Domestic Violence: Imperfections of a Seemingly Perfect Girl

  • Share on Tumblr

This will make sense a little later.

SBM has decided to become an official sponsor/partner of the Ray of Hope Walk coming up on October 28th, 2012. SBM feels that in addition to providing content on the urban male perspective to our readers via our website and events, it’s important to have an imprint in our community. We are excited to work with an organization such as Omega Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. because of their longstanding and relentless work in spreading awareness about Domestic Violence and it’s affect on all of us. Please enjoy today’s post.

It was the things that I liked about her the most that would inevitably be the downfall of our relationship. Every time I’ve told this story, I always begin with this important piece of information which I call, “I don’t want to sound like the negro who didn’t have nothing to do with it.”

I’m one of those guys who has always been solutions oriented when it comes to discourse in relationships. I really don’t like arguing at all. I also tend to believe that just because someone does something in a way I wouldn’t do it, doesn’t mean that it’s the wrong way to do things. I’ve always thought it was better to distance myself from the effect those people can have on you, rather than spend a whole lot of time trying to fix them. What used to end up happening, as all other parties involved hadn’t matured yet, was that I would just remain very quiet and never really mention any issues or thoughts about someone’s behavior. As it pertains to this situation it was that I felt like the girl I was dating at the time was a perfectionist and had difficulty accepting when things didn’t go her way. I told myself it was cute and never mentioned a thing.

The other thing that I did that I probably shouldn’t have done is I accepted things from her that I shouldn’t have accepted and it let us fall into a routine out of convenience that I probably shouldn’t have allowed us to fall into. I didn’t have a car so she would run me back and forth between campuses whenever I liked just so I could spend time with her. This established an expectation that all that was needed for us to see one another was that she would come get me.

It was about 7PM on a Sunday spring afternoon and it was starting to get dark. Typically, I would be settling in and spending the night because I didn’t really have class until Tuesday. Technically, I had class on Mondays, I just didn’t go because there were still Wednesday and Friday classes. Trust me, it made sense in college. I had the opportunity to head back to my school that evening and I decided that it’d probably be best to just head on back since I had a ride with some of my friends. I began to gather my things and as I was doing so, I hear a voice at the door, “Hey, are you going home right now?” I explained, “Yeah, I figure it’s probably best since I have a ride now rather than waiting until tomorrow or missing class Tuesday.” This back and forth went on for about fifteen minutes and I think somewhere along the way she asked me if I was trying to get back to see some other girl. I denied it, because I wasn’t, and then told her that when I go back to my school, I don’t automatically assume that she’s seeing another dude.

It was at this point that she began to explain to me all that she does for me and our relationship on a regular basis. I remained quiet at this time because I didn’t want to interrupt her, nor did I care to share all the sacrifices that I made for her. I never made those sacrifices for them to come up in an argument later on down the road; I made them because they were the right things to do. The entire time that we were having this conversation I never flinched, I kept packing my things, and when she asked me a question, I just kept quiet. I learned a long time ago not to give fuel to a wildfire. After she had finished doing a bit of screaming and name calling, I asked if she was done and left her room. I happened to walk past her roommates in the living room who were staring at the television which was much too low for them to have heard anything on the television with their third roommate screaming at me in the room down the hall. I left out the door and headed down the steps to meet up with my ride. In my head, I’m thinking that this was crazy and that I’ll need to speak with her when I get home about going off on me for wanting to go home to my own bed and campus.

My thoughts were interrupted by shouting and screaming coming from her apartment. I couldn’t hear it very well, but thinking about it now, it sounded like this;

Her: I HATE HIM!

Roommates: You need to calm down, girl!

Her: NO, I HATE HIM!

My friends were far enough ahead that I had to walk the length of the parking lot to get to the car. I was walking alone alongside a wall. I heard the door to her apartment building swing open and I saw her roommates running out shortly thereafter, but I didn’t see her. I turned around to see what was going on and I could really see much because it had already started to get dark.

Then an engine started…

And then I saw reverse lights come on…

There was screaming and shouting, her roommate reached into the car and told her to stop, and after dragging her friend a few feet on the pavement as she tried to grab the steering wheel, the car stopped… about five or six feet away from me. My eyes wide, she got out the car in tears and her roommates took her back inside and I just walked away. I got in the car with my friends and headed back to my school. We spoke once again after that when I needed to retrieve my remaining things and then didn’t speak afterwards for a few years. It wasn’t until years later that I was able to come to grips with what happened. There were two takeaways from this situation for me.

Men have an inability to ever want to consider themselves a victim; society helps in the process too.

I tried to laugh the entire situation off like it didn’t really mean anything to me but one day I realized that I was just a few feet from having my body splattered all over that wall in that parking lot. It took me a long time to realize that the situation was not okay, that what happened was something that I was thankful for making it through. At a younger age, had I had the ability to really see things for what they were I probably could have used that to help other cats in my position.

Men in the same effort to never consider themselves a victim, rarely ever face the person who abuses them.

I didn’t say much to her about this situation past, “I just think it’s best we take some time apart” until many years later when I confronted her about it all. Men are sometimes terrified of the word, “crazy” or coming across as soft that we allow malfeasance and abuse to go on forever. I don’t know who she dated after me, but what I do know is that I should have told her about herself. She needed to know that it was not okay to behave that way, she needed to know that she really tried to kill me, and she needed to know that she was the reason I would always be skeptical of people who had all her great qualities. She needed to know that all of that wasn’t fair and she should seek help for ridding herself of those flaws.

Today, I wanted to bring light to a not so black and white situation that affects men. We’re all aware that domestic violence doesn’t just affect women. However, men and women sometimes struggle with knowing the subtle ways of domestic violence. It’s not always physical; it can be emotional and verbal as well. My situation didn’t end in me being seriously hurt or even death, but it could have. I would hope that based on this story other men (and even women) find the courage to see a situation ahead of time and not end up in dire circumstance for not noticing the warning signs or being afraid to speak up. And even if this post only inspires reflection over our pasts to reevaluate situations that we previously encountered than that’s just a productive as well.

- Dr. J

  • Share on Tumblr

From Our Partners

  • Adonis

    Here we go. The reason why men can get abused & know one bats an eye is because women as collective are the more valuable s*x (sperm is cheap, eggs are expensive.)

    If domestic violence was 90% males getting hurt, if would never get the support it has. Just like how breast cancer is this big hubbub, but prostate cancer doesn't have the same gravitas.

    All I am saying here, and again, if I am talking out of school here, break it down for me. Here is another instance of female privilege that women don't want to discuss, because like mediocre whites & affirmative, if helps the narrative of the oppressed female who is being tormented by evil males.

    • Adonis

      I don't know enough about the VAWA act , I just don't like the idea that female take predence over everybody else. Something fishy about this.

      Also, I will get my Mitt ( Mr. 47% ) Romney & Paul ( Mr. 30% ) Ryan on. I think 75% of domestic violence victims had it coming to them. Either by picking the wrong partner, or by staying in a situation after getting hit.

      The exception to the rule are people who deal with con artists, you partake in Hollywood (music, film), or you were a child born into an abusive family.

      • @_M_Milagros

        Adonis you should probably educate yourself more on DV Awareness before you speak about it. Check out the first post here: http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/09/28/domesti… – and that is just scratching the surface.

        There are a lot of implications in saying "DV victims had it coming to them." Primarily, this shows that you believe abuse is acceptable. Where did this 75% come from? you completely lost me there.

        It is not a privilege for women to have greater statistics in being abused. In asking for stronger laws that are intolerant of this type of behavior we are asking for something that is a natural right of any person- to not be physically or mentally abused. Not enough people speak out on this issue and sadly a lot of people only become truly conscientious about it until it is too late.

        Great post Dr. J!

        • Adonis

          Shut your mouth when you're talking to me

          First of all, you need to make sure that your stats is ACCURATE homie. Because too many times advocacy groups be having agendas. Making women looking like these delicate victims.

          Women especially the black ones, are EMOTIONAL TERRORISTS , and can be or just as abusive as men

          Women At Least As Likely As Men to Commit DV

        • @_M_Milagros

          ooohhhhh provoking are you? haha. Are you kidding me right now? you can’t even control your emotions to have an educated conversation. You can’t shut me up, deal with it =)

          You write out of anger and with a lack of respect. Next time you share an opinion on a social issue perhaps you should try sounding composed so that you can actually be taking seriously. Clearly you are the one that has a hidden agenda here. How about you face reality…..women are dying because of this. how is this okay to you?

          No one on this blog is attacking men. We are trying to bring to light DV and talk about why it happens and why people (like you) want to shove it under rug and pretend it doesn’t exist.

      • Dana

        It's interesting to have read your comments on affirmative action, and then see such a contradictory opinion on the topic of domestic violence. You don't see the parallels between the two topics? Your male privilege is so ingrained in who you are that you don't see that females are NOT taking precedence over everybody else.

        • Adonis

          It is not. What about children who are getting killed by their mothers, but we do not have a VACA.

          Again, shut your mouth when you are talking to me.

          You love to itch & moan when you feel like most men have the upper hand. But when we get into female privilege, you are effing oblivious.

          Y'all negroes get celebrated for just existing. But you twist it & call it pedestal oppression.

        • Ashley

          Sir, have a seat. This post is not about pointing fingers at the more violent sex. Anyone, man or woman, who abuses their partner is wrong. As far as why women get more attention when it happens to them, maybe some of it can be attributed to the fact that men (like Dr J) tend to be less vocal about it.

          Dr. J, I'm glad you survived this whole ordeal.

          That is all.

        • Adonis

          Madam, go play in traffic

          The other attribution is that men are not seen as valuable as women are on American soil.

          As if being vocal as men is something that is encouraged.

  • slimjackson

    This story is kinda crazy. I feel like this happens a lot more than men would like to admit. One of my boys has had his chest scratched/cut by a chick. He laughs about it, but it really could've been a lot worse. Real post.
    My recent post How I Used LinkedIn As My Career Consultant

  • Lola

    Great post… Its hard to believe that men go through this too but never say anything, and I know its because of how they're portrayed in society as being strong and not vulnerable. Men need to speak up.

    • Adonis

      @Lola, it don't go like that. Men just need to be more dominant, and if they can leave an abusive situation, do so immediately. Sometimes you can be very entangled in another person (esp. financially)

  • http://twitter.com/undefined @undefined

    For the article: It is unfortunate for ANYONE to go through Domestic Abuse, but I commend you for leaving the relationship as well as finally bringing this injustice to light. I feel in movies or shows when a women is portrayed as being abusive towards a man it is taken as comical, however in reality it is anything but that. I feel as if that plays into why a man doesn't speak up. They'll label an abusive woman as crazy and ignore the warning signs

    As for the first comment on this article. No One Deserves the abuse they receive in a relationship. No one WANTS to be hit or degraded. This is a CYCLE that comes from years of people NOT speaking about the issues of abuse, years of people witnessing their parents, neighbors, friends being abused whether it be mental or physical. As a society we do not openly discuss domestic abuse except during the of October. It is not something that is taught in schools. Are there signs that a relationship can lead to abuse YES, but is everyone educated on those sign NO.

    I just hope those that are in these relationships find the strength and courage to leave

    Anyone Can Be A Victim, They Just Need to SPEAK UP

  • Daniela Perez

    Im not sure why it was posted as a different name

    For the article: It is unfortunate for ANYONE to go through Domestic Abuse, but I commend you for leaving the relationship as well as finally bringing this injustice to light. I feel in movies or shows when a women is portrayed as being abusive towards a man it is taken as comical, however in reality it is anything but that. I feel as if that plays into why a man doesn't speak up. They'll label an abusive woman as crazy and ignore the warning signs

    As for the first comment on this article. No One Deserves the abuse they receive in a relationship. No one WANTS to be hit or degraded. This is a CYCLE that comes from years of people NOT speaking about the issues of abuse, years of people witnessing their parents, neighbors, friends being abused whether it be mental or physical. As a society we do not openly discuss domestic abuse except during the of October. It is not something that is taught in schools. Are there signs that a relationship can lead to abuse YES, but is everyone educated on those sign NO.

    I just hope those that are in these relationships find the strength and courage to leave

    Anyone Can Be A Victim, They Just Need to SPEAK UP

  • redlady821

    I think that unfortunately some women are unbalanced and lack the ability to commuicate after a certain point. I think that some men are raised to respect women and never put their hands on them, but in turn, a woman can use that against them knowing that they will never get hit back. I think that is a perfect recipie for abuse…unless you're that bus driver from Ohio.

  • Dana

    Men don't speak out when they experience abuse because they have been socialized to be strong, dominant, and authoritative. If they experienced abuse, they have to confess that they couldn't uphold their masculinity. Women don't speak up because that's what women are conditioned to do. We are patient, nurturing, and submissive. Who wins with this type of thinking? To me, it all starts with redefining what makes a man, and what makes a woman. Unfortunately, Hollywood does not help anyone create these new definitions.

  • amaris79

    This is a bit of a sensitive subject. I will say that abuse on the male gender is a lot more common than we would like to admit, and because of the social stigma attached to admitting it, the silence creates a horrific cycle on future relationships. Abuse is never ok, and taking that abuse out on all your future partners is worse. #NoShame

  • VampicMunchausen

    Wow, this article is great, I am seeing some (slow) progress raising awareness about the truth of domestic violence happening from female to male in many situations. Inspiring, thank you…

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Picillo (Baker, Kindel) ”..I feel lke I might need to find an anger management program because whenI get hurt my anger tends to turn towards trying to kill the person…” 5/12/06 #8835, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “I wanted him to hit rock bottom so bad that when someone would make a joke like ‘hey I got a friend who would hurt him’ I was taking him seriously.I wanted his car destroyed..I wanted him hurt so that he could be in the hospital.. I put my son in harms way so many times by my driving or my yelling at him to get in the car faster so I could chase after Jason..I knew what I was doing was wrong and crazy……I used to get so upset that I would yell at my son and I would drive erratically or couldnt' function or thought of all sorts of things to get back at him..” 4/15/06 #8420, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    1909 Domestic Disturbance- Feb 15, 2012 Arrest: 12-2214-AR: PICILLO, ANGELIQUE C… Charges: A&B (Assault and Battery), DOB: 11/11/1979 http://www.west-Springfield.ma.us/…/Feb.%202012/…, 48 Janet St West Springfield, MA.

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Picillo (Baker Kindel) “excuse me for saying so but I do have a degree in domestic violence and addiction… I could never write a book on being an abuser or wht they are thinkin i really don't get it… I have been through dv over and over so I can say I understand it and write a book on that…” Lundy Bancroft • April 7, 2012 at 10:19pm • WHEN HIS PUT-DOWNS SOUND TRUE&hellip ;http://lundybancroft.blogspot.com/2012/04/when-his-put-downs-sound-true.html

    OMG the LYING!! Makes me sick

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Picillo (Baker, Kindel) “..I appreciate your candidness about wanting to punch him, in my case I have..and it got me no where..” 5/1/06 #8706, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Picillo (Baker, Kindel) ”..im suprised at myself that when I was mad at him i just said I was mad and didnt' try to attack and kill him….so I've made progress..” 5/16/06 #8933, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I’ve been scared of him…not physically but…I don’t wnat to live in fear if my partner will be there for me I want a lot of things in life andI don’t want ot wonder if I’ll be able to get them…” 6/15/06 #9524, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I remember how CONSUMED I would be…it killed and relly interfered with my sanity…” 4/30/06 #8698, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…making me do crazy things or feel like doin crazy things…my crazy things usually involve driving two hours to RI…” 3/31/06 4:06 am, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…forgetting what normal boundaries are…still to this day I forget…what’s normal…I am ALLOWED to want to talk to him…jesus crud…” 4/19/06 #8515, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Nov 7, 2012 – Angelique Picillo, 32, of 51 Ridgewood Terrace, was ARRESTED at home Monday at 6:30 a.m. on a warrant.. http://www.gazettenet.com/news/…95/arrested-monday-pol... Easthampton, MA.

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “… I want him so bad I read every little thing and apply it towards a sign that we are together…” 4/28/06 #8653, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I went to my therapist yesterday and told her how I was ‘strong’ but kinda rude to J and she politely reminded me that my relationship with J and his relationship with his son is two different things…” 5/11/06 #8818, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…As far as using Blaise…maybe on some level…one level is that I am finally accepting he will fail me over and over so it’s like I need to tell him, so he can reject me, so I can get it through my fat head…but secondly a small part of me is thinking that there is no possible way he can reject a little baby that just last week he was so concerned about by a little tiny cough he had…” 6/6/06 #9305, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…myhusband,jeremiah, things got bad between us, and I kepttellinghim and he was cold and callous I said one day, that I felt like I would cheat on him…in telling Jason this story he said if I ever said that to him he would die and wouldn’t let me go…well I’ve said it several times to him and he hears nothing…” 6/4/06 #9266, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…if J hadn’t called the cops on me and made upa story last year then I would have kept on callinghim and what not…even after that I still checked for himo n the internet anddroveto seehim at drag racing…basically there was no way to find out about him…I had checked on him so many times it’s like it called to me…” 7/5/06 #9833, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I found out he rented a uhaul as his get away vehicle..170 pllus gas and tolls one way from mass to RI…andtheguys at the desk told me he was talkingshit about me…devastation again…I got a no abuse order andandorderfor him to stayaway form myhouse…a couple days later I got emails an instant messages all hours of the day and night saying he makeamistake, couldn’t live without me and needed me. I ignored him thenoneday I responded because I needed answers to some questions. He made the promises to make things up to me and plan to continuewithhis batterers program,attend na, and get therapy as well as his own apt…” 10/20/06 #11564, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Picillo (Baker Kindel) PEOPLES COURT "You Don't Find a Babysitter for an Infant on Craigslist!" Video CLIP…March 2012 https://www.facebook.com/?sk=welcome#!/photo.php?…

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “I go to therapy…however I’ve had 10 years or so of trying to find the right one and walking out after I didn’t feel understood…when it gets real bad, I’ve even gone twice or three times a week…walking in feeling like I want to jump…” 3/27/06 #8000, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I am VERY confrontational when I think the wool is being pulled over my eyes…he had run away the week before…I basically forced him into buying me something cause to me it mean that her would be around…” 3/26/06 #7970, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I had to fight and fight and they finally gave me morphine pills which did nothing…the only thing that would work was morphine IV…I have morphine in my cabinet right now…” 3/29/06 2:30 am #8075, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…during our relationship he was SUPER and then it stopped…he’s so helpful and giving to others and I get NOTHING…” 4/19/06 #8522, . http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I do not have one person supporting me besides my therapist and I even feel at times that if I get in one disagreement/argument with even a stranger I can’t handle ANYTHING with J…about starting over …although I’m 26 I have a whole sleu of health problems…and embarrassing ones…and I met this guy right after I left my husband…so I went from a failed marriage to a wonderful relationship to him leaving…its hard for me to open up about the embarrassing medical problems…and I still deal with that now…how can I possibly start over…” 4/21/06 1:59 pm, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I was crazy waiting for him to either answer mine or send me one…wanting to die every day… I am one of those people that would sit and rationalize with him until he agreed, then it will quickly change.” 4/25/06 #8626, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I am CONSUMED with how to make him learn his lesson…” 6/4/06 #9240, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…he has no way to contact him and I keep thinking about how badhesaidhe wantedweekend visitation and if I had granted it to him, then he would have had to come around…so unhealthy for me to think but at least I would have been able to either not have him run away so longorbe ableto haveammo to use in court, I’m exhausted…” , http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I personally had a bad car accident andeveryweek fora monthhad amniocentisis to see if the lungs were ready so he could come out…”, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…if he was in my life I would still feel like he owed me it and would hav eto pay for eveyrthing I ever wantedfor the rest of my life…” 7/23/07 #16805, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  • VampicMunchausen

    Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…writing him email after email does nothing for me…when I get hurt by him my anger can tend to be explosive…not having him to yell at has made me a much calmer person…” 3/22/06 #7870, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo