30 Things Black People Do When Nobody’s Watching

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I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she said to me: “Man, World Star Hip Hop sets black people back further and further.”  She’s not Black.  Sigh, it’s really hard to keep a secret from white people when you have a website like WorldStar. Today, I decided to do the Friday post on things Black people do when nobody’s watching, specifically white people. Check it out.

1. Play Jeezy, or any other ignorant music as loud as possible.

2. Dance.  We love to dance. We like dancing alone, with someone, or even as a large group.

3. Sing.  This lady at my job asked me if I could sing, I said, I can hold a note.  That was a blatant lie. When I’m at home, I sing Marvin Gaye at the top of my lungs.

4. Watch Twerk Team videos.  [Obligatory nod to all the Black men in the audience today.]

5. Eat fried chicken. I don’t know why we keep hiding this stuff from white people, they be knowing; The Colonel and Popeye are both white.

6. Google incoming numbers we don’t have in our phone.

7. Go on Twitter, Facebook or Gchat and talk about our coworkers.  Unless you work with all Black people, you have to resort to these options on the low to get out your thoughts.

8. Talk about how racist white people are, and how they don’t get it.

9. Play Spades and Bid Whist.  As a shorty, I had two telephone books, and a death threat on my head if I reneged.

10. Beat their kids like Zab Judah, something I don’t agree with.  Also, Black parents have this thing called the Angry Whisper — it’s basically when your mother sends you death threats through her teeth.

11. Stare at white people’s butts – both men and women do this.  Either they’re small or their big, either way we’re just wondering how it works.

12. Argue.  We’re just a spirited bunch, we love each other.

13. Laugh.  My coworkers will never see me laugh, can’t let them ever think I enjoy working for the Man.

14. Locate, identify, but never alert the authorities.  Jamie: “There go the police.”  Tyreke: “WHERE?!”  Jamie: “You being mad obvious right now, don’t look.”

15. Talk funny. Trust me, that’s not our normal voice until we’re with our friends and the door is locked.

16. Throw away bills.  Sallie can kiss my black… moving right along.

17. Make personal phone calls on our work phone. And get mad when a colleague has the audacity to interrupt us with actual work.

18. Make up new code words and slang to use with our friends.  White people stole swag from us before we even got good at it.

19. Call their momma.

20. Put something unhealthy in our hair like pomade or a perm. I would like to say something about patting a weave or something, but according to sisters, “when your hair is itching, it’s itching, so we scratch whenever.”

21. Pretend like we’re playing a sport.  For example, balling up a piece of paper, tossing it in the trash, yelling, “KOBE!” and then walking back to your desk.

22. Heat up some food from home and try to avoid questions. “That smells good, what is it?”

23. Make a subtle fashion statement, like twisting our visor at McDonald’s.

24. Hook up our friends with stuff from work.

25. Snap jokes on each other. We tease each other a lot, it’s to develop thick skin.

26. Grease up the body with cocoa butter or shea butter and go to bed.

27. Talk about what we “gonna” do.

28. Tell stories with one word. For example, “How was last night?” is responded to by saying, “Bawse…” or “son…”

29. White person sent this one in: “When I’m hanging around my [friends who are Black] they talk about people’s sex lives a lot.”

30. We call things that aren’t official, official.  For example, “THE OFFICIAL WAKA FLOCKA CONCERT AFTERPARTY,”  even though Waka will not be there.

I have a friend who happens to be white, he asked me, “What’s it like being Black?”  I told him, being Black is about living in a constant state of paranoia.  That’s all I had to say about that.  It’s very true, we hide these things because we don’t know how you’ll react when you find out.

Hope you had a good laugh at this list, enjoy your Friday.  Feel free to add things I may have left out.  This list would be good if a person who wasn’t Black was really trying to get to know us.  I sent a message to an old friend of mine, he replied, “I honestly don’t care.” Signed, George Bush.

Did you enjoy the perspective offered in this article? Check out our homepage for more candid content from the SBM team. 

Oh yeah, the mix, let’s let @CarverTheGreat get into it, or download it here:

Tracklist: 1. David Guetta: Memories f/ Kid Cudi, 2. DJ Chuckie: Let The Bass Kick f/ Jermaine Dupri, 3. Cassie: King Of Hearts, 4. Azalea Banks: 212 f/ Lazy J, 5. LMFAO: Sexy & I Know It, 6. Chris Brown: Turn Up The Music f/ Rihanna, 7. Pitbull: International Love (Clinton Sparks x Disco Fries Remix) f/ Chris Brown, 8. T-Pain: It’s Not You f/ Pitbull, 9. Pitbull: Give Me Everything f/ Ne-Yo & Nayer, 10. Rihanna: We Found Love, 11. Adele: Rolling In The Deep (Tiesto Remix), 12. LMFAO: Sorry For Party Rocking

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  • anna

    majority of these, white people do too.

    • Dr. J

      no they don't.

      • The Guy

        Anna works for SWM

      • larnelw

        Dont know if I agree with "majority" but they definitely do many of these

        • Dr. J

          White girl hit me up this morning and said she does 28 of these things. I was like, "You don't count. We already knew that."

      • white person

        yeah we do

        • yuri

          lol because you saw black people doing it first. ^ ^

        • Tori

          lmao at the fact that your name is white person. How cute.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003021222091 Duke MexiPlex

        yeah we do, I think about how racist black people are all the time

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003021222091 Duke MexiPlex

          and how they done get it

      • Joe

        Just a comment: I am completely against any kind of racism but the fact that black people "Talk about how racist white people are," would make blacks racist too. Because you are saying that a race is racist. In other words, you are generalizing a negative quality to a race, thus, racism.

        • bkdude

          Joe, you misunderstand the definition of racism. “Racism” is a system of oppression where one group systematically subjugates another based on their race. Black folk don’t have that kind of power in America and never have. So no, black folk aren’t being racist when discussing white racism.

          You can argue that black folk can be prejudiced. But not racist.

        • ARF

          hmmm…

          rac·ism noun ˈrā-ˌsi-zəm also -ˌshi-

          Definition of RACISM

          1
          : a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race
          2
          : racial prejudice or discrimination
          — rac·ist noun or adjective

        • just another guy

          Maybe as a whole other races can't oppress white people the way white people have oppressed them, but it happens all the time on a social and business level. Not by all people, but people with racist leanings. We've all seen non-white-owned businesses that only employ non-whites, even if it is in a mixed neighborhood. Like Black, White, Chinese or Mexican restaurants that only have Black, White, Chinese or Mexican employees. That's racist, plain and simple. It just sucks. I treat everyone equally in my life, as best I can. The only people I discriminate against are idiots, mean people, etc. I don't care if you're white, black, brown, red or yellow. If you're a jerk, you're out. I have black friends, black coworkers and black family members. For that matter, our family currently contains members who are white, black, hispanic, middle eastern, gay, straight and bisexual. The ring bearer in our wedding was mixed. Until we ALL move forward and treat each other right, this crap will never end. I know it's only natural to want to react (and remember that's RE act, to act the same way again/against) when treated badly. I know plenty of black people hold a lot of hatred against white folks for the way they've been treated, so they naturally want to treat white folks the same way back. But it goes both ways. I've seen white kids who never felt racist take crap from black kids to the point they finally decide "I don't like black people". It's a domino effect, and it makes me sad. Everyone, regardless of color, culture, etc. needs to take the high road. Turn the other cheek, prove the ignorant wrong, educate those who just don't know better. We all need to raise I children to be color blind, and yet culturally sensitive. Different is just different, not better, not worse. It doesn't mean you should stay away. Ask questions, learn, get involved. We have a lot more in common that we think. Can I, as white man, understand a black man's life fully? No. Can I learn more? Yes. I know this will start an argument or two, but my family has more in common with blacks than they think. Both my parents grew up poor and white in the south. My mother's people were VERY poor. They had just enough land to raise a couple of cows and pigs and tend a little garden. They didn't have indoor plumbing or finished insides on their house's walls until the mid 1960's. Sure they had it better than lots of blacks, but there were also blacks who had it better than them. We know for a fact that our families never owned slaves, we were too poor and the family Bibles track our history in this country back to the time of the revolutionary war. We were all poor farmers, with a couple of ministers and teachers scattered in. Most of our ancestors were poor white tenant farmers, who only had a place to live because they worked for someone else, and they never owned a thing but the clothes on their backs. They were often treated as badly as blacks were by the landowners and other wealthy whites. Nobody believes it, and nobody talks about it, but it's true. My mother and her sisters worked hard, got into college on scholarships, and made something of themselves. Their brothers have done OK, but they never managed to overcome their ignorance and still are pretty prejudiced. So the rest of us have just had to distance ourselves from them.

          Am I perfect? No. Am I better than my parents? Yes. Are they do better than THEIR parents? Oh, hell yes. All we can do is teach the young ones to be better than us. My daughter was probably 6 or 7 before she ever identified anyone as black, white, etc. (probably TV's fault she ever started). To her, everyone just had a name, not a color. We had her in a daycare that had every color of the rainbow. It's hard to see black or white when every shade is represented. Where's white end and black start? Where's black end and white start? Who cares. Back then, if you had asked her "which kid is Kayla", and Kayla was a little black girl standing with 20 of the whitest kids you ever saw, my daughter would have said "she's the one with the purple shirt". It never would have occurred to her to say "she's the black girl". I'm proud of her, she's still that way, really, at 16. One of her best friends is a black guy, and they're great together. They both make race "jokes" to each other all the time and just laugh and laugh. They give me hope for the future. All of us need to learn and participate in each others cultures like they do. They've been to each others church, family dinners, etc. They're totally aware they're very different, but they know it doesn't matter if they love and respect each other, and they love each other to pieces.

        • http://None Thando

          White ppl dont get it, nd they probably never will, bieng black is about bieng free spirited, about caring and sharing(a black woman duz’nt mind cooking and calling all da neighbourhood kids 2 come and eat which i doubt white ppl do) white ppl like 2 judge and blame all bad things on other races except 4 them selves.

        • Michael

          Come on- every neighborhood of every race and nation I have ever lived in or known about has this kind of neighborhood mom figure. As for the judging you're about half wrong.

        • kate

          oh please.

        • get real man

          Now, see, you acting and thinking like a racist yourself. You doubt white people ever cook for all the kids in the neighborhood? You DOUBT? That really means you don't THINK so, but you don't know. You're assuming. Assuming something about someone based solely on their appearance or genetic heritage is prejudice. There's moms of every color who ARE that good, and moms of every color who AREN'T that good. There are people of every color who ARE free spirited, caring and sharing, and people of every color who are NOT. Don't act like you don't know any black people who are greedy old grumpy fools who don't love anyone but themselves. You know you do, just like we all know someone of every color who is.

      • Kim

        Um… yea, we kinda do, lol…my bf is black and he teases me a lot, saying me and my family are more black than he is, lol. Then other times, he says "It's a black thing" you wouldnt understand. Wth??? Lol…I tell him, just the other day you said Im more black than you! He just said, well, that was the other day, today your white again. Hes such a goof!

    • Johnrr

      White people are the least racist people on the planet! Plus they r the only ones who give money and time to charity and give people jobs and a better life. It’s always whitey saving the day and all the minorities stand there with their hands out. Minorities are incredibly racist they say horrible things about other races not just white people but they say slurs about everyone but there own. There’s a reason why everyone risks their lives to get into all the white countries but no one ever moves to or stays in their own countries. If whitey is so bad then stop trying to move to THEIR home.

  • MrJ_Davis

    #35 if you have one or more friends in the car it turns into a freestyle contest that could potentially carry on for several songs

    • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jermaine-spradley/a-millennial-manifesto-jobs_b_956053.html Most

      YO!!!! Your #33 had me rolling. I be having bars tho … #Lowkey.

  • Teflon Mom

    11. Stare at white people’s butts – both men and women do this. Either they’re small or their big, either way we’re just wondering how it works. <—————- my goodness, I thought I was the only one.

    I eat my fried chicken proudly. The hippie white folks at my job (who normally brown bag it) will go ape shyt for some Popeyes. Whenever someone makes the decision to go they gotta get everybody's order. Apparently the only place I can't enjoy some fried chicken is my own home, thanks to Captain Health Nut.

    I had to try REALLY hard not to tell one of my co-workers, "Boy, bye." yesterday. Thanks, #15.

    • Dr. J

      Tef it's the cupcakes. If you ever notice that one white girl in school who had the fatty always was eating chicken wings and mambo sauce right along with us. Now they all eating cupcakes everyday and it's going straight to d'ass. If you see a white girl eating cupcakes just turn around and let her know what it's gon' be in a couple years.

    • Rastus Nigra

      Can a nigga' get some white Ass, shit!

      • Tyrone

        If she'll suk my great big black fuckpole, shit!

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    iCackled.

  • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan.

    i still dont know how to play spades smh…otherwise i agree with everything here and also

    31. secretly enjoy a top 40 song- some of them songs they play at work be catchy as hell

    32. constantly clear our text logs/browser history- or maybe thats just me

    33. Spit a couple bars over that lil bit of instrumental that plays before/after the song

    34. rock du rags to bed even tho you aint got a single braid/wave in ya head

    35. Check yourself out in car windows

    • Alshana

      Have you been following me?

    • Dr. J

      #31 – Cats be knowing that Domino song, they be knowing.
      #32 – You got a girl lol.
      #33 – Ain't nothing wrong with that, how about when somebody be like, "Yo I could freestyle to this forever." I tell you right now, can't nobody see me on Strange Clouds.
      #34 – You still burning that Khush incense too ain't you?
      #35 – Gotta stay fly-y-y-y-y-yyyyyyy.

      • larnelw

        I effs with Jessie J and I dare somebody to say su'umm!!!! Couple of Katy Perry songs too. Particularly that "E.T." joint with Kanye

      • JCR

        #36 Yell at the movie screen at horror flicks even though the scene was filmed 18 months ago and the pictures on the wall CANNOT HEAR YOU! Old joke but still true.
        #37 Get so shitty on sweet liquor drinks like Remy and Coke or Moscato so your mouth doesn't work right and have to make up a name for someone you've known for years, or your kid. It usually has at least 1 and sometimes 2 "Ra", "Sha", "La" or "Qua" in it. Maybe just letters a Q or Z and a dash if really high. But never a really weird African name.
        #38 Ditch your last name when you think you are rich. Add an apostrophe if you are female.
        #39 When you do finally land a contract with the NBA, NFL, or MLB (Not NHL) make sure to spend it all at once on stuff, since you don't have to fake it now. (Tear ACL, sell house, cars, fish tank and call Nonna).
        #40 When fine dining..say "What flavor lemonades do you have?" and "I just want my steak done!"
        #41 No matter how smart you are, it's cooler to be a hoodie, so don't conjugate verbs properly and speak shorthand. "Dat's mines", "Lemme axe you" and "Yo, they be…" are common examples.
        #42 Put $3000 rims on a $2000 car or drive a car that has payments more than rent. Drive a Range Rover, live in a studio apt with 2 roommates and eat Ramen or KFC with a coupon.
        #43 Enjoy the wide variety of flavored wraps.
        #44 Black men are expected to have a lot of women, black women are whores if they do the same. Keep up the double standard.
        #45 Stay off the beach, the sand sticks to the butters and hair products. Even 1 grain hurts in the wrong place (busy). Tanning is for white people, don't look like you are actually from Ethiopia.
        #46 No swimming. Jacuzzi is OK. No lakes, or God forbid, the Ocean. Thick females look like a seal for the sharks. No surfing either.
        #47 Have nothing to do with cold, snow, or ice unless in a drink. No skiing or snowboarding! EVER! However, with the first cold snap of Autumn, dress like an Arctic explorer even if it is 60 outside.
        #48 Females, wear spandex and stilts, even when they look like Ralphie May, pregnant. It has to be sexy for someone else too, right?
        #49 Grocery shop with children at 11PM. Use the diaper part of the for Heineken, OE for the hood.
        #50 Females, wear a ton of makeup (fake), get a weave (fake), spend too much money on nails (fake), get liposuction (white girls and fake), get fake ass titties. Continue to wonder why you can't find a "Real Man". Oh, and make certain to talk with your hands like an Italian.
        #51 Cornrow the girls even though you know that is why Memaw has no hair today.
        #52 Never go with Bear Grylls on vacation. Crazy white man.

        Every stereotype is based on reality. Don't make it worse:)
        Just for fun…
        Something few will ever do. No matter the amount of melanin they have. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrXQbucZUDA

    • The Guy

      #32 stop letting them girls go thru ya phone lol but i feel u delete it all man, no Nixon

      • Dr. J

        nah it ain't his phone its his browser history. men have these sites they like to go to.

  • redlady821

    Jeezy? (Lil Wayne?) Twerk Team (WTH?) Zab Judah? OMG I am so old, I have no idea who/what these things are. I can play some spades, eat some fried chicken, and a host of other things on your list but those names…those names….

    • Dr. J

      Red, save yourself. Do not Youtube, Twerk Team. Stop acting like you don't know who Jeezy is either. That's the loud music coming from your son's room.

    • LiveLoveSing

      When you get home (because the vids are NSFW) please youtube twerk team. It lowkey changed my life. I feel like I'm supposed to hate it, but I really don't.

  • http://www.urbanplushproject.com urbanplushproject

    This was a nice, light post…..funny too!

  • http://writtenrebel.blogspot.com/ Tiffany Nicole

    Ha! Nice list!!

    8. For me it's more of those "why" questions—why ya'll drive monster trucks to work?? Why ya'll watch cars driving in circles all dang on DAY! Why ya'll wanna always touch my hair–yes it grew from my scalp, they're called locs, yep I wash my hair….smh

    10. My granny is QUEEN if the Silent Whisper when we used to cut up at the grocery store! I don't have kids but I find it has become part of my "teacher look" when other people's kids are about to take me over edge in the classroom, I give the look and whisper stop–the whole room stands still!! Thankfully that doesn't have to happen often!

    Good list…happy Friday!
    My recent post The Art of Letting Go

  • http://twitter.com/Amaris_Acosta @Amaris_Acosta

    You know, I was JUST having this conversation with someone, because he did NOT understand what I meant when I told him I will NEVER deny that I'm Black, but the lines blur at AFRICAN AMERICAN (I'm Pureto Rican, full disclosure). Black, just different. I tried to explain by saying I just don't have any experience with things you consider culturally normal, for instance:
    1) I find Spades BAFFLING.
    2) I have NEVER, not ONCE, done the electric slide at a family event.
    3) I had to be introduced to the concept of fried chicken with breading. Paprika & the paper bag, even later.
    4) I did not discover the concept of weaves, braids, human or synthetic hair until my TWENTIES. I spent the subsequent year completely pissed off at all my AA friends that I would beg to reveal their secrets to growing hair so fast. Yes, they still laugh at me about it 'till this day.
    I can probably nod my head & laugh to a third of this list. You have, however, inspired a hispanic version of this for my blog. Forthcoming.

    • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan.

      *dead* at “beg to reveal their secrets”

      • http://twitter.com/Amaris_Acosta @Amaris_Acosta

        Oh, you should have HEARD that first conversation when I accidentally walked in on the process:

        "And you GLUE it to your HEAD????????" **mouth agape**

        "B**h get OUT my dorm room!!!"

      • whitey

        I’m white and I went to Howard. I know all your secrets, but as an honorary black person, I will never tell.

    • Dr. J

      But when you get the puerto lican list up, please link us at SBM so we can chime in. I can probably add at least 10 on my own.

    • Bree

      Sorry to burst your bubble, but, Puerto Rican is not African American or Black in any way shape or form,which is why you can't identify Y.our nationality is closer to "Latino". The people I've met from Puerto Rico who live in NY speak Spanish.

  • larnelw

    Lets see:

    There are a few here that I can't relate with but many if not most I definitely do. A few that had me laughing that stood out

    #4 Twerk Team is shameful. Those girls are horribly degrading themselves…..but still I be watching lol
    #9 Spades……COME TESS MEH NOW!!!!
    #11 Stare at white womens butts. Yeah I do it. I look any all womens butts #shruglife
    #12 I LOVE to argue/debate. Anyone who really knows me knows this
    #16 I know what I owe. I don't need all this damn paperwork
    #21 Who just throws away the garbage??? You gotta do it with like the Jordan fade away

    I'd also add:

    - "Yelling at people on tv".
    I will damn near pop a blood vessel doing in on someone on tv like they can actually hear me. Last Sunday's episode of "Walking Dead", when the kid was in the woods alone (those who watch know what I'm talking about), I was LOSING it. my wife had to look at me crazy and say "Jr…..HE CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!"

    • Dr. J

      I had a full conversation with Kobe on Wednesday via television.

      #4 – We still don't know how old them chicks is, we could all be going to jail one day.
      #9 – Don't get a Spades night thrown by SBM started.
      #11 – It's a different stare.
      #16 – #tabernacle
      #21 – What about bottle caps? I'm lights out from my couch to the trash bucket in the dining room.

      • larnelw

        #4 I've heard that they are like 21 NOW. If so the viewage is legal. Look on! lol
        #11 i'll give you that. I have stared in wonderment (*new word) at white girl mini booty in spandex. You know it aint much. You know in jeans or pants you'd never even pay it any mind. But the spandex somehow makes it look like more interesting. Then you got the Booty Burgalars. Then white breads that clearly stole some sisters phatty delicious

    • Hugh Jazz

      larnelw: #11 Stare at white womens butts. Yeah I do it. I look any all womens butts #shruglife

      +1

      "#21 Who just throws away the garbage??? You gotta do it with like the Jordan fade away"

      Complete with the back-to-the-basket spin.

      • http://streetztalk.net Streetz

        You haven’t lived until you call an ISO play for shooting trash in the can.

        After I hit my last fadaway i yelled ” BXTCHYOUWASNTWITHMESHOOTININTHEGYM!!!!!!!”

        • Dr. J

          Nah but when you block your sibling or cousin shot in the kitchen it gets real.

      • larnelw

        With my boys we done took the garbage basketball to another level. Dont get caught sleeping walking through a doorway (or any sort of reachable overhead railing). Because that plastic bottle, the crumbled up piece of whatever…..that is now the ball, the railing is the rim and you are about to catch the ill two handed helmet. Jordan on Ewing style. Leg wrap around. Full violation. #NoPause….go put ya skirt on lol. Oh and if two of us are in on it…….ALLEY OPP!!!!
        LOL

  • Panamena

    For #11 I don't just stare at white people's butts I stare at Asians, Indians and some Hispanics butts too wondering…

  • The Guy

    #27 Black people ALWAYS got some kind of plan tho, like no matter what the job is we got this new thing we about to step into like for example "man once i get this blog poppin' ima be bigger than worldstar and ni**as wont see me no more!"

    • Dr. J

      Black people Ad-Libs:

      As soon as __________ i'm gonna __________ and i'm gon' make it.

      Space #1 – Get my teeth fixed or I get my paycheck or I get my ish together
      Space #2 – take over the world or take over stone mountain or get these ki's

      Ki's open doors.

      • girrrrl

        me: where do u work
        him: oh im in construction
        me: thank god! a man with a real job! if i meet one more would be rapper…
        him: umm im performing w (big rapper) at the club next week..wanna go? it’ll b 20 dollas

  • http://twitter.com/grneyesgoodhair @grneyesgoodhair

    Okay, I have to admit that I definitely google numbers I don't know. I don't know why I do this, but it's definitely become a habit.
    My recent post Can You Be Just A Little Bit Racist?

  • http://www.streetztalk.net Streetz

    #31 – get angry when someone screams your “governemnt” in a crowd. Not your legal name, your GOVERNMENT.

    “YO MARK!! MARK YOOO!!”

    “SON… Stop shouting my GOVERNMENT like that!”

    • Dr. J

      #32 – get angry when someone asks you more than 4 consecutive questions.

      "YO SON, YOU ASKING TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!!"

      • Kema

        "Yo…. You a cop or suh'n?"

        LOL!

    • larnelw

      Real talk I was 2 seconds from writing out ya full gov't just because LOL

    • Bree

      Cosign on that right thur Streetz.

  • http://www.streetztalk.net Streetz

    Also, I am a definite #28, 14, and the Spades one. I almost got into a lunch room battle royal over spades. smh

  • bellatrice1

    Someone's been peeking through my windows! These are all hilarious, especially 3

    16. Throw away bills. Sallie can kiss my black…

    22. Heat up some food from home and try to avoid questions. “That smells good, what is it?” (especially if it's some "ethnic food."

    5. Eat fried chicken. I don’t know why we keep hiding this stuff from white people, they be knowing; The Colonel and Popeye are both white. (I don't know why either, just seems like the PC thing to do lol)

    6. Google incoming numbers we don’t have in our phone. (Doing this has never produced any valuable information, but it's a habit now. I thought it was just me that did this…Yay, it's not!)

    Can't relate, but thought this was too funny…
    13. Laugh. My coworkers will never see me laugh, can’t let them ever think I enjoy working for the Man.
    My recent post 30′s 30 Sexiest Men Alive

  • http://viedesignblog.wordpress.com Ivy

    Why??? I mean, whyyyyy???

    #14 gave me life! We be on the lookout, no joke.
    My recent post Wedding Wednesday: Ayesha + Zach

    • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jermaine-spradley/a-millennial-manifesto-jobs_b_956053.html Most

      And black people call em the "poe – leece"

  • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Fariku

    Lol @ Call things Official when they arent. I hate when people do this on youtube. I m looking for a music video and you do a photo montage and call it an official video. How about you go hug and electrified pole sir?
    My recent post African Integration, Nigerian Tunnel Vision and Ghanaian Independence

    • Dr. J

      I discovered a hot producer out of Atlanta by Youtube'ing "Official Video She Will Lil Wayne Drake"

      Somebody told me it was a video out for it, so I looked for it, it actually was a video of Mailiah, but that's neither here nor there. Found this hot song by this rapper, who is not all that talented, but he had a hot beat on the track.

      • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Fariku

        Fair enough, but sometimes its some BS. You have to admit if it was an "official" afterparty and you go there and find a sparse crowd or a sausage fest because the real official afterparty is going on elsewhere you would be pissed.
        My recent post African Integration, Nigerian Tunnel Vision and Ghanaian Independence

        • Dr. J

          You're not going to get me to disagree. I intentionally do not go. Actually just about every thing about the way Black folk promote parties is wrong. Like this whole new, "hosted by" ish. Totally wack. I don't care who's going to be there. Things I care about:
          - Is there going to be food there?
          - What's the ratio like?
          - How much are drinks?
          - Do I have to pay to get in?
          - Do I need to be dressed like a Deacon trying to get chose?

          I don't give a hoot about who's hosting, won't change my mood one bit. In fact, it might make me not go. Hosted by Idris Elba = Waste of money and time, i'm going to a cards game.

  • PeeJay

    funny post! good job

  • LadyE

    This is heelarious! Im in the classroom cracking up..

    my two cents:
    1. watch reality shows like Survivor, Real Housewives of OC and Jerseylicious and sterotype white people
    2. go outside with my slippers on (NOT to the store just downstairs or out front)

    • Dr. J

      The amount of sitting out front black people do is just hilarious in itself.

      me: What you bout to do?
      best friend: Nothing just sitting on the porch.
      me: Aight, i'll be over in a second.

    • http://viedesignblog.wordpress.com Ivy

      LAMO–outside, with the slippers AND robe on!!

      My recent post Wedding Wednesday: Ayesha + Zach

  • Adonis

    1 Ignorant Music. "I'm riding round & I'm gettin it, I'm ridin round I'm gettin', It's mine, I spend it"

    2 Dance. All the time, when I am stationary. ADD. Cannot stay still unlkes I am on the Internet

    3 Sing. All the time in public

    4. Twerk Team. Not really, but I know World Star Hip Hop Candy, get an, uh em, HONORABLE mention. Will check them out later

    8. Racist whites. It took awhile for me to realize how RACIST white people are. It took 3 armchair black militant to warm me up to this novel concept.

    9. I learned how to play Spade in a hospital. Rarely play it these days.

    10. I am not a fan of child beating. But positive psychological torment is highly approved.

    • Adonis

      11. Add asian butts to this list… Love latina butts also. #PrisonerOfTheMoment Tweet.

      12. Argue. I love Debates.

      13. Laugh. Always.

      14. Locate, identify, but never alert the authorities. Nuff said.

      18. Make up new code words and slang to use with our friends. Ebonics is a recognized LANGUAGE.

      20. Put something unhealthy in our hair like pomade or a perm. I done that twice. It was alright.

      21. My accuracy is about 50% in hitting the trash can. Call me NoBe

      22. I am the guy who is sniffing on errbody food. Yo, fam, come up off that.

      25. Snap jokes on each other. #Truth

      27. Talk about what we “gonna” do. I hate to admit this. #Truth

      28. Tell stories with one word. “How was last night?” is responded to by saying, "Fan-Tastic" or Life is good.

      What a post… Very relatable.

  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jermaine-spradley/a-millennial-manifesto-jobs_b_956053.html Most

    #32 Talk about how close we were to being drug kingpins before making the decision to do the right thing, go to college and get good jobs.

    "Son, I was basically a young Avon Barksdale…."

    • http://streetztalk.net Streetz

      YO!!!!!!!!! LMAOOOOO

      Sprads im out man. Thats every black kid until theyre 18. lol

      Son I rolled with killers. They told me goto school though…

      lowkey that did happen to me tho lmao

    • Bree

      Whaaaaaat…….Not Mr. Most!

    • Dr. J

      The funny part is when you meet someone who really was. They never lose them tendencies. A college or bar fight turns into flashing lights and charges brought.

    • james

      8. Racist whites. It took awhile for me to realize how RACIST white people are. It took 3 armchair black militant to warm me up to this novel concept.

      #32 Talk about how close we were to being drug kingpins before making the decision to do the right thing, go to college and get good jobs.

      "Son, I was basically a young Avon Barksdale…."

      —–
      Yeah, these two might be related somehow.

  • Bree

    Some of these I do in front of whoever unless they are mad old and elderly and I have hella respect for them like that or it's an older elderly member of my family or my grandmom.
    Other than that I could give a frogs fat azz what folks thoughts are when I'm being me. If they don't like it….look away…lol
    Now I am "Becky" at work with some folks….some folks are cool and laid back and I know some "ghetto" white folks so I don't worry about it too much.
    I will play R & B and jazz loud too regarding #1
    The only time I danced by myself was when I was learning bellydancing On-Demand watching comcast.
    (yeah I sho nuff did learn to belly dance for free On-Demand). I'm a girl who knows how to save money….*smile*

  • Bree

    I have no idea what "twerk team" video's are.
    Every corporate company picnic I've been too they had fried chicken and bbq chicken and ribs.
    The white folks I know loooooove ribs and fried chicken….men moreso than women eat it cause yall know white women are forever trying to maintain their skinnyness. So suffice it to say, I've never hid what I eat from white folks….if anything I've hipped them to some new things….lol
    Can't say I stare at anybody's butts….except guys I think are cute or white women (and men) wit azzes bigger than mine (cause that is so rare).
    I don't like arguing in public at all, and I laugh all the time and all the white folks I know laugh with me.
    I've never googled a number I didn't know….I just didn't answer it and deleted it cause I figured it was somebody trying to sell me something I didn't want or need or a bill collector or scammer or somebody I didn't want to talk to.

  • Bree

    And if anything I know mad white people who comment on butt and breast sizes of other people.
    We used to big azzes and tata's………they not so they seem to comment on it and look and stare and ogle waaaay more than black folks……imo.

    • Dr. J

      Their look is different. Just like when we look at black and latina girl's ass, it's different.

  • Bree

    Spades….hell yeah…..went to an HBCU so I fondly remember spades tournaments for serious prize money.
    I thought Bid Whist was for old azz senior citizens………? Can't play that.
    I've learned how to steal stuff from work from the white folks I work with….lol
    I know white folks using Cocoa and Shea Butter like me. They recognize….
    I do only make personal calls on my work phone when nobody is around, and get mad when I'm interrupted….lol….number 17 is me….I can't even front.
    I do reserve my "ebonics" for ebony folks like me, and my foreign friends who "get it." Don't like using my ebonics and slang in front of D. Whiteman/woman at all…..never really thought about why…….just don't.

    • Dr. J

      Old people used to play bid whist, let me tell you something, that's a better way to learn how to play spades because of the different aspects of the game, changing trump card, you have to bid very well, you have to learn dynamics of playnig styles, and you have to attempt to count cards.

      People play me in Spades, I can tell by how you bid every card you have in your hand. You don't want none.

      • Belve

        She not ready. She must have gone to a MEAC spot. In the SWAC, you get an education into Bid and quickly.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Ugh!!!! Busy at work today and couldn't chime in, smh

    At the 11th hour, to piggy back on #2:

    - Pause for the cause if "your song" comes on in a store (bags, cart, people behind you…whatever)…we gonna dance it out for at least 15-30 secs, lol

    And to piggy back on that… I'm sure we're responsible for the phrase, "that's my song/jam/joint"…which we've never put a limit on using, lol. Like literally every song could actually be "my joint right there", LOL

  • shetraveler

    Hook up our frds with stuff from work. That right there. Hillarious! My people have all sort paraphenalia from my job. Personally I have everything from plates to lawn chairs at the crib. And I don’t work in retail. Lol

    • blessednbabbling

      my friends' sons had educational stuff b/c I made "popsicles" using construction paper, a laminator, popsicle sticks and a black sharpie. they had numbers, the alphabet, days of the week, months, colors, etc on popsicle sticks to help them learn.

  • Anna

    yea and later when I slip it be like " why are you screamig at that TV – they can't hear you!" or "keep it down, don't be so loud – we al can hear you" and so on.. that always funny.. I hate too admitt but I do most of these – and actually never even thought bout it some of these it me whilereadin ur list just like "Damn…"

    Yea I have like hundreds of "my joints"
    now rockin to D.O.P.E – "We Deserve It All"

    and yea I luv me some fried chcken ! :P

  • JohnBlack

    This list made my day. I thought I was the only dude feeling ashamed of watching Twerk team videos

  • http://sharemysonshine.wordpress.com Share my Sonshine

    This post made me LOL… I need to check what this twerk team is all about…

  • blessednbabbling

    I've heard about the twerk team but have never seem a video. I'm hoping to keep it that way

    and I'm completely guilty (though I don't like admitting this b/c it kind of bothers me when other ppl do it) of blasting one of my "jams" loud in my car with the windows down just so people can hear it. esp. when I see people (mainly men) staring at me while I'm passing them in my car

    all day every day, I'm laughing, at SOMETHING be it recent or something that happened a while ago that randomly popped into my head

    I'm really not sure what the obsession is with OTHER people's sex lives. Black twitter is notorious for this, every day there's a topic about sex on my timeline

    and numb. 30 gets on my nerves when it comes to YouTube. an artist's VEVO page has become my friend

    b/c my favorite rapper is working on a new album my current jams belong to Jeezy. I WILL break out in a head nod (at the least) whenever a Jeezy song comes on. and not care about who's watching

  • http://twitter.com/OriginalNajeema @OriginalNajeema

    This gave me a fantastic laugh…thanks so much!

  • Tiphanique

    # 6 LMAOOOO too true! I forward the call then Google smh forget about listening to voice mail!

  • Antonio Maurice Daniels

    Lmbo! Very funny post and surprisingly true in many cases!

  • JupiterCalhoun

    5. I do it no matter who is around. The only people I know who don't eat fried chicken are vegans and Floyd Pepperton*. Floyd had a bad experience as a child, and vegans are just ridiculous. I'm waiting for someone in a Popeye's or KFC to smart off about me eating chicken. That will be the day I take their pieces OFF their plate, and forbid them from ever eating chicken again.

    9. I've never played bid whist. I did play spades with some white guys once. They didn't understand the concept behind the Big Joker and Little Joker. It threw everything off.

    *Not his real name. But seriously, that mofo hates chicken. Like he's emotional about the schit.

  • jermaine

    I noticed work was not one of them. I tell you, where I live, in the middle of nigger town, whitey started an employment agency, talk about a bad business idea, you know us niggers, we avoid work like a plague. Reminds me of a Father’s Day in the inner-city, you talk about confusion huh? Us niggers, we are something!

  • angryAtNiggers

    they should call this the "30 things niggers do when nobody's watching"

    • Adonis

      Damn whitey, my brother must have robbed you clean.

  • Truth Meister

    How about mangle the English language, worship money, get black women pregnant then leave them to deal with the child, display utter ostentation and join gangs and attack innocent people? Guess you forgot. Oh, and pull up your pants.

    • i hate ignorance

      Why is it that every foundation or principle that white people have created black people have to disrespect, disregard and do the opposite of it. They ruined the English language when they know how it is suppose to be written. White people establish an image of a family and blacks have to destroy that foundation . but all is well because they have fried chicken and get to say white people are racist on every corner. The dumbing down of a once great society is already taking place

  • Shawn

    STUPID NIGGERS Just die or go back to being slaves thats all your good four

  • leroy

    So basically the stereotypes are true…

  • http://www.vitaportal.com Gustavo Domínguez

    I just don’t understand why you conjugate verbs at the wrong person. Sort of like “You is dumb”, “There go the police.” etc. That’s how I came across this article.

  • Killjoy

    How did all of these white racist a-holes find this article? If you despise us "niggers", leave us the phuck alone! Piss off to stormfront!

  • Jessica

    Roll my neck when speaking (never around white people, shame on me if I catch myself slippin). Bust out a cocoa butter stick. Wrap my hair. Watch ratchet reality TV shows. Read Bossip.

  • kate

    I've had more black than white roommates (I'm white) and they all sounded completely different when they would talk to other black people than when they talked to me. Didn't they know I could hear them??? lol. so weird.
    Also I was always trying to figure out the laugh that black women specifically seem to do as a whole. It's loud but lots of white people also have loud laughs (like myself). I'm pretty sure the main difference is in the pitch. My laugh is loud but it's sorta hearty I guess, whereas black women's seem to be higher in pitch.
    Oh yah one more thing I noticed with my roommates. They always sounded really annoyed or mad even when they weren't. It didn't seem to matter what they were talking about lol. Sometimes white people are intimidated by black women since they seem a bit aggressive to us and I think this must be the reason.
    Although I would say a lot of the stuff on that list white people do too sooo yah….
    Anywho, just my observations, not trying to step on anyones toes or anything.

  • Wolf

    This blog post itself is racist and ignorant.

  • Lucias Potter

    White people love to talk about how racist white people are and how white people don’t get it.

    • yupper

      WHAT?

  • Sana Aliha

    " Either they’re small or their big, either way we’re just wondering how it works."
    What does this even mean? Look, you don't know how to write. Your post is not even funny, it's just racist…

  • whitepride

    Talk about how white people are racist? While you talk about throwing your bills away? No shit we're racist. You literally just admitted how worthless you people really are. Have fun with your dead end job. You welfare abusing leech.

  • ShollIs

    Oh Lawds, it sho'll is hard bein a nigger. We get free food, free housing, free cable, free home phones and free cell phones(thank you King Obama). And we is working on getting free internet and computas for owa chirrens so it be helps dem in skool. But I do agree there be things I don't do's in front of YT's like peel a banana wif my foot, damn yt's owa feets jus beez different den yo;s is you;s don't habs to be callen me a apes 'n sheeit.

  • Arbitrator

    I cannot imagine how white people would be living if they did not capture and trade african people for a few hundred years and force them with voilence into doing work that made them so rich. White bastards. Then they have the nerve to be racist as hell about how a suffering broken people have tried over the years after abolitionment to pick up the pieces and have to get along in a society where they were racially outnumbered, unliked, out gunned, poor, financially starved, treated like shit. Then the whites sit there and make fun of how blacks do and say culturally introverted things and have a sub culture that whites are not privvy to. I wonder why there are gangs and violence in poorer inner city areas?

    • http://www.tipthedriver.com raiden

      Without Blacks as slaves America would look like Canada but the Blacks of the world would still be in Africa throwing sticks at each other. I mean would you really rather live in the Congo right now? Talk all the shit about Whites that you want but Whites brought civilization to Africa. It'd just be a shithole without Western influence.
      My recent post ★ WordPress, Adam left a message for you

    • yupper

      You are a total 100% homo.

  • Arbitrator

    Maybe because no one from there can get good jobs because in order to get a good job you need tons of shit to get you there… you need to have nice clothes that are "white style" like khakis and button ups, have a nice resume on expensive paper, talk properly, be cleanely groomed such that white folks accept your haircut. OMG its hard to come from a neighborhood where that look will get your ass whooped by fellow blacks, then try and escape and get onto a bus just to go to a suburb to try and get a nice office job.

  • Arbitrator

    White people dont think about all that stuff, they just sit there and poke fun and make up stereo types and not help at all. Why would they help though, some of them are lazy as shit and wouldnt want hard working black folks to outwork them. I went to school with some damn hardest working people Ive ever met and those people were black. I know one who came rigth from Africa who could work you me and 90% of the whites out there right out of a job. I met another guy who just graduated from Columbia University. He is an investment banker now. So im getting sick of people who hate on all black people.

  • Arbitrator

    Leave them the F*^k alone because one day you white people will be so sorry when there are more African Americans than your stupid white asses. Guess what? There is alot of money coming into the coffers of black folks kids that are superstars and those people are going to change the shit out of the world. Like for example Jay z and Beyonce' kids, Pres. Obama and 1st lady Michelle's kids, Will and Jada's kids. Those kids are going to do some extremely either anit racist and/or biased favoring black culture growth things in their lifetimes. You whites better chill because there is a serious movement happening and you all so racist its going to take you by surprise.

    • yupper

      Your a RACIST white hating assbag. What does it mean when you say" white people are gonna be sorry"? I don't think your helping your people with comments like that. And I don't know where you get your ideas from but you sound like a fuckin retard! How do you even get up in the morning being sooooooo racist? Why do you blame everyone else for your shortcomings in life? If you have a mirror look in it and see that sad ,mad ,lazy ,angry person looking back at you? That person is the reason why you are in the position your in. I'm so sick of the shitty lazy black people dragging down the awesome, hard working, honest ,black people in this country!!!!

  • Arbitrator

    They should make an Afircan Amercian studies class in every school mandatory so that whites kids and all kids can learn just how hard it is for these people in today's and yesterday's worlds so that more racist white people dont get bred to become so ignorant of the hard facts of growing up as a black person (upper, middle or lower class) in this messed up place called USA. Right now there are people mixing and having all types of mixed babies, so this racial stuff will come to a close in the next 200 years or so when most of us are brown like I am (I myself am mixed/ underrepresented minority but not black). God I cant wait for that to happen so people can stop being kids and work together as Americans. Wasting so much time being childish dick564ds but guess what, when stuff like Boston Marathon bombings/when you are on a plane hijacked by terrorists, that white or black guy next to you that looks American, yeah that guy will be your best friend until that event is over and that petty racist bullstuff will not even enter your mind when its happeningand you both return to your separate worlds when you are safe.

    • yupper

      you are a douche bag! Oh my goodness, you are a white sellout whimp. I am positive you have no backbone or guts. Why are you so quick to sell out your own race? Why are you so afraid to say how you really feel? One question for you, now answer it truthfully……… " If you are so above white people and your so quick to love all the other races but your own, then why don't you move into a black neighborhood and attend a black church and send your kids to an all black school?" oh I see now it's a different story. You are a hypocrite and a coward.

  • Arbitrator

    And you wont be calling him a "ni99er" then Ill bet when he is saving your life or you are saving his life. Gosh I hope that there are very few doctors out there who are racist whites because they would do what? If they were like people making racist comments (downrigth abhorent sick mean comments) they would what? let the black patient die? Are they inhumane? Where does the racism end? Are you going to continue to be racist when a black firefighter saves your white daughter out from a burning middle class house you live in? White trash people, work on a tan, not your toughness on internet sites you sick little peons. No wonder some black people purposely talk in the most ignorant ways to piss you off. If I was having to deal with you saying such racist things behind my back, I would hate you white's too. I dont hate so I cant. So tough you can get on internet sites and badmouth people but I doubt you would dare say anything in real life situation. You make people hateful like yourselves. If you dont like my grammatical/spelling mistakes piss off.

    • http://www.tipthedriver.com Raiden

      I used to get called "white boy" all the time. I asked someone who said it how they'd like it if I called them "black boy." They didn't like it. Someone else called me cracker one day and I said "Do you see a whip? No, so shut the fuck up."
      My recent post ★ WordPress, Adam left a message for you

  • Ignant

    this is what happens when ignorance is compiled

  • http://www.tipthedriver.com Raiden

    I have Black friends that act like everyone else, you know: people. They have normal families, they never ever watch BET, they listen to hardcore, have tattoos, speak grammatically and annunciate everything the right way, they avoid crap food. Then there's the list above. I know tons of Blacks like that, too. It's like every stereotype we get in trouble for saying, even though everyone knows it's true. I got called racist once for asking if all Blacks like fried chicken. It's a question. I didn't ask if they all like working in fields or something like that, but it's safe to say yeah, they do like fried chicken. Most love rap, most wear clothes funny on purpose, most use Ebonics, it's called being ethnocentric. I think it's stupid because Blacks are the ONLY race that do this: they watch Black shows, read Black magazines, listen to Black music, eat Black food, dress and talk in a Black way, then tell everyone they want society to treat them the same as everyone else. Everyone else is busy enjoying life together. Blacks seem to want everyone to know they're NOT part of society. I just don't get it.

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  • yupper

    you forgot the one most important one……….. "you all wish you were WHITE" !!! thats why your so hooked on talking about and thinking about whitey all the time. You know it's true!!!! And I will let you in on a secret. All white people wish you were white also.

  • tnk

    This article is retarded. It's a secret like that loud ass conversation you were having in public is a secret.

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  • http://www.streetdirectory.com/businessfinder/company/3550/Electronic_Whiteboard/ streetdirectory

    The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesn’t disappoint me just as much as this particular one. After all, I know it was my choice to read, but I truly believed you would have something interesting to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of complaining about something you could possibly fix if you weren’t
    too busy looking for attention.streetdirectory

  • Shirky

    Lol I’m middle eastern but I be doing dat shit 2. “Google phone numbers u don’t recognize”
    LMAO!!!! Good one brother.

  • Stephen Ross

    We Did not steal the word swag
    And why do black people stare at white people’s butts

  • http://bajubayilucue.wordpress.com Jacinto Corning

    Wow, amazing blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your web site is excellent, as well as the content!. Thanks For Your article about 30 Things Black People Do When Nobody’s Watching – SBM .

  • https://www.facebook.com/groups/1398522057032226/ Rhonda

    Hi everyone, I've created a new Facebook Group called "Black People Do Great Things". Please join my group and post positive news about any minority group. Let's uplift each other and show our youth they can be proud of who we as a people are!

  • http://Mail.com Black person

    This is so true

  • Kate

    What's the big whoopie about eating fried chicken? My southern white mama fried up a chicken all the time, usually two at a time, and fed the pieces to her southern white husband and all of us children.

  • john

    develop thick skin? yeah…like you can get shittier one…
    dumb niggers. This only shows how animals you are.

  • Atlanta

    Pfffft… Black people do all this stuff on the train in atlanta. Don’t need to be private. And yes. I saw a black woman heating up fried chicken with a lighter on the train.

  • Magare

    That was awesome to read about 30 things blacks do when they ain’t being watched,coz i also am a black lady and and i’m very much delighted coz it’s da truth. I guess we are the free spirit.Hope to read more and more about us.and bring more and more articles.

  • Supreme

    How original. Way to keep it real yo.

  • house boy

    One question how come Americans don’t love house music as much as South Africans?

  • Nate Higgers

    One thing blacks always do when everyone IS watching: act like typical ni99ers.

  • Nate Higgers

    One more to add. The one thing blacks can’t ever seem to do, no matter how hard they try (and let’s all be truthful here, they really don’t even try): act like an evolved, civilized human being. They had the acting part down back in the 60′s in a way, but they don’t even try to fool us anymore. They don’t care how subhuman they appear to everyone.

  • Mr. Cooper

    Poor sod. He thinks all this crap is special.