Home Featured Defending a Man’s Right to Choose: Combating the Female Fear of Rejection

Defending a Man’s Right to Choose: Combating the Female Fear of Rejection

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This is going nowhere...

I’ll be doing a few posts on combating the female fear of rejection over the next few weeks. This is my first installment, I’m not sure how many posts will be published but it will be poignant. The series originates from my belief that there needs to be something said about how men fear breaking things off with women because of the way they’ll react to rejection.

Over the course of time women find themselves within a spectrum of decisions to make with their dating life. The biggest decision they’ll always have to make is how far to extend themselves without a significant commitment from a man. Fine, if you think that works, run with it. I’ll be perfectly honest, it doesn’t work that way. Any man who commits to a woman without knowing fully what he’s getting himself into is a fool. Within the past week as I did my research and polling for this article, I received this advice from a friend of mine, “A woman shouldn’t do anything for a man until he expresses genuine interest.” In other words, she thinks that everything in a relationship should be, “Man first, woman second.” I replied, “That’s a horrible idea when it comes to me. I’m all about mutual interest.”

This cat and mouse game comes from the fact that when women overextend themselves to men, they sometimes get rejected. Women feel that if they approach a man at a bar, he’ll assume that they are loose or easy. I don’t agree with women approaching men, but I surely don’t think every woman that has approached me has been easy or loose. Moreover, the reason why women hold back during the courting stage, whether it’s emotional, mental, or physical is because they feel that if they give a man everything, they’ll be left with nothing. Nobody likes to go “All-In” and then end up empty handed. To me, this is a fear of rejection. It’s also a dynamic that really has to stop. Just like a woman has a right to reject a man after she’s seen all he has to offer, a man should have the same rights. Lastly, if a man does not seize his right, then he renders himself defenseless in a relationship destined to fail.

There are tons of ways that men reject women all the time. I’m going to focus on the three that don’t necessarily mean that the women are inadequate or there is something inherently wrong with them. I think it would be best if I focused on the areas where mature adults should be able to agree, a man has a right to choose.

Just because you find Mr. Perfect, doesn’t mean he views you as Mrs. Perfect

By far this is the dynamic that plagues the Black dating community the most. It’s the belief that once a woman identifies her Mr. Perfect, he should in turn think she’s his Mrs. Perfect. I would counter you with, just because you think he’s your Mr. Perfect and you think you would be perfect for him, does not make you Mrs. Perfect. There’s plenty people walking around today who think they have the skills to run for President or be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company. If you aren’t doing that right now, there’s not much proof that you can do it later. As a woman decides that she’s found Mr. Perfect, she has to understand that she may not appear to be his Mrs. Perfect. Therefore, he concludes it probably won’t work.

Just because you overextend yourself, doesn’t mean he should be subject to a lifetime of unhappiness

Most times when relationships are failing women like to point to all the things they did to make the relationship work. I always counter by saying, “If you don’t go All-In then what are you doing anyway?” But really, this entire phenomenon could be easily replied to with, “Well, join the club.” Men have been overextending themselves for years. They’ve been championed in the courting process. (Championed merely means they are traditionally responsible for leading.) The way it works for men is that we give all we can and we lay it on the table and then we ask you to decide. If you say no, then he has to accept your decision and walk away. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. You gave him your all and showed him that you were willing to give him the world? That’s great, just cause it didn’t work for him, doesn’t mean that’s a bad approach. Stay the course!

Just because you have self-esteem, doesn’t mean that he has to sacrifice his own

A man needs to have a little self-esteem in order to make it out here in the world. What that really means is that he’s got to make a decision with where his expectations with woman meet what he should realistically deserve in a woman. I’ll tell a personal story. I found myself courting this young lady for a few months and I’m chasing her around this great city we call, DC. I would make it a point to call and set up frequent plans, I didn’t fall off the map from time to time, I stayed steady and focused. For the life of me, I couldn’t get this young lady to respond favorably to my advances. (Let me be clear, we went out on about 6-8 dates. I said, “Favorably,” meaning it wasn’t going anywhere.) What was the problem? My friends all said that I could do better, that I deserved better and that if at no point she was ready to catch on and move the relationship, I should walk.

I’m being nice, for all intents and purposes of this post it’s really not necessary for me to share her stats versus mine. The only stat that was important was that I was chasing and she was not responsive. At a certain point, I realized something, there’s a shortage of successful Black men in this city who are willing to court a woman and even share the outlook of a monogamous relationship. I met up with her for drinks one evening and laid this out on the table. I said in a version of these exact words,

“I’m not trying to be cocky or conceited, but I just know that there aren’t too many brothers like myself around these parts. I know enough to also know that I deserve better. I deserve to get a return phone call when I call. I deserve to know that a man who’s willing to take you out and build with you is more important than your addiction to nightlife. I’m man enough to know that I deserve a woman and not some girl who isn’t ready to grow up.”

After that, I stepped off and never spoke to her again.

The problem in these situations is that most men fear walking away because of how women tend to react to rejection. It’s supposedly part of a man’s creed to know that he will experience rejection at some point in his life. I used to always think that women were much more accustomed to rejection than men. However, I know now that they are only cool with rejection when it makes sense to them. If he has a girlfriend or he’s emotionally unavailable… cool. However, if he’s single and looking, then “why not me?”

That’s the source of anger and frustration for women. They want to know why not them. Truth be told, the expectation that just because you express interest or allow him to court you means that he’s stuck with you for life is just too much.

“He led me on.” He was supposed to do that, go hard or go home. You did too, he thought you were a great match for him. Turns out, you weren’t.

“There are plenty of men who would love to have me.” That’s cool boo boo, those guys are still single. Have a MeetUp.

“I was willing to give him everything.” Oh brother…

I’m just joking, don’t get mad at me. The takeaway: if a man doesn’t want to be with you, even if he has up until this very point told you that he wanted a future with you, walk away. You don’t want to be with a man who isn’t sure if you’re right for him, you want a man who wants to be with you. End of story.

– Dr. J

Comment(56)

  1. Love this. Great post. Really, great post.

    My only food for thought is the level of "L" taken in a "dating/courting loss" vs a "relationship loss". Men are more inclined to suffer from a greater # of the former, women the latter, but I would argue that the latter is worse, hence women's inherent fear-even though women vs men handle it differently. For instance, a "relationship L" for a woman we often 'chalk up to the game', while a "relationship L' for a dude might result in a "Girlfriend Zero"- type effect. Another factor to consider is time. Time isn't as much of an issue for men the way it is for women, and our losses usually have some time factor involved. Yes, I understand I wasn't 'marriage material', great- but it took yoou two years t figure that out? That sort of thing.

    Not arguing your points, just a thought or two.

    1. A woman has more to lose in a relationship than a guy does during courtship or the dating process? I wanna +1 it I think it'll be interesting hearing the commetary.

    2. Amaris you said a word right there….TIME is Everything…because it's one of those things that once it's gone, you cannot get it back. So when people feel like a significant amnt of time was wasted on someone, that is a huge L for them and they take it real personal.

    3. I just wanted to expound, because I don't want it to seem like women "lose out on more" specifically. I agree with J that we should talke more "courtship L's", and date more people. The problem we women tend to have is we will go on one or two dates, figure out we get along, drop ALL other interested parties and go full-throttle on a hedge bet. Hence, we have more emotionally invested in a shorter period of time. If men took the same constant EMOTIONAL hits, we would have more examples like the one J gave above, with the speech. My reaction to male rejection changed dramatically when I took a hard stance to CONTINUE dating untill I was officially 'titled'. You drop off the face of the earth for a month? I may not notice. Only a texter? Don't worry, SOMEONE'S talking to me on the phone. You want to act like I'm disposable? Fine, I'll just dispose of you. I take more chances, I take more 'L's", but my feelings aren't crushed. Good stuff, J.

  2. A woman shouldn’t do anything for a man until he expresses genuine interest.” In other words, she thinks that everything in a relationship should be, “Man first, woman second.” I replied, “That’s a horrible idea when it comes to me. I’m all about mutual interest.”

    This.

  3. This is an AMAZING article and made for a good read.

    I love how honest and straight forward the ending was. My question is this…how does a man behave after the fact? The woman is perfect (thinks about an earlier post this week) he knows he wants to be with her, she went all-in, what's going on in his mind and what does he do?

    I personally think if a woman is going all in and thinks she's a CEO/future Fortune 500-aire it most certainly should make the guy realize like hey, maybe my habits and mentality need to change. I think if a woman goes all in to set a bar for a guy and she's got it all going on, nothing in the world would make her happier than to see a guy try. Just. TRY. I think it's an insecurity of if he's willing to put himself and his pride out there after she set a bar than it is fear of him outright saying no.

    Hearing a guy say 'no' or 'I can't' or more pathetically, 'I won't' is scary because the woman realizes her entire life is based on a mistake.

  4. I just want to say I can't give any life-experienced commentary on this, but I appreciate the perspective and will log this in "Things I'll Need to Read When I Begin Dating" file.

    Gracias Dr. J!!

  5. great post Dr. J, you got another hit, #BarryBonds

    but you know…

    “I’m not trying to be cocky or conceited, but I just know that there aren’t too many brothers like myself around these parts. I know enough to also know that I deserve better. I deserve to get a return phone call when I call. I deserve to know that a man who’s willing to take you out and build with you is more important than your addiction to nightlife. I’m man enough to know that I deserve a woman and not some girl who isn’t ready to grow up.”"

    ^^ that's gonna get you in trouble, although…quite honestly…its the truth. 'specially if you're being the stand-up guy.

    1. I think the post was great and I agree with most of it. But I think what you said to her was not on point. Youre contradicting yourself a little here. Just because you were willing to do what other guys won’t, actively court a woman, doesn’t mean she owes you attention. And it doesnt make her immature. It means your ego got tired and you decided to lash out at her. She just wasnt that into you.

      1. I concur. It seemed like he didn't respect Her right to choose. Isn't He offering the very same attitude and approach that he admonishes in women. Or is it because he views the odds are in his favor, he has more of a right to be this way than she.

  6. Great post Doc J….but hey, wasn't it you who said months ago u weren't doing anymore "relationship/dating man vs woman post and you would leave that to the other guys???? Just curious, not complaining and glad u changed your mind. Welcome back to the wonderful world of love & relationships….*smile*
    Actually women men and women lose in relationships they give their all in. Here's the thing: typically women give heart, mind, body and soul. Giving your heart, time, attention, and a huge part of yourself is A Lot! As Amaris mentioned in her post, time is the huge factor to consider in this. Yes if not much time has been put into the relationship then no harm no foul, it's cool, u can fairly quickly and easily KIM. However if we're talking about a long-term relationship, a marriage, and particularly a long relationship where you lived with the person that L is Huge and the feeling of rejection and emotional scars that leaves is Huge.
    Also everyone is different. Some people generally just trust other people immediately until they prove to be untrustworthy, and they give a lot and "go all in" immediately until they feel their kindness is being taken advantage of, and they are being used, and abused in said relationship.
    This type of thing happens a lot nowadays just in society generally speaking. From what I see and personal experience there are more people who take a lot more than they give, and/or who take as long as you give, and give you nothing in return.
    Now typically many men give a lot of time and money in dating and relationships. I think with men the time and money is first, then later if they are really feeling a woman and start trippin & fallin then the heart follows. Money you can make more of, time no u can't get it back but during the time of courtship was your heart really in it? Again remember I said in a previous post that in most serious relationships the woman's main goal is to get a ring and be wifed up…Real Talk. Not too many women are cool to just have an extended ongoing "relationship" with a man, even if he is faithful, loyal, true and good. That ring and status means Everything to a woman, and this is in part because it's a societal thing. My African friend told me in his country a woman who isn't a wife and mother is nothing. She has no status and is more liable to be used, abused, and raped. A man, as long as he has money and is a good business man he is cool. A wife and child don't give him any extra special status. Plus his advantage is that he can get any woman he wants and play the field if he has money and is well known in business. Now yes most men do want heirs to carry on their legacy, so the woman serves that purpose as being the one to bear him children. My friend also said in Zimbabwe where he is from if a woman is infertile and cannot bear children a man can quickly divorce her and no man will marry her and she is looked down on in their society.
    I say all that to point out the differences in how men and women think about relationship and the differences in what they want. And I'm not saying men who are in serious relationships don't want to get married too…but understand it's slightly different for women. Besides the whole societal views we deal with, not to mention the flack we get from family and friends, women only have a certain window to safely and fairly easily bear children. Yes women can go thru in-vitro and other procedures to conceive after child-bearing age and menopause, however imo thats not safe for the body. I believe the Creator purposefully designed us physically to conceive and have children by a certain age, after that age a womans body prepares to not have children. There is a reason for this. Even if someone gets pregnant at 45 yrs old, think about it, who wants to be 50 with a 5 yr old???? Most aren't pressed to be dads once they are over 40. I hear a lot of men who say they want to have a child while they are young so they can physically be able to do all the things they want to with that child and have the energy to deal with them. I'm not a mom but I know from experience kids are a lot….when they are very young they can quickly and easily drain all your energy. They are not easy to keep up with, so the younger you are, the better. ijs

  7. So Doc J, while I agree with your principle's, and I to think that you shouldn't do anything you dont' want to do and you shouldn't be with anyone you don't want to be with, I ask you to consider the reasons why women react as they do to being rejected by a man they thing is "the one" for them. Whether it's right or wrong, it makes sense why this is.
    But u are right in that men shouldn't stay with a woman in a relationship they feel is going nowhere.
    I tell my guy friends this all the time – Don't sleep with a woman u do not want to at the very least be in a long-term relationship with, and don't say anything u don't mean and aren't 100% sure about, don't make promises you aren't 100% sure u can keep, and don't stay for too long and linger with a woman u don't want to wife in the near future.
    Honestly, you should know how you feel and what you want. If you don't what does that say about you as a person? Now if you know your the type of man who could be feeling a woman today, and for whatever reason that could change then tell her that. Let her know that you can be indecisive about your feelings and they tend to change quickly. Tell her not to take it to personal if after a period of time u decide your not feeling her. Give her the choice to deal with that or not.
    Forreal, it Should Not take you many months or years to figure out that the person your with is not the one for you. The second you know it should be expressed honestly and openly to that person.
    But again if we're just talking about a few dates then that's a whole nother story. Still, the sooner you let the person know how u really feel the better.
    Many times people make the mistake of not saying anything for fear of hurting the other persons feelings and especially men, not wanting to deal with the potential wrath of the woman when he rejects her.
    Stop being "scurred." Be honest and however that person takes it is on them. As long as ur delivery is the truth and your being tactful that's what matters most, imo. But to not say anything and foolishly linger on in a relationship with someone u know good and hell well ur not feeling makes you look crazy.
    And I know u didn't mention it Doc J, but lets not forget the men who stay in relationships with women they really don't wanna be with and have no intentions on staying with long term much less marrying for purely selfish reasons. For example, staying with a woman because her "head game is priceless", the sex is off the chain, she has a child by you and you don't want or can't afford to pay child support, she can cook and clean and she takes care of you, she looks better than Beyonce, she knows people u want to know and can help u business-wise etc etc etc. So sometimes it's not so much the rejection that pisses people off, but feeling like they were used, abused, and their time, energy, and love were foolishly wasted.

    1. why is it always time/love/energy “wasted”. Thats such a cynical viewpoint alot of women have. Isnt a relationship a worthy investment? I value my time, i value my money however both of which are well worth spending even if the woman doesnt end up mrs tristan. I got exes who say things like that and it always bothers me, it didnt end like you hoped but was it not worth the try? If it wasn’t why even date period?

      1. Women usually use this line when things don’t end on a mutual basis or end with her getting the short end of the stick. For example if you guys had a great run but slowly started falling out of love/like then the whole "wasted time theory won’t apply". But if it a situation where the dude was a dog, or where he stringed her along "like he knew during month 12 that his feelings had changed but stuck around until month 20 because it was convenient, and then he finally leaves her and 3 months later a pic of him and his new fiancé pops up on her fb timeline, then yes she's going to feel like she wasted her time.

    2. Your entire comment. And especially this: “Don’t sleep with a woman u do not want to at the very least be in a long-term relationship with, and don’t say anything u don’t mean and aren’t 100% sure about, don’t make promises you aren’t 100% sure u can keep, and don’t stay for too long and linger with a woman u don’t want to wife in the near future.
      Honestly, you should know how you feel and what you want. If you don’t what does that say about you as a person?”

      I stay telling my guy friends this bc no man likes to be strung along, but women hate this to the core. Like, don’t waste a woman’s time, dude.

      I dated someone that told me if he didn’t know if he wanted to marry someone by one year in, he’d end it as to not waste her or his time. Bc really, by a certain age, you aren’t going to learn anything significantly new after a year. I appreciated his honesty and kept that in mind. So when he started talking rings and marriage 6 mos in and I wasn’t completely sure, I gave him the same courtesy. And you know, to date, that is the most mature and amiable breakup I’ve had. Lol. Neither of us felt any resentment toward the other, and I think if ppl (men) were just honest like that all the time, the world would be a better place. Lol

      1. "…and I think if ppl (men) were just honest like that all the time, the world would be a better place. Lol "

        Agreed! lol

  8. Now in defense of men I will say this, women have to start choosing better men and stop giving their all in all to the wrong type of men for the wrong reasons. I admit sometimes it's hard to see that he is the wrong man in the very beginning, but ladies once u see it be out. One of my girlfriends admitted this to me – she was a great and submissive wife to her ex-husband who cheated on her and had a baby with another woman while they were married. However, she later realized that her mistake was "submitting to the wrong man for the wrong reasons." I reminded her that him cheating and getting the girl pregnant could be looked at as a blessing because she was able to rush the divorce since it was easy to prove he cheated and got another woman pregnant, and he couldn't get her 401K money and her benefits she was entitled to get from serving in the Navy. So in the end, she learned a very valuable life lesson and is very happy now.

  9. I run into this problem a lot. I’ll enter a situation with a goal in mind but it doesnt take much for me to call an audible and change my approach altogether. I may have shown interest in February but if its May and i havent gave any indication of that interest then its probably never going to happen. I’m the type to jump right in early because i know im the type that knows when to fold em and fall back. Some women havent grasped that concept, they rather not accept defeat and remain in denial like Oprah and her OWN network. Yes you invested alot of time and energy but when he is no longer interested, are you chasing him or your losses.

    1. "Are you chasing him or your losses." < – post-worthy by itself

      I'm in agreement w/ you on this. I try not to put things on a timeline, but progression is my main indicator of whether I stay or go. I think men and women sometimes qualify progress differently, which in turn gives the woman the illusion that as long as dude stays around, there is/will besome progress. Street Dreams

      But at the same time, I'm very linear in my approach to a relationship. If I don't whole-heartedly like you, it'll be tough for me to love you; no matter how much time we spend together. In my experience, women will hold out for that type of connection to manifest itself until A) something better comes along and they bow out confidently (thus avoid rejection) or B) if the dude gets tired of being humble and gives the speech Dr. J gave in his story.

      Like Dr. J stated though, rejection is usually only acceptable for women when it makes sense to them or it's manipulated in a way that'll make it seem mutual.
      My recent post 5 Solid Friendships You Should Have by 30

  10. I was with this post until you got to the real-life scenario where you all but contradicted your whole point. This post is about a man’s right to choose or prefer not deal with or committ to a woman he doesn’t feel is right for him or isn’t interested in….but in your scenario, while your “I think I deserve better” speech was all good and well, could that situation not have also been a case where the girl you were “chasing” simply wasn’t interested?

    1. ..And if so, then your reaction/speech was characteristic of the same types of self-righteous reactions women give when, as you said, their self-appointed Mrs. Perfect status isn’t automatically accepted by a man they think is their Mr. Perfect. In short, I think women shouldn’t assume they won’t be rejected just bc they have it all together and men shouldn’t assume that a woman should respond to him with interest just bc HE has it all together.

      1. Yeah, what she said! I totally agree Mic. I was thinking the same thing when I read that particular part. At the end of the day, "stats" while important, simply aren't everything. He was essentially assuming that because of his stats, or his self-proclaimed rarity, that she should be interested. I saw that as a contradiction as well.

    2. Only problem was this… she came back trying to actually get with me. Basically, she never factored into the equation that i'd stop chasing. She got rejected in the end. It would be different if she was like, "Yeah Jay, I actually am not interested." She just was wack, that's all.

      1. Have you considered maybe you gave her something to think about? Is that necessarily fair to expect someone to have an attraction to you at the same time you them? What you saw of her was sufficent enough to move forward but maybe it took that kind of asserting on your part for her to reciprocate.

  11. Rejection, sucks. I thought I would get that out of the way. Men are more likely to hedge their bet by dating multiple women and having sex on reserve. Women, traditionally, have taken themselves out of the game only picking one option and fully fleshing it out. So women not wanting to be classified as a slut are going to be sodium-enriched if this dude has added to that # and it doesn't work out. Not right or wrong but just what it is. Now, real talk does favorable response = "what that mouth/vag do tho" because she was still taking your calls and showing up, maybe she was a texter?
    – devil's advocate.

  12. I def agree with the main point of this post…men have a right to end a relationship at any point regardless of what the reason is. "I no longer want this" is good enough for both women AND men.

    I think the problem really lies here: Too many women (not all) have a "THIS IS IT!" #MJ mentality waaaaaay too soon. Whereas men keep the "let's see where this goes" mentality waaaaaaaaaaaay longer. I think us ladies need to chill on that. Even if you're official, take the proper time to determine how far you can go with this person. We end up trying to work through issues we have no business trying to work through cause, in our minds, "this is it!". Just because you made it to gf/bf status does NOT mean you will…or should…make it to wife/husband status. I think the fellas (for the most part) are on to this….women!?…Not so much. I think this is why we react the way we do when guys leave/opt to date someone else. *shrugs*

    1. Men are reluctant to throw things away, ninjas still have J’s from high school but you think they gonna throw away good gushy that they put in all that work for, nah it aint going down like that. Go green.

  13. The takeaway: if a man doesn’t want to be with you, even if he has up until this very point told you that he wanted a future with you, walk away. You don’t want to be with a man who isn’t sure if you’re right for him, you want a man who wants to be with you. End of story. – this x infinity.

    I think there are a few differences in how men and women date that bring this issue to the forefront more for women than men. I've really only appreciated this recently, but the fact is most women date to find commitment – husband or otherwise; whereas most men date to date, so from the beginning we don't have the same amount of risk on the line. I agree with Tristan's comment that it's very pessimistic to view every encounter with the opposite sex as a waste of time if it doesn't go how you plan, but if I only planned to date you and see where things go and you dated me and planned to see things never end, I can understand why you might be more upset than me if things fail.

    I actually liked your speech to the chick at the end because it did a few things: 1) It's truthful. 2) It set the table of expectations for what you believe you deserve. If she wanted to step up, she would. It appears, she did not. And you moved on. Win some, lose some – even with people you hoped to win with. That's life.

    In my opinion, women are less apt to give this speech for as you said, fear of rejection or even after they give the speech and the man doesnt step up accordingly and give them what they believe they deserve, they still continue to stay. This doesn't make sense. Once you give that speech, in my opinion, things are black and white. There's no more room for grey. I was actually talking to my friend-girl yesterday about a situation women (and men, but less so) seem to always find themselves in. She wanted a relationship with a guy who wasn't offering her a relationship, yet they were doing everything people in relationships do. Similar to your post, I had to make a simple statement, "There is only one person in this interaction getting what they want – and it isn't you." I think women are very good about knowing what they want. Some are even fairly decent at expressing what they want. Whether it's fear of rejection or something else, where many fail – in my opinion – is in accepting less than they want and in most cases deserve. This is all the more interesting, since as some women have argued so far today, their time is more valuable because they work on a different timeline than men (an argument I can agree with).

    My recent post Let the Games Begin: How to Become a Basketball Wife(y)

    1. "I think there are a few differences in how men and women date that bring this issue to the forefront more for women than men. I've really only appreciated this recently, but the fact is most women date to find commitment – husband or otherwise; whereas most men date to date, so from the beginning we don't have the same amount of risk on the line."

      Same thing I said, LMBO! So, that makes this comment 100% CO-RRECT!!!

    2. "but if I only planned to date you and see where things go and you dated me and planned to see things never end, I can understand why you might be more upset than me if things fail. "

      +1

      Couldn't have said it better myself.

    3. "where many fail – in my opinion – is in accepting less than they want and in most cases deserve. "

      Nothing short of the truth.

    4. Wis many women stay in situations like that because sometimes they are very hopeful and want what they want so very badly and want that man so badly they stay and think, (foolishly) that they can be everything he wants and needs and love him to the point that he will eventually fall in love with them. It's foolish because it doesn't happen like that. If no love was there to begin with, time and everything that woman does usually won't make that love come about. it doesn't make a man love the woman enough to give her his heart and love her the way she wants, all he does is take what she gives and enjoys it and keeps doin what he does. The feelings never really change and the woman doesn't get what she wants, his heart.
      But such is life…..sometimes you love people who don't love you back.

    1. Although you weren't talking to me… lol

      I don't agree with it, personally. Not that some women aren't successful with it…there's always exceptions. But, I think it just starts the scales off at the wrong balance from the jump. Although I'm down with all things mutual in relationships, I also think that men have to put in and want to put in work to really appreciate the relationship. If you, a woman, approach him, that's one task he didn't have to do…you're already making things a bit easy for him. If you aren't careful with your next play, you'll end up courting HIM! And that NEVER WORKS…well, not for the woman, lol…

      1. Exactly Cyn and J.
        If the man doesn't approach you, (unless he is seriously very shy and intimidated by you) then how do you know what his intentions are and if he is really into you? Granted he could've initially just talked to you because u looked good and he could be a playa, but at least if nothing else u know he found u attractive, and that's where it all starts for men.

    2. I believe in a woman putting herself in the play of traffic, but approaching should be the man's responsibility. At least that's what my Daddy told me.

      1. True dat true dat. Dudes just need to come correct and females need to be a little more far sighted as to what it means to have such a man approach you. Still though, her trying to help you out and upgrade you = why are you trippin??? Go beyond approaching and reach the bar. Just for the sheer pleasure of it. In general. I'm not saying that towards YOUR particular story I just mean in general. Don't just be better than other black males be great to the woman you're courting and pay attention to her specified desires. It's scary when a dude is like 'I'm great because I think you are. Trust me because I approached you.'

        Her mind: What does that have to with ME, specifically.

    3. Think about it Kryst, you ever watch national geographic on tv? Imagine if the female lion easily backed that azz up on a male lion..he'd be all dazed and confused. He needs to possibly fight off another lion and win her heart and THEN chase her down and smash..lol

  14. The other thing to take away from this is the lack of accountability women have for themselves. A man cant walk away without being considered gay, not man enough to handle commitment, just a dog who cant resist another bone or just full of ish. Sometimes we just want more, sometimes we dont see enough, sometimes its just not time…

    1. "Sometimes we just want more, sometimes we dont see enough, sometimes its just not time… "

      I guess my only question to you is do you SAY that when you do walk away. Like Dr. J said, women can handle rejection better when it makes sense to them. When I break things off with a guy, I tell him exactly why so he never has to wonder. I think women want the same consideration. Otherwise, they will just assume you're gay, commitment-phobic, or a dog (lol j/k).

  15. I absolutely love and hate Dr. J's posts. They are awesome and I definitely enjoy reading them. He always makes valid points and poses very great questions. My problem? They are so thought-provoking that I can never seem to comment concisely. I start to type, either giving affirnations or rebuttals, and before I know it, I've written a full blown essay in APA style with headings and all lol. So instead, I just let it <s>eat me up inside</s> go and cosign on other comments similar to my thoughts. Looking forward to the next installment! 🙂

  16. Really you can skim on down to this: "If a man doesn’t want to be with you, even if he has up until this very point told you that he wanted a future with you, walk away. You don’t want to be with a man who isn’t sure if you’re right for him, you want a man who wants to be with you. End of story."

    Be with someone who wants to be with you. All the rest is white noise.

  17. There’s probably no point in me commenting because, as usual, I’ve never had the mentality youre talking about. I’ve always dated to see where it goes. Never felt I wasted my time. If things don’t go well and he decides he doesnt want me, well thems the breaks. But i do get mad if he doesn’t just say it and tries to drop hints. I like direct. It gives me the opportunity to make a choice and say “you wanna leave? Ok. Goodbye and best of luck to ya”. I love me the most when I say that. No tears, no drama, no accusations. Just ok. Bye. It is dignified. That’s how I told my husband.

    When you tell me straight up and i take it like a woman, you get exactly what you asked for, but not necessarily what you wanted. And that is all the revenge i need.

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