Home Featured Engaged Black Male: 5 Signs Your Marriage Will Fail

Engaged Black Male: 5 Signs Your Marriage Will Fail

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"What do you mean her butt is nicer than mine?!?!?!"

I Worry.  If I don’t grind hard enough, I won’t be rich.  If I don’t set at least 2 alarms, I’ll miss my flight.  Sh*t happens and I try hard to make sure it doesn’t happen to me.

Now I find myself about to get married.  I am about to commit the rest of my life to another person.  But not only the person, but the concept of marriage.  With high divorce rates, stories of failed marriages, and the sad reality that Steve Harvey is the messiah of one too many single women looking for love … it seems like marriage is all kinds of jacked up.

I’ve talked to people, read opinions, and meditated (yeah … just sat there and thought about ish) and I have come up witha few surefire signs that a young and budding marriage will surely fail.  Heed my advice … have I let you down yet?

S/He’s doesn’t like “Coming to America”

WTF! Where did you even find this person?  How can any marriage composed of one person with no sense of humor (who didn’t want to personally go to Zamunda after watching the movie) survive?  You might think this isn’t a big deal and that no two people can like all of the same things, but the person you want to marry might be a serial killer or white.  Can’t sing along with Sexual Chocolate … marriage doomed.

S/He won’t give enlightenment

You saw “The Brothers”.  You can’t you even blame D.L. for getting a divorce (spoiler)?  You might think this isn’t important. You might think that the love for this other person will overcome the lack of oral satisfaction.  But the truth is you will end up at your boy’s (or girl’s) bachelor party trying to pay a stripper to give you the “attention” that you need (Lost … watch “The Brothers” again).  No slobbing (or licking) … marriage doomed.

He doesn’t know how to lie

I love my future wife, but there are just times when the truth will do more damage than it’s worth.  I’m not talking about big lies (“That isn’t my nephew, it’s my son”), but the small ones that make the world turn a little smoother.  Lies such as “that looks really good on you”, “what? Your friend has a fat a$$? I never even noticed,” and the most important “Of course you’re right honey.”  The fact is that any good husband needs to keep his wife happy through the flawless telling of small mistruths. Can’t lie about the back fat with a straight face? Marriage doomed.

She makes more money … significantly more

I am just as forward thinking as the next person.  I believe in sexual equality, I believe she can do anything I can do, and I don’t want her to think that I am going to hold her back in anyway.  But … I’m not trying to ask my wife for money or look at her paycheck and guffaw how much bigger it is than mine.  F* all that. As much as we say it’s OK … trust … it isn’t. Double his pay … marriage doomed.

All her friends want to f* her husband

Let’s face it … women are grimy and men are weak.  If you have beautiful women constantly thrown in your face because of brunch, drinks at night, and birthday parties … there is a chance for trouble.  If these women are explicitly plotting on how to actually get you to crack … there will be trouble.  Grimy friends with fat a$$ (or tig ol’s) … marriage doomed.

What are the warning signs that you have seen?  How can you predict a dead man walking down the aisle? Let’s have fun while speaking some truths!

 – SBM aka “It’s not a lie if I tell myself it’s true” aka SBM ain’t scurred

P.S. The day is upon us! SBM Happy Hour tonight at Empire Room in NYC from 6-10pm. If you’re in the city and plan to drop, please rsvp here: SBM Happy Hour RSVP Form

Comment(84)

  1. As an EBM, I’m nervous as hell that I won’t slip up. My (future) wife is the total packasge, basically good looks, good money basically got her shit together but man it seems like soon as you try to lock things down the wolves=hungry single chicks come out.

    1. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Sometimes there's no grass on the other side, just a big lump of concrete and when you fall into it you'll end up busting your head wide open! If God blessed you with the total package stick to her like glue and be satisfied. Those wolves are single for a reason. Keep it moving!

    2. Hey brother, Look I have been there. But there comes a point where you have to realize that she is enough. I am tempted all the time but I think all that I have to lose and seeing her cry and it is not worth it.

      If you think it is bad now, just wait until she puts that ring on your finger. They will come out of the wood works on you. Podna, Woman and sex are my wicknesses but I am proud to say that I have not allowed myself to fall. My wife is apart of a Sorority and she has some "BAD" Sorors. They are flirtious and sometimes to overly friendly. But I draw the line in the sand , that is more for me and not for them.

  2. 1. I think common interests are very important although we like to pretend otherwise. Sure I might not leave her if she doesnt like Training Day but when its on TNT and she wants to watch Kardashians I will point out she has the television IQ of a 16 year old and she will bring up my vast collection of video games… (a little too detailed…lets move on)

    2. Never seen The Brothers but the statute of limitations has passed on spoiler alerts. But yes marriages fail on lack of licky (see Benet, Eric …i always thought halle was too prissy to do it)

    3. I refuse to believe people cant lie. Most of the time the people who portray themselves as bad liars be the Michael Jordan of liars. He cant say he likes your outfit with a straight face but ask him what he did before he came home from work.

    4. Nothing to add.

    5. Most women should know their friends. They heard enough stories to know never evereverever evereverever leave her alone with yours.

    1. Most women should know their friends. They heard enough stories to know never evereverever evereverever leave her alone with yours.
      Wait…the men have to hold some accountablility as well now. She can proposition all she likes but it is his choice to accept. A man that is so easily enslaved to his desire is such a punk…and isn't worth worrying about it. Can't turn a hoe into a husband.

  3. One sure fire way of knowing your marriage will fail is a lack of communication and understanding… BELIEVE THAT!!!!

    I have to say however, that the scene in BROTHERS where home boy eats the last piece of chicken is something for us men to think about… I won't give away the outcome, LOL!!! Great movie, definitely a keeper for the collection…

  4. I was with you on the first 3. You were on point. But then come #4 and #5. And that’s were ya messed up.

    #4 my man you are showing your hand. You Insecurity hand. You are allowing money to determine your manhood. Never do that. Anything can happen in life. You could be making more and then the company you work for goes under. Now your wife is pulling in most of the income while you try to recover. Is that going to cause your marriage to fail? I should hope not. Or what if by some miraculous blessing she gets the ill raise/promotion and now easily out earns you? You going to divorce her for succeeding? Id tell you to think #4 over.

    #5 If you think other women chasing after you, her girlfriends included, is going to be a problem you may want to think over about getting married. Im joking but im serious. Once that ring hits you’d finger you become the Prime Negro. The good dude that they are all looking for. And the happier your wife seems to be the better and more appealing you will become. A wedding ring on a mans finger is like dangling crack rock in front of a recovering coke fiend.

    1. 4)Agree Once you become married you guys are a team so one person making more should only increase you guys value as a unit. Plus as long as you have a job or savings you won’t have to ask your wife fir lunch money.

      5) hopefully your wife knows her friends and knows the wolves. But in the case that she doesn’t remember those stories she’s probably told you about their crazy tails lol and keep your piece in your pants. Don’t let some unattached box have you rethinking one of the best decisions of your life. Pu$$y will always be there but your wife won’t if your mess up. Not only that but if your wife is the total package think about all the men joking her and how would you feel if she took one of their advances

      1. I do agree with both things you wrote. Especially with the latter part of #5. Women are offered dick relentlessly. And a man would have to be a fool to think that none of his boys are looking wt his woman thinking, “If she give a nigga just one chance….”.

    2. Yeah, what Larnelw said. Especially #5. Please miss me with all that 'all men cheat' philosophy. I'm tired of hearing this lie that all men are all powerless, spineless, weak objects when it comes to resisting sex. Like if another woman looks good enough and is persistent enough, she can just slither her way into my marriage and take what's mine. GTFOH. Cheating is a choice and there are men who choose not to disrespect their wives and the sanctity of their marriages. I'm not saying every man is perfect (just like no woman is completely perfect), but cheating isn't every man's weakness.

      That's not to be naive and say the temptation doesn't exist. I'm just saying cheating isn't some plague running rampant in the streets that you are obligated to catch. I don't have to check what other women are doing. That's my husband's job. I trust him that he knows when other women are trying to overstep their boundaries and it's his responsibility to check them. No reason for me to even lift a finger. It's women who think they can stop or control their spouse and his potential indiscretions that become insecure and paranoid- which causes more harm than good. Ladies, if you're man wants to be faithful, there's nothing another woman can do about it. Conversely, if you're man wants to cheat, there's nothing you can do about it. It's up to him to make that decision, hopefully before he even puts that ring on your finger.

    3. Idk bro … My parents got divorced for that very reason you mentioned in #4 … My pops is an engineer and he got laid off … couldn't find work for a grip … DIVORCE. Now he's making 2Xs what he was before and remarried not too long after the divorce (1-2 yrs later).

      Although money shouldn't be the reason for divorce, more than not it is. I think money issues may have been the divorce issue for the older marriages 40+ year old folks.

      1. Money is not the issue people ego’s and attitudes are the issue. When your partner is out of work you have to be understanding and supportive with out hanging your pay check over their head. If I made more than my man I would not use that as a way to knock his manhood. My man also has to understand that sh1t happens we married each other so we can help each other when we’re down and out so don’t feel assames about being laid off but also don’t sit around feeling sorry for yourself and taking it out I me your wife.

      2. conversely, my dad lost most of his investments when the economic downturn first hit and my mum earned all the money we lived off for the next four years, even went back to school and got another master's degree so she could go even further.
        When she cooked, or we ate out, she always made us go find our dad and say thanks for the meal. always ,even when we knew he hadn't paid for it . She explained the situation calmly to all of us and she did everything she could not to let the pressure get to him ( the strain affected his health a lot).

        Dad back on feet now. Just took mom out for some mysterious alone time shopping trip. Anecdotes don't prove anything per se… except that relationships are not black and white.

    1. Some women don't even get past the first 3 dates because of music. If I'm rocking George Duke, Stevie Wonder, SOS Band, Lalah Hathaway, or my own compositions (i.e. REAL MUSIC) and you're rocking Dixie Chicks or Wacka Flocka and claiming that's good music, then we CLEARLY have a problem.

  5. Good post.
    For me let's see my trivials but these things work my last nerve.
    1.) He can't put the toilet seat back down. Arrrrgggghhhh! I know yo mama taught you this! LOL
    2.) He just drops his dirty clothes on the floor. Put them in the hamper silly!
    3.) If he doesn't let me ramble on sometimes. I talk a lot. So sue me I'm a girl. I try to tone it down some b/c I want to hear what he says but its also how I process things. I talk on and on in apparent circles to a conclusion he may of already came to but for me the process is longer. And for me sometimes I need to go thru the whole process. He don't have to listen the whole time just interject some "oh really's" and "mmm hhmmm"s" at the appropriate pauses.

    1. I've never gotten that toilet seat thing. Why is it his responsibility? I mean, doesn't it take as much effort for him to lift it up as it does for me to put it down?

    1. There are more ways for you to be “needed” than just money. Just because a wife may make more than her husband doesn’t mean she no longer needs him. There is spiritual as well as emotional support. Because while dollars will keep the gas on a lonely bed is still a lonely bed.

  6. I'm actually going to agree with you on #4. Money is a huge issue, whether you think you're a team or in love etc… it will eventually become the weight that drags you down. That goes both way. If he makes more money and lords it over you, the woman is going to exhaust herself to make her own money and be a good wife, striving to become your equal (read here resentment).
    I have a few more to add:
    1) preconceived notions of marriage: when each person comes to the table with a box of expectations, you spend the entire marriage trying to fulfill the other person based on tradition, thus losing why you fell in love in the first place.
    2) Raising kids: this is a whole other dynamic, but if you want to raise the kids the way you were raised and your spouse disagrees there will be tension.
    3) Ambition: when you start to have a life crisis and change your path, if your spouse can't/won't move with you bet that the marriage will dissolve.
    My recent post Good Mourning

    1. justlissen I cosign on all of that…….Those are very point and very important, in fact besides the communication number one is many times the root of marital problems…(especially for women).
      I think before folks get married they aren't realistic enough about the wants, needs, and desires of the person they are marrying and their role in the marriage.
      With ambition can come big ego's. When the ego's come thats where the problems come into play.
      Also jealousy. You should be supportive of your spouse and not jealous when your spouse moves up in life and their career.

    1. There is no such thing as a sign your marriage will fail. Except yout spouse hiring a divorce attorney. Everything else is negotiable. As long as you stay together, youre together. Simple as that.

  7. I think the biggest sign your marriage will fail is giving yourself an option that your marriage could fail. When my boyfriend and I decided we were ready to be married, the first thing we agreed on is that divorce would never be an option. "Till death do us part." No prenup. No fail safe plan. No safety net of funds sequestered away 'just in case this goes south.' Nothing. The reason so many people get divorced is because they know they can. People would rather leave a situation, than stay and work through it. Marriage is work. Some days require more work than others. But nothing in life worth having comes easy. I'm not saying you should stay in a marriage where you are being abused (physically or mentally) or blatantly mistreated, but when you make a vow for the 'better or worse,' you better make sure you're really prepared for that 'worse.'

    1. @Fresh that's an excellent point. However I do believe you should be prepared for the worst. If you know your marrying the right person and you've taken the time to really really know them and they really know you and you've had the right types of discussions about finances, sex, raising kids, living together, money etc etc etc, and your 2 mature responsible people who can problem solve well together then the last thing you should have to worry about is divorce. Also if you fully understand what it means to be a "husband" and a "wife" in every sense of the word and you take it seriously and there is no game playing then you should be good and not have anything to worry about.
      I suggest premarital counseling for every engaged couple. It can definitely help put some things on the table that you may have missed and help you put things into perspective.

      1. "I suggest premarital counseling for every engaged couple. It can definitely help put some things on the table that you may have missed and help you put things into perspective."

        DEFINITELY … I even think counseling while married is good too … We as a people don't explore the idea of counseling enough.

        1. Counseling while married is imperative. Even the best athletes/team players need a referee… It's always important to have a neutral party, especially when you're all in your emotions, etc
          My recent post Good Mourning

        2. Top5 and justlissen if you have had good premarital counseling then you shouldn't need counseling while your married. Hopefully if you go to a professional and not just your pastor….they teach you ways to effectively communicate and problem solve together.
          I think the key is being able to effectively communicate and problem solve without any outside people. You should get to a point where you learn how to work things out with each other. You should also know each other well enough to be able to effectively communicate and problem solve together without any outside assistance.
          Now if something comes up that you don't know how to handle or deal with, like if your spouse loses a parent or if you lose a child then you may need counseling again to deal with that because it's a major crisis. But just regular everday stuff you should know how to work out on your own. Nothing to it but to do it.
          Counselors and Psychologist will teach you all kinds of exercises and ways to communicate well with each other…..after that its a matter of applying every day what you learn. Kinda like when you hire a personal trainer…at some point you shouldn't need the personal trainer because you've been taught everything you need to know to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

        3. Counseling doesn't necessarily mean things need to be going awry. Plus, i'm not talking about weekly counseling post marriage.

          Think of it this way, I want to get to know Christ and his word and announce my discipleship. I go to church, learn, worship, get baptised, and become a Christian (by my own confession), does that mean i should stop going to church now that i've announced my allegiance? I'm sure it won't hurt.

        4. I agree with both sides. I've mentioned before on here that my parents are divorced so prior to my own nuptials, I had both pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling because I wanted to make sure I was fully aware, able, equipped, and committed to the life stage I was about to enter. I agree with Bree that an 'ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure' in the sense that most people sign up for the contract without reading all the fine print. By doing some due diligence before hand, many couples can save themselves a great deal of heartache in the long run, simply by realizing that either it's not the right time, right person, or something else.

          On the flip, I definitely agree with Top5DOA and Justlissen. There's no shame in getting counseling while you're married. It's like your physical health. I can take all the necessary precautions all year round to eat healthy, get rest, wash my hands, and take my vitamins but I'm not guaranteed I'll never get sick. Sometimes things happen. Life isn't perfect and you can only prepare so much for the unknown. My initial point was that both people have to commit to getting better. I think a lot of couples would rather walk away from a marriage that's sickly, than take a hard look in the mirror and realize that yeah, love hurts sometimes and it's not easy. There might be a quick remedy for what ails your marriage- it might require some deep physical therapy. Either way- there's no shame in getting sick, and needing help to get better.

          "Even the best athletes/team players need a referee…" (You better say that!)

          The truth is people change. The people you are when you're first married are not guaranteed to be the same people when you're married in 15-25 years. Life happens. The conflict resolution that may work for you at the early stages in your marriage may not be as effective as the decades go by. Even your own body gets immune to certain medications if you take them long enough. You might have to get creative with a new approach and remedy to make it work and outside, professional counseling can do that for you, if you let it.

  8. If you can’t be with your girl and be like “Damn that’s a whooty” it ain’t gonna work. Because your lady don’t really know who you are. That’s what it comes down right there in a nutshell. Sings it’s going to fail, she doesn’t really know who you are, or you don’t know who she is. Keep it real, why do politicians and athletes wives stay with them through the scandals… because they know their spouse and they know who they are. When they don’t, they bounce almost right away.

    Make sure y’all know who each other are, the real who you are too.

        1. cute krystl is baaaack…..yaaaaaay. Hey krystl….girl I can't keep up wit all these acronyms sometimes. Ain't no shame in my game…..if I wanna know I'll ask in a heartbeat.

        2. Dang girl was the last pic that bad? I thought it was funny.

          The whole thing with the whooty/booty though, I'm more likely to point one out. "Yo do you see that?" He asked me why I always point out the bad ones. lol

    1. I agree. To piggy back on what you said, I think it is important to be able to completely be yourself, and for your spouse to be able to acknowledge another person's looks and not have you get all insecure and pissed off about it (he's/she's married, not blind). When you can totally be yourself around someone, your marriage is much more likely to succeed!

  9. Oh I forgot one more…

    If a chick don't like Chinese food, break up with her immediately and report her to the authorities to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

    It's like 250 things on that menu, if she don't like one, something is WRONG with her.

    1. lmao…Dr. J some folks don't like Chinese food cause the are vegans and they think it's made of cats and dogs…..lol
      My mom didn't eat Chinese food like that because she said they ate cats and she didn't trust it.
      Ironically if you go to China, Japan, Korea, and Vietnam, they do "traditionally" eat cats and dogs……forreal.

      1. Chill… 250 items on the menu… 250. You can get some soup or some rice, some steamed rice. And what you said about China, Japan, Korea and Vietnam is racist as hell. That's like me saying, ironically if you go to America there are Black people selling drugs and ruining their communities.

        1. ok ok ok Dr. J…..point taken…..now I'm gonna count the chinese food menu to see if it's 250 really items on there……lol *smile*

        2. I'm with a vegan and I'm much, much more constricted in my eating than he is, and Asian food is more or less the only place I can go to eat out, so I'm with you on this one.

          It's not racist to say they eat dogs though, it's a fact. In China eating dogs is not considered criminal or bad and people who do it aren't in danger of going to jail or dying, so it's not like selling drugs. It's only racist if you think all Chinese people are bad because they eat dog meat. If you really think about it, dog meat is just the same as cow meat, horse meat, or any other animal's meat.

        1. ok….I think it may be Vietnam….I know there is an Asian country that does actually eat cats and dogs. I saw it in a PBS documentary.
          But I stand corrected justlissen….never been to Japan so…….
          Either way I eat Chinese food and like it a lot so it is what it is….I have probably eaten worse….actually I've had fried alligator at a cajun restaurant in Houston TX and fried squid so……

      2. I had boycotted chinese food for a little while because of all the MSG but dang that orange chicken was calling my name.

    2. Indeed.. this is a definite non-negotiable. I WILL NOT date a picky eater… you dont have to eat what I eat… but you MUST be able to find something to eat on a menu… If you can't.. you have a problem that I dont even want to diagnose.

  10. Also, #1 is also in line with that person "getting" your sense of humor, not just simply having a sense of humor. If you always hear crickets when you tell your spouse-to-be a funny, marriage doomed!
    My recent post The Kardashian Kool-Aid

      1. lmao…..Dammit Slim you literally made me spit my juice out on my freakin keyboard wit that one…….lmao….that ish was funny as hell and gave me a mental picture of it….lol

  11. I agree with this list. Maybe not so much #5 but I see what you're saying.

    For #4, I think people are glossing over the significantly more qualifier. I use to think money wasnt a "big deal" until I dated a woman that made 3 times my income. Mind you I make almost twice the national average. Soooo, yeah. It made me feel some type of way and I could tell it made her feel some type of way, too. We can all pretend gender roles have disappeared but the only gender roles people don't like are the ones that negatively affect them. Anywayssss, money, like air and sex, doesn't matter, until it matters. Yall can call me whatever type of names yall want. Sticks and stones, bro.

    My recent post Happy Holidays

    1. Wis at the end of the day it's all mental……it matters if you let it matter and it's a problem if you let it be a problem……Steadman never complained about Oprah making more than him……lol I'm just sayin…….

        1. Wis if a man is secure enough in his manhood and knows that regardless of what he makes or doesn't make his woman is still ride or die then what she makes doesn't matter…..now it can become an issue when other folks know their business and tongues get to waggin and folks start gossipin and talkin ish about you behind your back…….again imo it's all a state of mind that doesn't have to be….if you changed your mindframe and way of thinking and didn't let it bother you then it wouldn't.
          That's like men who are with women who are taller than them…..some guys refuse to date a woman taller than them because they feel awkward, while others could give a damn and don't feel any less of a man walking down the street with a woman a few feet taller than them. I personally know both types of men.

        2. While I appreciate your in-depth analysis Bree you clearly glossed right over this part of my comment I could tell it made her feel some type of way, too. I also hope you take time to read Naija's comment below which is a far more accurate assessment.

          But to respond, I generally don't care how much my woman does or does not make. This, however, was the largest discrepancy in incomes I ever faced and in being honest – as I always am – I stated how I felt about it.

          My recent post N****s in Paris and Beyond

      1. This is not something that is easily and vaguely brushed away as being "simply a mental issue". It taps into ideas of self-concept and expectations that people grew up with, and affects people both on a conscious and subconscious level.

        For a whole decade, my mother's income constituted at least 80% of our household income because my Dad had to return to school and work his way back up from scratch. Men and women alike praised my mother for still giving him the respect he deserves and treating him like head of the household, and some women were clear about the fact that they could not deal with that. My parents made it through successfully, but the situation had a negative psychological effect on my father, who was raised with a breadwinner mentality. That in turn affected my mother at different times. Not everyone has a solid enough foundation and determination to make it work.

        There have been numerous studies done, and it's generally an issue when the woman earns significantly more than the man. Part of this is due to a discrepancy in education levels, where women with post-graduate degrees find themselves with men who barely attended college if at all, and who later grow to resent the fact that they feel ill at ease with the professional company that their partner keeps or the fact that she keeps rising in rank and income bracket while he plateaus early on. On their end, women don't always do a good job of handling the situation either. We are all aware of situations in which women lord their accomplishments and status over their partners. Some women do grow resentful of the fact that they are carrying things on a financial level, because they were also raised with a men-as-breadwinner expectation. They begin to engage in overt and/or covert displays of disrespect towards their partners, and challenge them in unnecessary ways. Meanwhile, the men may equally view some very innocent things to be a challenge to their manhood and react negatively. A snowball effect ensues, with the almost inevitable result being divorce or perpetual unhappiness.

        It's not a simple issue by any means.

    2. I agree… I don't care what anyone says, when one person makes more than the other and it's the woman there's gonna be trouble, trouble (RIP Bernie Mac). It could be little things like you buy Kraft Cheese and she wants Cabot Vermont Cheddar ($3 difference in price). No matter what pay grade, you tend to live on a budget, and when the other party doesn't respect or understand that budget (because it falls out of line with their available cash flow) there will be disagreements, jealousy, and eventually resentment.
      My recent post Diggin’ on you

      1. amen to this! i find the little things have a bigger effect than the overall concept. Someone who'll easily drop 300 dollars on a meal? and Im checking the circulars to see whats on sale so I can determine what Im gonna cook.. you dont want to have to say baby I cant afford that… thats not a sexy thing to say, but it gets to that point… Its hard. Its not just mental, there are practical differences that can come from it.

    3. I agree, money matters a whole lot. If the couple doesn't see money the same way it's an issue. Gender roles have definitely not been completely reworked yet. Most people still think the ideal is the man making more money. It makes total sense for a man to feel some type of way. If they both feel some type of way, they shouldn't ignore it.

      Still, I see what Bree is saying too. If you found someone you are willing to marry, you're not going to work out your social conditioning? Also, if y'all are married, what in the world is this asking one's spouse for money? If we've taken it that far, it's our money. Wasn't the whole point uniting as one? Borrowing or an allowance within a marriage does not compute for me. Yeah, we should be agreeing about budgeting in general, but neither of us should feel like we're asking permission from a gatekeeper. That does sound like a ticket on the train to Divorce.

      1. My mom grew resentful towards my dad for making more money than she did, when he wouldn't discuss large purchases with her because she couldn't contribute financially. (And I'm not talking big-screen tv here)

        I'm not denying the effect of gender roles, but I think it depends wholly on the two people in question. For example, my guy grew up with his mom making tons of money, and he's used to that, so I don't think he'd have a problem with me making more money. He'd just be happy we'd have some more cash on our hands. Conversely, if he made a ton more than me, I'd be happy cause we'd have some more cash on our hands. Although this is all hypothetical since at the moment neither of us is earning anything at all. I guess, when you're knocking on poverty's door, you're just happy someone earns something?

  12. I'm just gonna say food. If you can't enjoy the same foods together, that just sucks and don't nobody wanna live like that.

    1. Good one. I'd also like to add "travel" for $500 Mr. Trebek. I like to travel and I can't seriously date a woman that is either terrified of flying (to the point of never leaving home) and/or who is perfectly content living and dying in the same city she born and raised in. Have to be willing to expand your horizons – and diversify your bonds.

      My recent post A Real Woman

      1. Oh yes WIM. I'm from a small town and would not have been content to just live and die there without ever experiencing anything else. If I were from a big city maybe I'd feel differently. I've got to admit though WIM I was a punk when I took my first plane ride (and back) but a vacation would be worth it.

        1. I disagree with both. I don't think I can find another person in this world who enjoys eating *only* the things I enjoy eating, since I'm extremely picky + vegetarian bordering on vegan. My SO is a vegan, but because of my pickiness there's only a few dishes we both enjoy equally. We don't have a problem with it though, we both cook our own meals, not that hard. And it's not more expensive either, I don't know why it would be?

          And traveling, too. My SO isn't into traveling (except Amsterdam, krhmm) and I am, so I just go with my friends, if I have money. Not a problem for us. But I can definitely see this bothering other people.

        2. Welp. For some people the food issue is not a problem but when you try to eat something and your SO is constantly sneering at your plate, that's kind of a party pooper. There are even some instances where, yes I was restricted from eating certain things. Now he didn't outright wag his finger at me and say no you can't have this but he did say some things like I won't kiss you for the rest of the day if you eat that mustard. And I was gullible enough to fall for it until after maybe seven years. I was like well that's your loss idiot. Further, this made me feel selfish if I chose to buy something only for myself to eat, like, I'm the only person in the house who eats jam. We'd rather buy something we all can eat. Not to mention feeling like I was being supervised when we went grocery shopping.

        3. On top of that, when we first moved in together, his vegetable choices were either green beans or corn. That sh.it got boring so fast but you'd think I was asking him to eat battery acid instead of spinach. I was able to turn that around after a only few years though, having kids helped. Of course somebody like you who has already restricted your eating habits so far wouldn't feel any loss but I felt some resentment during that time. I just ask for a little more open-mindedness from my SO that's all. And after eleven years, we're finally kind of there. The things we do for love. Sorry, a little long winded there so I won't even address the travel part.

    1. For me it's bonding over certain foods, especially when it comes to sharing favorites. I love pecan pie but my hubs doesn't eat pie at all. At first it was like okay that's funny and quirky, now it's just like man whatever.

  13. I'm glad EBM came out and said it and that there was some legitimate discussion on the topic: Men are always acting like women with money don't know how to act, when that's not always the case. I once got into a debate with some dude in the weight room about the subject of women with professional degrees. He kept asserting that black women with degrees are 'too picky' and 'controlling'.

    I do think it's a mental thing and not so much a 'women don't know how to handle power' thing, like I've heard people, including the aforementioned jerk, say. Though I will acknowledge that both sexes come to the table with traditional expectations of gender roles and that a woman out earning her man can put a strain on the relationship…but like Bree above, I maintain it's a mental thing. Money matters, true. And while it's not a simple issue by any means, that only makes sense…a paradigm shift is never a simple feat. But it's certainly not impossible.

  14. I don't like the white lying one. I want a man to be honest. Completely honest. Brutally honest. Not because I want to hear that I look fat in what I got on but because it's the truth. And dammit sometimes the truth hurts. I don't want the guy that's too scared to hurt my feelings. Because everything I got to say to you won't be nice. If we're getting married, you're bound to hurt my feelings at some point. And I'm going to hurt yours. Not intentionally, but it happens. So let's everybody get over it. Give your woman enough credit to believe she can handle the whole truth. That doesn't mean don't engage tact. Tact is important because sometimes it's not what you said it's how you said it. But white lies don't help anybody for real. I think telling white lies is a huge warning sign. I intend to tell my hubby the full truth and I hope he does the same.
    My recent post Wait Did He Just Say Temporary Boyfriend?

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