Five Relationship Flaws Nobody Ever Talks About

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5. Instead of solving problems, you bury them

Have you ever had a huge argument and reveal a significant flaw in your relationship? However, afterwards, instead of talking about the source of the problem or seeking counseling, you thought time would heal all wounds? Yeah, that’s dumb. For example, let’s say you experience cheating in your relationship. You and yours sit down, discuss and agree that one of you is sorry and it will never happen again. Wait! Well, why did it happen in the first place? How does it make both of you feel? If you put that infidelity under the rug and walk away, best believe it will show up again one day. It doesn’t have to be cheating. People avoid their verbally abusive partner or they make allowances for selfishness; in reality, there’s tons of ways we bury or avoid problems than solve them.

I think it’s perfectly okay for couples not to reveal these flaws in their relationship to the general public or even their small circle of friends. The worst part is when you allow them to continue on in your relationship without a plan to rectify the situation.

What are your thoughts on these five flaws? Have you noticed that sometimes people tend not to share these, even with each other? What are some of yours that you have noticed either in your past relationships or flawed relationships of those in your network?

Today’s Mix, Shake Something by Carver The Great:

 

- Dr. J

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From Our Partners

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    “There’s three things you can always look at in order to tell you’ve gotten boring: 1) clothes;”

    Ouch. That’s me. Then again, it may have more to do with getting old than getting boring.

    “I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.” – Vanessa Bryant

    That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read in my life. As if making to the NBA in the first place is some minor accomplishment.

    • Dr. J

      However, Drake's line, "B*tch you wasn't with me shooting in the gym." Makes a lot more sense now.

    • GirlSixx

      You know what, I'm riding with Vanessa on this… ..

      You see this woman endured ALOT being married to Kobe over the years (public humiliation/constantly cheating, etc.) not to mention basically raising those girls by herself while he's away on games and such. If you read the full article — She DOES IT ALL with no help of nannies.

      • Bree

        GirlSixx I would feel sorry for Nessa too, but in life we all have choices. She chose to marry him having some idea at the very least of the type of lifestyle she would have and what she would possibly have to deal with. Now she made the choice to marry him, however, she can also make the choice to divorce him, (like she was before when he had that rape charge from the white girl, until he put that big azz yellow canary diamond on her finger). Two wrongs don't make a right, no matter how hard and how much u try to fit the round hole into a square peg.

      • 1prettyorchid

        I think Vanessa aka Ice Queen needs a sit down in my book. This woman by far has it made without doing anything but raising their kids.

        I see women doing what she is doing EVERYDAY, while working (2 jobs), in school, etc. These women are doing it alone.

        She is an enabler. Kobe is not going to stop cheating. He may get better or slow down but he wont stop. Im sure "Ice Queen" knows this. I could go on and on about these two but the train stops here.

        • http://youngheaux.blogspot.com Young Heaux

          You making it seem like raising kids ain't sh**. Sure, most women are doing what she's doing and aren't getting nearly as much financial benefits in return for it, but you can't fault her for being ambitious. She's like a modern day Cleopatra.

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    • http://twitter.com/black_253 @black_253

      I see nothing wrong with Vanessa's statement. She wants a winner. All that sacrifice and work you should be in a postion to win it all every year. I think she fired shots at LA LA & Carmelo. lol He is the only star in the top of that draft with no ring.

      • http://youngheaux.blogspot.com Young Heaux

        I don't see anything wrong with it either. *eyeroll* at the faux outrage coming from it. She wants what she wants, people need to lighten up. I honestly found the quote hilariously bold.

      • Bree

        Thing is Kobe can’t win nothing by his damn self. If the rest of the team doesn’t pull their weight it’s a wrap no matter what Kobe does.

    • Lara

      I think you are reading her statement out of context. Same as if you were married to a someone who spent majority of their time at work away from your family. You would want them to get promoted right? Have something to show for the sacrifice?

      • Bree

        You're comparing oranges and apples Lara. U can get promoted by your own merit and by yourself. Even if u work as a team on projects if you do exemplary work u can stand out above your teammates and get yourself a promotion. In sports it's totally different. U can give 110% but the fact remains u cannot win in any organized sports all by yourself. Everybody must do their part and make as much of a consorted effort as you do or else u will lose the game. Kobe cannot win any game all by his damn self unless he's playing 1 on 1. Kobe can only control himself, not his teammates. He can motivate them and encourage them just like the coach can, but it's up to them to do the work and play to win. So for her to say Kobe needs to get a ring as if thats something he can control and do all by himself is foolish and makes no sense logically speaking. Plus Kobe is popular and he is a star.

        • Bree

          Just as much of his money comes from endorsements and paraphanalia sales as it does his contracts. So regardless of whether he wins or not he's still pullin in millions of dollars and at the end of the day I think thats what she's really there for. I doubt she would be with him if he wasn't "Kobe Bryant pro NBA Baller." From what I understand when he had that rape charge she was almost out the door until he got her that canary diamond ring.
          Also, someone married to someone who worked a regular career and spent a lot of time away for work could Not make a lot of money, but they do what they do because they love it, and for them it's not about the money. The person may not care about a promotion, they're doing what they love. So having something monetary and tangible to show for it is irrelevant to that person.

  • Elle Kay

    “We’ll tell our boys she’s crazy, but we won’t tell her that she’s crazy.”

    Because men secretly LOVE crazy.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      a little crazy dont hurt nobody

  • Dr. J

    1. Waka Flocka – No Hands

    2. Juicy J – Bandz A Make Her Dance f/ Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz

    3. 2 Chainz – I Luv Dem Strippers f/ Nicki Minaj

    4. French Montana – Pop That f/ Rick Ross & Drake

    5. Tex James – Smart Girl (Dumb Booty) f/ Stuey Rock

    6. Future – Magic f/ T.I.

    7. Hit-Boy – Fan

    8. Ludacris – Jingalin

    9. Rihanna – Birthday Cake f/ Chris Brown

    10. Big Sean – Dance (A$$) f/ Nicki Minaj

    11. T-Pain – Booty Work

    • luvinlyfe

      This mix tho… *twerkin*

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    i agree with the list, i remember why Vanessa isnt usually allowed to speak, and only thing i’d add is

    6. Sex- ppl make it an awkward topic when it doesnt have to be, be real about it. Lay it out there what you like/dislike, will do/wont do or open to try. Why sacrifice your own pleasure

    • Dr. J

      iDied. Vanessa isn't allowed to speak!

    • Bree

      Cosign on your 6. to the Nth degree Trist. There are too many married folks not happy with their sex life and never had an orgasm….I'm like wtf! I don't understand it. I Never had that problem.

  • Bree

    Doc J all these were right on point. Cosign. These are a huge part of why the divorce rate is so high in the U.S. not even just among black people, but everybody.
    Have you noticed that sometimes people tend not to share these, even with each other? Yeah I have noticed that.
    What are some of yours that you have noticed either in your past relationships or flawed relationships of those in your network? My biggest flaw was selfishness and just how I perceived things. I realized in my early 20's that when your in a committed relationship that could possibly lead to marriage the one thing you Cannot be is selfish. This is the root of all evil in relationships. It's also something that most everyone is guilty of and what contributes to the initial breakdown of the relationship and/or marriage.
    I remember my grandmom tellin me when I was a kid that u can't be selfish and expect to have a great marriage. She was one of the most giving and unselfish people I know. Almost always putting other folks needs ahead of her own.

  • Bree

    You also cannot be lazy. I think this is also a big problem that I see happening with a lot of couples nowadays. Granted we all can't be "On" 24/7 365. We get tired and have bad days, women have periods and pms and have mood swings and whatever else. However, it goes back to the selfish thing. You can't get lazy on your s/o and still expect them to consistently fulfill all your wants, needs, and desires, and u sit back and take take take. It don't work like that. Sometimes u have to give, even when u don't feel like it. That is Real Unconditional Love.

  • Alakaii Hawaii

    The material of Kobe's suit matches the rose petals. Vanessa must have really good taste.

    I'm not sure about much of anything these days but I definitely don't want a man who isn't going to go anywhere. I won't say I'll marry for ambition but….I am saying submission to ambitious men is an instinctual understanding. and it feels safer that way. Security. I guess. I really don't know and I haven't put too much thought into it but I'm pretty sure the more accomplished a man the more willing/interested I become. and not even from a golddigger outlook but from 'he is my equal in life' sort of way. The lessons learned. The struggles. The suffering. Black men who are ambitious and accomplished should know what a struggle/suffering is and should be able to know a woman has the right to reap the benefits of his success, as his support system and partner. It's the breath of life. Let me just sit here and inhale you. Men get all offended. lol.

    • Alakaii Hawaii

      I highly doubt a man would share what he has earned on his own and I highly doubt they'd choose a woman to grow with in life but I can definitely see how these five tips help identify stagnant relationships or a pattern of stagnant relationships.

      • Alakaii Hawaii

        A sixth one for me is selfishness. A selfish man would create a harmful environment for his wife and children. I wouldn't date or even consider a selfish man. I would dismiss him to scavengers.

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    You make all great points that are right on the mark-I am a psychotherapist and healer and was very happy to read that while in your 20′s you get this…keep it going its great content! And you are learning how to smell your way around the pee in the pool…which is a valuable tool of discernment and needed to discern those who present vs those whose presentation is aligned with their actions in truth; then you get the deep reservoir of happiness underneath that-no need to settle for anything less.

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