Home Featured When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Relationship Edition

When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: Relationship Edition

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Honesty is the best policy! Right?

WRONG!

While last time I talked about the importance of being able to lie as necessary for a happy relationship, the truth is I love telling the truth, and it should be done as much as possible.  I’m more than happy to drop my 2 cents when needed (probably explains why I started this blog).

But sometimes … honesty just doesn’t work. There are some things that people don’t every want to or need to hear. There are sometimes when, especially in a relationship: “Keeping it real” goes wrong

***disclaimer***    This applies to people in a real relationship (Girl/Boyfriend, Fiancee, Husband/Wife). You can tell your Jumpoff and FwB whatever the f* is on your mind.

It looks like you are gaining weight

I’ve been on this earth almost 30 years and no matter what woman in my life I’m talking to, I haven’t found a single successful way to let any of them know they are gaining weight. The few times I was stupid enough to even try it resulted in crying or me being cursed the f* out.  Usually this comment comes out of a real belief that your health may be at risk. Alas … if you ever feel the need to tell this to a female (and most forms of b**** n****s and sensitive guys for the ladies) … just stop.

Your friend is a little [sexier, smarter, cuter, a better head giver] than you

Nobody wants to be told by the love of their life that one of their friends would make a better mate. I don’t care if you are talking about Lex Steele, please sell me on the dream that I can do anything and everything he can do, or you just don’t care about whatever he is better at. Now, when we are all in the same room, someone is getting hot every time said friend and the significant other talk for more than 5 minutes.  People have died over this … don’t do it.

F* yo couch! aka (That thing you love is dumb as f___)

If you have been with me through the years, you know my musical tastes (F* R&B and give me Chopped & Screwed all day).  Once, this chic sitting in my car had the audacity to utter out of her mouth “I think Chopped & Screwed is stupid”. I gave her a side eye so mean that besides instantly causing her head to swell … I damn near hit the car in front of me. Basically, if you don’t like something that your significant other does, don’t call it stupid, don’t insult it (some playful jokes are OK), and don’t make them feel bad about it. People have gotten choked out for less.

Yes I know that s/he likes me, but I don’t like them back

I don’t give a f*. If you know one of your friends wants to steal you away from me, and you have the situation under control, don’t confess to me about that. I will be looking at this person with the fiercest mean mug everytime he enters my presence. And if you ever make the mistake of telling a female that … go ahead and delete the phone number now because she will have a restraining order on her within 24 hours.

I’ve had tighter …

Need I say more? Lie, lie, lie until you think that God is personally about to come down and slap the voice out of your mouth.  As far as she needs to know, it’s the tightest, wettest, warmest, and best stuff you have ever gotten into. She is your girl now … not a jumpoff.  Think strategically.

I’ve had bigger …

Shhhhheeeeeeeettttttttt! I wish a motherf***er would. I just can’t see how any guy is going to take this well unless his woman spent several years in adult films before meeting him.

 

Honesty is a beautiful thing. When people say what is on their mind, it can give a relationship the staying power it needs. But with great power comes great repsonsibility. Don’t get yourself cut?

What are your “When Keeping It Real in A Relationship Goes Wrong” moments?

– SBM aka EBM aka I know I really am the biggest

Comment(69)

  1. lol. If you ask me any of those, I'm going to find the most tactful way of telling you the truth. But yeah, people need to keep their yaps shut if any of that is unsolicited. I wouldn't wild out if my s.o [tactfully] pointed out that I was gaining weight, though. I'd probably already be aware of it and would have brought it to his attention myself.

    Can't think of any right now, but you probably don't wanna tell the person that they weren't the one you were originally eyeing that night.

        1. lol I actually literally meant not the first person that the partner was "eyeing" that night, as in noticed. I don't want to hear that he came to me because the other one turned him down, either.

  2. Lmao. It’s not what you say but how you say it.It’s not about lying just going around the question.

    Example:

    Girlfriend: baby am I getting fat
    Boyfriend: baby I think you’re beautiful but if you want to lose weight I support you. (You didn’t hurt her feelings but you also secretly let her know that the gym wouldn’t be a bad idea)

    I say don’t ask your partner questions you don’t want a real answer too.

    Man: Am I the best sex you ever had
    Woman: no, but it still good I enjoy it. (Unless you want to know this in order to step your s3x game up plz don’t ask)

    1. Some folks are like that….and that tends to be a sign of being delusional with your head in the clouds and not being able to handle the straight up raw honest truth. Not everyone is like that. Some people want truth and honesty and can handle it pretty well.
      I think you have to know the person your dealing with well enough to know what they can and cannot handle truth wise.
      What shouldn't happen is that you have to lie to yourself and the other person about too many things just to "save face" and "keep the peace." Then you should ask yourself, "Is it really worth it?"

      1. You can be honest without telling the truth but you cant tell the truth without being honest. Keeping with the first theme of the post….

        Honest: You look fine.

        Truth: You look fine but you'd look better if you lost some weight.

        Both are accurate but there's really no need to venture into the truth area, which will cause drama, unless it's a serious issue that needs to be addressed. Honesty, while lazy, is a simple way of maintaining peace. People tend to tell the truth to people they don't really care about. I'ma let that sink in…

        My recent post Video Blog: WisdomIsMisery Does Vegas

        1. "Honesty, while lazy, is a simple way of maintaining peace."

          It's a necessity in a commited long term relationship or marriage.

          "People tend to tell the truth to people they don't really care about."

          And this is the Ugly Truth – when you no longer care the filters come off.

  3. I’ve had #s 2 and 4 of these happened to me quite/sort of recently, I’ll give a quick summary:

    #2. This actually happen a couple years ago. But, my gf wanted to try a threesome with me and her bestfriend, and me having never done one before, happily agreed. However the night before we were going to do it she asked me if I thought her bestfriend was pretty and my dumbass responded with “Yea, your friend ‘beautiful’.” That comment ended my hopes and dreams.

    #4. This one just happened two days ago. One of my close female friends did one of those checklist LMS things on FB. Out of curiousity, I liked her status under the false assumption the results would be summited to my inbox. Nope. That sh*t was plastered all over my Wall for everyone to see. My female friend admitted that she want to f*ck, lick, kiss, and date me and yada yada. My gf saw this immediately and all hell broke loose. And all I could say was a weak “But I don’t like her back…” I’m STILL doing damage control from this one.

    1. Good luck with that Ugly Kid…….u might want to consider buying your girl a gift, or flowers and cooking dinner or something.

  4. Just wanted to apologize to those that replied under my own comment yesterday. Because you of a hectic day I couldn’t reply on time. Thanks though for the feedback 🙂

  5. #3 Happened on our road trip… OMG, I should have had the taste slapped outta my mouth before I said it. What happened: He was driving, We (the passengers) wanted to watch a movie. We specifically wants to watch "Madea Christmas" He puts on Pirates of the Caribbean….wrong move…so everyone went to sleep…fast forward a few hours later. He is pissed because everyone in the car went to sleep while he was driving…sometimes I get diarrhea of the mouth…I said "We went to sleep because no one wanted to watch that ish". Wrong move….I'm still hearing about that…2 weeks later. Next time Imma tell my mouth to not say everything my brain is thinking. I need to learn to smile and say "yes dear." more often.
    My recent post Happy New Year!!!!

    1. its not his fault y'all hacve bad taste in movies.

      Madea Christmas????? What grown man would sit trapped in a car with Madea's Christmas?

  6. My boyfriend knows he Isnt the biggest I’ve had but he also knows by far.he Is the best.. its all about.how you say those “forbidden” things and how strong your relationahip with that person is.

  7. I’m Mr. When keeping it real goes wrong…probably because i have a tendency to assume everything I say can’t ever be misinterpreted. So now I wouldnt say I lie as much I just let you answer the question for me lol.

    1. If you ask me are you gaining weight i’ma say you look no different from last month.

    2. I pretty much say anyone i find attractive is iight…again leaving you to say what you mean shes pretty got a nice body…meanwhile im thinking about the greatest birthday gift ever lol

    3. This is will continue to get me in trouble for because i dont hold back. Unless it pertains to family or religion i will mock it.

    4. I’ve done this before, moreorless to kinda leave it out there to not get too comfortable then it backfired and she got insecure. Now i know to play oblivious.

    5. This one is just obvious. In a perfect world a girl will be like oh yea ninja i’ll show you whos bad but it just never goes down like that.

    Notable Additions:

    Where you do see us?- This one got me in trouble before. Being cynical about it every girl you dont see yourself marrying you’re prolonging an inevitable breakup. However i like t live in the moment…deep down i may know you wont be Mrs Tristan and perhaps i’m wasting my prime being in this relationship but of course i’ll never say this aloud.

    Tattoos- The thing with tattoos is that for us broke folks, they’re permanent. So regardless how awkward i think that koi fish looks i’ll never say.

    1. i have a tendency to assume everything I say can't ever be misinterpreted.

      This made me laugh. My dad thinks the same way.

  8. If the premise of this post is that lying is ok at times, I can't agree. I want anyone I'm around, especially someone who I'm close to, to be completely honest with me. How can you say you care about me if you have me looking like a fool? A lot of people think that when someone says they want 100% honesty, the aforementioned person should just accept the truth, smile, grin and bear it; this isn't possible. Just because I want honesty at all times doesn't mean I'm always going to like what's being said; however, I still need to hear it. If you're lying to keep the peace, I can't have you in my circle.

  9. I'm kinda sorta guilty of the second one. I told a dude his friend was cute but I didn't put "than you" on the end. That must've been what he heard though because he gave me the meanest side eye. Like so mean that I thought he was reciting a voodoo chant in his head cursing my firstborn. My bad. We never talked about it but it seems like he tried to hook my cousin up with his friend after that. Dudes are so dang sensitive.

  10. It looks like you are gaining weight — Actually you can tell them this in subtle ways that they'll realize they gaining weight. Like for example, tell her that her boobs are getting bigger. But when she gets her bra size checked, her cup size won't change just the band size. Works like a charm. Or you can just mention something when she does something that makes her fat. Like if she orders and eat way too much food, just say, "Last supper much?" Trust me, women know. And also if you put a scale in the bathroom because "you" want to watch your weight, even if you are as skinny as me

    Your friend is a little [sexier, smarter, cuter, a better head giver] than you — You ain't got to tell her something she already know.

    F* yo couch! aka (That thing you love is dumb as f___) — I don't know how you gonna stop a woman from speaking her mind on what you do that she don't like… godspeed bro.

    Yes I know that s/he likes me, but I don’t like them back — You don't have to tell her something she already know.

    I’ve had tighter … — Turn a negative into a positive. Tightness ain't always all it's talked up to be. I always tell folks, do you remember how hard it was the first time you took a v-card?! Shoot, give me a well oiled 26 year old anyday. Uh… maybe 24, but yeah, that tightness thing is overrated.

    I’ve had bigger … — If a chick tells you this, you should break up with her. I dated this girl and she was talking and she said, "I was with one guy and it was just like, "where do you think you're putting that?" She wasn't even talking to me, but I heard that like… yo you dead ass just made all these chicks think I was the second biggest dude you ever been with, what's up with that?

    1. One suggestion to men is to be more sensitive to a womans feelings if she has just had your baby. Then definitely don't say anything for a long while because it can and will set her off.
      One thing to do is as long as she has no health problems try to get her to work out while she is pregnant so the xtra weight doesn't turn into fat, but muscle and to make it easier to lose the baby weight faster post pregnancy. Every woman I know that does some type of work out regime while pregnant loses the weight faster and easier after giving birth and the birth and labor is easier.
      Also Never Ever no matter how mad you get at your s/o lie and tell them "thats why I'm screwing so and so, or your friend, or brother or cousin or anyone else." Now that type of thing can get you killed fo sho…..

        1. Dr. J I know some women who have foolishly said in the heat of a major argument "thats why I'm sleeping with another man or your brother or cousin." It was a lie, but this is as bad as kicking a man in the nuts…..from what I've been told. Those women almost got choked out for that ish.
          I never say mean or hurtful things in disagreements at all….best to stick with the facts and leave it at that.

    2. "I was with one guy and it was just like, "where do you think you're putting that?" She wasn't even talking to me, but I heard that like… yo you dead ass just made all these chicks think I was the second biggest dude you ever been with, what's up with that? "____Wait I have said this before. Now when I said it the convo was on the terms of can a p*nis be too big. And I was like heck yeah. Insert above sentence. But I was talking to a dude. Whats wrong with it??? I didn't understand your ending response. Personally I don't want a behemoth. Its not enjoyable to feel like you are being ripped into.

      1. If you was dating that dude, that was in poor taste to do it in his presence. He doesn't even need to know all that. If you were trying to pay him a compliment, don't compare to compliment in anything. Just talk about him. And the ending response, was meant to make people think before they laugh.

        1. So if he ask me have I ever had one I considered too big. I'm suppose to be like. No but maybe you will be the one to knock my socks off. <<—is that right? just trying to make sure I understand. Cause I was thinking he really wanted to know but now I'm thinking d*mn I completely missed on that one.

        2. My current girlfriend, as well as past girlfriends, have told me plenty of times before that I’m the biggest and best she’s ever had. Whether she was telling the truth or not, I don’t know. What I do know is that after the first time said statement was made, I named my penis Galactus The Ultimate Destroyher. And yes, you must say the whole name.

  11. For number 1 it's all in How you say what you say….not so much what you say.
    Dr. J if my man told me my boobs were getting big I would say it's because I'm on my period or it's coming or maybe I should take a pregnancy test….honestly it would never dawn on me that he was trying to nicely tell me I was getting fat….lol Many of the women I know would think the same thing if you told them that. One thing you could do is instead of telling show…..say to your s/o lets go running or jogging or work-out or whatever.. Now this has worked for me with my ex……plus the fact that his personal trainer took me to the side and said "I'm not being mean or in ya business but it's not a good look for your man to be working out and your not….if you want to keep him I suggest you hop on board with him." I actually appreciated his honesty and that definitely made me swing into action and go to the gym and walk with him quick and fast.
    Now all the rest of those are imo not so much being honest but being mean and/or being an azzhole. Those types of things are sometimes said in anger and in the heat of an argument. I agree that those things should never be said to your s/o if you really love and care about them like you say you do.
    I don't feel like you should always censor yourself to avoid pissing a person off and/or hurting their feelings. Even though nobody wants to hear negative things about themselves the point is we all Need to hear it sometimes…How can we improve ourselves and get better when we're clueless about what we're doing wrong because nobody has the balls to tell you…….?

    1. As a man who is a man and not an idiot. I wouldn't tell her about her boobs during her period because i've been having sex with women who had periods for a long time now. We know your boobs get bigger. 2, 99% of all the women I been with have been on birth control and I watched them taking it regularly and correctly for a long time before sleeping with them. There are idiots who don't know, I am not the one. So again, she wouldn't be taking a pregnancy test. But… that statement is like adderall, works slow but when it kicks in, it's the best ish ever made. She ain't going to think she's fat until the next time she is bra shopping. Which women do periodically… It ain't supposed to sit in right away, that's how you get smacked.

      1. ok….Now I get it Dr. J.
        Yeah you are a smart one……..many many men don't pay close attention to those types of things….
        Still I think with the weight issue the best thing to do is lead by example. Because some women if they don't think you have a problem with their weight then they will be slow to do anything about it.
        Also if your not working out regularly and eating healthy then she can throw at you "I don't see you working out and missing any meals." Even thought that's not the point people will use it everytime.
        So by you saying lets go running or walking or go to the gym with me or play tennis or racquetball with me or something like that it also prompts her to actually do something about her weight.
        Weight will always be an issue with most women where your damned if you do and damned if you don't. It is what it is.

      2. Your knowledge of bras, boobs, etc is lacking. The number and cup size go up and down independent of one another. You can gain weight and just gain cup size, lose weight and go down a number size and up a cup size. It’s highly, highly variable. I doubt your method has ever worked. I call shenanigans.

        1. Nah it ain't lacking. You just explaining some other circumstances. I'm telling you because this has worked in the past. Men have to be creative with telling their women about their weight. Is it your goal in life to tell every man that what he said was either wrong or not what he really means? I ain't never seen someone who so adamantly did this on a blog.

  12. I just wanna know who in all get out would actually say this mess to their Bf/gf/fiancé/wife/husband if they are NOT looking to break up? And, I wanna know who is going to be foolish enough to ask these kinda questions to begin with. That’s gotta be way past the point of insecure.
    (all except the weight issue, which I think should only be broached if it is a “problem” for the one mentioning. In that case, if it’s a problem, subject gotta be breached)
    The rest of that just gotta be written for the comedy affect, right?????

  13. Good post. I have had to learn many of these lessons the hard way cause I'm sorta (naw very) slick at the mouth. Blame that Chi-town upbringing. IJS.
    But I have a question on the size and best s#x thing. How many times does a dude need to hear he is the biggest or best? Cause I have been in a couple of relationship one where dude would keep insinuating or sometimes just plain asking was I the best at first it was cool but then after a while I felt like you there when we having all this crazy s#x. Our ioints be OFF THE CHAIN so why do I in addition to this have to continually say "you the best". Too me its ovbious. Proof is in the pudding. And then I had another dude that kept saying he was gone take growth pills. And I was like why?? You don't need it. At first I thought he was joking then I figured it was so he could see my reaction but if every time Im saying you are good then why you still talking about it??

  14. First of all- I laughed so hard. I love this post!

    1. My self critique is outta this world, lol. You aint gon have to ever tell me that.
    2. I know, she know, but also both know that my ___ is ____ than hers. (so many options, so little time, be creative)
    3. *ponders*
    4. I don't think this would bother me… I mean if I like you, I'm sure a lot of other women do too! Plus I get off on knowing someone else wants you… so… well, yeah.
    5. I seriously doubt it… but think about it… if you've had tighter, it probably means I've had bigger… #IJS
    6. I would never flat out say this to a decent person.
    My recent post Paradigm Shift: I Am Not Crazy

    1. Your response to #5!! *daps* I like that Chunk.

      Things that make you go hhmmmmm.

      lol

      But me personally I would never tell a man I've had bigger, but I'll tell my girls though.

  15. I use to have this slim and small formula that always worked. Get you a lil shorty bop that weigh about 115lbs.so when she get prego all that weight she put on gonna sit nice and right!

    Problem is as I get older them sexy ass 140-160 pounders be lookin mmm mmmm good..lol #theymessinupmymath!

  16. When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong:

    I was on the phone talking to my then-BF of about a year when he said something about us being a great match. Our kids would have such great hair, with the length and thickness of mine and the curly/wavy soft texture of his. My response was, "Are you out of your mind?! I'm not having your kids! I mean, you're cool and all, but I do NOT see this lasting beyond another couple of months. You are not who I want to be with for life."

    Sigh. As you all can imagine, this response did not go over well. Self-fulfilling prophecy, it definitely was.

    I also told this same guy, years later (because we remained acquaintances/distant friends somehow) that I'd had bigger and better, and that with him the reason for continued "activities" was comfort and familiarity more than anything else.

    Yes, I need to learn how NOT to answer certain question…

  17. rhenewal you were being honest and I think you should have been honest with him and let him know the deal. It would be a disservice to him to continue to waste his time when he's sitting there telling you about what your future kids would look like. I do think you could have been more tactful about how you said it. But I don't think your wrong at all for telling him the truth and being honest.

  18. I disagree… I think keeping it real is THE BEST way to have a relationship. My s/o and I have kept it real about previous sex, whats great, good, mediocre. Now he and I do things to each other we didnt get out of our last partners and really satisfy each other. I don’t let it hurt my feelings if he approaches his dislike tactfully, I listen and aim to please. I am an honest sometimes blunt person not to be mean but so he can know how I feel.

    If I had a friend trying to steal me I would keep that person at a distance if he didn’t respect my relationship. And its cool because I’ve had luck maintaining platonic friendships like this. And honestly I would feel miserable being with my s/o and he felt so drawn to another woman that he feels she is the right woman. I would break up with him so he could be happy and tho I love him madly I’d kno i should let him go so I can find the man that feels that way for me and appreciates my love. 🙂

  19. My guy completely missed me losing 15 pounds so I'm gonna go ahead and assume weight-gain would go by unnoticed. Besides, no one needs to tell me I'm gaining weight, I'll notice after 5 pounds and start doing something about it. Much easier to lose 5 than 10 or 20. However, we have both agreed that if it looks like one of us is getting superfat (we're talking 20+ pounds more than our current weight) we'll drag them to the gym or other appropriate sport activity. It's just that he's oblivious to my weight-gain (except boobies getting bigger, which isn't negative to him) and I don't really mind his belly getting a little bigger. It's when he gets too big to hug that I start having issues.

    Why would anyone say they think their spouse's friend is more beautiful? Why, if not to hurt?

    My personal opinion is that if you get offended because someone else thinks what you like is stupid, it's probably cause of your own insecurities about it. I've had that. But if it's something I actually think is really good I won't mind if you disagree. Like sports, I understand if you think biathlon is stupid. I don't mind you saying it. But if you tell me I'm stupid for listening to the Spice Girls, it might hit home. (Not that I do… anymore)

    My guy knows I have a good friend who (used to?) likes me, but I still think he's an awesome friend and spend vacations with him etc. We're cool. So why should he not be cool with it? I'd be cool with him hanging with a girl who likes him but who he isn't interested in. Maybe I'm weird.

    Tighter/bigger isn't a problem for us for undisclosed reasons. 😀

  20. This blog inspired me to give a video response. I think HONESTY is the best policy whether solicited or not. I'm really loose in the mouth when it comes to saying what is on my mind. I may not like what my significant other says (when he gives me his honest) but I respect it.
    My recent post Honesty vs. Lie

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