Why Didn’t It Work Out? Was it Him or Me?

I can only describe this man as everything I ever wanted.  Most people say, “everything I wanted in a man” or “everything I wanted in my life” but that would not have captured exactly how I felt about him.  We met in my freshman year of college.  He would wait outside of my last class each day and we would walk to my dorm on campus.  He asked many times to come up and spend more time, but not allowing him to enter my room until I was ready was the only way I knew to protect myself.  Despite building this wall his efforts never waned and he would still insist on seeing me each chance he had.  Eventually I would give him my number and allow him to take me on a date.  Nothing too serious for a college date, dinner and the movies.  We went to Olive Garden, he ordered Shrimp Alfredo without even looking at the menu.  I got the feeling that he had done this before.  It probably would have bothered many other women, but it didn’t bother me at all.  It made me feel like he knew how to treat a woman.  I had always been treated like a girl up until this point in life, so it felt good to finally meet someone who treated me like a man should treat a woman.

After months dating, over a year in fact, I decided that I would allow him to consider himself my boyfriend.  It wasn’t long after that when I realized that I had fallen in love with this man.  He had my heart and he was my first.  We dated for three years and today I’m engaged, but it’s not to him.  One day I came home and I had a voicemail from him.  He said he needed to talk, he didn’t say much else, we went out to dinner and he broke up with me.  I was devastated.  I didn’t understand.  What did I do wrong?  Was it something I said?  Was it something I could work on?  I would call him everyday crying asking why he didn’t want me anymore, most times he never picked up the phone and when we did speak it was just to calm me down.  He said, he wanted to be a gentleman and he had too much respect for me as a woman to allow our relationship to turn into a haphazard breakup filled with slip ups and weak attempts at trying to salvage a dying relationship.

He wouldn’t give me the satisfaction of a reason why, so I had to figure it out on my own.  I racked my brain for many a sleepless nights thinking about what went wrong.  I couldn’t figure it out, I had always been the model girlfriend for him.

As I thought about what it could have been I realize that there were signs that I ignored from the beginning of our relationship.  First, I always sensed that he was living two lives.  The person he was when he was around his friends and the man I had known to love which only existed when he was around me.  It wasn’t like he was a bad guy around his friends, but I just didn’t know that side of him.  He seemed to be more loose and open with his friends.  With me, he seemed reserved and careful.  Always intentional with his words as if he had rehearsed each of his lines before he would talk to me.  I didn’t think anything of it, I just figured that he always knew the right thing to say at the right moment.  When he was with me, he preferred date nights, quiet nights, and if we went out it would be just the two of us.  When he was with his friends that was not the case.  He went out with his boys in large groups and they frequented some of the most popular clubs in the city.

Second, I learned that as a girl is growing into a woman she has to make sure not to burden a man with her problems.  I didn’t notice, but looking back on it, I realized that growing up and having a challenging family situation are very intimidating to a man who is trying to do the same.  He was only a few years older than me, but I relied on him for helping me in my transition from a girl to a woman.  I relied on him to help me begin my career, find my own place and begin to build a network in a big city.  At the time, it never appeared to me to be a problem, but over time I realized how it must have felt to have to carry me in the relationship for all those years.  My family was a personal pain point that I’m sure began to bother him.  My parents were never very supportive of me, they were protective and never understood my decision to move away from home looking for a better life away from the ‘hood.  He had to compensate for the support I lacked at home.  I thought that as the man I wanted to spend my whole life with, that would be his role in my life.  Maybe he was too young for all that.

Third, maybe I tried too hard.  I wanted it to work so much that I lost most of my identity and I think I may have guilt tripped him into thinking he wasn’t the man for me.  He was never the type to spend a lot of time thinking about the right gift or the right date, he just went out and did whatever he thought would make me happy.  I spent most of my time reading books and talking to women about how to be the best girlfriend for him.  I lost myself in him.  Indirectly when this happens to a man he may act erratically.  That’s a lot for a man to handle, especially when he isn’t sure that he’s the best boyfriend a girl could have.

That’s about as far as I got before I had to stop and wonder what he thought about all of this.  Sure I could come up with a list of reasons why he didn’t want me anymore, but it wouldn’t be the truth until he either confirmed it or not.  Without this closure I would just exist in relationship purgatory, not knowing where to go or what to do next.  One day, I received an email from him.  It was months after our break up and in this email he explained himself.  He told me that he didn’t want to confuse me by sending this right away, he’d rather wait for the dust to settle and for our feelings to have healed before he sent me the reasons why.  I respected his intentions, but he didn’t realize that I never got over the situation.  My feelings were just as fragile that day as they were the day he dumped me.

He told me that it wasn’t anything wrong with me, that he in fact realized that I needed to meet the man that I would marry.  He told me that I was ready to be a wife and he was still trying to find his way as a man.  He didn’t have anything that he could say I did to hurt him, but only that he began to feel this great sense of guilt that he wasn’t the right man for me.  He closed the letter saying that if anyone ever asks about our relationship tell them, “He finally came to his senses and realized that he was not ready to marry the great woman he was dating and so he let her go.”

Maybe that email should have made me feel better, but he committed relationship suicide in my eyes.  It was selfish decision that he thought would make sense for us, but he didn’t give me any say in the situation.  So I resented him for it.  It took me years to accept that there was nothing wrong with me, an email wasn’t going to change that.  An email wasn’t going to change the fact that I compared every man I would meet to him.  It wasn’t going to change that after giving him everything and giving it to him first, I wouldn’t be able to trust to let a man that close to me again.  It wouldn’t change that at the end of the day I was still alone and he was out seeking situations that worked better for the man he was at the time.  So I decided, I would forget about him and focus on me.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I love him, I love him with all my heart, but I just couldn’t go on thinking that he was as perfect as he seemed to appear.

From Our Partners

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    A consistent theme here, its sometimes comes down to timing. it might come off as selfish, one may never understand but its just as selfish to keep someone waiting for something you know you're not ready for. The hard part is wen you are ready and its too late, its a tough gamble

    • Bree

      Cosign on all that Tristan.

    • amaris79

      That whole, "I'm not ready" thing is a cop-out in a lot of cases. For example, have you ever heard of someone quitting their job because they weren't ready for a promotion? No, they rose to the occasion (not saying it doesn't happen, but it's not the norm). Have you heard of someone turning down an inheritance because they weren't ready for all that money? No, they made it work. People find themselves in all sorts of life tests that create great stories about how they overcame, but it seems the most often times that people fix themselves to be "cautious" is in matters of the heart. I would have believed him more if he said "I looked 20 yrs down the road & didn't see you in my future, and forever is something you deserve, just not from me".

      • Streetz

        Your comparing relationships to promotions and offers that have to do with money. Money fuels people more than other areas of life and fuels differently. What about people who hate their jobs but will accept promotions because if theyre going to be miserable they might as well be miserable with more $$$?

        I think with relationships, the fact that you making choices like marriage and making dating "exclusive" isnt life or death really. you arent going to worry about bills or income if you decide not to wife someone (unless they are your sugamama/daddy).

        It is a cop out to some, but to others they may just NOT be ready
        My recent post Morning Motivation: Overcoming The Most Annoying Week of 2012

        • amaris79

          This is true, and like I said, it is not every case. But if you look at that letter, it may not be life and death, but a great deal of emotional livelihood is at stake and can be just as costly. It works the inverse as well. There are plenty of people that do all sorts of due diligence in practical areas of their lives and throw all caution to the wind in matters of the heart and make costly mistakes. You know when you are not ready. It doesn't take years to figure out. You also know when you are running away.

        • Streetz
        • Bree

          I'm with Streetz on this one. No comparison. Many people are only at their current jobs for the money. As we know thats what makes the difference between a "job" and a "career." I think it's putting your heart and trust in someone's hands that scares the sh** out of people, and rightfully so. It takes a lot to trust another person with your heart and love. When u really truly make the choice to love someone with ur whole heart and soul your vulnerable to that person. Your emotionally, mentally, and spiritually naked to them. Thats a lot for many people and they don't take it lightly.

        • bree

          Men in relationships and marriage have more of a responsibility to the woman they are involved with. Ladies remember, Men are the providers and protectors. Everything that encompasses that falls on their shoulders. Providing isn't limited to monetary, and protecting isn't limited to physically protecting. It's a huge undertaking that some men just aren't ready for.
          My question is this – regardless of whether it's a "cop out" or not, why would you want to be with a man who tells you and/or clearly demonstrates that he is not ready, willing, and able to handle the responsibilities of being the one and only man in your life?

        • Mo.W.

          Because women are emotional. They make decisions based on how they feel. Men are logical, and make decisions based on logic and what makes sense. If women made logical decisions, instead of emotional ones, there would be a lot less women dating and staying in unhealthy, deadend relationships.

        • Bree

          This is true Mo.W.
          But the reality is you will not change who women are at our core, just as we won't change you and make men more emotional and like us. Plus who's to say that would necessarily be a good thing.
          All we have to do is make the necessary sacrifices and compromises to make each other happy and satisfied, and it really shouldn't be that hard. It's people's inherent selfishness that makes these types of things harder than they should be.

        • Mo.W.

          I agree on both points. Men and Women are equally different, yet equally important. We were created this way for a reason. They create a much needed balance in all aspects of life and you can't have one with out the other.

        • Bree

          Good point Mo. W.

        • Dr. J

          Everyone's industry is different, but there are a lot of people who turn down promotions because they are not ready for the responsibilities at the next level. The change from staff to management is a huge one. You have to manage people and you also have less time in your personal life because of work commitments…. and that's sometimes why people turn them down. They also turn them down because of personal life things. For example, a guy turns down a job on the other side of the country which would take him from VP to Senior VP, but he does that because his family already has their roots where they are now and he doesn't want to uproot his children.

      • Larry

        To be fair, I'm sure there are plenty of cases where one "overcame" and made it "work" , but those stories are largely untold. We just focus on the worst-case-scenario story and suggest this is what always happens.

        Another thing is that people seem to be throwing this "cop out" phrase around quite a bit and I'm not understanding why. When I think of "cop out" I think of someone just throwing any random excuse that's not the truth. "Im not ready" is him telling the truth…now if ppl are complaining because he wasn't more detailed than that's a different discussion in itself.

        Cosign with Streetz, also.

        • Bree

          I agree Larry. Even though the truth hurts, its' still the truth. Only thing I find fault with the man on in this instance is not being more forthcoming with his reasons why right when he broke up with the woman. I agree that we do tend to focus on the worst, and not the best. Kinda like how bad news and gossip always makes headlines more than success stories and good news.

  • nyah

    I agree with the timing theme, but that doesnt make it easier to swallow. I dont like when people (men and women) come at their significant others on that Donnell Jones ish YEARS into the relationship but then again, I’m bitter lol.

    I don’t comment much but this is a well written piece. Kudos to the author.

    • Bree

      Cue Donnell Jones Song "Where I Wanna Be" now. Actually that was me. In my younger years I was the one who wasn't ready to settle down and get married, yet always seemed to attract men who wanted to wife me up with the quickness.
      I agree with BlueSteele that men need to learn to better communicate their thoughts and feelings much sooner in relationships. They need to be brave enough to tell the woman they are involved with as soon as they begin to feel that he or she is not the one and learn to communicate Why as best they can.
      Based on what many men say, (including the men on SBM) this isn't something men care to do and deal with. They prefer to end things quick, easy and painless and move on and never have to think about or deal with it and/or the woman again. However, unfortunately this is not satisfactory for most women.

      • Bree

        Most women feel they need this closure to move on from the relationship and completely "dead it." In fact, this can negatively affect many womens relationships with future men and how they see themselves. It shouldn't, but it does.
        Men should do the best they can to communicate to women why they decide to walk away. If u care about the womans feelings and don't want to look like an insensitive jerk to her, and possibly want to maintain a friendship, or at least walk away with her seeing u in a positive light with no hard feelings, then you have to tell her why you don't want a future with her. If u could care less one way or the other then it's whatever and it will be her problem and left up to her to figure out the why on her own. Explaining it all at a much later date defeats the purpose because too much time has passed.
        The womans bitterness has grown with the passage of time. Don't think just because time heals the pain, that the bitterness will also eventually subside as well, it doesn't.

  • BlueSteele

    Key word, everyone say it with me now: COMMUNICATION. I've been here and honestly I'd rather hear from your mouth, like an adult, what you are feeling/thinking. "Waiting for the dust to settle" is a cop out when you really mean "I don't want to deal with the emotions that my decision/actions will evoke". IMO It is quite selfish to put someone through all that when you could just communicate why you can't be in the relationship anymore and get it over with. I'd rather walk away knowing where we stood and how our needs differ than spend months (or years) trying to make sense of a situation.

    • Larry

      I think there was a post in the past where one was of the opinion of: 'The reason of the breakup is irrelevant and/or when they gave you the reason (if they gave you one) in the grand scheme of things'.

      It sounds as if maybe if he would have told her the reason upfront he would have dealt with less emotion, aggregately. She still called him everyday crying and asking why for a while afterwards, so that's dealing with emotion, too.

      At the end of the day it's never easy cutting ties with someone close to you or no real easy way to do it. People can discuss the best way or most efficient way, but the reality of the situation is that everyone handles news differently and basically how you decide to break news to someone how you think is best is going to be a gamble in many cases (not all).

      • BlueSteele

        '"Waiting for the dust to settle" is a cop out when you really mean "I don't want to deal with the emotions that my decision/actions will evoke". '

        Like I said, convenience.

        • Larry

          Eh, I wouldn’t necessarily label it a “cop out”, but just a different way of saying the same thing, really. But hey…semantics, I get what you’re saying overall.

        • BlueSteele

          I hear you. Timing is timing, can't do anything about that. I'm just a direct person and have a strong disdain for people who aren't.

  • nayonowen

    Wow, i feel your pain as though you just broke up instead of years ago. You say you are engaged but it doesnt appear you are in it fully, giving your total heart & emotions to your new love. I believe a big piece of you is still with this first guy. You say " I love him, I love him with all my heart" – not past tense. First love are a bitch!

    I am so hoping for your future self and family that this "closure letter" will heal you and help you move on. He didnt want you then and he doesnt want you now. Its not you!!! God has someone for you and it wasnt him. Be lucky you didnt stay around long enough to find out why your destiny didnt cross with his as a full grown woman. Stop pondering over this past relationship of why it didnt work out. Be blessed you have a good man now.

    I do know i am so glad its not my brother your engaged. You will make his life hell.

  • Mr. SD

    This story done bummed out my Friday….cant be madd tho, dude kept it real for the most part. Its never really a good way to break up with someone…

    • Seven

      Right?! lol

    • cynicaloptmst81

      LAUGH.OUT.LOUD!

      …like, I wasn't even gonna comment for this very reason, LOL.

      Sometimes, life just ain't fair…

  • http://twitter.com/kjnetic sith king Jordan

    Maybe I’m naive, but i don’t understand what was so bad about this male’s closing letter. Sometimes, others are in our lives for a second, a season, or a century. He recognized that he couldn’t so it, and left…I’m not so sure what talking this out, at the time, to seek out a reason…would have accomplished.

    • BlueSteele

      "I'm not so sure what talking this out, at the time, to seek out a reason…would have accomplished."

      Then what was the point in sending a closing letter to do that?

      • http://twitter.com/kjnetic sith king Jordan

        To avoid an over-emotional ending argument? To take time to adequately express how he felt?
        Just saying, not everyone can have a convo on the spot and give a reason for something like this

        • BlueSteele

          convenience.

        • Bree

          sith yeah u can have a convo on the spot and give ur reasons, but most people simply don't want to because it's not the most pleasant conversation to have.

      • slimjackson

        Not quite the same here, but have you ever done something hurtful to someone and in the moment (or weeks or months) didn't notice how messed up it was, but realized randomly it at some future point in time? Did you ever think about apologizing?

        No apologizing here, but acknowledgment of why he did what he did could be considered the same. I wouldn't get to caught up in the "letting the dust settle" line.

        • Bree

          Yes and yes I did and do apologize.
          The type of person that I am, if I hurt someone, once I know I hurt them I will go back and apologize to them. However, for the most part, I'm mindful of my words and actions and I'm considerate of other peoples feelings. So I think about how the other person would feel about what I will do and/or say and put myself in their shoes and imagine how I would feel if it were me.
          Even if it's something that would hurt someone else, but not bother me, in being considerate of the other persons feelings, I unselfishly do and say things in a way that would not be hurtful to them.
          Slim many times when we do stuff at that moment, we don't think about how it affects the other person.
          As someone mentioned upthread men are more logical thinkers and women more emotional.
          It's understandable and makes sense that when a man decides to cut the chord on a serious relationship that he's namely thinking about himself and it never dawns on him what it may do to the woman. Or he doesn't think it will be that big of a deal to her and he thinks she will get over it in time and move on, because thats what he would do.

        • Dana

          Is it possible that he does know how much it will hurt her, and that's why he let it drag on for so much longer. He was trying to feel it, trying to make it real. He did care about her, but knew that she loved him more than he loved her.

          I agree that he still should have told her that. I can empathize though with the hardship of having to look someone you truly love in the eye and say you don't want forever with them.

    • Bree

      Sith it gives the woman clarity and understanding so she knows why u broke up with her and why ur no longer feeling her.
      It's like if ur girl was sexing u like crazy all the time then out of the blue she stops and tells you she can no longer sleep with you. This is a woman u are with for 3 yrs not 3 months and after all that time she stops and says I can't have sex with u any longer. She doesn't give u any reasons thats it. A week later she breaks up with u because she feels u will want to go out and have sex with someone else. This scenario wouldn't bother u in the least???

      • Bree

        Or if in ur mind everything is going good in ur relationship and ur girl of a few years tells u via text she is breaking up with u. Unless u cared nothing about the woman u would seriously wonder wtf happened. And if u didn't care, that would bear the question why are u so seriously committed to a woman u don't care that much about for so long? Again when u look at the entire "big picture" and the reasons why women need this closure it should make sense.
        Particularly in this situation the dude should have simply included in the break up convo he should have simply told her then "I am not ready to give u all that u want and need. You want a future husband and I'm not that dude." Would've saved this woman some self worth and self esteem issues and gave her some clarity.

        • http://twitter.com/kjnetic sith king Jordan

          There would be nothing i could do to change her mind, Bree. Or am i wrong? If i know i did my best, and she up and left…Welp, just gotta start over, i suppose.

          Then again, i am Naive to many things.

        • Bree

          nah your not naive Sith, it just seems that u don't care enough about the woman to care if she up and leaves you. U don't know that there is nothing u can't do to change her mind. She may be breaking up with u on a technicality. Unless u communicate with her and ask her what the deal is how will u know why she leaves if she doesn't tell you. It could depend on if your willing to do something/somethings she wants and needs to be happy with you.
          This is where the problem solving skills need to come in. Unfortunately not enough people have this so they break up, when they could have resolved their issues together and stayed together.
          If folks just up and left because they felt like it and there were no repercussions to it a majority of people who were married would be divorced as quickly as they got married.
          Fyi – if this is how u feel then u shouldn't get married. In a marriage, even if last less than a yr, your legally obligated to give a reason why you no longer want to be married.

  • MarlaTheGreat

    I did catch that you are engaged BUT why are we writing about someone you are not engaged to? This is why I get mad at myself and other women because truth be told, we can't handle our dag on emotions! We've experienced situations as such and instead of moving on like most men do we sulk on the problem with the possibility of missing out on our "solution."

  • Bree

    Mr. SD no there is no good way to break up with somebody that really loves and cares about you. However, it won't cost you anything to take the time and effort to at the very least try to explain to them the reasons why you no longer want to be with them. I understand most men don't want to be bothered with all that. They would probably ideally prefer to end it and walk away. But even though u no longer have feelings for that person, they have feelings for you. And even though it you may not care why a woman breaks up with you, most women care about why a man breaks up with them.
    In my situations because these men loved and cared about me a lot they did want to know why I didn't take the relationship as far as it could go with them. They asked me what the deal was and why I didn't want to commit or marry them. I told them the straight up truth, but did so very tactfully and respectfully. The men I had that talk with greatly appreciated that I took the time to explain why to them. I know because they told me they did. A little compassion and sensitivity can go a very long way.

    • Mr. SD

      Yes but he explained to her and she still don't get it. Then she went and got engaged!?!? That's some kray kray right there!

      • cynicaloptmst81

        Yeah, I pulled a move like that at 19 (minus an explanation)…moved on by getting married…and ended up divorced.

        That last paragraph just doesn't sit well with me. Get your heart straight before you go into this marriage, homey! Speaking from experience. Marriage is complicated enough and this kind of baggage on board is NOT helpful…AT.ALL.

      • Bree

        yeah well I can't call it on that part right there Mr. SD.
        Yall and these new euphanisms and what not…"kray kray" huh…..smdh. Funny.

    • Mclyric01

      I agree. With one caveat. Women who want to have multiple "closure" sessions. Once it's exhaustively discussed why do we need a repeat…?

      • Bree

        Cosign on that. One & Done. KIM Keep It Moving.

      • BlueSteele

        Double cosign

  • Amos Banks

    There's no easy way to break somebody's heart. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ww2YejrFgws

    • Bree

      Damn there is a freakin youtube video for every dayum thing nowadays….sheesh.

  • Mo

    Very well written post and something I definitely needed to read today, thank you. As for his closure letter, I think it was good on his part to attempt to give closure, even if it was months later. How many men really even do that much? However, no matter what he could have said or done his words and actions would never be good enough for her. He’s damned if he didn’t attempt to give closure, and damned that he did attempt to give closure because unless it’s him proclaiming his love for her and wanting to be in the relationship again, then anything else he has to say will still be internalized as “What did I do wrong, and why?”. That’s just how women process. Eventually they will move on. Whether it be in a healthy or unhealthy way depends on the individual.

  • LisaLisa

    Ok, let me just say that i can RELATE TO EVERYTHING WRITTEN HERE the emotions and questions and ALL!!!! and if i told everything that happened and my emotions and all it would be a diffrent post for me……but i agree with Bree when she said that monst women are in need/looking for/ wanting closure. because here i have been pushed to the side for some reason by a guy and im looking for it RIGHT NOW. i wonder what the hell did i do, say, or didnt do? was i not pretty, attractive to him, not his type so on and so forth! i mean it drove me crazy and if i think about it now it'll drive me sane, BUT to say all this…….and im learning that you gotta move on baby! you have to look at yourself in the mirror and LOVE and work on you. take this as a learning experience, look at all the things that you overlooked because "you were in love or he'll change that and soon it will hit you that IT WASNT MEANT TO BE…..no matter how we want to fix it and work on the relationship….it wasnt meant to be!!!! tough pill to swallow, i know it damn tough for me but im swallowing it……and if you excuse me, im going to the bathroom and cry, lol!!!!

    • Bree

      Go on and cry and listen to some Mary J. Blige LisaLisa, it's alright. At least you learned the lesson from it all.

  • Magg

    All i can think about is why are we here talking about a man who was obviously not bad but just not ready when she's engaged to someone else…. Move on already girl

    (He's just a lil bit of a coward… the email months later was NOT NECESSARY, when you break up is when you talk not later, just another way men have to mess up a woman's mind *rolling my eyes*)

  • Mahoganydefined

    I do empathize with homegirl's emotional response to the break-up. Hearts never break even so ultimately, someone is bound to come out scarred…
    …BUT…
    I personally think that her ex handled the situation maturely. She was lucky enough for him to respectfully end things and not lead her on when he realized that her expectations in the relationship couldn't be met. Maybe this is my cynical side speaking, but I've come to terms that more than likely, closure would never be attained after a breakup. So any form of that would actually surprise me and I'll have nothing but respect for the decision.

    I don't think he was selfish at all. You can't control the timing of how you or someone else may feel. What you feel now may or may not be what you feel days, weeks, months or even years from now. The fact that he even sent an email spoke volumes. And even when he gave her an explanation, she still sounds bitter about the situation. I believe her reaction as well as jumping into an engagement right after (I'm assuming) were selfish on her part. But if she believes harboring this resentment and bitterness will lead to healing (which it won't, it never does) it's unfortunate.

    • slimjackson
      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003407048344 Reda

        Hmmm…I’ve been wondering about this book since I heard about it mhotns ago. I can’t decide if I want to read it, because I’m afraid I’ll feel exactly the same way. However, because it’s “in the series” I almost have to read it. Thanks for the helpful review!

    • Bree

      Closure can and should be obtained. But it's about You getting your own closure, Not depending on the other party to provide it for you and being mad and staying bitter about it if they don't.

  • Larry

    Pretty much cosign Tristian's comment upthread. Moving along…

    " We went to Olive Garden, he ordered Shrimp Alfredo without even looking at the menu. I got the feeling that he had done this before. It probably would have bothered many other women, but it didn’t bother me at all. It made me feel like he knew how to treat a woman."

    Not sure why this stuck out to me, but are some women really bothered by something like this? lol! So this isn't the man's first trip to Olive Garden and knows what he likes on the menu…is that a crime?? *throws hands up* lmaooo. Now if they went to some expensive 5 star restaurant and he's ordering off the menu in French and all th wait staff knows him by first name AND he has an open running tab….then yeah…maybe a cause for concern, lol.

    • BlueSteele

      Ahaha, Just saw this. I was thinking the same thing, I wouldn't think twice about him already knowing what he wanted off the menu.

      She was young *shrugs*

  • amaris79

    **sigh** I feel your pain. There are fewer relationship situations more frustrating than having someone end something that they didn't even give a real shot. To the guest poster, for me it is a mortal sin-meaning all contact is DEADED and you no longer exist. While every interaction brings memories and lessons learned, you basically wasted my time, and ruined our memory for me by making me question every day you stuck around. Count your blessings that love has come into your life again, and use those lessons you learned. Stay open, and don't let some coward change the way you love, just how careful you are with the person you choose to give that love TO.

    • Mr. SD

      I'm still lost at why he's a coward?

      • BlueSteele

        Honestly this is one of those situations that you'd have to have experienced to understand. It's one thing if you were dating someone and later decided to be out. But I think the point here is that she was clearly in love and blindsided by the break-up. To come back later, via email, when you think she's calmed down is the part that has some people giving the side-eye. He may have been better off keeping his distance and letting her come to grips with everything on her own.

        Seems like dude felt guilty and wanted to say his peace in the easiest way possible for him (i.e. where no hurt/anger/etc. would be displayed). I get why guys think this way (hell I've done it myself), still doesn't sit well with me.

        That's almost like coming in to work and having your boss seem fine then receiving an email from her saying you're fired because you're just not a "good fit". Weak.

        • slimjackson

          @BlueSteele

          Didn't see this when I replied upthread. I think the example at the end needs to be updated:

          That's almost like being fired with no explanation then getting a letter from your boss a year later, after you've been on a new job, telling you why you were terminated.
          My recent post slimjackson: 2 years later, I still think I'm Big Meech.

        • BlueSteele

          +1

        • Mr. SD

          Aiight slim you got that, i get it now, that's def some bs

      • amaris79

        It doesn't take "years" to figure out something's "too good for you", and then close to another year to admit why. He knew early on and decided to ride it out, that's why he was always on his best behavior around her. She was out of his character from the very beginning. I mean, both were looking to be "saved" in their respective ways but at least she admitted it.
        Listen, I know R&B made us believe in that magical "one" that would "retire a playa's jersey" and make him change his ways, but it is just not realistic. It's easier to find someone who fits who you are NOW and helps inspire who you WANT to be, than to find someone you "aspire" to and then give up when you discover you can't keep up the "new" you.

        • Larry

          I think it'd be fair to consider the context here. They were both in college when the first started dating and appears continued shortly after she graduated. Relationships go through stages. When it was time to go on to that next stage apparently the gentleman was not ready to walk through that gate for one reason or the other.

          I can't speak for him, but being a man there are cases when you really don't know early on as you are alluding to. I've been there, but that's just me. Maybe I'm an outlier but I doubt it .

          On the flipside I can see it from both sides, too, and it is not a pleasant feeling for the woman to go through. I can see why women have the opinions that they have revolving around this scenario. You're with someone for a few years and then it's over. Both sexes are guilty of this. I've had this done to me actually. It is what it is. Feelings change, people change.

        • Bree

          "Feelings change, people change." The truth and nothing but Larry.

  • http://twitter.com/undefined @undefined

    I think I am that man in this story. Not literally but it describes my last relationship. I spent so much time trying to court her and give her everything I could I neglected me. I spent so much time dealing with her and her families problems I forgot to do me. I love that girl dearly and still do. I would wife her in a minute but like most people say the timing just wasn't right.

  • SingLikeSassy

    Really, this is a lot of handwringing about nothing. That dude is gone and he aint never coming back. You have given him YEARS of your life, while he is — and even you admit it — out living his life. That's entirely too much energy to invest in somebody who is no longer in my life.

  • madscientist7

    i've been there. i've done that. i would tell that story but it would be redundant. it does give me an idea for a post of my own. thanks!
    My recent post A female dog

  • tylisa06

    That email the guy sent was total BS. I can respect him for trying to spare your feelings and put all the blame on himself. But it sounds like the reasons you named yourself is more the reason why he dumped you. For one, you didnt have any true support from home so you were basically were dependent on this man for all your emotional support. Thats draining for anyone let alone a college student. You said yourself he was a completely different person around you than he was with his friends. Basically he had to watch everything he said around you because you were probably fragile and needy. Going around asking everyone how to be the perfect girlfriend, you probably were smothering the crap out this guy.

    You were an insecure college student, transitioning from girl to woman, like I was and like many other women. Hopefully you are more secure and mature now. I know how frustrating it is not to have closure but you just need to charge that guy to the game and move on with your fiancee.

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  • http://www.youmeetme.com YouMeetMe

    As you said you lost your identity for this man. I believe there had been a powerful infatuation from your side, not love. Secondly, you many times had sensed him not right, I mean he wasn't behaved the way you anticipated.

    I would simply say that you wanted to marry him and he was exactly on the other side. He wanted to have fun with you. I believed he was scared of your true feelings. Realizing your true feelings, I believe he started feeling guilty. And to get out that guilt feel he had no choice than dump you.