It was very difficult for me to put my finger on what I would discuss in my fourth installment of my series, Combating the Female Fear of Rejection. I knew that I wanted to focus the article around how men play a part in the female’s fear of rejection, but I wasn’t sure how that would manifest itself into a post. It came to me in the second post and also a statement that inspired another post from WisdomIsMisery.
“Men entertain themselves with an image of women that doesn’t reflect reality.”
It became crystal clear that what needed to be done was a moment of introspective reflection into how we, male bloggers, contribute to the female fear of rejection. While I bounced ideas around in my head during the creative process of publishing this post, I realized that we don’t have an accurate image of the women who are reading our blogs.
Here’s a few things we do know:
- Ratchets don’t read.
- Gold-diggers spend time digging for gold, not reading on how to find love.
- Women who are convinced they are doing everything right in their lives are more than likely never going to turn to a blog for an ounce of advice.
With that said, it’s pretty ironic how much effort goes into those three topics. So, how can we fix this? I came up with six key areas that cause male bloggers to continuously miss the target.
1. Failure to give positive feedback
If you are a male blogger who cannot remember one post that you’ve ever written to uplift women, stop blogging. As male bloggers we have to take time out to give positive feedback to women every now and then. We’ve got to give that positive feedback regardless of the fact that she will probably quickly forget it or overlook it entirely.
2. Inability to know what our readers are going through
I’ve written a post that had nothing to do with women and received a comment that turned into the worst tirade I’ve ever heard in my life. It wasn’t just me. Other readers couldn’t figure out where she was coming from or really why she was so mad. I knew what it was. It was that as a blogger you have no clue what’s going on in your readers’ lives. We’re never going to be able to know exactly what word, sentence or reference strikes a chord in a reader. Therefore, we’ve got to be careful not to #react to an angry comment or misdirected criticism.
3. Spotlighting all the wrong women
Let them tell it, every woman is one in a million. In reality, they compare themselves to each other all the time. They don’t want to admit it, that’s fine. Here’s how we as male bloggers screw it up; we have to be mindful of the women we elevate into the spotlight. We can’t spend 95% of all epic debates on the appearance of women while discussing Beyonce vs. Rihanna. That’s counterproductive to any progress made and contributes to women wondering if anyone will ever find them attractive when they don’t look like Rihanna or Beyonce.
4. Reluctance to point out male malfeasance
When men step out of line, male bloggers must make sure that we stand up and speak on what we believe is right. If the men are in the wrong, then let them know or at least let women know that you don’t support male malfeasance. One of my biggest pet peeves about discourse with women is their blind disregard and defense of female malfeasance. They will blindly go wherever they need to go to protect one another. Male bloggers cannot engage in discourse like that. We’re not searching for far outside reasons for why, “homeboy lost his mind and left her at the altar.” We’re not looking for a random reason for the part women played in him ending up the way he is now. We’re just responsible for saying, “look here man, that boy cray.”
5. Blogging for all the wrong reasons
If you’re a male blogger and you’re out here trying to use your blog for sex, shame on you. I’m not going to lie, there are some bloggers whose sole purpose is to trick women into bed. If that’s your gimmick, I won’t knock your hustle, but do me a favor and stop pandering. When you pander for women and tell them what you think they want to hear in exchange for panties, they develop a false sense of self-esteem. When they develop that false sense of self-esteem they find it difficult to understand the reasons why they can find someone to sleep with, but no one to commit to them.
6. Creating a fairy-tale world
My favorite line from Shawshank Redemption is, “I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world.” There’s a bunch of male bloggers in the streets preaching a fairy tale world of sex, dating, and relationships. They are setting women up for failure. They are giving them lists upon lists of what they need to do, or not do to keep men happy. They paint this picture that somehow this one piece of gospel is going to take them to the promised land of love. However, the birds and bees are “no fairy-tale world.”
I’ve been blogging for four or five years, I’ve only tried to approach this game by providing a real perspective on things. In reality, it’s hard, it’s tough and it’s not a nice world when you’re trying to find true love. Everybody experiences success and failure; they go hand in hand. As male bloggers we have to make sure that we put the advice on the table, as passionately as we can, but then walk away. In my last post, I stated, if you notice yourself in my post, think about it. My words aren’t the gospel, they’re supposed to inspire thought. It comes down to this, what we eat don’t make women sh*t. They retain the right to glean what they want from our posts and see if it applies to them. If it doesn’t or they haven’t reached the point in their life where they’re ready to digest that, that is perfectly fine.
Male bloggers rarely have the ability to conceptually see how their words lead to women being scared to put themselves out there. We’re not supposed to cater, coddle, or write our blog posts to women. We should just realize that we play a part in the problem that is, The Female Fear of Rejection. We can help more than we do right now. We can be more honest, we can share more sides of the coin than just the ones we agree with or feel passionately about. Most of all, we can admit that it’s partially our fault, too.
– Dr. J
PS – This is the end of the series, I’m shutting the studio down. Here are links to the other posts.
PPS – I’ve made all of these mistakes. If you want to race into the comments and start preaching about my mistakes, you’ll be preaching to the converted.