This is not what a committed relationship should feel like.
I’ve had a number of female friends over the years ask, How can I tell he loves me? I’ve answered this question a lot of different ways but when it boils down to it, the best way to tell if a man loves you is to STRESS. HIM. OUT.
I’m serious.
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Stress him out? That’s ridiculous!” That’s because you’ve been brainwashed. 1) A man has to care about you enough to even let you stress him out. 2) If a man really loves you, a little stress is not going to make him leave. An oft glossed over fact of life is that relationships take work. If a man is willing to work on your relationship, it’s because he cares. If he runs at the first sign of hardship he didn’t value you or the relationship very much.
You know the type of women that get caught up in years and years of pseudo-relationship with no commitment or direction? The laid-back woman. The woman that causes a man no stress what-so-ever is the type he keeps around but never commits to. Sure, they may never fight because what do they have to fight about? The relationship has no substance. She is perfectly content holding on to the hope of commitment instead of facing the reality that it may never come but she fo-damn-sho won’t “stress him out” by asking a simple, yet pertinent question, “where is this relationship going?”
Unfortunately, it is the women who follow the men’s plan – even if it is completely contradictory to their own – that end up frustrated and confused when he suddenly leaves because he was never emotionally vested in the relationship.
Just as women prefer alpha males, men like women with a backbone. If you let a man get away with all kinds of non-sense he shouldn’t get away with, consciously or subconsciously, he will lose respect for you. And no, I’m not saying (or excusing) he will treat you bad. He just has no incentive to treat you great, let alone put a ring on it. If his minimum has proven sufficient, why put in the excess effort of giving you his best?
Too often, my lady friends are willing to change their entire make up as a person simply to be with a man they like because she’s afraid if she’s herself that same man won’t like the “real her.” She’ll change employment, residence, personality, religion and the list goes on and on to make her fit the mold she thinks this man wants before she’ll do something as crazy as be herself. In reality, a man doesn’t want to fall for the woman you’re pretending to be – you won’t be able to keep that farce up anyway – he wants to fall in love with the woman you are. In other words, be yourself, so we can fall in love with you not your representative.
Assuming you have reasonable expectations, standards and goals, then voice them to us. Give us an opportunity to figure out if we can and will love the real you. Important to you, let us accurately assess if we can be the man you want and need. Don’t get me wrong, you should remain open to negotiation but you shouldn’t bite your tongue either. That comes off as weak. It also comes off as fake. Otherwise, we’ll both be unhappy when you “change.” But technically, you never changed. All you really did was become your self after the guarantee of commitment…well damn…it’s nice to finally meet you.
If you religiously watch VH1 reality shows, talk during Tyler Perry movies, drink 40 malt liquors, curse like a sailor and smoke cigarillos, then don’t go to the opera, keep your mouth closed during a Kevin Smith marathon, choke down wine and never curse simply because you’re hanging around us. Changing on your own accord is one thing, faking changing into someone you are not to obtain someone’s affections is misleading. If you have a tough question, ask it. If something’s bothering you, voice it. If in being yourself, you stress him out and he leaves. F-him! It’s his loss, not yours. He couldn’t accept the real you, which only means he doesn’t deserve any of you. Point. Blank. Period.
When a man doesn’t care about a future with a woman he retreats at the first sign of stress. You ask where this relationship is going? He disappears. You ask if he wants more than sex from you? He stops calling. You want to know why his ex-girlfriend keeps calling at 3am? He tells you you’re trippin to the point where you actually believe you are trippin. YOU ARE NOT TRIPPIN. These are perfectly reasonable questions that any logical person with half a brain should ask and should receive an honest response. Do not let some man tell you they are not. Reverse psychology is older than the words of the Bible. Don’t fall for it. Know your worth and expect, if not demand, he honor it. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
I’m not saying you should run into the next room and slap your man upside the head. I am saying you shouldn’t have act like someone completely different than who you are naturally in order to get a man to fall in love with you. Doesn’t that mean he isn’t really in love with you?
It’s possible he may leave you, but what have you really lost? A man that never respected you enough to commit or respect you as a person? That doesn’t seem like much of a loss to me. It seems like a gain. When a man loves a woman, he doesn’t abscond as soon as the relationship is tested. He looks at it as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. This is the man you should have in your life instead of settling for someone willing to remain simply because you never stress him out. After all, that might be the only reason he’s keeping you around.
Did you enjoy the perspective offered in this article? Check out our homepage for more candid content written by the SBM team.
Is it possible to +1 this entire post?
This is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Yes yes yes.
*starts slow clap*
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WTH… Are not chicks hardwired to do this anyway… sigh…
I would hope that my lady(ies) & side chicks take on my persona… Peace & harmony is part of my religion…
There has to be a better system for women to figure how their love interest feels about them….
idk man
*agreed*
Interesting.
When someone asks me how do I know when it's love, I usually say "when she can piss me off and rile me up, but I still stick around." It really is an indicator of where a man is mentally and sometimes emotionally.
And now I wonder how many men will be tested tomorrow.lol.
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lol@ "And now I wonder how many men will be tested tomorrow".
__You ain't lying!!
Real talk. Those men need to be tested. They're also wasting their time in these types of relationships.
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is there is any other ways
Well said! Usually I am one to frown upon advice for women in (or desiring) relationships, since we get so much of it from psuedo experts that try to teach women to do all the work and make all the changes for men in relationships. But this article invites women to be themselves and stand firm on our core values and beliefs. I will admit, however, that if we really keep it real with ourselves, we know long before the need to stress him out, whether or not a man loves us…
Amen! This is so on point! Thank you for this post, it solidifies how I have been feeling this past week! I feel all empowered and ish.
Great writing as ALWAYS wisdomismisery!
However, I don't know if what you're prescribing this time will work in every case.
"When a man doesn’t care about a future with a woman he retreats at the first sign of stress."
When I was single and ready to settle down, I looked for a woman who was loving, kind, and could bring some peace to my life. High-drama chicks got kicked to the curb.
By suggesting that they test some poor dude by creating stress in the relationship you may cause some of the ladies here to run off a decent marriage-minded brotha or two.
Hmm… Good point!
Ppl just need to be real w/ one another. Stop the games.
I understand what you are saying Sir, but I think WIM’s use of the word “STRESS” was tongue-in-cheek. Right WIM??
What I took from the post was it’s okay to stand your ground and help co-pilot your relationship — whichever kind of relationship you may currently be in, I don’t think WIM meant a woman should flip all the way the hell out cuz her man picked up one-ply toilet tissue instead of that 2-ply in hopes that he’l go back to store to exchange it just to Prove His Love to You.
What I BELIEVE what he was saying is that it’s okay to ask questions or even have some demands in regards to the love life you want — don’t let ole boy just have free reign so to speak, if something is bothering you and you feel that passionate about something SPEAK UP!! If he wants you he’ll be willing to work on making you happy, IF NOT……at least now you know.
Good Post!!!
That’s exactly what I was saying @ GirlSixx.
@LuvlyfeLuvWife: By suggesting that they test some poor dude by creating stress in the relationship you may cause some of the ladies here to run off a decent marriage-minded brotha or two. To clarify, I'm not saying women should purposefully "create stress." I'm saying they should not avoid stress by not being themselves because in the long run that will only hurt both parties in the relationship. If there's an issue, it should be discussed not ignored. If stress is incurred as a result, so be it.
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REALNESS dot org.
But the only thing I would add to this is that you have to be willing to put your money where your mouth is… aka enforce your boundaries and step when you know a guy isn't treating you right. I think that's the really hard part. If he cares about you and your complaints are reasonable, he should be willing to change. Or at least try. But if he's unwilling todo that and this behavior is par for the course in your relationship, you need to be able to cut your losses and KIM. Don't stay around trying to change him. It usually doesn't work.
Yeah you might end up being alone but your self-esteem will probably be higher… you'll have more positive energy surrounding you… and more space for the right guy to come into your life.
Okay I'm done.
Good post.
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excellent addition.
+1 @blackgirlmd. I will say, to be fair, it's not always about him (or her) being willing to change even if your complaint is reasonable. Some personality traits, etc are engrained. I believe a discussion may yield a better understanding for both parties even if there is no tangible change. For example, you may think he's being insensitive by doing X but he may not see it that way (especially if he's unaware it even bothers you – and please don't assume what bothers you bothers him). Given the chance to explain himself (or herself) they might in fact have a perfectly logical reason for doing whatever it is that bothers you. I say all this to say, the goal shouldn't always be to get the other person to change because that'll set your expectations up for failure. The goal should be to have a conversation and let the conversation dictate the outcome.
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Agreed!
My personality is NOT up for compromise. And some of my actions are a direct result of my personality. Either you can understand and deal, or you can't.
WIM: "the goal shouldn't always be to get the other person to change because that'll set your expectations up for failure."
cynicaloptmst81: "Either you can understand and deal, or you can't."
These points can't be stressed enough. No two people have everything in common. There's probably someone thinking right now, "I'm gonna stress this negro the next time I see him, and if he don't change, I'm out!" If you care about the person, then take these steps:
- Take an inventory if the issue you disagree on is major or not.
- If it is major, then determine if it is something you can compromise on.
- If it's non-negotiable, then determine if you can deal with the issue long-term.
- If you can't, then let your significant other know and ask him/her to change.
The goal is never to make people change who they are. You only request they change after those options are exhausted. If they can't, then you leave.
Yea you're definitely right! I totally agree.
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"Please don't assume what bothers you bothers him" <<< This.Right.Here.Though
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I agree! if he knows what you want and doesn't change then its time to walk. don't waste your time on someone who doesn't care about you. or who might not be a good match for you.
Speakonit.net!!!__I didn't read this as purposely 'stressing' the hell out of a kneegrows but if whatever level of stress a woman does bring is too much for him then maybe…
Truth.com
Great post WIM
Good post …These two quotes
"When a man loves a woman, he doesn’t abscond as soon as the relationship is tested. He looks at it as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. This is the man you should have in your life"
"men like women with a backbone"
Men will only do what you allow them to do in your life. Being overly passive will leave you with the short end of the stick.
I don't agree one bit! I've had healthy longterm relationships. I only date healthy kind men who treat me with respect. I don't have to treat them badly to know they adore me! That's right! I only date men who adore me, celebrate me and empower me! I do the same for them.
I would never date a guy who would treat me badly and for changing my personality? No way.
Women… I have a video coming out soon called, Be Adored! How to attract a man who adores you from your head ot your toes! Visit: createyourreality.info.
Lest we forget, love is kind all the time. Love empowers and celebrates all the time. Love brings out the best in you.
"I don't have to treat them badly to know they adore me!"
Two words for you: reading comprehension. Please endeavour to cultivate it.
lol! I feel like I hear you speaking everytime I read something you wrote. Oh and just so you know in my head you have an accent.
Haha. Dare I ask what kind of accent?
I have a friend from Kenya and she has this real proper way of speaking. Its something like that.
i don't think anything you said is in the post. lol.
i agree, i only date men who celebrate and adore and respect me as well. and that's great for the both of us. lol. that doesn't however, mean they won't ever get mad at you, or vice versa. i think the point of the article was saying that when those arguments and stress happen, if he goes into flight mode automatically… he didn't really celebrate or adore or respect you.
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He does not infer that women should intentionally treat men badly or vice versa. Simply that if a women is not receiving the treatment she desires i.e. respect, commitment OR she peeps behavior on his part that she has an issue with i.e. dishonesty, lack of commitment; then she should tell him.
Women who sit back silently and not call men on unbecoming behavior out of fear he’ll leave – become the passive chick. They suspect he’s cheating, but don’t say anything, cause she doesn’t want to ‘stress him out’……news flash miss passivity – He’s Already Gone. Reasonable intelligent questions from a women that a man sincerely cares about…is not stressful (well maybe momentarily).
When a women honest about what she desires, she positions herself to actually receive the respect – honesty- commitment (fill in the blank), from a man that she deserves. There’s nothing more attractive to a man than a women with a healthy dose of self esteem. So speak your peace ladies, with love & respect.
its not about treatin him badly. its about bein yourself and standing up for what u believe in. theres a difference.
Im sorry but I think you missed the point of this. Its called how to tell if he loves you. So if you are unsure stress him out. Only very insecure people try to mold themselves into something they are not which means they will never truly be happy with anyone. The message in this is love yourself and the right man will love you more.
Oh, I can't help it I have to say this, LOL!!!! This is the best and most real post since I been posting here… SUPER HUGE KUDOS Wisdom… SUPER HUGE!!!!
HI!
This is my first time commenting though I’ve been a fan of the blog (and you W.I.M.) for several months. I cosign this whoooooole well-written post-its hilarious how you WIM always manage to accurately make what seems logical to women sound utttterly illogical – “…Be yourself so we can fall in love with you not your representative.” What’s even better is that this is coming from a man, so its like getting a sneak peek at the other team’s playbook!
I am fan of not only telling a man what you want, but also walking away if you don’t get it-otherwise you’re just talking when you should be negotiating-either with the same team or a new prospect.
Great Post!
Thanks for the comment. Hope we see more.
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Awesome post wim!!
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cheers, applause and finger snaps!
WIM you know this post slices 2 ways….. Meaning there is something men can take away from this as well
Men: if your woman HARDLY ever checks you on utterly stupid/foul or disrespectful things that YOU KNOW you should’ve had your azz handed to you about…. Please take heed because 9 times outta 10 if she’s not beefing guess what — SHE DOESN’T REALLY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU and you should tread lightly and be very afraid.
I only fight with the people I Love and/or Care about. Trust me on that!!
What's interesting about this is, in my observation, if she's in her twenties, then 9 times outta 10 she doesn't give a damn about you. She's whatever about you. HOWEVER, if that chick is knocking on da big 3-0 or reached her Jesus years, and she's as cool as the other side of the pillow when a dude is outta line, cuidado and watch out. 9 times outta 10 she really is that chick that's tired of going through life alone and is willing to do whatever to land a life partner or have a baby. Sorry, but I've seen it a disturbing number of times over the last couple of years to not raise the point. Suddenly, the woman he's married to isn't the woman he married OR suddenly, wages are getting garnished to pay for little TeeTee. Just my thoughts.
AWESOME Post!!!!!
And I want to add…don't sell wolf tickets. If you say you are going to walk if "X" happens, you better really have your shoes on and be prepared to walk. If you mean anything to him, he will chase you down before you make it down the block and he will work on whatever it was that made you walk.
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Truth24/7.Org!!!
ooooh, thanks for the prompt!
*youtubes The Click "Hurricane"*
*commences head bobbing*
A Click reference?!? Now I'm feeling old!
Get thee to youtube, you will feel young four minutes at a time
(at least we're old together maaan)
"It’s possible he may leave you, but what have you really lost? A man that never respected you enough to commit or respect you as a person? That doesn’t seem like much of a loss to me. It seems like a gain."
Well said sir. I see so many people in relationships with people that don't truly respect them. Never worth it.
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Welp, absolutely nothing to add over here. Excellent advice. Preach on, brotha man.
I'ma nestle my comment right in chere. Cosign, I don't even know what to add. Sometimes we gotta take it back to the daggone basics…
This is a good read and the truth! Very Insightful!
Cosign 100%, assuming the term "stress" is rhetorical. A woman should let a man know what she wants. I supposed that could be synonymous with stress, but it would not be stress if what she wants and what he will give are in alignment. Even if what she wants isn't congruent to what he is willing to give, it could be an issue he's willing to compromise on. If not, then the two just aren't compatible and it's time to move on.
A woman can be laid-back, yet firm on the things she is not willing to compromise on. A woman should never hide who she is to get a commitment. That only leads to resentment and wasted time.
Co-sign Hugh. Actually, I think this could easily be the thesis for the post, A woman can be laid-back, yet firm on the things she is not willing to compromise on.
And before the finger pointing starts, yes I know the same can be said for men. Please bring more to the discussion than he said/she said. Much obliged. – WIM
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LOL, WIM! True story…went down just last night…
Me: (story about advice given to friend)…I mean, what did it for you? What did I do to make you want to commit?
Him: I don't think there's any one thing in particular that you did. Its about how I feel. All I know is that I've endured waaaaaay more in this relationship than I ever have…all because of how I feel. You can't help how you feel. You either feel something or you don't.
Mind you, I'm very easy-going. We don't always agree on things but we rarely argue. We're very loving to one another. But, for as rational, logical, and easy-going as I am, I am still a woman…an emotional creature, lol. So, along with the normal work that goes into growing a relationship (which can be stressful at times), those "girlie" moments will make the coolest brother wanna shake you really good, lol…or even bounce depending on how bad the moment got. But, if he gets through the moment…stays with you through the moment, best believe he stayed cause his heart wouldn't let him leave.
Great post!
if he loves you should you really have to question him about ex girlfriends and ask him where things are going. don't let him get away with shit? I don't have to train a man how to treat a woman or commit, that's something he knows. So instead of yelling and arguing and chasing after answers stressing my own self out (smh) I just either have fun while it last or let him go. A man that loves and wants you will show it to and commit to you. And I applaud that woman who has to chase down her man and yell at him about x-lovers but that's just not how I operate. He's not worth it.
I am that laid back gal and I only waste my time on arguments that are worth my time and energy. I also don't believe on playing games. The relationship will be tested eventually but I am not going to start stress just to see. I know he loves me by what he does for me, being their for me and he makes time for me. not a moment goes by where I need to question where he is or that he loves me
How to Know He Loves You:
He'll go to the store and re-up on them maxi pads wit no problem!
He loves ya kid(s) like its his own
If he can ACCEPT YOU AT YOUR WORSE
He references his future and includes you in it..(uses future-tense phrases: we, us, our)
He helps you take out ya weave..lol
He watches ya stupid shows without complaining (ie: love & hip hop/Basketball wives..lol)
HE ACTUALLY SAYS "I LOVE YOU" (some dudes express it but rarely say it)
He takes very good care of you when you're sick
He kisses you square in the mouf when you wake up!
You're very prego and hes overly excited! (me when i found out my Breezy was coming!)
he helps you take out ur weave LOL so true my man did that before.
That had to make the list..i once saw my pops helping my moms take her weave out and thought that's some real love shit right there..lol Some Mary and Meth on top of the roof shit
Yes, that's real love.
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"Some Mary and Meth on top of the roof sh*t…"
LMBO!
lol, I love when Mr. SD talks about his parents, lol #FoolsInLove
They Cliff and Clair all day..its hilarious
Yes, indeed. He basically loves you not your representative. A man who will help take out the weave is a keeper. LOL
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How to know She loves You:
She wont ask you to get those Maxi pads cause she knows you would if you had to but you'd hate it.
She watches your stupid shows (South Park, Jackass) with you just to keep you company.
Goes both ways, yes?
Hey, I'm a woman, and I'd rather watch SouthPark, Jackass, Family Guy than that other stuff. And I've met some guys who would rather watch those VH1 shows and Teen Mom… Don't assume all men/women are the same
A well written post that I can agree with. Kudos.
Love this post. If you can't be yourself with your man, then why be with him in the first place???
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Thought provoking post WIM. I hope your right…lol. I have to call nonsense out when needed. Somethings are better left alone, sure, however, if it's something that will cause a big rift, be prepared to discuss it.
I know there is a thin line between a discussion and nagging and sometimes it's hard to know where to draw the line on an important issue. I have been told by my husband that he appreciate me for this however sometimes, I see him second guessing it.
I care how he feels, but I also care about the state of our family. He knows that things being in order (as much as possible) is important to me. I think it takes hindsight for him sometimes to realize why I say certain things, but it's all in the name of LOVE for my family.
I try to remind him that everything I do, is for our family, including nag.
lol, the Woman's National Motto
"… everything I do, is for our family, including nag. "
*salute*
Wis is going to have every man catch the 21 questions treatment in the hopes of finding out if he really cares… lol
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*Throws the BS flag*
"Assuming you have reasonable expectations, standards and goals…"
That's a heck of an expectation. If reading these blogs has taught me anything, it's that I have NO IDEA what men are thinking and what they may or may not consider "reasonable". I don't know what men are thinking and I don't even know what a lot of other WOMEN are thinking.
I generally agree with this post, but I think ladies need to be forewarned that putting the real you on the table, of course, increases the chances for REJECTION. If your goal is long-term commitment, love and happiness, then it's worth it. If your goal is short-term companionship with a male specimen that's given you no real signs he's interested in the real you, beyond the warm gushy part, then this move might not pay off.
I made the move to be the real me and ALL THREE of the "friends" I was dealing with suddenly got very busy. But I then met a very nice guy who seems to be fine. He's even voiced he's interested in being more of a shoulder or an ear to me, which is surprising, given my experience with men when I let them see the "real me". But this never would've happened if I was still walking on eggshells with the other guys. It's definitely the way to go if you want real love or like.
"I generally agree with this post, but I think ladies need to be forewarned that putting the real you on the table, of course, increases the chances for REJECTION"
whats so wrong wit a lil rejection? men have been getting rejected since the 3rd grade
That's fantastic. Doesn't mean it's super awesome to experience. And it's one thing to get rejected in the beginning when you ask for a dance. It's another to get rejected in the middle, when you finally get the courage to ask for a RELATIONSHIP. But it's cool. I think it's worth it. Rip the band-aid off and KIM.
First, Co-sign Mr. SD's point above.
Second, I generally agree with this post, but I think ladies need to be forewarned that putting the real you on the table, of course, increases the chances for REJECTION. If your goal is long-term commitment, love and happiness, then it's worth it. If your goal is short-term companionship with a male specimen that's given you no real signs he's interested in the real you, beyond the warm gushy part, then this move might not pay off. This paragraph is true and should be taken under consideration. This post in particular is geared towards folks looking for more than a casual relationship.
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Love this.
i think this could go hand-in-hand with Slim's post about some women making it too easy for a man, but in the sense that, you can still be your mellow, breezy self while not being passive. i am not very confrontational or nit-picky, but if there is something bothering me that i feel strongly about, or a question i feel burning within (i am the QUEEN of questions lol) i will state it.
also, like girlsixx said above, if a woman does this, she doesn't care about you either, fellas. i have never ever been mad at a man i didn't care about being with. ever. annoyed, sure. but still not enough to endure an argument or discussion about it.
anyhoo, i don't think being a woman that causes drama and being a woman that has a backbone are the same at all, and i'm glad that this differentiates that. great post.
and, yeah… i've def experienced the epiphanous moment a man has when he realizes he just might love you because he's up at 3am talking about how you pissed him off and what "we" can do to remedy it. lol. win.
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anyhoo, i don't think being a woman that causes drama and being a woman that has a backbone are the same at all, and i'm glad that this differentiates that.
Thank you for noticing this.
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If a chick stresses me out, I will leave her. Some of the women I have loved very much have gotten left because they started stressing me out. I'm going to give you a very good example. Think about when women stress men over a ring. They get the ring, Chrissy-ass hoes. But in reality, then men don't want to marry them, they just doing it cause they have to.
Sorry WIM, but I respectfully disagree. Ladies, do not stress men out, they will leave you. Do not nag, do not stress, do not do that, it won't work out for you. This sounds logical, but then again, we need to keep it real. How many women here today in relationships are like, "That's right boo, I stress my man out." Nope, Krystl ain't even comment today cause she's reading this like, "Nah girl, don't do that… that ain't the type of love you want."
I with the good doctor on this one. Don't stress me out because i will leave! but Do engage and act like you wanna be apart of the relationship.
Krystl ain't even comment today cause she's reading this like, "Nah girl, don't do that… that ain't the type of love you want."
true, she is MIA on the lo lo
Stress can be positive or negative. It all feels uncomfortable…like pressure. But, positive stress pushes you to a better place and negative stress is draining on all levels. If negative stress is consuming your relationship, you should def bounce. If the stress is uncomfortable yet positive, meaningful, or worth the reward at the end, ride it out till it subsides.
I think you just made that up. Give me an example of positive stress. That's something you just made that up.
I'm not THAT good, Dr. J, lol. I'm sure this "theory" is google-able.
Positive or temporary stress…
Exam time…project at work…
In regards to relationships, temporary problems…stuff you can work through…stuff you may need to work out together or in your own self for your own good first then the relationship.
So you saying to create temporary problems so that he can work through them? That doesn't make any damn sense. Stop it. Ain't no positive stress. Constructive criticism. Motivation. But not stress.
Who said anything about creating anything?? Other than you…that's what YOU said. Stuff or stress just comes. And you need to determine whether or not that "stuff" is worth dealing with to push the relationship forward (which would be a positive thing) or its not…its just pointless in the long run and draining (which would be a negative thing).
Again…this is not something I pulled out of thin air. You don't rock wit it, that's cool, lol…
There is indeed a such thing as "positive" stress. Things such as getting married, buying a home, or hitting the lottery. There is stress associated with these events but the outcome is positive or of great benefit.
You weren't totally misunderstood, I felt where you were coming from lol
I hollered at "I think you just made that up" LMAO!!!!!
I do think WIM didn't mean stress like we usually interpret it, as he stated upthread.
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You're gonna stop messing with the ladies Dr. J – I can give you an example of "positive stress" – you have a project coming up at work that will elevate your status if done well. Getting ready for the presentation to hundreds of folks? Stressful. The resulting accolades/promotion? Positive. Everything I do that is really worthwhile involves some level of stress, but the stress (and nerves) is what propels me to a better end result. Another example: countdown to birth of two kids. Mega stressful. End result? Totally awesome.
Lol actual there is such a thing as positive stress. Ever heard of eustress vs. distress? google it.
Eustress is good stress, like stress you put on your body by running or getting fit, or on your kids to get their homework done, or on your man to and an honest lady out of you when y’all have been dating for over 1.5 yrs. These things make you better, more fit, smarter, etc.
Distress is bad stress, like a boss riding you at work, an abusive husband, things like. These things bring you down, make you gain weight, make your hair fall out, etc.
Anyway point is, all stress isn’t bad stress, and that goes across the board… You see the same concept in physics, biology, psychology, and as WIM so aptly taught us today, in relationships as well.
And for you, I think you just haven’t met a women that you’re willing to undergo stress for. I’m like that too, but I’m pretty self aware. If a dude starts getting on my nerves, I’m like… “he is not even cute enough for all that. Delete delete delete!”
But let it be somebody I like. I struggle to give those walking papers lol
"stress your man" is not eustress, it is intentional distress
WIM is NOT suggesting that anyone goes and intentionally stresses out their s/o.
Like…"Thanks for the tip, WIM! Now, Imma go home and work his nerves to see whether he'll bounce or stay…" The title may be a bit misleading but the content is clear…to me, at least.
HOWEVER, bringing up a touchy subject…whether its the male or female…that needs to be addressed WILL create some degree of stress for both parties. And, in this case, WIM is explaining what the males response may say about his feelings for her. And alls I'm saying is, in this case, the male must weigh whether this stress will ultimately be positive (the work it'll take to improve the relationship) or negative (the issue cannot be resolved which means unending headache, whining, etc. sapping all the joy from the relationship).
Stress is never positive. There's a difference between being challenged/pushed to greater heights and stressing, kinda like the difference between the effects of exercising and being stressed out on the human heart. Both have an effect, but exercising makes the heart better and more efficient, whereas stress simply makes the heart work harder, but sets it up for disease instead.
"Stress is never positive."
That is a matter of personal opinion. As far as science is concerned and the other ladies have pointed out, stress can be either positive or negative. It is merely "the body's nonspecific response to a demand placed on it," which means that your body reacts in some way to some demand placed on you. Whether it is negative or positive is largely a matter of how you deal with it and the outcome. It is not in and of itself negative; we simply have the tendency to focus on its negative aspects.
Naija, the way I interpreted what he said, stress in that sense is never positive. I can deal with being challenged to grow, that should never be a problem. But working my nerves just to see how much I love you is plain dysfunctional.
When I read the post I was thinking stressing about rings, nagging, etc. I was thinking about the natural conflict that arises between two folks that grew up in separate households and have different lives up to the point.
I just can't see a meaningful relationship that does not involve stress at some point. The highs and lows of a relationship that you're invested in are what makes it real.
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There is stress in any relationship, but you can't intentionally stress a man out. You can't test a relationship. That's not the way to go about anything.
Dr. J…I can not WAIT to you are married.
But let me also add that I do NOT advocate a woman intentionally stressing a man out. That is like throwing your good mood off the bridge…not worth it. In the end the woman will be the one frustrated and it may open up a can of unnecessary worms.
Thing is…neither does WIM's post.
Or did I read something wrong? *shrugs*
You read right.
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*until
Don't worry, I can.
Don't worry, I can.
shareefjackson: I just can't see a meaningful relationship that does not involve stress at some point. The highs and lows of a relationship that you're invested in are what makes it real.
Co-sign.
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We don't have to agree. Though I admit I'm somewhat disappointed since it seems you focused more on the title than the content (and you are not alone). I actually don't mind my woman "stressing" me about issues that are important to her, because those are issues that need to be addressed. Id rather that than she hold them in until she blows up one day and I end up on an episode of Snapped. If I cant relieve her stress, then I want to know it and she needs to know it so she can find a man that can – even if that man isnt me. I'm humble enough to accep that reality. (1/2)
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Naw I read the post several times before commenting. I just don't agree with that line of thinking at all. In the second to last paragraph you dropped landing gear but the whole premise of the post was stress initiated by the woman. And what i'm saying is to the women, do not do that, that ain't going to work for you. Even with her feelings and problems, women need to do that like speaker points. Don't say everything that's on your mind, budget your issues out. If everytime you got an issue, you say, "when I have a problem, I like to speak up about it right away" that's an intentional decision to stress your man out. Don't do that. Speakers points… pick and choose your battles or he'll leave.
Cool story bro. I guess we disagree.
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I just don't see where you're getting the "intentionally" part.
Telling women to not say everything that's on their mind sounds like good advice and it works in short term relationships or in relationships that don't have the expectation of lasting forever. If you're in a relationship you're hoping lasts till one of you dies, you need to say what's on your mind, when it's on your mind. Early on in a relationship it's important to say what's on your mind because that's how you find out who each other really are, what makes you tick what your real expectations of a long term mate are really like. Once you're deeply entrenched in the relationship, sharing what you really feel, when you feel it is helpful because the most difficult problems to solve in a relationship are the ones that have been building and festering over time. In my house, we share even the smallest of issues, from where she puts her shoes when she takes them off to whether I use a sponge or a brush-tool to wash the dishes.
Gotta agree with WIS here. If a man and woman can put up with the natural stress that comes with building a relationship, there's a good chance that relationship will last.
Nah you said in another post that sometimes when the Mrs. gets upset about something you tell her to sit on it and then ask her a few days later to see if she still upset about it. That's an example of how you don't stress a man out, you sit on sh*t and sometimes turns out it ain't all that important.
You ain't got to lie, Craig.
You can't find me ever telling the Mrs. to ever sit on anything for "a few days." A few hours maybe, never a few days. And that's only when there's uncontrolled anger involved.
Tell two people the same story at the same time, and chances are, each of them will take from it something different.
That being said… at no time while reading this post, did I think WIM was encouraging women to bring drama to the table. What I read was him saying to "keep it 100 at all times."
Furthermore, I'd have to disagree with your train of thought here. If I am with someone, I shouldn't have to bite my tongue at any time if I feel some kind of way about anything. PERIOD. Besides, if you're being yourself at all times, (like WIM is advocating in his post), your significant other will know how you work ( "she rants randomly" or " if he's saying something about it, it must really bother him" etc..). I understand the concept of timing, as far as picking and choosing when to say what. However, if I have something to say, I should be able to express myself. Everyone knows that one of the building blocks to any healthy relationship is communication. If I can't "speak up" about my issues (big or small) with my man, he doesn't have to worry about leaving, I'll be the one to go.
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Does this only extend to your girl, or do other people get the same treatment? Do your friends get kicked to the curb if they stress you? Do you estrange yourself from your family if they stress you? Do you quit stressful jobs? It just doesn't seem possible to free yourself from all stress while still having any kind of relationships with ANYONE. But that's just me. I don't have the expectation of a stress-less life.
I do agree with this.. I think speaking up on everything right away is a great way to get someone not wanting to come home to you cause what the hell you got to argue about now… I think we have to learn to decide what we need to bring to the table in other to have a healthy relationship and not what we want to say just cause your nerves get worked… No point in you working my nerves too just because… Sometimes you just have to take a step back and see if it's really important in a day or two… lots of times by the end of that second day… you straight.
I think you are taking the use of the term "stress" literally. I think that he is saying a man loves a woman if he is stays for better or worse. I would never intentionally stress a man out. However, stress is something that is inevitable in a relationship and if a man or woman bails.. it is a great indication that they do not love you.
Sidenote: I rarely comment on SBM but this post was amazing. Scorpio love!
Dr.J: "the whole premise of the post was stress initiated by the woman"
I suppose if that's what you took away from the post, I agree with this statement. I don't think too many people disagree with what you said. WIM is using the term "stress" more as a rhetorical tactic to bring attention to the post. I read the title and thought WTH myself until I read the post. Perhaps a more accurate title for the post would be "Speak Up If You're Not Getting What You Want."
I agree that women shouldn't nag about every little thing that bothers them, that's just annoying. But if a woman change(s) employment, residence, personality, religion and the list goes on and on to make her fit the mold she thinks this man wants, you'll have a very unhappy woman on your hands, and likely when the inevitable breakup happens, it will be bitter instead of just a mutual understanding you weren't compatible. Stating the basic requirements that you're looking for in a mate is not stressing.
+1
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You're right, I would not advise a woman to go and intentionally create stress for her man. I don't think any good can come from that. I do think it is important to be herself though and I would tell her to address pertinent issues when they arise, otherwise, she's just stressing herself out trying to maintain some facade. But being yourself and bringing up important issues don't have to be stressful events IMHO.
I see where you're coming from, Dr J. There were a couple of places within the post that made me raise my right eyebrow.
The idea of creating stress in order to test a relationship doesn't sit well with me. It kind of seems like WIM is encouraging women to become drama queens (crazyosychob*tch as one of my cousin's calls it) in order to focus and keep a man's attention, as well as prove his affection. I am unable to co-sign that. Especially because for some of us "laid-back" women who enjoy a peaceful and amicable relationship that very move would make us untrue to ourselves.
HOWEVER, I did re-skim the post (I originally read it in its entirety) and have come to the conclusion that the MAJOR point being made is to pursue what you truly want out of the relationship. To make needs and wants known, and be ready to move on if the dude is not on the same page as the woman is. That aspect of the post I agree with. To maintain the status quo in a relationship when you desire something more/different is an exercise in futility, and will eventually end in someone being hurt. Or in an episode of Snapped as WIM said
A wise man once told me a relationship is like karate class.
Basically the student (woman) goes up to the sensei (man) and says, "Master I want to learn karate!" And the sensei decides to teach the student if the student has some of the values that he appreciates (she got a bad ass body, she's smart, she's give good dome etc) . If the sensei is legit, when the student tries to attack or challenge him, he will flip the student over and make a fool out of the student (Challenge his confidence). The student will then get up after being flipped over and be like "Damn, Master got skills" ( skills = swag, charm, intelligence, confidence etc) As time progresses the student becomes more mature and the master has to use more of his experience to combat his student. After the student reaches a high enough level, the master decides to give a new belt (commitment, gifts, trips, introduction to family, marriage etc) And it consistently goes that way until the master is too old or too tired to combat or the student loses interest and wants to go learn at a more prestigious dojo (finds a new, more challenging man that she's attracted to), or wants to start his own (start dealing with weak guys who she can turn from Steve Urkel to Stephan)
If the sensei is illegitimate (he's phony) and his student realizes very early on that he can hurt his master when he attacks (he's weak), the master is going to have to handle out more belts in less time (be a pushover, a trick, a simp) in order for that student to stay around. However, the student will have short-lived respect for the master, and before you know it, he will begin to wonder why he doesn't own the dojo (why doesn't she wear the pants in the relationship, or she can do much better than this) at which point he might either leave or stay, because the master will beg the student to stay – he doesn't believe he can find a replacement (another woman). Although this student might reach black belt status faster than his peers, and that might get to his head, in reality he will be far inferior to the students who train at the legit sensei's dojo, and once he leaves the dojo, and has to compete against other students (other women), he will be faced with the reality that he wasted his whole time controlling his weak master.
I CAUGHT THE HOLY GHOST HALF WAY THROUGH THIS POST.
make it plain, sir. great post. #preach
This post is gold. I’m gonna read it three times just to remind myself.
*rubs eyes vigorously*
Say word. Them Mayan peeps were right about 2012, y'all.
Excellent, excellent post!!!
" Otherwise, we’ll both be unhappy when you “change.” But technically, you never changed. All you really did was become your self after the guarantee of commitment…well damn…it’s nice to finally meet you."
That right there spoke volumes to me. I have always felt that "well I can't be myself" sort of mentality. Which as an adult really doesn't make sense but it has been a consequence of being dfft or not fitting the typical "black" mold. Whatever that may be. Anywho I grew up repressing so many unique things about myself to prevent being judged by my ppl and it wasn't until I got out of my home town went to college that I was able to start expressing myself freely. I know for me I rarely feel that I can be "myself" when I date black men I usually test a few things like playing some avril lavigne to see what sort of reaction I get but its usually negative. I am dating a french guy now and this honestly is the most comfortable I have ever been. I feel like he just accepts me for me. I can listen to avril lavigne then gucci without scorn. Its so freeing.
For the record avril lavigne >>>
Although I'm more a fan of her earlier content, circa I'm With You. I actually still jam that song from time to time. I can relate to your overall comment because I'm pretty much the same way with music – as I assume you were merely using as an example – being an indicator of how different I am from the typical "mold." For example, I'm far more likely to bump the new Snow Patrol (In The End – great song by the way) than I am….well, anything else. And if it wasnt for Twitter, I wouldnt even know who J. Cole is…etc etc However, I am who I am regardless of who I'm dating and while I hope they like the real me if I'm interested. At the same time, if they dont, they can kick rocks.
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I agree. But it took me a long long time to get to that point. And even now when I go home I tone myself down cause I get tired of the same old questions about how much I have changed when in all reality they just never really knew me they knew the me I showed them. Nor am I condoning my behavior but I wasn't very strong in my character as you seem to be. A flaw I admit to having.
I’m not replying to all y’all comments but the post said, “Stress him out.” The verb was stress, the subject was him. It was not a noun as in the stress that one goes through, it was a command. It said stress him out.
But moreover than that, if you want to say, “You have to go through tough times to be able to enjoy the good times” then you got to say that, point blank period. This whole post is the exact same sh*t we argue about all the time. One day it’s “you said that but this is what you meant” and you’re mad. The next is, “I said that but I ain’t really mean that”.
Then we tell women, don’t stress us out, then you tell them, stress me out. What in the hell… How is a single woman supposed to pick a man out this bunch?
Oh she just supposed to know what you meant. Remember that the next time you answer her literally and she tells you what you really meant. Remember that.
PS – This ain’t to just WiM either, this is to all the dudes who defending this.
You know you love language games right? This is clearly a case of intentional mis-interpretation for the sake of being contrary as hell. If there's something that's stressing me out (where are we in a relationship) but I don't say anything to the man I'm with because I fear that it would stress him out…then the best advice would be to share honestly and "stress" him out. Based on your comments, it sounds like your advice is for women to not say anything "stressful" to a man, or the punishment is that he'll leave her. In which case: sayonara, bamma!
This conversation is over.
I'm picturing you gathering your toys, crossing your arms real tight and going to the other side of the room right now.
____________________!!!!
That made me think of Kevin Hart packing a suitcase with one toy and running away from home.
LMAO!
k.
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Stop.. Grammar Time! In "Stress him out." the subject is the understood "you" and "him" is the direct object. But I feel you on the literal tip of the words vs the sentiment behind them.
gonna have to agree w/ you on this one Dr. J…i understand that no 2 people feel the same way about everything, think the same way about everything, so if 2 people are in a relationship, problems, situations will occur naturually, and the guy's reaction to those situations/problems will define his level of interest in something deeper..
but this…just sounds like … be aggie for the sake of bein' aggie (when keeping it too real goes wrong)..
i guess i see it 'wrong' as well. i'm personally not a stress person, the minimum amount of stress the better.
This post is love! I don't see it as "Go home and stress your man out" it's more of a "be yourself, it'll work out better." I like the confirmation to continue to be my crazy self. I try to scale back on the craziness in the beginning but it always seeps out and that's a good thing; dude knows exactly what he's getting into
don't go home and "stress your man out" intentionally…but definitely "be yourself"
I am sure this could work for the minority of chicks who are super laid back, but are in limbo in their relationship… & they need to take a temperature… But for the majority of relationships, women do this early & often…
I'm good… There has to be a more efficient way
when shouldn't a woman be herself? I like to know what I'm getting from the beginning…no fluff, no filler
"my guess is Krystl isnt commenting because she's busy keeping her man happy – by stressing him when necessary and letting him be when not."
Thank ya kindly! Very nice comment especially after the other day.
"Online psuedo-girlfriend" though?
krystllyght: Very nice comment especially after the other day.
What did I say the other day? …in sticking with the post, feel free to "stress me out" by telling me what you're talking about. lol Since I have no idea.
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Nah it was something I said on your personal blog. You didn't say anything bad to me. lol
Thanks Karmen for emailing me this link. I find it useful getting a males perspective on a well talked about view among woman! just goes to show Real Men arent to far off from the way we think
As much as I WANT to agree with the whole post, I have to ask: "What if he asserts HIS boundaries when you choose to INTENTIONALLY see whether he stays or goes?" I mean, seriously, you should stand your ground and be who you truly are…but if he stands his ground and is who he truly is as well you may find yourself in a confrontation (not physical of course, that is completely unacceptable on both parts).
At this point you must ask yourself: "How committed are YOU really?"
I suppose at that point is where WIM is saying you'll find out if the relationship is going to work or not. If he loves you, and you love him, both sets of boundaries are pushed but both of you are willing to work it out as opposed to walking away because lines have been crossed.
I don't know…. I agree with the IDEA of this post (State your feelings, intentions, direction and if he's headed in the same direction as you are, it'll work out. If not, y'all are done.) The word "stress", while probably chosen to pull attention to the post, is just a sticking point for a few of us.
Some of ya'll believe that you should really go home and start some isht on purpose…
…No one deserves that, man nor woman
That's def going down today, WIM set off a bunch of beef..lol
I've been reading this blog and others around dating n shit, and I think there may be (generally) two schools of thought when it comes to relationships. Some of y'all treat relationships like a science, and some of y'all (myself included) treat it as more of an art. I think this is where a lot of disagreements on this subject are rooted.
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Stress tests the relationship. BUT don't inject stress for the purpose of testing. In this point in my life, I don't want to feel like someone is testing me and trying to push my buttons. That ish is obvious and annoying. You the last thing you want to do is be seen as "annoying" by your potential future bf.
To be fair to WIM, let me restate what I believe is the point of this post: His reaction to stressors relative to you two's relation is proportional to what he's willing to endure with you. He's not saying test him by doing things that you know stresses him out. If you know trust is a sensitive issue, don't repeatedly bring it up for the purpose of seeing if he'll endure your nagging.
I don't agree that inquiring about the status of relations will cause stress and his response is based on what he feels for you. nawl… Those questions won't cause a shred of stress if isn't against the concept even if the answer is "no" at that moment. Why would I get stressed out when she asked if I want to make it official? It'll stress me out only if I'm not like minded. So I say that, a simple question shouldn't stress dude out. A whole conversation that requires him to explain himself could. but a question or two? nawl.
"Where is this going?" and the variations are poorly worded questions which I guess could cause (negative?) stress to someone. Don't ask that question. Make a statement. Asking that question sounds like his answer defines it everything. Frankly, my answer is always: "I don't know. We haven't discussed it yet." It's a joint decision but you want to gauge his intent right? So make a statement of what you think it should be. Shoot, even make the argument that it's already that and he's being a title wimp if you have to. If homie disagrees, then roll bounce…
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I see what you did with the stress test reference.lol. Or maybe I'm just being overly technical.
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MeteorMan: "Stress tests the relationship. BUT don't inject stress for the purpose of testing."
There is is.
"You know the type of women that get caught up in years and years of pseudo-relationship with no commitment or direction? The laid-back woman. The woman that causes a man no stress what-so-ever is the type he keeps around but never commits to."
^^ That's my sticking point with this post, WIM. I don't believe that because I'm "laid-back" and enjoy a peaceful home life, I'm necessarily going to spend years in a directionless pseudo-relationship. Being laid-back does not mean accepting crumbs from a man. Your word choices in this post leave too much room for interpretation, IMHO. In becoming not laid-back, in randomly challenging the state of my relationship simply to test a dude's level of commitment to me/our relationship makes no sense to me. If there is a problem, if I have a question, if I'm uncertain we're headed in the same direction, or if I want to change directions and haven't ever discussed with dude where that destination IS, then I see your point.
"Don't ignore an issue because you don't want to create stress" would probably be a more accurate representation of what you're advocating, I think. I recognize, however, that it wouldn't have gotten my attention nearly as quickly as the title and opening paragraph that you chose did.
"Unfortunately, it is the women who follow the men’s plan – even if it is completely contradictory to their own – that end up frustrated and confused when he suddenly leaves because he was never emotionally vested in the relationship."
^^ And that is sort of true. Assuming that the "men's plan" is somehow not the same as the women's, then yes, there is a problem there.
Sorry if this was a confusing comment. I find that the post was overall good: thought-provoking, good premise… Your brain and mine are just not on the same page as to the meaning of "stress".
Its really simple…
Humans bring crap to relationships. We can't help that we're flawed and all so yeah, its intentional. But, not in a "and what?!" "just to ruin your life" kinda way. Its in a "no one's perfect" kinda way. If dude sticks it out with you…working through your share of the crap, his crap, and y'alls crap, he's doing it cause he loves you. And, vice versa.
"Once you're deeply entrenched in the relationship, sharing what you really feel, when you feel it is helpful because the most difficult problems to solve in a relationship are the ones that have been building and festering over time. " Most
I'm learning this in my current relationship. Letting things slide and allowing her to continue to do those things (whether they're big or small) builds up my own resentment and frustration. And when she finally does something that's the straw on the camel's back, our argument goes to a place that was completely avoidable. So confronting things when they happen, the 1st time they happen is 1 of the commitments I've made for this relationship
I understood WIS euphemism and I do agree w/ it on a few levels. In a committed relationship, you have to know that you're capable of handling the natural stresses of life. It doesn't have to be something between the 2 of you; it could be a death in the family or 1 of you being fired or a bad hair day because shorty's stylist in on vacation. There's enough independent stressors to occur that nobody needs to create stress to "test" the longevity of the relationship. At the end of day, when it comes to a long term partner, I want 1 that'll bend, not break
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Nothing but some truth. Keep in mind when angry lot of actual emotions are revealed. Any will tell you they’re love for you if you can break it down. We all enjoy a stress free relationship but when it comes down to it. The problems help see where the relationship is going overall at times.
Great post Wis and a great lesson and moral in it. I hope the ladies "got it."
I've been there and done that. Been that girl that tried to be more of what a man wanted and needed me to be. Then said F this. I'm gonna be me…..love me or leave me alone, take it or leave it.
It's always astounded me though how the very people I can be hard on and boldly and brutally honest with seem to love me to death. I can tell them the straight up ugly truth about themselves and tell them stuff they don't like and don't want to hear and they will still like me. After this post I see why this is the case.
One thing about me though is I'm not a woman that stresses a man out. I have tried to help my ex's be the best men they can be and be more successful and push them to be better. However I don't keep pushing. If I make suggestions to a person and they say ok that sounds good, I'll do that and then don't follow through or if they don't take my advice I say F it….it's your life, your grown and that's on you.
I don't become like a mom and nag or continuously tell folks about themselves. I speak my peace once or twice and let it go. I don't like drama and I don't nag because I don't like to be nagged. So I consider myself an easy person to get along with. I don't trip about the small stuff and I allow folks the freedom to be who they are and I take them or leave them and expect the same thing in return.
I don't change anything about myself to be with or please a man………however at the same time I don't constantly nag him to conform to my ways either. I accept people as they are. Maybe that's part of my problem with men. Makes no sense to me though. Why would you as a man wanna deal with someone your constantly complaining about who makes you feel like your her son and wants to control you and mold you into the man she wants you to be, instead of letting you be who you are? What could you possibly love and like about someone like that? I never did (and still don't) understand why men stay with the very women they complain about the most and around other people make her seem like a nag, a bitch, and cause people to ask the question "if she is this bad why the hell are you still with her?"
I was watching Bobby Womack on Unsung last weekend and yesterday. He was saying he wrote the song "That's The Way I Feel About You" about a skycap he met and his story about his problems with his woman.
After the man complained to him about the woman Bobby Womack said to him "Man why you don't leave that bit**" He replied, "Bobby she ain't no bit** man that's my woman and I love her man."
Maybe it's like brothers and sisters and best friends who constantly fight and argue with each other, but will never allow other people to talk about their siblings and friends and will fight somebody else for saying the same bad things they say about their siblings and/or friends and will always defend them.
Either way, it's still an azz backwards way of thinking…….but it is what it is.
I have read a lot of SBM's post! This is by far the most helpful. Good job on this one :
My philosophy: If he's not all in, …it's not him. (Shrugs)
I quite agree with wat is been said here i think its a great step to any relationship we should be able to pick something from this that will surely help us build our relationships thanks a lot for this wonderful insight
How about you reverse the roles….would woman put up with this crap….what about what i want…i don’t want stress i dont want test..i tell women that up from the start..if you need to be testing my love than you don’t trust me and if you don’t trust me then im sorry your wasting my time.All this post is telling women is the be them self but telling them if the men don’t conform to what they want he does not love them..like i said reverse the roles.
It depends on the scenario that stressing him out is a really good way of seeing if he cares. Certainly being assertive and able to communicate open and freely is good if you make time for this. Of course if he loves being with you and knows you he will see general stress being unloaded, that he just happens to get in the way, is just that, as long as you don’t get personal or nasty.
However creating stress by challenging our insecurities with him that we do not feel we are being treated good enough but want to will usually not go down well. It is too easy for a man to think you are implying he is not good enough in which he will not want to stick around- what would be the point? Of course unless you still like sex? Men want to be wanted if you act like you don’t want them they will think just that and disappear unless they can see it really was just a bad day and this doesn’t happen too often. Men are actually quite simple but sensitive and understanding creatures but not mind readers. So where does it go wrong?
Not to say you shouldn’t have high hopes but life is often about being realistic. It can back fire if you have high hopes – and drive ahead for them. The problem is here; two questions; Can you accept this? What happens if you fail? How do you maintain your standards? How do you ever make a relationship work then? What if you end up alone? These are probably all the things running through your head which should be replaced with ‘You can accept anything with happiness and grace’, ‘you might fail- you learn and everything happens for a reason’, ‘ maintain your standards- you are worth more than you know- i am telling you x’ ‘ you have to be sure to set the tone of the perfect relationship, accept no less or realise like men- anything that doesn’t develop is just the inbetween stage before you find the one you love- don’t ever let a man know this- he needs to feel special because ideally really we should wait until the one – not seeing anyone else if you can ideally’ ‘your not scared of being alone (have you tried it- enjoying yourself without a man??!- if not you must try it- it boosts your confidence and belief in you!)
The ultimate test is knowing when he walks away when you didn’t think he would knowing in yourself you can cope with that?
The irony is ladies we know this and are probably planning again right now to think ahead. Don’t worry most women are programmed to think like this. This usually results in taking the lead pushing them away (incase they do drop us) thinking this is ‘being strong’, the way to avoid heartbreak. We fool ourselves into thinking we can cope with being rejected because we will protect ourselves and dump them first or we will somehow find a way using scare tactics , ultimatums, pretend we don’t care anyway. Then later question what we were doing because we wanted a relationship? Just didn’t want rejection. Ever done this? … Well unfortunately to 2 come together you have to be prepared to lose and be a good loser to win. How do we win then?
The truth is this – no-one likes being rejected. If we could learn to care about the feelings of the other person and think how they will feel. If we love them we will want to protect them we will love them in this moment. This is what men mean by strength – It would be so easy if men could understand why we push them away but in all honesty they don’t want to be pushed away because your insecure they want to see you are truely secure and don’t want to hear the reason they aren’t good enough. They need to work this out by you going about it the nice way- just say nothing and continue with your life as happy as you were before. Simply if he notices a change he will be hot on doing what he can to see such a beautiful lady again. (If you can’t do it – don’t let him see you). They have to sort it out so don’t get stressed its not your problem anymore.
Men want a lady who is in control of her emotions and life. You control how you deal with your choices and feelings to best effect- not him. You must learn to love yourself enough like you would him that when he shows his insecurities you still have the strength to act like the perfect lady. The perfect lady is being truthful, loving, caring, understanding and kind. Its these moments that test a lady. The sooner we admit this to ourselves and realise we have more control over our own emotional state than we think and a man should never control this we become strong and powerful. This is much stronger than false pretence, words and actions trying to cover our true feelings or hope of becoming better. I have this advice -simply be better.
If we don’t push him away, just embrace him, accept him by not becoming too attached to soon it leaves room space for him to be in control. You want to see his true nature so appreciate him for whatever he is; good and bad. Its the hardest thing you can ever do but only then will you truely be in control and be accepted on his terms. Only then can you both truely love. If its true love you will only want to improve yourselves for each other at your own pace and not each other ok.
my name is Nure Mark from Philippines? I want to thank the great doctor Dr Mon Day for the help he have helped me for heping me to get back my husband back…I never believe that he could so be true because I thought it was a joke but now I know how powerful called Dr Mon Day his…He helped me to bring back my husband within 24hours my husband Mr Arlene Jayne who left me for another old woman started begging me to forgive him after the Dr Mon Day have helped me to caste the spell.if you have any problem make sure you contact him he can help you.email him through his email address [email protected].
I must say ! I am dating a man who left me a few times because apparently he had no backbone for the heat…. If someone doesnt like me… away with them… I know how to love someone unconditionally. If a man cannot give me the same then they are not worth it. I have waited for a man who has promised to marry me for a year and a half… I love him very much but he has dragged his feet…. He has not ran from me recently and did all to win my heart back… I am getting to a place where I feel like he is truly just playing games. he lives here and Im not certain its a good idea anymore… Im actually to the point of disgust. Im more disgusted with myself because I feel Im settling for less that I am worth…. Im not a game or a chess piece.. If this guy doesnt come through in 2 weeks Im going to walk…… and NOT LOOK BACK
I was living with my husband for 5 years and everything was moving so fine. until one morning a call came in and when i picked the call, a ladies spoke to me saying he wants to speak with my husband and when i asked who she is, she said that she is a girlfriend to my husband and she asked me too who i was, for me not to curse any dispute, i lied to her, so when my husband came back i asked him he lied to me, that night i was so down, i broke in tears and left the house for finding out that my husband is cheating on me, but i loved him so much, i thought of what to do to make him love me passionately, so a friend gave me clue on what to do that i should contact spell caster, So i went into search in the Internet so fortunately i found good testimonies on how this Lord Ogadikehas helped a lot of people in my condition, so i contacted [email protected] and he worked a spell on me and my husband, getting back my husband was the most important thing i was after, this spell worked like nothing I had ever seen in my life .after 2 days of the spell was casted my husband came begging me to come back home, he promised to be faithful to me and promised never to cheat on me again, I’m happy now and free. my problems are solved by [email protected]
“I have never experienced anything like this. I never expected such a reaction. Melissa Reid
You need to break someone’s password because you dont have trust?
We are here for you!!
You just have to sayand we Will do all the work.
I am waiting to help you!!
[email protected]
This is awesome…your are SOOO right…. AMEN to this
i feel as if my boyfriend doesnt love me but he says he does what should i do?
WAO MY FAMILY IS BACK AGAIN
HI AM JULIO DA Sanchez’s, Am from Madrid Spain . with this great tears of joy and happiness in my heart today I want to give an unlimited thanks to this man Called DR ABULU of [email protected] and also share my testimonies with this great man on how I was able to get my husband and my kids back to my arms once again after two years and after I thought all hope was lost in getting back my family .well and happy today I have my family back and I want to say to the whole world what would I have done if not for DR ABULU that I saw a testimony share on the internet by miss MICHELL FROM AUSTRALIA and I also contacted this man for help and he also did my own for me and to day am back with my husband |ALONSO DA SANCHEZ,S and my kids are happy with us . so I want to am very happy today and I want to say to everyone on this site that I will always remain thankful to this man DR ABULU of [email protected] for all this he has done for me, thanks to you once again DR for am grateful to you and will always be
My name is lisa, from Montreal ,Canada. I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in Febuary this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR. WIHE he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 6 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend(now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much [email protected]
All Thanks goes to the great Prophet for what he has done for me in my life he brought back happiness that I thought I will never have in my life after my ex left me for 7 long months lonely, I was thinking everything was over and to end my life cause I truly loved Aaron until i came across this Prophet's website (www.prophetofgoddess.com) because i have been scammed by some fake spell caster who where just adding pain to my pain but he just ended the pain for me by bringing back my ex in just 2days after I got to his temple cause I didn't want to take a chance of sending any more people money. Now Aaron is back to me am so grateful to the Prophet you can contact him on ([email protected]) because he is a man i can swear with my life that he is real.
Am most grateful to a spelll lady who has given me a new outlook with my relationship. I have been experiencing difficulty in my relationhip for about 6months now, but just last week here i heard about this spell lady who i contacted online at [email protected], she has been wonderful and kind with all her honest spell. Priestess Ifaa, My lover has totally.YOU should call her and see for yourself, thank you so much for being there for me, and clearing the air for be the most wonderful and dream man i ever want to be with now, he has totally changed for the best ever since the spell lady did cast the spell for me to make my lover stop cheating and misbehaving. I would urge you never to give up on the one you love for there are some real spell people who can restore your relationship, the email to meet this lady just as i did is [email protected], i must confess that she is incredibly powerful.
Thanks
I have never been so happy. Never ever did I think that I could find a spell caster to help me fix any problems. [email protected] is the answer to you problem no body pay me to say this bishop jakes has amazed me as I have seen results from everything he has done for me, often quite fast. While I have been to other spell casters who I believe tried their best; bishop jakes paryed for me simply is the best, being truly gifted and having written the book on it. In addition, his integrity truly sets him apart in the field as he has told me several times I did not need a spell when he just as easily could have said I did. He is a truly kind and generous person who took time out on a weekend recently to help with a difficult ongoing case for me which brought him no personal gain. His work resulted in an all out miracle with a man I have been in love with for two years.bishop jakes. i so much believe in this man [email protected]
I want to say thank you thank you thank you to bishop jakes more for everything so far. To everyone who doesn’t believe in spell, I was one of those ones at first. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to do this since I’ve tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read through the testimonials of other people at this website and after I talked osoba who answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give it a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my guy back. So my story is that I was at my office when the guy I am in love with told me that he wasn’t in love with me and never will be and that he didn’t want to speak or see me again, especially since he was talking to this other girl. When I talked to Bishop Jakes , he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the ones that was to get him back to me and stay with me and want to marry me.As soon as he started on the spells, my guy came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful for that. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what Bishop Jakes said would happen. He’s always there when you need him and that’s also after the spell is done. I’m still waiting for the spells to completely manifest, but with all that has happened so far I’m very happy because given only four months ago in March, if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! Lara. contact is email address [email protected]
My situation was hopeless me and my husband was on the verge of divorce. I was in a awful state and felt that I was not able to cope with life any longer. I found [email protected] and tried him. Well, he did return and now we are doing well again, more than ever before. Thank you so much [email protected] i will forever be grateful to you.
he can help you get your ex back
My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my
life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don't know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help
and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my
problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the
third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only
that,we are about to get married.once again thank you Elixir .you are truly talented and gifted. Email: [email protected]
is the only answer. he can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man
You must be the spell caster…..
Man listen, stressing anyone is out is a CLEAR sign you're a pain in the arse. Why would anyone go out of their way to stress anyone just to see how much they love them. I can see the intital 'chase' the playing hard to get and things like that. Stressing a brother IS NOT cool. You're basically asking, no BEGGING him to part ways with you and that's never a good thing. Life is too short to be stressed over anything…money included.
It's been 8 months since we split. She has a restraining order against me and I'm trying to get my car from her by suing her. She got a new job, moved and started a relationship with the pool guy. (3 weeks after we split) I got ba new job, obviously a new house and spend time with a woman. I still have very strong feelings for her. (guilt, remorse and love) i struggle with these feelings because the restraining order prevents me from figjting for her. All I can do is wait for my chance…..They've written many songs about things like this. i guess it's real…..Thanks.
I can't thank you enough for all that you have done for me. About 2 year ago I my partner had misunderstanding, we had both made BIG mistakes in our relationship. He ended up moving away from me to pursue a new life. I knew in my heart that he would be the only one to make me happy. I was relieved when I found your email: [email protected] on a site about what you have done. I requested 1 to 2 day casting of the reunite us love spell and within 3days frank company had relocated him back to our hometown where I still lived. We immediately reconnected and move in with each other I can't really thank you enough Dr Okoja.
Solid Gold Post, WIM.
Printed out and bookmarked!
Thank you for your wisdom!
This is a testimony that i will tell to every one to hear. i have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until i met a post where this man Dr. Atingo have helped someone and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, i saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email: [email protected]
It's true. I did — made my bf stressed out. He's awesome – never leaves me. I know he loves me.
enburg
My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don't know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you Antonin spell.you are truly talented and gifted.Email. [email protected] is the only answe
You insulted his honor by making an accusation with no proof. If it were me you accused, you would be lucky to even BE BREATHING.
It took me 10 years to learn what you explain here so succinctly, so thank you. Expressing reasonable needs within your relationship (whether you are a fellow or a lady) is not only the best way to see if someone's really going to stick by you, it's also the only way you can have a real relationship with someone. If you hide your needs and thoughts, they will never know you. How can they love you if they don't know you? You're not being fair to them or yourself. Your needs and theirs are equally valid, regardless of what years of "nice girl" conditioning has told you.
Perhaps if you respectfully but assertively open up your needs, they will be more encouraged to share theirs. A good person who cares for you will respect you more and will be encouraged to express their own needs back. If they dump you, then you got rid of someone who was a drain on you and you can still stand tall knowing your own strength.
One caveat, though, make sure you know what your actual needs are – because often insecurities masquerade as needs. Eg., if you've only been with a man for a month and you need him to propose, perhaps you should take a look at yourself and why you feel you need that. Obviously, this is an exaggeration, but I think it's an important one.
Great Post!! I totally agree what you wrote. Men wont simply leave women if they care for the relationship even a little stress.
My recent post How to Attract Women Even if You Are an Average Joe?
Yep. I just found out the hard way that someone didn't care as much about me as I thought he did and it's because I did exactly that, stressed him out. He dumped me saying "this is too much work". So, now I know!
Lol, awesome read.
Most articles will name a variety of different things that "men do" when they love you && could have you sitting there thinking he doesn't love me because he doesn't do xyz when the reality may be he just isn't that type of man.
But your article held the most weight, hands down. Makes sense! Love it.
Great job! <3