Double Standards in Relationships: The 90-Day Sex Rule

I can’t remember where I saw it, whether it was on Twitter or one of the blogs that I follow, but the topic was what a woman should think about a guy if he hasn’t tried to have sex with her in 90 days. Women were lined up ready to assassinate this guy. If he wasn’t having sex with her, then he must be having sex with someone else. That’s when I had to throw my flag!

If a man waits 90 days to have sex with a woman, he’s cheating. If a woman waits 90 days to have sex with a man, she’s being wise.

What in the hell? Does that sound completely out of order to anybody other than me?

Basically, this points out an inherent flaw in the birds and the bees, especially the blackbirds and blackjacks. It comes down to the expectation that if a man is doing something seemingly respectful or nice, he must be up to no good. Not only is she thinking that he’s up to no good, but her friends are thinking it, her mama is thinking it, and her ex-boyfriend is in her ear telling her that he’s up to no good. It’s that line of thinking that makes a lot of men think it’s not worth it to be a good guy.

I’ve always wondered where the skepticism in men comes from in women. Not only the skepticism, but the thought process behind believing that women generally possess better character traits than men. In this case, that it’s possible for women to be celibate for 90 days to ensure she’s making the right decision. However, when men do it, they’re just waiting their time, while they get their fix from somewhere else. Here’s a theory; what if she doesn’t want to have sex with more than one guy at a time? #ChairsThrown

Imagine that. Imagine if when a woman waited 90 days to have sex with a man he automatically thought, “Well you know how women are with their sexual partners, she probably still boning somebody else.” Y’all would be real upset with us. Moreover, I think I speak for a whole lot of people reading this when I say, it happens.

Before we go too far down the road that is, Reasons Why You Can’t Trust Women, let’s move on…

There’s several reasons why a man might wait 90 days to have sex with a woman that don’t have a thing to do with him sleeping with other women;

  1. He’s gotten to the point in life where he’s grown from a boy to a man and realizes that sex changes things.

  2. He knows that once he sleeps with this girl she’s going to consider him to be in a relationship and he’s not sure he wants that with this girl.

  3. He thinks that she might be the one and he doesn’t want to ruin it by having sex with her.

    • Naaaaaaaaaaah, that’s a lie, LMAO.
    • Random story: I actually did have sex early on with a girl one time and then after about two months she just stopped calling, texting and responding to messages. When I finally caught up with her and asked her why she disappeared she told me that she wanted to be in a relationship and didn’t want to just have sex with someone anymore. One problem, I actually really liked that girl. She didn’t know that. She figured that since we had sex early on that was all I wanted out of that situation. Take from this story whatever you want, but I’m just saying…

I guess the main point that I’m stressing here is that it’s totally unfair for women to think that men are wolves in sheep’s clothing when they’re not trying to jump their bones from the beginning of the relationship. And the second point is that just because a woman is waiting for 90 days to sleep with a man doesn’t mean that she’s innocent and making a wise decision; she might be doing her dirt too. Who knows? Enjoy your weekend, party hard, drink responsibly, drive safely and practice safe sex. Those trips to the emergency room at 4AM on Sunday morning ain’t no joke.

-          Dr. J

What do you guys think? 1. Do you think it’s possible for a man to go 90 days without sex? 2. Do you think women are more likely to be able to go without sex for 90 days? 3. Is it even a wise decision to wait 90 days to have sex? 4. Do you believe a double standard of trust exists between genders? If so, why?

From Our Partners

  • Mz.Kelli

    Do you know any man who by choice waits 90 days to get some? Let’s be real.

    • Adonis

      #mansityoazzdown

      • krystllyght

        lmao Adonis woooo

    • JupiterCalhoun

      Just because you don't know any, it doesn't mean they aren't out there.

    • WisdomIsMisery

      Yes. Men of a certain age realize sex is a foregone conclusion, meaning that eventually it will happen whether it's 90-seconds or 90-years. Tragic train [Richard] breaking mishap aside, sex will occur between two people who like one another, so it's really not that big of an issue. It's definitely not a priority.

  • Rhenewal

    I am (unfortunately) able to agree that a man can hold out for three months. Plus. My dude and I have been dating since January and “the deed” has not been done. He’s super-religious, a little older, and believes in courting… It was difficult for me to understand at first. I was ready to villify him and cast all sorts of stones (majorly, he must have someone else) but I approached the situation rationally and we’ve come to an understanding re: his abstinence and my resultant deprivation.

    • Adonis

      I LOL this & you simultaneously give me the impression that you rather have a hound dog, than a "good" man.

      I think women need to understand that you can't have it all in one man, even with the near perfect men (Tall, Dark, Handsome + Swag + Money + Committed).

      • Rhenewal

        I am currently enjoying the dance with my “good man”. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss sex.

        • ooh ok…

          "I am (unfortunately) able to agree that a man can hold out for three months."
          Sigh! @ "Unfortunately"
          Just be good to him…if you can't hang then don't string him along plz.

  • lazioman

    I think men who are very spiritual or grounded in deep faith will wait 90 days.

    lazioman.blogspot.com

    • lola289

      nice plug!

  • Adonis

    I am a firm believer in recycle, especially ice & women. So, here's the quote

    The big issue in all this talk about a good man is GOOD =/= ATTRACTIVE. And so when I learned their was a distinct difference between the two. I threw away my "good & decent man" card. Good men are not first round draft picks in this broken society, so, when women speak on it, I have long since stop listening

    A large portion of women see "good", willing & able "responsible" men as men who are only (something to be taken advantage of) NOTICED when they are not around, and called upon when to clean up a mess (to care for OOW children, to pay bills, or to be an emotional tampon when she is dealing with a man who wants her only for sex & "wifely" services. So, good men are called upon to take care of women who are not at their best (old, fat, ugly & with foreign OOW child) more often than not.

    If I am talking out of school here, please educate me. You have the floor.

    Now onto the post.

    • Adonis

      I am 24 years old, even though 2003 almost 10 years ago (seems like an eternity), it wasn't that long ago.

      Do you think it’s possible for a man to go 90 days without sex?

      Absolutely. I WAS that guy (in the comments) at that time though, I was thinking along the lines of getting married. I just was born in the wrong era.

      You see, even now, in 2012, I would wait 90 or better s*x, but these are the WH*RES I gotta deal with these days Shout out toTwin Mommy Max & Lidia Anain BTW.

    • Adonis


      Imagine that. Imagine if when a woman waited 90 days to have sex with a man he automatically thought, “Well you know how women are with their sexual partners, she probably still boning somebody else.” Y’all would be real upset with us. Moreover, I think I speak for a whole lot of people reading this when I say, it happens.

      You speak for me too, Good Doctor

      At the end of the day, it is about PRICE DISCRIMINATION .

      If a woman makes EVERY man wait 90 days for s*x, then get that b*tch a medal.

      But more than likely, ole girl is making the "good" guys wait because most likely he is marriage minded & does not wife up a wh*re. And she is giving it up to "sexy" guys for no more than chicken wings.

      Shout out to Mary Jane Blige . If I was allegedly given two million dizzles to sing about chicken, I would throw in Jeffrey Daniels tribute for free.

      Enjoy

  • AfterMath

    word, true
    My recent post Shade The Cells Puzzle

  • jdoubleu

    1. Do you think it’s possible for a man to go 90 days without s*x? In stages, yeah. We all know that guys peak in their late teens – early 20s. So for that decade, it's not common that a guy is going to oblige the 90 day rule. He may like you, but his pool of opportune poon is plentiful. Waiting on 1 chick just doesn't make sense. BUT being insatiable tapers off as we mature in age and experience. With busy social schedules, work, grad school, etc, s*x becomes less pressing. For me, if I meet someone and she has enough of the stuff on my list, 90 days is a cake walk.

    2. Do you think women are more likely to be able to go without sex for 90 days? Yeah, for the opposite reason as in #1. Plus sometimes women put their box on a pedestal. They don't want to be objectified, yet they treat the box like a prize to be won. Pero estoy durmiendo…

    3. Is it even a wise decision to wait 90 days to have s*x? Introducing sex can change things. But IMO it magnifies what's already there. So if there's not much chemistry on the surface, the need to want to engage won't exist either. If the chemistry is s awesome, then you might try a little harder to lock each other down. As with anything else, you have determine what works for you and the situation you're trying to create.

    4. Do you believe a double standard of trust exists between genders? If so, why? Double standards by their very nature are projections of flawed assumptions. The expectation is that 90 days is enough time to decide what type of relationship, if any, you're going to have. On the flip, If a man does not want to have s*x with you, it's not happening.

    In general, I think people sweat this 90 day rule too much. Everything's negotiable and on a case-by-case basis. I mean really, if you think about; over a span of 90 days, you see that 1 woman like 5-7 times (assuming you have a life). So 3 months comes and goes very quickly
    My recent post Women Need To Be Quiet Sometimes

    • Adonis

      We all know that guys peak in their late teens – early 20s.

      What? Explain yourself *Stewie Voice*

      • jdoubleu

        In general our sexual prime is earlier in on our lives. Whereas women peak later on in life. I'm talking about in terms of libido, not like opportunity or access. Of course there's exception to every rule though.
        My recent post 5 Things To Remember When You Start Over

    • WisdomIsMisery

      +1

    • bellatrice1

      "On the flip, If a man does not want to have s*x with you, it's not happening."

      When does a man not want to have sex with a woman?? This concept is foreign to me lol
      My recent post Why Men Should Hit on Women at Church

      • jdoubleu

        It does happen. I've turned down women because I didn't feel any type of chemistry with them, because they just looked they'd be terrible in bed, because they seem like the clingy, "we go together" kind, a bunch of reasons LOL So I mean for me at least, some box just isn't worth the headache.
        My recent post Giants Rookie RB Compares Himself To Birth Control?

        • Larry

          + one hunnid thousand trillion.

  • Peter Parker

    If you are feeling a woman, 90 days is nothing. Cake walk definitely. Plus, I think sex is very important, also knowing someone in and out is key as well. As someone stated earlier, when you are younger and have less to lose, you may feel 90 days is too long, but as you mature, are into your career, and have more to lose, then a smart man would be selective with who he lays down with and be more cautious not to rush things.

  • Peter Parker

    One thing I have noticed about women over the age of 30, is that they want to rush things with a guy instead of actually getting to know him. I have noticed so many women who will be ready to smash and jump into a relationship after knowing someone 3 weeks…That's crazy to me…
    But sex just brings in a whole new dynamic in the relationship and if you are looking for a real relationship, both parties need to be prepared for that.
    I also think your three points are very valid as to why I guy would wait to have sex…Those are basically some of my reasons as to why I wouldn't jump into a bed with a chick I barely know.
    It's crazy to me though how a man who actually "courts" a woman and not try to have sex in the initial meetings get labled one way, but if you run game to pursue the box, you get labled another way. It sometimes, as a man, makes you want to go back to your old ways..

    • The CPT

      “One thing I have noticed about women over the age of 30, is that they want to rush things with a guy instead of actually getting to know him. I have noticed so many women who will be ready to smash and jump into a relationship after knowing someone 3 weeks…”

      This^^^
      Which is why I have adopted a rather passive attitude when it comes to the hunt. I’ve explained this to people and they did not believe me or looked at me strange, but there are just as many THIRSTY women as there are dudes out there. Now I’m already 5 years deep into my 30s. The younger ladies like to have fun and try out men auditioning for “the one” or whomever makes their ‘gina tingle. Whereas the ladies my age will talk to you on the phone, want to get taken out and if you do the do, they are already planning next year’s cruise, picking out ties for their Xmas Gala 2014 and ring shopping.

      • Adonis

        Oh yeah, and Streetz post

      • J.LO

        "The younger ladies like to have fun and try out men auditioning for "the one; or whomever makes their 'gina tingle'." You should have said "MOST" or "SOME" . Thus, I disagree with this statement. I am in my early 20's and I do not associate myself with the "thirsty women" that you described who like o have fun and try out men. I am sure that there are some young women out there who are patient and focused on their goals… and cautious as well. There are some very mature young women out there.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    1. Do you think it’s possible for a man to go 90 days without sex?
    Very possible, I've gone the distance a few times, virgins, celibate, long distance, aside from teasing the hell out of myself on occasion, I was able to stick through it, Doc's #2 came into play as well when it got to the point, I liked them but not as much as they did me, could I really be the first or break her celibacy knowing the doubts that plagued me. It wasn't worth it until I knew i was sure.

    2. Do you think women are more likely to be able to go without sex for 90 days?
    I actually think no in the sense that if a man flat out doesn't try to have sex, a woman will oblige rather than vice versa where if a woman is withholding a man will try anyway.

    3. Is it even a wise decision to wait 90 days to have sex?
    I always found the number itself a turn off. I understand the concept of not rushing into anything but you don't set a deadline, I believe you let it happen naturally whether its 4 weeks, 2 months or a year.

    4. Do you believe a double standard of trust exists between genders? If so, why?
    Yes because women don't seem to understand that they're not the only ones investing time, effort and energy in a relationship. Men aren't aiming to be in long term relationships that ultimately lead nowhere #aintnobodygottimeforthat,
    My recent post Today’s Word is… DATE

  • http://www.j3551c4.com J3551C4

    What is mind boggling to me is 1. the origin or lack thereof of these ridiculously silly rules 2. that ANYONE would actually think that these generalized rules are applicable to individuals who are so varied in personality, emotional capacity/maturity etc 3. how people are SO needy for control that they will dig their claws deep into some BS someone else made up lol WAO. when people become self aware and stop waiting for someone else to tell them how to live life and how it works, we will see more functional relationships with happy people in them. stuff like this is poison.
    My recent post Moon Day

  • Mr. SD

    last yr I went a full blown 10 months with no sex! It was a good for me, i needed it. Although the reaction from women was mostly shady..lol Most women didn’t believe me, and some took it on as a challenge. More like they were plotting to devirginize me..lol Ya’ll chicks are hilarious.

  • http://singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery WisdomIsMisery

    1. Do you think it’s possible for a man to go 90 days without sex? Yes. I've done it before, and I'd do it again. It wasn't particularly pleasant but at the same time, sex doesn't define my life. It's not like food, air, and water as some people would have you believe. Plus…always xvideos…wait, what?

    2. Do you think women are more likely to be able to go without sex for 90 days?

    Specific to sex, I just think women are generally better at going without – either by choice or circumstance. That's really all I have to say about that.

    3. Is it even a wise decision to wait 90 days to have sex?

    Depends on the justification. For women, I think it's a great rule, especially if they know themselves well enough to know they can't have sex without developing emotional ties. In my opinion, they have a lot more to lose and a lot less to gain than men. But in the grand scheme of things, I think women should do whatever the hell they want to do irrespective of men. I still don't understand why most women don't realize they actually have all the power in terms of dictating when sex will occur (with them, obviously they can't control where a man obtains it from in general).

    4. Do you believe a double standard of trust exists between genders? If so, why?

    I don't know about all that. I just think men and women assume they know women and men better than they do. We also tend to assume the worst about each other and our motivations, especially if we believe the other's motivations are meant to harm us or prevent us from achieving what we want. That's a nice way of saying both sexes are essentially selfish. We want the other to adjust to what best suits us without often making any concessions of our own. It's actually quite comical.

    • Dr. J

      About your #3 – If you need a silly rule like waiting 90 days or not shaving your legs when you go on a date to keep you from sleeping with a dude and making a bad decision, something is WAY more wrong. I always think to myself when I hear that, "you need a rule to tell yourself when to have sex? what the hell you been doing all these years? just YOLO'ing your yussp?"

      Just my opinion, was waiting for a comrade to open the door on that.

      • AfterMath

        But isn't it better that they realized that they need the rule in the first place?
        My recent post Shade The Cells Puzzle

      • BlueSteele

        "Just YOLO'ing your yussp?"

        #dead

      • http://singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery WisdomIsMisery

        I see what you're saying but as AfterMath said below in so many words, "know thy self." I respect the woman more that realizes sex changes her and maybe she doesn't make the best decisions as a result of physical interaction with the men she likes than the woman who sleeps with men repeatedly and plays the "he took advantage of me" card.

  • slimjackson

    Men are more capable of restraint than a lot of women give us credit for.

    I've been cautious with pumpage for a few years. I've learned that delving betwixt the walls of life automatically adds complexity…even if she says it won't. So for that reason, I've held off on pressing for the buns…and some women have found it weird. I've been told that it makes them question whether or not you really find them attractive more so than if you're out there delivering sideways pokey to someone else.
    My recent post It’s Just Hair: 5 Thoughts on this Natural vs. Creamy Crack Stuff

  • BlueSteele

    I don't know how many times I've heard/read (even on this blog) about men dating women who wish to hold off on sex and honor those wishes…while creeping on the side. THAT's why some women find it hard to believe, y'all put that out there on yourselves! Just sayin'

    • http://singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery WisdomIsMisery

      I've thought about writing on this – the difference between how men and women "date" – so I'd like some clarification. Are you defining "dating" as two people in an exclusive relationship? And "creeping" as cheating?

      I ask because I think the primary difference between how men and women approach dating is when a woman meats a man she likes, she forsakes all other men, even if they're just dating and getting to know one another. I have observed that when men meet a woman they like they talk to other women less until they either 1) he figures out where this new woman falls in his life 2) agrees to an exclusive commitment to only her. Most guys don't meet a woman and suddenly stop talking to all the other women he's already talking to (assuming there are some). Women on the other hand seem to catapult one guy to #1 status at the sacrifice of other men.

      Correct me if I'm wrong. Anyway, I'm not saying either approach is wrong but they are clearly not the same. I welcome feedback from anyone on this because I'm on the fence of it's blog worthy.

      *WIM OUT*

      • BlueSteele

        I have no idea how to define dating, I don't even know how I classify it in my own life (d@mn shame). I'm merely saying that I don't understand fellas crying woe is me when some women don't buy into the idea of them waiting 90 days for the goods when guys put it out there that you may be getting it from someone else.

        Sidebar: Is omission of truth considered "creeping"? I'd venture to say yes but that might be a whole other discussion.

        I've gotten out of dating one guy at a time, really just because you waste a lot of time that way. However, you're right, women typically date very differently from men (and me I guess). I think we're monogamous creatures by nature. There are a lot of women who just don't feel "right" dating multiple people at a time (been there), for others it's just too much work (and too many games- been there too).

  • vanoussa

    This post made me laugh… yeah it happens. I have been following this blog for more than a year now, and have commented maybe once in the past. You are all doing amazing!! Continue on!

    1. Do you think it’s possible for a man to go 90 days without sex?
    Yes it is possible. I have recently dated a man that had an odd approach to sex. He explained that he wanted to have sex with the one he would end up marrying. At first, I thought it was a sweet thing for him to be doing, that he was now somewhat saving himself. Then, as months passed on (we dated for 4-5 months) I felt like a sex-crazed maniac! He would do everything else but the completion, I would be getting mine not he wouldn't! It was frustrating, maddening and drove me crazy. It ended, I was crazy lol!

    2. Do you think women are more likely to be able to go without sex for 90 days?
    If it by circumstances than yes women might be more likely. But I know that between my girls and I, we know how and where to get it, straight to the point. We got our men, numbers and if need be preferred hotels, lol.etc.
    The thing is that I do not believe that sex should be used as a leverage… both parties then get frustrated. And if there is one place when things should be going well, it is between the sheets! If you does not sleep with a man for 90 days to make sure that he “respects“you, then you are limiting your worth to that. That the best part of her, she is keeping sealed tight, well I am sorry but as much as I know I am good in bed, it.'s the cherry on top. Not the best of me!

    3. Is it even a wise decision to wait 90 days to have sex?
    No… listen we have all made mistakes in our past. They define who we are now. I don't bring baggage from my past relationships into my new ones. New man, new set of circumstances. If I sleep with him within the first month of dating then so be it. This new man shouldn't have to bare the weight of my past relationships. I was cheated on once, I am not thinking all men are cheaters because of one idiot. I have slept with someone too early in the relationship, it didn't work, was it because of that, I am not sure, we were not compatible.. is that an ok reason!
    Live for the moment, and if it is meant to be, it will be!

    4. Do you believe a double standard of trust exists between genders? If so, why?
    Yes because both parties hide from the truth! Women saying the right things to keep a man, even though they are not going to keep at it. Then men realize that they have been tricked and lose all trust.
    Men also lie and pretend about things… Just be straight! I often put my cards on the table right away. Either you deal with you or you walk away! (maybe that is why I am recently single). I don't lie.

    Good post! Cheers from Montreal!

  • Beef Bacon

    1. Do you think it’s possible for a man to go 90 days without sex? Yes…my husband and I waited. I was young so thought the worst at first. I grew up and understood that he just wanted to get to know me . He told me he could tell I would be a force to be reckoned with, he just wanted to be sure I was showing my true self to him.

    2. Do you think women are more likely to be able to go without sex for 90 days? Depends on the woman and where she is in her life/thought process.

    3. Is it even a wise decision to wait 90 days to have sex? No Doubt! Most women get attached when they have sex. That reason alone will give a mature woman reason to pause. Neglecting to wait and see has landed many a woman in horrible cycles with men they would have dropped if sex was not clouding the picture.

    4. Do you believe a double standard of trust exists between genders? If so, why? I just think people have to earn trust and if I do not know you…my trust just can't be given based solely on what you say.

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

    "He’s gotten to the point in life where he’s grown from a boy to a man and realizes that sex changes things."

    i've put off having sex with women for this very reason. yeah she was cool and i liked spending time with her but i wasn't ready for what came with having sex with her. i saw certain things in her personality that let me know that having sex with her would probably be a bad idea.
    My recent post A female dog

    • madscientist7

      another thing. once i really, really liked this girl. we spent a lot of time together. when we finally did have sex she admitted that she almost put me in the friend zone because i didn't try to have sex with her early on. some women just expect men to be lead by their sexual desires.

      • Adonis

        when we finally did have sex she admitted that she almost put me in the friend zone because i didn't try to have sex with her early on.

        Thanks for highlighting that.

      • Peter Parker

        Interesting point about your girl almost putting you in the friend zone….

        • The CPT

          Which is exactly the reason I try my hand, even if rebuffed at some point to keep things open. That is if I'm really interested. Had to learn this though…the more I tried to intrigue a woman intellectually and be seen as a "good catch" by being gentlemanly, the less it garnered the 'gina tingle. This was learned though and before anyone comes on here saying "you were dealing with the wrong women," this was a lot of women!!! They gravitated towards the more aggressive and in your face type dudes than they did the cool nerd. As a cool nerd, I adjusted fire. It worked. No friend zoning unless I totally wimp out and say I just want to be friends.

      • http://singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery WisdomIsMisery

        I have definitely accidentally gentlemen'd my way out of my fair share of the pie. Every female woman friend I ever made was by accident.

        Kold Game.

        • Maris

          I don’t understand this. The only way I have put a romantic interest in the friend zone is if there were NO romantic overtures at all. I understand being a gentleman, but if you never try to kiss me (not even a peck?), hold my hand or even engage in an occasional flirt I can’t read your mind. I can only be rebuffed without explanation so many times, lol.

        • http://singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery WisdomIsMisery

          Speaking for self, you've probably observed this about me: I'm a pretty laid back guy. Of course I want to have sex, but I generally don't push the issue one way or the other. There are definitely times I've found out I could have gotten with a woman (and I didn't even know it because I never assume) or I could have gotten with her like that sooner had I only pushed the issue. Frankly, as I said before, I'm always surprised when I have sex. I'm generally the last person to know it's going to go down.

        • BlueSteele

          You're the guy that I can't stand 50% of the time. I respect that you're laid back, but I'm attracted to a certain level of assertiveness. If I'd ALWAYS have to initiate things (sex included), I might lose interest.

        • Peter Parker

          Initiate things even if we just dating besides the where we going and stuff…Even initiate the trying to get physical with you??

        • BlueSteele

          I generalized a bit but I hate having to guess what's on a guy's mind. If it's on me to make the first move (activities, flirting, etc.), after a while I'm just going to assume friend zone is cool and keep it moving.

        • NikkiD

          I am the same..I think guys have it kinda tough with "good girls" especially those like me who are over 30 .. I am confident, so if he moves too fast I move on, If he moves too slow – I may hang around and find out whats up but friend-zone is cool with me. So I am ready to dump him in that bucket with ease. I don't look for love – I expect it to find me. I don't play games – I expect him to be real with me and let him know as much. (I know how easy poon comes around) If he's not or can't be real (lie free) then I have no problem moving on. (believe me, there are many who linger but that is not me – guys always think I'm joking till I fade to black on 'em).. I have been in love before with someone who truly did and does love me – so I know what it is and how it feels and the amount of compromise, trust and working together it takes. So I scrutinize very well and can tell a "playa with a tight game" 5 miles away…There are many playa's that agree to the 90 day thing – I know a few – but fully expect a 30 day max and usually get it and move on. So this 90 days shouldn't be the norm..We need to pay attention to the other persons actions and words to know the true potential of a future…

        • http://singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery WisdomIsMisery

          It is what it is.

          lol

      • AfterMath

        its hard for me to buy into the friend zone 100%. Especially based on life experiences and bar stories, it just doesn't all add up. Ladies act like Idris Elba would get the friend zone if he didn't make the first move. And maybe that's true for some women, but I'd like to see the stats cause it doesn't add up.

        I just think this is just some terminology we use to distinguish between people we're attracted to and people we're cool with but not attracted to. So if a lady really puts me in the friend zone, then I probably didn't have a chance with her anyway so I can just keep it moving. And if she tells me that I was "almost" in the friend zone, then I'm believing that just like I believe my car when the needle says I'm "almost" on E. Holla at me when it happens.
        My recent post Shade The Cells Puzzle

  • The Guy

    My homie was celibate for almost a year, cuz he found God. Some girls thought he was full of shit and deaded him. He's better off w/o em.

  • amaris79

    1. Yep
    2. Yep
    3. NOPE.
    4. Yep.

    1 & 2 have more to do with #4. Women are more likely not because we have more self-control, but because it is more socially expected. Trust me, if it was more "ok" for women to do the approaching and no social stigma was attached to women engaging in recreational chex, we'd be whoring it up.

    As for #3, IMHO you shouldn't have relations until 1) You have figured out exactly what you want from that person ; 2) when you are completely comfortable with that person (ESPECIALLY when it comes to chexual expression) & 3) When YOU want to (& not because ou think they may leave if you don't).
    I really do think a lot of girls play dead fish not because they never learned better or have 'pretty girl syndrome" but because they either were not ready & engaged because they wanted to keep you, or did not feel safe enough with you to show you that side of themselves or tell you what they really wanted. Either way, that is the main reason why "things change" after chex, because after being that vulnerable with a person when they were not ready, they need additional "security" (aka a "title") so they don't regret their decision.

  • redlady821

    I think if you're really into a person, male or female you will wait how ever long it takes for the chemistry to be right. It's just that sex is so devalued these days and women and men put out so quickly that everyone looks at one another like devalued stock and then suspiciously if you treat it with any value at all.

    • krystllyght

      Agree.

  • bellatrice1

    CAN men go 90-days w/o sex? Probably
    DO men intentionally forego sex for long periods of time? Generally speaking, no

    Either the men commenting on this post who said they have gone months without sex are the most enlightened men in the world, or somebody's lying!!

    I understand some men have standards and the older you get, the chase slows down, but it certainly doesn't stop. Unless it's for religious reasons, I find it hard to believe that any man would not have sex just for the hell of it. It just doesn't happen in my world lol
    My recent post Why Men Should Hit on Women at Church

    • http://singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery WisdomIsMisery

      Since I'm one of these men: To be clear, I've gone without sex specific to one woman for months, sometimes years. But, I did not go without sex.

      As I said somewhere else *points in multiple directions because I'm not sure where* waiting to have sex with one woman =/= waiting to have sex, period, unless we're in a committed relationship which is not the same thing as dating. A man can respect that a particular woman wants to wait (without pressuring her, etc). That's the same thing as agreeing as he is going to wait to, which in my opinion, is a separate discussion.

      • bellatrice1

        Thanks for clearing that up as it pertains to you, but one guy said up above that he went 10 months without, and didn't say he was doing it because he was waiting on a woman he was dating to be ready. Maybe that is what he intended to communicate idk.

        I definitely could see a guy waiting for his lady to be ready, but I don't see a guy ever implementing the 90-day rule to "get to know" a girl better. That's extremely rare, and if I met a guy that wanted to do so, I'd happily oblige and start picking out wedding songs and dresses lol j/k, not really though lol. I wouldn't assume he's out smashing other chicks, and even if he was, it would show that, to some extent, he sets me apart.

        My recent post Why Men Should Hit on Women at Church

      • RCU

        Thank you for clarifying Wisdom because I was about to say y’all aren’t being real. And I was giving serious side eye. Lots of guys will wait bc a girl asks or simply bc they want do but they aren’t walking around not getting it in with no one. I think what some women get irritated with is when you say you will wait and then y’all pretend you are getting it in with a fwb or an ex.

        I can see plenty of guys waiting bc either they don’t want to be shut down or bc they don’t want the “change” that may accompany with sex. They are still getting taken care of by somebody else. Unless they are apart of a strong religious pull to be celibate. Which I think is different from what the article is discussing.

      • http://leadingafricanamericanwomen.wordpress.com/ lifecoachtisha

        "I've gone without sex specific to one woman for months,sometimes years. But, I did not go without sex". Is that because you felt she was worth more (meaning exploring who she was and what she stood for) before bringing sex into the equation? How did that work out for you (rhetorical). I'm not sure if i'm confusing the two sentences { unless we're in a committed relationship} maybe the next sentence was not meant to support the initial thought. For some reason this just jumped out at me (no rhyme or reason, I just chose to comment here) but the entire post was overall thought provoking as well as the comments section. Although the overall post was about the double standards, I took away this. I'm totally against this 90 day rule thing when thinking about a committed relationship (I know, im selfish) because I'd hate to get to know a man, love his character, qualities and he passes the deal beakers mark…to find out we aren't sexually compatible. THE KID loooooooves to be sex'ed up :) Speaking from personal experience, loving a man who couldn't satisfy me…is no bueno. So I suppose my inquiry is more of a how do you wait on someone for 90 days and then walk away if the sex is bad? More so, why get into a relationship without knowing if the compatibility is there in the first place? Not picking on you WIM, I just wonder about these things and you brought it up (or at least that's how I interpreted you statement)

    • http://www.learninglover.com AfterMath

      All I can say to respond to this is as you get older and you experience certain things – whether it be a broken condom, or rumors of your girl getting pregnant and having an abortion, or her actually being pregnant, or that pillowtalk where she just comes out and says she loves you (and you don’t feel the same), or the fights afterwards that are over stuff that yal have discussed calmly a dozen times before but now she’s always screamin and yelling, or knowing that the girl you once were in love with don’t want you back to be her man but is quick to call you up when she’s lonely on a Friday night, or the death threats from her man who she said she was broken up with.

      But even more than that, and maybe its not true for some, but what I realized is that with people I’m dating seriously, sex changes things. Even with people I’m not dating seriously, sex changes things – but not in the same way. I won’t say I’m suddenly a “wait until the alter” type of guy, but I’m older (and hopefully wiser) now, so I’m thinking about a lot more than just how good that night’s gonna feel.

      • bellatrice1

        So, you feel it's a maturity issue? I think it speaks to your character more than anything. You sound unselfish in that you consider your partner's feelings in addition to your own, which is RARE. Even after some of the mishaps you've listed above, some men continue "playing with fire," so I am inclined to think it has more to do with the type of person you are vs. maturity or bad experiences which led you to behave difftly.

        Wish there were more men who considered these things before getting it in!

        My recent post Why Men Should Hit on Women at Church

        • AfterMath

          "Even after some of the mishaps you've listed above, some men continue "playing with fire,""

          The key word is "some". And some don't. And these are just some of the things that I've mentioned off the top of my head. There are a whole lot of experiences that can just force you to grow up. It happens in all phases of our life, so I don't see why it wouldn't happen in relationships too. But just like in other parts of life, change isn't always an easy thing, and whether that's a symptom of their chronic unemployment, or their credit problems, or their car trouble or whatever else, I just think this stuff is a part of growing up.
          My recent post Shade The Cells Puzzle

    • Adonis

      @BellaTrice1

      Maybe it just that the readership of men that due comment on this site as similar thought process of that of women, and just less of men. And that is very plausible

      Go to WSHH & read their comments, different swagger.

  • http://singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery WisdomIsMisery

    that last sentence should read *That's not the same thing…

  • Kopa

    Generalizations are evil. I make them myself sometimes and end up regretting it, because they are never true. The generalization I hate the most is that men can have sex without emotional attachment, and women can't. As if all men are just out to get random coochie, and don't really even care who it is with. I know this is not true, I know a lot of guys who don't want (and have never wanted!) sex with just anyone, even though they are really almost pressured into it by their peers. It takes a strong man to listen to his own feelings and decide when the time is right FOR HIM. For women, it is more acceptable to wait and really get to know the other person, develop a bond. It is even expected.

    In my personal opinion, from how I see the world, no one should have sex without emotions. But I understand not everyone is like me, and I don't really care what other people do as long as they don't hurt themselves or others. The 90-day rule is bullsh*t though.

  • Court

    i feel that there shouldn’t be any rule. We are all adults, if women choose to give up the cookies on the 1st date, the 10th date or the 20th date, that’s their decision. If they give it up on the first date, they shouldn’t be classified as anything, (hoe smut) simply because, in the words of Bobby Brown, it’s their prerogative. If they’re feeling a dude enough to have sex with him, maybe that’s all they wanted was just to bone, but they got a date out of it as well. If the sex was satisfying to them, they won. Bottom line is, it’s their decision nothing us as men can do about it, I don’t care how good we look, how much money we spend on the date, car we drive, or our occupation. If their gonna give it up then they do. I think the whole 90 day rule thing is superficial and, to me it was just a way for steve harvey to put some dough in his pocket because I feel some black women need something to justify their sexual behavior and that was it. I know of dudes who are married–happily at that, got some in the first month.

  • http://www.therelationshipchronicles.com Jenni from the blog

    Yes, men can go 90 days without having sex. Yes women are a lot more likely to go 90 days without having sex. Yes, it is wise to wait 90 days or even longer to have sex. Why….because sex complicates things and for quite a few people it clouds their judgment. I do believe a double standard of trust exist between genders for a good reason. Check out my blog for additional feedback on this article.
    http://therelationshipchronicles.com/my-thoughts-

  • MsL

    It could just be that he's afraid of coodies and is waiting for the 6mnth std results

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  • ngpr

    Because I was approached by someone 3 days ago, I will be following this blog for 87 more days!

  • Lowkey

    Well, I slept with a guy the night after we met (within 48hrs). He invited me over, we woke up together, talked…all gravy. Now it seems he's stringing me along. HE initiates text messages. He'll text at like 7 in the morning with "Gm" and ask what I'm doing for the day…two months straight of this only. No calls. I get tired of it and ask him to call. He doesn't call. He has two jobs, but if he doesn't have time to TALK then why does he even text? (texts convos do take longer)
    I asked if sex was all he wanted and he said no. He acting like a gentleman about it. Now I'm in a state of wtf. 90 days probably would've benefited me here.