Three Relationship Topics People Don’t Discuss Until It’s Too Late

Last week, I debated no less than three different relationship topics with various people on and off-line. Taken individually, no single topic was particularly groundbreaking. But, when I began thinking about them in total I realized they’re topics that we think about but don’t like to discuss because the conversation is usually uncomfortable. Instead, we avoid the topics and hope they work themselves out on their own when we already know they never will. Below are three topics people should discuss in the beginning of a relationship but they often don’t have until the end…

1. Is Being Faithful Hard?

Rather than answer this question, I’ll ask another question. If being faithful is easy, then why do so many people cheat? Have you asked your partner if they’ve always been faithful or their thoughts on cheating?

To be clear, I’m not only talking about physical encounters. Many people limit their definition of cheating to physical encounters. However, most infidelities don’t leap to the physical. You often work your way up to the physical point, so what about all those missteps you took on your way there?

What about all those indiscretions you overlooked, ignored, or somehow excused until the inevitable? You know the type: the extra DM on Twitter, the inappropriate ‘Like’ on a Facebook picture you had no business viewing in the first place, or the “hey, how have you been?” message to an X even though you’re in a new relationship. Then there is real life: the extra flirtatious laugh, touch, or suggestion you give or overlook from a person of interest. You know you respective statuses so instead you entice each other, playfully at first, until that invisible line between flirtatiously innocent suggestions and outright deceitful actions blurs beyond recognition. What then?

When I posed the question on Twitter, most people responded that being faithful is easy. This is an interesting theory. Are those who are faithful relatively stronger than those who are not? If so, what makes them so strong? Is it a strong moral resolve? Code? Ethics? Or do they simply have more will power than their cheat prone counterparts? Does this mean once a cheater, always a cheater? If so, then telling someone who has cheated to simply avoid or stop cheating is like telling a drug addict to stop doing drugs. Yes, you’ve identified a solution, but if it were that simple then no one would cheat (or do drugs). This is why I think it’s important to identify the true cause in order to successfully address the issue rather than make blanket and dismissive statement. Further, it may help to determine is it harder to be faithful than it is to cheat? Do men or women have it harder or easier? Is cheating more about avoiding situations that can lead to infidelity or having the strength to resist all opportunities real or imagined?

2. Is arguing a natural part of every relationship?

Angry White Woman

Last week Roland Martin tweeted:

RT @RolandSMartin: A # of youre saying how wrong I am. That’s because you’ve accepted arguing as being part of a relationship. I DON’T.

Can you genuinely remove arguing from a relationship or do you believe arguing is a natural part of a healthy relationship? What happens if you find arguing detrimental but your partner finds it natural? What’s the difference between an argument and a debate?

I always hate to prescribe definitive answers to emotional or subjective subjects. I’ve been in relationships where we never argued and I’ve been in relationships where we argued all the time. However, neither relationship was relatively better than the other. Sometimes the relationship I was in where we never agued might have benefited from us putting facts on the table, even if they made us uncomfortable. Conversely, in the relationship where we always agued, there were times when we would make petty arguments into grand stands, because we were trying to gain ground based on an important argument we lost days, weeks, or months ago. At times, we were immature and petty, but there were few times where we held back our feelings. Obviously a balance is best, but biting your tongue to maintain peace is often no better than getting everything out of your system in the present in order to have peace in the future.

3. Is your significant other entitled to your social media passwords in a committed relationship?

From Black And Married With Kids:

A Michigan man is now being sued by his ex-wife after he read her e-mails and learned of her extramarital affair with her (allegedly abusive) ex-husband. Got that?

The prosecution argues that he “hacked” into her e-mail, basing the justification of the charges on a criminal statute that is typically used to prosecute governmental hackers.

He claims that he used the computer all the time and she kept her passwords in a little book next to the computer. Simple click-clack of the keys and he was in.

Harmless, right? I’m not sure.

What are your thoughts? Do you have access to your significant other’s social media accounts? Do they have access to yours? Why or why not? Does not providing your password automatically mean you’re hiding something?

I don’t care if the Queen wants my passwords. I also feel like she shouldn’t have to ask. As they say, if you go looking for trouble, you’re bound to find it. In my opinion, you shouldn’t need my passwords because there shouldn’t be anything you ever need to verify. You should be able to ask me a question and expect that I will answer you honestly. If you don’t trust my response, then in my opinion that is the real issue. Some people say your wife (or family) should know your password so they can access your account in the case of your untimely death, to which my response is, “like hell they do.” If I’ve passed away, I can think of absolutely no good that will come from you having access to my various accounts. In fact, if I unexpectedly pass away, just throw my laptop in the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean.

Did you enjoy the perspective offered in this article? Check out our homepage for more candid content from the SBM team. 

1) Do you discuss these topics when you’re vetting someone for a serious relationship? 2) What are some other topics you’ve learned the hard way that you should have asked early on in the dating process? 3) What are some other topics not covered today that people don’t discuss until it’s too late? 4) Which topic do you know needs to be had but you hate talking about the most?

From Our Partners

  • DMarioIsajerk

    1. no being faithful isn't easy. Never WILL be as long as you can physically be attracted to other people.

    2. Arguments are natural, its how you interact afterwards or if you even RESOLVE the argument like an mature adult.

    3. FUCK NAWL. but the MINUTE you start doing things that are any semblance of sneaky, its GONE be a PROBLEM.

  • Smilez_920

    1) being faithful isn’t easy but it isn’t super hard . Not saying things don’t happen but people wlk in to SR looking for instant gratification and get the wondering heart/ eye when things get tough. I think if you cheat with one person it doesn’t always mean you will do the same to the next in certain circumstances. I feel like cheatin happens often because people are in relationships because it’s convienint. Once the convenience becomes hard work, people look for the next train rolling.

    2) I think disagreeing is natural. Arguing seems like a negative way to go about settling a disagreement . If you want to argue and throw low blows, be disrespectful, and not try to meet in the middle or come up with a solution then that’s not healthy. There’s nothing wrong with Havin a disagreement, but if you can take time out from each other calm down come back and talk with each other not at each other to come up with a solution, that’s the better road to take.

    3) If your asking me about my password then you don’t trust me. I have nothing to hide so I don’t care about you seein anything, but if you have to go out of your way to retrieve that info then we might need to slow down, regroup.

    I think people don’t discuss with their potential mate what a serious relationship means to them personally, what they are really lookin for until it’s to late. People kind of assume that once you become someones gf/ bf that y’all are on the same page and that’s not always the case.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      I think people don’t discuss with their potential mate what a serious relationship means to them personally, what they are really lookin for until it’s to late. People kind of assume that once you become someones gf/ bf that y’all are on the same page and that’s not always the case.

      I think this is an excellent point. I think some people see the commitment as the end of the battle. “I’m in a relationship now, what else is there to talk about?” I’ve seen a lot of relationships perish due to the belief that the exclusive commitment is the last step, instead of seeing it as merely another step in the process. That’s how people get emotionally lazy – and I’ve been guilty of this before. “They’re with my ass so they must be happy.” Not really. The convos definitely have to be more fluid and evolving as the relationship progresses; something I’ve learned thru trial and error.

  • Mr. SD

    Good Questions id ask :
    Ever got it poppin with another woman? This can be good or bad..lol

    Do kids annoy you? I have a daughter

    Dammit the hell woman do you at least have a stretch mark or some cellulite? i dont ask for much, you better have a stretch mark or some cellulite someplace in order to get a ring outta me!

    You believe in GOD? If not she out the door!

    Would you move out of state if a job opportunity became available? Im not leaving NY, damn that!

    U snore? She betta be the sexiest snorer alive or else she gawn!

    • WAChick

      I lol'd at almost all your questions! Why does she need to have stretch marks or cellulite?

      • Mr. SD

        War scars! I need to know she been through some stuff..lol

        • GirlSixx

          *LaidOutinCoffin*

          Smhlol…

          I hear that!!!!!

        • Sara

          I might have really just fallen in love over an blog comment…lol

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      lmao…all fair points however

    • http://leadingafricanamericanwomen.wordpress.com/ lifecoachtisha

      At least someone respects the battle scars! You been on it Mr. SD *ctfu*

    • bellatrice1

      These are awesome questions…*side eye* at the first one, but overall very insightful lol
      My recent post 10 Lame Things Rappers Do

    • Reecie

      snoring is lightweight a deal breaker of mine too. seriously, I sleep light and I can’t deal.

  • jdoubleu

    2) I don't think arguing as an act is detrimental, it's the style of arguing that can be harmful. As long as you're sticking to the current argument at hand, then it's all good. Let's hash it out and make up when the game goes off. But for some people, they keep a stockpile of little things to bring up and jump as soon as there's an opportunity to unload. To me, the only difference between an argument and a debate is 1 is based on fact and the other is based on pure opinion and conjecture. You can gracefully bow out or concede in a debate, but an argument? Man, I'm too old for that kinda stamina. I usually let the woman cook.

    "You should be able to ask me a question and expect that I will answer you honestly. If you don’t trust my response, then in my opinion that is the real issue " <— Basically! The password thing is a slippery slope. Let's say you do give them to her and she finds nothing. Then you choose to change the passwords. She decides weeks later to randomly check up on you only to find out that you've changed your password. An argument ensues and we're back to #2. Considering I lost my cool with an ex over some photos posted on FB, I've vowed to just not friend my lady. I won't ask her about her digital activity, she doesn't get to ask about mine.

    My recent post The Things My Father Taught Me About Marriage

  • http://www.trutheye.wordpress.com Enitan

    I agree with Smilez on all three questions
    But I’ll just add

    1. Being faithful requires a strong moral quality which is INTEGRITY. Not every one has integrity which means not every one can be faithful. For those who don’t have it, being faithful is a difficult if not impossible thing to do.
    2. Discuss? yes, Disagree? yes, debate? Maybe, Argue? NO. Argument is unhealthy for any relationship. When you disagree with your significant other on an issue, as mature people, you really don’t have to argue your opinions. Aim at voicing your opinion, but not in a heated conversation. If necessary wait till the heat pass and your SO is better inclined to listen and reason.
    3. Is highly subjective. As a lady, I do realize that some men are comfortable with sharing that privacy with their SO and others are not. Remember Marcus and Angela vs Diane and Terry in Why Did I Get Married too? At the same time, no man or woman should feel entitled to have their SO’s passwords. If you did that you would be asking for trouble in your relationship. Because that means atleast one of you, has trust issues he/she would have to squash.

    Another great post WIM. Bless you

  • Bee

    1. As long as you are attracted to others and others are attracted to you, being faithful cannot be easy. It takes a lot to constantly avoid/walk away from tempting situations so I personally believe that faithful people are much stronger than unfaithful ones because it is a constant and every day decision to remain faithful.

    2. I personally cannot argue but arguments and disagreements are part of life and aren't deal breakers for me. Finding ld a way to reduce them to discussions or debates, is critical though otherwise the relationship cannot survive.

    3. If you are in an honest and committed relationship, then sharing passwords shouldn't be a problem but then again if either one of you feels that it is necessary it means you have trust issues and that will always cause problems because there will always be something that looks suspect whether it is or not.

  • Chiomzie

    I must say i have an issue with your 3rd comment, people lie ALOT, especially when they know they are gonna get in trouble, so i do think we should understand the task we set to our loved ones when we ask for their blind trust. i also believe that real true love grants you privileged access to this such as passwords etc and i get that its a work in progress thing and can also be abused but that could make for good healthy relationship talks, don't you think?

    @Mr.SD ROFLMAO

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    So much to go in on…where to begin, oh yeah #1

    1)Its hard to be faithful, its like not killing ninjas. Cheating is like the name implies, you’re not playing fair, you are doing you but keeping one at bay for safe keeping, or you’re getting in relationships just to get the pink matter that leaves ur record *’ed. i think men have it harder because temptation is a muh, on average i see about 8-10 fine woman a day in passing, then you have social media with chicks throwing up CP3 come get it lobs, and then you have the fact that a lot of women arent as great girlfriends as they self proclaim. Its so hard #thatswhatshesaid

    2) I hate confrontation but i will get my Skip/Stephen A on with a chick. There’s no two people so alike they agree on everything, so if there’s no argument that means one or both sides are bottling up. Bottling up leads to resentment, resentment leads to lack of respect, once you lose respect that opens the door to cheating. Arguments are healthy, just don’t headbutt her.

    3) Somewhere privacy=hiding something. I blame the Patriot Act. I would never give my password away, i have a lock on my phone and any boo/gf that has an issue can go elsewhere. its an early test of trust and respect. i think my next girl i want a complete social media blackout, i won’t even friend or follow her

    • http://leadingafricanamericanwomen.wordpress.com/ lifecoachtisha

      @social media blackout – Tris, I've been labeled as a "suspected" cheater due to the fact that I dont accept friend request on facebook from suitors (truth be told, serious or otherwise) dudes favorite sayings are: You must have a lot to hide. {FOH} I just dont have a need for facebook validation if it was ever to become serious. No, the fact that I dont tweet has me allegedly suspicious as well. If this is what social media entails…Im best to stay in the lane im already in for real for real! Lol

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    *Marv Albert “YES!”* to your last point

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      this was to smiles #replyfail

  • Beef Bacon

    is it harder to be faithful than it is to cheat? Yeah…being faithful forever has got to be HARD as heck!

    Do men or women have it harder or easier? I think it is hard for both. Especially during the rocky times of a relationship. It is much easier to wonder mentally and emotionally when you are upset. That’s why you have to do those self checks and…..see below.

    Is cheating more about avoiding situations that can lead to infidelity or having the strength to resist all opportunities real or imagined? There are plenty of chances to walk away, such as the secret phone calls, the meet up, the clothes coming off, etc. At some point, you could have walked away. HOWEVER…this is hard to do, because all logic goes out the door once those hormones begin to pump through your body. That is why it is best to never go down that road in the first place.

  • http://www.katwebbmusic.com KitKatCuty84

    I'll respond based on my current relationship.

    1.) We discussed our fidelity records early on. He said, "as a man", it can be difficult not to cheat. It's a choice that's made daily when confronted with attractive women, and love for me is what always does (and will) make him choose me over some new conquest. The answer made me uncomfortable, because I have no problem being faithful (like, it's not even a consideration), but his honesty made me feel confident and I've never worried about him.

    2.) Arguing was a BIG part of my last relationship. My current guy and I BARELY fight. Like, we disagree on occasion. Mainly silly stuff, though, that dissipates in like 5min. That is SUCH a relief, because my ex and I used to fight CONSTANTLY. CONSTANTLY! Horrible fights. Fights where my super would have to text us to keep it down or she might call the cops. Not good. Terrible. Never doing that again. But I also think it's a bad sign if a guy is a grown man and thinks it's legit to never fight. That means he can't handle differences of opinion, and that is not sustainable.

    3.) That's silly. If either of y'all are worried about what the other is doing on their social networks, you need to address the real issue, which is that you're worried they're cheating. DO NOT go down the slippery slope of creeping and stalking and trying to guess first pet names and mother's maiden names to get onto their accounts. That is the road to a padded cell…ALONE.

    Questions I make a point to ask:
    1.) What do each of us consider cheating?
    2.) Do you have an interest in a committed relationship?

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      Your #1 is key. What one considers mindless might bother the other.
      My recent post Today’s Word is… LOCATION

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      I can speak to #1 from the male perspective and as someone that used to be a habitual cheater until like college. I actually used to think I was incapable of being faithful until I met the right woman and/or “grew out of it” but maybe that’s a chicken or egg discussion. Anyway I used to cheat because I frankly didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I attributed to the fact that I could separate the physical from the emotional so who cared? Over time I realize this was a selfish viewpoint because I wasn’t considering anyone outside of myself. I really didn’t fully appreciate the impact of my actions. I recognize this was immature but it is what it was. That’s why I think the discussion needs to be had because its far more subjective than people like to admit. We all know cheating is wrong in concept but people do weig everyday of the week so I think it’s key to understand how you and your partner view the subject, cheating in this case, so you can assess where you see eye to eye and where you differ. I find this helps both parties overall (especially someone like myself who flirts all the time and thinks nothing of it. I have to check myself sometimes as a means of respect. I have a very high tolerance for what ade considered “offensive” or jealous-worthy acts.)

      • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

        Sorry about all the spelling mistakes. #MobileFail

      • http://www.katwebbmusic.com KitKatCuty84

        Yep. Precisely the reason I make a point of asking. Some dudes think it's only cheating if your heart's in it, meaning they can do ANYTHING sexually, and it's all good, because, I guess in their minds, it's equivalent to masturbation? I can't understand that logic, but that's what I'd guess is going on to guys like that.

        I have a very strident view of cheating and appropriate behavior with the opposite sex while in a committed relationship. Otherwise, why call it committed?

      • Poetic Justic

        I think you hit on a key point in the end of your comment WIM…that resonated with me. It’s about respect. Being faithful can be very difficult for some in the beginnings of a relationship or during strains because you have to make a concious decision daily (maybe hourly) to respect and consider someone else not just yourself. Others may find being unfaithful difficult because they can empathize with the feelings of others (and thus don’t want to deal with the guilt!). About a year ago I ended a long term relationship with an unfaithful partner, so I’ve thought a lot about what it takes to be faithful and what leads someone to be unfaithful. Some behaviors that I have a lower tolerance for are due to my morals and others are, I admit, are due to personal insecurities. On the flip side I’ve come to understand that some behaviors and characteristics of my partner were due to social habits…he always had a tendency to flirt even before being in a relationship with me, close female friends, etc. Once we had a discussion about cheating…though it was uncomfortable for me having to reveal my insecurities… it gave him the opportunity to respect me and my feelings and attempt to conciously modify his behavior and it allowed me to identify if the value he placed on me matched the value I placed on myself. (I will add that I too made a concious decision to grow some thicker skin and respect and trust him in the “friendships” and “harmless flirting” encounters with other women). Well when his “gateway cheating” turned into a sexual infidelity, though he pleaded for forgiveness… “it was only physical with her”, the lack of emotional respect he had for me was understood by both of us. If you’re idea of faithfulness is not in line with your partners, have the respect to let them know and if you love them and want to keep them, have the respect to modify your actions. I guess some people find faithfulness difficult to discuss because accountability follows…

      • J.Crawford

        I was the same way, and I still have the mindset to separate the Physical from the Mental/Emotional. I cheatd on my s/o and had a kid out of it in the end; spent almost 2 years single and atoning for that.

  • GirlSixx

    Social Media is a RELATIONSHIP KILLAH!!!

    Why do I need to know my boo's password to twitter/facebook/instragram, etc.

    Is it really that serious??

    I feel like this — WE know, OUR FRIENDS -n- FAMILY know that we're an item, there is no need to broadcast on Social Media Sites. I will not be following you so please don't request to follow me.

    I never put my relationship status on facebook, I left it blank.

    My cellphone is programmed to lock after 3 minutes of idle time, not that I got something to hide it just keeps me from accidentally pocketbook dialing..

  • Pingback: 3 Relationship Topics People Dont Discuss Until It's Too Late | Life News 24

  • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

    1) Being faithful is as easy or hard as you make it. If you haven't laughed off advances from others then you need to find what works so that you won't be tempted.

    2). Arguing shouldn't necessarily be expected but disagreements will happen. There is a difference though.

    3) Passwords – why do you need my passwords? Seriously? I'm not of the mindset of "Well what are you hiding?" How about you have a little respect for me having some things that are just mine. If you want to know something just ask.
    My recent post Murci, Murci Me

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      This. then you need to find what works so that you won’t be tempted.

      Most wrote a post here about this. Back in the day I always ended up in situations I had no business being in. In Most post the man went to see an X in the hotel thinking “what’s the worst that could happen.” Me? I’d just never go. I tend to think “the worst COULD happen” so I just take my black ass on home to my wife. All this technology? No reason for us to meet up face to face at 2am under the guise of innocence.

      No thanks.

      • Bree

        Very good WIM

  • bellatrice1

    I think it's easier for women not to cheat because men are extremely visual. The visual can get them caught up in an instant, whereas women can be attracted to certain men, but his personality and such will play a larger role in the attraction. I don't know the numbers, but I would venture to say most women cheat with a man they know on some personal level, not a complete stranger. For men, I would say it's the opposite.

    I don't think arguing is necessary, and like others, I think there's a difference btwn arguing, debating, and simple communication. We all can and know how to communicate what we like and dislike w/o name calling and throwing stuff. If you can't, then you're immature. Therefore, I don't think arguing is necessary in a relationship, but there will be disagreements. Debate I see as more of discussion that involves non-relationship topics that partners have varying opinions. These also should not escalate into arguments.

    No exchanging of the passwords. I think that hints at a trust issue, and not trusting me is the bigger problem. I also tend not to have guys I'm dating as friends/followers on social media. It's not a good idea unless you're married.
    My recent post 10 Lame Things Rappers Do

  • krystllyght

    1. No I don't think being faithful is hard. I don't like trying to compare struggles but I will say that I think women may have it more difficult. I've surveyed exactly one dude on this (lol) but it seems that women are constantly being given opportunities to cheat since guys like to pursue more than women do. Sure you have the hussies who target married men but IMO women leave the house and that somehow opens a floodgate of thirsty dudes.
    2. I don't think arguing has to be a part of each relationship. It mostly depends on the personalities of the people in it. My husband and I disagree often but we hardly argue.
    3. I agree with Animate upthread.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      #1… I def agree women are presented with more opportunities but I also think they’re more complex. Since, generally speaking, women require *both* a physical and emotional attraction to a man to justify cheating men, again generally speaking, only require a physical attraction. The threshold is lower. This, however, is independent of a moral or ethical view; although, as I wrote about in the Men Are Not Prefect Vol 1 piece, men don’t see eye to eye in that regard either.

      I think Kat Webb explained well how (some) men think even if she doesn’t understand how or why they think that way. That’s why I think it’s important for these men to think beyond themselves. You have to take the next step beyond “does this bother me?” and asks “would this bother my wife?” Those aren’t always the same answer.

  • Melissa

    1. The difficulty of being faithful is subjective. To a morally and ethically integrated person, it is quite easy, to a non morally and ethically integrated person, it is hard–it's second nature to this calibre of people.

    2. Conflict is natural. Arguing is just the method of expressing this conflict. The depth (aggressiveness) and frequency of the arguing is what is questionable. If the couple is engaging in serious argument ever so often then I don't think that is natural. I mean, what could you possibly be arguing about ever so often? It most likely is just BICKERING about trivial things, which as well is quite immature and unnatural.

    3. No.

  • Bree

    Do you discuss these topics when you’re vetting someone for a serious relationship? I discuss every single thing I want to know and feel is important to me thruout the course of the relationship. I'm pretty up front and don't like to beat around the bush so I ask questions up front. The ones posted I definitely do discuss.
    2) What are some other topics you’ve learned the hard way that you should have asked early on in the dating process? What specifically does that person consider cheating? Have you ever cheated? If so why? Let me see your test results? (most times no "chex" is had til I see test results. One ex had his Dr. call me and tell me personally that he was clean). Don't fall for the "they just told me I was negative, they don't give you anything on paper." You can get all your test results on paper.

  • Bree

    3) What are some other topics not covered today that people don’t discuss until it’s too late?
    Once u start sleeping with a person, both of your sexual history needs to be discussed and both people should be tested. Most folks hate discussing their ex's. I always ask folks about ex's and want to hear about their ex and the nature of the relationship and the reason for the breakup and if there is anything unresolved. I think ex's should be discussed because u may be able to pick up on a pattern of some sort that can give u some insight into that person's dating history and the type of people they seem to attract, and be attracted to. I also ask people what mistakes they feel they made in past relationships, if they have any regrets, and what they would do differently. I want to see if they own up to their part in the breakdown of the marriage, or relationship, or if they put everything on the other person.

  • Bree

    4) Which topic do you know needs to be had but you hate talking about the most?
    STD's and sexual history. Definitely something people need to talk about more but they don't. Many people don't want to know about a persons sexual history. Again it can give u a lot of insight into that person.
    Many times there are obvious signs of a persons short-comings. People don't see them because they are either not paying close enough attention, ignoring them, or they haven't asked the right questions. Folks don't ask if the person is straight or had any type of sexual experience with the same sex and you should. If u don't and u find out later on by default that a person is bisexual then they will say, "I never told you because you never asked."

  • Bree

    Re to the questions posted – Being faithful is as hard as you make it. As I was told as a child, "you can do anything u put your mind to." If you really want to be faithful and you make every effort to do so, then you will be faithful.
    There is nothing wrong with debating and some conflict. Realistically you will not agree on every single thing over the course of 10+ years. It's how you debate and handle the conflict. It boils down to maturity level and being able to "fight fair." Not purposely trying to hurt each other with words and not pouting and complaining and bitching unnecessarily. If u really love somebody, (for the right reasons) u don't do and/or say things to hurt them. If ur not satisfied with something u speak on it and effectively communicate your issues. You discuss things maturely to come to a resolution and compromise, not just talking to hear yourself talk and always try to win and be right and have the last word.
    As for the passwords thing, thats about trust. Either u have it completely, or you don't. Where there is no complete trust, there is not much to the relationship. Imo trust is part of the foundation of every relationship.

  • Dr. J

    This is how I would respond to any of these questions on a date.

    1. Is Being Faithful Hard? Trick question.
    2. Is arguing a natural part of every relationship? Nope.
    3. Is your significant other entitled to your social media passwords in a committed relationship? Peace.

  • MeteorMan

    Let’s see… I straight up ask women about their family’s medical history. Ish is important if your considering kids for obvious reasons. But also you’ll understand the dynamics within their family better. I had an ex where her mother used to treat her husband like trash. Like I thought she was crazy. Low and behold, her mother was reacting to dealing with a very high functional achololic. so first I didn’t know almost all the older guys in her family was alcoholics and secondly, that totally explained the reason why her mother always went in on dude.

    Aight… Don’t be mad but… Being faithful is easy (for me). I don’t cosign the whole cheating is built into my DNA story… I can say this because it takes a LOT to get me to want/agree to be exclusive. I don’t just go waltzing into relationships all gravy because I think I like them.. Nah… We can just smash if it’s just that… I need a legit connection and ish has to make sense to my brain. There has to be some compatibility. Like someone said above, a lot of folks are in relationships out of convenience (and loneliness). I don’t do that. There are the women that will try to bully/push you into a relationship, maybe because you had sex. That don’t fly. And don’t sugar coat. I don’t commit unless I KNOW its the move. Why? Because my loyalty is valuable. I won’t go devalue myself my going against my own words. That’s wack. If I’m with someone, I’m attracted to them. Not saying there aren’t other attractive women, but my attraction to my mate precludes it. It’s really that simple. Now… If I’m no longer attracted to my SO, I just roll and upgrade. Really its either upgrade or love who and how they are. Anything else is a waste of time. attraction = physical + personality + your propensity to annoy me.

    • Poetic Justice

      "Becuase my loyalty is valuable."

      +1

    • Laney

      I always felt like that was the problem. If a person was ever at a point in their life where cheating was normal, then I feel like they would say remaining faithful is difficult. If you are the type of person that has always valued a committed relationship and didn’t get into one unless you knew you were really in it for real, I don’t see being faithful as being too much of a problem for him or her. I think a person’s past came sometimes leave permanent (although faded) scars. Same way a recovered alcoholic still does an inward battle every day to resist going back to that life. But I do think the ‘right’ person can curb that desire significantly.

  • TyreeH

    1) I think being faithful shouldn’t be hard, but a lot of factors come into play when I think about this question. I really think how happy someone is in a relationship dictates if a that person will remain faithful through the duration of the relationship. I really feel that people do not cheat unless they “feel” like they had a good reason. So, basically, “what one person won’t do another one will” theory, which often the person that cheats does not discuss the issue(s) they have with their significant other. And, to be honest, I think some guys take joy in just being a hoe/stud. Then, they can bring to the fellas about their most recent conquest. But, that is another subject for another day.
    2) “argue
    Verb: Give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share one’s view.
    Persuade someone to do or not to do (something) by giving reasons: “I tried to argue him out of it”.”
    I posted this definition because I felt like some people take the word and always put it in a hostel context, but that doesn’t always have to be the case. I do not think arguing is a natural part nor is it completely avoidable. But, when one truly understand the definition, I feel like their is nothing wrong with arguing in the context of it’s definition. But, I feel that this subject is talking more about fighting than a simple argument, which I do not agree at all that this is a natural part of a relationship. I find that kind of thinking to be a little asinine and just turns small problems into big ones because you couldn’t control the tone of your voice.
    3) To be honest, I don’t care if my significant other had the password to my social media networks. I really have nothing to hide but, I would feel compelled to know why does she want them or need them? If she has a trust issue then we need to talk about it.

  • Alakaii Hawaii

    When I get to the point cheating is a valid option for me it’s because I’ve been put through some sh*t. The person I’m with wasn’t paying attention to what I’m saying and my needs are being neglected. Loyalty, for me, is a personal code of ethics. Honoring a bond I have with someone within any circumstance and morality is my nature. It’s easy for me. Faithfulness is personal satisfaction. I consider my life dismal and tragic and the best way to get through was to just tell myself I don’t need anyone or anything and to become completely self-sufficient. Having someone to be human with and acknowledge human things was a life epiphany deriving from my soul. I’ll only have that connection with him; HOWEVER, he doesn’t fufill those needs. He just makes me painfully aware I have them. Faithfulness is hard because I need a man to satisfy me across the board. When I’m not satisfied I suffer and when I’m tired of suffering I seek satisfaction.

    Arguments are unnecessary when in a relationship with me. Conflict is not something I want in my life anymore so my communication skills matured. Men who argue with me just for the sake of arguing or men who debate me just for the sake of doing it are men I wouldn’t be with. Men who seek to understand just for the sake of being an adult and caring for me, there’s no need for arguing. In an almost five year obviouslymorethanfriendship, we had one argument. He just learned to speak me fluently and we were able to communicate with one another in a spirit of love.

    He can have my passwords but I don’t want his.

    “Which topic do you know needs to be had but you hate talking about the most?”
    Sex. I never learned how to be physical within a relationship. There’s a lot of fear and uncertainty there and I’m sre to men it’s quite palpable so as opposed to me walking up to a guy I like and going ‘hey, can you f*ck me until I’m used it?’ I should probably just have quite a few discussions about it. It’s starting to depress me people who love me can’t touch me.

    Also, secrets. I have stuff to get off my chest that I would think would affect a man and his life with me so I’d wanna be upfront about all that stuff I hold in or don’t deal with just so he’ll know upfront what he’s getting into with me. I don’t wanna be a time bomb with invisible wires.

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  • Dana

    1. Being faithful has never been an issue for me. If I was with a partner that felt different from me I think I would have some trust issues surrounding that. It's not as though I am not willing to acknowledge that there are other good looking and interesting people, but I expect the person I'm with to be able to control their impulses. And at the end of the day, if seeing what else is out there seems more appealing than having me in their life – then please just go.

    2. Arguing should be present but like others have said, it's more about how it's done. I personally am a pretty hard person to get riled up. If you have me raising my voice than it's a VERY BAD sign that things aren't gonna work.

    3. I don't think there is any reason to have access to passwords. The truth is, if your partner is running around on you – you will find out other ways. If you want passwords, it's probably just to confirm what you already know.

  • Dana

    I do think that sexual history, safe sex, and STI's should be talked about more. I mean really, most STI's show no symptoms. So people that "think" they're clean – really don't know. Plus, at least in Canada, when you get standard STI checking you just pee in a cup. That doesn't test for Herpes, Syphyllis or HIV. You have to request bloodwork to have that done. This whole subject does allude to flaws in the education system in general though. Most people just don't know.

  • Muffie Bradshaw

    I LOVE this! These questions should be perquisites for everyone…I just wonder who's ballsy enough to ask them and answer them truthfully.
    My recent post What’s your Biggest Dating Pet Peeve?

  • rooseveltdunn

    1) Cheating is about individual character and personal maturity, those mature enough and smart enough won't cheat

    2) arguments are normal sometimes even healthy, how you argue is what matters.

    3) Passwords and accounts info should not necessarily be required by the significant other but if you have nothing to hide why would sharing such password be a problem?

    • Chlos

      Yea I've given my password to him when my internet's been out or when he's been the one using the computer, and he's given his password to me in similar situations. I don't think it's a problem for either of us, its not like a) we have something to hide or b) we think the other one is going to check our mail regularly. (Also, most of my mail is in a language he doesn't understand… so there is that.) So I don't see where the problem is either, I guess if the someone demands the password…?

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