is there are ways signs…just cause you don't want to see them doesn't mean they're not there.
    How it ended. Well after a couple of months of casually dating I was evidently too secure for his liking. This dude had a opinion about everything that quite frankly the average dude doesn't care about. The final straw was when my friend said she saw him walking and holding hands with some fat Latina. This, I had to address…I confronted dude and he said it was his friend (this I knew was a lie and from that I knew he was queer)…on my birthday he made a big deal over what he got me. I won't even mention what it was but let's just say I'd never get anything comparitable to that again. LOL my friends giggled me into admitting the truth, this dude had to be a kept man. He never admitted to me and I didn't care because our relationship wasn't "flexual". He didn't owe me the truth and he had me must of had me confused for the latina he was walking with. I should have known it was too good to be true because I admittedly don't pull dudes that fine. LOL
    This was a long time ago and dude is well into his 30. I hope he out and proud raising his son as a gay father. Im all for people being who they are. Your sexuality doesn't define your place in this world. It's the shame that you feel about who you are which causes problems and confusion. Shoot there aren't enough heterosexual black men for the women who want black men but such is life and the game is real. Don't be a victim. I don't know how I'd take a dude with queer tendencies saying some smack to make me ponder their sexuality.I figure, if I got to question it, you might not be the dude for me to date. I'm not even getting into what my friends think because some folks get off on this type of Richard Bey, Jerry Springer drama. Stop getting caught up with the superficial and trust your gut. LOL
    Great subject matter Mr. J I almost forgot about that dude…ah memories.

    1. You made some good points:

      I've known plenty of gay people that have kids and were married at some point in their life.

      How many gay dudes are really DL? Whenever you see these shows on Oprah the so called DL guy is always flaming when they show him. How is that DL?

  31. <blockquote cite="comment-306709">

    Dr. J:

    #nosign

    I was stuck in traffic on Peachtree on the way to the club and the whole right side of the street for about four blocks looked like a parade in Key West.I wasn’t tripping, but I asked why it was nothing but n*ggas over there and no women to be found…. then I noticed one of them dudes had a perm and a Gucci bag.

    I have never seen this in another city.And I live in Washington, DC.

    I'm sorry but dudes with perms always get a side from me. #imjustsayin

  32. <blockquote cite="comment-306709">

    Dr. J:

    #nosign

    I was stuck in traffic on Peachtree on the way to the club and the whole right side of the street for about four blocks looked like a parade in Key West.I wasn’t tripping, but I asked why it was nothing but n*ggas over there and no women to be found…. then I noticed one of them dudes had a perm and a Gucci bag.

    I have never seen this in another city.And I live in Washington, DC.

    Lol… you were on Peachtree near Bulldogs. #malegaybar

  33. Yeah, um…I'll be lurking today, lol.

    #icant

    Very interesting comments and subtopics though.

    I will say that my gaydar was off when I was a youngster, lol. I had the BIGGEST crush on George Michael! Smh…

    1. Gaydar doesn't kick in until you are like 17. Cause all the girls loved Tevin Cambell and B2K and we see how that turned out.

        1. But that's the thing. You never even hear any rumors about him being with dudes. Matter fact, all the women he has been with pretty much vouch for him bein straight.

          I forgot which one of them brawds snitched on him but I remember her sayin he is real jealous and controlling. But yeah…..he is a straight dude that likes to wear make up and womens clothes. Same with Johnnie Depp. Prince is a metrosexual. Just an extreme one.

      1. I just had to ask myself a question…maybe you can help me, il Duce, lol.

        Is my Gaydar still off cause I'm in love with PRINCE?! LOL! Shoe boots, ultra perm, makeup and all!

        I'd NEVER give any other man that kind of pass but, Prince? YES…on any day of the week.

        * nods in approval *

        1. No…….actually I belive Prince is 100% straight. He is just an extreme metrosexual. Or call it androgenous. The dude is a notorious womenizer. He just happerns to like womens clothes.

          Also….I would bet at a young age he thought he was gay and probably everybody else did too. A prime example of how people have to figure out who they are. Some dudes act feminine when they are young and then grow out of it. Or they figure out….hey I have feminine ways but I'm not gay. That's Prince. He has feminine ways but he is not gay. Plus he is very religous now so….

          I'm a huge Prince fan……..should have saw me a his concert……you would have thought I was gay. ROFL

        2. Prince is bisexual. No way in the world he ain't. He is in love with beauty. But even if he ain't bisexual, he ain't a n*gga because I know a few that live with me and they would have gotten Vanity and Apollonia pregnant.

          Twice.

  34. I gotta say that I enjoyed reading the comments today as much, if not more, then I enjoyed reading the actual post (which was also well-done – props)

    There are only 2 things that I can say for sure:

    1. The psychoanalysis of Gender/Sexuality has MULTIPLE dimensions…to the point where you can really rationalize anything. The brain is an amazing tool and our society is decidedly sexual and it's easy to see how the "Western" brain has adapted to that.

    2. I agree with the deception vs. gay sentiments. My first reaction would still probably be anger if any boyfriend of mine came out to me (just because at that point I would have given a lot of myself to him), but if there was no cheating invovled I would definitely be understanding and would work on a friendship with that person. But cheating is cheating…and at this point you're also lying to me about a huge part of yourself. #selfish and I'm going in on that *ss. For real.

  35. Me personally, I would take a trip to the clinic to make sure I don't have any STDs/AIDS then deal with him some other time.

  36. <blockquote cite="comment-306954">

    TWIsM81:

    No, no direct connection.You’re insinuating that only DL men are passing on HIV/AIDS to straight women.If that’s the case how do you explain Magic Johnson? Are you still under the impression HIV is a gay disease and straight men don’t get it?

    Omg! No nooooo. Not at all. This wasn't a good analysis of my comment. Hmph!

  37. *daps all round on this one.

    Based on some ignant comment I read previously, I was back to lurking mode for a while. I read the post and I was like right, let the ignorance commence.

    Have to give props as the general tone was respectful.

    I dated a bisexual Brazilian once and as far as I know when we were together there was no issue of cheating, when we finished she did go off with one of her friends. My point is, its not black or white but like some folk have mentioned upthread its a spectrum and based on situations or the "conditions of possibility" which enable certain things to happened and block other things.

    My issue with the post is that it confused bisexuality with homosexuality. Someone can date either sex and someone can be predominantly be attracted to one gender more than another. You can date someone who is bisexual and it may never be an issue whether they may be attracted to another or the same sex partner.Fidelity in relationships is an entirely different issue. A person is not more or less likely to cheat because of their sexual preference, you are more likely to cheat if you are a douche irrespective of what sex you are attracted to.

    The MSM thing is about a refusal to accept labels one way or another. I laughed thought about the comments about fingers or strap on thang. I guess it depends on how kinky you are. If you are a real freak, I guess you have to know what your limits are or not have limits? You have to identify as gay in order to be so, if you dont identify no one has the right to tell you what you are or what you should be. Rodman is a total freak but no one is going to call him gay.

    I know of people who have crossed swords in dubious circumstances, you just have to say, "hey, it cool, but #nobackshots" and keep the session on flowing.

    I heard even in jail, you aint a gay if some dude beats you unconscious and then slips you the soap, might have to go and watch Oz again to refresh my memory. Shiz was cold.

    Realize now you just have to wait and things take a natural course with the blog.

    Shout to Kriola, like the way you said what you had to say.

    1. Obrigada! I agree with you, I think (especially for women) sexuality is a continuum and sometimes its difficult to place people in a simply straight or gay category (thats why we call them freaks lol).

  38. It's funny because I was involved in a situation like this. today, makes it EXACTLY a year that i last had sex with him. I still believe this person is gay (not bisexual, but GAY) and had I not engaged in sex with him, I wouldn't have had a clue he was gay. The fling wasn't that long (two months), but due to trust issues, I was apprehensive when he asked me out 3X. I said no each time, before I decided to go out with him. I only dated women for about four years, because of the pain I endured with men and I was afraid of being hurt again. But, I decided to take a chance on him. I told him I was bisexual before we had sex. What makes me angry is had I not had sex with him, I'm sure he would have been emotionally abusive, because I was not a MAN. Women believe they have done something wrong, when, in fact, their man is sabatoging the relationship because he really wants to be with a man.

    Man or Woman, this type of deception robs the other person of an opportunity to make decisions in their best interest. I was angry, because this man engaged in sex knowing he was gay and even attempted to have unprotected sex with me. He even had me around the man he was sexing, making a complete fool of me!

    I've heard that many of the bisexual men will eventually long for the touch of only a man as they get older. What happens to the wives who still have sexual and emotional needs? That's why it is important for woman to know a man's history, so we have an idea of whether or not this man will eventually become totally gay. I would date a bisexual man, but I would need to know whether or not he could be faithful and where he fell on the gay scale. But, not telling me, robs me of the chance to think about those things.

    Funny thing is, to this day, I will never understand why he did it. No one questioned his sexuality at our school. He could have easily said he had a girlfriend in another state, but no, he choose to use me for his own selfish reasons. For that, I will always be angry and hope he gets the payback he deserves! Now, I will always be afraid of being in this situation again.

  39. I hear you, whenever people start a new relationship or marriage, they always say "I'm never going to hurt you, or I'll never leave you;" but here's the sting in the tail, people sometimes, do!

    You make all kinds of assumptions about sexuality, that's your truth. Truth is, you can catch anything from anybody. As Nina Simone has it, " nothing remains the same."

  40. <blockquote cite="comment-306480">

    Kema:

    I think people choose to be gay in the same way we chose to be straight.Well I know I didnt make a consious choice to be straigt.I just am.

    Oh I'm so glad you said that! People really need to educate themselves on the research on homosexuality. We all know that some people think it's a trend or a fad & choose to "experiment" with the same sex (these people are usually women), but for the most part, people are born gay or straight.

  41. It bothers me when people say that being gay is a choice. So many downlow men and women hide the fact they are gay to avoid being subjected to to scuinty of bible fanatics who cant follow the word of God themselves. I applaud those men and women who can be open with society and say "This is who I am, take it or leave it".
    I'm a gay man myself and as a kid growing up in a Roman Catholic school for 11 years I hid the fact I was gay and prayed everynight to God that I wasn't. I finally embraced who I am and I couldn't be more happier. Question, if gay is a choice, why would I subject myself to being associated with the negative connotations that come along with it.

    I never will understand men who mislead women in relationships to hid their true idenity. But if people would understand that being gay is NOT something you wake up one day and decide to try, not a disorder, neither an addiction then maybe we can progress as human beings. It's 2011 folks, stop being so narrow minded.

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