Home About Me I Could Probably Never Blog About My Wife

I Could Probably Never Blog About My Wife

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We had a party, yeah we had a party. Sisters was angry, yes sisters was angry. #MartinsRoom

This is going to be the last post you see from me for a long time about sex, dating or relationships.  Dr. J is going to take this opportunity to quit while he still can.  It’s been a great run here at SBM.org, I always thought that I was giving people a breath of fresh air, and telling the straight honest truth.  For those of you who have been entertained by that writing, thank you for your support, it never went unnoticed.  For those of you who hate my writing, you keep on, keeping on, “you got it.”  I’ll explain more on the Book one day, but for now, I’m off this relationships sh*t.

I have a buddy who writes a blog about interracial dating and every so often I get frustrated by the backlash I receive from my posts here and other places on the internet and I’ll complain to him, he always responds the same way.  He always tells me that I should stop putting out good material in places where it’s going to be attacked and that I would be best served to come and start writing for his site.  I told him, I can’t do that.  I’m not the type of Black guy who doesn’t date Black women, I’m the type of Black guy who doesn’t only date Black women.  I hate when I meet someone who only dates one race, that to me, no matter how you explain will always seem a bit off to me.  I write on SBM.org because this site is supposed to be about the Black male perspective.  Ha, on some days you wonder if that’s true.  It seems like everything that comes out of the mouth of the seven Black male writers on this site is subject to the scrutiny of the female readers.  (I should mention that it’s funny that our readership is not all Black, but everyone is overqualified to give an opinion on Black men. #dique)  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “if you ask a man what his opinion or perspective is on something, take it, don’t tell him you reject it”. You can’t ask for my opinion and then tell me I’m full of sh*t when I give it, do you want my honest opinion or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?  My observations led me to writing this post, my final relationships post on SBM.  (Note: I’m not going anywhere, I’m just not writing about this “relationship” stuff anymore.)

I date who I date, I’ll marry who I marry, and I’ll never look to the internet or SBM.org as the sovereign source of advice for my love life.  I love you all dearly, but some of y’all asses is crazy.  I was thinking to myself laying in bed thinking about the way Black men and certain types of women are persecuted on this site and I thought, “Let’s say for example, I married a Latina, would I ever be able to blog about my relationship with her?” It didn’t take me long to realize that the answer to that question was as obvious as the reason why I asked myself that question.

A little background story, in high school I had an off and on relationship with a girl.  In my mind, (at the time, lol), I thought we were in love.  We dated from the time I was in the 10th grade, off and on, until winter break of my sophomore year of college.  When I was in HS, this was the plan: Go to college, both of us would go to schools in the same state, graduate and move back to DC and get married.  We had that conversation many a nights.  Thank God, i’m not married to her.  First, because that on and off again thing was an indication that sometimes you care a lot about a person, but that doesn’t make you right for each other.  And second, because I had no clue what it would really mean for Black man to “date outside the family.”

I found this funny... will make sense later.

For a minute, I thought to myself, “The question isn’t what’s wrong with Black women?  The answer to that is simple, nothing at all.  The real question is what’s wrong with the women who aren’t Black?” I’ve got enough commentary so I don’t need to be informed on how many Black women want to answer that question.  I think about all the Black male entertainers and public figures that I know and when Black women found out the women they were dating or married to were white women; they flipped the hell out.  Was that going to be me?  Was I going to be judged because I didn’t end up with a Black woman?  And would the people who judged me the most not be the other race, but my own race?

The obvious thought was, well what if you wrote about why you love her and didn’t write about why you weren’t romantically involved with a Black woman?  I thought about that and when you think about it, it’s never mattered that the articles written by myself or others on the internet were not at all about Black women.  An article about white, Asian or Latina women is not going to make the Black woman wince, it’s the fact that she’s got the attention of a Black man that makes her wince.  I’m almost led to believe that in The Ten Black Women Commandments there is a verse that states, “Thou shalt have no other women before me.”

I came up with a list of posts specific to my situation that I could write that ideally wouldn’t solicit a hateful response from readers:

  1. Ten Reasons Why I Love My Wife
  2. Lessons I’ll Have to Teach My Biracial Kids
  3. Things My Wife Doesn’t Get About Me and I Don’t Get About Her
  4. Lawry’s vs. Adobo: A Definitive Analysis of Family-Style Cooking
  5. Who Gon’ Watch the Kids: My mother don’t speak Portuguese and hers don’t speak English

#1 – Seemed like a good one, but then I thought, someone will definitely want to ask me why I thought I couldn’t get all of those things with a Black woman.

#2 – Jesus Christ, I do not want to have to deal with a comment section on good and bad hair, and the privileges associated with biracial kids.

#3 – This would just serve as evidence for Black women to tell me why you have to marry a Black woman if you want someone who is going to understand you.

#4 – I couldn’t come to a conclusion on which one was better myself.  Plus, Mrs. Dash’s, Season-All and Nature’s Seasoning be winning too.

#5 – I just saw this post headed in a direction where we couldn’t come to a firm conclusion on whether or not it’s right to raise children in America in a different language other than English.  That’s an argument that I don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.  Or the more popular conversation among Blacks, Africans and Caribbeans; Why African-Americans don’t know how to raise children.

I didn’t see anything good coming out of those posts.

I think she's being typecasted.

I found myself thinking that I had lost faith in the readers. I lost that attraction to the relationship that we’ve built since 2009.  Somewhere in all of this, I’m sure it could be explained to me how this is all my fault.  Yeah, I don’t care about all that, the people who know me, know me, the people who don’t, don’t.  I looked at all the coaches that walk away from championship teams in their prime when it doesn’t seem like they’re getting the same results they once did, they always cite, “I just thought they needed to hear a new voice.”  I guess that’s what happened to my faith with black sex & relationship blogging, you guys just need to hear a new voice.  Whether I think that voice is one that makes it easier to take the advice because they tell you the truth without being honest, or if I feel like it’s a flat out lie, is neither here nor there.  I lost faith in our relationship as writer and reader that I could ever write a post about the woman I was dating, or the woman I was marrying.  Once I lost that faith, this whole thing didn’t seem worth it anymore.

Did you really expect not to go out without a little bit of controversy?

– Dr. J

Comment(107)

    1. I’m a bit confused as well, but I think I get what he’s gettin at. I do wanna peep through the last few posts to kinda see what may have generated this though…

  1. I wholly understand and empathize with you on that. Once you lose faith in the ones you communicate with, what’s the point? You’ve dealt with them long enough to know how receptive they are to hearing and understanding your opinion and outlook, and you know if what you’re saying is getting through.if it ain’t getting through, then it’s time to be through altogether.

    1. On one hand, I get what you're saying, but on the other, it's kinda like cutting off the nose to spite the face.

      Once you post your opinion in a public forum, ANY public forum, you're going to have to deal with people disputing it, hating on it, arguing over it, agreeing with it, etc. It seems a bit unrealistic to think that your opinion wouldn't garner controversy. It also would be counterproductive for the site. If everyone agreed and was like, "Yeah, right on.", there wouldn't be the many comments or posts. People would just read it and that would be it. And blogs thrive on the discussion had in their comment section. Some bloggers DELIBERATELY speak on provocative issues just to get their comment section buzzing.

      Opinions aren't fact and therefore will always be able to be disputed. Choose not to discuss relationships if you want, but unless you're going to start writing nonfiction, I'm pretty sure any topic you write will be up for debate.

      1. I feel you, but at the same time, like he said, maybe we need to hear another voice. It's not fair to expect J to take all the bullets, all the time. No matter how hard he is, how strong in himself, how much he loves whomever he loves, everyone gets weary. And to have to qualify it every time that you say how beautiful your gf/wife is, with "but Kelly Rowland is beautiful too!!" just to avoid fights is, I'm sure, exhausting.

        I understand and I hope that this reprieve can help rebuild your faith Dr. J.

        1. I understand it gets hard out here, to hear all the backlash against something so personal as your opinion. I'm a singer, and people are always telling me I have to be hard and strong and not care what people think. And yeah, on a good day, you're all set. But on a bad day, your armor isn't at full strength and your art is extremely personal, so it feels like a personal attack. So yeah, that ish DOES suck. I'm not saying it doesn't. I'm saying it's unrealistic to put yourself out there and expect otherwise.

          I'm staying out of the interracial discussion. It's just too controversial and it gets too ugly and no one is right or wrong. All I can say is that we've all seen "Something New", and a slew of other movies about interracial dating. That ish is hard and not for the faint of heart. Maybe it shouldn't be and all that, but it is. People are going to say or feel something. That's fact.

        2. I'm saying it's unrealistic to put yourself out there and expect otherwise.

          Which is why I can understand why he's taking a break. If you don't put yourself out there, you don't have to listen to the backlash. I don't think he's surprised that there are reactions, I think he's tired of having the same conversation and being personally attacked. But maybe that's just me projecting.

        3. There's one thing to disagree with an opinion, it's another thing to not understand it at all. I see more issues with comprehension than understanding these days…

      2. I agree. Obviously, don't do something you aren't comfortable with. But no matter what you blog about, somebody is gonna talk ish. I guess I wish it was just a matter of telling people to eff off.

  2. Thank you!! I'm still sad his relationship perspective will be gone though – people kill me not wanting to hear the real!!!

  3. i've never wrote a comment before, but I am an avid reader of the blog. However, I feel compelled to comment after reading this last entry. I hate when black women are bitter about black men dating outside of their race, but I understand that most of the time black women are speaking out of hurt from rejection. SOME Black men do feel that other races of women are superior. Shoot! After dating my ex for 3 years and me shutting down the idea of marriage, he said that he would never again date a black women. He said that we (black women) ruin black men. I'm not the type to generalize, but when I see black men with women of another race, I do wonder how many of them have had similar experience as my ex and now share the same sentiments. From reading your post, I truly believe that you are a fan and lover of all colors, and I hate that you will no longer be sharing your thoughts and feelings on relationships, love…I personally appreciated your post.

    1. @Nicole

      I think BW throwing shade on BM dating Non-BW is psychosis… follow the money But simply put, they need a good man in their lives & evolve to root for all black people to do better & live happier lives… & follow the money

      SSTTE

      "It's Not Matrimony, It's Macaroni" -Kenny Redd

  4. Okay I think I'm a little bit lost. So you're upset because you can't write about having a Latina girlfriend/fiance, causing you to lose faith in…. your readers…. but what does that have to do with you not being able to tell the "truth"…? Also what is this "truth" that you speak of? Your opinion? Is there any one "truth" on relationships anyway? I thought it was all quite subjective….. And if there is, I'm a little bit lost as to how that relates to you and your and girlfriend/fiance? Is your relationship with her the "truth"?

    It sounds like you're conflicted about something. I think you should do what makes you happy. If being with your girlfriend and writing about it is what makes you happy, I think you should write about it. If its not going over well with your audience, maybe you should find a different audience, like your friend said. I don't think blogging on the interracial website would be a bad idea. Especially if they already have an audience that would be receptive to you. Sounds like you just need a break.

    (((HUGS))) for J
    My recent post What to do… what to do

  5. Ok..so where’s the “rule” that says that we can ONLY like the people that look like us??? I mean, seriously….where does it say that there’s something wrong with liking people just because they’re people?? If you’re a cool person and we have similar likes and interests…good. If I can chill with you and feel like it’s never too much when you’re around….great. If I’m physically attracted to you and that’s where it’s at…EVEN BETTER!!! And if you’re Black, White, Puerto Rican, or Haitian….as long as you’re holding it down like that…it’s ALL good!!!

    I mean, really, when you think about it…isn’t that what we’re taught from early on anyway??? Or at least, that’s what we’re “supposed” to be taught…to see past skin color…to see the PERSON and what it is that they bring to the table (personality, character, beliefs, etc). At what point does all that go out the window and we’re back to “sticking to our kind”??? I never understood this…not only black women’s views on BM dating outside of our race (which is a bit ridiculous!!), but on the whole idea of interracial dating on any level…who you love is who you love. Period. Why should there be any question about it????

    It sucks that you feel like you can’t be your true self…and write whatever it is that you want to write…because that’s Dr. J..that’s you, and you’re writing from your perspective. Everyone’s experience is different and they’re meant to be. How it works for you may not be how it works for me….and that’s ok, too. Who am I to judge you….because I damn sure don’t want you judging me!!!

    Dr. J….congrats on finding “the one” for you!! I’m sure she’s beautiful and my prayer is for you to be unspeakably in love for many, many years. For those people who were a little salted by your view – they we’re probably just mad because you were telling the truth!! Women say they want to know…but there are very few that want to know and are ready to hear the truth for what it is and accept it. I’m sure you’ll find another “space” where you can share your thoughts, views, and opinions about relationships (sometimes your own)….and feel like you’re not being judged for just giving your two cents. Stay with it………bless.

    1. "I mean, really, when you think about it…isn't that what we're taught from early on anyway??? Or at least, that's what we're "supposed" to be taught…to see past skin color…to see the PERSON and what it is that they bring to the table (personality, character, beliefs, etc). At what point does all that go out the window and we're back to "sticking to our kind"??? "

      THIS though.

        1. You're preachin to the choir man. No secret I don't like Dr. J's delivery, that doesn't mean I never can learn from what he has to say. Difference I see is that while I don't expect the site to cater to my ideas/beliefs/feelings, it seems that some other people do…

          My cosign of ~Ms Nik~ has nothing to do with Dr. J. I just believe whole heartedly in her above quoted assertion.

        2. I was just responding to you with the youtube link. Then I went on my own individual tangent.

          Let's stop doing the whole 'woe is me' thing please. Very few people that offer complaints earnestly believe and pine for the blog to cater to their individual tastes and perspectives with each post. Pretending that all detractors are just trying to tear you down just shows an extremely high level of hubris and a complete lack self-reflection. Everyone who writes here, bloggers and commenters included, could great improve their writing. Saying everyone who doesn't agree with you is wrong isn't going help. In order for communication to work, the other party must understand what you said. Doesn't fu##ing matter what you meant. Crossing your arms and pouting isn't going to mean a thing.

          If dozens and dozens of people are constantly misinterpreting what you're trying to say then maybe, just maybe you are the fault some of the time. And I say that as someone who has consistently, and still a good percentage of the time now, had trouble communicating with other people. My diction is distinctly different between how I think, how I write, and how I speak because effectively communicating ideas is important to me. Sometimes people are just illiterate and sometimes I'm on my MC Escher steez.

  6. You can’t ask for my opinion and then tell me I’m full of sh*t when I give it, do you want my honest opinion or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?

    The only shot i feel inclined to fire is at this statement because it goes both ways. Everyone has the right to their opinion, you and the nay-sayers. You can't offer up your opinion for comment/critique/whatever and then get mad when the "people" don't respond the way you want them to either. But thats just the life of a blogger i suppose. I've only been writing for a year and i've already gotten to the point where i've decided im not talking about this or that on my blog because my readers are gonna say this or that. It comes with the territory.

    Anywho, i think you should continue writing whatever you feel like writing. *middle finger to the haters* There are always going to be people who have something slick to say, even when they came to you specifically for your opinion. There are always going to be people looking for a validation of their own opinion that are gonna get pissed when the majority (or even just one person) doesn't agree with them. Its par for the course.

    Whatever your end decision is, im sure you're not losing sleep over it lol.

    Hugs (or hearty handshake- whichever you prefer)
    My recent post This is a Public Service Announcement

  7. "I didn’t see anything good coming out of those posts."

    :-/

    I believe when you have a gift it's not for you. What about the other black men who could possibly be in the same type of relationship who are so frustrated with the backlash in their day-to-day that they are about ready to throw in the towel? You never know what any of the above posts could do for them – even if it's just one guy… despite the flood of "hateful" comments you (accurately, unfortunately) deem inevitable. That is the type of faith I would hope could be sustained – though easier said than done, I'm sure.

    I'm sure some of us have heard that acronym for being NICE where it's "nothing inside me cares enough". Just like the example of a coach you gave – any of us who have been coached know that despite the hollering and carrying on – there is love there. Emotions get ignited when we care. There are some bloggers who I never really respond to because I don't really care either way about their opinion or their writing in general – and therefore seldom read their posts. I negatively responded to a non-s.ex and relationships (i think..) post of yours, only because, in hindsight i realize I cared enough to as I do respect your writing – however effed up that seems. 🙁 Lo siento.

    You should protect your peace and mental health at all costs – just be sure you aren't aborting your ultimate purpose or mission… even a little bit.

  8. I'm mad at you.

    You're letting the opinions and scrutiny of people you will never know determine how you express your thoughts.On the other hand, I think it's unrealistic to give your view on a subject and expect people not to do the same. That's why I come to websites like this, to see an open and honest dialogue from people of different perspectives. Do I think that the comments that the visitors make get a little too personal? Of course. We should be able, as adults, to have open dialogue, agree with what's being written or disagree. And if you feel you need to say something, do so in a respectful manner and be done. Some people just go H.A.M. and take it too far and I can see how that can affect you. No one wants their hard work to dismissed as bullsh*t or seen as something malicious. But that's the price you pay for not being afraid to give people exactly what they ask for.

    But any who, at the end of the day you know what's best for you. I can honestly say that I appreciate the views and the blatant honesty of all the men that contribute their articles on this site whether I agree with everything written or not.

  9. Wait…are, you trying to tell us your engaged to a latina?

    Anywhoo, I dont always agree or even understand you, but one thing I did respect was the fact that you always stood your ground. I know theres only so much a person can take though.

    Good luck! And congrats on your future engagement?…

  10. Poor Eva aka Token Latina Lover…sidebar something about her is unattractive to me i think its the jawline or suttin.

    I must say im with Dr J here, sometimes i just read blog titles and i know where the comments are headed, so i can only imagine writing something you really feel, only to let it get misconstrued like an Adonis comment or any of our comments for that matter

  11. I’m sorry but what are the “privileges” associated with biracial kids? I’m biracial but I really don’t know this.

    Anyway, J, it took me a while to warm up to it, but I enjoy your writing and all the truths that you put into it. It is my opinion that even if you marry a black chick, she’ll never be dark enough to satisfy everybody else. It’s crazy to me that people get so offended by other people’s love lives. Oh well. I look forward to hearing you sound off about different topics here and I’ll get your relationship talk fix over on The Book.

  12. So many things I could say but not enough time to say it. Think I won’t touch this one right now, maybe later today if time permits

  13. As long as you will still be writing here..I'm good. There are so many other things you can write about very well…so, do you. I personally, enjoyed your relationship advice…it may have been a bit controversial at times…but, I like controversy. I think you will still be commenting so we will still get your advice whether some people want it or not…

    1. "it may have been a bit controversial at times…but, I like controversy."

      You know honestly, at one time I used to think he would PURPOSELY post these topics — get the women heated and all discombulated and then either Streetz/WIM/Slim come next day on some "I'm sorry for 2004" rueben studdard type post and have everyone swooning again. #Mybadd

      1. "…and then either Streetz/WIM/Slim come next day on some "I'm sorry for 2004" rueben studdard type post…"

        I just need to let you know that you made me choke on my Orange Hi-C with this mess, LMBO!

        "I'm Sorry for 2004"…I HATED that song, lol…

        1. I died as well! All I could picture was a chorus line with WIM, Streetz, and Most singing along in a *Ruben voice* "I'm sorry (for May), I'm sorry (for June), I'm sorry (for July)…" ROTFL! Wasn't he talkin bout hot tubs in that song?! The thought of him in a hot tub is likely what made me hate it…o_O

  14. Ok I'ma try to make this quick (which for me is tough lol) cuz alas, SBM has been newly blocked at my job as "Adult" *throws tantrum, bursts into tears,* my days will never be the same! 🙁

    Anyway as I said above, I looked back on some posts, particularly the one about Evelyn, and I lmust say I see where you're coming from. I found myself cringing at a few comments in particular which did blatantly come for your neck and pretty much entirely miss your points. For that I feel terrible. Not because I'm an offender, but because I completely see how you could feel attacked.

    Now my critical reading skills could be off, which they usually arent 😉 but I didn't get that you have a new Latina love who you'd like to, but cannot blog about from this post. It seems you were being hypothetical. At any rate if you are or hypothetically were in love, I would hope you would shout it from the rooftops and write about that love, regardless of the haters. I don't think anyone should hate on love, its just too beautiful of a thing. What saddens me the most is that you feel you wouldn't even be able to do that.

  15. All I can offer as an explanation is that societal conditioning sucks. It conditions us (as a whole) to see light skin/long hair/Latina types as the prototype of beauty, thats just a fact. In turn though, that
    A. hurts those who don't fit that description, sometimes causing bitterness & even irrationality (umm is that a word? Whatever, u get my point.)
    B. Causes any black man who dares look past color to enjoy someone who does fit that description to feel the backlash, even if he's not necessarily only targeting said type.
    And C. Causes unnecessary venom directed at the women who do fit that description. Ultimately resulting in a lot more division and animosity where there really doesnt need to be. Yea, societal conditioning SUCKS.

  16. All in all, have I felt in the past that you preferred that type? Yea. But you've explained yourself time and again, which you really didnt have to. So I'm good. At this point those who miss your points (which at the core are always very real & neccesary) are only missing out on real talk, and its their loss. The "truth hurts" perspective is often painful, but always beneficial, so I for one hope you do not remove that element from this blog. Take a (brief) break when it comes to the chex/relationship stuff, maybe, but don't stop altogether. *hugssss for J*

    FYI this comment limiting sucksss! 3 posts! Smh. Ok bye, I think I'm late for work.

  17. I appreciate your opinion on here even when we don’t see eye to eye. I like when you write about relationships b/c it takes a lot of your readers out of their “comfort zone” which makes for a great conversation. Hopefully at some point you feel comfortable about writing about the women you like/ in your life again whether they be black or spanish. But I’m interested to see you write about different subjects other than relationships I’m sure it will bring out a different side of you.

  18. I co-sign MissMina's 2nd comment. I believe A, B, and C are at the root of the attacks you get. I think it's a bit unrealistic to say "don't take it personally", but…don't take it so personally. Understand where the issue is coming from and shrug it off.

    I think the "nay-sayers" are louder…more pushy. But, I think that those of us who appreciate your posts outnumber them. Why do we have to get punished???? We ain't done a thing wrong, lol.

    Don't let the e-thugs win, Dr. J. You let them get in your head…and you shouldn't have. * gives you the "get it together" slap and kicks you back into the relationship bloggin game *

  19. This sounds like a "Encore" post Dr. J. Are you really leaving or you wan to see how your readers respond to the possibility? Lol….jk…

    Dr. J,
    Do what's best for you. However, no matter what you write on, you will receive some off the wall comments. I thought your skin was thicker than this! Just as you are entitled to your opinions, others are entitled not to like them and respond accordingly. You know this already though. So why are you REALLY not writing about relationships anymore? I like reading your post and comments and although I may have to agree to disagree on some of your writings….it's all good man.

    "So this here is the victory lap then I'm lea-vin, that's how you get me back" That other J (z)…lol

  20. Being a singleblack male is about more than just being in a relationship. So I look forward to the good Doctor taking the restraints off.

    If I could ask a question? When you write a post and it goes viral 300 comment day, but it leads to a lot of negative feedback, do you care? I remember Slim caught a negative feedback after the "Why wasn't I good enough" than had to do a post on his personal site about the feedback.

    1. Not that you were asking me Cheekz, but from my perspective, I don't really care about the feedback – positive or negative. I think if you put a lot of effort into a piece and you're really happy with how it turns out no amount of gassing, or disparaging should sway your opinion on something. I think when you start being beholden to feedback from people on the internets it's impossible for your writing to not suffer. If you get addicted to folks telling you it's great, then you'll start trying to write stuff that people will say is great. If you get too tired of people saying they hate you work, then you'll start trying to change your work to make them stop. Either way, your honesty is compromised and when that happens… what's the point of even writing any more. UPS is Hiring.

      So as cliche as it sounds, I really do write for me. Positive feedback is dope, and negative feedback sucks a little, but neither is enough to really move me.
      My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing

      1. What Most said.

        I got love for everyone who has love for me but at the end of the day, I'm going to do me. People think they know me because they've read a few of my blogs here and there or all of my blogs. But they dont and I dont know them. It's actually funny how familiar people think they are but no cliche, you think you know but you have no idea. It's cool. People are going to think what they want to think. Plus, when you write for a predominately female audience like most of the writers here do, you're bound to get into a fight or two (or infinity). Fortunately for me, I'm not trying to bed anyone here so I dont have a vested interest in getting too emotionally involved in the outcomes. Doesnt matter if I make every woman on the Internet angry as long as I keep the woman in my home happy.

        Anyway, I respect J's decision. He's a grown man. Gotta do what's best for him.
        My recent post ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES

    2. Cosign what everyone said. I won't lie and say it doesn't make me feel goosd when someon enjoys a post. I learned a long time ago that there's more to a blog post than the # of comments. I'd rather touch one persons life than get 100000 comments.

      I write because I like it, not to get shine, that's all residual. The minute I write for people other than myself is the minute I stop writing.
      My recent post [Synopsis] A Taste of #TRUEBLOOD: Episode 47 – Soul of Fire

      1. "…I write because I like it, not to get shine…"

        (nod head in respect"

        I respond just to vent (to let this part of me I keep bottled in have HIS voice), not to get shine… (smile) I would say more, but I'm TRYING to keep a promise to myself to be nicer on these forums… STILL with saying what's on my mind…

  21. I think you should grow tougher skin, if comments on here by complete strangers make you feel a certain way…how do you re-act in real life? I'm sure being you've encountered stares and side remarks.

    But at the end of the day you have to do what makes you keep your sanity and happiness. So people should respect that.

    1. I agree! I recently wrote an article about men's fashion and someone called it sexist drivel! There will always be people who disagree with you, but luckily I like to fire back! I can dish it AND I can take it. As a writer, it is sometimes disheartening when people disagree with what you've written, but I simply enjoy having a voice that is being heard by people I don't even know and probably will never meet. That's what feels good to me.
      My recent post Crowns of Glory

  22. It's difficult to be a writer, I commend all of the SBM writers for doing what they do because I personally could not do it. I will be more than interested to see what you bring to the table sans relationships Dr. J.

  23. Well I will miss reading your relationship posts, and I def look forward to whatever you decide to write on. Good luck boo.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  24. Personally I dont think it really matters what you write about Dr J. You tend to have very strong opinions and when such is the case you are sure to have people on the other side of the topic.

    Maybe its the fact that relationship stuff is more personal that makes the hits seem harder. IDK!! Do you… I like your random way of writing. lol!

  25. If this post were a movie, it’d definitey be melodramatic. Don’t get me wrong, you incite the inner beast in a lot of these “Who Hurt You” All-Stars that hang around SBM, but as a writer if you didn’t invoke any emotion, you’d be a shitty writer. Further, you mention how the readership here isn’t all black women, but from what I’ve seen, it certainly is predominately us. I say that to say, while no one wants to be raked over the coals for his or her opinion on dating, relationships, or anything repeatedly, you gotta know when you run a website, which is supposedly giving insight into the black male mind, and that insight isn’t in favor of black women, who make up the majority of the people who want the insight…you’re going to get backlash.

    At the same time though, I once cheked that “click here to get email updates when this post gets new responses” buttons on one of your posts, and because of that, I was getting email about why pretty women get married for an entire season. I will never in my natural life check that box again. You obviously get response. Everybody isn’t going to love you, because you aren’t feeding us sugar pills, but at the end of the day, these b*tches are not going to stop reading. So making Drake ass posts about how you’re changing your direction is kind of weak to me. I’d rather you continue to write on how you feel, and continue to contribute to the MAIN subject matter for which I come here to read, than to just take your ball and go home.

    Frankly, I don’t care what you have to say about my finances, the kind of car I should buy, living in a major city, etc. I come here to read about relationships. Its sorely disappointing to me that you let the fact that you have an unpopular voice, silence that voice. You should look to Mary J. Blige. That b*tch cannot sing. But she’s got these women’s noses so open for a new song they can’t even barely switch to the old people R&B station fast enough in the morning. Mary J. Blige has black women listening to TOM F***ING JOYNER in the morning, and her ass couldn’t steal a tune off of the back of an unnattended truck. Find your inner Mary J., Jackson.

    Concerning the actual subject matter of the post, the only thing I don’t particularly care for was the notion that someone who is perhaps, pro black family (like myself) is off for choosing not to date outside my race. I look at men like you, who don’t want to see the same beauty physically in their wives that they’ve seen in their aunts, mothers, grandmothers, etc as off. I think Eva Mendez sometimes looks funny. I think an only half black woman, Halle Berry, even with her old nose, is killing her on every day ending in “Y”. I think full black chicks from across the color spectrum can turn down their noses as her banana face and weird nose/lip combo. But I also don’t think youre “off” for thinking otherwise. If anything I just wish you thought differently, because I think my opinion is superio–wait. No, thats not what I think.

    Anyway, if you stop writing relationship blogs here, I’ma have an attitude.

    1. lol @ my fingers Freudian slip. That first “etc. as off” should read “etc. as different.” hahaha you see my true colors shining through.

    2. "Further, you mention how the readership here isn't all black women, but from what I've seen, it certainly is predominately us."

      I'd just like to note that the audience is predominately black women BUT BY NO MEANS is it even really a large dominance. I think folks would be surprised by who reads the site versus who comments on the site. We know this info but I'm not privy to share. The point I think I'm trying to make here is – as far as our reading audience as a whole goes – black women definitely hold the title and all the unified belts for talking the most. lol I'm not sure yall read the most. Just something for everyone to keep in mind.
      My recent post ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES

      1. If black women lurked like everybody else then this site wouldn't be what it is. So we'll take your comment as a compliment. Thanks!

        1. I'm sure no feelings were hurt. But I'd hate to see how quiet this site would be if black women only read the site versus commenting.

        2. I've said this before but yall take me far more serious than I take myself.

          To your point, if I was on this site or anywhere in the world really, where black women or any woman felt passionate about a subject and didnt comment on it my head might explode.

          True story.

      2. The wording/message in this reply bothers the hell out of me, but just like we've seen the majority of the readers act like hit dogs, yall point a lot of fingers at dissent, so I will chil…

        1. @WIM …because a statement is lighthearted doesn’t mean its necessary. And you said above “a lot of people assume what YM wrote”…but your comment didn’t prove what I said untrue. You said yourself black women were the majority of readers, even if by only a slim margin. So I wasn’t wrong. So if people were to assume what I had written, they wouldn’t be wrong either. But now, coupled with their correct assumption, they now have another “lighthearted” spin on it, that I don’t think is very favorable of that majority. But you’re right. Me not thinking its favorable is just me. Your tone was perfectly fine for you.

        2. It wasnt about right or wrong.

          You presented your opinion across four paragraphs. I took one sentence out of those paragraphs that I didnt exactly agree with and presented my contrary opinion. The fact that you describe my opinion as "doesnt mean it's necessary" is interesting because I'm sure the same can be said for yours or anybody’s.

          It's amusing that your entire comment is essentially advocating for Dr. J (and writers in general) to stand by his opinion, because that is what you and arguably other readers come here to view, but here I am presenting a contrary opinion to yours and now here we are four comments later debating the tone in which I said it as if I had some ulterior motive when in reality all I was pointing out is that there are other readers on this site, lurkers as prettykeety described them, who are not black women.

          *shrugs*

        1. Trust me, I was blown away when this info was shared with me. Like I said though, that's not my place to share. I'm a writer here but not an admin.

          I will say I was shocked by the percentage of caucasian readers and I'll leave it at that.

        2. "I will say I was shocked by the percentage of caucasian readers and I'll leave it at that."

          What type of backend stuff y'all got going on that you can determine the race of your lurkers?! If that's the case, the techy in me is impressed, lol…

        3. I don't understand your response… It's been an observation of mine that quite a few black women really don't care what a black man TRULY thinks while the rest of the world is far more interested. (smiling while walking away laughing fiendishly and shaking my head)

        4. * snickers * You don't work in I.T., do you?

          What we, the readers of SBM.org, see and use is the FRONTEND of the website…the GUI (Graphical User Interface). What the admins use is part of the BACKEND of the website…which collects data inputs from the FRONTEND.

          I hope that blurb helps to make my question make sense…cause it had NOTHING to do with anything you said.

          (smiling while walking away laughing fiendishly and shaking my head)

      3. @WIM …where in my paragraphs did I suggest that people of other races or genders didn’t read the site? Even in my one sentence (that, as it turns out was fact, not opinion, thanks for reinforcing it) I never said, or implied that *only* black women read the site. Did you gather that from my tone? I am trying to understand why your opinion was relevant to the topic? That’s why I suggested it was unnecessary. And certainly anyone could say anyone else’s opinion is frivolous in any situation, but you have to agree sometimes its odd when things are “pointed out” out of nowhere, right? For example, when people are talking about taco spiciness and someone else runs in and says “HEY THERE’S BURGERS HERE TOO. Y’all tacos just crunch so loud nobody ever notices the burgers”…its like that’s cool………but we were talking about spicy tacos so…..

        I feel like we’re doing a lot of circle talking thoug, i am not seeking out a “youre right” or even suggesting this argument will end up anywhere. I still didnt particularly care for your response to mine though 🙂

        1. "I still didnt particularly care for your response to mine though 🙂 "

          At the end of the day this is all that really needed to be said, lol! (But I understand feeling the need to be understood) Although, the analogy talk of tacos and burgers got me hungry, lol.

          *hopping off the hamster wheel*

  26. Wow! Damn!

    All I can say is… I be damned if I let anybody run me up outta my HOUSE; that’s just me though, but I can only imagine how hard it must be to catch so many e-beatdowns because of your dating preferences.

    I will miss CTHU at those posts and the commentary that followed. *smh*

    But I’m sure there’s other material up your sleeve.

  27. Dr. J, you know that I will miss your writing about relationships here. It’s gonna be strange but I look forward to your future posts.

    On the other hand, I truly feel that you have revealed much of what there is to know about men, women, love, sex, relationships & everything in between…thanks for that.

  28. *SIGH*

    The thing I always dug about Dr. J’s opinion is that oftentimes the responses are soooo polarizing. Somewhat similar to mine … You have me beat tho … you and Adonis. Maybe it’s the underdog vibe you always give off that makes me appreciate your perspectives. I personally don’t care for non-controversial comment sections, yours generally offer some pretty negative responses, which always gave me more to write about. Anyways, hopefully u keep the controversy up even if it isn’t dating related.
    Anyways, I understand the internal struggle u’ve endured, since my joining just this summer … i can only imagine how far it dates back.

    *Cough* I’d be honored to take your place … I live for this ish *Cough*

  29. 1. Dr. J & I have to get to a point where you have a solid reality & never allow anyone to affect that reality… esp. as you strive for RockStar status

    2. I could blog about my adventures in relationships, once I have track record of quality relationships & ending things well… I believe BW in America will eventually get over BM IR dating & work with the men they are interested in & vice versa…

    3. I want to have children born & raised in different countries (they all have to learn English & I would have to learn their respective language as an expert….)… & of course American black children fits in there somewhere…

    4. I think I need to lurk more & listen more myself & get off the relationship train…

    I forgot what else I wanted to say… Enjoy Dr. J

    SSTTE

    "It's Not Matrimony, It's Macaroni" – Kenny Redd

    1. 1. Dr. J & I have to get to a point where you have a solid reality & never allow anyone to affect that reality… esp. as you strive for RockStar status

      It's the Wale in us rather than Drake. He's prolly one of the most sensitive rappers in the game … It's cuz he cares so much about other people's opinion and simply doesn't just say what the fcuk ever with what ya think. Lately, i've cared less about whether people like me, but more so whether or not I'm understood. Nothing wrong with understanding and still disagreeing.

      If you don't know what i mean by the Wale statement … Listen to a track off his latest mixtape called "Samples and Sh*t" … The 2nd verse, he speaks on twitter and his reactions to people's opinions.

  30. ITS ABOUT TIME!!!!!

    I stopped coming to the site, except to read my Spec’s blog posts. Because I love he,LOL!

    No, but seriously, IMO it got very repetitive. It was no longer stimulating to me. It didn’t evoke any feeling other than ‘are you serious’. How may way can you say the same thing. Ladies, unless this is your man writing this blog….get a man, learn from your mistakes, and ask God for guidance moving forward PERIOD! IMO of course.

    But I am truly inclined to see what other single black male’s perspectives you have. Lets see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

    Smooches,
    L to the J

  31. ITS ABOUT TIME!!!

    Well it's been a while since I have been on here. I read my Spec's posts weekly, but only because I love he, LOL.

    No, but seriously. It's about time. I stopped coming to the site and commenting because in how many ways can you continue to say the same thing. The blogs posts no longer evoked any thoughts other than 'are your serious'. Ladies, your man ain't this man writing this blog. Get a man, learn from your mistakes and ask God for guidance PERIOD! IMO it got repetitive.

    So I am truly inclined to see what other single black man's perspectives you have. Let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

    Smooches,
    L to the J

  32. ITS ABOUT TIME!!!

    Well it's been a while since I have been on here. I read my Spec's posts weekly, but only because I love he, LOL.

    No, but seriously. It's about time. I stopped coming to the site and commenting because in how many ways can you continue to say the same thing. The blogs posts no longer evoked any thoughts other than 'are your serious'. Ladies, your man ain't this man writing this blog. Get a man, learn from your mistakes and ask God for guidance PERIOD! IMO it got repetitive.

    So I am truly inclined to see what other single black man's perspectives you have. Let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

    Smooches,
    L to the J

  33. Dear Dr. J,

    Dude forget the haters! To modify your blogs to please the people who dont like what you have to say is nonsense. Yes you have some controversial topics that push buttons but your honesty is refreshing. As a woman I know that our comments can be pretty harsh at times especially when your bringing up topics such as skin complexion and interracial dating but i think we stand together when I say you are respected. So what your not the guy that gets a millions thumbs up on a post, guess what your not going to be loved by everyone. You can think of yourself as the wild card on this site and in my opinion thats not a bad place to be. Keep doing you and know that there are people on here that can handle your honesty.

  34. I can understand the bitterness some black women feel regarding interacial dating. We would almost dishonor our forfathers if we give loyalty to a white man who, although many years ago, raped and often impregnated us with their children. Now we don't have enough of you to embrace, love and care for us its forcing us to give our loyalties, love and affection to these men that once tortured us. I do hope that more women can look beyond the history and open themselves to interracial dating as we are so deserving of a good man to love. In the words of Ralph Banks, author "The more Black women limit themselves to Black men, the more power Black men gain."

    1. – gosh, what a terribly racist thing to say. i can't even read this without cringing as a black girl who considers herself part of the human race.

  35. Well I enjoy reading the blog. I may not agree many times but I read b/c I do want to hear a man's opinion. Sorry to hear you don't want to post on this topic anymore.
    Opinions to the contrary are just that. Mines were never to discourage anyone form continued writing. To be honest if I agreed with everything I probably wouldn't read cause whats the point of discussing something with a group of people who are all of the same opinion?? Now that sound boring to me.
    But hopefully a hiatus will bring you back with new experiences and many more stories to tell. And of course thicker skin.

  36. Sooooo, I stopped reading the last chunk of comments bcuz they seemed a lil redundant. No offense. I just read todays article not as an “I don’t like to hear the word no” kinda thang but more of a dissatisfaction with the lack of insightful vocabulary some ppl use. -meaning if u disagree with my points, we have a discussion but bcuz ur just throwin jabs all willy nilly there’s nothin he can do with that. I’d get sick of it too and take a side bar for a minute. Sometimes u just gotta step away and let ppl fight with themselves bcuz jumpin in the middle of somebody else’s crap gets u dirtier them they are.

  37. A man when driven against the wall still stands around and takes the blows of fate with his head held high bleeding bruised and pale.

    Don't let the few break your grind. you have people that appreciate what you bring to the site in regards to relationships and that's what should matter.

  38. "I hate when I meet someone who only dates one race, that to me, no matter how you explain will always seem a bit off to me"

    I agree with this statement 200%

    I haven't been on here long enough but i will say that you don't seem that off to me. I love that the sbm team is honest and forthright with your opinions; I'm glad that you're not falling off the wagon completely as that'd be an injustice for the people who appreciate your opinions. I look forward to reading your take on other issues.
    My recent post Race – an illegitimate concept.

  39. I'm a big Dr. J fan and I've never had a problem with any of his posts (other than getting my feelings hurt by the truth) so for my own sake I'm sad to see him stop writing about relationships. I think I might get a lot dumber now.

    But as a fellow writer, I can certainly understand the disinclination to write about a topic that elicits such ire in people. Nothing worse than putting effort into writing something only to be attacked personally by people who don't like what you have to say.

  40. Dr. J

    I hear what you are saying loud and clear. I empathize with your frustration regarding backlash. I just discovered this site fairly recently and enjoy it immensely. You come straight from the hip and take no prisoners. I too thought your delivery was intentional and invoked the duck and cover responses. They are powerful and demand attention (good or bad). But please don’t take most comments so seriously. Hell early on folks did not even comprehend your intentions, though they are clearly stated. As you know many of us read and not necessarily respond faithfully or at all. At times it is hard even for us readers to endure of all the comments (though I usually do since I enjoy some and can sometimes predict when one of the SBM fam will be compelled to attack, I mean respond).

    Side bar, you all make me ache for home. I miss the east coast. Simply reading your words takes me back. BM with not only intellect, vocabulary, accomplishments, aspirations and confidence, but also the swag to put it all together (even if it is just on paper). Kudos to you all! I love it.

    Also, I’ve never met a white guy I was attracted to. Had long ago decided I would never make the trade. Still can’t imagine it. I have however gone out on what appeared to be a biracial date by onlookers and DAMN, BM hated on that just as much BW give you the blues. BM were cutting their eyes at me and shaking their heads… all in the corners of heir mouths. It was comical to me. I did however have to check in with my companion to see if he was ok. To my surprise he was enjoying the attention and proud as a peacock. So we began to have a little fun and got a little flirty. Not too much, just genuine smiles, eye contact and danced closer than most. My girlfriends frequently announce they are going to start dating out of our race, though not one of them has of yet. After considering your thoughts on the matter I intend to kick the tires, lol. Hell I’ve gone out with BM I was not necessarily physically attracted to. However their personality may have captured my attention, so why not? I sure am getting bold in my old age 🙂 Will keep you posted. Will miss your commentary on the subject. But life is short so if it doesn’t feel good and you don’t have to – don’t do it! Maybe a break will suffice and then you can resume. Either way, I’ll be reading.

  41. When SBM first decided to expand and have other writers on his site, I said from the beginning Dr. J was the one to take a bullet for the team. Regardless of how many people disagree with his opinion, he'd at least have people talking. You don't ignore a Dr. J post.

    Looking forward to your future writing on other topics.

  42. I love how Dr. J has been incognito in the comment section! LOL I think it takes a strong person to take the feedback that comes with this being a writer on here, but only a wiser person will know when to walk away. I applaud that. I am excited for your upcoming posts and the topics you will explore.

  43. Hmm…. Well that was so very dramatic. But I understand.
    I just think the site needs a moderator to keep people on track. There needs to be a voice of objective reason, but at times the women take over! Like "heeeeeeeeeeey" look at me. "I know this site is called single black male but I'm a single black female dammit so look at me. Read ME…. "
    I need the men to take charge and take back the reigns when needed. He's obvisouly directing this towards female readers, and I get it, but what was done to prevent it? Letting women run loose on a male oriented site is not cute and we all know it's not productive. I have been reminded of so much about men and I am truly grateful. I wish more MEN would comment…. and us women just listen more, or least reply with more acceptance rather than anger and emotion. It's annoying at times. I love the ladies that express their sheer bewilderment at the male mind respectfully – and I think they are the majority…? But others need to be checked – they won't check themselves. This is YOUR house, so don't just let folks dirty up the place!
    Anway, I'm sorry you're feeling were hurt Dr. J. : (

  44. I'm going to keep it short and simple. Dr. J your posts are on point, however I must channel by Adolf Ceasar regarding this post. Boy, you goin' let this ol' nappy-headed girl cuss you out like that? You sittin' at the head of your own dinner table and actin' like the waiter! That is all.

  45. Awww, i was hoping Dr. J would respond today 🙁 Maybe all the diff reactions were too much to really deal with..All the best J!

    (Can yall tell that the 99 comments were killing me? I had to push this post to 100 lol)

  46. I haven’t been blogging, nearly as long as you have, but from someone who takes shots constantly for my lifestyle choices and opinions, (people, usually men go in hard) I can say I understand how you feel. But you have to put it in perspective. Online people only have two dimensions. And they can’t see your other one. It is very easy to attack a blogger or commenter. Too easy. It’s sport, catharsis, projection. But its not real.

    As far as black men dating outside the race? No reason to take offense if you figure he either 1. SImply found a woman he was attracted to and it fit or 2. He has an issue with black women or blackness. If its the first situation, nothing I coulda done. In the second, I’m glad he found a non black woman so he’s not on the market where i could possibly end up with him. Let those other women deal with him. In either case, its not a loss to me.

  47. Your #5 would have hurt a whole mess of feelings. I just had this convo with a friend of mine. She’s Jamaican and I’m nigerian-American. When black ethnics think about relationships I believe we see it from a different lens. We have a different history, culture, language etc to pass on and who you marry and/or procreate with can make all the difference in what happens to all that…espicially if you’re a woman who marries outside your ethnic group and takes the name of her husband. abouti think about this a lot and what I say to myself is (besides it aint my fault I was born in America) is, I’m going to do my best to have globally minded kids no matter who I marry and have kids with. And I’m going to marry someone who I can stand…not who my parents can stand. Seems mushy but its the simple truth.

    Anyways, what you mention is an important (and bold) point. One thats part of the huge division among aa and black ethnics. My father doesn’t care if my husband is from Trinidad or Brazil or Russia..but of he were an African American in the mainstream sense of the term, id get the side eye. If I were a man, it may not be such an issue. *sigh* I guess I didn’t make a point. Or maybe alll I’m trying to say is, I feel you lol. All the best on your new journey.

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