A Change Is Gonna Come
As we get older and our station in life improves, men start to become, you guessed it, lazier. Before, we’d go to the club and we’d consider it a “bad night” if we didn’t get at least 10+ numbers between the group. In our mid-20s, we found we spent less and less time in the sole pursuit of women. Quality overtook quantity. Why chase after 10 numbers from five 2’s, three 5’s, and two 7’s, when we could apply ourselves and maybe get 3 numbers from two 8’s and one 10?
Some nights we were content simply heading out and having a good time. If we got 10 numbers or 0 numbers it really didn’t matter. The experience became greater than the pursuit. It wasn’t that we weren’t interested in meeting women. It’s that our priorities changed. Meeting a woman or group of women was cool, but it wasn’t the only determining factor for whether we had a “good night,” especially when experience had taught us that the majority of women we meet will not result in something particularly meaningful – and that was ok. We can all have a good time and it doesn’t have to go anywhere (see the VIP lounge). But, as men, we had to find other measures of what defined a good time besides meeting large quantities of strange women with no future beyond 24-hours.
We slowly accepted that we didn’t have to live the “YOLO” lifestyle every night, because chances are we could do it again another weekend, in another club, or in another city. While we didn’t see it this way as men, women began to view our approaches as increasingly lazier. They were right, too. We weren’t chasing them as much and some in the group even began to declare that they were over chasing women and putting in work, period. They were “retiring.” When it came to courting, some men were content becoming more like…women.
Instead of pursuing women and impressing them, these men began to expect women to pursue and impress them (known as ‘Diva Dudes’ in some circles). In their minds, they had put in sufficient work in their younger days. Now that they were in a better place, their expectations of what they should be expected to do to meet women changed as well. As a former well-paid Director confided in me once, “you have to work really hard to get to a point where you don’t hardly work.”
Rise of the Lazy Man
Today, right or wrong, it’s as if modern men have to be sold on the benefits of a committed relationship/marriage. Entire groups of marriageable-aged men are perfectly content not approaching, courting, or putting in any significant amount of work to meet marriageable-aged women. Even worse, a lot of them don’t have to. Grown men whom I’ve personally witnessed chase women across clubs, lounges, bars, parking lots, stores and everywhere in between in their youth now see a woman of interest and let her walk on by, no Isaac Hayes. “There’ll be another one,” they claim in tones ranging from apathy to contempt.
When men are young, women treat them like they aren’t in demand and they’re not afraid to let him know it. As an older man, he has the opportunity to feel what it’s like to be in demand himself, which dictates how he approaches dating. As the saying goes, “absolute power, corrupts absolutely.” In some cases, these men becoming increasingly lazy and their search for women is itself much pickier. Before, he was simply looking for a woman; whereas now he is looking for a wife, maybe. Although, without balance, his standards/preferences may dictate that any woman he settles down with must be perfect.
Rather than pursue 10 women in which he might only have moderate interest; he focuses on the one or two women he has a definite interest in. So, in addition to being lazy, “good men” are selectively approaching; whereas, women are still approached by the same young men and men who have nothing to offer, since these men must overcome having less by approaching more. Since many women – regardless of age – wait for men to approach them, it might seem like there are fewer “good men” available, because from her perspective it’s rare that a “good man” ever shows up.
I honestly don’t have a solution for the rise in lazy men. I only sought to explain today why they are so prevalent in the population. Since men and women continue to marry later and later in life, the lazy man might be here to stay. It remains to be seen whether the lazy man will be replaced by a rise in the aggressive woman or has she already arrived on the dating evolutionary scene? Another topic for another day…
1) Do you think modern men are lazier than their predecessors when it comes to courtship, dating, and commitment? Why or why not? 2) Do you think women will eventually compensate for men’s laziness by becoming more aggressive or have women already become more aggressive? Do aggressive women perpetuate the cycle of increasing men’s laziness? 3) Should modern women continue to expect modern men to maintain traditionally preferred dating customs (approaching first, initiating the courtship, remaining chivalrous, being a provider, etc)?
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