A few years ago, I wrote a piece entitled, Ten Things Men Find Unattractive in Women But Probably Won’t Tell You. It’s been a pretty popular piece here on SBM, but it has always needed a reply from a woman’s perspective. Guest writer, Patia Braithwaite was gracious enough to leave us this post in reply. – Dr. J
I know we don’t know each other all that well, but allow me to confess: I’m a jerk. As a result of my snarky brutally honest ways, I found it hard to think of unattractive qualities that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with my my partner. Typically, if I don’t like something I share it (which is why I’m single), but — in an effort to remain honest and authentic — here is a list of deal breakers I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing:
1. Men with Ambition Imbalances:
I love a purpose-driven man. I am insanely attracted to men that work hard, have a vision and are actively trying to achieve that vision; however, if I get the sense that a man would stab me dead and step over my cold body to get to the top, I can’t take him too seriously. Men, keep that in mind when we meet at the bar and you try to impress me with stories about your cut throat attitude and your proclivity to check your Blackberry during sex. I’ll nod and smile, but you can’t be my boyfriend. Conversely, if you have no job and/or no ambition, we can’t be together. Ambition is a necessary spice of life, but it’s not the entire meal. Savor relaxation, savor balance, and savor me.
2. Men who aren’t funny:
I’ve been told I laugh like an old man. It starts deep in the belly and rolls up and out of my mouth. It’s loud and embarrassing, and — sometimes — it’s better than sex. I will never find a man that can’t make me laugh attractive. I also really hate dealing with men who crack corny jokes. I have to pretend to laugh, this encourages the man to keep trying, and it’s generally a bad time for everyone involved. Laughter may seem silly to some, but it’s a necessity for me. Life is too short and I can be far too serious — laughter reminds me to chill out.
3. The Inauthentic Nice Guy:
I love genuinely nice people: they smile, they are attentive, and they make the world a better place. That said, the inauthentic nice guy is super unattractive. His kindness is rooted in a lack of self-worth, a need to please EVERYONE at the expense of his own happiness. This man, in a relationship, is a pushover. I’m not asking to date a complete asshole, but healthy boundaries are part of being an adult. Also, a lack authenticity of any sort is unattractive for me.
4. Men who suffer from “little man syndrome”:
See, I’ve dated guys who were short. Height has never been an issue for me. I throw on heels , they come up to my neck, and we ride out. I’m actually cool with it — it makes me feel like a model. That said, I can’t deal with men who are always trying to compensate for their stature. Relax. Put your arms down. Stop talking about the time you stomped out a dude twice your height. Own your size. Own all of your flaws for that matter. Good things can come in small packages, and I’m open to accepting all packages, as long as their good enough (pun intended).
5. Men who can’t defend themselves:
I know I’m going to catch flack for this, but I don’t care. Call it carnal, call it archaic, but if a man can’t defend himself, I can’t take him seriously. After several seasons of careful reflection True Blood, I have come to terms with my werewolf alpha-driven fetishes tendencies. I don’t ever ever want to be with a man who goes around picking fights. EVER! (Seriously, we’re too old, and dudes that pick fights are extremely unattractive.) But I do need to know that you and I can go all Resident Evil together when the zombie apocalypse hits. I’m a survivor. My man must be one as well.
6. Men who only look fly with a hat (or other items of clothing) on:
Ladies, I know it’s not just me. We’ve all been deceived by a man who was gorgeous with his hat on, but looked crazy when he took it off. Just like men appreciate natural beauty, I appreciate a man who is sexy without covering half of his face. I can already hear men rallying against Spanx, wonder bras and weaves as I type this…
7. Men who don’t care about their health:
I’m not perfect: I don’t exercise as much as I’d like (I used to be a distance runner), and sometimes I fall short of my diet objectives (fried chicken is my weakness), so I’m not expecting to date a man who is the pinnacle of health, but if a man has beer for breakfast and cigarettes for lunch, there’s a strong chance I might be repulsed by him. As I get older, I’m becoming more interested in partnerships that have potential to last a lifetime. With the understanding that men die earlier than ladies anyway, I need to know that my man is making some strides to go the distance.
8. Cheap Men:
Let me be clear: I understand the importance of budgeting and frugality. As a late twenty-something, I respect a long-term savings plan and the wisdom that keeps a person from balling out. That said, often cheap men aren’t just skimping on money: they are often cheap with their time, cheap with their emotions, and cheap with their level of creativity. Cheap men are often holding back all of their resources for some future plan. I’m perfectly content if our date includes a beautiful park, cheap wine, and my favorite taco truck delights; however, more often than not, cheap men don’t take the steps required to create ambiance or luxury thru experience. They think more about their money than they do about me. So, if we’re standing at the dollar pizza spot and sharing a slice and a soda, it’s not about the money at that point. It’s about how your perceived lack keeps you from seeing more interesting possibilities in life.
9. Men who smell funny.
Man-scent can be intoxicating. It can drive me to wear a t-shirt that doesn’t belong to me just to inhale and relive the memory. Basically, a good man scent turns me into a creeper. Good smells evoke good feelings, but bad smells? I can’t take men who smell funny seriously. If his breath smells like coffee and hard boiled eggs, if he doesn’t use deodorant regularly, thinks it’s appropriate to wear Axe, his jeans smell like they need to be washed, or his sweat smells like yesterday’s Happy Hour session, I really can’t deal. I have to like the way you smell. Point blank.
10. High-maintenance men
I went to an art exhibit with a date and when we got there we discovered the artist (for some unknown reason) covered the entire gallery floor with dirt. As my date and I approached the entrance he stopped short and looked at me mortified. “Oh no, let’s skip this” he said, “I can’t get my sneakers dirty.” It was a funny moment, and my date did risk mud stains for the sake of art, but the incident exposes a truth for me: I love a well-dressed man, but if vanity impedes on my desire to explore and experience new things, we just aren’t compatible.
Well folks, that’s my list! I deliberately challenged myself to think beyond penis issues and things like that, but I’m excited to hear from you guys: Ladies and fellas, what are some things you find unattractive about the opposite sex, but wouldn’t tell them?
Patia Braithwaite is a Brooklyn-based relationship writer. Her work has been featured in The Coral Gables Gazette, Florida Inside Out Magazine, Yahoo Shine, and BounceBack.com. She’s currently working on a non-fiction book that explores the various ways men see God and how these views impact their romantic relationships. Check out her musings and more at: www.menmyselfandgod.com