5 Things You Should Never Do When You First Start Dating

“No, please explain it to me, what’s wrong with using this LivingSocial deal for Nobu?”

The embryonic stage of your courtship, relationship or whatever you call it when you first start dating is quintessentially the most important time. While you’re excited to have met someone new or actually moving on to a new part of your life, it’s a time where you have to make sure you don’t ruin things by getting too far ahead of yourself. There’s nothing that anyone can do about what goes on in your head about your new dating adventure, but the goal is to keep those things from coming out. Once those thoughts turn into actions, things go awry. Here are the Five Things You Should Never Do When You First Start Dating:

Admin Note: This week’s mix from Carver The Great features a brand new mix based on today’s post and also a special podcast from me. It’s on the last page.

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From Our Partners

  • Stanley

    Is it ever simple to just stop doing those 5 things?

  • Bree

    Doc J I cosign on all these. Me and you are right <<<<<<<<here>>>>>>>>>.
    People do waaaay too much the first time they meet or go out with a person.
    One thing people need to do more of that they don't on first dates is HAVE FUN! It's not like you get to do fun stuff with someone your cool with and you vibe with all the time. So when I get the chance I take full advantage of it and have a good time if nothing else. I've had some really fun dates. Go to an amusement park, the fair, a carnival, the circus, or a comedy show or bar hop. Laugh and have a good time. Then your less likely to feel like your time was wasted if you at least do something fun that you both enjoy. There shouldn't be any pressure or interrogations or any of that. People need to chillax forreal and keep it lite. There will be plenty of time to exchange E-harmony compatibility questions and Lifetime stories after you see if you can enjoy each others company for x amount of hours in a day.

    • Angelo

      YOUR,SOOOO RIGHT! I feel guys get to serious to FAST, I'm like WHAT IS YOUR NAME,Please slow down please! it's a turn OFF AND SCARY! Yes,I Wont a man, but i what to know him first!!!!! SORRY BUT THAT'S JUST ME!!!!!!!

    • DeKeLa

      Bree, why do you make so much damn sense!!!!

      Marry me?

      (Yeah… I skipped all 5 steps…sowwy)

      • Bree

        lmao…..Wow…really DeKeLa…too much.

      • CLAUDIA KEISHA. ®

        lollllllllllllll

  • Bree

    Men really do all those things in number 5 – Fella's please – STOP!

    • Kale

      Um yeah but women do them too

  • Mr. SD

    Yep Ive def done all of those things..lol

    The killa for me is speaking in future tense..That always comes back to bite in the end. I cant help it tho, I be excited as hell!

    • Bree

      Yeah Mr. SD speaking in future tense is Not a good look. If anything I discourage guys from doing that with me too soon.
      The problem I see with men and women is that folks think they know you waaaaaaaaaay too soon. They've known you for all of 2 weeks,and seriously think they know everything about you. That right there is dangerous, and gives folks a false sense of security. Next thing you know you get ya feelings all caught up with that person and see all kinds of stuff you didn't notice before and don't like and your lookin crazy like wtf………..Gotta have patience and take the time to really get to know folks. It can save u a lot of drama down the line.

      • Mr_SD

        I blame technology. It gives us what we want too fast. We then try to apply that to relationships and be all caught up..lol

        • Bree

          interesting point Mr SD…..did folks have more patience before technology????? Hhhhmmmmm

        • Mr_SD

          yep!

        • Bree

          I think your right we did…..only because we had no other choice back then.

    • Dr. J

      man… that future tense joint is a good way to get gunclapped.

      • 48.

        lol @ gunclapped. Your expressions always crack me up
        My recent post Healthy Obsessions

      • Mr. SD

        Its def a killa..lol

  • shawet

    I never understood the calling every other day thing with guys???

    • Guest

      If I spoke to you yesterday, unless something particularly exciting or noteworthy happened in either of our lives, why should we talk every day? Men aren't into talking just for the sake of talking, and we don't understand how women can talk for hours about nothing.

      • Tracy

        LIkewise, If you're not making contact with me daily (texting, calling), I will set you aside.
        Example:
        I've known this dude for 2 years – we've not "sealed the deal", though he'd really really really like to. There was a 2 year break while we were dealing with our mutual relationships. Then he messages me out of the blue, he broke up with his gf and I'm divorced now, and expects me to stop my world to meet up with him. Um. No. He had to wait 3 weeks.
        Then another week passed with nothing. He had to wait a week to cook me dinner.
        Then 2 months passed before we had coffee at the mall.
        He's been asking to see me now for 2 weeks. I finally agreed, only because I knew he needed a shoulder – and he knows that I'm one of the few who understands.

        Keep in mind that he has not once gotten passed 2nd base (or 3rd, depending on how you look at it). He doesn't wonder why because I tell him.

  • Tristan.

    I'm guilty of 1, 3, and 5. 1 is being a product of a college student back when Facebook was only for college students. It became customary on Saturday morning to look up the girl you met at the party Friday night. #3 im just curious, 21 questions is usually my go to play and sometimes i'll get too deep. #5 i think is more of a defense mechanism, the introvert in me, if i dont feel the vibe i naturally fall back.

    6. Get Advice- The other day my homegirl texted me for advice…on a second date. I told her she's on page 5 and asking for a tutor already, she was offended like she usually is by my sarcastic humor but she got the point.

    7. Txt 2 mch- Piggybacking off the post from the other day, we all get too comfortable texting. I met a girl about 3 weeks ago, we've been on 2 dates, 1 phone call but we text all the damn time. Its convenient, and we have decent conversation but i've essentially lost any desire to see her. I bore easily.

    8. Label- Similar to #4, people are way too caught up in labels. Pet names, circumventing the actual talk and just assuming #wegotogether, wondering why the facebook status hasnt changed and its been 2 months, chill.

    • bree

      Tristan how come yall haven't just planned more dates???

      • Tristan.

        hard to match up schedules, and i think she might have a 90 day rule herself

        • Bree

          aaaww…..oh ok.
          In my "old age" Tristan I've realized that when folks don't Make time for you, they may not be that interested or you and/or dating and relationships is not a real priority for them.

        • 48.

          THIS.
          My recent post Healthy Obsessions

        • Jasmine

          Two date in three weeks is great! Especially if the parties are busy with school, work, or other things that existed before the new person came along. I don't think that seeing eachother isn't a priority, just not top priority. My bf an I go to the same school and we hardly see each other during the week.

    • Wild Cougar

      A lot of people have't caught on to your #7. Texting is a two edged sword. Its a convenient way to avoid talking to people when you don't want to. And a convenient way to lose interest. Because they become words on a screen and nothing more. I'm always surprised at guys who continue to text me expecting me to even remember what they look like. I will lose interest if there is no phone call or in person meeting after a while.
      My recent post Babyboy Dilemma

  • http://www.katwebbmusic.com KitKatCuty84

    Numbers 1-3 seem like the same issue, which is that you shouldn't try to get too much information too quickly, through unnatural means.

    I personally have never friended a guy I was with in any way. I leave that up to them and let them friend me if they want to share the information. If we become FB friends and it ends, I thwart my masochistic tendencies to FB stalk him looking for future women by blocking him.

    None of the guys I've been with have been on Twitter. No temptation there.

    Technically all questions are invasive. If you're being accused of asking invasive questions, you need to learn how to soften the way you're ASKING questions, and your wording. Ask away–that is how we get information–but make sure each date is not an interrogation, even a soft one. Try getting some information through OBSERVATION.

    Rushing is subjective. I guess it's only rushing if you're going one pace, and he's not coming with you (or vice versa).

    Some people have rules. I find it ironic to follow the "rules" in THIS article, that saying not to use rules. Anyway, I'm not against using standards. It is, however, silly to state these standards ultimatum style in the beginning of the relationship. Men often can view that as a challenge, find the loop hole in the rules, and then bounce once they've gotten what they want from you. Use whatever rules you want, just don't TELL them. Just APPLY them, and let them figure out what it takes to be with you.

    • Bree

      "Use whatever rules you want, just don't TELL them. Just APPLY them, and let them figure out what it takes to be with you." KiKat you need to put that on a T-shirt so you can get rich.

    • She1

      Everything you said was ON POINT!

  • http://yellowpinkies.com goldeelocks

    Funny yet accurate. I'm guilty of a couple. But hey. You live and you learn.

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

    the hate the rules thing when dating. i'm never going to follow some absurd rules regarding how i should date a woman based on someone else's experience. that's an easy way to cause strife. i go with what feels right. if a lot of people did this there wouldn't be a need for the steve harveys of the world.
    My recent post Build a Fence to Keep Asians Out???

    • Alakaii Hawaii

      This is a serious question.

      Do you ever feel as if you desire a wife….or do you just see a beautiful woman and feel turned on?

  • Alakaii Hawaii

    Do you guys ever act on the proper way to go about relationships, instead of just converging on the fact that you still do dumb stuff well into your thirties…..?

    This seriously sounds like a talk a father gives his fifteen year old daughter when she gets curious about boys. That trial and error crap between the ages of 22-35 isn't normal by any means. I would even go so far as to say you missed your opportunity at love when you exchanged it for having fun.

    I really wanna know how people feel still dating in their late twenties and thirties. Honestly. Not pretending it's a good time. Not pretending you can just shrug off the fact you're unwed and without children and you're beyond the optimal timing for it. You seriously exhibit the behaviors of an ignorant teenager and you have yet to stop. ….? Maybe these articles shouldn't be taken so lightly.

    • http://www.katwebbmusic.com KitKatCuty84

      Are you married? And how old are you? The way you talk, you've been married since your 21st birthday, and yet the last post I read, you said you were "almost" married, and decided to prep for that by "stretching yourself" with your jock friends. And that was in college. So are you, also, in the bracket you claim is ridiculous and still unmarried? I've read all of your ridiculous posts out of some masochistic impulse and I just wonder WTF you're talking about most of the time. WHO ARE YOU?

      • Alakaii Hawaii

        Um. I'm Aubrey Marie Forbes. *holds out hand*

        I'm not married. I've been proposed to once. I said no. I've had a couple offers that were kinda more like, superceding courtship and just pushing me towards like a business type marriage. Like an arranged type thing. And I've had quite a few guys offer to take care of me. and I'm only 23. So I was just wondering why it's so different.

        Because people were pressuring me into marriage 20-22 and I never behaved like the average woman 22-35 who is still single. I was always kept in a bubble where I had to be perfect so I was just wondering how it feels to be in your late twenties and thirties and still be dating and not to ever have had those kind of offers. Because I didn't wanna be married that young but I also need to know how to navigate the world like a normal person. but I don't wanna be thirty without a husband or children. but I was wondering if having fun is really worth not being married. and who better to ask than older people who aren't married.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          Or maybe like, if I lived a certain way but I want to experience normal social things and people who experienced normal social things but want to be married, than you guys can teach me how to have fun and I can teach you how to be married. and then I don't have to feel any pressure anymore I can just be a normal 23 year old according to normal standards. but if you're lying about being older and still dating than I should probably just stick to MY way of life because I'll just end up depressed and lonely if I decide to have fun now. Maybe I should just be happy. So I was wondering if you guys are actually depressed and lonely because you aren't married yet so that I don't make the mistake of having a fun, normal, social life thinking it'll make me happy as I get older.

        • http://www.katwebbmusic.com KitKatCuty84

          All the other stuff you wrote (but I didn't read) aside, you claim to be 23 and unmarried, which falls between the ages you gave for being "ridiculous". Please stop insulting the female readers of this site and then pretend to want advice from them about your dating life.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          I'm 23 and unmarried by choice. Men offered. MAYBE that's ridiculous.
          22-35. No one has offered yet. That is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous.

          The last thing I want from such women is dating advice. I want honesty. Is forgoing marriage worth having a normal social life when you run the risk of being unwed and without children? I don't think it's normal to be that old and without a husband just like I don't think it's normal to be so young and have grown men pressuring me into marriage. Figuring out the medium requires older women be honest with themselves and they aren't. So I'm honest for them. and now you can tell the truth. That doesn't require they try to tell me how to get a man.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          lol. You guys are weird as hell. You ignore my superficial comments, dislike the ones of substance, personally insult me for being straight forward, but encourage me to be vapid. Then when I ask direct questions or try to come to a cultural/lifestyle understanding, everyone stops talking……but then complain about not understanding my comments. Maybe you should push through that awkward tension instead of just telling me I'm wrong. It's like you're intentionally avoiding the truthful, deeper, core issues and rejecting me for picking up on it. That's not very nice.

          Going back to my original comment though, this article sounds like something a father would tell his teenager and yet I'm gonna assume most of the people who do these things are 27-30. Must be loads of fun. You guys seem quite content entertaining one another.

        • Joan of Arc

          Hello,
          what may be good for me may not be for others, you have to dive in and test the waters, listen to your inner voice and let go of my skirt young lady.

    • http://twitter.com/Amaris_Acosta @Amaris_Acosta

      Hey Alaska!!

      Listen hon, you become a single person in your thirties the exact way you become a senior ctizen- you didn't die, and time kept passing. It's really that simple. Maybe you had a relationship, it lasted for a while, and it didn't work out. Maybe you were in school. Maybe the men that were offering you their hand weren't worth your time. Either way, assuming a person is miserable simply because they are a certain age and unmarried is a bit presumpruous, no? Since becoming a wife/mother is one of many of my life's goals-but not the only life goal I have and certainly not the end-all-be-all-I'm doing quite fine and not miserable at all.
      Just an FYI-when I was 16 and a size 00 I used to say I'd rather jump off a building than be 150lbs. When I hit 155 at 22 I had a lot of crow to eat (or I could just commit suicide-but **gasp** turns out I wasn't miserable!!). You MAY want to refrain from er..gloating about how you have life figured out luv-before life figures YOU out.

      • Alakaii Hawaii

        Alaska? Meh. *shrugs it off*

        THIS is all I wanted. Someone who isn't bothered by me at all. I wasn't trying to gloat I just figured if I was nasty upfront and people could still talk to me than I would be interacting with the best possible people. So you're happy? I can't really tell if I am. Sometimes when I was in school and working I felt happy because I was knocking down achievements and personal goals but then I sorta coasted and I was like….I kinda wanna be a mother. but in no part of my life did I just chill and go out. I actually just feel really potent fear of making a mistake. There's like a huge hole in my chest where people should be and now it's filling with the desire to have a family. I really just feel like I was bred to be a womb and advisor to my man — which makes me smile — but I still only register fear. of people. making a mistake. I think it's either have a social life or begin a family of my own. I was just wondering how people who got to socialize and stuff feel when they're older.

  • Peter Parker

    I am definitely guilty of the 3 fella rules…I am just saying though Dr. J, a brother can't help it sometimes.lol Work in Progress…
    As a new entrant back in the dating world, #4 really blows me about some chicks. Like, I know I am good on paper, but you really want to be my "ride or die chick" after date #2?? Can I like get to know you a little better? I barely know enough about you to even warrant a conversation with my boys about you…

    • Alakaii Hawaii

      "I barely know enough about you to even warrant a conversation with my boys about you…."

      *checking my attitude*

      Can you please explain to me why all of my friend's boys know what size jeans I wear, the home decor I prefer, all my financial advise INCLUDING bits of propietary information, how I feel when I wake up in the morning, how many cups of sugar I like in my spoonful of tea, what flavor juice I prefer, what brand tissue I wipe my butt with…..and why all the sudden they're dating oddly similar women to me?

      What exactly are these "conversations" and should I be as pissed off as I'm trying not to be? Is that a nefarious thing or is it just a thing guys do when they're excited and not thinking how embarrassing it is for the woman.

  • Khoko

    Interrogate them…omg…question after question after mudda f***k*** question.

    • Alakaii Hawaii

      ^ Is guilty of that. Uncomfortable men are fun to flirt with though. It's kinda sexy. It makes me feel playful. but I'm gonna go watch a movie or something before I say something stupid….

      • Dustin

        You crossed that bridge ages ago.

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          as did the men who felt otherwise.

        • Dustin

          I thought you said that you were gonna stop before you say something stupid…

        • Alakaii Hawaii

          Hows about you say something intelligent and leave me speechless.

  • Streetz

    The Facebook stalking is a great way to get sent to the spam folder in my mind
    My recent post [INFOGRAPHIC] A look at the @WWE and the past 999 Monday Night RAW episodes

  • Alakaii Hawaii

    At any rate, "5 things you should never do when you first start dating" should not be the ceiling of conversation and discussion; if anything, it should be the complete base of commentary.

    Okay so you wanna get to know someone's life history (facebook), you wanna get to know their thoughts and quirks (twitter), you REALLY wanna get to the core of who a person is, make a connection early on, set personal boundaries in the relationship…..this easily could've been a discussion on the proper way to do it. It should not have been as shallow as it was especially amongst this readership and age group. There's a complete other side to it that no one has taken the time to figure out. I mean….people are supposed to get better with age. Nothing is going to change that fact might as well get used to it. No time like the present to figure life out with your peers, seeing as how so much time is spent here during the week. Might as well make it count for something.

  • Wild Cougar

    If he/she REALLY likes you, you can make all of these mistakes and it won't matter one bit. ;-)
    My recent post Babyboy Dilemma

    • Angelo

      NOT TRUE!!!! I don't CARE what u look like or what job u have or anything !!! if do this SHIT TO ME I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM U FAST!! and u don't look good to me anymore and your money is NO GOOD TO ME!!! I CAN MAKE MY OWN!! I am scared of U AND I'M GONE!!!!

  • jackson

    Sadly, My girlfriend and me broke up a month ago. yeah.. i'm young ,handsome,lonely and still hurting.i may be in need of someone to love..still..My friends told me about cougarkissing_ C0M and i got curious about it.. they met their girlfriends there.,It's the best place to meet a older girlfriend . i cant risk myself..So i got a usename(Qcdude) there in order to find a new girlfriend .Is it wrong?Jessica Simpson is fighting the battle of the post-baby bulge, a process she says is slower than she expected.

  • maplesugar

    it is true if he loves me my little mistakes will be something we can laugh about . If we can not laugh about it he will use it for an exit .

  • mlmvc

    Hello,everyone my name is Lilian from USA i never ever believed in spell until i meet a man called Dr upesa, who help me cast a spell that bring back my ex-lover who left me for one years before our marriage,His spells works beyond my imaginations and today i am happily married two kids and me and my [ex-lover] now husband are very happy more than ever before,what more can i say rather than to say thank you Dr upesa for been there for me,contact him today and your life will never ever remain the same his email is [email protected]

  • Lyly

    The guy I have been seeing for the last few months is an old friend. We ran in different circles for a few years and therefore, had lost contact. A few months after he had been single again; he contacted me online and we chat there for months. About 6 months in, we exchanged cell numbers and then, shortly after started hanging out in person. Everything was smooth sailing until the middle of last month. His ex started hinting that she missed him and he was very up front with me about not knowing how he would handle the possiblity that she was trying to come home. We still see each other but, a little less often. I miss him but, don't want to pressure him to make time for me. I admire his strength, as he has been raising their sone alone for the year since she's been gone. Something tells me that we could be good together if we just take our time and give our friendship a chance to become more. Any advice on how I can show him; without being "up his ass", that I am here for him…no matter what???

    • guest

      Theres nothing you can do to show him that you can be good together. Sounds like he wants to make it work with his ex. Time to move on for you. If it was meant to be he wouldnt entertain her advances and stick with you. You are clearly second best. If they break up again he may come back to you as his back up plan. But you need to have higher self esteem and self worth than to accept that.

  • newgirl

    I disagree with the fb one!

    A guy I knew from college and I reconnected, we never dated but I was going to give him a chance…well checked out his fb and he was married with two kids.

    When I asked him about it, he said he was separated and that his wife lost interest. That was so dishonest that I didn't even want to be friends with him.

    Needless to say we never went out and I ignored all the times he tried to contact me after that.

  • MissJaXon

    That damn salad fork huh? lol
    My recent post My heart: Today

  • Vivaah

    This article was very useful; and how articulately it expressed that which usually goes in the head of the people looking to get married but does not always get verbalized so clearly! This was my first reaction upon reading the article. I deeply appreciate the point on “ability to arouse respect”. This article exceeded my expectation and responded to my confusions about the issue – choosing your life partner – most accurately. I don’t consider, giving thought to what you want, in line of how the article explores, calculative and ‘would-take-the-love-and-spark-away’, at all. There is absolutely nothing wrong in obtaining clarity on the combination of feelings and expectations for matrimony alliance. And I see all the wrong with getting into marriage without having thought about any of these issues, seriously, because ‘not going with flow’ is unromantic! What, however, was missing was some discussion on the component of love – true selfless, genuine love – in making the marital relationship happy. I know this is not a matter of reiteration as it is considered given. But, in my observation of relationships, this component easily takes the back seat in the face of crowd of work load, responsibilities and in case of fights.

    • Vivaah

      This article was very useful; and how articulately it expressed that which usually goes in the head of the people looking to get married but does not always get verbalized so clearly! This was my first reaction upon reading the article. I deeply appreciate the point on “ability to arouse respect”. This article exceeded my expectation and responded to my confusions about the issue – choosing your life partner – most accurately. I don’t consider, giving thought to what you want, in line of how the article explores, calculative and ‘would-take-the-love-and-spark-away’, at all. There is absolutely nothing wrong in obtaining clarity on the combination of feelings and expectations for matrimony alliance. And I see all the wrong with getting into marriage without having thought about any of these issues, seriously, because ‘not going with flow’ is unromantic! What, however, was missing was some discussion on the component of love – true selfless, genuine love – in making the marital relationship happy. I know this is not a matter of reiteration as it is considered given. But, in my observation of relationships, this component easily takes the back seat in the face of crowd of work load, responsibilities and in case of fights. http://www.vivaah.com/

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  • Tblaze

    All of those rules are silly. I can’t see how an adult would have time to even engage in such silliness. As for a 90 day rule I am a supporter. I have never had a problem with keeping my legs closed. I just like the idea of knowing a guy and getting to know a guy without distractions. I would go longer sex is not my forbidden fruit. I have dated religious guys that were celibate. We had a great relationship. Sex is not necessary for love. The 90 day rule for me is something I keep to myself. The guy only has a problem with it when he knows he is under probation. Kind of like craving sweets when you are on a diet but when you were not on a diet you were not even thinking about it. So 90 days is the amount of time it takes somebody to normaly break character and reveal more clues to who they are. Im waiting for that reason not so I can keep my legs clothes but so I can see if he is worth it. Time reveals you. Either you sleep with the guy then find out he is cow shit or you wait find he is cow shit and dont feel icky that you have laid down with a douche bag. I wish I had a dollar for everytime I have heard “my baby daddy aint ish” or “impim pregnant and he said he is married” or “he said he worked in oil and gas and he is unemployed and live w/ his mama”. Not the kid I take a min of 90 days to research and check out and observe his behavior. If a guy loses interest good riddins he was not interested in me in the first place.

  • Tblaze

    Closed** lol

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  • Guest

    The "90 day rule" is not that simple. I am abstinent and it takes a lot longer than that to have sex with me. I am serious about relationships, I take sex seriously, and therefore I am not going to do something serious until the relationship is serious. That, for me, falls under the rushing rule. It has nothing to do with having trouble keeping my legs closed, I just want my man to be in love with my mind and heart before he has my body, and vica versa.

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  • Bob Camacho

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