Five Things About Women I’ll Teach My Son

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“You been using them rubbers I got you?”

One of the things I look forward to most when I think about fatherhood is passing along to my son all of the nuggets of wisdom I’ve learned from my years of learning women. I never got to experience these things with my father so a big part of me looks forward to experiencing with my son. His first crush, first girlfriend, first love. I picture us sitting together, glasses filled with something old and dark as I slowly begin revealing to him the secrets of manhood a father reveals to his son when his son becomes a man. One Sunday, while he’s home visiting from wherever his life has taken him, he’ll come downstairs and ask me how I knew his mom was the one and I’ll know that he thinks he’s found his one. I’ll tell him about marriage and its imperfections, and he’ll tell me about his her. In today’s post I want to share five things about women I’d share with him, things I’ve learned along the way that might be useful to some of you … not that y’all are my sons or anything.

5. Always Have A Plan

Hitch be knowin…

When you meet a woman who interests you, the first step toward carving out your own little space in her life is showing her that you can be relied upon. The easiest way to show her that you’re reliable is to tell her what you’re going to do and then do it. It starts with the little things. If you take her card and tell her you’ll email her the next day, email the next day. Be on time when you meet for drinks and when you decide to have your first official date, have it planned from beginning to end. She won’t tell you how much she appreciates it right away, but appreciate it she will. Having a plan and then knowing how to make it come together is one of the easiest ways to separate yourself from most of the men she’s encountered. Most women say they love spontaneity, but what they don’t tell you is that they want that spontaneity to be experienced within the confines of an executed plan. A good woman will follow you through the gates of hell as long as you have an exit strategy and as long as you told her that going through hell was part of the plan.

Ladies have you ever went on a date, or dated a guy who never seemed to have a plan? What was that like? Was this something you appreciated about him, was it cause for concern or did it not matter too much?

4. You Can’t Save Them All

If my son is like his father, he’ll have a soft spot in his heart for most women, regardless of their previous, current or future life transgressions. As a pup, I thought all women were, by nature – good, possessed of good morals and good character. The ones whose behavior indicated otherwise were women who had somehow gone astray and could be saved by the right man. The truth is, you will meet some women and you will take them as they are. Be to them who you need to be at that moment and  allow her to be for you, who you need her to be at that moment. You’ll use each other, emotionally, sexually and in any other way you might desire.  That’s just part of life. The key is for you to make sure you both go into it with both eyes open, communicating to one another your expectations, or lack there of, accurately. You will not fall in love with every woman who falls in love with you, you can’t be everything for every woman you meet, and you can’t save all the women in your life because not all of them will want to be saved. Some of them will just want you, then.

Fellas, have you wanted to save a chick? Have you ever met a woman who seemed to be offering to the world way less that what she was actually worth? Did you try to save her, or did you just take her for who she was when you met her? What responsibility do we have, as men, to undo or at least try to not add to the baggage of a woman who’s clearly damaged?

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  • stargazingfrenzy

    Spot on! "Ladies, were you to have a son, what are some things you think you want him to know about women?" Below the surface (if she's truly a extraordinary human being directly at the surface) of our being women are unique and essentially different from every other woman. Therefore suspending all prior "knowledge" you think you have about women and opening yourself up to truly learn about this particular person as individual set apart from a group will make it worth your effort. Also we should teach our sons and daughters that people grow and letting a past love negatively influence a future love before the future even arrives will leave you lonely and bitter.

    • Adonis

      ROFLMAO *Rolls up some more Sour*

      Sandy take me now!

  • Adonis

    I think this storm is going to be BRUTAL. Stay safe guys.

    For some reason, I think I am going to get a few daughters before sons. So I have been mentally prepping for that trainwreck.

    1a. Don't listen to what women say. Action speak louder than words.

    1b. I don't know what type of women my sons will get to deal with they come of age. But I hope they are of the more feminine patriarchal kind. How she treats herself & and how she likes other romantic partners to treat her, you follow that lead. Otherwise, look to treat women well at every turn.

    3. The more attractive you are, the more you can get away with women. SO, be attractive above everything else.

    Good Topic Most.

    • FlyyLibrarian

      "For some reason, I think I am going to get a few daughters before sons."

      Wait.

      YOU plan on having kids?!

      Sandy needs to take US all now!

      • Adonis

        @FlyyLibrarian

        ROFLMAO. After reading your sweet words, I can die now, lol.

      • BlueSteele

        Baby Adonises? God help us all!

        • SweetSass

          Somehow I don't think this one will reproduce. Maybe asexually. Maybe.

        • BlueSteele

          lol

    • Kinectic

      I pray to G*d you don't have any children. I hope your sperm is cursed so that you will never be able to procreate. I also hope you never find a woman to procreate with. You are better off being g*y.

      • Adonis

        In the words of the good doctor that was #ColdBlooded.

        In the beautiful law of reciprocity, Christmas came early for you @Kinectic

        You think it's the living who have ultimate judgment over you, because the dead will have no claim over your soul.

        ——–

        But you may be mistaken.

        – JigSaw

        And my $perm count is a beast, so keep rooting for me.

        • Kinectic

          HAHAHAH interesting….There's always a bigger truth to be told….

  • Anastasia!!!

    Mr. Spradley!! Doggoneit! I always love your posts. (I still send EVERYONE to that insightful piece about Frank Ocean you wrote)

    Ladies have you ever went on a date, or dated a guy who never seemed to have a plan? What was that like? Was this something you appreciated about him, was it cause for concern or did it not matter too much?

    A PLAN is a must. Some of the younger ladies might not know that they want this, but it is an innate desire for women to want the man to PLAN what's going on. At least in the beginning. I had a guy who I was feeling and for our first outing, it was just up in the air what we were to do that night. Good night, boo. I just feel not planning (at least in the beginning) says a lot about how you actually feel about me: Am I worth the 17 extra minutes it takes to call a restaurant or pack a bag for a picnic? If not, then I need to pass. I'm in the game for a life partner, not the play around.

    Also, the intriguing guy is the hook line and sinker! You are not off base in the slightest. But you HAVE TO find the right balance. In the wrong hands, intrigue can come off as douchebaggery or (the bad kind of) arrogance.

    Your Jr. is going to be waaaay head of the game!

    Woot Mr. Spradley!!

    • cakes_and_pies

      Like an itinerary?

      Some of the most boring dates I've ever had have been planned: "Go to this restaurant at 7; go to this that starts at 9:30, but be there by 9:15 because I don't want bad seats; leave the movie and …Bye?"

      I don't think all dates have to be planned, but I don't think all outings should be considered dates.

      Getting in the car, driving around, and finding or just exploring around is just as good and being spontaneous is just as fun (unless you have kids or pressing time restricted responsibilities). If you feel like your dates are redundant and boring, try planning a date yourself.
      Men like to be courted too.

      • ooh ok…

        I think it just depends on the couple…
        Im spontaneous too sooo as long as we don't end up at a bar, strip club, or driving in circles then its cool.
        Luckily my guy had a plan and is just that type of person *shrugs*
        In the beginning sure, but someones gotta have a plan eventually… #grownupstuff

      • William

        Sometimes spontaneity IS the plan. There is a difference between planned and regimented.

  • FlyyLibrarian

    Great post! Nothing to add but Congratulations!

    Oh! Think about all the times I've showed up empty handed* ; )

    *Shamelessly trying to get a baby shower invite.

    • Bree

      Hold Up Wait A Minute…..Sprads are you and the misses expecting??

  • Bree

    This looks like a repeat. I swear you or somebody else did this same post a few months back.
    I would like to see what you will teach your daughters? What if you have like 2 or 3 girls?
    These are all great pearls of wisdom to teach boys as they grow up to be men. As a woman I would say the best and simplest advice for men to pass to their sons would be to honestly communicate your wants, needs, and feelings. Being honest is the thing that women have the most problem with regarding All men in general. Honesty in all aspects of relationships is what women want and need more than anything. Even if you feel like we don't or we say we don't want it, we need it. We need to hear the honest truth about how a man feels about us and what he wants, and/or doesn't want. This is the best advice to give him to save him a lot of drama, stalkers, and windows busted out his car.

    • Adonis

      I would like to see what you will teach your daughters? What if you have like 2 or 3 girls?

      1. sing this song to her from the man with the David Duke pink peen.

      2. Let her know how beautiful & great she is, tempered to respect & align herself with other people beauty & greatness.

      3. Become a chaste wife & a divorcee before she becomes a heaux . And a well paid heaux.

      4. Take her out to the gun range, and learn & master a fighting discipline.

      That's all I have for now.

  • Bree

    There is a really good movie starring Christian Keyes called "Note To Self." It's a low budget movie, but it has a really good message and moral to it. In it Eva Pigford plays Christians "fwb." His dad was a deadbeat dad who abandoned his mom when he was young he doesn't want to be anything like him. He meets Letoya Luckett. He wants more than an fwb so he talks to Eva Pigford about it and she doesn't want a relationship so he breaks it off with her and cuts off the sex. He lets Eva know that since she doesn't want what he wants he is moving on and finding a woman who does. Once he breaks ties with Eva he dates Letoya.

  • Bree

    Point is he does things the right way and can honestly assure Letoya that he is done with Eva. There is no gameplaying and creeping and lying and scheming and trying to have 2 plus cakes and eat em too. He's honest with both women.
    So please teach your future Sprad Jr. to be honest in his relationships, regardless of what type of relationships they are. If your man enough to lay down with a woman and spill your seed in her, be man enough to honestly communicate with her so she always knows where she stands with you and how you really feel about her.

  • Peter Parker

    Good Post. I will also tell my son to make sure you know a little about her family background. As I have gotten older, I notice a major difference between women who had their fathers in their lives and the ones who didn't. Not to say this will apply to every woman that my son will meet, but be mindful that women who were raised without their fathers in their lives may have some issues. Just an observation, but I concur with everything posted.

    • BlueSteele

      "be mindful that women who were raised without their fathers in their lives may have some issues"

      This assumption always ticks me off. How are these "issues" any different or more difficult to deal with than any other issues/baggage that people carry around? Please advise.

      • Peter Parker

        I probably should have stated some women. Just an observation and I can only go off my dating experiences. Women who come from situations in which their fathers were not present seem to not understand how to be courted or understand what qualities are exhibited in a good man.

        • Adonis

          @Peter Parker

          You had it right the first time. Women who come from fatherless situation will feel slighted, but at the end of the day, you have to protect yourself & your unborn sons from an easily avoidable high-risk catastrophe.

        • BlueSteele

          I'd like everyone to understand that there is no blanket set of issues that a woman from a fatherless home will possess. Maybe the 3 women you've dated who shared that background also shared those issues, but growing up without a dad impacts every woman in very different ways. For some they don't know what it means to be courted, others are sluts misguided looking for a replacement in all the wrong places, others simply learn how to do things for themselves.

          Again, I'm not sure how this translates to no daddy=watch out, but I hear this A LOT and it gets on my damn nerves is usually an unfair assessment. Meanwhile, the average woman who grew up with her pops likely knows nothing about surviving on her own until around about age 29.

          Like Magg said, pick which issue you'd like to deal with.

        • Peter Parker

          BlueSteele I definitely understand where you are coming from and I probably should have said "some", but it's more of an observation I have made that's all.. For instance, most of my homeboys that are married, their wives had their dad in their lives. My co workers who are married had their fathers in their life. I was saying that I will tell my son if the girl you are interested in is close to her family then that is a plus… A daughter is going to be close to her dad because that's just the way it is, but if she doesn't have that strong male influence, how is she going to know how a man is suppose to treat a woman. Even if the parents are divorced, it is so important in raising a daughter to have that strong male prescence in her life.

        • FlyyLibrarian

          I get what you are saying, however, one can also argue that a man that didn't grow up with his father present doesn't know how to properly treat a woman because he didn't have anyone to model it for him. We know that's not always true.

        • Peter Parker

          BlueSteele I definitely understand where you are coming from and I probably should have said "some", but it's more of an observation I have made that's all.. For instance, most of my homeboys that are married, their wives had their dad in their lives. My co workers who are married had their fathers in their life. I was saying that I will tell my son if the girl you are interested in is close to her family then that is a plus… A daughter is going to be close to her dad because that's just the way it is, but if she doesn't have the strong male influence, how is she going to know how a man is suppose to treat a woman. Even if the parents are divorced, it is so important in raising a daughter to have that strong male prescence in her life.

        • BlueSteele

          That's fine, I just think we should be mindful of the generalizations we put out there.

        • bellatrice1

          I think you are getting defensive unnecessarily. It is evident that many women with daddy issues express their lack of a father in many ways, and they aren't necessarily positive. This can also apply to women who knew their father or even had him in the home, but he was a trainwreck. Daddy issues are REAL, and a woman's relationship with her father is important enough for men to take into consideration when considering them for relationships.

          I'm not sure where you would get the assumption that a woman who had a father can't survive on her own until age 29. I think that's just a random thought you pulled out of the air to slight women who grew up with fathers. I get it, but that opinion is not at all evident in women I know who grew up with dads, including myself. I don't think @Peter Parker was saying women who grew up without fathers are "less than" women who did. I think they just have a certain set of issues that could negatively impact how they interact and deal with men.
          My recent post Zoe Saldana is Nina Simone

        • Magg

          I think she was getting defensive because he said women instead of some women…

          Why is it SO EVIDENT that women who didn't grow up with their father have issues?!

          The only reason we think women who grew up without their father have issues is because society gave us the perfect family model to follow, mom-dad-2children (3 is starting to be too much, we are already too many on earth) come on!!! It's cool to have your two parents… But even if the father wasn't around a lot of these women grew up JUST FINE!!!
          What yall are going to say about women who grew up with gay parents…(…)…

        • Adonis

          @Magg

          Dealing with women with daddy issues & women who had strong fathers is like day & night.

          Have a seat & get over yourself.

        • bellatrice1

          You really don't want to know what I think about gay parenting. That's another topic for another day.

          "Why is it SO EVIDENT that women who didn't grow up with their father have issues?! "
          It's evident because there are studies that back up that fact. Most people know women with daddy issues and many of them are not whole because of them.

          To your statement, "But even if the father wasn't around a lot of these women grew up JUST FINE!!!"
          No one's saying they weren't raised right or that they are bad people, just that they have unique issues with regard to their interactions with men.

        • BlueSteele

          "I think you are getting defensive unnecessarily." <– Dissent does not equal defense

          "I'm not sure where you would get the assumption that a woman who had a father can't survive on her own until age 29." <–Probably the same place we draw the assumption that women without a father have serious daddy issues; see how generalizations work?

          I do know, however, that losing parents early forces you to grow up much faster than you'd otherwise have to; especially if you become a provider in place of the deceased. *raises hand* Many things that fathers would traditionally teach or provide for daughters have to be learned or obtained through your own trial and error. Issue? Not sure, you decide.

          " think they just have a certain set of issues that could negatively impact how they interact and deal with men. " <– Again, generalization. How would you know exactly? Probably because that's the belief that society continues to perpetuate.

          I take no issue with men using whatever criteria necessary to evaluate the women they deal with, do you. (Although I'd personally never share that tidbit until we're a little beyond the courting stage, just to avoid the snap judgement.)

          I also never hinted at thinking he meant growing up without a father equates to "less than," although his example slightly suggests that. I DO have a problem with perpetuating the stigma based on a few experiences. (Kinda like those stigmas surrounding single parents, cultural minorities, etc.) The generalizations make no sense IMO because those "daddy issues" don't affect all, or even the majority of, women with that background. Point, blank, period everyone a) responds to situations differently and b) has SOMETHING that you'll have to deal with in a relationship.

        • bellatrice1

          He wasn't generalizing. He kept saying over and over "in his experience". It just so happens that in A LOT of people's experience, women who grew up fatherless have certain issues that have a negative impact on their relationships with men especially if they haven't healed from it.

          Generalizations are one thing, but he was speaking from HIS experience, as I am speaking from mine. 100% of the women "I" "ME" "MYSELF" know whose father wasn't around has issues that affect their romantic relationships. PERIOD. They will even admit to it. If you are an exception to the rule, that's fine, but for the most part daddy issues are real – for EVERYONE – men and women.

          I don't know anyone who grew up with their father who can't function until they're 29 because of it. Neither is this prevalent or evident in society nor my personal experience. I haven't seen any studies conducted which reveal this either. That's what's wrong with your statement. See how that works. I'm not going to attack your statement by saying you're generalizing, I'm attacking the fact itself.

          I hate when people talk about generalizations in order to refute an argument. For the sake of argument, we are only speaking in terms of our own experiences and those of the people around us. None of us have conducted studies, nor are we therapists who may have more extensive knowledge of the issues at hand.

          Obviously, this is a touchy subject for you, but that doesn't change the facts.

          My recent post Zoe Saldana is Nina Simone

        • Magg

          "I DO have a problem with perpetuating the stigma based on a few experiences. (Kinda like those stigmas surrounding single parents, cultural minorities, etc.) The generalizations make no sense IMO because those "daddy issues" don't affect all, or even the majority of, women with that background."

          "everyone a) responds to situations differently and b) has SOMETHING that you'll have to deal with in a relationship."

          Thank you Bluesteele that's exactly my point!!!

          @bellatrice1 You can't use words like "rule" "exception" "EVERYONE" and then say you're not generalizing!!! You totally are…

        • bellatrice1

          It's not a few experiences. That's my point. There is research to back up my assertion that daddy issues are real.

          Who cares who is generalizing? The POINT is daddy issues exist, maybe not in all women, but in most who grew up without a strong male figure. As I said, some women have healed and no longer internalize the anger they feel from not having a father around, and those women most likely have healthy relationships with men.

          All the guy said was that he takes these things into consideration. He didn't say he wouldn't date a girl who grew up without her father. Please calm down.
          My recent post Zoe Saldana is Nina Simone

        • Adonis

          @Bellatrice1

          The denial is unbelievable is some people. The quicker I can admit their flaws the quicker I can find speedy resolutions.

          Daddy issues can be resolved, it is not like having a child or having down syndrome.

        • Magg

          Blusteele and i reacted because he was generalizing, but he corrected himself, it was all done!!!
          The problem with you is that you make your opinion a fact, and your main argument is that "It's evident because there is research to back up my point"…

          And im the one who needs a seat…

        • BlueSteele

          Lol, okay.

        • Anon

          The irony of someone who has never dated a woman with those circumstances and never grew up without a dad stating their opinions on this as fact.

          I think bluesteele was randomly picking a number with the "29" comment. I see what she was saying though. My best friend lost her dad early and we definitely matured on different timelines.

    • Adonis

      @BlueSteele @Peter Parker

      But who is MORE LIKELY to overcome their daddy issues, men or women?

      What I got was that is worse for a (daddy-deficient) woman because they carry the baby, and actually spend the most time with the child in the child's most critical years.

      But what I know, I'm just an idiot who comments on psuedo-relationship blogs

    • Magg

      … And the problem with us, women who grew up with our father is that we want to marry him… Just choose the issue you wanna deal with…

  • beautifulsoul

    Gotta comment on the pic u used: LOL @ Lawrence Fishburne playing Cuba Goodings pops- That has always tickled me

  • beautifulsoul

    "Ladies have you ever went on a date, or dated a guy who never seemed to have a plan? What was that like? Was this something you appreciated about him, was it cause for concern or did it not matter too much?"

    I've been dating a lot lately & I've yet to meet a man who has everything planned out. Normally they say, "I just want you to be comfortable our first time out, what would you like to do." Not gonna lie, that line is gettin' kinda tired.

    I would love for a man to be assertive & "tell" me what we're gonna do, just once.

  • John Cannady

    Good stuff man….I could probably write on and on about this, but I will just add this (and this one is bare bones basic)…treat women the way you would want your sister or your mother treated by others….that’s it. Too many times I’ve heard guys I respect say things like ‘Yeah man, I f**ked that b**ch’ and I have said never said anything. Looking back I should of. I know most times guys say that just trying to make themselves look better (and most of the time they are lying), but you should respect women enough to not drag their name and honor through the mud (even if they deserve it)…..

  • Laney

    I entirely appreciate men who think about these things. It's something I am slightly paranoid about – what my future husband will teach our son(s). I always hope they come up with potential-future-discussions such as the ones provided above. Sweet post; pulls on my maternal heart strings.

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  • somebody's daughter

    this is hilarious…but no one in this blog wants a daughter! So who will your sons be dating? The thought of your daughters 'getting drilled' makes you sick but the thought of your sons drilling someone else's daughter makes you proud. I hate this blog so much!!

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