Are Male Bloggers Helping or Hurting Women?

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I've actually seen a woman's notepad of notes from Male Blog posts. #TrueStory

It was very difficult for me to put my finger on what I would discuss in my fourth installment of my series, Combating the Female Fear of Rejection. I knew that I wanted to focus the article around how men play a part in the female’s fear of rejection, but I wasn’t sure how that would manifest itself into a post. It came to me in the second post and also a statement that inspired another post from WisdomIsMisery.

“Men entertain themselves with an image of women that doesn’t reflect reality.”

It became crystal clear that what needed to be done was a moment of introspective reflection into how we, male bloggers, contribute to the female fear of rejection. While I bounced ideas around in my head during the creative process of publishing this post, I realized that we don’t have an accurate image of the women who are reading our blogs.

Here’s a few things we do know:

  • Ratchets don’t read.
  • Gold-diggers spend time digging for gold, not reading on how to find love.
  • Women who are convinced they are doing everything right in their lives are more than likely never going to turn to a blog for an ounce of advice.

With that said, it’s pretty ironic how much effort goes into those three topics. So, how can we fix this? I came up with six key areas that cause male bloggers to continuously miss the target.

1. Failure to give positive feedback

If you are a male blogger who cannot remember one post that you’ve ever written to uplift women, stop blogging. As male bloggers we have to take time out to give positive feedback to women every now and then. We’ve got to give that positive feedback regardless of the fact that she will probably quickly forget it or overlook it entirely.

2. Inability to know what our readers are going through

I’ve written a post that had nothing to do with women and received a comment that turned into the worst tirade I’ve ever heard in my life. It wasn’t just me. Other readers couldn’t figure out where she was coming from or really why she was so mad. I knew what it was. It was that as a blogger you have no clue what’s going on in your readers’ lives. We’re never going to be able to know exactly what word, sentence or reference strikes a chord in a reader. Therefore, we’ve got to be careful not to #react to an angry comment or misdirected criticism.

3. Spotlighting all the wrong women

Let them tell it, every woman is one in a million. In reality, they compare themselves to each other all the time. They don’t want to admit it, that’s fine. Here’s how we as male bloggers screw it up; we have to be mindful of the women we elevate into the spotlight. We can’t spend 95% of all epic debates on the appearance of women while discussing Beyonce vs. Rihanna. That’s counterproductive to any progress made and contributes to women wondering if anyone will ever find them attractive when they don’t look like Rihanna or Beyonce.

4. Reluctance to point out male malfeasance

When men step out of line, male bloggers must make sure that we stand up and speak on what we believe is right. If the men are in the wrong, then let them know or at least let women know that you don’t support male malfeasance. One of my biggest pet peeves about discourse with women is their blind disregard and defense of female malfeasance. They will blindly go wherever they need to go to protect one another. Male bloggers cannot engage in discourse like that. We’re not searching for far outside reasons for why, “homeboy lost his mind and left her at the altar.” We’re not looking for a random reason for the part women played in him ending up the way he is now. We’re just responsible for saying, “look here man, that boy cray.”

5. Blogging for all the wrong reasons

If you’re a male blogger and you’re out here trying to use your blog for sex, shame on you. I’m not going to lie, there are some bloggers whose sole purpose is to trick women into bed. If that’s your gimmick, I won’t knock your hustle, but do me a favor and stop pandering. When you pander for women and tell them what you think they want to hear in exchange for panties, they develop a false sense of self-esteem. When they develop that false sense of self-esteem they find it difficult to understand the reasons why they can find someone to sleep with, but no one to commit to them.

6. Creating a fairy-tale world

My favorite line from Shawshank Redemption is, “I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world.” There’s a bunch of male bloggers in the streets preaching a fairy tale world of sex, dating, and relationships. They are setting women up for failure. They are giving them lists upon lists of what they need to do, or not do to keep men happy. They paint this picture that somehow this one piece of gospel is going to take them to the promised land of love. However, the birds and bees are “no fairy-tale world.”

I’ve been blogging for four or five years, I’ve only tried to approach this game by providing a real perspective on things. In reality, it’s hard, it’s tough and it’s not a nice world when you’re trying to find true love. Everybody experiences success and failure; they go hand in hand. As male bloggers we have to make sure that we put the advice on the table, as passionately as we can, but then walk away. In my last post, I stated, if you notice yourself in my post, think about it. My words aren’t the gospel, they’re supposed to inspire thought. It comes down to this, what we eat don’t make women sh*t. They retain the right to glean what they want from our posts and see if it applies to them. If it doesn’t or they haven’t reached the point in their life where they’re ready to digest that, that is perfectly fine.

Male bloggers rarely have the ability to conceptually see how their words lead to women being scared to put themselves out there. We’re not supposed to cater, coddle, or write our blog posts to women. We should just realize that we play a part in the problem that is, The Female Fear of Rejection. We can help more than we do right now. We can be more honest, we can share more sides of the coin than just the ones we agree with or feel passionately about. Most of all, we can admit that it’s partially our fault, too.

- Dr. J

PS – This is the end of the series, I’m shutting the studio down. Here are links to the other posts.

Defending a Man’s Right to Choose: Combating the Female Fear of Rejection
Five Ways Men Contribute To Female Insecurity
Ten Acts of Desperation Women Perform to Keep Mr. Right

PPS – I’ve made all of these mistakes. If you want to race into the comments and start preaching about my mistakes, you’ll be preaching to the converted.

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  • Paul B.

    Well stated. Not much to add there, so I shall not.

  • http://luvandrelationships.com Luvologist

    Very good post. I especially agree with #4 and #5.
    Jeez, I want to add to it but it looks like you covered everything.

    ::thumbs up::
    My recent post I Will Choke The ______ Outta You

  • Alakaii Hawaii

    lol…

    *significantly calms down*

    I was thinking about this for the past few hours. To point 1: I…was a little hurt by the fact that I kinda hoped a community of black men would be the one place in the world I could go where everything isn't wrong with me, or where the good is the most obvious, or where I don't have to be nitpicked or criticised to my deathbed wondering when someone is finally going to understand a quality woman does entirely too much to bear the brunt of a black man's hostility. not even on some desperate ish but as a black woman…I need you.

    It's hurtful. *clears throat and keeps composure* anyway. *reclears throat* It's better when black men are black men and they focus on supporting a black woman. I wish guys would just know how easy it is to lift the world off a woman just by TRULY listening and hearing her. It's nice to be uplifted. Women will struggle for a lifetime to support you.

    • Alakaii Hawaii

      To point 2: lol. I'm just gonna nod my head and not even attempt to explain what good women go through. It's one of those things. It's just one of those things that makes you lose your isht like, do you know how much I do for everyone except myself?? and then it no longer matters because I'd rather just chill out and it be cool and I don't know what a man goes through just like a man won't know what I go through but you can still show love and support and be understanding and make it a better situation for all of us and then I can sit at home in the corner with a kleenex and relish hope in all my lack of fortitude to hold it together, and just feel strength winding up in black men.

      ….lol. chord struck.

      • Alakaii Hawaii

        To point 3: yeah. I mean it's cool to have guys fantasizing about celebrities and models and what not and living their lives to get at women they have no intention of committing to, but honestly. honestly. I wish black men would focus on women who they WOULD commit to and realize what it takes to be a good woman. and uplift her. and praise her and cherish the value and just…it would be nice for your attention and your strength and everything that makes men good and strong to go towards appreciation…..of women who ACTUALLY go through the wringer to be partners for you guys. Just realize. a good woman has to hold you down for a lifetime. a lifetime. …..a lifetime. imagine how she needs you and let THAT be your fairytale and fantasy.

        and yes. PLEASE tell your boys to recognize because *I* have the responsibility of telling society you're a better man than the stereotypes.

  • SMilez_920

    Definitely agree.

    I think all relationship bloggers (male or female) have played a role in the whole help vs. hurt syndrome that their female audience goes through. I think some male bloggers go overboard, woman bashers. They’re basically acting as the male version of the “man hater” the woman who writes about how all men are dogs, how there are no good men etc…

    For the good male bloggers I think they fall short of supporting women all the way because of the audience that they are catering too. Most women go on these blogs looking for advice on what they are doing wrong, not on what they are doing right. So the male bloggers give the people what they want. I also think that the tone some male bloggers have when they are giving that “tough love” kind of advice comes off as if they are trying to down play women when it’s just that their serious about giving you an honest upfront answer.
    Overall I guess male bloggers have to focus on creating that balance between tough love and positive reinforcement.

  • jwoodny

    I think the question of "help" vs "hurt" can be based alot on the delivery and less about the intent behind your opinion. Baring in mind this isn't a how-to guide on what women do wrong. The "black male perspective" cover a wealth of topics and opinions. If readers take it in another way, they may need to re-read what the writer actually says, instead of projecting or reaching. For example: what Mr. Spradley did with the Single Sam series was an objective approach in addressing general bad decision-making. It wasn't about bashing a woman or exposing her vulnerabilities by absolving the guys she came across. He used prose to illustrate what another writer may have written about in 1st person narrative. And his vivid, ubiquitous delivery was well-received by both genders in the comment sections.

    "As male bloggers we have to make sure that we put the advice on the table, as passionately as we can, but then walk away. In my last post, I stated, if you notice yourself in my post, think about it."

    Female bloggers don't have this hang up to worry about. Irony at its finest. But I've sat back and read the comment sections on some posts and it really seemed like if a post struck a nerve with a reader, they took it personal and went way left. Which inevitably turns into asking #whohurtyou. You can't really win for losing. As long as you got your point across in a manner that you deemed accurate and honest, it's all you can do.
    My recent post Saying Yes and No To Experience The Life You Want

    • Bree

      "You can't really win for losing. As long as you got your point across in a manner that you deemed accurate and honest, it's all you can do"
      This I totally agree with. Folks need to realize these are the opinions of a few black men, not All or black men. To a degree it does hurt and help, but however people take what you put out there isn't your fault. Once you put it out there you cannot control how people take it once they choose to take it how they want.
      People misconstrue the bible and all other literature and written words all the time. Nothing you can do about how a persons mind processes the information you give them. Some people will "get" your work and love it and others will get it and hate it because they disagree; while others won't get it but still like or won't get it and hate it because they don't understand it. I've learned the most impnt thing is you know your intentions and your goals and the purpose of your writing. At the end of the day, thats what matters most.

  • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

    I’d say neither. Men and women are so unique and different there simply is no blog, book or Tyrese tweet that will ever apply universally. There is no magic formula to make ol boy act right, keep out of the friendzone and stop feeling insecure. Its all advice, read, reflect and apply accordingly.

    • sensesocommon

      "…there simply is no blog, book or Tyrese tweet that will ever apply universally. There is no magic formula to make ol boy act right…"

      ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!

      • Bree

        "…there simply is no blog, book or Tyrese tweet that will ever apply universally. There is no magic formula to make ol boy act right…"

        This right here is "sense so common" and DA TRUTH!

        • http://sensesocommon.blogspot.com Candi

          LMAO!!! Love it x’s 2

    • GirlSixx

      "Its all advice, read, reflect and apply accordingly"

      Bingo!! It is not the Bible, Koran or Torah…

      • http://twitter.com/_illadelph @_illadelph

        I'd say even the Bible Qu'ran or Torah should be reflected on a bit….

  • GeminiSista

    Great Post!! As a new reader to blogs (and infrequent commenter) I have truly appreciated the insight this series provided.

  • shareefjackson

    Definitely cosign on #3. The strange thing i feel like those are the posts that get the most attention – the ones that seem to target "the wrong women". I can imagine that as a relationship blogger trying to attract an audience that they would gravitate somewhat towards topics that seem to bring the most engagement, positive or negative.
    My recent post #ScienceLooksGood – Space Theme for Your Computer

  • sensesocommon

    I don't think an advice column is as effective on my thoughts towards myself, the way that it is on my thoughts on the person who is distributing the information (generally speaking). I'm always wondering, if they know so much about a particular situation or women, for that matter… why try to advise women to change or re-evaluate, when you know how women are? *shrugs* (lol, that was a joke)

    Anyway, I come here because I like the flowiness of the conversations whether I'm just reading or even if I'm commenting. It's like being in a room full of black people who actually got some shit to talk about. It's fun to read. I can agree or disagree on the thoughts behind whatever post, but I don't think that any of them has effected me in such a way that I actually try to take it home with me. All in all, I just like reading in my past time.

  • DBG

    I see the same insecurity and down-right dogma with female bloggers. So yes… male bloggers need to adhere to some decorum, but too many female bloggers are making a name dogging men and too many women are cosigning like men don't have the same issues with them.

    Insecurity and disrespect begets insecurity and disrespect.

    This is a set of rule BOTH sexes should follow. Please stop the bend-over politics.

  • teannhny

    I agree with most of this…especially the part about considering your audience. And, it really would be nice if supporting a black male blogger cite didn't equate to lowered black woman social-esteem. I understand being controversial and I'm not advocating for total praise of Black women…critique is fine, but critique is constructive and includes the positive, the negative, the complex and can come from a place of thoughtfulness instead of a place of superiority.

    Nice post!

    • shareefjackson

      Yup —–> Critique is fine, but critique is constructive and includes the positive, the negative, the complex and can come from a place of thoughtfulness instead of a place of superiority.
      My recent post #ScienceLooksGood – Space Theme for Your Computer

  • http://RealMenDontGossip.com WisdomIsMisery

    Agreed.

    My recent post RealMenDontGossip Podcast: Episode 1

    • WIM

      I forgot to mention, as I've touched on before, it's not a competition (at least not to me). When I write about the successes of men, that doesn't mean I'm subtly saying women are losing. Conversely, when I write about the successes of women, that doesn't mean I'm subtly saying men are losing. I actually think this generally accepted theory that when one sex prospers the other sex must inherently be failing is the reason a lot of male/female relations are so…well, f*cked up.

      Can't we all just get along? – R.I.P. Rodney King

      • Alakaii Hawaii

        When a man prospers a woman should be taken care of.

        At no point should a man unprepared for commitment and dedication to marriage and family be using a woman who has no idea how to care for him or tend to such responsibilities.

        It's the fact that a woman can't just walk up to a man and give him life pointers because she desires him that makes it so out of balance. If I want you I should be able to tell you and if I tell you than you should listen to what I'm saying; but of course, men reserve the right to say no — and that just sucks for the woman. She gets the privelege of working in a man's world to care for herself….it isn't fun. We don't win.

  • Starita34

    "I've actually seen a woman's notepad of notes from Male Blog posts. #TrueStory"

    This gives me the sads. :-(

    • cynicaloptmst81

      LMBO! I haven't even read yet and I was scrolling down to post about that…

      I mean…between this…and the children's book, "The Night Daddy Went to Jail" (seriously, its a real book)…

      Is this how its gonna be in 2012? Really?

      #icant

      • starita34

        I made this comment before I finished reading too. It's just…*sigh*

  • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

    Nice try, but the premise is still off. Logic tortured. But thanks for trying.

    • http://twitter.com/panamajackson @panamajackson

      What's wrong with his logic? I'm curiuos.

      • http://twitter.com/panamajackson @panamajackson

        I also spell curious right on most occasions.

    • Adonis

      I second for an explanation with Panama

      • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        Waaay too much to say here. I think I’ll write a blog post about it for next Monday. Monday’s are gonna be Cougar sez day. Opinions nshit. Cuz I’m bored with telling you all my sexy business.

  • http://twitter.com/Amaris_Acosta @Amaris_Acosta

    Writing a disproportionate amount of posts on what "women are doing wrong" in regards to men, without the occasional acknowledgement that wifey material is actually kinda not easy to locate. There are some male bloggers (whose blogs I no longer read) that act like women are these needy, clingy, self-esteem drained deperate sacks of ish. In the meantime, when men are "ready to find the one", all they need to do is, well…think about it that day and the wife fairy will sprinkle some dust, sing bibbity boppity boo, and said wife will magically appear because they are just "THAT" together with their ish….

    …because if you've been searching in the clubs for the "easy button" female all your life you will automatically know where to go to find a wife when you want one…right…..

    It is for that reason alone I cannot wait for that current section of male bloggers to turn 37. When ish gets real.

    • GirlSixx

      "It is for that reason alone I cannot wait for that current section of male bloggers to turn 37. When ish gets real. "

      *laughing-n-snorts* (sandra bullock style)

    • Alakaii Hawaii

      *snickering behind my hand so it doesn't turn into full blown guffawing*

      *clears throat*

      That's what SHE said. But seriously though, this point is uber legit. You've been in the club, going to lounges, getting drinks, relying on credit, not paying attention to what you're doing, not planning for the future preparing for a family or being responsible for anyone or anything but your fun and easy s*x……..a grown woman is gonna hold the bridge of her nose squeeze her eyes shut and try not to rip you a new one when all you have to say is what SHE'S doing wrong. Dude you're 30 years old. *Your woman* is the one who has to straighten all that ish out and your retarded behind doesn't even remotely know how to find such a woman. #shoutouttowebsitesandtechnologywhodothatstufforyou

      • starita34

        Speaking of fantasy worlds…

        If life were fair that'd be true. But it's just not. When they are ready, chances are there's at least one good enough woman willing and ready probably been waiting around hopin and prayin for 12 years. It's a man's world. Point blank. There is a reason they are allowed to be at recess until they turn 30 while we're in study hall trying to be Ms perfect and "wifeable" and studying *sigh* Cosmo and blogs for ways to "win". *smh*

        Effin SAD.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          *is feeling the epic tension building at me not knowing when to shut up and it being funnier than it's supposed to be*

          That's kinda true Star. Im actually not really sure how you learn to be a good woman I think it just happens or develops or something and then you doubt yourself because men don't care about YOUR timetable. One time I was trying to open a jar of salsa and my brother-in-law sat there and watched me struggle laughing at me and then twenty minutes later he decides to go "alright". *opens jar in .2 seconds* It's rather obnoxious. Now that I think about it I don't even really know what *I* did. I liked reading Cosmo. I never used anything in it. Other girls did. Guys liked them more. and now guys don't like me because I pick up on stuff easily. It makes me feel kinda small cuz I don't know what I'm doing or poking at. But I keep poking like…maybe if I poke here it'll work. No? Trial and error. Maybe you're only supposed to read Cosmo but then hold out for as long as possible until a guy tells you to stop holding out and then you're not supposed to notice anything is flawed with him.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          Maybe men should stop having s*x with underdeveloped females and just let us develop until they need a wife and then EVERY woman would be wife material.

        • starita34

          It wasn't my intention for you to feel attacked. I simply disagree that the majority of men will wake up cold and alone in their late 30's when they want a wife and no one wants them because they spent the majority of their life being a manwhore. We simply don't care about that for the most part (we even require significant "experience" sometimes!).

          Most men will "win" in the end. Regardless of how they chose to spend their youth.

          And IMO you learn to be a good woman from your parents and other loved ones. Not magazines and blogs and television. I got not problem with Tristan's friendgirl taking advice from him. She knows him, he knows her-she's deduced that he's a reliable source for her based off their relationship. I do have a problem with someone doing a google search for "how do I keep a man?" and taking advice from a completely unknown person on the internet. There's no other word for it than sad. IMO Cosmo should be for entertainment, certainly not for developing women.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          Hm. This comment helps a lot. My role models have been my mother (who protected my self-respect at all costs and sheltered me from the world unil I turned 18) and the women in my family (who are all from the deep south and are traditional, submissive 'southern hospitality' kind of women). So that's what I observed. and I feel as if men SHOULD feel exactly that way so that they will learn to truly care for a good woman because it makes me comfortable approaching them. But I do agree it doesn't work that way. and I don't really see anything wrong with a male having experience I just don't like watching females be subjected to what Amaris described below so that they can gain it. It's dominating.

        • http://twitter.com/Amaris_Acosta @Amaris_Acosta

          That is just not true, and probably a great contributor to the divorce rate. Something is really off when your wife location strategy is:

          "Hmmm…I wanna wife today."
          **looks around***
          "YOU! Loved-starved gal. You cook? Great! You'll do." O_o

        • GirlSixx

          *Falls into Grave*

          Amaris — you killin me today.

          lolll

        • cynicaloptmst81

          L. O. L!

        • starita34

          Didn't say it made for healthy relationships, but it's hard to dispute it makes up many, actual, real life relationships.

          I agree that it contributes to the divorce rate and to the belief many men have about marriage being a not so great thing – where you lose freedom and wife=nag. The first couple years would be "training" him if ya'll got together in this way.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          I kinda thought that's how it's supposed to work. Because I just figured guys don't really pay attention to certain stuff so I have to teach him about his finances, and preparing for the future, and long-term decision making and what needs to happen to prepare for children and I have to upgrade his career and all that material stuff so that he'll be able to accrue wealth. I don't think guys are prepared for that until their late twenties anyway but I also don't wanna be sitting here bored until I'm in menopause waiting for them to realize they need a good woman. That's a TON of work and responsibility. I'm only gonna have the energy and time to do it once or twice before I descend out of my prime I just thought a man would want that because it reflects who he is.

        • starita34

          iWeep

          Alakaii, my hope for you, for all of us, both genders, is that your expectations grow with age and experience. That you join with an equal, not take on a project.

          Of course we all have strengths and weaknesses and we will hopefully learn and grow from one another in a healthy relationship. But to begin a relationship with the expectation to train a grown man? To "teach him" about finances? Upgrade his career? Not an option for me (and I'm willing to bet many men don't want that "help" either, belittling much?). Perhaps that's "why I'm single". But I'm looking for a partner, a head of household, a man, a whole person. That "you complete me" bs is for the birds – as grown folks we should already be complete, married or single, male or female.

          But these are just my thoughts…

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          ooooh. that was heavy. "That you join with an equal, not take on a project."

          I just thought in order to make two pieces click together than I have to teach you what I want and you teach me what you want and then we're equal in our union. I sorta like the thought of going through that together because it's the only way I know to form a true attachment. A bond. We only fit to one another because we developed around one another in love. lol. What's belittling is me agreeing with you…..but I would be like…..'um. why aren't you ready yet????'

        • starita34

          Teaching him about you; your thoughts, your needs, your desires, your hopes and dreams or learning about him; his priorities, his goals, his passions- totally normal, expected, healthy. But teaching him how to be a man, a grown up at age 25? Naw sweetheart, he's not ready to be your partner.

          Again, just my opinion.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          Yeah! That's what I mean! The former part of that. That's how relationships should be to me so I guess that means I would click with men whose prioirities and goals and passions align with my needs and desires and dreams. yay! Clarity. lol. So I have to put myself somewhere to learn about men but not a blog or t.v. maybe I should just move back south. Common sense fail. smfh.

        • Starita34

          Don't worry about learning about men hun, learn about you. Live your life, get yourself together. ALL men are different, when you find one of interest, learn about him, but learning "about men" is fairly pointless and endlessly frustrating.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          I'm not bout that life Star. I'd rather just take my chances approaching a male who caught my interest and teling him what I want vs. psyching myself out because he could say no or may want to make minor adjustments. I *don't want* to further my career or my education or do anything else for/in the community. I *don't want* to experience the nightlife. I don't want that to be part of who I am. I…..will sit here and accept that I'm worthless and obsolete as a woman. Because if my upbringing and compassion and well-roundedness isn't enough for a man to go 'I need her to' than there's no point in even participating in a society I'm not cut out for and want no part in. Oh well.

        • monique

          I. like.

        • monique

          I hate to disappoint you, I am afraid you are giving the south way too much credit. I live there and the same struggles you face are no different here . Mature, positive mentality along with good morals and experience should be your focus, forget demograpics.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          lol @ having a positive mentality. I'm in agony. I'm starting to believe men want it that way so they can play God and Savior after fifty years of practicing. By the time you get around to approaching me my eggs will be dried up, I'll have cried myself into dehydration and died, I'll have descended out of my prime. lmao. I'm just about to start acting stupid. "He has a house….a car…a career….work ethic"….."Hey can I have your babies and breast feed while you eat the dinner I cooked? I'm moral!!" =D!!!!! lmao. That made me laugh. I feel a lot better now.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          smh. It's not even worth it. There's no point to wanting a life when all it is is going to the club or waiting for a man to grow out of the club and then entertaining yourself with men who defend their right to do so until they're 35. Rejection isn't my fear. Having to gauge a man's readiness because he still acts like he's 20 years old = my fear. His failure to develop character; my lack of tolerance for his insecurities. My general impatience….because I'm in agony. and then hearing 'it's wrong to expect better'. Okay. Than I'm wrong. and it's completely normal to behave like you're 21 when you're pushing 30.

        • monique

          I am sorry but I can subscribe to this…
          Men can't do anything we as women don't allow. If we resign to this kind of disserving order then men have no incentive to change and we only have ourselves to blame. Besides while he is in recess breaking and leaving a trail of hearts so are other men, so how realistic are his chances of coming across a woman without baggage or damage. And if he does, will he have the maturity to maintain something he's never encountered. There are really no winners unless both parties, not one, step up and assume the responsiblities and mentality it takes for a health relationship.

  • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

    I’ve seen it too…hell i got a homegirl who even jots down things i say from time to time.

  • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

    I think what it all boils down to is a basic understanding between writer and audience. Audience needs to understand behind the post is just a man with opinions you may or may not agree with. He isnt some all knowing male mind ambassador. Writer needs to understand that their audience isnt a bunch of desperately single women completely clueless to how men are (quickly remembers Steve Harvey says that in the Think Like a Man commercial smh-es). This is entertainment, a way to interact with like minded individuals or pass time because your job blocks most social media sites and Netflix. Women shouldnt switch they whole style up cuz Dr J told em to, just like i shouldnt switch mine because my comment got thumbed down to death

  • VanDCamp

    Dr. J,
    Well said and much appreciated.

  • Alakaii Hawaii

    lol @ my head cocking sideways for like the past ten minutes. There's something really simple in a man's efforts that should probably be understood and plain as day but it's grazing my head as it flies right over the top….

    Do you guys need something most women don't give?

  • cynicaloptmst81

    To piggy back on the e-homeslice, Amaris, comment…

    …well first, I feel you here, Dr. J. Def a good post/series…

    Now…eerrr, ummm…I think balancing the relationship posts with what BOTH sexes are doing wrong/could do better would make a world of difference (not that SBMs doing a horrible job of this, lol…I'm just saying this in general). But the reality is…is there really a way to do that without losing your male followers? Y'all will NEVER really REALLY chastise each other for the ambiguous "kinda honest" language you use to keep entertaining women according to your comfort zone/desire. It's better to empower women not to put up with "inconsistencies" and "string-like" behavior…and knock the ride or die chicks (I won't go on-and-on with examples…y'all get the point). I'll give it to SBM…y'all touch on it a bit unlike some other sites. But the majority of the content deals with the reality of men that won't change…and what women need to change or adjust as a result.

    And that kinda sucks. Why we gotta do all the adjusting and changing?

    • WisdomIsMisery

      But the majority of the content deals with the reality of men that won't change…and what women need to change or adjust as a result.

      And that kinda sucks. Why we gotta do all the adjusting and changing?

      Good question. I'm responding to you but I think a number of women feel this way… Here's my philosophy as someone that's been writing here for a couple years and in general for a couple decades:

      First, you don't have to do anything but live, pay taxes, and die. You definitely don't have to listen to us. As J said, we're not Gospel writers.

      But, one thing that's bothered me is how women assume we would give men any different advice if the roles were reversed. If a woman/man is dealing with a man/woman who is not acting in accordance with how they feel he/she should act I think it is on the person who is UNhappy to change not the person who is HAPPY.

      We predominately suggest (and suggesting is all we're ever doing since y'all are grown people mostly over 18 years of age who don't have to listen to us) women change because it is women who are usually unhappy with the status of the relationship. If a man was unahappy, I would suggest HE change too. Why on Earth would I suggest the happy/content person change simply because the other person is UNhappy? Best I can tell, you have two perfectly capable legs which can assist you in walking in the opposite direction of that person at any time.

      If you want to train something, buy a dog. On the other hand, if you're dealing with a full grown adult capable of making their own sound, methodical decisions on life, then you can either "deal with the reality of (grown) men/women won't change – and shouldn't have to for you – and what men/women need to change or adjust as a result."

      Secondly, what is men's motivation for change? I'll wait…

      This premise is inherently flawed, as it assumes men want the same things women want, when it is clear they do not or at least not within the same time frame. This doesn't make men right or women wrong. It makes us different. Since the beginning of history, men have committed later than women – and if history is any indication, this will likely never change.

      The majority of men and women WILL get married. Since men do the predominant hand-in-marriage asking, we can assume that when men are ready to change – whenever that occurs – they do. What women seem to want is every man they want to change for them. Not only is that arrogant, it makes no sense. People don't complain about the men/women they don't want chasing after them. They complain about the men/women they do want not chasing after them. In actuality, no man/woman has to change unless they want to. It's this idea that people should change because we want them to is flawed – and that flawed @ss logic applies to men and women.

      - FIN –

      • cynicaloptmst81

        I feel this…I really do. But both men and women make adjustments that are best for a relationship they deem "worth it". So the idea that the unhappy person has to do all the changing to become happy is flawed. You know what? Let me tackle that a different way. If I'm in a rela…and unhappy…and my partner is happy…although I'm unhappy, we've got bigger problems, lol. #ThisAintIt

        No…neither men or women should try to force every man/woman they encounter to deem them "worthy". However, the flawed perceptions…flawed preferences (lets be real…some preferences set us up for failure and need tweeking), etc. of both sexes keep them from even being able to rightly discern who's best for them and who isn't in some instances.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          What women really want is a better dating pool! We don't want every man…we want a good man. And not to say that there aren't any…but, you've gotta admit, ratchetness has greatly decreased the amount (the fault of both sexes). What can men do to be better potentials? What can men do to be better partners in relationships? It takes two to make or break a relationship…or kill a date…its not all the woman's fault. I'm just saying tackle more stuff that you men folk can do better.

          Y'all ain't perfect, you know?! Y'all gets on our nerves too…and make wack dates, boyfriends, and husbands. Help your peeps do better. :-)

        • WisdomIsMisery

          It's funny, because I agree with everything you've said here BUT I still thinking we're speaking altruistically. In a perfect world, I could tell men how to act towards women but 1) I am not this man's father or even his role model. He has absolutely no reason to listen to me. And, if he is getting what he wants out of life – be it from ratchets or women who think "he'll change for me," even though he continues to demonstrate he will not – he has even less of a reason to listen to me. 2) How would I, as a man, know what women want – when women aren't monolithic? The only woman I might have some relative idea of how to please is my woman – and even that is an effort in futility. I can't really speak any broader than the woman in my life nor, to be honest, do I feel I should be expected to. That's definitely not the expectation I have for myself. In fact, I would venture to say that if every woman on Earth is upset by me and my woman is happy, I'm doing fine. Lastly, I personally learned how to be a man from my father, to a lesser degree my mother, and the rest was through trial and error.

          Y'all ain't perfect, you know?! I do know…and that is exactly my point. If we could accept THAT about each other we would have a much greater chance of reaching a compromise. I know I'm flawed. I know women are flawed. The difference is I accept my flaws and my woman's flaws and I live with THAT person. I personally choose to focus on what the woman in my life does correct rather than focus on (and get upset by) what she does wrong. Speaking for self, this has brought me far more peace of mind than the alternate route.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Yeah, I don't think you're saying anything wrong at all.

          However, based on your own words, "we're grown…y'all just give advice…its not the gospel". You state what's true to you…based on your experiences. Who its meant to help, it will help. Which means, its not pointless to discuss it. You're not the man's father or role model…but he's reading your blog for entertainment…and maybe insight…maybe alternate views. A young man stated yesterday that he looked up to Slim…trust me, you may not want to be role models, but I'm sure you are. Your statements on this remind me of Slim's post. The difference is that most of your male readers are probably decent, educated dudes who could probably use the unbiased perspectives.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Women are not monolithic, true. And, as with all posts…you take the meat and throw out the fat. Use what you can…discard what you can't. Doesn't mean its not worth the discussion because it won't apply to everyone. What ever does? All problems in relationships should not simply be accepted (some issues, yes…others, no). Where you can improve, you should try.

          I guess you don't see the value in that…which is fine. I guess, lol.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          How many writer's do y'all have? All encountering different women…all from different walks of life. I don't expect you to speak to every readers issues individually. However, I believe that all of you…together…already have. I'd just be nice to see another side of it more often. And if you all do it from time to time, you touch more people…and a wider range of issues from all perspectives…helping men and women (which you already do a great job of…just referring to what we're discussing in this thread).

        • WisdomIsMisery

          That's fair. I've heard this sentiment expressed but I'd personally like to see the specific examples of the topics we're missing out on, because clearly I'm a bit confused. So if you, or anyone, has something they'd like the staff to write about they can volunteer those ideas at the contact us page: http://www.singleblackmale.org/got-questions/. If anyone wants to contact me directly, I'm at the same name at gmail.com. I have to admit it's confusing when people say they want different content but don't specify what that content is. I have my theories on this but I'll wait to see if anyone takes me up on this offer.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Let me just say again that you guys do a great job here. Dr. J's F.O.R. series pointed out several areas men needed to be checked in. Slim's post yesterday brought out some issues as well (not rela related…but men reaching back to help/support each other)…I could keep going, lol. You guys touch on areas that men could use some tweaking in…you do. I'm just saying you could do it a bit more often, lol…more posts admonishing the men folk to "get it together" in the areas of dating and relationships…family life…community…alladat, lol.

        • WisdomIsMisery

          I guess if I had an issue in my relationship I would turn to the woman I have the issue with and address it with her knowing she is a unique individual and the person I should be talking to. More importantly, she is the person I have the issue with not Dr. J, WIM, or Blogger X, Y, Z.

          I guess I'm saying I'm flattered that anyone would turn to me for advice, insight, or opinions. I'm also slightly confused that anyone would turn to me for advice, insight or opinions lol

        • cynicaloptmst81

          What's this life thing all about?! lol

          Welp, WIM…its happening. Men read everyday…and I'm certain its for entertainment, enlightenment, "its not just me" moments…meaning, they read for all kinds of reasons. We all do. Don't assume they wouldn't listen to you…they already do. ;-)

        • Paul B.

          "I guess if I had an issue in my relationship I would turn to the woman I have the issue with and address it with her knowing she is a unique individual and the person I should be talking to. More importantly, she is the person I have the issue with not Dr. J, WIM, or Blogger X, Y, Z. "

          This is too much like right, but then again, if people took the time to talk to the person they're with instead of somebody who has nothing to do with the relationship and handled their business, then would there be such a market for bloggers and relationship books as there is now? The irony is that people create a market for such then complain about it. Is it any wonder so many are unhappy? Is it any wonder people get offended when the possibility exists that they could indeed be the problem themselves?

        • monique

          yes!

        • http://www.therealslimjackson.com Slim Jackson

          *Late to the party*

          All I will say here is…

          We got this. I'm not a fan of showing my cards before they've been dealt, but let's just say we're doing some hard work behind the scenes. Cyn, really appreciate your tactfully laid out suggestions/thoughts. Also, thanks for checking in on the post yesterday.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          No prob! Like I said above…you guys tackle all sides here…the infrequency of a certain side is all I'm pointing out, lol.

          Can't wait to see what else you guys have cooking! :-)

        • monique

          …unless that man wants it as well, your wants are futile to him.

  • Streetz

    Good Post. Great series.

    I think everyone should take the posts written here with a grain of salt. We are experts. Only God is an expert *sir charles voice*

    We just write based on experiences and hope to shed light on all topics. Feel it, and if you dont like it than fine – Jay

    My recent post #BeTheBetter Fitness Log: Entry 5

  • monique

    wim!

  • Lovelee1227

    I enjoyed reading this. This is my first visit to this site. Very interesting to read a black males perspective on love, and women. What I appreciate is the wording of the post and the ability to stay humble. Thank you for ur hard word.. U just earned yourself a daily reader.

  • Alakaii Hawaii

    lmao. I wonder if men wanna do their own thing until they feel they can be a good provider to a good woman and start a family with her. If that's the case I don't really see a problem I just find it hard to believe. But maybe I'll try to believe it because that's what I learned today. and no one on this blog has ever given me the impression failure is to be expected of any man so, I would say it's helpful. In a 'ow! ow! ow! okay I get it! but hurry up!' kind of way.

    • Alakaii Hawaii

      aaaand it actually hurts less to not read this blog. It feels normal to sit around and blindly think all men are indestructible super heroes. Blind faith. Blind trust. Completely naive. I feel absolutely no pain or see no mistakes. Except I feel exceptionally stupid waiting for thirty years but I guess it's normal.

      • http://twitter.com/omgitsjo @omgitsjo

        Nobody said you had to wait 30 years. Some men are ready younger. Some are never ready. The factors that contribute to someone being ready to settle down vary from person to person as well. You have to get out there and do it and figure it out.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          Personally, it isn't about age. A good woman is a good woman and whether you're a newborn or a 100 year old man you should know you have to treat a good woman as a good woman. period. It's not a nitpick why you don't have to kind of thing. It's the simple fact of the matter.

          You can't see me? I don't see you. Open your eyes.

        • King Jordan

          "You can't see me? I don't see you. Open your eyes. "

          that goes both ways. #pause

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          yes. PLEASE take a second to consider maybe…men need to step up and dominate this new level. I believe the challenge is "come at me bro".

          I'll see you. I'll acknowledge it. return the courtesy.

          That's all there is to it.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          Stop pretending you're too dumb to get the point. A fully developed woman knows how to treat a man…if you're a man. STEP UP. Don't tell me I'm wrong, show me I'm right.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          lol @ what these + and – imply. *squinting my eyes at all black men* Maybe…you have a point. Maybe.

  • Vee

    Good post and it is hilarious that men can use "blogging to get sex" In this case, the woman is to blame for being an idiot.
    My recent post Txting For A First Date: When Technology Goes Wrong

  • Oh ok…

    Keep doing what ur doing!

    A couple of ppl shouldn’t stop the shop! (‘_’ )

    Also, LOVE the new look & HATE the advertisement banner I keep getting on screen.

    (Whatevs, I get it– Y’all gotta eat &ish)

    **continues watching BreakingBad **

    • http://www.therealslimjackson.com Slim Jackson

      Hey, I was making some updates to the site last night so the banner may have looked wonky. Let me know if you see it next time you're on the site. I'm guessing you meant the one that was at the top of the page.

      Glad you like the new look! :-)
      My recent post Awesome Reads From This Week

  • DeAngelus

    I've recently started reading this blog and I'm really enjoying it. This is my first comment, but I just want to say that the largest criticism I have of the atmosphere here, and on other blogs that I follow is that there is an overwhelming sense of responsibility to female readers. This site in particular, I feel like, pulled the rug from underneath me because it says "single black male". I'm 24 years old, I'm black, I'm currently considering what it takes to be a man and successfully. The writers here are awesomely gifted and witty and is honestly the kind I would like to see in a glossy magazine. In a sense it confuses me because I understand catering to your demographic, but I thought I WAS the demographic. The constant lessons on gender relations get a little hard for me.

    • Not Your Friend

      That is what I was saying about a week or so ago. This blog is titled, 'Single Black Male', but the content is mostly directed toward women.

  • fourpageletter

    this was one of the best posts i've read.
    kudos.

  • newgirl

    i have noticed this trend with male blogger too. they basically bash, have no tact and tear down black women. and it all usually stems from the "bad" girl in hs or college not being interested in them because they were a nerd or didnt have cool shoes or something. Well news flash to them no guys were interested in the nerdy girls either. but i don't think us nerdy ugly ducklings are as bitter as men. we know you love you beyonces and your rihanna's too but they won't give you the time of day, you may want to focus on the types of women who WILL give yo the time of day

    this is a great article. women bash too but there is always someone that is checking the woman that is bashing. with male blogs, dudes run wild bashing and degrading women with no regulation.