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Lesson Learned At The End Of The Affair

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We’d met three years prior on a day trip organized by a mutual friend. On that day we left behind whatever was going on in our real lives and let ourselves be baptismically immersed in the innocent flirtations our attraction forced us to face. An hour or so into the ride home, I put my arm around her as she nestled into the sweet spot between my shoulder and chest and we drifted off to sleep. It’s amazing how intimate the simple act of falling asleep with someone can be; you wake up feeling closer and more connected to them, as if you’d spent the last few hours dancing together through decades in Inception-like dreams. But we woke up and the waking reality of where we were at that point in our lives paled in comparison to the magic we’d captured in that other world. We talked for a month or two after the trip but it just wasn’t the same.

Have you ever had one of these experiences where you spend a few hours or days of perfection with a person someplace outside of your real, daily life? Did you try to maintain the relationship after? How did it work out? In my experience, these sorts of relationships rarely succeed. Relationships work better when they are founded against the backdrop of your typical, everyday circumstances. What do you think?

Three years later after reconnecting through the same mutual friend, we’re laying in bed, my arm is around her, and she’s back in her sweet spot. We’d spent the prior month or so doing the things two people who think they’re falling for each other do. Going out on dates, talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morning, playing the “hang up on the count of 3” game only to laugh hysterically when we get to 3 and neither of us hangs up. You know, all of that corny stuff that feels special and worthwhile at the time. And then we made love and it was good … really good. Now we’re seeing each other. There were no “so what are we” conversations but both of our intentions seemed clear. Everything was moving along quite nicely when three years after initially meeting one another, two months after reconnecting, and one month after having begun sleeping together, I was caught a little off guard when while laying in bed she looked up at me and said “I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to be real … I have a boyfriend.” She proceeded to tell me how she’d been with dude for about a year and a half but also how the relationship had been dying a slow death for the last six months. She told me about how poorly he’d treated her and how she’d wanted to leave but couldn’t muster the courage. I sat there silently digesting all she said realizing that as each of her words passed we grew closer to the inevitable end of our affair. Her selfishness didn’t anger me and I wasn’t the least bit bothered that she’d made me an unwitting accomplice to her infidelity. My disappointment lay in the fact that her actions put a definitive expiration date on something I’d hoped would be indefinite.

When she finished pouring out her heart, she looked up at me and asked “so, what do you think I should do?” I knew what she wanted me to say. In her mind, I was supposed to tell her that she should leave him and be with me, that I cared for her, and that I wanted her for myself. I said no such thing. “I think you should go back to him,” I told her. I told her that she needs to go back to him and figure out what she wanted or what she didn’t want out of their relationship – irrespective of me. I told her that our relationship, at this point, had very little chance of success because all of her feeling for me were comparative and not intrinsic. She liked me because I was not him – and while that’s fun for now, it’s not a strong enough foundation to build a lasting relationship upon. I told her that her leaving him for me would put too much pressure on our relationship, making it impossible for it to grow naturally … organically; she’d always be comparing what she has to what she left. She tried her best to convince me that her feelings for me were “real” and not based on how I compared to him but I was unmoved.

Have you ever left one person for someone else? How did that the two relationships compare? Would you describe the second one as successful? Also, how do we feel about the idea of “taking” someone’s girl/guy. Does the mistreatment of your love interest by their significant other justify you snatching them away? Is that the act of a hero or a nave?



We cut off all communication with each other for awhile to give her time to sort through all of her emotions. As you might have guessed, two weeks later they were broken up and she was once again searching for her sweet spot with me. When she came back, she listed for me all the reasons why they broke up. She did her best to make it clear to me that she was totally over him and over the relationship and she even told me that them breaking up didn’t necessarily mean her and I would get together. She said all of the right things and we slowly settled back into seeing each other. I liked her a lot and I loved spending time with her, but despite all this, something just didn’t seem right. The emotional freedom that existed at the beginning of our affair was gone, replaced by a barely noticeable but inescapable sense of impending doom. Prior to her revelation, we’d never argued and now we’d find ourselves in awkward little tiffs. We’d never grow tired of each other’s company and now we were beginning to annoy each other.

The boiling point came one evening after a particularly uninspired round of togetherness. Laying there, I told her that I didn’t think we were going to work. That it was probably best if we ended it here before the annoyance and discontent permeating our relationship grew into hatred and loathing. She didn’t take this so well (it was here that I learned that breaking up right after sex is not such a good idea). We argued. Really, she argued. She fought for us. First telling me that she would not let me give up on “us” so easily; that she would not let me run from my feelings. It took almost an hour to show her that she didn’t really believe that was the case. Then her hurt turned to anger as she accused me of using her, of taking what I wanted from her without ever giving her anything in return, but she didn’t believe that either. Finally, her brain too tired to hide what she really felt, from the overflow of heart came the truth: “I just feel like … I left him for you, and now you’re leaving me.” She realized what her words meant as soon as she said them. The tears dried and she began to calm. It was then that she came to know what I already knew: it would never have worked. Relationships are fragile and romance is delicate. Everything counts – from when you meet to how you meet to why you meet – it’s all important. All the pieces matter. We learned this together … at the end of our affair.

What do you guys think? Did I do the right thing in ending things? Should I have given the relationship more of an opportunity to flourish? Have you ever been in a similar situation? Ever been intimate with someone only to find out they had a boyfriend or girlfriend? What lessons have you learned as the result of failed relationships?

 

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

Lastly, a small matter of personal branding. Those of you who’ve been reading me for awhile have come to know me as TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld. Well, as new opportunities present themselves, it’s time to start going by the government. Yes, I’m officially retiring the moniker “TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld.” Feel free to continue to call me “Most” if you like, it’s more a formal change than anything. Thanks!

Comment(156)

  1. Wow this was great! I felt like you were telling MY story (but the roles were switched). "Relationships work better when they are founded against the backdrop of your typical, everyday circumstances"…<–I AGREE!!!

    1. This is stellar writing and thank God you realized breaking up with someone after a romping, even if mediocre, is REALLY BAD TIMING 😉

  2. Wow! This is an amazing piece. Go head Mr. Spradley! I've never been in this type of predicament, so I can't respond to the questions. However, the writing was great.

    "Finally, her brain too tired to hide what she really felt, from the overflow of heart came the truth."

    I'm curious to know if you got that from Luke 6:45. It's definitely biblical. – "For out of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaks."

    1. Thanks Nikki.

      And yes this quote:

      "Finally, her brain too tired to hide what she really felt, from the overflow of heart came the truth."

      was an allusion to Luke 6:45. I think that as people wear down mentally and emotionally that part of our brain that makes us able to mask the things we really feel grows tired too. Eventually, we can't do it anymore and we're forced to just say the things we really feel. That's what happened here. She knew in her heart that she'd left her guy for me. It just took her breaking down a little for those words to actually leave her mouth.
      My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing

      1. “her brain too tired to hide what she really felt, from the overflow of heart came the truth”. Those are very true words. Great post!

        P.S.- I told you eventually I would delurk.

  3. Amazing post Most. I identify with some many things separately that I’ll probably have to read this again tomorrow.
    My favorite part: “It’s amazing how intimate the simple act of falling asleep with someone can be; you wake up feeling closer and more connected to them, as if you’d spent the last few hours dancing together through decades in Inception-like dreams”
    I’ve always loved sleeping with someone next to me, but I’m very picky about who I sleep (cuddle up under and allow our bodies to mold comfortably together) with. That quote describes why perfectly.

  4. Everything counts – from when you meet to how you meet to why you meet – it’s all important. All the pieces matter.

    This is so true. I recently learned this lesson… and its kind of a hard one. The circumstances were all wrong and it wouldn’t have worked with out great sacrifice, a sacrifice that neither of us wanted to make. If we lived in some alternate universe where we had different connections I think our relationship would have been amazing, but in this universe it was doomed. It was difficult to walk away (well actually I was pushed away :/ ) but I know that in the end it was the right thing, more important relationships stayed in tact and I think with time we can remain friends!

    Its eerie how you always post things at the exact right time in my life, Most (or Mr. Spradley), but I’m glad that you highlighted how important every aspect is in a good relationship.

  5. I've been in a situation where i had a "magic moment" that probably never would've happened had w not gone away on our day trip. We didn't pursue anything past that day though.

    I think a relationship can flourish from "get-away romance" as long as the two people are mature enough to realize that things are going to be different when they get back to the real world and that just because things seemed magical during the getaway doesn't mean that the fairy tale will continue effortlessly. Once you realize that, you'll be able to (and hopefully more apt to) put in the work needed to make the relationship work.
    My recent post 9/11: Never Forget

  6. Nice read. Interesting that I came upon this post today. I recently started seeing a guy, and only to find out just this past weekend that he's married. To a beautiful black woman. Sucks for me cuz…. he's a hedge fund manager. And he's cute. And he's got a decent personality. And he's an HBCU grad. Guys like that don't stay on the market long.

    Either way, its sucks cuz he was totally feelin' me. We had clicked and stuff, he seemed like such a gentleman. I don't know what the current state of his marriage is, if he's unhappy, if he's about to leave her, if she's about to leave him… whatever it is, not my problem, and I can't be a part of it… no matter how tempting it might be. Glad I found things out at the beginning as opposed to the end but…. yeah. It sucks.
    My recent post Once Again… Not in Kansas anymore

    1. I quit a part time job once because I was attracted to my married boss. It was an innocent crush at first but when he began to pursue things with me, I knew I wouldn't have the nerve to resist him. I liked him too much. I quit soon after and never returned anymore of his calls.

  7. Well-said. It can be far too easy to confuse magic moments for the making of something real, or sustainable.

    Meanwhile, when I first started reading the post, I said to myself “Mr. Spradley? Who is that?” *chuckle* I can dig it, though.

  8. "Finally, her brain too tired to hide what she really felt, from the overflow of heart came the truth: “I just feel like … I left him for you, and now you’re leaving me.” She realized what her words meant as soon as she said them."

    How you meet them is how you keep them. It's good that you left, you should never feel special b/c someone left their significant other for you because when times get hard they'll play those same cards with you. She was'nt falling for you but the feelings that you gave her. And lol yea breaking up right after sex is dangerous, she could have acted like Brandy from "It's a thin Line" with Martin Lawerance that girl was crazy

  9. I'd only wanted to sneak a quick look at SBM before running out, and I may end up not having anything to contribute later on, but I just have to say for the umpteenth time that you have great storytelling skills.

  10. I actually say "The End of the Affair" kinda recently… within the past year if I recall correctly. It was definitely one of those "HOW haven't I seen this already?!" type films. My bizarre crush on Ralph Fiennes led me to it (I also like Julianne Moore as an actress) and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Great storytelling and filmmaking overall.

    Speaking of storytelling, you are BAWSE at it, Most Spradley (tee hee!). I'm over here about to fall out my seat since you got me on the edge of it. 😉
    My recent post Friday Foolery: A WTF Wedding

  11. I’ve never been in this predicament myself but I must say great post Most Spradley! Loved this read! Idk if there’s more to add but I’d like to hear more.

  12. i swear i wasn’t ready for this … when she told you she had a bf my mouth dropped wide open…. awww i’m sorry Mr . Most … i honestly think a relationship built on lies/ mistrust never works out …. i definately don’t agree with breaking up after sex though… hope you learned that lesson ! i think you did the right thing…bet it hurt like hell though…. 🙁

  13. Great Read!!

    I think you did the right thing by ending it early, because I think it would’ve turn ugly anyway because I don’t feel You would have fully trusted her after knowing this, and she basically would constantly be walking on eggshells.

  14. You did the right thing and the smart thing by leaving when you did. Clearly you saw how it was going to end, and adjusted accordingly. The truth is, if you hadn’t left her, she would’ve eventually got bored with you and left you for somebody else. It seems like she’s very emotional and likes the newness of the relationships, the infatuation stages if you will. When that wears off, the next stage of love is never reached, and she’s gone.

    1. "…The truth is, if you hadn't left her, she would've eventually got bored with you and left you for somebody else. […] When that wears off, the next stage of love is never reached, and she's gone."

      THIS!!!

    2. Co-sign here. But to play devil's advocate some, this characteristic would imply the woman will always leave someone for someone else and never settle down. Who's to say this wasn't the time that ended this particular character trait? I'm sure there are plenty of wo(men) who are like this…that leaves one for someone else continuously…that eventually settle down on one person. Right?…..Right? lol.

      1. "I'm sure there are plenty of wo(men) who are like this…that leaves one for someone else continuously…that eventually settle down on one person. Right?…..Right? lol."

        Trying to convince yourself, Larry, LOL!

      2. You're right. My friend's mom left her dad for a different dude. They're still together after like 15 years. *shrugs* It happens.

    3. " It seems like she's very emotional and likes the newness of the relationships"

      How did you come to this conclusion? I didn't interpret that in the story. Basically she was creeping and kept it hidden for awhile and tried to justify it (he don't treat her right, she can't muster the strength to leave.. blah blah blah) because let's face it EVERYONE gets giddy in the early stages (the newness) of a relationship. So I wouldn't chalk this up to her being very emotional, etc.

      1. I think there's a lot of assuming taking place in the comment. But, there's a chance it may be accurate.

        It happens all the time. You mistake being infatuated with being in love….convincing yourself and the other guy that THIS IS IT! Then, the novelty wears of, the rela gets real, and, instead of working through things, you begin to look for a new venture. Its the thrill of the chase (don't ask me how I know…lol).

        1. And therein is the problem. The infatuation phase causes one to be oblivious to a lot of red flags. At the very least, she’s hooked on the infatuation phase. On the other hand, she could’ve been one of those people who can’t stand to be alone, and has to constantly be in a relationship. The problem is (I’m betting here) is that those relationships are going to overlap, which means she’ll be a serial cheater as well, since she won’t actually leave a relationship unless she has one waiting in the wings which appears to be what she tried to do in this situation. Either way, run…

  15. I don't have time to be all emo this morning – I have a 10AM meeting then I need to catch a flight LOL
    In any case I have been here but he was "separated" and told me after we reconnected. I realized I was a plug in the hole that was in his marriage and that's a horrible place to be. I didn't have time to wait and see if he would actually go through with the divorce so I left and of course he worked it out. Hard lesson learned is that separated is still married no matter what you tell yourself.

    This was a great story as always!!
    Oh and you know now I have all of my BC becoming lurkers on this site LOL.

  16. Great story…I wasn't expecting the bomb she dropped on you.

    I've never been in a similar situation personally, but I suppose you did the right thing.

    One lesson I've learned from a failed relationship is, just because he looks good on paper…doesn't mean he's good for me. My ex and I knew each other since high school, and were actually pretty good friends back then. We reconnected…and it was not a good relationship. At all. Despite the fact that he had no kids, a good job, into fitness…and many other things that I value…we were not compatiable emotionally. Dude had alot of pain that he hasn't addressed, and this pain was a barrier between us and made for a very unhealthy relationship. I was unfair to myself in trying to make it work.

    1. "One lesson I've learned from a failed relationship is, just because he looks good on paper…doesn't mean he's good for me."

      YES YES YES! *waves church fan*

  17. Awesome post….Awesome post….

    i have been in a similar situation, he left her for me..told me much later after i was in a bit deep but i couldn't get past of my fear of what if he left me for someone else too… ruined everything. I had to let go

    "Relationships are fragile and romance is delicate. Everything counts – from when you meet to how you meet to why you meet – it’s all important."

    That is the gospel truth!

  18. This was a great story MOST..err Mr. Spradley…lol…nevertheless I feel that it was YOU…once you realized you had her all to yourself realization set in..and perhaps, you got a bit nervous and that is why YOU broke it off with her…I believe you didn't really give the relationship a fair chance to grow….you got scared and ran….Men have been doing this since the beginning of time….these are my views although most people seem to want to focus on the romantic telling of the story…I see it a bit differently.

    1. but isn't that the logical thing to do, you realize that you are going down the wrong path and you turn the other way. Sometimes you don't need to give the relationship a fair chance to grow, because you know that nothing good will come of it. When your foundation is shaky your house will never be safe no matter how nice it seems.
      My recent post For those seeking to expand their vocabulary while giving back to underserved communities, my GRE teacher just told me about a site called freerice.com where you can learn new words and for every word that you get correct, 10 grains of rice is donated to help end world hunger! Check it out!

    2. I’m gonna have to agree. Although as an outsider, the is no way I can know what was going onn your mind, the rationalization “this will never work” is weak. Although it sounds perfectly reasonable. Relationships work when two people are motivated to make them work. Not by magic. Sure there can be magic, but it never lasts, even in the best relationships. You lost the motivation to make it work when she told you about the bf. You ceased to trust her, and her feelings. You feared she’d leave you for him and you had a good sounding “objective” reason to check out. “It” won’t work. As if “it” is something separate from you. Don’t you think your checking out contributed to the arguments that made your self fulfilling prophecy look like gospel? Is it possible that your clean, final memory of her confirming your reasons was just her giving in? Of course, those are just impressions i got from reading. I don’t know you. But maybe?

        1. And….is it possible you were providing her with what exactly she needed/wanted. Thats why she left ol boy. Why is it hard for men to believe that women are emotional. And 99% of what we do is based off of emotions. And once she showed you she was not going anywhere, you should have given her a chance. But you left. SMH!

        2. I just wanna jump in here and say, why is it only ok for women to point out that they're emotional but when a man does it…………..it never ends well.

          I'm just sayinnnn.

          *exits*

        3. Emotions are ever changing and shifty! You NEVER make permanent decisions based on emotions alone or while in a purely emotional state. NEVER NEVER NEVER! The women who continue to do this will continue to LOSE!

          She was fighting to keep from being left alone looking stupid…not for him. BIG difference… They hadn't even been in a relationship long enough for it to be THAT deep…LOL.

          And she proved that she wasn't going anywhere by agreeing to a committed relationship with him? The same way she agreed to a committed relationship with her last BF? The same way she proved that cheating is okay for as long as its justifiable??? Really???? Where's the punchline here, lol. This MUST be a joke…lol.

        4. I mean my thing was she wasn't married..and yeah she lied…but, she probably was in the moment of feeling you..not sure where it was going..and she told you her and the guy were having alot of problems and she didn't have the courage to go..so there were many factors…I also felt like the problems were not insurmountable…..she ultimately did choose you…and if you wanted to you could have made a go of it..but, you chose to move on…..which was your choice as well.

        5. Sometimes, there's no "but"…..

          The truth is, had he stayed with her and she did it again (which I'm pretty sure she would have), most of the posters on here would've been saying something along the lines of "Where's your common sense? She did it to him, what made you think she wouldn't do it to you", and tried to make him look like a fool, which he would've been for not reading the writing on the wall. The truth is that if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. (even though you didn't know she was initially cheating with you)

          Karma is a b*tch and of the pit bull variety.

        6. My point exactly, Streetz. I normally give credit to the ladies for their viewpoints, but something about some of their comments kinda creeps me out. I don't know if they really are on her side because they're giving her the benefit of the doubt or if there's something reeking of possible self-interest here. lol *shots fired*

  19. I’ve been on both sides of this fence….being you in the situation above and even the guy with another girl and if karma served me right im sure i might’ve been the man being played as well and every time i knew it was better to leave it alone…its impossible to build something solid on such a weak foundation of lies, infidelity and betrayal. In the end a fling is just that, if the both of u truly felt there was potential you would’ve just got together on the up and up.

  20. great post my man.

    i had something similar like this happen to me. similar but not the same. to answer your questions.

    "Have you ever had one of these experiences where you spend a few hours or days of perfection with a person someplace outside of your real, daily life? Did you try to maintain the relationship after? How did it work out? In my experience, these sorts of relationships rarely succeed. Relationships work better when they are founded against the backdrop of your typical, everyday circumstances. What do you think?"

    i've had plenty of days like this. not a care in the world. i don't think i've ever tried to maintain that relationship after that time of perfection. some things just seem too right and you know they would never work out.

    "Have you ever left one person for someone else? How did that the two relationships compare? Would you describe the second one as successful? Also, how do we feel about the idea of “taking” someone’s girl/guy. Does the mistreatment of your love interest by their significant other justify you snatching them away? Is that the act of a hero or a nave?"

    i've never left a woman for another. that's setting myself up for failure. in the story i want to tell this woman was adamant about leaving her boyfriend for me. i'm not here to save anyone. if you can't save yourself first then there's nothing i can really do for you. in a relationship there are two roles which i refuse to play and that's daddy and hero. i think that's asking too much of a person.

    great post again
    My recent post The Dating Game

  21. Mmmmmhhhh … Indeed I have been left by a woman for another man. Wanna talk about ego/pride killer. Smh. They worked together and I basically watched it unfold right in front of me, but i couldn't do anything to stop it because i was working almost 70hrs/day Mon-Friday. We dated for 3 years in college (2 different schools, same state) and upon graduation we moved back to our hometown and it didn't last longer than 3 months. I respect her honesty, but in the end those situations never work out in the end. I didn't see her for a few months and several extra pounds later she was no longer with him and I was no longer even attracted to her, but she was still wanting me back and apologizing. My feelings for her evaporated like the Colts chance of making the playoffs without Manning. 3 years later, she's finally given up.

    1. Come to think of it, I too have been left by a woman for another man, and it too unfolded right in front of me when I was in college. Maybe I was too trusting, but buddy called her a couple times at unreasonable hours and she would look totally irritated and surprised/confused. I am a secure person so I trusted and never worried about it. We broke up that summer for a supposed "break"…her idea of course….two weeks later she's with buddy. Much like your story they didn't last…I graduated and really didn't hear from her for 4 years. She reappeared on some friendly stuff one day and out of the blue one night text me, "I'm sorry". lol, smh. I didn't even ask for what b/c I already knew.

      And yes, your Colts are struggling more than Pam Oliver's weave on HD tv.

    2. "…I didn't see her for a few months and several extra pounds later she was no longer with him and I was no longer even attracted to her, but she was still wanting me back and apologizing. My feelings for her evaporated […] 3 years later, she's finally given up."

      Dang… The broad gave up after THREE years?!?!?! It took a similar chick who hung around me the sight of seeing an even better female with me before she got "that"… (smile) Didn't give a f*******ck about the runaway female's begging and crying… Just took her coldness and flung it back with the same…and a smile…

    3. come to think about it i've been left by a woman for another dude. when she realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side i eventually took her back. to be young, dumb and in love [or so i thought].
      My recent post The Dating Game

  22. Wish I had more time today.

    Let me just add:

    1) Great post.

    2) I've been in a similar situation, unfortunately, more than once.

    3) I cant really disagree with what was said or how it was done. In fact, your experience was a lot more concise than most of my own. In trying not to "hurt anyone's feelings" aka not deal with a woman crying, I have had more drawn out liaisons that clearly werent going anywhere and we both knew it.

    4) I dont believe in taking another man's woman (not on purpose anyway), even if she wants to be took.

    1. "…I dont believe in taking another man's woman (not on purpose anyway), even if she wants to be took…"

      (smile) You can't take from a man someone whom is HIS… In other words, if you have "taken" her from him, she was never "his" to begin with… (smiling fiendish) Just fairing up something I had heard while overhearing a couple of females back in the day….

      "…In trying not to "hurt anyone's feelings" aka not deal with a woman crying, I have had more drawn out liaisons that clearly werent going anywhere and we both knew it…" It's been my experience to "hurt" the female's feelings with the truth that such a "thing" wouldn't last… As far as I can observe, she's going to see you as a jerk anyway, BUT after she finishes emoting, she'll see that you were at least considerate enough to her to tell her the truth upfront… (smile) Something of which in THIS case she wasn't woman enough to do…

      1. "(smile) You can't take from a man someone whom is HIS… In other words, if you have "taken" her from him, she was never "his" to begin with…"

        I hear/read this all the time, and I get what all of you are trying to say, but at the base level of things, it's wrong. Ex: A is B's girlfriend. Fact. C comes in and dances his way into her heart, knowing full well that she's "accounted for". A falls hard and leaves B. B is no longer A's girlfriend as a result of C's actions; therefore, C "stole" B. To say that no one can be taken away from another is to imply that most relationships are a sham. The reality is that even the most perfect-looking relationship has its flaws that can be exploited, or that could make someone else appealing to one of the partners involved. That does not change the status of the person prior to the introduction of the disturbance, particularly if they were actually fully invested in the relationship up until that point.

        1. I agree. I think it's something WE say to make ourselves feel better about 'being left'

          Kinda like if a relationship works "it was heaven made". If it doesn't, "it wasn't meant to be"

          *Yeshrug*

        2. I believe that's part of it.

          lol, I just realized that I messed up my characters. Blasted, treacherous letters!

        3. "…To say that no one can be taken away from another is to imply that most relationships are a sham…." Which is why it's important to be honest enough to know when a "relationship" IS a sham…

          "…The reality is that even the most perfect-looking relationship has its flaws that can be exploited…" Not into being exploited, so female gets dropped at even a hint of such… If she's too flaky to put in commitment, she will definitely get dropped…

          Again, if the female wants to leave, let her be woman enough to do so… Be woman enough to say "that's it" and STEP… (smile) Then again, she may get something close to "Already Gone" back…
          My recent post Lesson Learned At The End Of The Affair

    2. Because of my comment difficulties, i'll just append my comment to WIM's here. I hope he doesn't mind as this may be a repeat of what he just said.

      1) Y'all need to start asking Most if the story is a true story before you associate your feelings about the character in the story with him.
      2) I'm not calling another man, Mister. Hell to the naw. So i'll either call you Sprads or just continue with Most. You decide.
      3) Am I the only one who read this and was reminded of the movie, Closer?
      4) Can I drive? OK… This what I would have done. You should have gone along with it. That situation was completely in your favor. You basically always had a reason to break it off whenever you wanted to, or stay if you wanted. You could have kept that around as a solid reserve. She could have been your Eddie Jones. Soon as you got the real franchise player in place, just jettison her. And you could have just cited that it was because of her past sins.
      5) I wish I had a picture of this shorty. She has Bassica written all over her. Tell you right now, Cassie could tell me that she was done with Diddy. I would know she was lying, and each time I saw new pics of her and Diddy on YBF or MTO, I would just be like … "Ima let it rock…"

  23. I love you're writing style. I've been in a situation where I was with someone for a few days and it was perfection and magic, but of course real life hit and the magic disappeared. It was a matter of distance though, and I suppose I could've made it work if I wanted too…but the problem is I would've had to make all the major sacrifices for that to work…it wasn't a 50/50 type of deal. Maybe in the next lifetime.

    But never again will I get myself into a situation like that, at least not purposely.

    My recent post MsFemmeFatale82: @SlimeBossMajor lol how are you steph?

  24. Great post , Most

    "I told her that our relationship, at this point, had very little chance of success because all of her feeling for me were comparative and not intrinsic. She liked me because I was not him – and while that’s fun for now, it’s not a strong enough foundation to build a lasting relationship upon. I told her that her leaving him for me would put too much pressure on our relationship, making it impossible for it to grow naturally.."

    Very good point here. Very true in real life. I find it ironic, though, that Hollywood portrays this scenario as the ideal. Girl leaves old relationship to be with other super great guy and they live happily ever after (see: The Notebook). The movie that comes to the top of head that closely resembles this ideaology and bucks the normal Hollywood story line is, "Definitely, Maybe".

  25. Oh, and this:

    "She didn’t take this so well (it was here that I learned that breaking up right after sex is not such a good idea). "

    Lol! Comedy…lesson learned.

  26. So, I think I have come to a point in which I have lost all faith in relationships. I think people are just lazy and spoiled and don't want to work on anything anymore. I don't know what you should have done, because only you know what you want. But the facts are these: you just didn't want her. Yea, beginnings are important, but people act like everything great comes from great beginnings. WRONG. People use excuses because of what they feel instead of making something work. Just imagine if an engineer "feels" like a fault in a bridge should be a reason for its destruction, we would have no bridges.

    My recent post Day 15- Weight Loss Challenge

    1. Perhaps you just didn't want her, and that's the truth of the matter. I'm so tired of the excuses. It was poetic and all that great stuff, but the reality of the situation is you wanted her the way you had her, and no in the way were "having her." There's a sweetness in newness and forbiddenness, but there's gold in something that you've worked on.

      Anyways, this piece was quite nice. Maybe I'm just sadden by my love situation, but I see bull written all throughout the spaces of your words. (Disclaimer: everyone knows I'm a fan of Most..huge fan…this is just how I "feel.")
      My recent post Day 15- Weight Loss Challenge

        1. You allowed your EGO to control you. And not your heart. For the life of you, you just couldn't see yourself coming behind dude. No matter what she did you were just CERTAIN she was comparing you. Women don't necessarily work like that. We cheat emotionally, not always physically. So once she gave you the panties, she was ALL in, pun intended. But you didn't see that.

        2. The "support" this chick is getting today is BLOWING MY MIND! WOW!

          LMBO…unreal. You were not married to her. You had every right to respectably bounce if you deemed it necessary…which you did, lol…and good for you, lol.

        3. I think there's a bit too much reaching here. You've gone beyond offering theories to actually telling him exactly what he was doing and how he was feeling. I'll let Sir Spradley speak for himself, although I certainly get annoyed when people do that to me. If I'm wrong for not being able to get past the fact that someone was simultaneously deceiving me and their partner, then I'll be that. I'm happy for her and her fluffy feelings and all, but miss me with all that dishonesty. I choose not to build my relationship on such a significant lie. Omission of truth is still a lie.

        4. Actually I'm inclined to say his ego was kept in check on this one. An out of control ego would've caused him to think that it couldn't/wouldn't happen to him unlike the previous guy because the previous guy had to be lame unlike Most for her to be stepping out on him. Any dude that has the "Mr.Steal your Girl" mentality is controlled by the ego; not the other way around. I'd be inclined to say "Most" thought clearly about the situation and the risks involved once the pertinent information had been revealed; i.e, the lying and cheating.

        5. You weren't "wrong" you just weren't right. People forget that you can control how you feel. Your mind is indeed that powerful. It was a pride thing, as mentioned before, when it came to oh' girl. If you really wanted her, it would have happened.

          I don't know your situation outside what you've said, because it could have indeed just been, and suppose to be, a short-lived love affair.

          If the shoe was on the other foot, I'll still have the same opinion. Oh girl is definitely at fault because she's proven to be untrustworthy.

          Maybe I can take something from this though. Be transparent and leave "the representative" at home. Had she been upfront with you at first, would you still be down to love her?
          My recent post Day 15- Weight Loss Challenge

      1. I so get everything you are saying! Its almost like if he really wanted to be with her the circumstances as to how they ended up together wouldn't have mattered. Once she didn't have a man anymore didn't Most win but he didn't see it that way. It made me wonder why he allowed her to come if he felt this way.

        1. True but I dont think it was so much that he did'nt want to be with her it was that the terms under which he though he was building a genuwine connection with had chnage. If she had broke up with her man with out telling Most he even exisited, then im sure they would have stayed together. I think he was on board with being with her until he found out that he could just possible be the rebound from a broken relationship. But I do agree with you on one point if you want to be with someone you will. I've seen it happen in these situations (like 1 out of 10)

      2. i don't know. she kind of left him with no other option when she failed to tell him she had a boyfriend. i mean what is a guy suppose to do with that? would you continue to see a dude if he told you had he had a girlfriend? i wonder how you would have took this story if a woman wrote it and she was telling a story about sleeping with a dude and he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend.

        1. i wonder how you would have took this story if a woman wrote it and she was telling a story about sleeping with a dude and he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend.

          The female streets would be OUTRAGED!!!!

        2. They would!!! Sometimes we villanize men because they "stay winning" as you say, and we want to point out their flaws as a way to show then that they aren't. But if the tables were turned there would be no talk of "you should have tried harder"
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  27. Did I do the right thing in ending things? Personally, I would dropped the female at the first HINT of having "another"… (See #1 in my response to the last question for motivation)

    Should I have given the relationship more of an opportunity to flourish? Nope… If she had a BF/significant other/boytoy/convenience store pickle, she should be a woman about it and freed herself from that first

    Have you ever been in a similar situation? Yep, several times concerning a female having "a boyfriend", but thanks to #1 in my response to the last question, I'm not telling…

    Ever been intimate with someone only to find out they had a boyfriend or girlfriend? Yep, several times concerning a female having "a boyfriend", but thanks to #1 in my response to the last question, I'm not telling…

  28. What lessons have you learned as the result of failed relationships?

    1) A man's emotions are irrelevant when compared to a female's

    2) A female can drop a man or disappear on a man for any excuse and be applauded, yet a man can drop a female for bonifide reasons and be thought as being a jerk

    3) F*ck what the world thinks–apparently I'm on my own concerning watching my sanity and honor

    1. I kind of agree with point 2 but i think it's because of the stereotypes that exist eg man leaves his wife of ten years – for a younger, prettier version; woman leaves her husband of ten years – because he was (emotionally, physically,financially) abusing her. People are brought up/conditioned to blame the man for things..(first rule of leadership?)

  29. Great post Most. You really have a gift for story-telling. I hope you become a published author, if you’re not already

  30. You're such an awesome storyteller! Bravo, Mr. Spradley…on this post…*cough* and on the nice suit/haircut in the Happy Hour pics *cough*, lol! Here's a high five for Mrs. Most… *high five*! Go head, Lady!

    Now, I think you handled this situation nicely. The mere fact that she was willing to cheat on the person she loved shoulda told you "this chick is NOT worth the risk". Its not like she cheated before you and had time to deal with her cheating ways. It was her at that time in her life…and you woulda been smack dab in the middle of her mess. Rebounds NEVER win. I don't know why she deserved any chance to do anything but have the time and space she needed to get her emotions/thoughts/confidence together. You knew she left him for you…and she was in denial about it. You had a right to protect your own heart.

  31. I will admit that having prospects lined up has helped me to leave a less than desireable relationship in the past (not the same as leaving for a particular person). And, no, rebound relas have never worked out for me. Unless you're a kidnapper, I don't think you can take someone's SO. If he doesn't want to be kept, game over…he's gone. Not the other person's fault…at all. Pursuing me while I'm in a rela is a sure way to ensure that I'd never be with you. That's a character flaw that I just have no desire to entertain. Tell me, "I'll see you next lifetime"…and let me go 'head. With that, if this guy messes up, you just might end up WINNING!

  32. Great post and storytelling! I felt like I was actually there.

    Relationships must be built on a foundation of trust. If it doesnt begin with that, I think youre just setting yourselves up for failure. It sucks she had a bf while making you believe it was just the two of you.

  33. Rebounds NEVER win! …I agree with Cynical, a lot of people (cough) Whitney (cough) are saying that he should have tried harder but maybe they haven't been in a similar situation. I have been that girl, I left my HS boyfriend for college and then right after dated someone else in college. The whole relationship I compared them……like to his face. I ruined the college bf and for the whole year that we were together he was trying to be better than the HS bf, and then I broke it off because he never lived up to the perfect memory that I had of my HS bf. In the end I felt horrible I effed with his emotions for the whole time.

    Then he did some Jamaican Voodoo on me and I ended up in the same situation except this time I was the rebound and I was the one being compared and it was horrible.

    Relationships that start wrong typically end wrong, it took me three times to learn this and the next time I will not give the relationship a chance to flourish. Maybe you have to go through it to know….
    My recent post For those seeking to expand their vocabulary while giving back to underserved communities, my GRE teacher just told me about a site called freerice.com where you can learn new words and for every word that you get correct, 10 grains of rice is donated to help end world hunger! Check it out!

  34. Personally I've never been in this type of situation; Well except that one time when the universe taught me a lesson to make sure that I never forget that "Separated =/= divorced" #enuffsaid.

    I think you handled this situation well – for the most part; the only misstep may have been taking her back after she broke it off with the other guy. Also isn't the "so are you seeing anyone right now" question one of the first that gets thrown out when people are getting to know each other?
    My recent post Race – an illegitimate concept.

  35. Loved it! I felt like I was there and I loved the way you handled it. Trying to put myself in her shoes, I would have excepted where you drew the line (I believe). I think she may have been more embarassed by her actions to persue something that she (also) knew would not last. That's how I would have felt.

  36. Great story. This is my first time reading your work. However, I am just going to go ahead and say it….'you displayed several forms of bitchassness (and I am giving you MAAAAD e-hugz, so don't be mad LOL).

    Simply put, if men would put their ego's aside for just 5 minutes, they would see a totally new world in dealing with women. Fellas, your ego will stop you from having would could be a very fulfilling relationship.

    Smooches,
    L to the J

    1. I'm pretty sure you've read my work before. Did you read the part of the post that said "allow me to reintroduce myself?"

      But I'm confused. The short of this story is I meet a chick, lost touch, reconnected with her, kicked it found out she had a man, fell back, she broke up with her man, came back, we kicked it more but it just wasn't dope so I let it go before it got really wack.

      It wasn't that her comparing him to me bothered me because of my ego. My ego is HUGE. I'm quite positive I'm a way iller n*gga than he was that was never in question. What gave me pause was the initial deception – as that's a character issue and on a more fundamental level the idea that she wasn't really in a place – emotionally – where she had a full understanding of what she was getting herself into. In her mind, breaking up with her boyfriend was only a viable option because she had me to run to. Were I not there, she would have stuck it out. Her last statement to me confirmed that.
      My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

  37. Wow, I really loved your post. It was very insightful. I really need some insight on a relationship and I was hoping I could get some much needed advice from you. If youre willing to hear my story is there a way to email/msg you? Id really appreciate your advice. 🙂

  38. Kriola, I have had nearly the same exact experience with leaving my HS boyfriend for a guy I met in college. There were some minute issues with HS boyfriend that I made too big a deal of, and called it off. The college love knew of HS guy, and though we hadn’t started dating, the fact I hadn’t completely cut all ties with the other guy before talking to him, it was held against me.

    I said all that to say, I feel it is best to end things early on if there is something about the other person that you cannot get past. It is unfair to string them along knowing you are definitely on a dead end street.

  39. Very well written! I think Most simply lost respect for the girl because she lied by not telling him she had a boyfriend, and rightfully so. His gut told him to let her go, and he probably did the right thing. There is a huge double standard, and women can't usually get away with the same shenanigans as men (i.e. cheating and still being seen as a viable option and respectable mate). Women will look past the fact that her man cheated in a previous relationship, thinking she is the one who will change him, when this is rarely the case. He (Most) could have been "the one" she decided to do right by, but I highly doubt it.
    My recent post How To Defend a Racist Rant by Katt Williams

  40. I don't think I would have been able to get past the initial deception. You may not have felt any anger, but I certainly would have. A lot of it, actually. I recently got upset with someone because he's been trying to get with me for months (years, actually), and the last time I hung out with him due to his persistent requests, he took some time aside to call his girlfriend back in the Dominican. When I flabbergastedly asked, "You have a girlfriend??" he responded in the affirmative, and commented that it now didn't matter that I knew since I wasn't giving him a chance anyway. This isn't someone I was taken with, and yet I was annoyed at the thought that I would've been made an unwitting accomplice in his shady affairs. Idiot. Anyway. I wasn't boiling per se, but that's only because I didn't have any personal investment in him. Your case was different. I guess it only illustrates the fact that nothing can be left to assumption. I still don't feel like I should need to ask whether or not people are in relationships when acquiescing to their dating offer, though. Ugh.

    Also, how do we feel about the idea of “taking” someone’s girl/guy. Does the mistreatment of your love interest by their significant other justify you snatching them away? Is that the act of a hero or a nave?

    I believe it is more knavish than heroic. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I respect people's relationships even when they don't. I won't act holier-than-though though; I've had moments where I found my head comfortably nested on an ex's shoulder or engaged in inappropriate recollections while he was in a relationship. However, I never actively pursue anything, and I've made numerous objections to letting things slip past that point. I believe in starting with a clean slate. It's not healthy to enter a relationship when someone is not completely over a previous one, talk less of while they haven't even gotten out of it. Trust? Forget about it. I also need someone who is strong enough to walk away when he is being wronged in a relationship. I will not enable you. If you see the potential for something greater with me, then do whatever you need to in order to get yourself out of that relationship. I'm not about to end up on the receiving end of [insert Avant's "Lie about us" lyrics here].

  41. You did the right thing. The relationship wasn't going to work. She wasn't honest. She wasn't honest with you, and she certainly wasn't honest with herself. I feel like she probably convinced herself she hadn't left her dude for you. The best liars believe their own lies. Don't ask me how I know.

    I have been in a similar situation– my ex had a girlfriend when we met, but she lived in another state. He did not tell me when we first started dating…it only came out later, because when I said I wanted to be in a relationship, he said he didn't. He was very adamant about it, and gave me no explanation. By this time I was already in love with him. He asked if we could be friends and I told him I would need some space first. After all, we had begun as friends, so I just wanted some time to not feel as strongly as I did, then maybe we could continue the friendship. He gave me space…about a month. After that month was up, though, he called me and told me he had changed his mind. That he missed me too much and realized he wanted me in his life and wanted a relationship with me. (Sidenote: I think this is how I managed to get bamboozled into waiting around for a bit when the last guy I dated said, "I don't want a relationship right now." But anyway.)

    I told him I would have to think about it. I'd been having fun enjoying my space, lol. He confessed then, said he didn't want our relationship to be based on lies. I was upset, but somehow not surprised. Clearly I ended up in a relationship with him. We broke up a year later, remained strictly friends until he met his now-wife three years ago. We broke up for a myriad of reasons, but a lot of it had to do with his bevy of female friends. It wasn't even the bevy so much as it was that one. The same one I'd see all the time and she would give me the side-eye. She wanted him and made it clear. He allowed her to do a lot of disrespectful ish…and I was crazy enough to do some dirt of my own…yes. I learned my lesson. Trust is key. I did not trust him, just like you would not have ever trusted her.

    This post was really lovely, by the way. This is the sort of writing that I relish.

  42. First Point…I like the name change, very grown man move.

    Refreshing to read this article, especially since I just (as in last night) was in somewhat of the same circumstance. From our initial "meeting" I knew we couldn't be more than friends. He was newly out of a 5 yr relationship ( a few mths to be exact) and I on the other hand was trying to get adjusted to life as a single parent. I don't care how much I told myself I could keep my emotions intact after we decided to sleep with one another, I couldn't. I end up pushing away from this "Emotionally Unavailable" man and the game of cat and mouse began. I despise all the thrill of the chase bs…either we're friends or we're together. I don't cash checks with just anyone so once we decided to remain friends the check cashing ended but he still did things a boyfriend would do. Long story short and 10mths after initially meeting I was tired of the dead end relationship that played its course (emotionally support we both needed at a critical point in our lives) so I decided to let it go. I gave my valid reasons as to why it should end but the EU friend was shooting down everything I said.
    All this to say reason, season or life time…sometimes it's a hard pill to swallow but you never know how and when things will end.

  43. Great Post. Mr. Spradley… They say “Two wrongs don’t make a right but three rights make a left….”
    You met, exchanged pleasantries, left each other with that burning sensation of infactuation, lost touch, pick back up, “relate”, she discloses the most interesting thing to the most interesting man and dare I say you Projected! Lol Unfortunately, you were caught off guard even though she DID disclose the info. You had NO Choice. SHE REMOVED IT FROM THE BEGINNING. Once she gave you the chance you were able to make an infomed decision. Although, after some time, you came to the realization that “she did it to him, she can do it to me too”. Sooo, You served her the dish best served cold, spoon fed her, then told her the spoon had fallen in the toilet as she took her last bite! Mean? Yes! Wrong? not so much. The point is she gave you no option. Though the place in time and moment you decided to tell her it wasn’t going to work may not have been optimal (for her) The point is you had to let ur feelings be know. Yes I’ve been in that siutation before. Though the story is similar, we are the exception not the rule, we are still together 16 years later married w/kids.

  44. " I liked her a lot and I loved spending time with her, but despite all this, something just didn’t seem right."
    "It was then that she came to know what I already knew: it would never have worked."

    Sucks, huh?
    No matter how good something is, sometimes it's just not the perfect fit you wish it would be.

    Excellent Post, btw.

  45. Interesting Story Mr. Spradley…this would be a great movie….if you can right screenplays and/or scripts you should make this one…*smile*
    At any rate, my question is this: Why does almost everyone on Gods green earth (regardless of color, race or ethnicity) always make relationships so much more difficult than what they should and have to be and always assume that we know for sure what will happen in the future? What is the root of that fear?

  46. Funny (and beautiful) thing though is that we don't have this fear typically when we're young and in love. Young like in our teens and college years. We typically like each other, spend lots of time together, fall in love and just be together and "Live" and let life and love just happen.
    As we get older though we have to have a checklist of things in order to be with a person. In my opinion many times we let go of people we really love and care about and probably could have a great relationship with for some of the dumbest reasons all out of fear. Then we get with and be with a person who fits the "checklist" and aren't happy because we're not truly in love with them and they don't have your heart. It seems like thats what you did Mr. Spradley by letting this woman go. You had most of what you need with her. Great chemistry, conversations, sex obviously, and a great undeniable connection and most impnt you were happy with her. But you let her go even though she left another to be with you because of your fears of bad stuff that might happen if you stayed with her. Your loss…I pray you find it again and hold on to it this time.

    1. Malik what exactly do you mean by "Sonny Liston reach"
      I'm not making excuses for "the broad in the story" lol Yes I think she should have told him from the door she had a man (but how many men have a girl, wife, fwb or whatever and fail to tell the next woman)
      At any rate, she could have never ever told him and just ended things with her man and he never would've been the wiser….but she told him at some point. Really how relevant is the timing? It doesn't change the circumstances.
      At the end though she left the dude and he made every excuse to kick her to the curb.
      One opinion I have is that Mr. Spradley wasn't fully completely ready to fall in love throw caution to the wind style and deal with Everything that comes with being in a serious relationship: the good, the bad and the ugly. And thats fine if that was the case with him….but he should keep digging as deep as he can to figure out what his real fears are and why he has them.

    2. Lol! I love the Sonny Liston reference and I couldn't agree more. I think people tend to forget…or maybe they just don't know…that Most has been married for the past 5 years I believe and he is only in his mid to late twenties. You do the math…think about how old he is when telling these past stories….I'll leave it at that..

  47. Great post. Very thought-provoking. To answer one of your questions – yes, I've left someone for someone else when I was in college. The relationship lasted for 3.5 years and ended because of his infidelity. BUT, there were no comparisons. If I had any doubt about leaving the guy I was with or about wanting to be with the new guy, I wouldn't have done it. Actually, the fact that I hurt someone else in order to be with him made me stay around longer because I felt the need to make this relationship work. In the end it didn't, and I'm glad. We've stayed in touch (after a couple years hiatus that I needed to heal) & let's just say that I dodged a bullet.

  48. Oh, about the "she liked me because I wasn't him." Isn't that always the case? I mean, no matter how long ago our previous relationship was, aren't we instantly turned on by the fact that the new guy is more outgoing, funnier, more open-minded, etc than the "other(s)"?

  49. Whoaaa. This was very interesting. The part that would have made me pause was towards the end when she came to grips with her actual feelings about leaving him for you. I mean, I don't think relationships like that work because of, well everything you've already mentioned.

    You have a nice way with words. Keep it up.
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  50. Super sweet the way it was at the beginning. That is exactly what my situation was the first night I met my fiance. And after 6 years we are getting married.
    My recent post JHud

  51. Dealilng with a similar situation, only leaving 'him' was already at inception prior to meeting the 'other'. I was totally honest with the 'other' and he's willing to give me the time I need while still pursuing what we have found with one another. So I am not leaving 'him' just because someone has entered my life and I am so happy that 'he' has the patience and confidence in us that he is willing to do what it takes.

    Oftentimes when you don't address an issue in the very beginning, one can assume there is more beneath the surface that has not been revealed. This leads to mistrust and feelings of betrayal which can carry over into the new relationship, hence the arguing and bitterness. A foundation or trust is so important in a relationship

  52. I like you would never reconcile but I wouldn't psychoanalyze the person as a way to distract away from my hurt. It just seemed like an emotionally detacted move on your part as a way not to reveal your obvious feelings of betrayal. She led you on and by mentioning the other guy like she did was callous and indifferent. You had to feel that, you are human. IIt's okay to be disappointed and choose not to futher the relatiohship because of a severe lack of trust that has now come into play. If, i where her, I would have never allowed you to shift the focus on me completely, and I would like to know how you feel about me keeping such a important piece of information from me. The psychological babble would have been a bit much, but never the less I would have walked away knowing that I have severely hurt someone if I was her.

    1. wow I think you make a very interesting point, the writer doesn't really discuss his feelings as much as he tries to expose her rationalizations and fears.

  53. Being in that position before I can say that she probably did leave him for you. But it was your insecurities that ended the relationship. You looked at her in a whole different light. People leave people for other people all the time whether it be mentally or physically. It happens. Being alone is also hard. So I understand her not being able to find courage to leave her boyfriend sometimes it's better the Devil you do know than the one you don't. But mentally she was already gone from him. Your relationship could have worked out just fine. But now the tingles were gone and there would have to have been more of an effort to make it work. The whole dynamics of your relationship would have been different and it sounds like you couldn't or didn't want to deal with it. And you're not wrong for not wanting to but…

  54. "Have you ever had one of these experiences where you spend a few hours or days of perfection with a person someplace outside of your real, daily life? Did you try to maintain the relationship after? How did it work out?"

    I spent one of my best weekend trips in AC with this new guy I had met. We had such a great time (dancing, gambling, perfect first kiss ,etc.) but our romantic relationship afterwards failed 4 months later. I still contact him to this day but I know I am holding on to nothing. I am really in search of that feeling I got in AC when everything went perfect. The stark contrast to how it was in NJ and how it is against the backdrop of our actual life is startling. I know I am still in shock after it all, not ready to let it go.

  55. I think you did the right thing by ending things. As you stated, everything counts and knowing that the relationship was based on "you not being him" means it wasn't really authentic. Although it ended, it sounds like there are great lessons that can be learned from this situation that you both will be able to use moving forward in future relationships.

    As others have commented, great post!
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  56. I'll shy away from telling a story of my personal situation that almost exactly mirrors yours. But I will say that all of the questions posed are good things for individuals to reflect upon. I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place—battling internally man 1 vs. man 2. [ it always seems that when there is a good man there, here comes another further complicating things] and when its no one there.. its really no one. I've also been that girl, having an internal battle with emotions and a bad taste of karma.. but thus is life. I dig this post. Its very real. I appreciate you sparking this conversation.

    You did the right thing when you ended it. Anyone that will leave their man for you–will eventually leave you for another man. When starting a new relationship..it has to be aside from all of the other baggage and burdens carried. Otherwise, its like carrying trash around with you from years of bad relationships–eventually you shit gon stink and the bag will break.

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