I might owe women an apology. I’ve spent the majority of my writing career operating under the assumption that women have a larger population of ‘good’ men to choose from than bad. I recognize the term good is subjective but here’s the thing about that subjectivity: if the persons dating the population of people we are discussing believe they don’t have a lot of good to choose from within that population, whether they are right or wrong doesn’t matter if they believe it’s true based on their experiences. You can call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but today I’ve chosen to analyze another aspect.
What if they’re right?
Background: One thing I’ve noticed about anything related to relationships is whenever you make a list of positive attributes reportedly found in a desirable mate, people automatically assume or proclaim they possess all those positive attributes. It doesn’t matter if they’re single ranging to married. This, however, by the law of averages alone, among any number of other variables, is impossible. People believe they possess the positive attributes without requiring any confirmation about whether they really do.
For example, does merely believing you’re a good singer make you a good singer? In my opinion, the true measurement is what other people think. Believing internally with all your heart that you can sing means you have high self-esteem and belief in your abilities. However, if the majority disagrees, your belief in your singing abilities will not be enough for you to succeed. I used “singing” to be objective, but you can basically apply this to any attribute someone believes they possess, but the majority of people disagree with their own self-assessment.
While it’s happened a number of times before, here and abroad, I observed this most recently on two posts one by Slim Jackson, Do Men Ever Step Up Without Women’s Expectations and another by Dr. J on Michelle Obama. As I read the comments, confused by some points more than others, I began to notice a couple themes that I hadn’t considered before. First, despite all the changes between the dynamics of men and women that occurred since the beginning of time, most women still expect/prefer men to lead in the courtship process. This lead to yet another realization…
Maybe Women Have Less Good Men to Choose From: I’ve touched on this idea before in a post I wrote on marriage rates in our community; however, rather than quote statistics I’m going to operate on these more recent realizations.
Speaking for self, I believe the majority of women I have to choose from are ‘good’ women. This means, if I approach 10 women, I believe about 7 – 8 of these women have the potential to be girlfriend material, at minimum. Please note, girlfriend material does not equate to wife material but it is obviously a key component in the progression. I always assumed this ratio was fairly relative to women’s dating experience. I don’t know why I assumed this when the protests of women never validated my opinion but regardless, the other day I asked women the inverse: If 10 random men approached you, how many of them would be, at minimum, boyfriend material?
I received responses from women (judging by their Avis anyway) of varying racial background and one thing was consistent; it was rarely above 50%. A few were as low as 2 out of 10 or 1 out of 10. That means in these women’s lifetime, less than 50% and in some cases as low as 10% of men were even viable candidates to date. If true, this is why I owe women an apology. That was never my assumption and why I believed some women were simply entertaining poor choices in the men they date. I still believe this is the culprit in some instances, but maybe it’s because they don’t have enough ‘good’ ones to choose from in the first place?
I thought about this more but I couldn’t understand why the ratio is so low for so many women. Keeping my introduction in mind, let’s assume these women, based on their experiences, are correct that more nonviable men approach them than viable. The following are a few reasons I came up with.
- The dynamics of dating. I approach women, albeit very lazily, but I do approach them. I theorize that I inadvertently skew my odds of success by approaching women I’m already attracted to. Conversely, (most) women wait to be approached, which means they have to weed through men they are not even attracted to in the first place. This initial lack of attractiveness may be overcome, but it still affects their pool of viable candidates since all men are free to approach them not just the men they are interested in.
- Maybe women are pickier than men? I’m picky but not really. My minimal requirements is a list maybe three things long on a good day, and it’s a weighted list at that. If you’re highly attractive, you’ve already got a head start. I’m not saying men shouldn’t expect more, but I have noticed a pattern of men expecting less from women than women expect from men. For example, I know far more women that prefer to date a college educated man than men that prefer a college educated woman. Every (nonnegotiable) standard someone has reduces, sometimes exponentially, their dating options. Therefore, since women tend to have more, maybe their dating pool is smaller?
- There are more viable women than viable men, period. I’m too lazy to research statistics today, but it is my understanding there are more women than men on Earth and in most major cities. Accounting for jail and death, which disproportionately affects men in general and black men specifically (which most of our readership dates), this ratio is even further skewed.
However, none of these points are important to how I’m going to end this post. I had a debate with my friend-girl one day about her odds of success versus mine. At the time, I assumed we had the same odds of initially meeting a good man/woman. What I told her favored me – and she did not like, at all – is that even if we both met a good man/woman at the exact same time, the odds were in my favor that my good woman would be far more likely than her good man to be willing to be in a committed relationship. Beyond all the skewed theories I outlined above, even good men, relative to good women, are less likely to commit on the same time line. It should be no mystery to anyone that men marry later. Further, if I want things to progress: initial approach > exclusive commitment > marriage, I’m the driving force since I am the one asking each time; granted she doesn’t have to say yes.
Questions for the readers: 1) Do you believe there are less good men (viable dating partners) to choose from in the dating population? If yes, how do you/did you overcome the odds? 2) Why do you believe there are less good men for women to choose from than good women for men to choose from? 3) Ladies, if 10 random men approached you, how many of them would be, at minimum, boyfriend material? Fellas, if you approached 10 women, how many of them would be, at minimum, girlfriend material?