The Not So Tall Man’s Guide to Gaining Friends, Influencing People and … Winning
Sometime around 11th or 12th grade, as all of my male classmate’s growth began spurting and they became taller than our female compatriots, I came to one of my life’s more important realizations: Height Matters.
I’d always known that height mattered if you wanted to be a professional basketball player or a model or something like that – but those things never really interested me. It wasn’t until my late high school years that I realized that height mattered in a more fundamental way, a way that would actually impact my life. I could sit around a list all of the advantages being tall might afford an individual, but instead, just think of it like this: If a guy who’s 6’’5’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take three or four steps. If a guy who’s 5’’8’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take four or five steps. That’s pretty much life for a guy who’s not so tall. What I realized when I came to the realization that height mattered and that I was not going to be a tall person was that if I wanted to have the fullest life I possibly could, if I wanted to have the sort of influence I desired, if I wanted to win the way I think I deserve to win, I needed to buttress my not so tallness with complete and utter awesomeness. In today’s post I’m going to share with you all some of the things I’ve learned along the way
1) Accept the fact that you’re not tall.
One of the worst things you can do if you’re not a tall person is be self-conscious about your height. If you’re not tall you need to accept that fact and keep it pushing. You also have to accept the fact that people will have no problem pointing out to you the fact that you’re not tall. A dude who’s not tall can be 35 years old and a woman will have no problem telling him he’s “adorable.” You just gotta eat those. There’s something inherently wrong about making fun of a fat person because they’re fat. Likewise, if a person is universally ugly – by every standard of beauty of the face of the earth, it’s not cool to remind them of that. But if you’re short, it’s perfectly ok for someone to call you an oompaloompa. #LifeIsHard, deal with it. You also need to understand that some women have height preferences. When a woman tells you that she only dates men that are over six feet, you have to be confident enough in yourself to look her in her eyes and tell her that she’s totally entitled to that preference and that you make it a point to avoid dating women who prefer to date men who are over six feet.
2) Be Interesting
If you’re not tall, you can’t be lame. There’s nothing worse than being corny and short. Instead be a renaissance man. You need to always be reading a book and always have a new hobby you’re in the middle of developing. You should try to stay up on on the latest happenings in the areas of music, fashion, art and politics and you should be able to convert that knowledge into interesting conversation. Nobody cares if the 6’3’’ dude that just walked in the spot can explain in adult English why we needed to raise the debt ceiling, everyone is too mesmerized by the fact that he had to duck to walk through the doorway. But you and your 5’7’’ self, nobody even noticed when you walked in so when it’s your turn to speak, you need to be Obama. I don’t mean 2011, compromise on everything, Obama, I mean spring 2008 “so what my pastor is racist, you still love me” Obama. Your references and taste should be impeccable. You need to be able to lead a conversation seamlessly from Tolstoy to Tyler the Creator without missing a beat and without sounding pretentious. Because evolution and genetics did all the work in developing the tall man physically- personal internal development on his part is beneficial but not always necessary. The not so tall man needs to make it a point to continuously strive to make himself the best possible person he can be if he plans to win at life.
3) Develop your sense of style and keep yourself immaculately groomed.
When you’re not tall you have to be really careful about what you decide to wear. I never got down with the whole baggy clothes phenomenon because oversized clothing makes a not tall man look like a kid playing dress up in his dad’s closet. You also have to be wary of some today’s more current trends. Right now for men, the trend seems to lean toward this semi-couture/semi-urban I care but don’t care sorta look. I blame Kanye. Thing is, when you’re not tall, dressing like Kanye is not a good look. Wait, let’s be clear – at this point dressing like Yeezy isn’t a good look for anyone, but when you’re not tall somehow, super trendy is easily mistaken for effeminate. Being short and trendy when you’re a guy is like when a girl is tall and only wears sweat pants and t-shirts. You kinda just assume they play for the other team. Develop your own sense of style. Familiarize yourself with the classics and borrow a few of the more current trends to accentuate the look.
4)Understand the Concept of Home Games and Away Games
Home field advantage doesn’t only exist in the realm of sports- there are practical advantages to understanding the difference between a home game and an away game. As it relates to those of us who aren’t tall, you need to understand that certain environments will rarely be conducive to success for you. A perfect example is a club. I have a friend who’s about 6’’3’, 215 lbs. To whit, he’s a handsome dude who’s brown enough to not be light, but light enough to pass the brown paper bag test. When he walks into the club, women don’t just want to sleep with him, they want to procreate with him. They don’t just fantasize about having mind blowing sex with him, they fantasize about mixing gene pools with him. That’s not what women see when they see a not so tall guy in the club. That’s why the club scene, for guys who aren’t tall, will forever be an away game.
Also, women always make it a point to wear their highest heeled shoes when they go out to the club which makes it seem like every chick in the spot is amazonian. Next, if the club is crowded, you might as well be Stevie Wonder. It gets really annoying when your boy keeps trying to point out an attractive woman across the room and all you can see are the shoulders of the four guys in front of you. Besides that, it’s really awkward when that attractive woman starts throwing it back at you as you’re dancing and her a** keeps landing in your stomach area, knocking the wind out of you. It’s just really, really awkward, seriously. Most importantly, the club is a loss for the not so tall man because the loudness of the music mitigates your best asset … your words. You’ve spent all this time developing yourself, making yourself the best conversationalist on the planet but it’s all worth naught because it’s too loud to talk to anyone. The club is an away game. Home games include BBQ’s, Dinners, Lounges and certain house parties.
Look, the purpose of this post isn’t to say that guys who aren’t tall are handicapped or seriously disadvantaged. We don’t need to pass around the collection plate for the vertically challenged. Truthfully, everyone – regardless of height – should work on developing themselves in the aforementioned ways. But for the man who’s not very tall, working on these areas will help even the playing field between you and all the nephilim descended folks you might find yourself competing against. So fellas, especially those of you under 5’9” – do you think your height has had a positive or negative impact on your life – particularly your love life. Has a woman ever told you that you were too short for her? For my tall dudes out there… why are y’all so corny? Just kidding … sort of … No shots though. Ladies, if you were a ride at a theme park, what height would be the minimum? Where does height fall on your list of desired attributes in a potential mate?
Lastly, quick admin note: For the time being, the homey CEO Slim Jackson is going to be alternating on Thursdays with our comrade Wisdom Is Misery. I’m rocking out on Mondays … gotta keep yall on your toes.
As always… stay low and keep firing…