Open Letter: We Confess, Men Are Afraid of Love

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Dear Women:

We hope this letter finds you held securely by the arms of true Love. Love is a beautiful thing. Yet, we hope you realize how difficult it was for the man in your life to fall in Love with you and quite possibly, how difficult it is for him to be in Love with you. Love is difficult for us men. Why? Well, to be honest, Love scares us. We confess it here and now, we men are afraid of Love.

We are especially afraid that we will leap into the abyss of Love first but you will never join us. That we will fall blindly into Love and you will not be there to catch us, to guide us. Most importantly, we fear giving up control. We fear losing ourselves in an emotion we do not fully understand. An emotion that controls us rather than us controlling it.

No man wants to feel like he is falling in Love with you before you are falling in Love with him. And yes, we recognize the hypocrisy of that statement. We still stand by it. We recognize that we are asking you to sacrifice emotionally before us, for us, even if we have not fully demonstrated that you should do so beforehand.

You see, our aggressiveness gave us the courage to approach you. It was our confidence that intrigued you. Our ability to lead and make sound, level-headed decisions kept you interested. We gained your trust, gave you the confidence to follow us without question, gave you the security needed to feel comfortable surrendering yourself to us – emotionally and physically.

Now, all the qualities that drew you into us, you want us to abandon? You want us to release the reigns that have guided us not only though life but to this very moment? You want us to put ourselves, our heart, in jeopardy without even knowing the odds of success? You want us to fall in Love with you? Let us stop procrastinating with this line of question: You’re asking us to give up control, admit it!

We men stand before you at a crossroads.

Against our instincts and logic, do we fall thoughtlessly into your arms while hoping you have the strength to support us as you promised? Do we retreat? Do we seek haven in meaningless relationships in a misguided effort to maintain that control we know so well, knowing that we are providing ourselves with nothing more than a false sense of security in these superficial relationships; relationships where we can never truly fall in Love because we  never truly immerse ourselves in them to begin with.

We do not understand you women.

How do you do it? How can you Love so hard? So relentlessly? So selflessly? Even when it is us you shower with unconditional Love, we remain confused but not ungrateful. In our insecurity, we mock your emotional reasoning. We describe your altruistic view of the world as “female logic,” while we hide behind so-called objective logic, when it is itself born from fear.

In actuality, we envy you. Your ability to give yourself wholly to another individual with the mere hope your feelings will be reciprocated without first securing the guarantee they will. This astonishes us. Secretly, we want to do the same but we struggle. We refuse to succumb. To let go completely, even for one second, because that one second of unknown paralyzes us.

Deep down we know that Love is one of the few things in our life we cannot control. We also know that we cannot truly Love you without relinquishing control to you. Unfortunately, our reluctance is often at your expense. As you wait alone in the very same vulnerable state we hesitate to join, wondering if we will ever overcome ourselves on your behalf.

We are not asking you to change. This is on us, the men. Apart from you, we are not weak but because of you, we are stronger. Your unwavering support keeps us from falling but you also deserve to be more than our crutch. Our fear is not your burden. Force us to stand on our own! Offer only to support us once we have proven capable. Therefore, although we may not be the man for you, we will be a better man because of you.

One day, even if not today, we will be the men you need. Do not judge us all by the selfish weakness of a few. We will Love you. It may not be in the manner you dreamed but there will not be a doubt in your mind that it is Love. Scared as we are, the real men among us look forward to that day. In the meantime, as much as it may hurt, it is selfish for any any of us to ask you to wait. So, if it means passing one of us by for another who has already overcome his fear, we encourage you to seek him and obtain the Love that you deserve when you are ready, not when it is convenient for us. In fact, we ask that you never settle for anything less.

We wouldn’t.

Sincerely,
The Men

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  • FanofSBM

    This is the best good bye letter I have ever read. If you are afraid to end a relationship highlight the last paragraph and send it off

  • http://www.lifeofalibra.com L Boogie

    Beautifully written. Thanks for taking me into the mind of a man, even if only for a moment.

  • msevahoney

    This was amazing! That is all I can say.Im printing this out.

  • QueenT

    WIM
    This letter right here! This letter right here! Truth.com….and well written..gives me hope in love and a better understanding of what makes men…tick.

    • MissMina

      I agree with Queen here, I nearly shed a tear! The candidness with which this was written was very refreshing! And it gave me a lot to think about as well. Bravo!

  • Hugh Jazz

    Well done sir. Well done.

    • Beef Bacon

      Are you in Love Hugh? If so, where you afraid to let go? If you were afraid how long did it take you to get over the fear? I am gonna take a poll to see how real this really is. Just curious.

      • Hugh Jazz

        "Are you in Love Hugh?"

        Yes.

        "If so, where you afraid to let go?"

        Not really. The thing about letting love grow in a relationship is there are two parts, meeting the right person and being ready for that person. I was already prepared for love. I was at that stage in my life, so there was nothing to let go of.

        In fact, after I ended a long-term serious relationship, I thought I'd be out the game for a while, but I met the girl I'm with four months after the previous relationship ended. I was ready.

        "If you were afraid how long did it take you to get over the fear?"

        It may be part fear, but again, it's also partially being ready. Meeting the right person at the wrong time doesn't necessarily mean you fear commitment, but you just aren't ready for it. As Amel Larrieux said, love has always had a way of having bad timing. Sometimes fear, reluctance and being unprepared has a way of having bad timing as well.

        • Beef Bacon

          How can you 'prepare' for love?

        • Hugh Jazz

          Since this was about me personally, I prepared myself by dating several different types of women. There were times I thought I was in love, but the heart can be deceived. We were incompatible for anything long term, but I thought I was in love with a particular woman, and it was mostly for the wrong reasons. I also had to grow and mature in other areas of my life.

          When I got to the point I was ready to settle down, I was still with someone else who was incompatible, and we made it "work" for too long because we were really good friends. When we realized the inevitable and parted ways, I eventually found someone whose plusses eclipses her minuses, and her plusses are in line with what I desire in a woman.
          She may not be perfect for me, but I truly believe that we can grow to be perfect for each other.

        • Top5DOA

          Yeeeeeeeeeee *Eyes water* ….*Prays for something similar* … *Continues not to work*

        • MissMina

          Wonderful! Any man who is not afraid of love AND can quote Amel Larrieux is winning in my book! Congrats to you and blessings on your relationship :-)

  • http://twitter.com/IamJavone @IamJavone

    Love your letter, hate your letter. This is THE most contradictory letter I have ever read.

    We do not understand you women:
    *How can you Love so hard? So relentlessly? So selflessly? Even when it is us you shower with unconditional Love,
    *we mock your emotional reasoning.
    *We describe your altruistic view of the world as “female logic,”
    *Your ability to give yourself wholly to another individual with the mere hope your feelings will be reciprocated without first securing the guarantee they will.
    *Your unwavering support keeps us from falling

    What is it you don't understand again?…….

    • mary

      It's call man logic lol. Some men are just as guilty if not more than some woman of emotional reasoning. Its because of virtue of their genitalia that when they do it isn't

  • http://twitter.com/IamJavone @IamJavone

    What your describing IMO is the difference between a boy and a man. Men know all of this, want this, accept this,and love this.
    It is a boy who:
    *We recognize that we are asking you to sacrifice emotionally before us, for us, even if we have not fully demonstrated that you should do so beforehand.
    * We refuse to succumb. To let go completely, even for one second, because that one second of unknown paralyzes us

    I.Can.Not.Com

    • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

      Eh, I get your meaning but I can't jive with the idea that manhood is achieved after acceptance and wanting to fall in love. And I'm not quite as fearful of love as WiM seems to be.

      • Ms. Smart

        I think this is just once of the developmental benchmarks as a boy makes his wan into manhood. I don't think she was saying being able to love is the sole difference between the two life stages. Eh. I could be wrong though.

      • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

        A good writer is able to represent an audience far larger than himself, Malik.
        My recent post Maybe I Should Have Called Her

        • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

          Very true. All apologies good sir.

  • Rick

    Speak for yourself.

  • Beef Bacon

    Wonderfully writing. However, I'm confused somewhat.

    I just wonder if it's truly fear of love itself or that you just don't love THAT woman. I would think if you do not have control over it….how can you control when it happens and to whom? Not too mention its quite silly to fear something you cannot control…such as fearing death. That would be a miserable life. I would think the uncontrollable thing can happen at any moment to anyone. That in and of itself negates the fear because you don't know the when and where to fear it.

    • Ms. Smart

      An ex said he can choose who he loves. He only loves once he trusts. So any woman dealing with him has to basically respond almost perfectly to his needs, be dependable, etc. for him to trust her and eventually love her…He still loves me. I wish I felt the same.

    • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

      A lot of people fear death, although I am not one of them.

      To your first point, "you just don't love THAT woman." I have already written a post on my personal site about The Arrogance of Men. Later, on this site, I will write about the Arrogance of Women. Men's arrogance makes them feel they can dictate when, with whom, and how they will fall in Love. The Arrogance of Women is that they believe they can make any man they want fall in love with them.

      Both are mistaken.
      My recent post Maybe I Should Have Called Her

      • Beef Bacon

        I get it. I still don"t understand it. Love isn't some boogieman waiting to tear you to shreds so I wonder how a person justifies fearing something beautiful and divine.

        Fear is something you do control however, so why not use it for a healthier reason (being poor, sti"s, babies with women you dislike).

        I would hope no one fears love….only that they just fear falling in love with the person they are with at the moment. In that case, they are starting off wrong already with negative thoughts (doubt).

        • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

          You seem to be reinforcing the content of the letter. Men fear Love because they respect it. They recognize the magnitude of the undertaking. There is a lot of responsibility that men place upon themselves and arguably that women place upon them, as is being show in yours and other comments, as a result of Love.

          As is, I believe, too often the case on this site and beyond, we are getting caught up in semantics – the use of the word "fear" – instead of focusing on the message. It is what is though.

        • Beef Bacon

          I get you WIM. You are doing women a great service with this letter. I understand it's not about the fear itself (however unhealthy), but about moving on when a woman realize she is not loved by that man.

          I just feel as if the fear is an excuse. I am not a man so I could be wrong. There are many things men do that they may secretly fear.

          So here's my response,

          Do it afraid.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          "Do it afraid."

          One of my favorite quotes from Joyce Meyer…though I'll guess you didn't get it from her, LOL. *teasing*

        • Beef Bacon

          You are right…it was on one of the many children movies I have and I forgot who said it (a fuzzy lion if I remember). Credit goes out to Joyce Meyers, she was on point with that one.

        • starita34

          "Men fear Love because they respect it. They recognize the magnitude of the undertaking. There is a lot of responsibility that men place upon themselves and arguably that women place upon them … "

          Amen. While I do get frustrated waiting for a man, I understand and respect his process. I do demand a lot from a man, I think women rarely realize how much we demand from men day to day.

          lol, I just realized that I JUST told a man the other day that he better "stay effin afraid" (of me) …yeah, we're a handful, at least I am….

        • http://justlissen.wordpress.com justlissen

          I wonder if it's not a fear, but more of a hesitancy to head down that path. I have very strong doubts that men don't recognize when a woman is falling, even more I think men fall a little bit too… but they see that, they see the impending commitment and responsibility and they say: Hey I'm not ready. So in turn the relationship either ends or turns cold.
          I also agree with @Hugh Jazz that you have to be ready mentally for the good and the bad of saying I love you… and when you're not ready, you're not ready.
          My recent post Fool for you

  • http://www.writehiswrongs.com WHW

    Are you scared of love or have you found yourself loving the wrong women? Love isn't about relinquishing control. It's about giving your all and focusing it in direction of one. When you experience true love, it won't be an apology letter but more of a thank you one. Thank you to the one you've found and a thank you to the all the ex's that let you go in order for you to find her.

    • Ms. Smart

      Couldn't it be that some men repeatedly choose women they know they'll never love in a subconscious attempt to escape their own fear of someone doing to them what they've done to the women who have loved them?

      • http://www.writehiswrongs.com WHW

        People make mistakes and the learning curve isn't the same for everyone. Experiences gained through maturity will teach us that we love, we hurt, we scar and then we heal. If a person continues to choose women in fear of karma, purposely string them along knowing they will never love them ; that person is physically a man and mentally a boy.
        My recent post Regretfully Yours…

  • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

    Amazing. I appreciate your honesty. But this is the one thing that disappoints me so much about men. The cowardice. I know men are just being scared babies about love, but its not a good look. Especially when you look to men for security. Men aren’t supposed to let fear rule them, but much of male behavior is caused by fear. I hate to say, it disgusts me. I have a low tolerance for cowardice. I can stand it. I know I can’t make men be emotionally braver, but I also can’t make myself stop being nauseated and angered by fear. Especially when it’s masked by disdain for women.

    I’m sorry, men just need to suck it up.

    • Ms. Smart

      "Especially when it's masked by disdain for women."

      My daddy once told me that the very people who are most vocal about hating what I'm doing are usually the people pissed that themselves for not being able to do what I'm doing. Maybe this is the case with men and their reaction to how women are able to love.

    • http://twitter.com/bruiser_ham Larry

      "I'm sorry, men just need to suck it up."

      Pause?

  • http://www.thesunk.com The Hallway

    As a man, Why must loving someone be a weakness or an act that is considered weak? Have you ever heard the quote "I didnt fall in love, I rose in it"? Love can be just as powerful as the gull it took a man to approach a woman who he did not know would reject him or accept him.

    I can't really get with the being afraid of love thing. I look at love like I do gang banging, two mothaf^ckas riding for each other no matter what. "All I Need in this Life of Sin, is Me n My Girlfriend."
    My recent post Good Givers are Great Getters

    • Ms. Smart

      Your comparing love to a gang bang though? Priceless.

  • Ms. Smart

    Is all of this the root of the strange phenomenon where a man wants a woman he barely knows to tell him she loves him?

    • Beef Bacon

      I think its game.

    • http://justlissen.wordpress.com justlissen

      I wonder if some women who are overly aggressive in pronouncing themselves in love, makes it hard for a man to believe it when a real woman says: I Love You.
      My recent post Fool for you

  • krystllyght

    This made me shed a thug G tear….

    I thought it took vulnerability and yet bravery to admit this. WIM , good job bro.

  • RationalBrotha

    men aren't afraid of falling in love w/ women. its falling in love w/ hos that men are afraid because hos cannot and do not reciprocate love. and in todays world, the average female is just that – a ho!

    • GirlSixx

      Who hurt you??!!

    • KemaVA

      Tell em why you mad son…

    • Mocha

      Poor little tink tink! Someone did a number on you? I can say same thing knee grows don't appreciate a good woman. You go around talking about all women are selfish, there are no good women out there, but one presents herseld to you and you make up ANY excuse to break things off. Just say no the B**tchA***ness!

    • ooh ok…

      "…in todays world, the average female is just that – a ho!"
      SNAP! I could so talk about 'yo momma!' #ImaQuit

  • http://thewhittiest.wordpress.com TheWhittiest

    Although it's laced with selfishness, contradictions and whatnot, I still think it's cute. It's honest, because of the acknowledgement of the journey. It also acts as a pass card because one is choosing to stay in such a state in fear. Once you know your faults, you are not a victim of immaturity and "growing through something."

    Second of all, love is not an emotion. The whole concept of love being an emotion is false. I blame Shakespere, Lifetime and the millions of dollars that was made for causing us as a society to think so. Love is a gift; it's a responsibility, and it's sweet. If anything, I feel like many men are afraid of the responsibility, but not of being loved.

    I like it, really I do, but there is a sense of I'm going to admit to my fears and whatnot's so I don't have to address them until it's too uncomfortable and I have to change to gain a greater pleasure.

    All in all…good piece :-).
    My recent post Day 15- Weight Loss Challenge

    • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

      Love is a gift; it's a responsibility, and it's sweet.

      Great comment. lol

    • cynicaloptmst81

      "I feel like many men are afraid of the responsibility, but not of being loved."

      Slamming the gavel down on this line! Case closed! LOL…

      You done said something right here!!!!! My my!!!!

      • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

        yep. because with responsibility comes accountability.

        this was a great post, WIS.
        My recent post I Give Her That Insomnia…

  • GirlSixx

    Very Nice, especially the last paragraph.

  • Hugh Jazz

    I don't have much time for this today because I'm pretty busy at work, but I guess I should address this before the comments get too out of control.

    Some ladies have to realize a man not choosing to pursue or advance a relationship at the time you want him doesn't necessarily have anything to do with cowardice at all. Just because a man isn't trying to wife a woman down as soon as he his handed his high school diploma doesn't mean he's a coward. He may have fear, or he may just not be ready for that level of commitment yet.

    Some women are looking at this like the man is a kid who's scared of the boogeyman, and needs to get over the fear that no one is in the closet. It's more accurate to say it's like taking a road trip. You may "fear" your car overheating while driving through the desert in Arizona, but you make sure you get your car checked out before you go. In other words, there may be some fear, but it is more making sure

    • Hugh Jazz

      (2/2)

      Some women are looking at this like the man is a kid who's scared of the boogeyman, and needs to get over the fear that no one is in the closet. It's more accurate to say it's like taking a road trip. You may "fear" your car overheating while driving through the desert in Arizona, but you make sure you get your car checked out before you go. In other words, there may be some fear, but it is more making sure you're prepared for your journey.

      What some women are calling cowardice is really masking their own hurt because a certain man didn't reciprocate their affections on the woman's own timing and terms. In fact, I dare argue a man who gets married too early is a coward. He's clinging to the first "good" thing he has, thinking he can't do better and fearing branching out to find someone who is more compatible for him.

      • prettykeety

        +1

      • Beef Bacon

        So you don't believe a man that findeth a wife findeth a good thing….unless he's soared his oats first? The marriages lasted longer back in the day because people married younger. This works because if you have nothing else to compare too, you don't compare. You may wonder but you don't miss what you can't measure.

        I was talking to this guy from Yemen that owns a corner store a few days agao. He has been married since he was TEN! I was like wow, my grandmother got married at 14. He spoke about how loose American women are and said his father told him all holes are the same. I laughed but he said he was serious. They have grown together and he couldn't imagine having to pick through American women for a wife because they all sleep around. I told him that's not true for all and he seemed shocked that I was married and had never cheated. :( I wondered at that moment how many people felt this way about our country and did it have any merit to it.

        Since men are leaders they need to lead by example and stop pushing contradictions to further selfish agendas. The men in the bible that were lured in by a woman allowed her to LEAD him…think about it.

        • Beef Bacon

          Not too mention we court TOO long here. It's doesn't take years to decide if you are willing to commit to, honor, love and cherish a person. The longer the 'court" the more likely out of wedlock children, fornication, etc will happen. It's that common sense? After less than a year a person knows where a relationship is going. One party should be the bigger person and move on and it should be the party that knows its not going anywhere.

          Oh I forgot, it's much better to sleep around under the guise of having and searching for options…right…riiigghttttt.

        • GirlSixx

          TEACH!!!

        • bellatrice1

          I completely agree. Americans are inherently greedy and the "grass is greener" mentality reigns supreme. Everyone's always thinking they can do better rather than finding "a good thing" and making it work with, AND forsaking all others.
          My recent post Big Love, Big Pain

        • Hugh Jazz

          Beef Bacon: "So you don't believe a man that findeth a wife findeth a good thing….unless he's soared his oats first?"

          No, I'm saying it doesn't matter if he foundeth a wife if he's not ready. Sowing his oats has nothing to do with it. He can be virgin when he gets married, but he still has to 1. find a woman worthy of being his wife, and 2. be ready for marriage. And we already had the discussion about Proverbs 18:22. Finding a wife is doesn't mean marrying the first woman you see that's marriage material.

          BB: "The marriages lasted longer back in the day because people married younger. This works because if you have nothing else to compare too, you don't compare. You may wonder but you don't miss what you can't measure."

          So a man is to close his eyes, spin in a circle with his finger out, and when stops spinning, marry whatever woman he's pointing to? A man is really supposed to feel sorry for thinking he should be selective in who he chooses to have til death do us part?

          (1/3)

        • Hugh Jazz

          BB: "I was talking to this guy from Yemen that owns a corner store a few days agao. He has been married since he was TEN! I was like wow, my grandmother got married at 14."

          Umm, ok.

          BB: "Since men are leaders they need to lead by example and stop pushing contradictions to further selfish agendas. The men in the bible that were lured in by a woman allowed her to LEAD him…think about it."

          Thought about it thoroughly. Remember in the Bible, marriage isn't even ideal. Living a celibate life in service to the Lord is. Marriage is for Christians that know they need to get their rocks off. Sidenote: Out of all the people who comment here, do you really want to try to use the Bible on ME, of all people?

          BB: "Not too mention we court TOO long here. It's doesn't take years to decide if you are willing to commit to, honor, love and cherish a person."

          Better than using a country where people get married at ten years old as our example.

        • Hugh Jazz

          BB: "The longer the 'court" the more likely out of wedlock children, fornication, etc will happen. It's that common sense? After less than a year a person knows where a relationship is going. One party should be the bigger person and move on and it should be the party that knows its not going anywhere."

          I actually agree with this.

          BB: "Oh I forgot, it's much better to sleep around under the guise of having and searching for options…right…riiigghttttt.

          We all know women don't do this…right…riiigghttttt.

          I agree with what much of you say in theory, just not in practice. You may disagree, but I have no issue with a man dating several women to get an idea of different types of women out there.

          (3/3)

        • cbrantley15

          Marriage in our community doesn't work because our expectation of our spouses are unreal… We don't get married today for two reasons, one is money and the other is status… If a brother is not making x amount of dollars, he isn't given a chance. If he has status and a well paying job, he is in. What my experiences has been is that men want to show their love for their women, but most women view a man with a romantic bone as weak and compromising… some women want the bad boy element, but nine times out of ten he's not employed… You can't have it both ways…

      • GirlSixx

        "In fact, I dare argue a man who gets married too early is a coward. He's clinging to the first "good" thing he has, thinking he can't do better and fearing branching out to find someone who is more compatible for him."

        Sir Jazz!!

        You trying to start some ish today?

        • ooh ok…

          ouch! don't hate…

        • ooh ok..

          my bad GirlSixx
          @SirJazz
          ouch! don't hate…

      • http://thewhittiest.wordpress.com TheWhittiest

        I like this viewpoint; I believe it’s another common situation.

      • krystllyght

        “In fact, I dare argue a man who gets married too early is a coward. He’s clinging to the first “good” thing he has, thinking he can’t do better and fearing branching out to find someone who is more compatible for him.”

        Naw naw Hugh! I was with you until this point. I take umbrage to this statement. My husband isn’t around to explain it to you but I’ll try my best. How about a man marries young because he chose not to live an extended adolescence? He’s not a coward! Especially when none of his friends are married or even moved out of momma’s house. A man like that is responsible and brave! And how about when ya’ll look back on “the one that got away?” That’s most likely the first “good” thing that came across your path. A man who marries young is G enough to recognize what he has and puts the ring on it while the rest of ya’ll walking around talking about you want something like what he has but lack the balls to just do it. Love is a leap of faith just like everything else.

        • prettykeety

          I can't speak for Hugh, but I think we have to be careful when personalizing comments. I'm sure what Hugh said may be very accurate for some men but obviously not all of them, particularly in the case of your husband.

          Your hubby's a different breed, Krysttlyght. You're a very lucky woman.

        • krystllyght

          All I can speak on is personal experience. My hubby may be rare but he’s certainly not alone. I’m very blessed to have him.

        • prettykeety

          The way you talk about him makes me hope to find one like him. I sure hope he's not alone :)

        • Hugh Jazz

          krystllyght: "Naw naw Hugh! I was with you until this point. I take umbrage to this statement."

          No need to. The point I'm making is the people who say because a man waits, he MUST be a coward. Fear may be a factor, but that doesn't mean it's the primary factor, or even a controlling factor. Not getting married at 20 isn't an extended adolescence.

          "And how about when ya'll look back on 'the one that got away?'"

          I guess the same way married men look at the one they could have had.

          Nothing is guaranteed. In your case, your husband stepped to the slot machine and hit the jackpot on the first pull. But that doesn't happen with everyone. There are a few commenters here that got married early and got divorced before they turned 25.

        • Hugh Jazz

          krystllyght: "A man who marries young is G enough to recognize what he has and puts the ring on it while the rest of ya'll walking around talking about you want something like what he has but lack the balls to just do it. "

          You have to have it first before you can marry it. The purpose of dating someone is to see if they are worth putting a ring on it. A lot of women think they are worth that ring. Some are. Some aren't. And some will be, for the right person, but they have to meet that person.

    • http://twitter.com/bruiser_ham Larry

      Thank you sir for saving me the time of typing out something similar. Couldn't agree more here.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      "It's more accurate to say it's like taking a road trip. You may "fear" your car overheating while driving through the desert in Arizona, but you make sure you get your car checked out before you go. In other words, there may be some fear, but it is more making sure you're prepared for your journey."

      Nods in agreement…

  • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

    I have to address some other commitments so I'll be MIA for a few hours but I thought I'd share this little gem for consideration. As a side note, please see Hugh Jazz's comment above too because it is EXACTLY on point.

    A quote from the movie Blue Valentine:

    Dean: I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry one girl, 'cause we're resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I'd be an idiot if I didn't marry this girl she's so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… 'Oh he's got a good job.' I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who's got a good job.

    • http://twitter.com/KatWebb84 @KatWebb84

      "I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who's got a good job."

      True. Settling does seem like the only option in times like this and places such as where I am. My settling, however, will not be marrying the WRONG guy. It will be remaining UNMARRIED. I always liked cats anyway. :)

    • Hebrew Princess

      @WIM…I totally "got" that line from Blue Valentine that you posted. When he said it that, that sh*t was REAL. Lemme tell u why that is often/sometimes the case. Boy meets girl, girl is head over heels for boy aka Prince Charming). Boy cheats on girl, breaks her heart, etc. Girl repeats this about a million times throughout her young life. By the time girl becomes woman in her 30's she's tired of falling in love with "Prince Charming" & settles for Mr. Good Job because she's not getting any younger & at least she can be safe/secure with Mr. Good Job. Just my thoughts on the matter.

      • http://twitter.com/ashleydoublevay @ashleydoublevay

        I understand this logic, I do, but I can't agree. I think it's moreso the fear that she won't get what she wants out of this seemingly Prince Charming, so she chooses to settle for Mr. Good Job because of her own fear not because she was hurt in the past. And that choosing to settle, it's all about her. If she's a girl that accepts settling for her own self (with goals, life choices, etc.) she will, but if she believes in not settling, she'll get her Prince Charming. Now it may not be the man she thought or wanted to be her Prince Charming but it will be the best Prince Charming for her that does not include just settling for Mr. Good Job and being content when she can be happy. All in all, settling is an individual choice and if it's acceptable to the individual he/she will do so. To me, settling=a life of mediocrity, but maybe that's just me?

    • trueprototype

      I agree w/ the Blue Valentine quote. But when you sit and wait and wait for that special match, all the while being accused of being too picky, standards too high, etc you eventually start to think maybe its you. Its a fine line, some of us want families and such. I’m still waiting, but I can see how others give in.

  • http://twitter.com/KatWebb84 @KatWebb84

    For the dudes who have overcome their fear, my twitter is @KatWebb84. Message me anytime!

    To those still afraid, kick rocks.

    No offense, but I not only won't wait for a dude to "come around", I also won't potentially waste emotion, effort and time on a POSSIBLE relationship with a dude who's not yet fearless in his emotions. I respect we are on different time tables, and RESPECTFULLY suggest that you dally in the casual relationships until the fear has subsided, rather than possibly reaching the point of no return with a woman, only to retreat anyway.

  • Top5DOA

    Not proud of this letter, but it truly has exemplified my inner feelings the previous 8 years…I think i'm over the hump now. This letter has applied to me due to the fact that i've yet to be involved with a woman that I feel complements me to the level that i long for under the right circumstances (i.e. same city). I understand that this letter doesn't apply to all men cuz I just look to my father for the exception (Married 3 times). But i think this thought process applies to the alpha male and not a beta male.

    Anyways, very poignant, honest (for some) letter.

  • http://twitter.com/ashleydoublevay @ashleydoublevay

    WOW, WIM! I mean just wow. Had my little heart over here palpitating with anxiety and sympathy. I felt the emotion with you as the journey is the same for me as well. Such a struggle to give up that control and maybe because it's a part of my Scorpio side, but I can so identify with men on this for sure! You did a fantastic job on this! I mean such great words and a perfect picture to the scenario! I love it so words cannot express.

    Hugh Jazz, I agree, I so agree! Very well put!

    WIM, that Blue Valentine quote=PERFECT! True, sad but true and I ain't trying to be that girl either.

    FAB POST, just FAB!

  • dippedinGodiva

    This letter bought tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing something so pure and honest. I swear I love this site

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    Completely off-topic but I'm looking at the picture and I've never understood the point in having 'waves'.

    • Top5DOA

      I guess it's a sign of having <s>good</s>fine hair to women. I have zero waves and can care less.

      • GirlSixx

        I guess it's a sign of having <s>good</s>fine hair to women.

        Basically.

        If you got that good hair them waves tend to form naturally.

    • http://48forpanache.blogspot.com 48.

      lol at noticing that minor detail. Yeah nobody cares about waves.
      My recent post Race – an illegitimate concept.

  • http://twitter.com/bruiser_ham Larry

    Great write up, sir. Nothing much more to add here. Kudos.

  • nianaturally

    Very nice, WIM… very nice.

    I'm not sure why some women are having problems with this. Love is a huge thing. Huge!! If you believe in the idea that a man should love his wife the way Christ loved the church, then it should be fairly easy to see why a man would fear that. Christ died for the Church. Love, unconditional. That is scary. Hell, I'm scared for men.

    I can really respect this letter because it doesn't say they are running from love, or that they will never love, but that they fear the responsibility that comes with truly loving a woman, giving all of himself to her and the relationship, and putting himself out there as the person who will honor and respect her the way love requires. I can respect the man who can own up to his limitations, but who can also work through his personal issues so that he can truly be capable of receiving love, as well as truly being capable to give it.
    My recent post My Love Is Like…

    • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

      THIS!!!

      Thank you….and then, thank you again.

    • http://twitter.com/J_Dubb_Squirrel @J_Dubb_Squirrel

      I know I'm late to the party, but this sums up what was being said so masterfully!

  • http://justlissen.wordpress.com justlissen

    <div class="idc-message" id="idc-comment-msg-div-196861017"><a class="idc-close" title="Click to Close Message" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(196861017)"><span>Close Message</span> Comment posted. <p class="idc-nomargin"><a class="idc-share-facebook" target="_new" href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2 Fwww.singleblackmale.org%2F2011%2F09%2F22%2Fopen-letter-we-confess-we-men-are-afraid-of-love%2F%23idc-container#IDComment196861017&t=I%20just%20commented%20on%20Open%20Letter%3A%20We%20Confess%2C%20We%20Men%20Are%20Afraid%20of%20Love" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="idc-share-inner"><span>Share on Facebook</span></span> or <a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(196861017)">Close MessageI wonder if it's a woman's prerogative to make something so hard seem to easy, especially when it's ingrained in us to keep that fear of falling a secret. Because when you do… when you really fall in love with someone, you're left in this whirl of insecurities that only his love can salve. Make no mistake, I'm not saying that a woman can't be whole in and of herself or that she loses her wholeness by falling in love; I am saying that love as a responsibility means that you are carrying and shielding someone else's vulnerabilities. And that's a weight not many people can lift.

    I think both sexes catch themselves one day just imagining forever or for always with another person, whether you decide to pursue that idea is the difference between men and women. I think when a woman starts to open up her well and release her love; it's so hard to stop it. And when the water goes undrunk, moss and mud form in its puddle disgusting its natural taste.

    And when you realize that the love you secretly yet seemingly effortlessly worked so hard to give, is then returned unopened, it leaves you with regrets that mar a body like a rashly decided tattoo, leaving imprints of memories that haunt you and can't be removed.

    Finally you're left thinking, why the hell would I put myself through that again?

    Good post WIM, when I'm in a better place I think I'll appreciate it more.
    My recent post <a href="http://justlissen.wordpress.com/2011/09/14/fool-for-you/&quot; target="_blank">Fool for you

    • starita34

      "I wonder if it's a woman's prerogative to make something so hard seem to easy, especially when it's ingrained in us to keep that fear of falling a secret. Because when you do… when you really fall in love with someone, you're left in this whirl of insecurities that only his love can salve."

      I feel you here, I mean I feeeeel you.

  • http://48forpanache.blogspot.com 48.

    I like this post (and hugh's comments) in that it reminds women not to personalize failed relationships. Also like the candour.
    My recent post Race – an illegitimate concept.

  • SayWhat

    I have been reading the blog for quite some time now but this is my first time commenting. I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading this and feel while it may not represent the entire population of the male species, it holds true for a great number of them.

    But alas, love SUFFERS long and is kind, love does not envy, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures ALL things….

    And so I will continue to hope and believe and endure, that one day LOVE will show his face to me and all those who so desire to be in it's company.

    Great Post!

    • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

      Thanks for commenting. Hope we see you around more often.

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    Men initiate marriage; women initiate divorce.

    • http://48forpanache.blogspot.com 48.

      "…women initiate divorce"

      wow did you just make this up right off the top of your head? so smart!!! :D
      My recent post Race – an illegitimate concept.

  • ABarb

    After the break up that I have been going through (and am still dealing with), this is exactly what I needed to hear… or read rather… thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/KatWebb84 @KatWebb84

    The point of no return I'm referring to is when feelings are deeply involved. I'd prefer to know if a man can or can't love BEFORE I'm even IMAGINING our lives together.

  • Lola

    Very well written WIM!!!!

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Great writing!

    Now, I can't say for sure, cause I'm no man, but I think Men respond to the right woman…ready or not. If you didn't get his love, you didn't have the right key…and thats ok…yet hard to swallow. Women tend to just give Men everything instead of focusing on what he really needs…and we don't take the time to really honestly assess whether or not we can realistically meet that need. When a woman can meet a deep need in a Man, he has no choice but to analyze what that means for and to him. I think its here that a Man ultimately decides how far he'll go with you…even if it takes a while to get there.

    As much as I've actually said that I'd never want to date a Man who isn't completely "ready for everything" in the future, watching a Man discover how important you really are to him, how much he needs you, and how much value you bring to his life is just…just…something else, lol. Its really beautiful.

    • http://codecipher.blogspot.com MeteorMan

      Women tend to just give Men everything instead of focusing on what he really needs…and we don't take the time to really honestly assess whether or not we can realistically meet that need.

      Yo Cy!!! Word. life.
      My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

    • frmcletodal

      "Women tend to just give Men everything instead of focusing on what he really needs…and we don't take the time to really honestly assess whether or not we can realistically meet that need."

      This is the statement that rings truest to me. The key to great communication is listening. Doing what you want for a man is great…..but doing what he needs from you is even better. You will see the results for the acts with love and appreciation.

  • http://twitter.com/Boogieism @Boogieism

    Wow…wonderful again, WiM. You are phenomenal. All your wonderfulness aside…you did it with this one. This is…*sigh*…so well written you can't really argue with it. So, plain you have to accept it. So real, you are only left with a choice. I will say thank you…I needed this.

  • DeKeLa

    Hmm… Interesting letter, I can rock with certain points, but ladies this is not the opinion of men all over. Keep that in mind before applying it to personal situations.

  • Cheekie

    Well said, WIS! I often hear men saying they are most afraid of falling in love with the wrong woman and "falling first and her not following" is definitely an example of that.

  • ooh ok…

    “So, if it means passing one of us by for another who has already overcome his fear, we encourage you to seek him and obtain the Love that you deserve when you are ready, not when it is convenient for us.”

    DONE!

    But seriously I was just taking to two different friends about this…hmmm I think women need to ‘lady up’. Let go. Pray. Live.

  • Miss_Tee_Blue

    Dope…this is so real and it warms my heart to read this coming from a man!!! Thanks for sharing.

  • starita34

    Thank you for this letter WIM, I appreciate it's transparency and honesty. Very well written. My only response right now is:

    "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all."

  • NaijaSweetz

    Great post. Men are big 'ole chickens. I'm playin', but not really.

    I've noticed that, because men don't fall often, they fall harder. It makes sense. I was already 18 the first time I seriously liked a guy, and part of what made it hard to let go was the false sense that I would never feel that way again. It was love, but then again, it wasn't. Anyway, there was him and then there was the other one who I did a better job of keeping my guard up with. They both had issues with the responsibility that comes with commitment, but to this day it surprises me how their feelings outlasted mine. Just last night I heard something that made me ponder this. They say things every now and again that make me realize how easy I have it. Give me a good, trustworthy man with whom I have chemistry and who ticks the necessary boxes, and I will not give my feelings much thought unless I'm given good reason to be cautious. But men? They have all these reservations about letting go and just building on present emotions, and then often end up looking back and wondering what might have been, or just trying to hold onto a past that cannot coincide with the present or future. At the same time, there a lot more men who are hesitant to take the plunge than there are those who are ready to embrace it. It results in the readily observable disconnect between men and women, and is to blame for a lot of emotional baggage on either end.

    A lot of you fall without realizing just how deeply until you've lost what you once had. You give yourself the illusion of control and tell yourself and others that you've got "this" on lock. Months after it's done, you're shedding tears to Marvin's Room while she's wondering why you can't just let her be happy with the one who was ready to open himself up.

  • NaijaSweetz

    The beginning of the second paragraph is a general statement, of course. Not all men fall hard by mere virtue of not falling often.

  • SassyPrincess

    I’m so tires of men making excuses for why they can’t love or be faithful. Like seriously get over it, work through your ish. Bc if I had daddy or trust issues then there would be no way a “good” man would tolerate it. This right here is why I don’t date black men exclusively. I wish more black women would date outside of our race. If they did black men would be forced to get their acts together.

    • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

      Nice to hear. There's the door.

    • http://codecipher.blogspot.com MeteorMan

      Your opinion is appreciated and noted… Yes, everyone has a story and a string of excuses. I agree it is up to the individual to better themselves. It's hard to accept, but this letter is step 0 in taking personal responsibility for one's own emotional management.

      This right here is why I don't date black men exclusively. I wish more black women would date outside of our race. If they did black men would be forced to get their acts together.

      Let me say this: WTF

      I won't respond to the obvious fallacy…

      I disagree with the underlying notion that one's act isn't together by simply having that fear and acting on it. Everyone fears something and for some individuals, the condition of their heart is everything. So the existence of fear, regardless of gender, isn't solved by dating outside of your race. For a fact though, EVERY woman or man that used a similar argument to date outside their race, have met the SAME issues yet attributed and internalized it differently simply because the person their dating isn't of their race. In other words, people who echo your sentiment are just more tolerant of the transgressions of those who aren't of the same skin color. I don't know your story. Just saying it's a pattern, a sad pattern…
      My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

      • KemaVA

        "In other words, people who echo your sentiment are just more tolerant of the transgressions of those who aren't of the same skin color."

        I have always thought this! Yea dating men of a different race may not bring you the same problems as dating those of your own but best believe there will be some type of problem. Its human nature.

      • Top5DOA

        PERFECT.

    • Top5DOA

      Easier said than done.

      Try being with someone who leaves you because the dope boy is already "successful", while you go off to college to get a degree or the chick that wants you when ur broken up and then doesn't want you when ur together … she just likes the chase or the ultra-insecure chick that goes through ur phone while you sleep or while ur in the restroom and spazzes cuz another woman says "Hey, how are you?".

      Not trying to shift blame or anything, but everything isn't so cut and dry as it may seem. It's never Girl meets Guy. Girl falls in love and waits for Guy to reciprocate that love. There's much more behind all of that. Make a behind the scenes move before you write off black men. More power to you tho on the dating outside our race. Hope u find what ur looking for whether he's spanish, white, black, or asian.

  • http://codecipher.blogspot.com MeteorMan

    WIM, Good job on this post!

    I can honestly say that I've never feared love in the way you expressed but I can respect and understand why that's the case for some of my fellow men.
    My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

  • cbrantley15

    I beg to differ with this posting. I have never been afraid of love nor have I ever shied away from loving… I just seem to pick women who want a man who will love them, but don't appreciate the love they receive from me… Women want men who treats them with disrespect and malice… The way I was treated in my last relationship makes me want to dog out women, but I choose not. I rather treat a woman with the utmost respect. As the Temptations song convey, I like to "treat them like a lady". I have since closed my heart off from dating because I refused to get hurt again… I have love and I have lost, now it's time for me to get the Harley and ride my bike and be about me… but I am never nor will I ever fear to love… I think it (LOVE) is the most incredible gift that GOD has given us outside of life itself…

    • Bree

      u make some great points cbrantley….don't keep closing yourself off from dating. Ask yourself are you choosing the Right Women For The Right Reasons…………..
      I think when men follow biblical teachings and seek a truly "virtuous woman" and women seek a man who will "love them as Christ loves the church" then everything comes together as it should and the way God intended. Virtuous women don't all look like Nia Long and Beyonce and they aren't always executives or have college degrees…..just something to think about.

  • cbrantley15

    Ps, this is to my brothers who are fortunate to have a loving woman, STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF. Love her with all your being….

  • Lovey

    This was wonderful WIM, best blog Ive read on this site

  • JasmineLeanae

    I must say that WIM has blown me away with this post. I recently began writing and after reading this post I ripped up my last 3 pieces. I felt my heart flutter while reading this. Kudos!

  • amazee1

    What a beautiful way to show what the inside of a man's heart looks like. Not that I'm surprised, I've known for a long time now that women are stronger than men. I appreciate the truth and sadness in this letter because that what makes it beautiful for me. But, I don't think this letter justify's broken homes and broken hearts. Fear will never be an acceptable reason for me because I'm scared of a lot of ish but I couldn't sleep well at night knowing that my cowardice broke somebody.

  • peter parker

    good stuff WIM.

    all i can say…is that for some guys, it's hard to be afraid of something they've never had.
    My recent post kjnetic: slowly mechanicalizing.

  • toni

    I read this about 10 times… Thank You! :)

  • james

    I dont see how one man can possibly know why other men dont fall in love. If he is speculating thats cool but this comes off as fact.

    I am not afraid to fall in love in fact thats the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I will not be a FOOL for love.

    If I am love with her, I will challenge her on herr points and interest not just lap it because we are in love. I dont throw around love because its real, thats why KRS ONE made the song "Love is Gonna Getcha" because people throw the word around too much. Since the mid 90's people think if the social status of a lover passes mustard and the sex is good beyond six months people say "love" and move in. Things fall apart and now we here saying how men are afraid of love.

    Maybe we need to stop rushing into things, if you think you love someone or something give it a year and see if that feeling and the things you do cause of it still get you up and running when in a rut.

  • Bree

    This was so beautifully written it almost brought me to tears….*smile*
    I love the sheer sincerity and heart and soul poured into this…and it The Truth.
    Thanks for this Wisdom…..we all (men and women) needed to hear this.

    • cbrantley15

      @ BREE, thanks for your insight, but at 53 years old, it's time for me to do me… I would love to be a in loving relationship, it's just women say they want that, but become afraid when they actually get in a relationship where a man wants to love them seriously… It's time for the Harley and the open road…

  • cbrantley

    @ BREE, thanks for your insight, but at 53 years old, it’s time for me to do me… I would love to be a in loving relationship, it’s just women say they want that, but become afraid when they actually get in a relationship where a man wants to love them seriously… It’s time for the Harley and the open road…

  • Brittney J

    Wow! I almost cried reading this. Messed up part is, I'm the one whose afraid of love. (I kind of don't believe in love). Anyways, thanks for this letter, I definitely needed to read it.

  • Breeeeeeeeeee

    Beautifully written. Truly.

  • 'PC

    Not feeling it. Either you love someone, or you don't. The love's still there or not. Committed or ballin'. This notion that men somehow can't manage seems to me a great preemptive strike at excusing cheating and other bullshit. Love is tricky, and outside of marriage, there really are no rules outside of what the committed lovers have agreed to. Stop crying, dude, and either commit or keep it movin'…

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  • http://www.freerelationshipdating.com mic

    Love itself is a risk. This is such a great letter. :)

  • Vera

    Thank you Now I understand

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  • Caralynn

    I am woman who isn't soft and pink …. A little less emotional – bit less affectionate than the "norm"… This letter made me feel something … Then I realized it described how I feel…. Maybe these feelings are for a man or woman that is a little more cautious or scared then what we "think" is the norm. There are plenty of men that fall hard, often, and fast… I know cause I normally attract them! Then, the unthinkable… I met my match….. My fear is challenged by love —- and the love is winning even without the guarantee it will be reciprocated……. Wham…… He is more fearful than me. How can I be mad?

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  • https://www.facebook.com/alaa.a.mostafa.984 Alaa Abu El-Ella

    So true!

  • Joaquin

    Wow. My mind is blown with this post. It basically reads out exactly what I have been going through, put in words. I envy people that can go in with emotion first, without a guarantee of return. But a tip for women would be to do as WIM said. Give us much, show who you are, be "loving". But don't give us truly all until you know you are guaranteed back. Your milage may vary.

    We men can sense this, and will reluctantly go to do the upper most before we feel that you are on the right side of the boat. And during our pursuit in to getting you there, we inch closer to that side too. The harder it was, the closer we are to where you are at when its time to make a mind up.