Why Black Men Take Longer to Get Married

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A few members of the SBM team have begun contributing their thoughts on dating and relationships to the popular Madame Noire. WisdomIsMisery was up this week and discussed seven reasons why black men take longer to get married. Here are a couple thoughts from the article:

Before I begin this post, I need to dispel a few rumors. For one, there is no black women marriage crisis. That is a myth, mostly broadcast by news outlets looking to gain easy views, reads, and rehashed blog topics. However, black women do marry later – 75% will marry by age 35. Secondly, there is no interracial marriage crisis. According to two doctorates from Howard and Morehouse University, “Six percent of married black men who are high school dropouts have a white wife and 92% have black wives.  Among black men with college degrees, 10% have a white wife and 85% have black wives.” When eight of 10 black men will marry a black women, it doesn’t seem like much of an epidemic. Lastly, no list is all-inclusive.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way. [Here are] seven reasons why black men marry later.

Lack of appropriate role models.

This is not meant to disrespect single mothers. Honestly, having a bad father in the home is no better than having an absent father. No, this is about a lack of role models for young black men, regardless of their paternal relation or non-relation to the young man in particular. A number of black men don’t have enough appropriate role models to look up to, speak to, and/or imitate. They must figure out how to be men on their own, because they were never shown in practice what being a man entails when they were young and impressionable.

Result: Since a number of black men never observed the roles and responsibilities a man is supposed to play in a woman’s life as a husband/father – other than what they’ve seen on TV, movies, or heard in music – they marry later. Many black men have to figure out their place in a woman’s life through trial and error. Naturally, this ‘on the job training’ takes longer, and we are assuming they ever figure it out.

Click here to read the rest from WisdomIsMisery on Madame Noire! 

 

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  • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

    Left my permission slip at home so i will comment here instead…

    The primary reason black men aren’t getting married is lack of incentive. If women are living with them, starting families, and even filing as “single” on your tax returns is just as beneficial what reason is there to put a ring on it. Of course some women want that security and a man will give that to her for that reason.

    • SweetSass

      That isn't necessarily true. There are lots of women who demand commitment and men walk away from those women. All the time. That is why we are in the situation we are in. Men are not choosing the women who have standards… men are choosing to mess with the ones who let them get away with devilish behavior.

      I cannot control what another woman does. You, however, can control if you are going to chase the lowest common denominator or will step up and do things that you ought to do.

      • Adonis

        will step up and do things that you ought to do

        Please, chill with the "Real Man", "Man Up" talk

        Get a man who is so crazy about y'all so putting a ring on it is a foregone conclusion

        • SweetSass

          I didn't say 'real man' or 'man up'… you're projecting.

          You're just getting emo about the fact I am right.

        • Adonis

          Fair enough

      • D-Nice

        It's also very true that there are alot of men who are demanding commitment also and some women get afraid of that as well (which I don't understand if you are in your mid 30's). I mean let's be real, you have women out here who will string along a brother for months and then when he asks what's going on between the two of us, she steps away…Like really though? So don't just say it's all on men because some women are really acting as if they got their stuff together when in actuality they really don't.

        • LisaLisa

          i agree!!!!!

    • Gwen

      The reason would be, because at some point in your life you realize that its not about you. Its about setting that example for your kids, family, your legacy! Your response is the problem and proves exactly what the article is saying.

  • CPT Callamity

    "There isn’t much gained from marriage that is not readily available in single life."
    BOOM!

    I won't sit here and throw shade on anyone who has marriage in mind or have already taken the plunge. This is something I as a bachelor have to weigh everyday. Yes, I've thought about all the romantic connotations of marriage and what it means for the family unit, but very little has been shown to me that requires a certificate and a fancy ceremony. Since all the shame is removed from having children or living together without marriage, I don't see where it really helps.

    • SweetSass

      Do you do the right thing only because you're worried doing the wrong thing that you will be caught or shamed?

      I don't know about you, I do the right thing in life because it's right. Not 'external' approval or disapproval or what I can get away with.

      • CPT Callamity

        I do the right thing based on my own morals and what I think I should be doing. So some would say getting married is the “right thing” to do, I say ot’s right for “some.” I dont care what others think in that respect.

        • SweetSass

          Do you think its right or wrong to have kids grow up with parents who aren't married?

        • CPT Callamity

          Not for me to determine. Then again, what do I know, my parents were divorced when i was very young. I personally would want kids but only under the context that I have an active partner in the endeavor. Be that marriage, civil union whatever, as long as the children know that both mommy and daddy are doing what they can for their benefit. I don't have any children now

        • Adonis

          I think whenever there is children involved, the father needs to be around providing the MOST influence…

          Marriage or no marriage

        • SweetSass

          And that happens precisely how much? From my friends who grew up in single parent homes… none of them say the father was the primary and most still have bitterness regarding his distance and lack of involvement.

        • Adonis

          He should have full custody, however that goes back to women picking fathers to mate with, not deadbeats, that involves sleeping with him after the marriage license is signed, not before…

        • SweetSass

          Well, back to my point, there will always be women who choose deadbeats because they have low self esteem etc. But this site is called SINGLE BLACK MALE… and therefore, why don't we discuss the male side of things? You have this kneejerk preach to Ratchets who don't read this site because they are too busy shopping for mini-Jordans for Tyrone Jr.

          Why don't dudes stop sleeping with these ratchets? Answer me that?

        • Adonis

          Easy, free p*ssy, and I am not knocking that, they are as irresponsible also…

          Ratchets do find their way to this site… They have a little more intelligence, I might add

        • SweetSass

          Doughnuts are easy, free calories… but I know if I put that shit in my body I'm doing wrong. Where is your self control?

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    "There isn’t much gained from marriage that is not readily available in single life."

    That's because Black people don't know anything about accruing wealth. Marriage opens up so many doors from exclusive connections that are only extended to other married people to TAXES to generational wealth to only give a few examples.

    • Erika

      Sad but true….

    • http://www.aworknprogress.com Diana

      Thank you! I'm glad somebody said it. People talk about women wanting the fairy tale, from what I've read on these here sites, Black men are living in a fantasy world as well. It's all about the perfect 10 with the banging body who can never get fat, a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed, cook, clean, wifey material, let me watch the game in peace, oh and love gotta make sure she's really, truly the one. Please. We are only hurting ourselves in the end. Other cultures recognize the true value of marriage, from a business POV and that two is better than 1. The Suze Orman 'Can I Afford It?' segments are truly telling when you have married couples funding their IRAs to the max, having 6 figures in savings and retirement accounts and they're only like 32. We are losing out.
      My recent post Tuesday’s Thoughts: The Square Root

      • SweetSass

        Amen, most of them should be so lucky to find a woman like their mama. But their mama ain't all of those things. Where are they getting this fantasy from? The internet *ahem* sites, sitcoms, and other works of fiction.

    • SweetSass

      On a side note… Malik, where you live? Can I holla? You are consistently saying things I 100% agree with. *blows kisses*

    • yngblkmale

      I would agree that marriage has a business element associated with it and if executed properly, can be a great way to leverage yourself (or your spouse) to accruing wealth together. My concern has always been the ease in which a spouse can initiate divorce proceedings. Our society makes it too easy to get a divorce. For example, many states harbor no fault divorce provisions where a spouse need not show a valid reason (like cheating or some other shady activity) to get divorced. All they need to assert is that the marriage is "irretrievably broken." Not a very high standard to meet.

      After equitable distribution and an award for permanent alimony for your former spouse, you can easily take a financial hit that can set you back for a decade or more. This vulnerability alone can be a deterrent for some black men who may want to get married, but instead choose to wait a little longer as a result.

      Yes, you can always throw an antenuptial agreement in the face of your spouse to be, but I personally wouldn't have the heart for that (especially if it was the first time getting married for both of us), and I couldn't imagine going into a marriage by contingency planning for an "unexpected divorce.” Perhaps more black men would be a little less apprehensive about marriage if it weren’t so easy for their spouses (or themselves for argument sake) to break off the vows and skate away with more than half of the wealth accrued together during the marriage.

  • J. A. Johnson

    Maaaaaaaaaaan! I agree with the list entirely. Especially the last one. I saw when the link was posted on Facebook by their page, and how many females were commenting about how bad black men are…all I could think was: "Damn, there are a lot of bitter females out there and when will they hold some accountability for dating aint s**t men"?

    The funny thing is…they were getting on the article for attacking women. Where are the attacks on women?! If anything, he was trying to make sure it didn't seem like anything was to blame on women, but just how society is these days. Great article, confused (living in a crazy bubble) women.

    • http://www.therealslimjackson.com Slim Jackson

      Because of the media onslaugh against black women, I think some have become hypersensitive to anything directed to them. It's an instinctive reaction now and a storm that just has to be weathered.
      My recent post I Felt Confident Yesterday.

    • WisdomIsMisery

      I missed that dialogue (probably for the better). I actually went out of my way not to place any blame on women in the article. As Slim said, I think some expect to be attacked for attacked sake. Is what it is. I'm happy with the feedback I've received (to my face lol).

    • Adonis

      Where was this…? Link please, thanks JAJ

  • SweetSass

    I don't have a problem with men not wanting to settle down but I think for the good of society they should get their tubes tied. There is no good reason to be making babies you won't be supporting.

    • D-Nice

      Any women should learn how to close their legs as well. It takes two to make a baby.

  • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

    I won't respond on that other site, but what I hear from brother's most is that they are not getting what they want:

    1. The woman who looks good to their standards; and
    2. Values that match their own; and
    3. Personality; and
    4. Sensuality; and
    5. Compassion and understanding necessary to function as a dynamic

    Those five cornerstones could all function as individual blog posts/chapters/topics that highlight the plight of what is taking so many brothers so long to get down the aisle.

    To a lot of well rounded brothers (educated; well-traveled) we KNOW that marriage is more likely to increase our chances at attaining wealth, as well expedite the process, but one of those 5 pillars is lacking and thus, we are not willing to settle, so the searching continues…

    Bond.
    My recent post What if…

    • SweetSass

      My experience shows me that single Black guys like this who 1.) have a job 2.) went to college 3.) have read a book and are getting on in age are delusional about what they can attain because they are delusional about what they offer.

      The same things they say that don't impress them much in a woman… ie. doing basic things like bill paying, job/car having, etc. are also the same things that don't impress women much either.

      Men who are good on paper also tend to lack things that would make them attractive to their dream girl.

      • SweetSass

        Such as:
        - Having real interests/hobbies, I cannot tell you how many dudes I've dated that have nothing they do after work, my first question to weed out dudes is 'what is your passion?'
        - How attractive they are– typically these are the dudes who say 'men are visual' as if women don't have eyes?
        - Good communication skills
        - Time management
        - Considerate of others
        - Initiates good outings, maintains the relationship by going on dates even after they've 'chosen' each other, keeps reminding his lady she is special to him, etc.
        - Stay in good physical shape themselves
        - Can be emotionally vulnerable, romantic, doesn't care or even think about the term 'whipped'
        - Pulls his weight with household chores and family-in-law obligations

        • J. A. Johnson

          I have to disagree completely…..well for the most part. This makes it seem like guys with the full package are like blue moons. So either a guy is bad on paper or good on papers with a number of flaws or can't offer much? Maybe we know completely different kinds of men. The great guys I know are good on paper and don't fit the possible description that you gave. I look good on paper and don't fit any of the possible things wrong you stated.

          But the only thing I will agree with…is that some things are expected and not impressive. Having a degree, a good job, financially stable….those things are musts…not things that will impress me. BUT…show me a woman with multiple degrees in one of the S.T.E.M. fields and I will be turned on lol

        • SweetSass

          The point I am making is that *people* with full packages are indeed blue moons or may not even exist.

          The other point I'm making is that: guys who say they are not impressed with a woman who is independant because she has a job/car/pays bills… are the exact same ones who expect to be treated like the King of Zamunda (Coming to America reference) because they meet basic reading ninja criteria.

          Women have lists of intangible wants and needs in their others too. But there is no such thing as 'settling down' without a wee bit of 'settling for'…

        • J. A. Johnson

          Yup. My thoughts were correct….we definitely don't know the same kinds of people lol. I know tons of people that are the "Full Package". I have the "Full Package". So maybe you should think about who you associate yourself with. People that are the full package are far from blue moons…

          And I agreed with your other point. It goes both ways though! You know how annoying it is to hear females with college degrees prance around like they saved the world? Is a college degree good, yes, but majority of the time it just meant you found a way to pass your classes and get through the system. I'll tell men to not think they're God's gift to women for having a job….you tell women them having a job and a degree doesn't make them the "Full Package" by itself.

          P.S. I will allow your last statement lol

        • SweetSass

          No one is perfect. Everyone has fatal flaws or things they do that annoy a partner or ways in which they could be improved. Or secrets. Dark ones.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          lmao @ you and Blkbond. You guys really think you've got it all for a woman who has it all. Welp, lets see if the "plenty of full packages" theory is correct.

          Physicality: Meh. I'm getting thick which is rather flustering and I'm gonna go ahead and say I'm about a 7 because I'm sick and stressed out and it shows on my features. I've got a Mya/Alicia Keys warp going on but with a button nose, and leggings and uggs are awesome so it's more realistic to say I look dowdy than it is to imply I'm fine. Language: I speak human. Seriously. It's a cool little gift I have where languages don't really matter but still, I'm interested in learning French and Latin and some archaic, dead language. Active Lifestyle: I used to be active. I want to learn Northern Shaolin, Ba Gua and special weapons duel dao swords from ACTUAL monks but…my heart sounds like the lungs of a person with pneumonia. I actually think I'm dying. I have quite a few serious health issues going on actually. I ignore them. I look horrible. My activeness is horrible. Lets pretend I'm fine because I'm good at that.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          REAL southern: Meh. Not quite. I have traditional southern beliefs but…I recently started this thing. Well. I put it together. Basically, it's like….FEMA'S upgrade for natural disasters complete with new companies to fund it. I did the plan, I found the workers, I put the execs together, I dreamt up the companies, I called the shots, funded the basics, handed it off. Stressload = killer. It's southern based in the heart of Texas so it's close enough. Mental well being: I'm a realist. I wanted someone to have a full package and swoop in and take care of me and not be drunk or hungover when doing it but now I just wanna be made comfortable. It hurts really bad for men to attempt to problem solve or make offers or fight the solutions I tell them so, I'm not married because I'm too far in the negative to trust men. Just be a friend until I go. Domestics: Meh. I had domestics engraved into my soul during upbringing I can probably do origami with bedsheets and not even know it. Being a domestic pet at this point is delusional because there's no such thing a full package provider. Lets see some applications.

      • Uncle Hugh, BP

        SweetSass: "The same things they say that don't impress them much in a woman… ie. doing basic things like bill paying, job/car having, etc. are also the same things that don't impress women much either."

        Cosign. In the same way a single woman isn't impressive because she is "independent" (by which they mean they go to work and pay their own bills like any adult should), some guys think they are the isht for the same reason.

        "Men who are good on paper also tend to lack things that would make them attractive to their dream girl. Such as…"

        I was doing pretty well with that list until that "Can be emotionally vulnerable" part. Which is my girlfriend's lament.

        • SweetSass

          See, I know I'm not a 'perfect woman' so I do have realistic things I am willing to deal with or work around. I will compromise on some of those things. Like the guy I'm seeing right now needs to work on cultivating his interests and being more emotionally vulnerable, that is ok my daddy was not the most forthcoming man but I appreciated he still had the qualities that allowed him to remain married to my mother to this day (and she ain't perfect either, she something of a nag). I'm not a Esther Baxter, Ph.D throw down like Paula Deen so I don't harbor allusions I am entitled to Shemar Moore, M.D. with Bill Gates money and Casanova chemistry.

      • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

        I don't think these men are delusional, simply looking in the wrong places. For example, I often hang with people who are working in the field of law/justice. Alot of these brother's are on their ish. Yet the places they often frequent to socialize, does not compliment the goal they are trying to reach. For example, an attorney can't go into the the hot club hosted by Big Sean/Will Demps and EXPECT to meet a woman who is going to be compatible with him, his lifestyle, or his goals long-term. Yet, this is what is taking place most Friday/Saturday nights in cities across the country.

        Speaking objectively, alot of the other things you pointed out are opinion based (whether or not he has a 'real' hobby/communicates well/manages his time/pulling his weight/initiates 'good' outings/consideration). With that said, whereas you see alot of these things as a short-coming on his part (flaw-negative connotation), he or some other woman may believe that all of these things are in place and proportionate to his role within the relationship (feature-positive connotation).

        In regard to his dream girl: I think that if most brother's played to their strength and were more honest with themselves about who they want, what they need, who they are, and who they hope to be, then that dream girl is attainable.

        For example, I'll take one of those pillars on the list and show you how easily brother's could get what they want if they were savvy and creative. I will use #1-looks that are within their standard

        1. Brother's should be making an effort to talk to only the women who look like a woman they would be willing to marry and commit to. To often brother's have a 'box' they like to place women into (jumpoff, travel buddy, last option, etc.) all the while they really want a healthy and happy relationship with somebody they are proud of.

        2. Finding these women: Model shoots, industry nights, pagents, fashion shows, fitness expos, Brazil (laughs)…there are countless ways, brothers just aren't on it like that.

        I don't think that the men/women lack anything, there are ways for both to achieve what they want.
        My recent post What if…

        • SweetSass

          Do you think any woman you step to will choose you? You seem really full of yourself. What is so special about you? You think if you just 'find' models you can date any of them, BOL. This I would love to see…

          You keep dodging the point I am making: the woman who meets YOUR standards also has HER OWN standards… do you think you'd meet them? Are you the thing you look for, is what I am saying.

          If you aren't the thing you are looking for… then I say you are being delusional. Because why should someone who is all that and a bag of chips settle down with someone who is mediocre?

        • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

          I didn't realize we were talking about me. I'm in a relationship, happy, healthy, and faithful for 2 years. She's beautiful and meets every standard I could think of, even with her flaws and all. Never had a problem bagging broads though. Ever. Since I was 8 or 9 when girls and boys were arguing over who would be optimus prime on the playground.

          I've never had anything to complain about in that department. I work out daily. To the effect that I'm thinking about buying a smith machine so I don't have to go to the gym. I'm learning Portuguese/Spanish, my girl is going to teach me Arabic (she speaks fluent & Spanish). I'm learning to box (for cardio and people w/ big mouths), but I have an interest in krav maga, aikido, and Kali Salat. I played baseball in high school (right field), swim (one class from lifeguard), I'm Southern. REAL southern- I know how to hunt (tracking/killing/cleaning), though I don't enjoy it. I can cook most meals from Gumbo to curry chicken to lasagna from scratch. I grew up on everything from Supa Lover Cee to too short to UGK (hip hop), I enjoy jazz (bebop era), art (James Van Der Zee), wine (syrah), cars (Shelby 408/Ferrari F430), et cetera. et cetera. And I'm one of many.

          I'm not delusional but I've been able to get everything out of this life I've ever wanted either with the talent that I was born with (looks included) or hard work. Still working though…

          I'll answer any questions you want. I don't dodge anyone or any question.

          How about yourself?

          Bond.
          My recent post What if…

        • SweetSass

          Okay, two years is quite a long time… have you proposed to her yet? I mean… if she has all those things you allege you look for in a woman you should be wifin' her up soon, right?

        • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

          You didn't answer my question. How about you? What is special about you? Why aren't you married? How long have you been seeing this guy? Are you in a relationship or is it an acquaintanceship? If so, is that what you want?

          We aren't married because we share different faiths and ideas about how our marriage would work.

          It isn't about 'models'. I illustrated my point by taking the first pillar (looks) that guys are not receiving to illustrate how it could be attained, thus, resulting in only 4 other pillars that need to be addressed before the man will commit. Many guys don't want models, per se. They do want women they are attracted to physically. This look happens to coincide with the same look that models have. As long as the attraction exists, she doesn't have to be 'model' or 'vixen' status, but at least cute (to him). 8's and above are getting wifed.

          My recent post What if…

        • SweetSass

          Read my comments to Uncle Hugh. I'm not the one coming here acting like only my priorities matter and that I'm not settled down because every man I've encountered hasn't yet met my exacting standards. My standards are not exacting.
          :)

        • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

          You still haven't answered my question(s). Can you? I read your response and all I know (from your own account) is that you are not Ester Baxter MD and you don't think you're entitled to Shemar Moore with Casanova Chemistry. But is that what you want? If so, what's wrong with wanting that. Whether you can get that is another thing.

          I'm not like whoever these guys are you are dealing with, neither are the men I'm mostly cool with. We aren't playing Xbox all day living in our mother's house. I'm more inclined to think there are more brother's out there who resemble me and mine, rather that this lazy, undereducated, uninteresting guy archetype you seem to carve out.

          Me and mine can get what we want. Can you? And if so, why you so mad? (laughs) Why would you come on post that's about why men aren't getting married and the first thing you said in your first comment was about men walking away from commitment. Maybe he hasn't found a woman he thinks is worth committing to (respectively).

          Bond.
          My recent post What if…

        • SweetSass

          "We aren't married because we share different faiths and ideas about how our marriage would work. "

          Uh huh… riiiiiight.

          The defense rests.

        • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

          What defense? What case were you presenting?

          My recent post What if…

        • SweetSass

          Welp, you said she fits your critieria in every single way… but ya'll aint' marrying so… that must mean YOU don't fit her criteria in some way.

          Which only proves my point.

        • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

          What was you point? We're still together. I'm happy and she is too.
          I told you why we aren't married. You haven't told me why you aren't….among the other questions you dodge and avoid.

          Bond.
          My recent post What if…

        • SweetSass

          You can say you are happy but maybe you shouldn't be speaking for her. She might be happy for right now… but if she is indeed a devout Muslim are you sure she will be happy 10+ from now still not being married (assuming you never convert to Islam and live happily ever after)?

        • Bree

          BlkBond I think Sass is sayin when r u going to "sh** or get off the pot?" Meaning if this woman keeps her religion and continues to practice it and wants to raise your children as muslims and isn't willing to compromise on certain things will you either accept her as she is or let her go? It's really pretty simple imo. If you've discussed with her what she wants and doesn't want then the next question is what are you and aren't you willing to compromise on. Then based on those answers you simply make a decision on whether you are willing to accept whatever you cannot compromise on or not. If not then you let the person go and move on to someone better suited for you and if so then u move on to the next phase of the relationship and stop making excuses.
          Question for you BlkBond – If this woman next year after the new year were to ask you to make a decision as to whether u are going to actually marry her or let her go what would you do?

        • Adonis

          Black Bond's girl has to convince him why he should put a ring on it… Just like you have to audition for your ring in your relationship… Not the other way around… Unless of course y'all are carrying the household

        • Bree

          Adonis according to him that is not the issue. He seems to be already convinced. Based on his comments the only issue is that they are not "evenly yoked." The solution is to simply make a decision to either accept the difference or not and go from there.
          They both seem to be at an impasse on this one thing though.

        • Bree

          Adonis enlighten me please on how a woman goes about convincing a man to marry her???????
          What about if a man is convinced and he still does not see the need to get married, not necessarily to the woman but if he just doesn't believe in the institution of marriage?

        • Adonis

          Only deal with men who are about that married life… There will be a percentage of BW who will not be married for a host of reasons… But that will get you married faster than dealing with men who are meh about it

        • Bree

          and thats easier said than done Adonis….cause there are a host of men who will claim to share a womans religion and passion for art and the opera just to get with her because she is the finest thing he's ever seen……so how is a woman supposed to decipher the truth from the lies within a tangled up web of deceit.

        • Bree

          BlkBond many 8's and above are also getting divorced and men are cursing the day he ever met her singing 'Wish I Never Met her" like Carl Thomas.
          Just because a woman is physically beautiful outside doesn't necessarily mean she is inside and doesn't mean she has a good personality and is treating that man right and making him truly happy.
          Many people have their priorities out of order and don't do the right things for the right reasons.

        • Adonis

          Like… This is the version of man I will attain

        • Adonis

          Like

        • http://twitter.com/Amaris_Acosta @Amaris_Acosta

          What 'chu know about that "Finding women at pageants" game?
          LOL
          And "meets every standard with her flaws and all" vs "I've never had anything to complain about"?
          Bless your heart, you REAL southern gentleman, you…. :-)

        • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

          We OUTCHEA! LOL! Hey in April a friend of mine was trying to convince me to go to the DR for the pageant, I had to work, and as soon as my girl hear 'Dominican.." She started looking for tickets for two (laughs). Nah, an older attorney put me on to pageants and the beautiful and well rounded women who frequent them (participants and supporters).

          Bond.
          My recent post What if…

    • Bree

      marriage in and of itself does not increase your wealth….You increase your wealth and having a good financially savvy partner who is a good with money can help you increase your wealth, married or not. If your married to someone who constantly mismanages funds and has some type of bad habit and/or addiction that they blow money on that will not increase your wealth, if anything it will decrease it.
      Men need to be smarter about the women they choose and stop going off of looks so much. These women that look like video chicks and models can be the very ones who take advantage of that weakness that you have for beautiful and sexy women.
      One very intelligent brotha I know told me a story about his ex and what made him decide not to marry her, even though he loved her a lot and they had been together for like 4 or 5 years.
      He said she had her own place and a car and a good career but she spent way too much money on clothes and shoes and made frivolous purchases a lot, which concerned him. This was the only bad thing about her but it was a pretty serious thing. He knew that if he married her she could potentially destroy his credit and create a lot of debt and bills with her irresponsible spending.
      Even though she had these material things, her credit was not good and she had student loan debt and credit card debt and other things.
      He specifically told her, "If you pay down some of your debt and stop this wreckless spending then I will be more than happy to marry you asap." He told her he would not marry her right then and risk her ruining his finances. She verbally agreed to pay down her debt and stop spending so much money on clothes and shoes she didn't need. She had things in her closet that still had tags on them that she hadn't even worn yet. He said she did pay down some of the debt, but then she went out and brought herself a brand new car as a reward to herself for paying down some debt.
      So just as quickly as she paid some debt she created just as much debt with the unnecessary purchase of a new car. She already had a fairly new car and nothing was wrong with it.
      At any rate, that taught him a lesson and he told her he would not marry her and told her to get her finances together. This man was considerate enough to try to show her how to budget her money better and he tried to help her. He's a CPA and he said he would try to help her manage her finances all the time, but she only listened to him for a while and then went right back to her old ways.
      I'm glad one man could see beyond a woman's looks and paid attention to her habits and lifestyle and made the best decision of his life and said no.

    • Anoshka

      I am intrigued by the “mind” behind your response …. I wonder why you are not showing your face!! My career constrains me from posting a photo, just in case younwould ask me the same :-)

      Anoshka

  • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

    Sorry can't roll with most of these.
    My recent post Murci, Murci Me

  • Adonis

    Wisdom Khalifa, SBM, go get that Madame Noire bread… Get it how you live it…

    Madame Noire, I loathe the feminist undertones of the website, and like Clutch, they are HEAVY on the advertisements, so I need to be on a fast internet with high RAM…

    I like the fact that you are really trying to leave women out of the reasons why BM are slow footed to the altar, but let's keep it one million… If girls like Bria Myles (your welcome) were walking around portraying themselves sincerely like a Claire Huxtable or Michelle Obama, black men would be crowding city hall crazy signing that marriage license…

    • Adonis

      1. Black men as a group are not financially sound

      (me included…), my birth control game has to be A+ until I have at least a milli in the bank… And women of all races have shown us, that they are not willing to carry a household the way men have done historically… If/When BM get their finances in order & accrue resources, it sets the stage for marriage to happen.

      2. (American, & Maybe Western Black) Women as a group are not marriage material They are awesome for flings & creating children with, but because of the weight, high mileage on the vag!na, OOW children, bad attitude, lack of respect for black men no matter how evolved he is, even when black men get their financial houses in order, they will end up marrying non-black/foreign women…

      FIN

      • GirlSixx

        "(American, & Maybe Western Black) Women as a group are not marriage material They are awesome for flings & creating children with"

        This statement right here just murked my soul.. *smh* this is really sad. WOW!!!!

      • SweetSass

        I love how you bring up foreign women constantly… thinking this will spur some women to 'get with the program' and modify themselves so they can score a 'catch' like you. Lol.

        Naw. Them broads ova there can have ya… Get those green cards, Thai ladies, with my blessing.

    • SweetSass

      Pefect example of delusion I was talking about.

    • GirlSixx

      "If girls like Bria Myles (your welcome) were walking around portraying themselves sincerely like a Claire Huxtable or Michelle Obama, black men would be crowding city hall crazy signing that marriage license… "

      *FallsIntoGrave*

      Preach!!!

    • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

      I agree for the most part. Those website are built on agendas and Ideas to exploit a segment of women. By going to those sites, you give them traffic. With your traffic they are able to get advertising dollars. With those dollars they are able to accrue money/notoriety that allows them to write books. By belief: stop frequenting those sites and sites by beta males that are also running the same hu$tle.

      I purposefully left out women in my argument because: (1) the post was about men and (2) not to throw any shade. I think there is a way to address the problems without throwing each other under the bus. Also, from what I've seen/read on these blogs/websites, the women just become more hate filled, annoyed, with HOW you are saying something, rather than listening to how you say it, which absolves any attempt to solve or rectify the divide that's taking place between Black Men and Black Women.

      I've come to terms to believe that Men (myself included) have got to stop telling women what they're doing wrong. As you can see from the woman above, it's not resolving anything. All it does is conjure up a defensive response rooted in anger, hurt, and disappointment.

      I'll just focus on telling the brothers what we can & should do. Smart people will adapt and be happy. Others will suffer and the silence will be deafening.

      Bond.
      My recent post What if…

      • SweetSass

        I'm not hurt or resentful. I was laughing during this whole thing. I am in a relationship. I just thought your 'list' was funny and really one sided. Men stay talking about how women should be wife material and I've yet heard or seen uttered a concern that a dude is not 'husband material'…

        Each and every one of ya'll think you are hubby material… if not now… in the future. And the only thing that wouldn't make you hubby material is that you don't want to at this moment… not… reasons you are deluding yourself about.

        • http://www.theblackbondblog.wordpress.com BlkBond

          Well, to address what you're trying to assert (that some men or even me) are not 'Husband material', you have to define Husband material. Generally speaking: good looks, security, personality, values, loyalty, etc. If he possess these things, then usually the woman wants a RELATIONSHIP. Her indicated need at a relationship, especially past a certain age, indicates that she very well considers that man for marriage, thus, Husband material.

          Personally, I've have at least 3 of the women I've dated within the last 5 years tell me they wanted to marry me.

          Only reason I haven't married my girl is she wants me to take shahada and I won't. That's it.

          Whatever pre-existing notions you think you have about Men/Black Men/Me miss me with that.

          Why aren't you married (2nd time asking)? Do you want to get married to the man you're with now? Can you?

          Bond.
          My recent post What if…

        • SweetSass

          "Shared faith" is one of those things on a 'hubby' list for quite a few women. Not me, but quite a few. Seems the case with your boo. So you don't really fit her list.

          But I put forth my 'ideal traits list' up above… but as I said… I know the difference between ideal traits and things that are negotiable. And with the guy I am seeing, I negotiate those things he falls short of and appreciate who he is while still living my life. Plus, we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other, it's premature to say if I want to marry him or not. And I'm still young and deciding if marriage is for me, period.

        • SweetSass

          I don't expect anything. I'm not a demanding type person who is trying to police men into being 'husband material' as I see bloggers and male commenters are literally OBSESSED with policing women about how their whole lives should revolve around being wife material… Case in point: Adonis- his admonisments and wishes for women to be bangin', submissive, not independant but also not golddiggers, etc., etc., etc.

          I bring up the issue of 'husband material' to point out how absurd this whole trope of 'do this, this and this' to score a man' type of articles are… or articles that are apologias for male behavior saying 'women, you must just accept it' before they move into another article about all the ways women have to change for them. Bull sheeet.

          If I had a nickel for every article about 10 Things You Do that Keep You Single aimed at women… or even the suggestion that a single woman is an aberration… the baseline assumption she is single not by choice is present MIGHTILY in this site and others like it.

          It's insanity. Ya'll are crazy.

        • Adonis

          I like to talk in ideals of women, because

          1. I will put in the work to be the ideal male

          2. I will help women who have a good canvas to work with (childless, beautiful, had a good dad, intelligent, chaste) become an even better women. I am just painting on quality paper.

          3. And unlike women, where beauty & youth are inflexible to rise in social status, I am willing to stay single if I don't get what I want, & be cool with it…

          You women want everything in a man, but yet you don't have much to offer, and your best assets (beauty, youth, fertility) are depreciating, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

          So, you need to figure out what you are going to do with your partner, because they don't come better than him, checking for you… The men only get lamer

        • SweetSass

          Mazel tov! I hope you are happy with yourself because I foresee a long and semi-prosperous future with yourself… alone…

        • Bree

          I agree with the first part of your comment Bond. What one defines as "husband material" and "wife material" are relative to the individual. We all want and need different things in our partners.

      • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

        The "how" something is said is just as important as the "what" because how something is articulated changes the implications of what is said. Things do not exist in vacuums. For example, telling someone they need to get a job drastically changes meaning based off of how you phrase it. How it is said tells whether the person is mocking them, will be supportive, showing disdain, is actually apathetic to whether they do it, and so on and so forth. Why the hell would or should someone give any of their mind share to someone who ultimately is only saying something based on their contempt and embarrassment for you rather than from a place where they are trying to uplift and be supportive of you?

        • Adonis

          I just don't care as far as the on-line gender war… I'll get it together

      • Adonis

        Thanks for the advice…

        I just enjoy messing with them so much!… Gotta be more evolved as a man… Give me a few months

        • larissa

          Adonis if a woman had written this post would you have been as forthcoming? The point is women police each other's behaviours plenty. In fact women are harder on each other and themselves than men have or will ever be. The question is that energy that a lot of black men exhibit is better served policing the bad behaviours of other men rather spending that energy telling women what they need to do to get married. Marriage is a partnership in which both parties benefit. Yet men act like women wanting to get married is only benefiting women. When in actuality, men in are the quickest in finding and seeking long term relationships. Be the change you want to see in the world.

  • SweetSass

    We'll there are women who are foolish. This is a man's site geared towards males so I am saying something men can do to prevent unwanted babies… why are you so defensive?

    • Adonis

      Because, men are doing their jobs by copulating with women, they stop at p*ssy, spread their seeds, make there child & their job is essentially done… The only way they will go further than that is by controlling female s*xuality… Telling men to "man up" is pointless, which is what you & essentially every other woman who blogs/comments are advocating…

      And plus, most men who make the net to read & comment around these parts are childless or handling their fatherly duties.

      • SweetSass

        So you're saying men are no more evolved or higher thinking than jackals in the wild? And you say women think men are dogs… smh.

        I never said 'man up.' Again, putting words in my mouth I didn't say.

      • Bree

        Adonis there are just as many single parents as a result of divorce as there are single parents who were never married. Just because a man marries a woman doesn't necessarily mean he is a great man and responsible.
        Folks are getting together for all the wrong reasons most times….this is part of the root of the problem. Men and women alike are to blame….this will continue until someone stops placing blame and starts doing the right things. Men have mouths and can so no to women. If men would stop thinking they would truly physically die without sex and placing so much emphasis on it they wouldn't have half the issues with women that they have. Men – Just Say No!

        • Adonis

          baby mama is different from ex-wife…

          Y'all are not even giving marriage A CHANCE. But knock it at every turn…

          Men job is to get s*x from as many women as possible… Woman's job is to show said man why he should commit long term to her… Stop trying to give us two jobs, Y'all just don't want to be accountable for choosing the wrong men

        • Bree

          Adonis who in the hell told you that bs that a mans job is to get sex from as many women as possible? This is also how men get std's, get yeast infections and urinary tract infections from women, hpv, unwanted and unprepared for babies, baby mama drama, and women "trippin" and causin you grief.
          And if men are how you say they are and they primarily want sex then there aren't very many "right" men to choose from. Where are the "right" men? Maybe women would choose more said "right' men if there were more of them. Now there's a thought.

        • Adonis

          The men who you give your vagina to, is the men that you will ultimately end up getting

        • SweetSass

          I don't 'give' my vagina to anyone… they give ME orgasms. Thanks guys. *blows kisses*

        • Bree

          and what does that mean exactly????

  • lifecoachtisha

    "Black men don’t view black women as a team member."

    I desire a interdependent partner…oh NYC (why?!?! why?!?!)

  • Sith King Jordan

    *tiptoes over discussions*

    good post on mn bruh…i know for myself, that there are many black females that i have encountered that defeinitely catch my eye. right now for me though, the biggest thing is being more economical sound/viable, to me that's my utmost priority, making sure i'm financially, physically, spiritually doing what i gotta do.

    i do agree with another point, that we aren't unified, and we aren't seeking unity or teamwork. personally i peep how certain females can do the miss independent thing, and i salute them, congratulate them, and keep it moving. Maybe one day, we'll all agree on a set role of what males should do and what females should do…or maybe we will end up with everyone going their own way. however for myself, i just gotta do right by myself, and mentor lil' boys and show them how to act right.

    *sings Mercy Mercy Me to hisself*

  • Alakaii Hawaii

    Who cares why it takes longer. Doesn't that technically make men dead weight to marriagable women? Could you hit the high mark in a timely manner please….and good Lord be impressive about it. Ooooooon and ooooon and ooooon and ooooon about why you can't, what's hard, what sucks, all the stupid isht that's debateable between then and the moment you get a life — wasting time you could be dedicating to being great. Where is the energy to asend to a throne. You're not even curious about what it takes to achieve greatness. Such utter dissapointments. *throws hands in the air and walks away* Overwhelm me and be the isht about it. and not just once or twice. Be consistently incredible. Courage. Grasp the concept of courage.

  • http://youngheaux.blogspot.com Young Heaux

    To be honest, and maybe it's cause I'm still exposed to a lot of 20 something f#ck n%ggas, but I feel like a lot of black people don't respect marriage or love. I feel like when I hear discussions about this topic, I always hear excuses.

    There are a lot of drawbacks to growing up in a traditional culture, but one thing there really is, is a sense of duty and virtue felt in the getting married. That's just what you do. I truly believe it's another stage of personal development. There isn't and doesnt need to be an "incentive" women have to give…. it's just part of being a man to want to provide for a family, just as it's part of being a women to raise one as well. And I'm not saying everyone should get married or that they aren't elevated for not doing so, cause it really ain't for everybody–but if an entire generation of youth is growing up in a culture where "catching feelings" and getting "tied down" is looked at so negatively, then that's a socially and morally regressive culture, PERIOD. I'm just saying, stop makin excuses

    • SweetSass

      Yes, why all this talk of 'incentives'… hit the nail on the head.

    • Oh ok…

      Very true!@YH
      +100

    • Adonis

      To be honest, and maybe it's cause I'm still exposed to a lot of 20 something f#ck n%ggas, but I feel like a lot of black people don't respect marriage or love. I feel like when I hear discussions about this topic, I always hear excuses.

      LOL…, so you get the wisdom of ages from NC-17, and you are still exposing yourself to ain't ish men… Boggles the mind.

      There are a lot of drawbacks to growing up in a traditional culture, but one thing there really is, is a sense of duty and virtue felt in the getting married.

      Traditional culture keeps women in check, and in turn, keep men in check… Gender roles bring out the better in us & gives both genders most of what we want in each other

    • Adonis

      That's just what you do. I truly believe it's another stage of personal development. There isn't and doesnt need to be an "incentive" women have to give…. it's just part of being a man to want to provide for a family, just as it's part of being a women to raise one as well.

      This is probably why I wanted to rebut in the first place. In a traditional culture, the incentive to marry was there for men, it was built-in, no thinking required.

    • Adonis

      Our hook-up culture changed all of that.

      And I'm not saying everyone should get married or that they aren't elevated for not doing so, cause it really ain't for everybody–but if an entire generation of youth is growing up in a culture where "catching feelings" and getting "tied down" is looked at so negatively, then that's a socially and morally regressive culture, PERIOD. I'm just saying, stop makin excuses

      This goes back to, it's on BW to incentivize BM to want to tie the knot again, because marry a heaux is bad business.

      Checking for & procreating with non-committal men is bad business.

      Single mothers on the marriage market looking for role models for their sons is bad business.

      And women who are 30+, never married, wasting their youth and p*ssyfooting in their 20s is bad business.

      Checking for attractive men and hoping & praying he will make a good husband & father is bad business, which a majority of young (black) women do. Demanding a solid commitment before s*x is YOUR JOB

      "Cause We Can't Stop, Cause We Won't Stop :-)"

      • Young Heaux

        1. You don't know my life.
        2. You've missed the point entirely. You can sit around and say it's up to black women and act like you don't have to do anything (and you really don't…) But if you care about future generations of black people in America, then it is up to you to try and change this entire culture of dating/love/marriage. Cause it's not just black women "giving it up," nor is it just this generation "giving it up." I think people overexaggerate promiscuity and "hooking up" nowadays. Mothaf$ckers in my traditional ass culture were hooking up as youngins too. It's about the *mentality* black (and white Americans too) men and women have with marriage and the value they place on it. You can talk about women diminishing it's value by having sex easily or whatever, but you're kind of diminishing it's value by fixating and insisting on that idea. Marriage is only as valuable as we believe it is, and if you teach your children and those around you that it is, then that's how it becomes ingrained as such.

        • http://youngheaux.blogspot.com Young Heaux

          I won't touch on the "marrying a heaux is bad business" bit….but that makes no sense to me.

          And you're right about the rise of single mothers and lack of real father figures…. it's all a problem for anyone that cares about the black community (not just those who want their theories about incentive and what not validated)

        • Adonis

          I feel like you understand incentive more than you give men credit for… I'll take your acknowledge as validation…

          I believe that women who have been taking a lot of pen*s makes a bad wife… I am not certain on this… But I will bet it is true way more than it is untrue…

        • Adonis

          1. You are not that unique that you can't be pegged or explained…

          You've missed the point entirely. You can sit around and say it's up to black women and act like you don't have to do anything (and you really don't…)

          I am basically saying that if black women want a ring, you gotta put in work… But #1, you have to deal with marriage minded men, & not "20 something f#ck n%ggas" … The reason you expose yourself to those men, because you are attracted (cause if you are upwardly mobile, you could just move)

          But if you care about future generations of black people in America, then it is up to you to try and change this entire culture of dating/love/marriage.

          I am ambivalent on the whole thing… And will adjust to whatever the future brings… Black people as a group especially in the lower socio-economic rung, are not unified and/or not about putting themselves in a position where they won't be in some type of slavery position… Every man for themselves at this point

        • Adonis

          Cause it's not just black women "giving it up," nor is it just this generation "giving it up." I think people overexaggerate promiscuity and "hooking up" nowadays. Mothaf$ckers in my traditional ass culture were hooking up as youngins too. It's about the *mentality* black (and white Americans too) men and women have with marriage and the value they place on it.

          Again, it comes back to, WHERE IS THE INCENTIVE… Especially when it comes to the black community (most urban environment)… And from the male point of view, do you think that any black male with money wants to make it happen with today's caliber of BW… *shrugs*

          THe hook-up culture today is just a free for all… was it like that in 1950s just everyone got hitched at the end of it…. I doubt it… It happened, but not like in the 2000s…

          You can talk about women diminishing it's value by having sex easily or whatever, but you're kind of diminishing it's value by fixating and insisting on that idea. Marriage is only as valuable as we believe it is, and if you teach your children and those around you that it is, then that's how it becomes ingrained as such.

          You are just bolstering my argument why BW need to stop entertaining cads and check for dads at an early age… That needs to be checked….

          You cannot shame men on this one, y'all are giving us cards to play, and we are playing it well…

        • http://youngheaux.blogspot.com Young Heaux

          Yeah, we're really not on the same wavelength at all…

      • Sweetsass

        You are talking out two sides of your mouth. Up above you said all men are noncommittal with the goal just to score with a new chick… Then you say it’s our fault for picking noncommittal men. You are a simple a$$ fool. I guess we should all be lesbians according to your “logic?”

        • Adonis

          Quote me sweetsass and I will rebut… You are too far into crazy chick mode… And in my state NY… Lesbians can marry each other, so now y'all really ain't got no excuse for being unmarried

        • SweetSass

          I'm crazy because I can easily point out a logical inconsistency in your arguments?

          Uh, huh…

        • Adonis

          Basically I said in so many words it is a man's job to approach & get s*x from women, bonus from many women…

          Committment & convincing a guy to stick around long enough to raise jr is a woman's objective…

          But the best way to ensure that is to deal with guys who will marry you first, then make babies with him, which women are almost against to the 10th degree…

      • Alakaii Hawaii

        lol @ this accurate description of women. The worst part is the insane lack of character in men who prey on them. Fact. Good women want men of virtue. You WILL be checked at the door.

        • Young Heaux

          "Good women want men of virtue."

          YES.

  • Alakaii Hawaii

    There needs to be a universal ranking system. Order.

    Like that one car commercial where in order — or was it pizza — where you coul just — it was pizza.

    The lady walked in the grocery store and said 'I want this'…and the shelves brought forth all that matched her wants. And she said "I want this'….shelves brought forth. 'I want this…I want this…' until she ended up with the perfect pizza. Men need to decide they want to marry a woman who is already 98% perfection as oppossed to trying to teach and develop lesser women to be so. It not only wastes a good woman's time it takes away from the time you could be spending being a man who is 98% perfection. Be honest about YOUR isht. You need tweaks to please a woman no matter how good you think you are and be humble about it. Or if you can't match up to a perfect woman…stay in your lane.

    There needs to be order. Levels of humanity. Stay on your level. Stop mixing with mine. and if you ARE on my level, focus on ME. Everything else falls to the way side, breathe easy.

  • SweetSass

    Black men's inability to commit is what is keeping the Black community down and will continue to do so.

    • Erin

      I think that it is interesting. If you look at President Obama or Mitt Romney, then you will note that both of them were married relatively early. Obama was 31 Romney was in his early twenties. This is not uncommon for politicians. If you want to nation build then you've simply got to start early. Black Americans don't nation build, if we do it's ten years later in our 30's and is a little late to nation build.

      As Black Americans there is no definitive culture. When we got here to the United States 400 + years ago we weren't homogenous and we aren't now. Certain themes like religion, how to raise children, the role of the husband and the wife, saving for retirement, the ideal of family vacation, the importance of education for the next generation, and the emphasis on extra curricular activities for kids are things that get totally lost in translation. Even the idea of sacrificing for the next generation doesn't seem to exist. It's no wonder that generation after generation is lost. I was quite disappointed when I realized how hard it was going to be to find a Black American man who was from equal yoke and yes wanted to actually get married and have kids someday. (What do I know it may be just as difficult to find a white man of equal yoke. To be honest I haven't really tried that yet so I wouldn't know.)

      My frustration with attempting to get married is quite personal and it has been very difficult and frustrating. It's easy to fall into well maybe if I tried dating a white guy things would be different, but I know that's simply not true. At the end of the day, I know that I am a 26 old attractive Black American female, I have a master's degree, I make decent money, I know how to save, and I know how to invest. I also know how to be soft and feminine and play to the male ego. I have a boyfriend of 5.5 years. Perhaps I'm just a baby but, I doubt this boyfriend of mine will marry me. Having said that, where does that leave me? With the amount of time it takes to find the elusive Black Male and for him to decide he is ready to commit, I might not get married until I'm 35 or 40 if ever. So from all of this I have concluded that I don't need a man to make me happy, I'm pretty happy with myself. Above anything I really want to have kids some day. According to my family you don't have kids or get pregnant unless you're married. No one in my family has had a child out of wedlock and I wont be the first. :/ BUT, I may never get married. I know that I wont feel like I've completed my life's work as a female if I don't raise something! :) So in five years if I'm not married I will be adopting a tribe of kids. At least my life will be fulfilling husband or no husband. How many happy married people do you know anyway?

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